1958: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I – Chapter Four

Title:  Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Author:  dragonfang33
Media: Movie / Cartoon
Topic: Star Wars / MLP
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Hey, Patrons!  Welcome back to Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I, and you’re just in time to see the Celestial Uberwang penetrate deep into the Unknown Regions.

“Must you phrase it that way?”

Absolutely.  Want to handle the recap?

“Very well.  The Jedi boarded their compensation-class Star Destroyer while the Shadow Order landed the bouillabaisse army onto the pony homeworld in hopes of defeating the most overwhelming enemy imaginable:  The Spring Festival Dance Party.”

Sadly, the chapter was not nearly as interesting as that summary of it.  Anyway let’s see what’s in store for us this-

Part I The Smooze Campagin

Chapter Four

First Encounter, Ponies meet Jedi

Location: Jedi Avenger, Hyperspace

The fuck is that atrocity!?  Is that supposed to be the chapter header or something?  Is part I here supposed to be the same as episode I from the title?  If not, why are we starting with chapter four of part I of episode I?  Do we really need so many freaking subdivisions?

“Regardless, the subtle foreshadowing here implies that your assumption that the Jedi would coincidentally happen upon the pony homeworld was accurate.”

And that somehow the Jedi beat the Shadow Order to meeting with the ponies despite the Shadow Order having a significant head start AND already having landed their invasion force.

Kyle stood at the front of the bridge, gazing out over the vastness of space.

Surveying the formless void as any Stu might do from time to time.

The current readings on where they were locatated hadn’t come in, but according to C3PO they were near the border of the Core Worlds and the Unknown Regions.

They aren’t sure where they’re located, so they just take the protocol droid’s word for it?  Was the navigation team on break or something?

“The personnel listed last chapter did not include navigators.”

Ahhhhhh.

Suddenly he heard a whoosh, and turned just in time to see Kit walk in.

“Daddy,” Kit said, but before she could continue, Kyle gave her the look that she had become accustumed to when she called him daddy, “um I mean Kyle, where are we going?”

This ‘Daddy’ thing is getting creepy, and only partly because the vague wording allows for a wealth of unintended subtext.

“I figured,” Kyle replied, smiling, “that you’d ask that,” pointed to the holographic projector, and with the power of Force Levitation, activated it.

Crunchy.

“Levitation: The action of rising or causing something to rise and hover in the air.”

*GONG*

Author!  Learn to words better!

The image of a small M class planet, covered in water, with a large contenent in the center appeared.

*Facepalm*

Author, M-Class is a Star Trek planet designation.

“Much to my dismay, it appears that the designation was apparently once used in a Star Wars novel.”

Very likely by an author who was unaware of the origin of the classification and didn’t bother researching it.

“It is apparent that he would have a few things in common with our current author.”

“That,” Kyle said, pointing to the hologram, “is the first stop on our path to bring the Unknown Regions into the Jedi Empire.”

“Having two expansionist empires fighting over the Unknown Regions is certainly a different way to go.  Generally you monkeys have a misplaced sense of loyalty toward lower canines.”

It’s really hard to find an empire to root for when there are two of them and they’re both stupid.  I think we may end up having to go with the inevitable heat-death of the universe again.

As he patted Kit on the shoulder, he was suddenly interupted by a vision, a vision of the Sith and of the Brother he hadn’t seen in more then 10 years.

Poor guy just took a plot directly to the brain.

“Brain?”

Okay, head.

“Sir,” a voice said, snaping him out of the vision, “We’re near the planet, should we come out of hyperspace?”

“Heavens, no.  Think of how much flashier your arrival will be if you plow into it at superluminal speed!  It is another of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities.”

To be fair, Hyperspace is seriously jacked up in the uncharted regions.  You’re probably safer ramming into a planet than trying to do anything with hyperspace.  It’s a small miracle they haven’t all been turned inside-out already.

“Yes, Padawin,” Kyle replied, regaining his senses, ‘what was that, Corenth, it couldn’t have been?”

“Well, I can name a certain Jedi who is not a believer in making a properly dramatic entrance.”

Location: Wrath of the Empire, Bridge

Thrill as we get another scene of people standing around on a bridge!

“You are a Star Trek fan, are you not?”

Shut it.

“Brother,” Corenth said, having experianced the same vison, “it’s been a long time.”

Wait, the same vision?  So Corenth had a vision of himself?

As he gazed out the window, an Imperial officer came

NOOOOO-

up to him.

Oh.

“Sir, our radar has detected a massive Jedi carrier jumping into the system.” he said panting.

Carrier?  I thought the Galactic Uberwang was a Mega Star Destroyer?  Not that the classification really means anything since Star Destroyers are used as a swiss-army knife capital ship.

“Have the Jedi detected us,” Corenth enquired

“The only way they could have failed to do so is through sheer stupidity.  As such, we can assume they have not seen us.”

“No sir, the fleet still remains cloaked as you orderd” the officer replied,

Which is apparently something the fleet can do despite being a hodgepodge of ships from every evil empire ever written in the Star Wars EU.  And despite cloaking technology being something that required specialty ships outfitted for the purpose.

 “and we read no Force Sights emiting from the enemy vessel.”

“That makes perfect sense, with the provision that Force Sight cannot be scanned for which is why you did not detected it.”

“Good,” Corenth said, changing the subject, “and how go the operations in Ponyland?”

We have been unable to take over, sir.  They refused to invite us to the party!

“Our forces have taken control of most of the Northern territories, with few losses, and the Yuuzhan Vong and Corprate Alliance have already begun rounding up slaves and other non-Jedi for internmant sir, but the Ssi-Ruuk report that they’ve met up with some resistance when commencing operations in a provence to the south of our Grundleland staging ground.”

*Taco gasps for breath as he falls out of his chair*

“Given the opposition, I feel rather embarrassed for them that they took any losses at all, let alone ran into difficulty.”

So *gasp* what are they doing with the Jedi they find?

“Pardon?”

The Jedi.  The officer made a point to say what they were doing with non-Jedi, which implies that they found Jedi.

“Ah.  Hors d’oeuvres most likely.”

“And,” Corenth said, his eyes beginning to go red.

I don’t blame him for getting a bit pissed.  This is Gen 1 My Little Pony.  Saying you’re running into trouble against them is similar to having issues taking over Muppet Town.

“The Trade Federation is sending a battalion of Battle Droids into the area, and units of the 3rd Impierial Walker Corps are enrute as well.”

“With as much as the author loves lists of references, his restraint here is surprising.  I can think of a dozen more things he could have included in the attack.”

“Good,” Corenth replied, smiling, “how long do you estimate before the provance falls.”

Wait, Provance?  The IT firm?  Why are you attacking them!?  I thought you wanted to conquer the ponies.

“Good information technology staff is hard to come by.  You have to conquer them whenever you have a chance.”

“Current Ssi-Ruuk reports say about another day or so.”

People often underestimate IT’s ability to hold off an invasion.

“But the arrival of the Jedi poses a problem to our plans,” Corenth said, remembering the Jedi vessel that had arrived, “we must gather allies down there, send Scout Troopers out to find those sensative to the Dark Side, or other evil beings.”

“As you command Lord,” the officer said bowing, as the Imperial officer left, Corenth gazed out the window once again.

Why?  No, seriously, why?  You have a fleet of three-thousand capital ships against the Jedi’s ONE ship.  You’re out in the Uncharted Regions, so it can’t jump to Hyperspace to escape and it can’t call for help.  Even if it had a hefty technical advantage, the Celestial Uberwang wouldn’t stand even a glimmer of a chance under the combined firepower of your fleet.  What could you possibly find on this one backwater, primitive planet that could help you against a Jedi expeditionary force that you already have significantly outnumbered?

This is why when you have your villain twirl his ‘stache while talking about his ‘plans,’ you should have bothered to think up some plans for him to have.

“Now Brother it is your move.” Corenth said to himself

“Do you likewise find it odd that Corenth keeps referring to himself as ‘brother?'”

I keep imagining him as a World War II government bonds poster.

Location: Hangerbay of the Jedi Avenger Celestial Uberwang

“Must you do that?”

It’s a defense mechanism.

“Wait,” Kit said, grabbing onto Kyle’s cloak, “I’m coming too.”

Okay, so as stupid as Star Trek was with sending children into danger on military ships, they were never sent on away missions.

“What about dangerous shore leave?”

Look, you can’t protect kids from everything.  Sometimes you have to let them get into potentially fatal trouble on paradise planets before they’ll learn their lesson.

“Kit,” Kyle replied, “you know X-Wings can only carry one.”

Well that shouldn’t be an issue as this is a scouting mission and sending a blatantly combat-oriented vehicle in to do the first pass is a great way to start off with a first-contact war.  You’d have to be really fucking stupid to go in with a fighter.

“Which is why they most certainly are sending one.”

It’s also why Kyle will be flying it instead of staying on the capital ship like the commanding officer should be doing.

“I’ll ride on your lap,” Kit said, and once she said that, Kyle knew he had to take her with him or she would follow in one of the escape pods.

Wow.  His padawan, sorry Padawin, is walking all over him because he knows she’ll just disobey him anyway.  Just, wow.

“I find myself quite impressed!  This makes Kyle a failure as a commander, father, and Jedi.  It is little wonder the Dark Side never bothered to try to turn him, he is a significantly larger force of destruction left serving the Jedi.”

Kyle looked around to see Jacen and Jaina loading the Speeder bikes onto the Shuttle, meanwhile R2 had been loaded into Kyle’s X-wing and C3PO was complaning, as usual, about how much he hated space travel, as two Jedi Warriors drug him up the boarding ramp of the shuttle.  As the final preparations were made, Kyle climbed into his cockpit, followed by Kit, who sat on his lap. When the signal was given, the two craft launched, and a few minutes later entered the atmosphere.

Well, at least they’re sending more than a lone fighter.

“Indeed!  Instead they are sending all their most important characters down to an uncharted planet without performing even basic drone reconnaissance first!”

If only we were lucky enough to have a plot that would punish their idiocy.

Location: Posey’s Guardan, just inside the borders of Dream Valley

“What, might I ask, is a ‘Guardan’?”

Well, Guardan is a Spanish third-person pluralization of Guardar, which means ‘to keep’ or ‘to order,’ so I think it’s a restaurant that serves food family-style.

“Of course it would.  Such insufferable ponies would naturally adopt the worst model of food service.”

Hey, what do you have against family-style!?

“I have told you about my family, yes?”

Fair point.

The two craft, barly missed the trees, but came down right on top of the Posey’s prized flower beds.

“I approve.”

Those must be some huge flowerbeds if they can accommodate two starcraft landing on them.

While the landing was rough, the Jedi, the Droids, and the child were alright.

“I approve less.”

Maybe next time, dude.

Emerging from the cockpit of the X-wing, Kyle immedatly check the surroundings.

“I’ve got something,” he said, as Jacen and Jaina climbed out of the shuttle, “looks like a structure.”

“Guess that means we should get started,” Jacen said, as he unloaded the first Speeder, and smashing even more of Posey’s flowers, “I’ll scout up north to see what I can find.” Kyle was about to object but Jacen sped off before he could say anything.

We’ve badgered this point enough, but I’m still annoyed that this is how they decided to do their reconessaince of the planet.  I don’t’ think they even bothered to scan the thing.  Hell, if the buildings are surprising, they probably didn’t even look out a fucking window at the planet!

“That brohter of yours is something, he doesn’t use the Force but he acts sometimes like the Emperor.”  Kyle said, eyeing Jaina, “But he’s right we should get started, 3PO, R2 come on.” He motioned for the Droids to follow them as the hiked toward the reading.

“Jacen sometimes masterminds Xanatos gambits that pit puppet factions against each other in order to hide a secret agenda of genocide?  I approve again!”

I think Kyle was referring to the way he uses electricity to fry his enemies while cackling with unhinged delight.

“Every bit as good as the genocide!”

Location: Spring Festival, Dream Valley, an hour later

That was it?  Boy, that scene added a lot.

The festival was in full swing, and the Ponies and their animal friends were having a great time.

Holding off the invading forces?

“You have fun in your way, they will have fun in mine.”

Games and fun were occuring all over, and the highlight of the festival, the baby pony dancers was coming up.

You were saying?

“I am beginning to feel unwell.  Can you perhaps supply me with a bicarbonate?”

You’ll be fine.  The feeling will pass once the scene transitions back to the stupid part.

Still the Ponies and the animals played on, unawhere of the Jedi in the woods.

“In the woods?  Did he not land in a garden nearby?  That would naturally be within the city limits, would it not?”

Let’s consult the map!

“Ah yes, that certainly explains why the Jedi took an hour to find the party.”

Kyle looked thorugh the bennoculars

“Bennoculars?”

“I loathe you.”

to see a gathering of strange cretures, even for a Force Knight who had seen it all, these were weird creatures, multi colored, with strange markings on their sides, and flowing multi colored hair, and furry tails, infact to the Jedi they looked almost like small Banthas.

“Taco, add My Little Banthas to the list of things we would rather be reading.”

Done.

“Those are strange creatures Master Striker,” 3PO said, and R2 beeped in agreement.

“Quiet,” Jaina said, “we don’t know if their hostile or friendly,” she turned to Kyle

They’re little furry creature dancing and partying, how bad could they be?

Ech, creepy little cannibals.

“That is hardly fair. They only consume other sentients, not one another.”

“I don’t sense any evidence of the Dark Side, but I do sense some are leaning toward the Dark Side.”

Ponies leaning toward the Dark side, huh?  I’m not sure I saw the same version of My Little Pony and Friends as the author did.

“I feel it too,” Kyle replied, “we must try to either A. observe from here, or B. make contact.” it didn’t take them long to have their answer.

Apparently leaving and never speaking of the strange tiny bantha creatures again didn’t occur to him.

“Odd since that was the very thing I thought of first.  In fact, I developed that plan shortly before we started the first chapter.”

Fizzy and North Star were having the time of their lives playing vollyball with each other.

I’m not sure why I care, but I find myself wondering which one served as the ball.

Suddenly North Star lept into the air, her pink wings fluttering and sent the bubble flying clear into the forest.

“Bubble?”

I presume this is the solution that the author came up with to avoid the ponies having to kill and skin a pig in order to make a volleyball.

“That sounds to be significantly more fun than playing with the ball.”

“No fare flying,” Fizzy said laughing, as she rushed off to get the bubble.

If only.  Airfare is pretty expensive.

“Yes, and if you had your own wings, it would be no fare.”

Ooooh, right.

But what she found was something that made the blue Unicorn frezze

“I presume that is some kind of dessert?”

Probably?  I think Unicorn Frezze is some kind of French take on rhinoceros gelato.

a girl, a young woman, two strange looking Humans, and a man dressed in a weather beaten black cloak.

At least it wasn’t a duster or a trench coat.

“Or a ‘hoodie.'”

Ew.

Kyle, was rubbing the bump on his head, when he looked up to see the Little Pony staring at him, as if she had never seen a Jedi before.

Uh, whose point of view is this supposed to be in?

“Both of them.”

Thank you, that helps tremendously.

“Hi,” Fizzy said, “I’m Fizzy, I’m a Little Pony, who are you?” Kyle was reaching for his Lightsaber, when Kit stopped him.

What are you doing, Kit!?  Don’t stop him!

“I believe that is my line.”

“I’m Kit Kanos,” she said.

“Jaina Solo,” Jaina replied, “I’m a Jedi Knight, and X-wing pilot.”

And top street fighter of New Jersey!

It took Kyle a while to form some words.

Me Kyle, you pony.  Hit pony with glow stick.  Tasty, tasty!

“Kyle Striker,” Kyle said, “I’m a Jedi Force Knight, and those two,” he pointed to C3PO and R2, “are C3PO and R2-D2.” Jaina was about to infrom the Unicorn about her brother but Kyle silenced her.

“With light, constant pressure to the windpipe applied liberally with the Force.”

“They sure are funny Humans,” Fizzy said laughing.

Meh, I find them more sad than funny.

“Hilariously sad, perhaps?”

“Droids?” Fizzy replied, “Never heard of them before, in fact I’ve never heard of Jedi Knights before, tell me about them.”

NO!

“Do not tempt Kyle with exposition or he will oblige in near unending quantities!”

“It’s kind of complicated miss, Fizzy,” Kyle replied. Suddenly an idea crossed Fizzy’s mind.

I find that unlikely, both in this fic and the source material.

“Hay you guys want come back to the festival,” Fizzy asked, “you can meet all my friends.” C3PO walked up to Kyle upon hearing that invite.

“Oh lets go sir,” C3PO said, “I do so love parties.”  Suddenly Kit was pulling at his robe, and reluctantly Kyle agreed, but on the condition that he meet with the leader of the Ponies as soon as possible.

Author, why is proper attribution so hard for you?  If C3PO isn’t the one speaking, then his actions shouldn’t be included in the paragraph where the dialogue occurs!  Especially if he’s about to have his own dialogue anyway!  Same thing with Kit and Kyle’s interaction.  By lumping it like you do, you inadvertently put C3PO in Kyle’s robe and had Kit yanking on him.

Fizzy was jumping around happily that her new firends were coming to the festival, but then she remembered the reasion she was in the forest to begin with.

“I would certainly hate to be the one to-”

Don’t you say it!

“-burst her bubble.”

Dammit, Crunchy!

“Oh dear the bubble,” Fizzy said, “I forgot all about it.”

“Relax,” Kyle said, as he raised his hand, and in an instant the Force drew the bubble to his hand.

Which was apparently just hanging out nearby so Kyle could show off his force abilities and get the ponies to fawn all over him.

“Either that, or think he has unicorn blood in him.”

He drank unicorn blood!?  Kill the abomination!

“Ah, memories.”

“That was amazing,” Fizzy said, in awe, “how did you do that?”

There’s the fawning, right on schedule.

“The Force,” Kyle replied, “the energy field that all living being generate, and gives the Jedi their powers.”

Fizzy wanted to ask more but she could here North Star calling.

“Are we actually going to say anything else at this point?”

Shush, I’m memeing.

“Follow me,” Fizzy replied, and lead the group toward the Spring Festival.

“Lead on, tiny Bantha, toward what is very likely not a trap!”

It would be far more interesting if this was a trap, which is why there won’t be one.

Here’s chapter four, I plan on adding more battles to the next chapter, I will see you after I get 1 more review on this story

Translation: I’m not getting enough attention!  Look at me!  Tell me how great I am Kyle is!  Aren’t all the ships super impressive, too!?  Somebody compliment me!

“The lack of attention this fic collected probably speaks pretty clearly for why it was written and subsequently abandoned.”

Yeah, though I will give the author credit that despite the lack of attention, he kept writing and eventually stopped begging for attention.  Though he never has figured out how to spell “synopsis” correctly, nor did he leave his flair for melodrama behind.  Baby steps.

Anyway, that’s it for this week!  Only two chapters left, so we’re almost there!

“At least this particular work matches its lack of quality with a lack of length.”

In any case, see you all next week, patrons!


35 Comments on “1958: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I – Chapter Four”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    The fuck is that atrocity!? Is that supposed to be the chapter header or something? Is part I here supposed to be the same as episode I from the title? If not, why are we starting with chapter four of part I of episode I? Do we really need so many freaking subdivisions?

    He should really break this up into Acts, Act Acts, and Act Act Acts. Much less confusing.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Sir, our radar has detected a massive Jedi carrier jumping into the system.” he said panting.

    Your radar?

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Current Ssi-Ruuk reports say about another day or so.”

    People often underestimate IT’s ability to hold off an invasion.

    It’s hard to coordinate military action when all your emails get lost and every computer terminal is permanently stuck in a spinning-dots update.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    What could you possibly find on this one backwater, primitive planet that could help you against a Jedi expeditionary force that you already have significantly outnumbered?

  5. BatJamags says:

    the border of the Core Worlds and the Unknown Regions.

    It turned out that the Mid and Outer Rims had spontaneously collapsed into the SDQF, thus allowing the Core Worlds and the Unknown Regions to share a border.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Wait,” Kit said, grabbing onto Kyle’s cloak, “I’m coming too.”

    Ew.

  7. BatJamags says:

    As he patted Kit on the shoulder, he was suddenly interupted by a vision, a vision of the Sith and of the Brother he hadn’t seen in more then 10 years.

    A vague and Void-y vision in which nothing actually happened. Apparently Bro McEvil and his Sith buddies were just kind of standing around, all like “Alright, Mr. Plot. I’m ready for my unnecessary psychic close-up.”

  8. BatJamags says:

    Carrier? I thought the Galactic Uberwang was a Mega Star Destroyer? Not that the classification really means anything since Star Destroyers are used as a swiss-army knife capital ship.

    You say that as if the author knows there’s a difference.

  9. BatJamags says:

    “I’ll ride on your lap,” Kit said, and once she said that, Kyle knew he had to take her with him or she would follow in one of the escape pods.

    This character is every annoying kid sidekick stereotype rolled up into one obnoxious bundle of go-the-fuck-away.

  10. BatJamags says:

    barly missed the trees

    And the author barely missed letting me make another barley joke.

  11. BatJamags says:

    You’ll be fine. The feeling will pass once the scene transitions back to the stupid part.

    Stupid part?

  12. BatJamags says:

    *Puts on a neck brace*

    Kyle, was rubbing the bump on his head, when he looked up to see the Little Pony staring at him, as if she had never seen a Jedi before.

    Hey, this thing does help with the POV whiplash.

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    a girl, a young woman, two strange looking Humans, and a man dressed in a weather beaten black cloak.

    So are the others naked and sexless, or is the man in the coat not human?

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Droids?” Fizzy replied, “Never heard of them before,

    Which is strange, because they were never referred to as such in her presence.

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    Suddenly an idea crossed Fizzy’s mind.

    I find that unlikely, both in this fic and the source material.

    I am imagining it similar to crossing No-Man’s Land in WWI, with the idea running all hunkered down and trying to protect its head.

  16. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “…pointed to the holographic projector, and with the power of Force Levitation, activated it,”

    Because he was too lazy to just walk three steps and press the button with his finger.

  17. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “‘Brother,’ Corenth said…
    …’Now Brother it is your move.’ Corenth said to himself”

    I know this is supposed to be cool and sinister, but I’m just reading it as Hulk Hogan.

  18. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “‘Hi,’ Fizzy said, ‘I’m Fizzy, I’m a Little Pony, who are you?’ Kyle was reaching for his Lightsaber, when Kit stopped him.”

    Hey, remember this?

    If your first instinct is to attack somebody for saying hello, you might just be a terrible Jedi.

  19. GhostCat says:

    Our forces have taken control of most of the Northern territories, with few losses,

    Wait a second – few losses? Few?!? As in, they’ve had losses, just not that many? While fighting My Little Ponies?!?

  20. GhostCat says:

    the highlight of the festival, the baby pony dancers

    Nandatte?

  21. GhostCat says:

    “Taco, add My Little Banthas to the list of things we would rather be reading.”

    Done.

    And Google says …


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