1956: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter Nine, Part One

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of The Shadow Warriors, the fic that just keeps finding new ways to suck. When I copy-and-paste new chapters into Word, I need to go back and fix a few formatting things to match my set-up, which involves at least skimming the chapter. So, believe me, this chapter introduces a completely new flavor of suck to this fic (well, new to this fic, anyway).

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1955: Five night’s with Foxy and Mike – Chapter 3

 

Title: Five night’s with Foxy and Mike
Author: PLeasedestroyme
Media: Video Game
Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s
Genre: none given
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by: Ghostcat

 

 

—TRIGGER WARNING—

—THIS POST CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT, WHILE NOT GRAPHIC OR EXPLICIT, MAY BE DISTURBING TO SOME PEOPLE—

—READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED–

 

 

:sighs:

So I was all ready to start on a new fic but, as is my custom, I double-checked on my old fics to see if any had updated. And wouldn’t you know it, the fic updated on Friday, right when my last riff went up.

Awesome.

The last chapter (or chapter-part) didn’t really have a lot going on, despite being “expanded” to nearly four times its original length. Blind Mike the Robot Fondler went to work, saw his drunk/high coworker acting inappropriately, and then had a very long and awkward interaction with Foxy in the office while Chica and Bonnie were still trying to attack him for some reason.

To the fic!

When Bonnie finally left, (three damn minutes later, mind you) Mike let his attention fall fully on the robot standing across from him.

Three minutes in real time isn’t all that long, but translated over into game-time of each hour lasting roughly a minute and a half then it is possible that Bonnie was standing there for nearly a third of the night.

It was a mere twenty seconds of staring before he remembered he actually had a job and should probably keep doing it.

I don’t remember if we ever figured out exactly what brand of kink Blind Mike the Robot Fondler has, but whatever it is he must have it bad. Also, he is really bad at this job and probably should have died quite some time ago. Foxy is probably the only reason he is still alive at this point.

“Do ye like me bein’ here?” Foxy suddenly asked after another minute or so of lapsed silence passed. Mike looked up to him through his lashes with raised eyebrows, but otherwise nonchalant features.

Eighty-five percent of this conversation is just awkward silences and looks. I get enough of that in real life.

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1954: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I – Chapter Three

Title:  Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Author:  dragonfang33
Media: Movie / Cartoon
Topic: Star Wars / MLP
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Heyo, patrons!  Welcome back to another installment of ‘Shadow War’, the Star Wars fic where nothing happens and the characters don’t matter!  Crunchy is here again.

“You sound so pleased.”

Ecstatic.  Anyway, last time more long-winded nothing happened.

“I question whether you could consider that chapter long.”

Fine, more short-winded nothing happened.  The Cliff-notes of all the nothing is that Team Evil is landing their shit on the planet of Ponyland while Team Stu gathered a few juvenile recruits before being dispatched to explore what will coincidentally™ be the same exact planet that Team Evil is orbiting despite the region being nearly a third the size of the entire galaxy.

“Your Dickens would be proud.”

Compared to this, Dickens showed incredible restraint with his contrivances.  In any case, let’s get on with the show!

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1953: A Special Task — Chapters 12, 13, and 14

Title: A Special Task
Author: Generatedname
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 12Chapter 13, and Chapter 14
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Senior Cabalist-Lieutenant Rijus Ta’nin

Hello hello all you patrons! Welcome back to the dense, flabby interior of A Special Task, the ‘fic that goes nowhere and does nothing, and does it extremely slowly.

Previously, the human-Council negotiations ended with not a great deal actually being accomplished other than communications between the two powers being normalized and the salarian Councilor being upbraided over the Uplift fiasco. Then the humans built an absurdly large space station at Relay 314 to manage trade with the Council species, and then they and the turian forces assigned to guard the site- which included such revered figures as Septimus Oraka, Adrian Victus, Garrus Vakarian, and Nyreen Kandros all jumbled up together with no sense of why they would all be in the same time and same place- wandered around the station on leave, lost at some boring human video games, and… well, that was it.”

Just Write A Star Trek Crossover Already Counter: 5

Chapter 7- Civil Strife

March 21st, 2159, Unknown System

The Batarian frigate jumped out of FTL, engines already going at full tilt as soon as it decelerated. The crew inside tense and afraid.

“Kranak, please tell me we lost them.” The captain said to his pilot.

“I think so, but we can never be sure until its too late. There were several hegemony ships after us when we jumped, and one of them may have gotten a lock.” The pilot, Kranak, replied.

Oh, hey! Looks like we’re going to do that ‘batarian separatists’ thing he talked about in the author’s notes. It was the only storyline mentioned that actually sounded vaguely interesting… which, considering how much nothing has been crammed into the last few installments, is alarmingly encouraging.

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1952: Jumanji II – Prologue

Title: Jumanji II
Author: Moonlight Willows
Media: Movies
Topic: Jumanji
Genre: Adventure/Suspense
URL: Jumanji II
Critiqued by Angie

What’s going on, everybody? My name is Angie and today I’m taking the CinemaSins way of choosing topics. Since “Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle” recently came out to just…

…just the worst reviews, we’re going to be riffing it.

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1951: Five night’s with Foxy and Mike – Chapter 2 part 2 & Chapter 2 part 2 update notification

 

 

 

Title: Five night’s with Foxy and Mike
Author: PLeasedestroyme
Media: Video Game
Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s
Genre: none given
URL: Chapter 2 part 2
URL: Chapter 2 part 2 update notification
Critiqued by: Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, and welcome to the last installment of this constant parade of uncomfortable situations. Despite the author’s warnings, the last chapter did not include any penises being inserted in places that they aren’t usually inserted, much to my associates’ displeasure. The Salacious Sisterhood has since decamped to go on an epic quest to find out where Shinobi-san hides the really explicit manga, so I’m all by my lonesome now.

So sad.

Mike awoke to the sound of an alarm going off.

I think that means you need to reset the systems, but I’ve never been able to pinpoint where in the timeline this is supposed to be taking place.

“What in the fuck” he groggily turned over in his single bed, pulling his phone from its spot on his bedside table.

Is the phone his alarm, or is this just an unrelated action?

His head throbbed with the sound, and promptly, he opened and clicked it off.

…Does he have a flip phone? As I’ve just stated I’m not sure exactly where in the timeline this is supposed to take place, but the bulk of the action takes place in the late 1980s to the mid-1990s. A flip phone would be at the very edge of that time estimate, but those didn’t have the same features found in today’s ubiquitous smartphones. I’ve owned flip phones, and I don’t remember them having an alarm function.

He was still tired from been up all night and then sleeping all day.

He’s tired from sleeping all day?

I don’t think Mike understands how sleep works. Or he took one of those really deep naps where you can’t remember what planet you’re on when you wake up.

He remembered that, as soon as he came home to his apartment he had passed out on his bed. He barely remembered how he even got here.

Meh. It’s probably not important. Much like everything else in this fic.

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1950: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I – Chapter Two

Title:  Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Author:  dragonfang33
Media: Movie / Cartoon
Topic: Star Wars / MLP
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Heyo, patrons, and welcome back!

“They must be delighted.”

No, I’m pretty sure they aren’t, this is “Shadow War,” after all.

“Yet, I am here to delight them.  So delighted they will be, provided they comprehend what is best for their well being.”

Don’t threaten the readers.  I would hate it if Jiwe would happen to find his way into Eliza’s emergency glitter reserve the next time you’re forced to watch him.

“You would not dare!”

Wouldn’t I?  I mean, I certainly would hate to inconvenience Markus with cleaning that up.

*Crunchy glowers menacingly at Taco*

“I believe my influence may have created something unsavory within you.  I would find that worth celebrating were it no so inconvenient.  We shall put aside this discussion for now as I believe it is time to recapitulate, yes?”

It would be, but nothing of note happened in the first chapter.

“You forget the introduction of the author insertion and his Awesome McEvil brother.  Ponyland was also briefly mentioned.”

As I said, nothing of note.

“Touché”

Anyway, let’s see what’s in store for us in chapter two!

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