1831: Unknown Origins – Chapter One, Part FourPosted: August 13, 2017
Title: Unknown Origins
Media: Video Games
Topic: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Adventure and Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie and Hiraani
Welcome back to Unknown Origins, the fic that tries and tries but never succeeds. And…screw it, let’s just get through the prologue. There’s not a lot left to throw at me.
Oh, and uh. *reads notes* Dr. Mitchell is a worse doctor than I initially thought, it’s highly plausible this takes place in a post apocalyptic universe with all your favorite cartoon characters, and the AJB is still around saving the world.
Yay. Let’s move on.
“Done? Good. Now, try standin’ up. Let’s see if we can get ya on yer feet.”
I mean, it’s not like she’s stood up before this, right? Right?
Doc Mitchell held out his hand, and she carefully grasped it, blushing once more at the contact.
So what level of Mary Sueism are we at, Hiraani?
Hiraani: *watches dial slowly turn* We’ve passed Rose from Titanic….
She stood up from the bed, took a step forward, and stumbled. She would’ve wiped out had the doctor not caught her as she fell forward. She looked up at him, her face a deep red. “Um… uh… um… th-thank you, d-doctor…”
Hiraani: And Shailene Woodley from anything she’s in….
“It’s alright. I figured you’d have some difficulty at first. Try to take a few steps forward. Test your legs out. Good. Now follow me over to the vigor tester machine over here.”
Here’s a thing that annoyed me about Charlotte’s Web, the book. It’s a fine book I guess, but there’s this one paragraph where Charlotte just narrates entirely what she’s doing and explicitly tells us everything she’s saying to herself. And you know exactly what I’m talking about.
She followed him over, crossing her arms under her breasts. It wasn’t that she was embarrassed by the their size, even if the material of the patient gown was very thin and really bulged out in the chest because of them.
Hiraani: We’ve passed ‘anime school girl’….
Really? I thought Cyber had a bit more self respect than to do that.
As much as she was embarrassed by the size, her arms had a much more important job in guarding her dignity. She… was bouncing…
“Good job. Your legs are in fine shape.”
She looked down sadly. “I’m… I’m five feet tall…”
“There’s nothing wrong with bein’ short. At least you’re…” he cleared his throat. “Proportionately petite.”
*a loud explosion*
Hiraani: Your Mary Sueism dial broke.
Well, why’d you break it?
Hiraani: I didn’t. The Mary Sue is too strong with this one.
*sighs, mutters something about Acme*
Okay, fine, whatever. Let’s continue.
Except these… she thought, hiking her crossed arms up a bit more under her hefty bosom.
“Now, don’t worry. Just give the Vit-o-matic Vigor Tester a try.
Is this a sex toy? Have I been tossed into a porno by a magical swamp lizard again?
We need to see what faculties come with your compact size.”
*cringes* Yup. I knew it. I knew it. Switch to the next thing.
She looked up at the strange machine before her. “Um… h-how does it work?”
“Just push the button with your palm. It’ll give ya a fortune on your prowess in various fields.”
Seems legit. Hold on. *pushes button with palm, fortune cookie falls out. Angie cracks it open and reads* ‘The days of your sanity have ended.’ Cool! It actually works!
She reached a hand forward and pressed the button. The machine began flipping through various phrases before coming to a stop. Strength… Lightweight. Perception without glasses… Squinting Newt. Perception with glasses… Sniper Hawk. Endurance… Handle with Care. Charisma… Diplomat. Intelligence… Smartypants. Agility… Walks on Water. Luck… Stacked Deck.
Hmm…I don’t know, I think the fortune cookie thing works better. *grabs a cookie for Mary, cracks it open* ‘Those bullets should have killed you.’ Wowwee!
“Well, your agility is top notch. Charisma and Intelligence are really good, too” Doc Mitchell mused, sounding impressed.
“But… my strength and endurance… they’re…” she said sadly.
Nobody’s perfect. But I’m sure you’ll find a way to prove me wrong.
Not because I think you’re perfect, but because you’re a Mary Sue and I hate you.
“Below-average is all. I wouldn’t worry about that. Now, how about you come into the next room and I give ya a quick psych test? Gotta make sure them bullets didn’t leave you nutty in the head.”
I think you mentioned that at some point, so….
*BLARING ALARMS BLARE*
He led her into the next room. She followed quietly behind, her arms still crossed under her breasts not for coverage, but for support… as embarrassing as that was.
There are so many things in this fic that I wish I never read. Why did I take up fic reviewing anyway? I’d rather serve burgers to bratty people who can’t grill for themselves.
“Just have a seat on the couch. I’ll ask you a few questions.”
She took a seat, squeezing her legs together and sitting up straight in a very rigid and unrelaxed sitting pose.
…wait. No. No, you don’t mean…YOU CAN’T MEAN….
“All right. I’m gonna say a word. You just say the first word that comes to mind. Dog.”
Oh God, here we go.
She swallowed hard. “Um… c-crush.”
Riveting dialogue. Truly. The paradigm of all the dialogue that has ever been. Even better than the meat in Master of the Universe. Truly great.
“Okay, now I’ve got a few statements. I want you to tell me if they sound like somethin’ you’d say.”
She wasn’t sure why that came to mind… she couldn’t even remember ever having a mother… “Um… o-okay.”
Alright! Time for even more riveting dialogue!
“First one. Conflict just ain’t in my nature.”
“Uh… s-strongly agree.”
“I ain’t given to relyin’ on others for support.”
“Um… Strongly disagree.”
“I’m always fixin’ to be the center of attention.”
“Easy there. I’m not accusin’ you of anythin’.”
She blushed, averting her gaze from the doctor. “S-Sorry.”
“It’s okay. Next one… I’m slow to embrace new ideas.”
“Uh… strongly disagree?”
“I charge in to deal with my problems head on.”
Alright! Well, this has been fun, but I have to lea—
Anti Joke Brigade Officer #2: *holds a gun to Angie’s head*
okay nevermind im sorry.
“Almost done here.” He turned around and grabbed some flashcards from behind his back, holding up an inkblot drawing. “What do ya say ya have a look at this. Tell me what ya see.”
*peers into the inkblot* Hmm. I don’t know, it looks like one of Niel’s drawings.
Niel: *gives Angie a picture he drew*
Aw, Niel! That’s going up on the fridge! Thank you sweetie!
“A b-broken chain… I think…”
“Okay. How ’bout this one?” He flipped to the next one.
She immediately blushed and looked away. “I’m… I’m too embarrassed t-to say what it looks like…”
How does it look so specifically like this one thing that there’s no way you can otherwise define the painting? It’s like that picture with the duck/rabbit thing.
Ah! It’s a naked lady!
“That’s okay. Now, this is the last one.”
“A… a light in the darkness.” On second glance, it looked more like two bears high-fiving…
*gestures widely* See? This sentence gets it!
He set the cards aside. “Well, that’s all she wrote.”
She gave a sigh of relief. All this attention was making her head swim…
I know this is probably an actual metaphor, but all I can think of is that scene in Alice in Wonderland where Alice is crossing a mast by walking on stone heads.
That was a weird movie.
Well, that’s all she wrote. I’m Angie, and…please find something better to do with your lives.