1961: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit – Chapter Three, Part Two

Title: Valkyire: The Unknown Unit
Author: JewishPotato
Media: Video Game
Topic: Overwatch
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by SC, Book Specs, Contacts and Bifocals

*Contacts shifts uncomfortably in his seat*

*Bifocals growls, whilst glaring daggers at Contacts*

*Book Specs munches on popcorn and offers the bowl to SC*

I still don’t see what you have against buttered popcorn, bro.

*Book Specs rolls his eyes, and with a single flick of a finger, telekinetically tosses a piece of popcorn at SC’s head; SC deftly avoids the tiny popped projectile*

I mean, I get it’s personal preference, but-

Contacts: Can we please start the riff before she kills me?!

Bifocals: Why do you think I will kill you before the riff?

Contacts: Oh, fucking Christ…

Meh, I may as well get this going. Not because I care about Contacts not dying to Bifocals, but because we need to get this chapter done.

Contacts: Well, fuck you too!

Bifocals: Bad language gets you killed faster.

Contacts: Meep.

Hello, and welcome back to Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit, by JewishPotato! I’m your host, SC, and okay, I guess impossible riffing combinations are the new thing for the Specs and Co. now, because after the debacle that was Sports Shades and Contacts, everybody else decided they’d risk losing their damn minds to see how well they could riff with the people they hated the worst. Since Contacts is almost universally hated in the Co. (second only to Sports Shades, with – of all people – Specs being the deciding factor, as Specs is too dumb to realize that Contacts hates him), that means that the poor fucker is gonna be in a lot of precarious situations for the next few installments. As for Booky and Bifocals… I mean, I know Booky is super disdainful of everybody, but I thought that he and Bifocals got along better than this.

Contacts: They’re having a disagreement right now.

Bifocals: He thinks that magically binding beasts to one’s will is safer than autonomous subservience from mechanical servants, because the beasts “can’t be accidentally reprogrammed by an idiot savant hacker.” Because nobody has ever used mind control to reconfigure the brain of a non-sentient creature to do their bidding before…

*Book Specs scoffs and adjusts his glasses condescendingly*

Bifocals: Ah, yes, turn the discussion back to you, because clearly, you are the only mage who would have to be concerned with combating the fallout of this possibility, and since you are so much more talented than other mages, that automatically makes it a non-issue.

I’m getting a headache.

So, uh, as for what happened in the fic, we completed another mission, and Morrison was a dumbshit and left that shit open on his computer for anybody to sneak a peek at. True to form, Tracer peeked at it. She just brushed it off as “meh, whatever,” though, so we’ve gone effectively nowhere with that plot thread so far. As for what Mexico’s insidious plot was that Jack was reviewing helmet cam footage of (because, you know, team Valkyrie has totally been wearing helmets at all so far in this fic)… well, I still don’t know. But it was probably bad. And now, team Valkyrie has stumbled across evidence of some guy in Talon Who is somehow spying on two Overwatch outposts in two different countries while hiding out in a different country from the both of them, at the same time.

I can’t figure how the author thinks this is a coherent plot.

Well, enough about that, let’s get back to the riff… preferably before Booky and Bifocals start-

*Bifocals bickers in equal parts English and German, whilst Booky responds in kind by wildly adjusting his glasses*

Contacts: I’m scared.

…Let’s just get going.

Brian took out his phone and walked outside, dialing Jacks phone. The dial tone seemed to go on forever, when finally, Jack answered.

“What is it? I don’t have a lot of time right now.”

“well make time, we may have found our guy” Brian replied

Brian went on to tell Jack everything Jacob had told him. The two HVT’s there connections with the leaked info, possible plans of action, etc. But they both knew they had to act immediately otherwise they would lose their chance.

“Alright, gather up your guys, I want to brief you in 1 hour.” Jack said before he hung up

I’m sorry, how does “immediately” translate to “in an hour?”

Bifocals: He has not had his cold shower yet.

Contacts: Cold shower?

Bifocals: What you are going to be having if you do not shut up.

Contacts: I feel like she means the fire hose…

1 Hour later

“So, you’re telling me we only have once chance to get to James Keller? And what happens if we hold this off? Or we don’t get there in time?” Jack asked

“He gets all the Intel he needs and sends it to the leaders of Talon, leaving YOUR agents and the ones posted at the Swiss HQ in danger.” Brian replied.

“When do you need to leave?” Jack asked

“It would be preferable if you sent Ed RIGHT NOW” Brian said sternly

Jack sat in silence for a moment sucking his teeth. He threw his hands in the air and dropped them back onto his lap

“Fine, I’ll send him; just promise me this is the right guy.” Jack ordered

“Can’t promise that, but getting to him will definitely improve our chances of finding the right guy” Jacob answered for Brian

God, you wouldn’t think Jack would be so hesitant to act upon hearing that Team Valkyrie actually took initiative and is making progress on solving Overwatch’s intel leak problem, for once.

Contacts: Maybe he thinks he didn’t hear them right and is just trying to stall them until they admit that they have no clue what they’re doing, and he’s getting frustrated that it hasn’t happened yet?

Hey, not like I could blame him.

“Why are you so hesitant to send us out? If you don’t want to send us then send Blackwatch.” Brian said

“That’s the problem, how am I going to explain this Intel YOU guys found?

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses with a bored expression on his face*

He says if it was as pathetically easy as it was to fool everybody else in this fic, it probably wouldn’t be that much harder to get one past Reyes. I find this offensive, but honestly, he’s probably not wrong.

Bifocals: We do not know that! Maybe the author could have written Reyes to be smart!

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses in annoyance*

Bifocals: Oh, I am being the contrarian, here? This coming from the one who looks down his nose at everybody he meets because he is obviously so much better than them all?

Contacts: …I mean, he’s right to think-

Bifocals: SILENCE.

*Contacts slides down in his seat in terror*

Look, it’s getting harder and harder to keep you guys a secret; it’s only a matter of time before you’re discovered.” Jack said

“Alright, were discovered. Big whoop, you can still send us on covert ops.” Brian said

…That… you… no, he… I…

Contacts: I mean, sure, there’s sneaky bastards who continue to be sneaky bastards in spite of having been found out for what they are, but the reason they can continue doing it is because they’re that good, that they can still pull one over on their enemies, even in spite of those enemies knowing about them. I highly doubt Team Valkyrie would be of that particular caliber of skill.

They’re NOT of that particular caliber of skill! They haven’t been there since chapter fucking one!

Jack sighed “We’ll worry about it when the time comes, just gear up and get ready. Ed should be arriving soon. With that he hung up

After the brief call, the four men all went to their quarters to gear up. This was an important OP. Failing this could mean getting agents at Gibraltar kidnapped or killed. They couldn’t fuck up.

Overwatch Dropship, Brazil, 5km from LZ

“Alright guys, this is the real deal. We DO NOT leave this shithole sabotaging their Intel, and killing These HVT’s. Can’t risk them running to their superiors.

Contacts: …Wait, your target is killing your other targets? And you want to stop him from doing that? Wouldn’t you rather let him do the collateral work so that you can just pop him and be done with it?

Well, I would prefer to know how high in the ranks this data is being leaked to, and maybe how many others there are, but apart from that, yeah. For once, they don’t need anybody alive in order to complete their mission.

Bifocals: Not that they have the best track record of leaving people alive in the first place.

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses accusingly*

Bifocals: Oh, really? “Neither do I, thanks to my inventions?” Now we’re sniping at each other? My goodness, I thought you were better at debating than this.

Okay, well, you two have fun with that, Contacts and I are gonna move on.

Contacts: Yes, please do.

Try not to get caught, if they are alerted of our presence and leave, mission is a bust and agents are in danger, Get ready!” Brian briefed.

Ah yes, stealth, the thing that this team is so very good at.

Bifocals: I smell mission failure on the horizon.

Contacts: I smell sausage links.

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses plainly*

Contacts: Oh right, I forgot that I raided the cafeteria!

…So, what are those links made of?

Contacts: Kinda looks like Garfield’s spleen.

The squad simply nodded and put of their identical skull balaclavas.

You know helmets are a thing that exist, right? And that most operatives wear those?

They put their helmets on over top and turned on their helmet cams.

…Oh, I guess they do.

Bifocals: Is this the start of where JewishPotato went back and tried to fix his chapters?

Probably not the start, considering that chapter two took me a while, but I think we might be hitting that area.

~1 minute!

They all grabbed their rifles, making sure they were locked and loaded, the cabin was shaking as the dropship began its decent onto foreign territory.

“And if you get caught, hide those Overwatch patches, were not supposed to be operating here.” Brian said.

“What happens if were caught with them? Dmitri asked

“Then Overwatch is in a whirlpool of shit” Brain replied.

Funny, that didn’t seem to matter much to you a few paragraphs ago.

They felt the dropship land on the ground, the ramp opened up and Miller, Jacob and Dmitri ran off, securing the small perimeter of the dropship. Brian walked over to Ed, who was flying the dropship as usual, placed his hand on his shoulder and brought his face close to his.

“Ed get the fuck out of here now, can’t risk you getting seen.”

“Stay safe!” Ed said, as Brian ran off the ramp.

I think that’s the first time the author’s put any thought as to how a unit typically disembarks a dropship.

The small dropship took off and got out of the AO as fast as possible.

For those of you who don’t speak military jargon (which, given the number of Mass Effect riffs we have here, should be relatively few individuals, I would think), “AO” stands for “Area of Operation.” I regret to admit that I had to look that up.

Leaving the squad of elites alone in the dense forest they had been dropped off in, leaving them to deal the heat and humidity.

“Alright Brian, where are we going?” Miller asked

Brian looked at his GPS, which displayed their objective and current location

“5 clicks northeast better get there fast” Brian said, before walking in the direction of the outpost.

Contacts: What you are doing now is the opposite of getting there fast.

It could be a power walk, you don’t know.

Bifocals: They have to cover a distance of five kilometers in order to reach their objective.

…It could be a really powerful power walk.

As they were walking they kept on their toes, they were in a foreign and hostile environment. It wasn’t just Talon they had to worry about. They had to worry about animals, gangs and local militias. The military wasn’t a threat to them; at least they didn’t think so.

And then out of nowhere a tank pops out at them all, “BOO, BITCHES!”

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses in confusion*

Yes, they did just get spooked by a tank.

Bifocals: But how?

Hey, anything can be spooky if there’s enough skeletons.

Contacts: I can’t imagine a literal skeleton crew in a tank get much done, what with not having eyes or ears or anything.

You being spooky-racist in my riff, bro?!

The four were walking through the dense forest; all they heard were hundreds of birds chirping, and the occasional snake hiss.

Contacts: Why is Snake hissing at people?

Eh, he’s done sillier things.

“What do you think would happen if we got discovered, would we be out of jobs?” Miller asked trying to spark conversation.

Oh, you’d be worse than out of jobs, bro. The instant you go live to the public, Talon hears about it too, and they’ll come after you for fucking up their people.

“Nah, Overwatch needs us, we collect half of their Intel, plus its Jack’s call, and he’s the commander.” Brian said

“What about Petras?” Jacob added.

“He is a reasonable guy, I think. We would just have Jack show him all the work we’ve accomplished for Overwatch; surely he would want to keep us around” Brian replied

Contacts: Considering all the stupid crap you’ve been pulling up to now, I highly doubt that they need you that badly. Especially Petras, who undoubtedly has to play his part in placating the UN and the public whenever shit goes down.

You know, if we’re keeping the trend going of Valkyrie team just being a bunch of fuckups that Overwatch keeps sending on missions that should get them killed because they hate them, maybe we could also assume that the reason they don’t just have them killed on purpose after a while is because they secretly record these “dude we’re so cool” bro-talks for giggles back at HQ.

“We’ve also provided cover for some of their agents in battle, without them even knowing” Dmitri said

Bifocals: I feel reasonably certain that the only reason that could possibly be true is because it was a large, noisy melee in the first place, so them being their usual loud, noisy selves went unnoticed.

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses in agreement*

Bifocals: Oh look, we came to an understanding on something.

Halle-fuckin’-lujah.

Miller and Brian pointed at Dmitri, knowing it would annoy him.

“Point you’re fucking fingers at me one more time and I will rip them off your hand” Dmitri said sternly

Contacts: He gets this upset over being pointed at, God help Dmitri if he ever plays a Phoenix Wright game.

Miller and Brian simply smiled, it was important to keep morale up and joke around a little on mission. Brian didn’t want anxiety taking over.

Hard to be anxious about victory being a forgone conclusion.

Contacts: Oh, come on, maybe they’ll actually fail this one!

Bifocals: Ha.

Contacts: Yeah, you’re right. Boy, it sure is hard to be excited about a bunch of Stus getting into a fight with a bunch of mooks.

About 30 minutes of more walking, with no conversation, the squad came across a dirt road. They didn’t think anything of it until they heard cars traveling toward them. Brian gave the hand signal to take cover, the squad hid behind trees, with Jacob going prone in his current position. They listened as they sound of the engine grew closer and closer. Brian peeked his head out, but immediately took cover again upon seeing multiple pickup trucks; all of which had .50 cal machine guns on them, Manned by men men in bandanas.

Ah, this would be the locals, then.

Contacts: Ever notice how stories like these always have the natives of an area be way too well-equipped for whatever they think might come their way? I mean, every patrol vehicle has a heavy mounted turret? Why? If it’s a routine patrol, you shouldn’t feel the need to be that kitted out at all times!

Now, are you saying this because you legitimately think it makes no sense, or because you’ve suffered a not-insignificant amount of grief trying to steal top secret intel from such groups to sell off for an exorbitant fee?

Contacts: Both, obviously.

Obviously.

Syl, out in the hallway: Obviously.

Contacts: Hey! Fuck outta here!

*Book Specs stifles a horrified gasp in the hopes that Syl will leave without noticing his particular brand of silence*

“Local militia” Jacob said through his radio.

“Shouldn’t complicate us too much” Brian replied.

Bifocals: They are right next to each other, yes? Why are they speaking through their radios?

If they’re the kind of radios I’m thinking of, I can actually excuse it, because it’s not like they give off loud walkie-talkie squelches every time someone pipes up, and it’s a pretty good way to hear what someone is saying without them having to speak up and give everybody away.

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses*

Not everybody knows telepathy, dude, that’s not viable for field op strategies.

The pickup trucks passed by the squad. Kicking up dirt as they drove off; Brian decided to use the dirt to their advantage, wanting the lowest possible chance of getting detected; he signaled the squad to sprint across the dirt road, so they did.

They swiftly sprinted across the road to be met with more forest. Brian looked at his GPS to find they were nearing the objective area, and should be on high alert.

“1 click away, keep your eyes peeled boys. ” Brian said to his squad

I have to wonder how authors can write redundancies in such rapid succession and not notice after a while that they keep repeating themselves.

*Alarms Blare Twice*

*Book Specs gives the alarm a Look*

*eep!*

The squad continued walking through the forest, only a few hundred meters from their objective, they had their weapons on facing forward, barrels toward ground slightly, ready to shoot at any threat that came across them.

Contacts: Always be sure to turn your gun on before use.

Bifocals: It is possible to turn a gun off?

Contacts: I dunno, you’re the one who used to develop weapons, you tell me.

I like how they have the guns pointed towards the ground, “ready to shoot any threat.” What are you gonna do, ricochet the bullets into their knees?

Contacts: You joke, but Shades has done that before. Just to show off, more than anything else, though considering that she hit Monocle in the knees, I don’t think she’d contest claims of it being intentional.

Brian and the squad now had visual contact on their objective, which was a small outpost made up of about 15 buildings and two wooden watchtowers,

Contacts: “Small outpost?” Fifteen buildings? Fuck you.

Unless those buildings are all outhouses, I’m calling bullshit.

Brian pulled out his binoculars to see what they were dealing with. He saw the average Talon grunts, held their weapon poorly, and had cheap gear.

*snerk*

“Team Valkyrie is super cool because they don’t use all those stupid powers or gadgets that everybody else does!”

Did that stop being the main shtick while I wasn’t paying attention?

And we’ve previously established, more than a few times, that Team Valkyrie also has no idea what they’re doing.

Bifocals: Oh, but Talon has nincompoops with aftermarket equipment.

He also noticed a bar gate lift up, which caught his eye.

Contacts: Really.

*Alarms Blare*

*Contacts blind-fires an explosive arrow out into the hall; moments later, explosions happen*

He starred at the gate for about 5 seconds before one of the the pickup trucks he saw from before drove into the outpost.

“Huh, Looks like Talon befriended your local friendly militia” Brian said to himself.

Bifocals: My goodness, who would have thought that the random patrol of bad guys were, in fact, working with other bad guys?

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses in faux-incredulity*

“See anything yet?” Jacob asked

“No, just a bunch of untrained idiots with cheap gear” Brian replied, scanning over the rest of the outpost.

That’s never gonna stop being funny.

Contacts: Irony-blindness is a real killer.

Brian decided that now was his time to move in, he had no visual confirmation on Dan smith. But he had a gut feeling that he was here.

Contacts: Really? You sure about that? You don’t wanna, maybe, scope the joint out for a few hours, make sure you’re not pissing off random Talon soldiers over a big ol’ snipe hunt?

Nah, Dan’s probably there, we’re good to go.

Contacts: Are you sure abou-

THEY’RE TAKING ALL OUR SECRETS, CONTACTS! WE GOTTA MOVE!

“Alright were moving in, Jacob, provide us with some cover. And watch out for the .50’s, they’ll tear you apart” Brian said..

Brian slowly made his way out of the forest and down a small hill. With Dmitry and Miller close behind, Brian took cover behind a small square shaped building, with Dmitri and miller stacked up behind him.

Oh God damn it, not this shit again.

“Brian, be advised you have a tango to your 11 o’clock, militia, backed turned to you.” Jacob said through the radio

Brian took the opportunity and quietly made his way out of cover; he looked to his 11 o’clock and saw a militia goon taking a piss against a building. Brian slowly pulled out his knife, and crept his way up to behind him. In a swift motion Brian covered his mouth and inserted the knife directly into his throat. With the man gargling blood until he stopped moving. Brian slowly dropped the body and went to go peak the corner of his current cover.

…Uh, hey, Brian? I don’t mean to bother you about this, but uh, DID YOU JUST LEAVE A DEAD BODY LYING RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN?!

“Brian be advised, another militia grunt heard the commotion, he’s approaching you positing now.”

Brian took a deep breath and listened closely, he concentrated all of his attention on the footsteps he was hearing. They grew closer and closer until they were right beside him.

“Take it” Brian said through his earpiece.

The second Brian said that, a bullet passed through the grunts head. Brian was quick to run out and grab the body before it hit the ground, avoiding the loud thud it would make.

Bifocals: Oh, but nobody heard the very loud boom the sniper rifle made?

Contacts: Fifteen buildings in this outpost, and everybody inside is deaf as hell.

Miller and Dmitri made their way over to Brian.

“I saw a Talon soldier, over by that stack of tires” Miller said

“Brian moved to the other side of the building we was leaning against, and peered his head out.

“I have two tangos with submachine guns” He said to his squad.

Contacts: For some reason, I keep associating “Tango” with “terrorists.” I guess, considering that it’s Talon, I’m not exactly wrong.

“Alright boy’s here’s the plan, Miller and Dmitri, make your way over to the two grunts. Just kill them, they aren’t important. I’ll interrogate the loner over by the stack of tires.”

Brian’s gonna interrogate someone again? This plan is already terrible.

“Got it” they both said, walking off to kill the two grunts.

Brian walked behind another building to get a better view on the loner. He could easily get to him; the only thing standing in the way was the .50, which was still manned by a Militia goon.

“Jacob, I need you to take care of this machinegun, should be at you 1 o’clock” Brian said through the earpiece.

“I’ve got eyes on” Jacob replied.

Quickly and quietly, Jacob fired a shot at the machine gunner, hitting him in the chest and made him fall out of the truck.

Bifocals: And then the entire base went on high alert and Dan was moved into cover, thereby failing the mission.

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses*

Bifocals: I know that is not what happens! Leave me alone!

The lone Talon soldier was now rushing to the aid of the militia goon. Distracted, Brian made his way up behind the Soldier and wrapped his arm around his neck, with his pistol against his head.

“Don’t you fucking scream or I will blow your brains all over this truck” Brain said in low intimidating voice.

“W-what do you want!” The soldier said with a shaky voice

“Where is your officer? Where’s Dan smith?” Brian said.

“H-h-he’s here! Small two story building at the east side of the outpost, he should be on the top floor.” The grunt said.

Contacts: So a “small outpost” has fifteen multi-story buildings? Fuck you again.

“Thanks” Brian said

He threw the soldier onto the ground, the soldier tried to get up and run away but Brian didn’t give him a chance, he shot him several times in the back, causing him to drop dead.

Contacts: Or, you know, one bullet would have sufficed.

Not with the guns they’re using.

“Did you get that Jacob?” Brain asked

“Yep, eyes on the building. There should only be one grunt in your way”

“Kill him “Brian ordered

After about 5 seconds of silence Jacob got back on the radio “He’s down, you should be all clear”

Bifocals: Five seconds of silence? How?

I can’t justify this. In five seconds, unless Jacob was sniping right next to that building the whole time, there was no way he could have broken cover, gotten in and shanked the guy, then fucked off back to his sniping post. And as established several times already, bigger guns make bigger noise. What the fuck did Jacob do, kill him with the Force?

Brian walked though the rest of the outpost with ease,

Contacts: What.

Oh, you know, fifteen buildings, sure, we only need like five guys for that.

glancing at the Talon soldier Jacob had just shot. He made his way over to Miller and Dmitri, who had taken care of their targets. As Brian walked passed them he gave them a hand single to follow him. So they did.

“Jacob, regroup” He said through his earpiece.

Brian made his way to the small two story building the Talon soldier had described. He quietly opened the door to find nobody on the first floor, just a bunch of junk.

Bifocals: An entire floor, unoccupied, with nothing of any value to be had. How does anybody get anything done, here?

They don’t, that’s why Team Valkyrie’s just been breezing on through.

Brian walked inside and heard footsteps and shuffling from the upper floor. He walked upstairs to find Dan Smith with his back to him, looking at a screen on the wall; it was a picture of Gibraltar, a few agents in the shot had red circles around them.

Brian took a step toward the officer. Dan heard this and began to turn around

“Josh, you back with my coff-“His speech was interrupted by a punch to the chin.

No, I’d say he is not back with your coffee.

Contacts: But he did bring your coffin! Eh? Eh?

…Bifocals, kill him.

*Bifocals claps her hands; Gilderoy uncloaks behind Contacts, beheads him in one swift motion, then turns invisible again*

Bifocals: You have no idea how stressful it was waiting for you to say that.

Brian then grabbed the officer and slammed his head into the desk, before throwing him into a chair

“Zip him up” Brian ordered. The squad moved in and quickly secured him to the chair.

Little did Dan realize that he’s been stealing Overwatch intel with his fly open.

“W-who the fuck are you!” the Talon officer screamed

He looked at the 4 men with skull balaclavas starring back at him. Before he saw the grey Overwatch patches.

“So they sent you –you PRASITES! To come and capture me!”

Bifocals: Kill you, actually, but otherwise, yes on all accounts.

The “parasites” bit, in particular.

*Contacts respawns*

Bifocals: Speaking of parasites…

Contacts: What a world we live in, that a man should fear for his life because he made a bad pun.

Bifocals: “Thief.” “Man.” You cannot have both, choose one.

*Book Specs passes the popcorn bowl to SC*

Brain looked around the room for any tool that could hurt him. His eyes glanced at a portable electric saw. He walked over to it and picked it up.

“Were not here for you so we’ll make this quick, You are going to tell me the whereabouts of your CO James Keller. You will give me an answer I deem satisfactory and if you do not, I will cut open you’re fucking throat with his appliance you hear me?”

“I swear he never told me his location!” The Officer cried

Brian rolled his eyes at the stereotypical Hollywood movie bullshit.

Wow, Brian really is irony-blind.

He began to prime the saw, making the blade spin a little bit every time he did.

“n-no no” The officer muttered under his breath.

Brian eventually got the saw working; it made a loud screeching sound as the blade spun. He slowly started to move the saw Toward Dan’s neck. The Talon Officer looked at the ceiling, trying to move his neck as far from the saw as possible.

The officer began screaming over the sound of the saw. “Okay Okay! I’ll tell you! Fuck! What do you want to know!

“JAMES KELLER WHERE IS HE!” Brian screamed.

Bifocals: I do not see why he is so frightened, it is just a power saw.

…You know those can really badly hurt people, right?

Bifocals: Only if they get too close to the- oooh…

Contacts: This woman used to make guns, and she didn’t realize power saws were a health hazard until now?

It certainly goes a long way towards explaining why all of her inventions are so dangerous.

“H-he’s located in a compound, coordinates are 237,468. But you’ll never make it inside! It’s a fortress!” The officer exclaimed

Brian dropped the saw, and the officer sighed in relief. Brian turned to Jacob.

“Did you get that?” Brian asked

Jacob simply nodded his head, having recorded it in his GPS.

Contacts: I can’t imagine how he programmed a military-grade GPS with those shitty coordinates. Is it north and west? South and east? The compass rose exists for a reason, you know.

My favorite part is that those coordinates are impossible, because the Earth’s latitude is only ninety degrees, north or south of the equator, and its longitude is only one hundred and eighty degrees, east or west of the prime meridian.

Bifocals: Ah, so Keller is in space, then.

Brian nodded back and looked at the officer. Even under his combat goggles, the officer knew he was shooting him daggers.

“W-will you let me go?” The officer pleaded

Brian simply shook his head. “No, god knows how many more people you’ll kill.”

That’s about the most sensible thing he’s said in this entire chapter so far.

After his sentence Brian pulled out his pistol and took aim that the officers head.

The officer started screaming and shaking violently in his chair “NO PLEASE! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE GOOD GUYS, FUCK Y-”

His words were cut off by Brian putting a bullet in his skull. Leaving the room in dead silence.

Contacts: I tried using “you’re supposed to be the good guys, fuck you” once. My captors came back with, “We are the good guys, that’s why we’re kicking your ass.” I couldn’t really think of a good reply to that.

Brian signaled his squad to leave the building with him, they followed their order, but admittedly little uncomfortable with what just happened.

How many times has Brian gone ape on some poor sap, and this time, you guys are feeling antsy about it?

Contacts: Must be another one of the author’s attempted edits.

Brian pulled out his phone to call Jack.

Overwatch HQ 1400

Jack was giving a brief meeting to the agents posted at Gibraltar. It was just about situation reports from all of them, nothing to serious. Angela was giving her status report on the injured in the infirmary.

“Nothing to serious, some minor fractures, I’ll have them fixed soon enough” She said.

Why is Mercy at Gibraltar? Shouldn’t she be at the main HQ, with all the rest of her equipment?

Jack was listening attentively before he felt his phone vibrate. Knowing it was Valkyrie he didn’t want to keep them waiting. He held out his hand with only his index finger pointing up, signaling Angela to stop talking.

“I’m sorry Angela but if you’d excuse me” Jack said, walking out of the room

“Oh alright” she said with a slight frown.

Contacts: If I were Mercy, I wouldn’t take that. I’d have shot him with my Very Tiny Pistol.

And blown his head clean off his shoulders, which is fucking murder?

Contacts: Oh yeah, her Very Tiny Pistol is Very Scary Powerful, I forgot…

Jack made sure the doors were closed fully before he spoke

“Well?” He asked though his phone.

“Our suspicions were correct, Dan Smith has been neutralized, we have the location of James Keller, and we’ll contact you once he’s dead.” Brian said, before hanging up.

Jack took a deep breath before walking back into the meeting room.

“Who was it?” Ana asked in suspicion

“Oh it was nobody, wrong number”…..

Ana: “Well, maybe if you’d stop giving your personal number out to every random asshole you see, this wouldn’t keep happening in the middle of our briefings!

Right, that wraps up chapter three, folks! And I have some good news: The author actually wiped out chapters six and seven as part of his “redo,” so I only have two more chapters to riff now!

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! We’re gonna go hunt down Keller (who’s on the moon or something, I guess), but not before people in Switzerland continue to have very slight suspicions which will no doubt be promptly brushed off. Again. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Contacts, Bifocals and Book Specs, I’ll see you next time!

*Contacts gets up and pushes Bifocals and Book Specs’ heads towards each other*

Contacts: Now kiss!

*Bifocals and Book Specs share a knowing nod, then promptly begin beating the shit out of Contacts*

It’s nice to see those two have made up.


94 Comments on “1961: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit – Chapter Three, Part Two”

  1. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “‘Look, it’s getting harder and harder to keep you guys a secret; it’s only a matter of time before you’re discovered.’ Jack said,”

    “Reinhardt’s been looking at me very suspiciously, I think he’s onto us,”.

  2. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “They couldn’t fuck up.”

    Unfortunately, Valkyrie are a bunch of incompetents and as a result, they fucked up.

    The End.

  3. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “‘And if you get caught, hide those Overwatch patches, were not supposed to be operating here.’ Brian said.”

    Then why are you wearing Overwatch patches in the first place, you utter morons?!

  4. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “‘And watch out for the .50’s, they’ll tear you apart,'”

    Valkyrie just can’t compete with 50 Cent.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Why are you so hesitant to send us out? If you don’t want to send us then send Blackwatch.” Brian said

    “That’s the problem, how am I going to explain this Intel YOU guys found?

    So, the group that was created specifically to covertly acquire intelligence for Overwatch does not already have in place a method of covertly getting that intelligence to Overwatch?

    Just say this information is being leaked by somebody inside Talon who can’t be revealed for risk of exposure; it’s not that hard!

  6. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “‘I have two tangos with submachine guns’ He said to his squad,”

    Apple and orange.

  7. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “Bifocals: Ah, so Keller is in space, then.”

    Video: James Keller documents his actions.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    Try not to get caught

    Ironclad strategy right there.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    The squad simply nodded and put of their identical skull balaclavas.

    You know helmets are a thing that exist, right? And that most operatives wear those?

    They put their helmets on over top and turned on their helmet cams.

    What do they need the identical skull balaclavas for, then? Why not just wear full-face helmets?

    • SC says:

      I’m telling you, this author played Call of Duty: Ghosts one time too many.

    • BatJamags says:

      1: Full-face helmets don’t have skulls on them, duh.

      2: They’re using massively out-of-date (for their time) technology. Full-face helmets are not used that often today, so it ruins the author’s bizarre attempt at turning this into Call of Duty or whatever.

      3: EEEEEEEEDGE!

      • Anne Eyewitness says:

        Here’s something that’s completely unrelated to the riff, but it’s something I wanted to make people aware of.

        The first riff I commented on here was XCOM Mass Effect, back in 2016. I didn’t plan to stick around so long then, so I just used the first name that popped into my head. Eventually, I got an account under the same name so I could keep track of my comments and replies. I’ve had a lot of fun here, reading and commenting on riffs but I felt like I’d been kind of stuck with a name I chose basically at random. I don’t even like Garfield, unless of course we’re talking about the ShakespeareHemmingway version.

        So, I’m transgender, something I’m a lot more comfortable with now than I was then. I’m starting my transition in the next few months, so I decided to switch my name and avatar here to reflect the gender I actually identify as. Turns out that doesn’t affect old comments, so I’m kind of stuck having all of the things I’ve said previously with the name of a male Garfield character stuck to them. Which is good for people wondering what happened, but not so much for me.

        Sorry, I’m not great at talking about myself. I just wanted to try clear up why there’s been such a drastic change in my online persona.

        • Anne Eyewitness says:

          Sorry, I meant to post this as it’s own comment, not a reply.

        • SC says:

          Just so you know, I’m probably still gonna slip up and call you Jon Arbuckle from time to time.

        • SC says:

          Real talk though, good for you. I happen to have a friend from school who came out as transgender, herself – I used to know her as “Ben,” she is now “Bea,” if I’m not mistaken. (She’s undergone a few different name changes, trying to settle on one that fits her best.)

          EDIT: Nope, it’s “Mabel,” actually.

        • Anne Eyewitness says:

          I don’t mind if you slip up a few times, it takes everybody a bit of getting used to. Thank you for being understanding and accepting, I’ve really enjoyed my time at the Library, I’m glad I can keep going.

          I’m sorry your friend’s had trouble with her name, it can be tough sometimes. I know I went through quite a few before a friend helped me sort that out.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    Bifocals: I feel reasonably certain that the only reason that could possibly be true is because it was a large, noisy melee in the first place, so them being their usual loud, noisy selves went unnoticed.

    So, basically, it was like Discord visiting a Chuck-E Cheeze.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    About 30 minutes of more walking, with no conversation, the squad came across a dirt road. They didn’t think anything of it until they heard cars traveling toward them.

    “Ohhhhhh, so that’s what it’s for!”

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    multiple pickup trucks; all of which had .50 cal machine guns on them, Manned by men men in bandanas.

    Not just men, mind you, but men men! That’s how we know this patrol is extra manly!

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    Brian pulled out his binoculars to see what they were dealing with. He saw the average Talon grunts, held their weapon poorly, and had cheap gear.

    Brian held the Talon grunts’ weapons poorly and had cheap gear?

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    “No, just a bunch of untrained idiots with cheap gear” Brian replied, scanning over the rest of the outpost.

    “And if you guys would get out of my way, I might also be able to get a look at the militia and Talon forces.”

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    Brian took the opportunity and quietly made his way out of cover; he looked to his 11 o’clock and saw a militia goon taking a piss against a building.

    Does this 15-building compound not have bathrooms?

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    Brain looked around the room for any tool that could hurt him. His eyes glanced at a portable electric saw. He walked over to it and picked it up.

    “Were not here for you so we’ll make this quick, You are going to tell me the whereabouts of your CO James Keller. You will give me an answer I deem satisfactory and if you do not, I will cut open you’re fucking throat with his appliance you hear me?”

    “I swear he never told me his location!” The Officer cried

    Brian rolled his eyes at the stereotypical Hollywood movie bullshit.

    Wow, Brian really is irony-blind.

    He began to prime the saw, making the blade spin a little bit every time he did.

    “n-no no” The officer muttered under his breath.

    Brian eventually got the saw working; it made a loud screeching sound as the blade spun. He slowly started to move the saw Toward Dan’s neck. The Talon Officer looked at the ceiling, trying to move his neck as far from the saw as possible.

    The officer began screaming over the sound of the saw. “Okay Okay! I’ll tell you! Fuck! What do you want to know!

    “JAMES KELLER WHERE IS HE!” Brian screamed.

    Yeah, this is another case where torture wouldn’t actually work. The Stu Squad has no way of verifying a location until much later, so if this Dan guy gives them the location of some other random Talon base there’s nothing they can do about it.

    • SC says:

      I swear to God, one of the points I covered in my ranty review of the first two chapters was that the first time they came across a hard-ass veteran, their frankly infantile means of extracting information via “ask once, then beat him up” would fail because he’d just take his secrets to the grave with him.

      Whereas a more competent black ops interrogator would take the time to really work the guy over until he was so broken down that confessing would be a small mercy for him.

      Great job picking up on that, JewishPotato.

    • BatJamags says:

      Furthermore, he has no reason to expect they won’t kill him once he gives them the information, and therefore they have no leverage.

      • SC says:

        It would honestly have been in Overwatch’s best interests to send someone like, say, McCree for this job, because McCree is on the “good guy” end of the black ops spectrum and probably would have offered some means of protection in exchange for the intel.

  17. BatJamags says:

    Bifocals: He thinks that magically binding beasts to one’s will is safer than autonomous subservience from mechanical servants, because the beasts “can’t be accidentally reprogrammed by an idiot savant hacker.” Because nobody has ever used mind control to reconfigure the brain of a non-sentient creature to do their bidding before…

    Kane: Beasts? An interesting choice, though personally I prefer to dominate humanoids. Greater flexibility for a wider range of tasks. The only drawback is that they tend to have all these people who care about them or some such nonsense. “Oh, stop mind controlling my friend!” “Oh, why did you brainwash my brother?” It’s pathetic, really.

  18. BatJamags says:

    And now, team Valkyrie has stumbled across evidence of some guy in Talon Who is somehow spying on two Overwatch outposts in two different countries while hiding out in a different country from the both of them, at the same time.

    I can’t figure how the author thinks this is a coherent plot.

    It could be interesting if the inconsistency were pointed out and the guy turned out to be a teleporter or something, but the author’s insistence on turning this into generic military fiction renders that possibility unlikely.

  19. BatJamags says:

    After the brief call, the four men all went to their quarters to gear up. This was an important OP. Failing this could mean getting agents at Gibraltar kidnapped or killed. They couldn’t fuck up.

    And that was how Overwatch collapsed.

  20. BatJamags says:

    “And if you get caught, hide those Overwatch patches, were not supposed to be operating here.” Brian said.

    *Taps Brain on the shoulder*

    Excuse me, sir, but I just have one question. A minor point, really. But, if you don’t mind, would be so kind as to explain WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING THE PATCHES THEN?!

  21. BatJamags says:

    Contacts: What you are doing now is the opposite of getting there fast.

    It could be a power walk, you don’t know.

    Bifocals: They have to cover a distance of five kilometers in order to reach their objective.

    …It could be a really powerful power walk.

    Somehow, I’m getting the feeling that they’re just using this mission as an excuse to go hiking.

  22. BatJamags says:

    Yes, they did just get spooked by a tank.

  23. BatJamags says:

    Miller and Brian pointed at Dmitri, knowing it would annoy him.

    “Point you’re fucking fingers at me one more time and I will rip them off your hand” Dmitri said sternly

    But why were they pointing at him? What connection does that have to what he said?

    • SC says:

      It’s some dumb thing they did last chapter. I presume it’s a “he’s got the right idea” kind of point that Dmitri continues to not understand.

  24. BatJamags says:

    Contacts: Ever notice how stories like these always have the natives of an area be way too well-equipped for whatever they think might come their way? I mean, every patrol vehicle has a heavy mounted turret? Why? If it’s a routine patrol, you shouldn’t feel the need to be that kitted out at all times!

    Probably for the same reason Gary Stumanity always builds all these fuck-off huge penises battleships even though they’re in peacetime and have no logical reason to anticipate a fight.

    • SC says:

      Does that mean I can expect a team of way badass Turian commandos to fuck Gary Stumanity up in chapters to come?

      …It’s really worrying when I start rooting against my own race.

  25. BatJamags says:

    *Book Specs adjusts his glasses*

    Not everybody knows telepathy, dude, that’s not viable for field op strategies.

    Kane: Then they simply need to acquire more telepaths. Improper planning is no excuse for a lack of efficiency.

  26. BatJamags says:

    Unless those buildings are all outhouses, I’m calling bullshit.

    Irrelevant, but I watched this movie last night and it’s a great speech:

  27. BatJamags says:

    But he had a gut feeling that he was here.

    Little-known fact: all successful military operations are initiated on the basis of gut feelings.

    • SC says:

      None of that “intel” or “scouting” or “extensive strategic planning” nonsense those weirdo generals always get up to.

  28. BatJamags says:

    With Dmitry and Miller close behind, Brian took cover behind a small square shaped building, with Dmitri and miller stacked up behind him.

    I’m just imagining Dmitri running around with Miller standing on his head.

  29. BatJamags says:

    Contacts: For some reason, I keep associating “Tango” with “terrorists.” I guess, considering that it’s Talon, I’m not exactly wrong.

    I sort of assumed it meant “target.”

  30. BatJamags says:

    I can’t justify this. In five seconds, unless Jacob was sniping right next to that building the whole time, there was no way he could have broken cover, gotten in and shanked the guy, then fucked off back to his sniping post. And as established several times already, bigger guns make bigger noise. What the fuck did Jacob do, kill him with the Force?

    I think the idea is that Jacob is too far away for the report of the gun to be audible from the base, so he just sniped the dude. Doesn’t explain why Brain wouldn’t hear the shot over the radio, though.

    • SC says:

      Jacob would have to be several hundred feet away for the sound of a sniper rifle to even be quiet, but that’s not possible with how close he was to everybody not more than a few paragraphs ago.

  31. BatJamags says:

    Oh, you know, fifteen buildings, sure, we only need like five guys for that.

    Well, yeah. Each guy was covering three outhouses.

  32. BatJamags says:

    His eyes glanced at a portable electric saw. He walked over to it and picked it up.

    And the saw was just sitting in this guy’s computer room… why, exactly?

  33. BatJamags says:

    My favorite part is that those coordinates are impossible, because the Earth’s latitude is only ninety degrees, north or south of the equator, and its longitude is only one hundred and eighty degrees, east or west of the prime meridian.

    Bifocals: Ah, so Keller is in space, then.

    Not even. He’s in some kind of weird non-Euclidean alternate dimension where circles have more than 360 degrees.

  34. TacoMagic says:

    “When do you need to leave?” Jack asked

    About an hour ago.

    • SC says:

      Preferably yesterday, but we only just found out about this lead, thanks to Brian’s “amazing” interrogation skills leaving us with fucking nothing to work with.

  35. TacoMagic says:

    “And if you get caught, hide those Overwatch patches, were not supposed to be operating here.” Brian said.

    I mean, I know I touched on this the last chapter, but the fact that they realize that the patches are a problem and still do jack shit to actually address that problem in a reasonable way implies some very unflattering things about the author.

  36. TacoMagic says:

    “Brian be advised, another militia grunt heard the commotion, he’s approaching you positing now.”

    That fucker is always trying to strike up an argument mid-incursion.

  37. TacoMagic says:

    He began to prime the saw, making the blade spin a little bit every time he did.

    It’s an electric saw, numbnuts, you don’t have to prime it, you just hit the on button.

    Also, what the fuck is an electric saw doing in this dude’s office? He’s a slicer of some kind, sure, but that’s not the same as being a groundskeeper who does a lot of hedge work.

  38. TacoMagic says:

    “H-he’s located in a compound, coordinates are 237,468.

    Which places him somewhere in the 4th dimension since even normalized Earth coordinates are bounded by 180, 360.

    To get to 237,468, you would need to go about 1,800 Km North of the North pole and then spin around 1 and 1/3 times.

    • TacoMagic says:

      My favorite part is that those coordinates are impossible, because the Earth’s latitude is only ninety degrees, north or south of the equator, and its longitude is only one hundred and eighty degrees, east or west of the prime meridian.

      Uh, yeah, what he said.

      I’ll be over here playing with the rubber ball.

  39. TacoMagic says:

    Contacts: If I were Mercy, I wouldn’t take that. I’d have shot him with my Very Tiny Pistol.

    Mercy stil 2 stronk, plz nerf again. Kthxbai


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