1877: Toxic Promises – Oneshot

Title: Toxic Promises
Author: Girl With The Dandelion
Media: Movies
Topic: Land Before Time / Jurassic Park
Genre: Romance / Angst
URL: Toxic Promises
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Hey,patrons,welcomebacktoWednesday!Ididn’tsleepwelllastnightandhavehadfivecupsofcoffeeinthelasthoursoletsgetriffing!

BAAAAAAAA!

*GONG*

Thanks, bud, I think I’m good now.

So, it wouldn’t be a one-shot marathon without something with dinosaurs in it!

BAAAAAA!

Adopted doesn’t count because it wasn’t a one-shot.

Anyway, for our obligatory Dinosaur fic, I’ve got a cross that could possibly work!  It doesn’t, but it could!  The cross is Land Before Time and Jurassic Park.  And I’m saying it could work because they both involve dinosaurs.  You know, sorta like how The Shawshank Redemption and Ace Ventura both have humans in it!

Since neither of these are new canons, we can just get right to it with the summary!

What normally would have taken months, even years to adjust to, took only a few minutes for Cera to fathom.

Hey look, overwrought prose in an angst fic, who could have predicted that!?

BAAA.

Look, personally I consider the word misuse a bonus, but you can call it what you like.

Given that summary and the edgelord name “Toxic Promises” you all should have some idea of what we’re getting into.  So let’s go!

Cera walked the plains scattered across the Great Valley.

Uh, plains are kinda big flat areas of grass, so how do you get ‘scattered’ plains?  Especially in an area as confined as the Great Valley?  Is word misuse going to be the theme of this damn fic?

Her head was hurting and her heart uncontrollably pounding.

*Pipes the symptoms into Web MD*

So she’s either undergoing atrial fibrillation, having a panic attack, or has overdosed on caffeine.

*Coughs uncomfortably*

Not that I’d know anything about that last one.

Littlefoot had just professed his love for Cera.

Oh the drama of prepubescents proposing their love for each other.  That’s not a transient thing at all!

Despite what her whole soul urged her to say, she had told him it would never work.

Romantically, this is somewhat true.  Not only are they wholly incompatible species, but they’re also quite a few years away from sexual maturity.  Not to say that romance isn’t possible in this case, but even for a cross-species relationship they’re jumping the gun by a decade or two.

Unless this is supposed to take place after they’re grown.  If only there was some kind of literary mechanic to let people know the situation surrounding this scene!  In the absence of such an unlikely thing, I’ll continue to assume this is within the confines of the movie series, which places Cera’s and Littlefoot’s age in the five to eight range.

Littlefoot would want a family and that was something she could never give him.

Definitely something you’d know by the time you were in the second grade.

She was a three-horn for goodness sakes! The tears that she held in the corners of her eyes now slowly fell to the ground.

All right! Who’s screwing with gravity again!?  Crunchy!  Get in here and explain yourself.

*Crunchy slinks into the room*

“I resent the immediate conclusion that must automatically be involved every time the laws of gravity are rewritten.  Even if it is true.”

Cera, too, loved Littlefoot. She loved him so much that she would inflict this same gut-wrenching heartache on him.

So she’s plotting to inject caffeine directly into the heart in his intestines?  How nice of her.

“I cannot help but approve of her methods.  Raptor courtship is quite similar, though we inject pure hydrobromic acid to make sure the burning of our love is felt as strongly as possible.”

I still have a hard time figuring out when you’re making stuff up about raptor culture.

You see, Cera had finally grown up.

‘Finally’?  Was she overdue or something?  Is she in her seventies and just now going through puberty?

I know dinosaurs wouldn’t age like humans, but most theories on large dinosaur lifespans suggest sexual maturity likely wouldn’t be until the dinosaur was forty years old or possibly even older.  So the time delay on a ‘late bloomer’ could potentially be counted in decades.

*Crunchy snorts* “Such things are better off forsaken entirely.  Even if we ignore the distracting influence and time sink that romance represents, there is the risk that the whole fiasco culminates in a rather disgusting and unnecessary exchange of bodily fluids.”

Why are you still here?

“You need a dinosaur expert.”

No I don’t, I didn’t even ask for one!

“And yet you still received one!  How fortuitous, yes?”

She knew love required one to put others needs above your own.

Or so Hollywood would have you believe.  Personally, I can think of absolutely no negative repercussions to putting the entirety of someone else’s needs above your own.

“I tend to agree.  Provisionally.”

That provision being that the needs taking priority are yours, right?

“See, you do understand!”

Cera was executing this knowledge at that very moment.

Knowledge, you have been found guilty of trying to inject logic into fan-fiction by this court and are hereby sentenced to death by firing squad.  Have you any last words?

“Step forward lads, it will be easier that way.”

It’s not nice to steal.

“I have never been accused of being nice.”

She was pondering on this matter when she failed to notice the glowing green gunk she had wandered into.

Suddenly, and likely from underneath, The Ooze!

Wait, wasn’t this supposed to be crossed with Jurassic Park?  The heck is The Ooze doing here?

Once she felt a burning sensation crawling up her legs, Cera looked down. The goo was only up to her ankles and her entire body was in immense pain.

“This reminds me of the time I accidentally wandered into lava.  Boy, was my face red!”

I hate you.

Squealing she struggled to break free. Once she did, she raced away, thinking,

“I find that thing, of all else, unlikely.”

Ew! What in the world is that stuff?

Pure, undiluted plot.  The burning sensation is temporary and goes away once it overwrites your free will.

Computer monitors beeped as several technicians watched a video on their computer screens.

The beeping is probably unimportant, hey check out this video of a cat knocking another cat down the stairs!

An Asian man with black rimmed glasses and a pure white lab coat sat back and clapped his hands, elation lighting up his face.

I think this is supposed to be Doctor Wu, but Wu doesn’t wear glasses so… *Taco shrugs*

“Subject 20C has made contact! I repeat 20C has made contact with the Morphing Gel!

Which is different than ‘The Ooze’ because of the spelling!

“The plan, as best I can gather, is to send some kind of mutagenic compound back through time in order to test the effects of exposure on a Triceratops.  I have some suspicions that Wesker might have helped fund this venture.”

Cera relaxed her burning limbs in a refreshing stream nearby.

What was that stuff?

*ALARM BLARES*

Dammit all!

“Fret not, I have contacted the future and had them flood the hallway with Ooze!”

That seems highly unlik-

*Frantic screaming comes from the hallway*

“Or I may have just flooded the hall with lava.  It achieves much the same effect.”

Ah.

Cera felt a light wind suddenly around her, and she glanced up to see Petri hovering just above her. She smiled lightly, and called out to Petri,

“Hey Petri! How have you been?”

Oh no, don’t you go all zombie chronicels with the dialogue attribution!

Petri landed next to her and smiled,

“Wow Cera! We haven’t talked in a long time. I’ve been doing just fine, how about you?”

“I have been doing very well in the time that we have not talked, my friend.  I have spent much time inventing new things to say in natural dialogue to sound natural.”

You do that disturbingly well.

Cera put up a front and said she was doing great as well, even though she really wasn’t…and her spine was beginning to tingle too.

Don’t mind little old me, just melting into a small pool of genetic material.  What have you been getting up to?

Soon, the sun was starting to settle and Petri and Cera bade their remorseful good-byes, each knowing it would be another long time before either of them spoke again.

“Keep your friends far away and your enemies close.”

That’s not how the saying goes.

“You have not had many Sith friends, have you?”

Fair point.

Their gang of friends had slowly broken apart as they were older. Ducky and Spike were with their own families, and Petri had started a family as well.

Such is life, though you would think that living in the same small valley and not having much more to do with your free time than to eat grass would make it easier to see your friends a little more often.

“If all my friends spontaneously broke into song, I would hesitate to spend time with them as well.”

Crunchy, you’re the one who always bursts into song around here.

“And yet it has proven relatively ineffective at keeping you all away from me.  I may need to revisit my methodology.”

The only ones who actively kept in touch were Cera and Littlefoot, though Cera suspected that would change as well. Even though they weren’t all beat friends anymore, that connection was still there.

“Beat friends share a special pummeling that transcends both time and species.”

When they did encounter one another, it was like they never grew apart; like they were still younglings frolicking the fields with their crazy adventures.

Which isn’t at all creepy given that the premise of this fic revolves around a romance between these two.

“Actually it is quite-”

Not. At. All. Creepy!

She supposed it would always be like that.

But two sentence ago you just said you would inevitably drift apart.  Make up your damn mind!

Once Petri was gone, Cera began her short trek home. Her comfortable space of land that she had no one to share with brought only more angst and sorrow.  Cera felt she would always be alone.

Hold up, gotta set the mood.

Okay, continue.

“I loath you.”

She knew if she couldn’t have Littlefoot then she would never have anyone. She didn’t want anyone. She had no one.

“Soon she will realize that the only thing she ever needed is the Force.  Affections for anything else are wasted.”

Let me guess, next comes the Darkside pitch?

“Heavens, no!  I come from a period where the Darkside still had standards.”

Her father and stepmother had long since passed away, and now she was left with nothing except her fond childhood memories.

It’s not enough, gotta dip into the emergency angst basket!

There we go!

Once she had felt sleep pull at her eyes, Cera dreamed about the many adventures she shared with her friends; Chomper, Ducky, Littlefoot, Spike, and Petri.

“I dare to hope we are spared any plot regurgitation of those sickeningly musical adventures.”

Fortunately for us both, the scene cuts back to the future at the Ooze monitoring center.

The man in the white coat beckoned to another coat clothed associate, a woman.

May as well just label them scientist A and scientist B.

“Too specific.”

“20C has fallen asleep; we’ll know if the MG will have a positive affect or not once she awakens.”

MG?

“Monster glomp.  It is what the Darkwraiths call getting hugged by Gumdrop.”

The woman spoke now.

“Apparently not.”

We’re waiting!

“Dr. Wu, what DNA has 20C been inserted with?”

Dr. Wu glanced at a clipboard on his desk.

“Erm, Brontosaurus I believe.”

“Author, in the unlikely case that you think this turn of events is clever and well constructed, let me disillusion you.  This is, in fact, not clever.”

The PCC begs to differ.

“Of course they do.   Reality reduces their bottom line.”

The sun was now rising over the Great Valley and everyone was starting to wake up, including Cera.

Hold up, so now Cera is considered part of ‘everyone?’  Lame.

Standing up and reaching the height of the trees and stretching her long neck, Cera blinked in the newly established light and screamed

“Dinosaurs do not scream, we warble in concern!”

(A/N: or bellowed rather, as I imagine more accurately matches a dinosaurs sound).

*GONG*

No author’s notes!

BAAAAAAA!

“What is he doing here?”

How did you miss him?  He takes up like ninety percent of the room!

She stamped her four gargantuan feet on the ground and began to shake.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

“To not put too fine a point on it, your author is uncomfortable with interspecies relationships that preclude the possibility of offspring so has contrived a situation to turn you into the species of your affection in order to facilitate a more acceptable copulation.”

It seems so much more racist when you spell it out, doesn’t it?  Of course, it would be much more interesting having these two come to terms with their differences and either decide on romance in spite of the impossibility of offspring or even to decide that they can’t be together and live with that reality.  But that sort of stuff is hard to write, which is precisely why the fic decided to employ a Deus Ex Machina instead.

“I have a feeling the possibility of a more complex union may not have even occurred to the author.  I find the execution of this reconciliation particularly unreasonable after having so closely co-habitated with not one, but three individuals who are broad-spectrum leches.”

Not even hardware incompatibility stops them.  Hell, they view it as a challenge.  Though perhaps the three of them are not the best example given the relative shallowness of their relations.

“I think perhaps it is not such a large step to move from rampant promiscuity to the deeper pits of affection, perhaps especially so for Swenia as she has little desire for offspring beyond Jiwé.  From the standpoint of genetics, it matters not with whom she decides to eventually ‘settle down’ with if such a thing were to happen.  Yet, any such affections would be no less real for the lack of procreative products.”

That’s a suspiciously insightful comment on relationships coming from you.

“Just because I do not personally participate in something does not mean I find studying it without value.”

Trampling like a very large elephant, Cera stormed to the nearest pool of water and bellow-screamed once more. Then, realization slowly dawned on her.

I’m a…long-neck?

Taking a long time for that realization to process.

“Sauropods are not the brightest creature to have ever walked the land.  She may have had to sacrifice more than a few of her faculties for this change.”

Several white coated men and woman paraded around the room now while confetti, clipboards, eye-glasses, and papers of all sorts flew up in the air.  Someone opened a bottle of champagne.

We did the thing!

“I am unclear as to what we accomplished with this experiment, successful or not.”

We. Did. The. THING!

“Success,” shouted Dr. Wu. “We did it! We morphed a Dino!”

“Which is only slightly more impressive than engineering one from genetic remnants.”

I would think the time travel required to accomplish this morphing would be a much bigger thing to celebrate.

“Pfft.  Teleporting goo into the distant past is hardly difficult.  Most civilizations accomplish this centuries before developing their first faster-than-light drive.  Now teleporting the camera back so they could monitor the situation, on the other hand…”

What normally would have taken months, even years of adjusting to, took Cera only a few minutes to fathom.

Call me crazy, but that line looks oddly familiar.  Can’t put my finger on why, though.

“It is obviously your imagination.”

Now, only one thing was on her mind.

*Swenia walks into the room with a boombox blaring porno music held above her head*

Okay, that one’s fair.

Littlefoot.

Uh, is that the narrator thinking that?  It’s all by itself on the line and all italicized and stuff.

*Crunchy waves his claws*

Littlefoot.

Littlefoot.

Searching high and low, Cera found him brooding beneath a tree.

Oh no you don’t!  I haven’t got that many angst videos and I’m not about to go searching for more this close to the end!

Hearing an almost familiar feminine voice calling his name, Littlefoot sulkily glanced up to see the second most beautiful dinosaur, next to Cera of course.

Cera is his best friend whom he’s mooning over, yet her voice is almost familiar?

“With all the physical changes she underwent, it is highly unlikely her voice would sound anything like what it did before her transformation.  It is a small miracle she can even control her muscles enough to talk or move around.”

Suuuuuure, use logic.

“Umm, do I know you? How do you know my name?”

Excitedly, Cera announced,

“Littlefoot you moron its me, Cera! I don’t know what happened, so please, don’t ask. But do you know what this means?”

We can get together while still maintaining genetic purity!

*Taco shudders*

Sorry, just had a Jedi’s Destiny flashback.

Cera got her answer when Littlefoot nuzzled her neck.

And, thankfully, that’s where the fic ends.   However, before we get too excited, there’s an author’s note.

“Given the content of this ‘work,’ I find myself concerned at what might be contained in that note.”

I’m share those concerns.

Authors Finishing Note: For all those wondering, I feel in animal world, licking on the cheek or nuzzling on the neck is the animal equivalent to kissing.

It speaks volumes that the author respects her audience so little as to think that needs explaining.

“The next sentence is probably to tell us about the rabbits.”

And if you’ve ever seen or read Jurassic Park, then you’d recognize Dr. Wu, so yes, this is a Jurassic Park and Land Before Time Crossover.

“That, however, is a more understandable declaration for as little impact as that information had on anything.”

If you have any unanswered questions, feel free to PM me, and don’t hesitate to review and let me know what you thought! Thanks for reading!

You can see above for the whole thing, but, in a nutshell, I find it borderline disturbing that you felt the need to change Cera’s species in order to validate a ship pairing while still maintaining the genetic purity of that pair.  The worst part was that the change was unilateral.  Cera didn’t chose to change, and her concern prior to the transformation was all about that Littlefoot wanted a family and she couldn’t provide that, but nothing was said about what she wanted.  It would have been a much different story if she’d shared his desire for a family and she couldn’t reconcile that desire with also wanting to have a relationship with him, but nothing of the sort was ever mentioned, which backseats her role in the relationship.  And that’s not even touching on how cheap it was to reconcile the conflict in this way.

“The more we unpack this fic, the worse it gets.”

You’re right, let’s stop.

“Should we not have some kind of conclusion or farewell to give the patrons closure?”

Nope!  Wait, wasn’t there supposed to be some kind of promise somewhere in that fic?


19 Comments on “1877: Toxic Promises – Oneshot”

  1. BatJamags says:

    Cera, too, loved Littlefoot. She loved him so much that she would inflict this same gut-wrenching heartache on him.

    *Points dramatically*

    Ship off the port bow! Man the cannons!

  2. BatJamags says:

    Once she felt a burning sensation crawling up her legs, Cera looked down. The goo was only up to her ankles and her entire body was in immense pain.

  3. BatJamags says:

    Cera relaxed her burning limbs in a refreshing stream nearby.

    Which, for a lot of gross burny stuff, can actually make it worse.

  4. BatJamags says:

    “The next sentence is probably to tell us about the rabbits.”

    And guys like us, and how it’s gonna be?

  5. BatJamags says:

    Well, that was pointless and creepy.

  6. GhostCat says:

    So these scientists located Cera, who is apparently not their first test subject, teleported the Ooze to a random location in the hopes that she might stumble into it, and then … turned her into a different species? And she managed to gain all that weight and rebuilt her skeleton in the few hours she was asleep? Without feeling it? Where did the raw materials come from? Even when small, Cera and Littlefoot are not the same size.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Title: Toxic Promises

    No, wait, that’s that other thing isn’t it?

    Wait, no-


    Never fucking mind.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    Ew! What in the world is that stuff?

    Pure, undiluted plot.

    Oh, so that’s the active ingredient in Necrosleep!

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    Computer monitors beeped as several technicians watched a video on their computer screens.

    What the fuck kind of computer setup has a beeper in the monitor?

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    the sun was starting to settle

    Pretty sure the sun should not be doing that.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    So I guess at the end of the day, this is a ‘fic about…

    Cera’s Chemical Romance.


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