1956: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter Nine, Part OnePosted: January 20, 2018
Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Topic: Justice League
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags)
Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of The Shadow Warriors, the fic that just keeps finding new ways to suck. When I copy-and-paste new chapters into Word, I need to go back and fix a few formatting things to match my set-up, which involves at least skimming the chapter. So, believe me, this chapter introduces a completely new flavor of suck to this fic (well, new to this fic, anyway).
Chapter 9: A Sad Clown
Authors Note: Okay I’m gonna try something different this chapter I hope it’s to everyone’s liking.
Oh, don’t hope; I’m sure it won’t be.
Thank you all for reviewing and sticking with me. Okay I hope you enjoy.
Like I said, I probably won’t.
Disclaimer: I do not own Batman.
And thank god for that.
And there we go. Changing POV nine chapters into your fic, POV tags, and not even telling us who the POV character is, for… reasons.
I sat in front of my mirror at my makeup table putting on the finishing touches to my face. I thought I looked pretty good if I do say so myself. I put on some lipstick as a knock came at my door.
?? (Not to be confused with ?): Drop the Narcissus routine and get out here!
“Sarina are you ready?” My mother’s voice asked.
Well, the ? didn’t last long, did it?
“Yeah, I’m just finishing up.” I said as she walked in.
I looked over at her and she smiled.
“You look very beautiful tonight.” She said.
OK, she’s pretty. Next point?
“Thanks, you look good too.” I said as she wore a classy black dress similar to my dark purple dress. “What exactly is this party for again?”
Geez, this is like something out of My Inner Life.
“It’s a charity event,” She explained. “A lot of people sent donations towards Arkham Asylum and we have enough to enhance our security both supplied by Mr. Wayne and another generous donator Jayden Warney. We also have enough to hire more security guards and doctors.”
Even just reading Edgelord’s name makes me want to punch him in the face.
“Cool, but I don’t see why they need more doctors when they already have you.” I complimented.
That was… actually rather effective exposition. Credit where credit is due, Shadow knight1121. I’ll give you one quarter of a redemption cookie.
She chuckled softly and pinched my cheek.
“Thanks kiddo.” She said as we both walked out of my room and out of the house. “By the way I noticed you were collecting newspaper articles on Batman. You pick up a new interest?”
I mean, so far, these characters are non-edgy and rather well characterized. You get another quarter-redemption cookie.
“Oh, well I kind of grew to like Batman and all of the Justice League but he’s the most awesome of them all.” I said like a giddy fan girl. Which I kind of was. “Also, have you ever had this new guy as a patient? I think his name was…Shadow, that’s it!”
And here’s where it goes downhill, isn’t it?
“Shadow, what do you know about him?” My mother asked as we approached the car.
?: Well, he’s this really annoying and self-righteous Edgelord.
“All I know is that he’s like an evil version of Batman only he has super powers.” I said. “He’s fast and strong he can shoot lighting and ice from his hands and rumor has it he was trained by Batman himself.”
Where did Edgelord even get these bullcrap powers, anyway?
“That’s some rumor,” My mother said as we got in the car and she started it. “Anyways, no I’ve never had him as a patient because Batman has never captured him.”
Which actually should’ve occurred to ?. Not that it makes any sense at all that Batman hasn’t caught someone as incompetent as Edgelord.
“Really, he’s captured everyone even Catwoman, even though she never has made it to the asylum but he still caught her.” I said defending B-Man.
Catwoman tends to keep a low profile. It’s not impossible for the average Gothamite to have heard of her, but she’s probably not a household name. Plus, she wouldn’t make it to the asylum because she’s not mentally ill. She’d be sent to Blackgate Penitentiary.
Also, “B-Man.” Who are you, Harley Quinn?
Or else… no, this story wouldn’t do something that stupid.
[Note from THE FUTURE: It would. Except it’s actually less stupid than it by all rights should’ve been. This’ll unfold over the next few chapters.]
“True, but I heard he had two friends of his that always bailed him out though. Trouble not prison.” My mother explained. “He is interesting though.”
He’s really not.
“Why’s that?” I asked.
‘Cuz the author says so.
“Well, I have studied his patterns and from what I’ve heard from Batman he’s always trying to one-up him.” My mother explained. “Whether it’s fighting, catching criminals or even killing them.”
Wait, how much do you know about him? It seemed like you were asking ? for information earlier?
I gulped at that last part.
“He kills them?” I asked in a shaky voice.
Yeah, he’s a real psycho. Belongs in Arkham, even if he’s never been there.
“Sometimes, but from what I’ve gathered on his personality he has harbored a grudge against Batman for something he’s done in the past. What Batman has done I don’t know.”
We know all this.
“Wow, I almost feel sorry for him.” I said in a sad tone.
“Yes it is sad, but that doesn’t change the fact that killing people is the solution.” My mother said.
It’s not sad, but the rest of that is true (assuming the author meant to write “isn’t” instead of “is,” which would make sense).
I remained silent as we continued driving to the party. The silence was becoming unbearable as I decided to change the subject.
You act like it was really uncomfortable, but the writing indicated that your conversation just kind of came to a halt.
“You know I’ve met Mr. Wayne a few times but I think this is the first time I’ve ever heard you mention Jayden. What’s his story?” I asked.
Don’t ask about that. It’s really long, and I’m stuck reading it.
“He’s a young billionaire playboy just like Wayne.” My mother explained. “His mother died from cancer when he was young and his father was gunned down when he was ten. I heard he disappeared for a while and when he came back he used his trust fund to start up his own corporation making security systems for common households and even government contracts.”
We know all this.
Did the author decide to rewrite the story and just stuck it on the end of what he already had?
“Wow, so he’s pretty loaded.” I said.
And so are the guns he uses to murder people because he sucks.
“Yeah, he’s rich smart but he’s also unstable.” My mother deadpanned.
“What do you mean?” I asked confused at how a rich playboy could be unstable.
Gee, I wonder.
“He has too much to prove especially to Bruce.” My mom explained. “He’s always buying things that Bruce owns and he always selling things that should at least be given some second thought. Like recently he had a whole supply of handguns with a safety device that only fires if the user is registered. Only someone stole the weapons before they were delivered to the army cargo plane.”
Oh, look. New information which is also actually relevant to the rest of the plot. That’s a rare specimen.
“I don’t see how that’s his fault.” I said.
The dude used inadequate security. How do I know this? His guns got stolen. If his security were adequate, his guns would not have gotten stolen.
“He rushed the delivery he didn’t even know the army was looking for business but here’s the thing it was a scam. There was no army base or transportation. He might as well have just given them the guns willingly, which he kind of did.”
He’s pretty gullible. Is that… a character flaw?
One more quarter of a redemption cookie.
You’re almost there, Shadow knight1121. Don’t mess this up.
“Wow, poor guy.” I said as we arrived at the party.
Still no sympathy for the murderer.
We went in and were surrounded by mostly doctors from the Asylum and some other generous donators. I stuck by my mom for a little while and god was it boring. None of my friends were here and I had left my phone at home the only time it got exiting was when Bruce Wayne showed up.
That paragraph was obnoxiously teenager. I kind of love it.
People went nuts over him. They were all sharks’ other rich people wanted to make him business offers reporters wanted a story and women…well don’t even get me started on them.
Lest I get too enthusiastic about the increase in quality, I will note that the prose is still abysmal.
After the how do’s he made his way over to us. Mom fixed my hair even though there was nothing wrong with it and greeted us.
Still, I mean, look at this. It’s… good. If this keeps up, I’m going to have to start skipping to the bad parts.
For a moment, I thought that maybe this went up a while after the last chapter and Shadow knight1121 got better at writing in the meantime, but an inspection of the reviews shows that chapters 8 and 9 were uploaded within days of each other.
“Hello Dr. Gibson.” Mr. Wayne said in his suave tone of voice as they shook hands.
“Hello Mr. Wayne,” She greeted as she motioned to me. “You remember my daughter Sarina.” He smiled as he extended his hand.
“Hello Sarina.” He said as I took his hand.
“Hello Mr. Wayne.” I said with a shaky voice. This was really important and I didn’t want to mess this up. My thoughts were broken away as a tall black haired man and a younger boy approached.
Alright, stop hello-ing. It’s like a Marx Brothers skit at this point.
“These are my guest for the evening, my young associate Richard Grayson and this young man who I’ve taken in is Tim Drake.” I shook hands with Richard and Tim only for him to take the back of my hand and place a small kiss on it.
And we’re getting more appearances from canon characters. Dangit, story, go back to sucking so I can riff you!
“Nice to meet you.” He said in a charming voice. My face broke out in a small blush as I looked away shyly.
*Loud explosions can be heard from the basement*
“Um…Nice to meet you too.” I said dreamingly. That was the first time I had met Tim Drake.
“Brucey boy!” A new voice exclaimed.
That’s… a little bit painful to read.
And Jayden Warney.
And that’s why.
*Ominous rumbling intensifies*
I looked over and saw him in a black suit with a bunch of his friends surrounding him. His date was a beautiful red haired woman who wore her hair in a ponytail and wore a beautiful backless dark blue dress.
Just in time to ruin a perfectly good chapter.
*Assorted explosions, gunfire, screaming, and other signs of extreme violence*
“Hello Jayden, Ms. Alexandra.” Bruce greeted as he held his hand out. Jayden grabbed it and embraced Bruce like they were good friends.
Except they hate each other, right? I’ve been getting mixed messages on this.
*Extreme violence intensifies*
“Aw, my god it’s been awhile hasn’t it?” Jayden said as he pulled away. “How are you doing Richie?”
Author, he goes by Dick. Silence your inner twelve-year-old (or just silence yourself, if you’re actually twelve as I suspect you are/were at the time of this writing) and deal with it.
*BadJamags smashes through the floor with a barbaric howl of rage*
Speaking of twelve-year-olds…
BadJamags: FIRST OF ALL, YOU SHUT UP. SECOND OF ALL, THERE WILL BE NO GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BLUSH-
BadJamags: Is that part of a redemption cookie you have there? Tasty! *Yoink!*
*BadJamags drops through the hole in the floor, happily munching on his quarter-cookie*
Sorry about that, author. I guess you’re back down to half a cookie.
“I’m fine Jayden how are you?” Richard asked with a slight irritation.
I’d be more than slightly irritated by this smug prick.
“Good, good and little Timmy how’s the rich life treating you?” Jayden asked with a slight playfulness but I could tell there was bitterness in his voice.
“Jayden, this is Dr. Gibson and her daughter Sarina.” Bruce introduced.
But Tim didn’t answer the question!
“Ah hello, hello.” Jayden greeted as he motioned to his friends.
“This is my girlfriend Alexandra,” He waved to his girlfriend.
“Hello.” She greeted.
Please don’t start this again.
“My body guard and chief of security Marcas.” He introduced his big Russian friend who was wearing a classic body guard suit.
“Classic body guard suit?” Huh?
“Dobryj vyechyer.” He said in Russian. (Good evening)
Dang. I used an actually-useful dictionary (as opposed to Google Translate) and some transliteration mojo to try to catch him on bad Russian, but I think this is about right.
On the other hand, there is no reason for him to be speaking Russian here other than to emphasize how Russian he is.
“My brothers Flynn and Jason.” He then motioned to two young men. The one called Jason was a young seventeen year old boy and the other Flynn was a twenty or something year old. Jason looked somewhat more fun loving than Flynn who looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“And his date Hilary.” This girl looked more bored and disgusted than me. She looked beautiful but in a more rugged way like she would rather be dressed like a boy than a girl.
“And last but not least Sam and Blaze.” These two were strange Sam had shaggy brown hair who kept messing with his hands as if he were hiding something and Blaze was a young man with black hair and looked less than happy to be here.
“Um…nice meeting all of you.” I said sheepishly. I didn’t want to be rude but some of these guys creped me out.
Aside from being turned into a pancake, this is a logical reaction to meeting these freaks.
“Likewise, likewise, hey where’s the booze?” Jayden shouted as a waiter brought over a silver platter of champagne glasses surrounding a whole bottle. He took one and gave each of his friends a glass and he just took the whole bottle for himself. I heard my mother and Tim let out a grunt as he started chugging the bottle.
Well, aren’t we obnoxious?
“Hey take it easy there.” Another voice said.
Aha! A voice!
I looked over to see Commissioner Gordon and his daughter Barbra Gordon who was in wheelchair come up next to us. She looked over at Jayden as he let out a grunt of disappointment.
“Hey Aunt Barb.” Jayden sighed.
Edgelord: Aw, but I wanted to get drunk and generally be an asshole.
She rolled next to him and placed a hand on his wrist, he looked away ashamed but then looked at her and smiled.
Afterwards Tim asked me to dance with him as Jayden and Ally did the same. Flynn and Hilary sat at a table drinking champagne as Sam, Jason, Blaze and Marcas were mingling with guest.
“So, if you don’t mind me asking and feel free not to answer but what happened to your father?” Tim asked.
*Holds up Spare Punctuation Box*
Look, Tim, if you’re short on commas, you can borrow one of ours. Complements of the house.
I was hesitant to answer at first but I felt like I could trust him. I don’t even know why I trusted him enough to tell him maybe I’m just a sucker for young good looking boys.
No, see, you may be fairly well-written, but I’ll still need to ask you to back away from the canon character.
“I don’t really have a father or I do but I don’t know where he or even my mother is.” I said as my happy expression dropped. “My mom told me that I was adopted right away when I was still a baby. All my mother told me was that my parents died my father of cancer and my mother childbirth.”
Ooh, mysterious, in a generic sort of way.
God I sounded pathetic. Here I was with a nice boy and I’m feeding him my sob story. Now I’m just waiting for him to pretend that something came up so he can run away. It happened a few times before no one ever truly cared about my life other than my mother and a few choice friends.
“I never really met him” works well, too. Then, if they press for more information, they can’t really fault you for telling them stuff they asked for.
“I’m sorry about your parents.” Tim said in a sincere tone.
Eh, I guess it’s a cute moment, though I’m not sure what a sincere tone exactly sounds like.
I blushed again as he held me closer to him.
*Ominous rumbling resumes*
Oh, for the love of-
“Thank you.” I mumbled in a daze. So much for not being like the girls who are after Wayne.
OK, Bruce is popular in canon, but he doesn’t just have random women throwing themselves at him whenever he walks into a room.
*Blah blah three more action tags with noises getting scarier*
Not as much as when this fic sucked. Go back to that!
We looked over to see Mr. Wayne dancing with another random girl as Jayden snickered next to us.
See what I mentioned above.
“Yeah, it looks like you’re having a good time yourself.” Tim said causing Bruce to laugh.
*BadJamags crashes through the floor again*
There was a perfectly good hole right there.
BadJamags: YOU BLUSHING PIECE OF SHIT!
BadJamags: I don’t have the energy. Just give me another redemption cookie piece.
*BadJamags grabs another cookie quarter and jumps back down the hole*
Author, start doing more things right before he takes away all your redemption cookie pieces!
“I guess you learned from the best.” Mr. Wayne said as he reached over and ruffled Tim’s hair purposely embarrassing him. Time started to whine childishly causing me to laugh as well. I looked over at Jayden and noticed that his cocky attitude was now glum and depressed. He was looking at Bruce and Tim as if he was jealous or maybe remembering something.
Yeah, yeah, he’s a bonus bat-brat. Move on.
“Are you okay?” I asked at random. I don’t even know why I had asked I had no interest in being his friend or getting to know him.
I’m sure someone in the comments watches enough anime to make a joke about this.
“Yeah, booze just gets me depressed.” He said as he and Ally walked away. “Excuse us.”
Well, yeah, when you chug an entire bottle of the stuff. Also, I’m not sure the kind of stuff they’d serve at a Bruce Wayne party can really be called booze.
I watched the two walk over to the bar and then watched as Bruce had the same look on his face as Jayden.
Is there edge going on that I’m missing?
There was something between the two but the question was what? I was broken from my thoughts as someone fired a gun in the air. Everyone screamed as a man in a purple suit held a handgun in the air. My eyes went wide as the man started laughing maniacally. It was then and thee I knew who he was.
There’s a difference between having something be surprising and having a plot development happen in the middle of a paragraph with no lead-in.
“What kind of a party is this without clowns to liven it up?” He laughed again.
This could be awesome or terrible. Unfortunately, we’ll have to find out which it is next time, because this riff is running long. Ugh.