1830: Succubus – Chapter One

Title: Succubus
Author:
 GypsySiren
Media:
Video Game
Topic:
Skyrim
Genre:
Romance/Adventure
URL:
Chapter One
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

-Hosen walks into Riffing Chamber 7181B, now designated as his personal Riffing Chamber, as he forgot to remove the Heresy Counter from the desk when he last skedaddled, the eldritch plastic button soaking up the enmity of months of Badfic and welding itself to the desk, subsequently transmogrifying the room and a few adjoining closets into a personal sanctuary. The room is 900% more Goffic than it was before; the desk now made of ebony wood with antiquated brass lamps and fixtures overhead, the evil button proudly adorning the center with quills, inkwells, several arcane scrolls, and various odds and ends uniformly arranged on either side.

An old-timey Super 8mm projector hums from a loft near the ceiling as it inexplicably plays classic movies on a loop without human intervention. It casts flickering glows across memorabilia of the likes of Ed Wood, Robot Monster, and Monty Python on the walls, and the blue, gold, and black theater carpet-

Well this place is right fucked. Hello patrons! It’s me, Leider Hosen! Here with the very belated Skyrim Fic riff I teased in the yesteryears of six months ago!

Contain your non-existent excitement por favor.

Heresy Counter: [I am a cat… meow]

…Ok. Speaking of, yes I’m aware one of our intrepid interns, Tim, attempted to pry the Heresy Counter from its rest without proper protection and was cast into the 49th Circle of Super Hell, where all the Badfic characters go when their fic dies. I also know he’s stuck in a five way between Buster, Harker, Jenna, The Goblin King, and Edward-117, and only legolas and his gards have come to assist him.

At Hosen Inc, safety is number one priority. I just placed an order for someone to destroy them all the demons and got a hit within 30 seconds. For free!

I think we’ll have him out in… *carry the one to the exponent of Sue and square-root by the Rule of Funny* A month… ish.

So, with that PR nightmare out of the way, to the badfics! Fittingly, this fic includes a certain classical demon. No, it’s not an interesting one. No, it’s not implemented competently. Really it’s just cheap fetish fuel, as you can guess by the title. Welcome to the Library.

So today, we’re taking a trip to Tamriel and visiting the lovely province of Skyrim. You know, from that one low-budget indie game that no-one’s heard about!

*BOOM*

And we’re down another Sarcasm Detector. But in all seriousness, here’s a super abridged account of Skyrim’s relevant lore, because if you thought Dark Souls had dense lore your head’s going to burst just trying to comprehend Elder Scrolls lore due to the sheer bulk of it.

There are two main classes of Deity: Aedra and Daedra. The Aedra are the “good” gods that caused life and the universe to be a thing, which is great news for Mankind! Among the Eight Divines (Nine Divines if you’re a Nord, more on that), Akatosh is believed to be the first god and the creator of time itself, which kicked the creation of the universe into gear. There’s also speculation he could be one of three or four other deities or related to them by way of *mumblety mumble* The Nine rule from the realm of Aetherius, which also houses a subdivision called Sovngarde, in-universe Valhalla, just as the Nords are in-universe Vikings.

Meanwhile, the Daedra rule their own plane called Oblivion, home to demons and godlike beings who fuck with mankind for the Lolz in their spare time. Oblivion is subdivided into diverse realms of power, each one ruled by a Daedric Prince. It’s important to note that not all the Daedra are outright evil, but few of them are entirely good.

If you’re wondering why I’m explaining all this, it’s because it’s going to be important in short order, so please bear with me cuz we’re just getting started.

The dragons are the children of Akatosh and his first son is Alduin the World-Eater. As the name implies, when the Aedra decide the world is soo last week, Alduin destroys the shit out of it and devours all the souls of the dead to create a clean slate to build from, something he’s done at least one time before.

Well, somewhere along the way Alduin developed a major god-complex and appointed himself ruler of the dragons and the rest of the world. Instead of destroying creation, he ruled it with an iron fist and devoured anyone foolish enough to oppose him, establishing the church of himself by way of the Dragon Cult and gifting nine mortal men doomed to die the rings of power.

Wait, wrong universe. Alduin gifted his nine most loyal priests time-defying magic masks like this:

That granted them great power, and they in turn sired more dragon priests into the fold to do Alduin’s bidding with their giant armies. Inevitably, mortals decided it wasn’t cool to be ruled by dragons and revolted.

Now, humans were tiny and brittle compared to Dragons, but thanks to Paarthurnax, Alduin’s top lieutenant and possibly brother, mankind learned a neat trick from their overlords: The Thu’um. Because the Dragons were the kin of divinity, their voice could warp reality to a limited degree if they so willed it, all they needed to do was channel their souls into certain words of power. It turned out that man could also learn these words, all they needed was decades of practice and the right training.

Well again thanks to Paarthurnax, a good portion of the Dragon Cult could use the Thu’um and there were means to teach others via engraved word walls scattered around Tamriel, so when the rebellion happened there were several heroes that could use the voice against the dragons and level the playing field a little.

Behind the scenes, Akatosh himself lent a helping hand: he gifted the soul of a dragon to a mortal man, creating the very first Dragonborn. Though anyone could learn the Voice, the Dragonborn, or Dovahkiin in Dragonspeak, had the ability to eat the souls of dragons. This permanently killed the dragon as well as granted the Dovahkiin all their power and knowledge. Because of this, the Dovahkiin could effectively learn any shout in an instant and immediately wield it like a pro, as well as accumulate an infinite number of shouts as long as he ate enough dragons to power them.

Alduin held the Dragonborn up as a demigod, but the Dovahkiin betrayed Alduin anyway and went on a murdertastic rampage. Sadly, the first Dovahkiin was a grade A+ asshat named Miraak who tried to take over the world from Alduin. Miraak failed when Alduin zerg rushed him with dozens of dragons at once and presumably destroyed him, the World-Eater leaving Dragon Priest Vahlok behind to make sure Miraak was really for sure never coming back.

He came back. But that’s a different story. The important thing is Miraak was only the beginning of a long line of Dragonborn that would arrive in times of need.

Without the Dragonborn, mankind was unable to kill Alduin, only moderately inconvenience him with a shout called “Dragonrend”, which severed his ties to the sky and forced him onto the ground. Because Alduin completely overwhelmed the three heroes who engaged him in battle, one of them used an Elder Scroll, also known as the “I fucking win” button, to open a portal in time and launch him into the future.

Without Alduin, the dragons were hunted to extinction and mortals eventually forgot everything and decided dragons were just a myth. Well, those who knew better knew that Alduin was coming back one day, and left a fittingly ominous prophesy:

“When misrule takes its place at the eight corners of the world

When the Brass Tower walks and Time is reshaped

When the thrice-blessed fail and the Red Tower trembles

When the Dragonborn Ruler loses his throne, and the White Tower falls

When the Snow Tower lies sundered, kingless, bleeding

The World-Eater wakes, and the Wheel turns upon the Last Dragonborn.”

Each of these lines represent events in the past four games, plus Skyrim itself. The fifth event marking the return of Alduin turned out to be the civil war between the Imperials and Stormcloaks- and I really could go on about that, but this expodump has already hit fuckhuge levels so I’ll talk about that later.

Now then let’s see here; I’ve got my coffee, I’ve got the badfic, I have the counters warmed up and ready to go, but I feel like I’m missing something…

Oh. Right, I sorta completely abandoned my OC in the Library.

*pauses* That’s strange, I was sure he’d pop in from the Formless Void if I acknowledged he existed.

*whispering* Like this.

Yaaaaah! How the shit did you get in here and what possessed you to sneak up on me!? How did you sneak up on me!?

Abrelepine: Syl

Is she just the answer to every incident in the Library?

Abrelepine: When she teaches one how to use the SDQF at will to traverse the Formless Void, yes.

Oh yeah, that was a thing.

Abrelepine: I have a life when you’re absent, dear. Namely because I’m not afraid of people.

Probably because you’re fictional and can get away with whatever I say you can. Well, whatever me and my fellow Librarians say you can.

Abrelepine: You don’t need any help with this at the moment, so I’m going to just visit Lina’s and call it an afternoon. And don’t worry about Sulyvahn, he’s returned to his rightful place in Dark Souls. Only completely original characters are in peril of being marooned here without a fic to return to. Have fun with your badfic.

-Abrelepine steps back through the flux and vanishes-

Right. Okay, let’s hope there are no more surprises and move into the fic proper.

Our tale begins with an Author’s Note at the beginning of the chap so red with flags it’s hard to make out the text, and serves as an advance warning for what’s to come:

This story’s main character is going to be a succubus, so plenty of MA content. Also, there will likely be language and lot’s of violence, because Skyrim. You have been warned.

AN: If anyone wants to request certain characters you would like to be involved in the “heated” scenes, I will certainly take them into consideration. Though keep in mind, I will be following the main quest line first, with a couple of side objectives, so I won’t drop my character in Windhelm right off the bat to get it on with Ulfric Stormcloak. Constructive criticism is welcome, and so are suggestions. If I get a comment today, I will go ahead and upload the lemon scene. If not, I’ll upload it tomorrow. Thank you for your time. Have fun!

Warnings: This chapter has mentions of violence and lemons, but no real stuff yet. I didn’t want to put a lemon in the first chapter. That’s for the second page ;)

Disclaimer: I do not own Skyrim, or any of the famous quotes I may or may not use.

See what I mean? Firstly, the formatting is a trainwreck. It’s too split up. There’s a warning prefacing the rest for no real reason, there’s an “AN”, which has its own section when really this whole thing is an AN, then there’s a second warning after the AN! Labeled warning! And it’s topped by a Disclaimer like a cherry atop the summery sundae.

“The MC is a seckz deemun” sounds like a warning to me, so really you should just move the line to the WARNING section so can have both warnings in one area and have “AN” at the start, so the “AN” tag covers the entire preface. And what’s the point of saying there’s “plenty of MA content” in a vague manner than immediately describing the content specifically a paragraph later! I guess it’s to place a warning for the entire fic then more warnings on a chapter by chapter basis just to layer on the warnings of trigger content as though us dumb audience types would read a Rated M fic but be so shocked when some chapters have Rated M content! That is so-

[Blaring Alarm Blares]

A DRD invasion in the fic summary, a new record!

Heresy Counter: [Never…]

-The Soldiers of the Department of Redundancy Department Soldiers banging on the door are warped into Super Hell in the middle of banging on the door to do battle with Bellafly in Super Hell-

Ouch. On one hand I may have a permanent solution to the DRD, on the other hand that’s a little cruel and unusual, and on my foot I’ve completely lost control of the situation so I guess we’ll move on. Now that we’ve talked about the formatting, let’s talk about the content in easy to read bullet format:

  • There will be language and lots of violence “because Skyrim”? What’s that supposed to mean? I mean yeah, Skyrim has some fucked up things in it, but it’s kept relatively tasteful and the majority of the really disturbing stuff is off-screen in the lore and not really described in detail. The fact is lampshaded in-universe by “The Lusty Argonian Maid”, a smut novel about as racy as a 13-Year Old’s fanfic because everything is obscured by metaphors too silly to possibly take seriously and nothing actually happens.

The most severe insult in the entire game is “Bitch”, and it’s only uttered once by Ulfric Stormcloak towards Elenwen. Milk-Drinker is the common insult, and a few of the more racist characters have various slurs, but by modern standards the language could pass for PG-13 honestly.

The violence is similarly subdued. You whack enemy, enemy spurts a little blood, repeat until they ragdoll to the ground. Compare that to shit like Mortal Kombat and No More Heroes, and you see why I don’t think it’s that much of a to-do.

Baring that, if you’re going to rate your fic MA (which isn’t even possible since it caps at M, so M is basically “everything goes” anyway) I’m pretty sure that tells your readers everything they need to know about what to expect. Which makes the addition-

[Blaring Alarm Blares]

Yeah, that.

-The DRD Agents are similarly banished, one of them bearing a boombox playing DOOM music-

Poor Bastards, have to say though, the DOOM music made the fiery pit to Super Hell eating their souls a lot more epic… wait a minute!

-All the DRD Agents, plus their allies from earlier, return- Damn. Outsmarted again.

“I’m angry because that was a terrible experience that was not fun, and that makes me angry!”

Hey, listen. You like vintage memes, I like vintage memes, can’t we just-

-Extreme Violence, Hosen respawns in a forsworn bikini-

I guess not. The point is, there is such a thing as playing it too safe, author. Yeah, you’re going to offend people sometimes, that’s life, but it’s an insult to the intelligence and maturity of your readers to feel the need to hammer it in THREE FUCKING TIMES that this M-Rated fic is in fact M-Rated and people who don’t like adult content should GTFO.

  • The “AN” tells us nothing insightful about the fic or its author whatsoever and perfectly illustrates how screwed this author’s priorities are. Appealing to the readers for ideas is an extremely bad idea in general. A well-written story has tons of complexity that is really, really hard to work new ideas into unless the territory is highly open and in the early stages. This means either many ideas will be left out, or the idea will be forced in at the expense of logic which can only lead to plot bunnies everywhere unless we’re dealing with a very skilled author.

An author who’s summary is outlined so poorly it’s triggered two DRD attacks is not a very skilled author.

And here’s a new one: he’s holding a lemon scene hostage for reviews even though he’s going to publish the lemon the next day anyway. What is your thought process Siren? What is it? I don’t get it. Do you think people will be so hype to see boinking they will comment just to see it a day early? Do you think getting a review on the very day the story is posted will be a huge boost?

I’ll be nice though. It’s pretty clear you’re new to this and you even went out of your way to thank the readers for the time they took out of their day to read your little gem of creative work. I can respect that.

Don’t expect it last though; I am a part-time Guest Librarian known to throw more punches than pull them, so let’s see how well you impress when we get to the really real meat of the plot.

Akotosh wanted a Dragonborn, and he wanted Sheogorath and Sanguine to keep the Daedra off the Dovahkin’s back. However, Sam and Sheogorath had conditions. They got to pick the candidate.

Wait a minute, that line sounds familiar. What was the summary of the fic again?

Akatosh wanted a Dragonborn, and he wanted Sheogorath and Sanguine to keep the Daedra off the Dovahkin’s back. However, Sam and Sheogorath had conditions. They got to pick the candidate.

Fucking hell are you seriously so lazy that you couldn’t even be assed to come up with a different opening line/summary instead of just copy-pasting it? This isn’t redundant but it is criminally lazy.

And yay! We have our first counts of Heresy! Do you remember that chunk of text where I described the difference between Aedra and Daedra and how they don’t always get along? So, it makes sense Akatosh doesn’t want the Daedra to corrupt the last, best hope for humanity and the only one alive that could possibly defeat Alduin, right?

There’s just one, small problem with this master plan…

This is Sanguine, DAEDRIC PRINCE of whores, hedonism, and debauchery.

This is Sheogorath, DAEDRIC PRINCE of Insanity, creativity, and mad genius.

Guys! Guys! I’ve got the best idea in the history of good ideas, okay? To protect the Dovahkiin from the Daedra, we should appoint TWO DAEDRA to protect her! And not just any Daedra, we should appoint God-Level Daedra! And instead of Meridia, Azura, or other such Daedric Lords that are at least partially lawful and responsible, we should get the two best known for fucking with humans for the lols!

This move makes Akatosh look absolutely retarded on so many levels. He can’t command the Daedra as they follow their own rules and the Divines don’t want them around anyway, but if he did call on them, of course they would answer because the Dovahkiin is so immensely important any Daedra would cream themselves at the idea of getting a Dragonborn into their ranks.

Hermaeus Mora already let Miraak into his little Cthulhu playhouse because he was an absolute beast with the power to affect mortals from fucking Oblivion, and through the game every Daedra you meet thinks you are the shit and should totally be on their side.

Giving any Daedric Prince your blessing to mingle with the Dragonborn with impunity, especially for a cause as asinine as using one Daedra to protect her from another Daedra, when Akatosh could do it himself or use an Aedra, is just begging for disaster and a massive conflict of interest.

And the insano twins are allowed to pick the Dragonborn! This is canon-breaking because the Dragonborn is born with the soul of a dragon, hence the name. It’s something that lies dormant within them until they eat the soul of another dragon to awaken their latent power. Okay, so in this universe the Dovahkiin is Dovah’d on the spot, alright.

Akatosh. Buddy. I’m going to ask you one simple question, ahem, *HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND*

You, in your omnipotent dragon-ness, decided that the prince of whores and hedonists and the prince of insanity were the PERFECT people to choose the savior of Tamriel?!?!? Don’t get me wrong, there’s no reason a prostitute can’t become a heroic dragonslaying badass and save the world, I’m all for equal opportunity, but when *spoiler* they go universe-hopping to find a Dovahkiin, what’s stopping them from summoning Marquis De Sade from his unhallowed grave and making him the Dragonborn!

He invented Sadism, was hugely into hedonism, and he was a raging psychopath! Perfect candidate, maybe a little more fitting of Molag Bal but whatevs. The Daedra would be super happy to endow him with godly power and set him lose to spread the madness/hedonism! That isn’t what happens of course, but it very well could have.

Yes, Sanguine and Sheogorath are super chill and hilarious, and their questlines are rife with lighthearted shenanigans, but they are still Daedra Lords, there’s a reason the Aedra don’t mingle with them very much.

With Sheogorath alone, at least one entire kingdom was irreversibly infested with madness that killed the royal family because the King wasn’t a fan of the arts and thought they were unwholesome pursuits.

Let that sink in. The king was too prude so Sheogorath made most of the population and the king’s son clinically insane. The king’s clinically insane son killed his father than lead the insane kingdom down a rabbithole of crazy antics until the king’s son killed himself due to his delusions, and ever since then there’s a good chance anyone born in this kingdom will be a great artist or a total loon.

We are three sentences in and I can already say with extreme certainty that idiot logic and rule of cool is going to DOMINATE this fic with minimal consideration for common sense or the lore.

Heresy Counter: 5

That should do it for now.

Of course they had guidelines from both parties. He, or she, had to be an all around badass, but fun and slightly insane. They had to be someone who would willingly defeat Alduin, the reason for their compliance is irrelevant. Naturally, Sam wanted an adventurous individual to keep him entertained. With these conditions, Sam set out to find one who fit the bill.

High as shit Akatosh: “Yoooo brah, u can du wat u want ya’ dig. They just gotta beat up muh big meenie Eldess Sun Alduin Devourer o Weeeeeeeeed, yeh?”

Sanguine: “Hmm I think I’ll find an edgy party girl!”

High as shit Akatosh: “Hahaha! Sammy G bby bring ‘er in n’we can all hit dat THC together it’ll be rlly poppin, yeh?”

Sheogorath: My work here is done, and a merry cheese for everyone! -rains laughing cheese wheels-

Unfortunately for them, no one of the sort existed in Nirn. So, with a little help from Sheo, Sam went looking a couple of dimensions over. After a thorough search, he found the perfect one, though he might have been swayed by more than just her badassery. He stopped in a dark mortal pub, in which an older gentleman was trying his best to woo the sultry maiden.

I would say Sheogorath has nothing to do with dimension hopping in-canon, but considering you hold a tea party with Pelagius the Mad and Sheogorath inside the former’s rotten hip-bone and fix the king’s brain by Wabbajacking the wolf queen’s corrupting influence into sultry maidens and wolves, this isn’t the least probable thing he’s done with his powers, especially since he used to have neat-freak Sauron, destroyer of worlds, trapped within his soul until you beat the crazy out of him.

What? It makes sense in context.

But while there isn’t any heresy on that front, you’re telling me there was no-one in the entirety of the universe of Elder Scrolls that fit your standards but this one girl you found on Earth is just perfect with no description whatsoever other than “badass” and “sultry”. My Suedar is tingling.

The gentleman slid from the booth and headed towards the restrooms. Seeing his chance, Sam strutted over to the woman and slid in next to her.

Okay, this is really bothering me. The narration keeps calling Sanguine “Sam”, referring to “Sam Guevenne”, his human disguise during the quest “A Night to Remember”. This is canon, but the thing is Sanguine has only been addressed by his proper name once at the start. Every single other time, even when he was talking to Akatosh and Sheogorath off-screen, he’s called Sam.

Author, is he in human form all the time, even in Oblivion, or are you just too fucking lazy to spell out “Sanguine” because something as trivial as a proper noun is too much work?

Heresy Counter: 6

She quirked an elegant eyebrow at him and leaned back in her seat to sip generously on her blood red wine.

…I feel like we’ve been swept into another fic entirely because the prose was not written in that tone a second ago. It’s almost like the author started giving a shit about adding details and body language when the Main Character was on-screen. –Suedar gets louder-

She was obviously a unique and playful individual. All one had to see was her long, pale pink locks falling straight down her back and her mischievous, cat-like green eyes. She wore a white t-shirt cut into a crop top, giving a wonderful view of the emerald belly-button ring she wore, and a form-fitting, black leather jacket over it. Sam could, and did, trace every curve of her leather clad legs, ever so pleased with the tight material. The woman crossed her legs, knocking her combat boots against the leather seat, and set down her drink in favor of looking over Sam appreciatively.

-Hosen rubs his head as the Suedar reaches deafening volumes- Noooooise! *Mutes* There’s no doubt at this point. We’ve got the generic descriptors. We’ve got the Thesaurus snuck under the radar to make the character look more intellectual. We’ve got the absurdly over the top Animu character design (and I love Anime). We’ve got a god ogling her three seconds after meeting her. This is a classic, bona fide Mary Sue.

Sam rested an arm behind the beauty and ran his other hand through his chestnut hair.

“Get your hands off me you pervert! I have no idea who you are or where you came from and you’re already drooling on my shoulder.”

He picked a devilishly handsome young vessel in order to attract his chosen candidate. Before choosing her for certain, he should make sure she is good enough to be his champion. The best way to do that was to see for himself right? He wasn’t the Prince of Debauchery for nothing.

*rubs temples* Let me get this straight, Sanguine.

You’re going to measure her usefulness in being the Dragonborn, which means fighting dragons- Dragons, which are demigods in your universe- by the quality of the skeevy one-night-stand you’re going to have with her?

Don’t mind me, I’m just a nerd with too much time on his hands. You’re the god here. But aside from power-leveling stamina, how do those skills translate to combat even remotely!? What if she administers the most mindblowing sex of your life, but it turns out she’s allergic to everything with asthma and a crippling fear of reptiles, resulting in her dying three seconds after entering Tamriel? Hmm?

I think your vetting process could stand to be a little more fucking thorough.

I was going to save this for the Riff of my old novel (if I ever get the courage to do it), but I think here, this counter is more than a little warranted. -Places prototype high-capacity counter by the Heresy-

Let’s see: Akatosh summoning Daedra to protect the Dragonborn from Daedra *ding* those Daedra being exceptionally untrustworthy candidates *ding* and Sanguine measuring Kitty Sue’s ability to solve Tamriel’s issues by her lovemaking skills because Sanguine is only permitted one character trait and one only *ding*

Everyone in the Universe is a Fucking Idiot: 3

“I believe that seat was taken,” she said in a hot accent, which somewhere between French and Russian.

Fun Fact: she’s a citizen of France who spent some time in Russia, meaning she should have NO accent and be speaking fluent French right now. It’s not like there’s a reason for her to be speaking English at all as they are presumably in France, though the Formless Void flows strong here so who the fuck knows.

Here in Badficland, everyone on the planet is an English-speaker with an obnoxious accent and other languages don’t exist.

Sam smirked. She sounded delicious.

Have at ‘em, Bats. My Riffs are enough of a flaming clusterfuck I doubt anyone will notice.

He voice came out a rumble,”Perhaps, but he wasn’t getting very far now was he?”

He could tell he caught her attention when she leaned closer and said teasingly, in an almost whisper, “And you think you can do better, is that right?”

Sanguine, trust me when I say this, because I care about your safety: Do not. Ever. Ever. Tempt a Sue’s ego. You have no idea what you’re getting into.

And now, ladies and gentlemen and assorted aberrations, I present to you.

Shameless wanking.

Sam was a pro at seducing women, but this lass was a wild card. It was like trying to seduce a cross of himself and Sheogorath. Born in France, became the worlds greatest thief at age 9, then proceeded to jump from country to country, stealing hearts and diamonds alike. When that got to boring, she headed to Russia to challenge the best hunters, shooting a bow with untold accuracy from the ground, in a tree, and on horseback. After getting tired of that, she earned the title of craziest hit man, or woman, alive, killing her victims in the most interesting and amusing ways. His favorite was when she killed a cartoon animator by dropping an anvil on his head. Classic. Any challenge given to her, whether it was serious, like steal the Mona Lisa, or completely ridiculous, like break in to the Buckingham Palace to chill in the Queen’s tea room, It was met.

…Fucking… wow. After all the shit I’ve read here in the Library, it takes a lot to truly blow my mind, but this fic found a way. There is no point in trying to break this down or apply logic because it’s so unabashedly absurd for Kitty Sue to have accomplished any of this the sue-pidity explains itself. Yet for how much is just wrong with this whole thing, she’s so generic and trope-addled I’d just say things I’ve said a thousand times before anyway.

Actually, there is one, one thing that I haven’t seen before, that’s haunted me ever since I read this, because it’s a minor detail so bizarre and against all logic I just have to ask… why?

Any challenge given to her, whether it was serious, like steal the Mona Lisa, or completely ridiculous, like break in to the Buckingham Palace to chill in the Queen’s tea room, It was met.

Who in their right mind- NO, no-one’s in their right mind in this piece of shit, not one single person!

Everyone in the Universe is a Fucking Idiot: 4

What idiot would pay someone to burglarize a residence just to put up a chair and chillax??? That’s like paying a thief to steal ten tickets to Disneyworld… then telling the thief the use those tickets for himself and his family! Specifically! The “have an amazing fucking day at Disneyworld” part is compulsory!

That isn’t “Ridiculous”, that’s utterly devoid of even the faintest semblance of a rational motivation! Where’s the prequel about the guy who paid her for that job?

Someone, help me understand! Individuals around here, who shan’t be named, are thieves so thievey they’ve stolen moons and latitudes, so surely one of you has some semblance of an experience that might possibly give me an idea the fuck was going through this man’s mind!

Due to her mild insanity, he could only make a guestimate at how she will react to his plays.

Her insanity is as mild as Monocle’s speaking voice is subtle.

He showed her no falter, though inside he was hoping he was right.

Right about? Right about what? Tell me. Tell me what you were hoping to be right about Sammy, d0 1t. Fuck1nG D0 17 Y0v G0dD@m^-

::CPU Overheating Detected. This unit will shut down to prevent damage::

-Abrelepine peeks in from the SDQF after sensing a sharp drop in psychic energy, stepping in fully with a nice cup of coffee-

Abrelepine: *sigh* Vapid stupidity is your bane, yet you keep doing this to yourself.

*exhausted moan*

-Abrelepine tucks Hosen in and wheels him from the desk, taking his place and putting up his feet-

Abrelepine: You’re all here and this chapter is nearly finished, I shall complete it.

“I know I can do better, because, you see,” Sam paused and pulled closer, brushing his lips against her ear and lower his voice to a deep, husky tone, “you don’t want to be charmed. You want a nice, long tussle in the sheets.”

Abrelepine: This sudden and from behind romance is very sudden and from directly behind, which is where you intend to go with Kitty Sue’s name still unknown and only a couple sentences uttered between you two. Everyone wishes to be charmed by their lover, it’s just a matter of what one finds charming; some enjoy an expensive candlelit dinner by the shore to get acquainted, others are heated by light strangulation whilst being called “whore” to their face. This is a Badfic so she will miraculously not be offended by his crude advances, which make no attempt to learn information as basic as name and safeword.

He could feel her warm, porcelain skin, so close, and her presence was so strong could almost taste her. An electric like spark spread over his skin in excitement. He couldn’t wait to have her, and as a shiver traveled through the object of his desire, he knew he wouldn’t have to. Sam inhaled slightly in the crook of her neck, his temperature rising further at her succulent scent. “So how about you tell me where you’re staying, and I escort you to your bed.”

Abrelepine: As the denizen of a fantasy universe myself, I’m informing you that if your partner is aroused by your scent and nuzzling close to your throat, it would be highly advisable to carry a sanctified dagger on your person and see if their eyes glow lightly in the dark.

She let out a breathy chuckle as her fingers traced down the buttons on his white button-up shirt. “You’re a bold one. I like that. You can follow me home, if you’d like.”

Abrelepine: You are far past the point of wondering if he wants in your panties, honey.

Suddenly, she pulled away from him and stood, gliding across the floor to the exit, hips swaying temptingly. Sam, sporting a wicked grin, trailed after her.

Abrelepine: Now Kitty Sue is defying gravity, lovely. You don’t need to be a master polymath and psychic to know the poorly written smut is next chapter, as the author already spoiled it. I place minimal faith in its ability to entertain me or all but the most desperate and vacuous of reader. With that, I’ll leave off on this highly insightful and intelligent review to this… story, from user “Guest”:

:)

That is the bar this fic has set.

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46 Comments on “1830: Succubus – Chapter One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    All one had to see was her long, pale pink locks falling straight down her back and her mischievous, cat-like green eyes. She wore a white t-shirt cut into a crop top, giving a wonderful view of the emerald belly-button ring she wore, and a form-fitting, black leather jacket over it. Sam could, and did, trace every curve of her leather clad legs, ever so pleased with the tight material. The woman crossed her legs, knocking her combat boots against the leather seat, and set down her drink in favor of looking over Sam appreciatively.

    *AdmiralSakai chucks a small Oscar statuette with a foot-long spiked Mohawk, ripped jeans, granny glasses and multiple piercings into the ‘fic in the general direction of the Sue.*

    Ma’am? Here’s your Golden Punk Award for meritorious achievement in Trying Too Hard.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    I think your vetting process could stand to be a little more fucking thorough.

    … Probably not the best choice of words, given the circumstances.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    a hot accent, which somewhere between French and Russian.

    *pulls up Google Maps*

    So… Slovakian?

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Sam was a pro at seducing women

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    her warm, porcelain skin

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    With that, I’ll leave off on this highly insightful and intelligent review to this… story, from user “Guest”:

    :)

    8|

  7. BatJamags says:

    If anyone wants to request certain characters you would like to be involved in the “heated” scenes, I will certainly take them into consideration. Though keep in mind, I will be following the main quest line first, with a couple of side objectives, so I won’t drop my character in Windhelm right off the bat to get it on with Ulfric Stormcloak.

    So, this fic only exists so the author can write sex scenes, but only where they don’t get in the way of the blatant plot regurgitation.

    I wish I could be surprised, but that would involve this being a novel concept.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      I don’t know what this guy was going for honestly. On the surface, it’s just fap material, but then he tries to actually follow the questline and he seems extremely shy about actual adult content, which makes me think this is a fairly young author.

      I think part of why he’s asking for ideas is he either has none or isn’t very confident… which is very warranted because while mostly harmless, this Badfic is ungodly stupid.

  8. BatJamags says:

    This is Sheogorath, DAEDRIC PRINCE of Insanity, creativity, and mad genius.

    Well damn, he sounds like my kind of guy.

  9. BatJamags says:

    High as shit Akatosh:

  10. BatJamags says:

    She quirked an elegant eyebrow at him and leaned back in her seat to sip generously on her blood red wine.

    It’s really more blood purple if you ask me.

    Pft, maybe it’s grape juice. Or jelly. Is she going to put jelly on that hot god? Just how HIGH do you even have to BE just to-

    *Tranquilized*

    GoodJamags: That’s enough.

  11. BatJamags says:

    She was obviously a unique and playful individual.

    Doubt.

    All one had to see was her long, pale pink locks falling straight down her back and her mischievous, cat-like green eyes.

    So she dyed her hair pink and has green eyes? How… playful?

    She wore a white t-shirt cut into a crop top, giving a wonderful view of the emerald belly-button ring she wore, and a form-fitting, black leather jacket over it.

    So… the ring is emerald. If you mean it’s a piercing, say that. Also, methinks you don’t quite understand how jackets work. If it’s form-fitting, that means it’s probably closed, which means how the hell can you see the shirt? If it’s not closed, then what fell sorcery is causing it to hug her figure closely enough to be called form-fitting?

    Sam could, and did, trace every curve of her leather clad legs, ever so pleased with the tight material.

    Aren’t they sitting at a table? How can he see her legs?

    The woman crossed her legs, knocking her combat boots against the leather seat, and set down her drink in favor of looking over Sam appreciatively.

    And what is your damned obsession with leather? I mean, I have a leather jacket that I love dearly and I think it’s a cool-looking material, but come on! This is a little much, don’t you think?

    • Leider Hosen says:

      I have a very, very strong suspicion this guy is heavily into animu Skyrim mods, where character designs like this are pretty common. He’s also trying really, really hard to pile on the fetish fuel, because that’s all this “girl” is: a walking bundle of fetishes created solely to wank over… only the author can’t even do that right because it’s painfully obvious he lacks the confidence and experience to create something even remotely of value.

  12. BatJamags says:

    You’re going to measure her usefulness in being the Dragonborn, which means fighting dragons- Dragons, which are demigods in your universe- by the quality of the skeevy one-night-stand you’re going to have with her?

    Well, I suppose you could stand a chance of killing a White Dragon Wyrmling at Level 1, but you’d need to be at least Level 2 to tackle anything tougher than that-

    *Looks down at Dungeon Master’s Guide and Monster Manual*

    I think I’m in the wrong RPG.

  13. BatJamags says:

    Sanguine is only permitted one character trait and one only

    *Alarms blare*

    See, I don’t know how everyone else always manages to fight these guys off! For a while, I tried to set up traps and stuff, but it never wor-

    *Headshotted in the head*

    GoodJamags: Have you tried not sucking? That’s worked wonders for me.

    • agigabyte says:

      Goddess: That’s terrible advice. Don’t listen to him, Bats. *Hides camera behind her back, and holds out a piece of paper and a pen* On an unrelated note, could you sign this form?

      • BatJamags says:

        I’m a magnet for overly violent slapstick, not a gullible idiot.

        GoodJamags: That second part’s debatable.

  14. BatJamags says:

    “I believe that seat was taken,” she said in a hot accent, which somewhere between French and Russian.

    Goddamn it, author, don’t tell me the accent’s hot, describe it to me and let me draw that conclusion for myself!

    Also, this character gets more tryhardy by the second. Not only does the author give her a “sexy” accent, but he gives her two. At once.

    Having spoken to a lot of French people and at least one Russian, I can say that neither accent is anything all that special. French people have this weird high-pitched cadence to their voices that sounds kind of awkward in English. The Russian guy had a really thick accent, complete with pronouncing his Vs as Ws. Dudes don’t really do it for me in general, but I’d surmise that that accent is not exactly the epitome of “hotness” either. My point here is that voice and tone are worth a lot more than accent. The accents themselves being “sexy” is basically just Hollywood trying to convince you that’s the case.

    • Jon Arbuckle says:

      “…neither accent is anything all that special,”

      One listen to the sexiest man in history and you will be proven wrong.

    • GhostCat says:

      As someone with a fully acknowledged voice fetish, I can say that for me it is less about a person’s accent and more about the pitch and tone of their voice. Even the speed of someone’s speech can affect how “sexy” they sound more than their accent; the same person can sound much sexier if they just pitch their voice a little lower than their regular speaking voice and talk a little slower.

  15. BatJamags says:

    Sam smirked. She sounded delicious.

    Have at ‘em, Bats. My Riffs are enough of a flaming clusterfuck I doubt anyone will notice.

    You’re thinking of Taco*, but I won’t pass up an opportunity to throttle a badfic character.

    *Does so*

    *It’s the constant fucking blushing in romance fics that sets me off – nobody actually blushes that much, and it’s almost always used as an effort-free substitute for developing any kind of actual relationship between characters.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      Oops, how did I manage to vividly misremember such an easy thing to remember correctly? I’ll just ding myself then

      Hosen is Stoopid Counter: 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999^Infinity

      Should really reset that thing but… nah.

      • BatJamags says:

        No worries. It’s just more evidence that we recycle the same gags over and over again ’round these parts.

  16. BatJamags says:

    Sam was a pro at seducing women, but this lass was a wild card.

    So we’ve been told.

    It was like trying to seduce a cross of himself and Sheogorath.

    Is it, though?

    Born in France,

    Presumably the French part of France, is that right? Which is to say, possibly not Alsace-Lorraine, depending on whether you’re French, German, or don’t give a shit.

    Seriously, though, just pick a town. Marseilles? Nice? Cannes? Caen? Hell, you could be boring and go with Paris, and I wouldn’t really fault you for it.

    became the worlds greatest thief at age 9,

    I think my Sue Detector just exploded.

    then proceeded to jump from country to country, stealing hearts and diamonds alike.

    Yeah, and leaving a convenient trail of disgruntled exes for Interpol or whoever to follow. Lady, I’m not buying your pseudo-swashbuckling routine for a minute.

    When that got to boring,

    Good grammar must’ve gotten too boring as well.

    she headed to Russia to challenge the best hunters, shooting a bow with untold accuracy from the ground, in a tree, and on horseback.

    Oh, so she just masters a very difficult skill (archery from horseback) within the span of a few years because (misspelled that as “becasue,” which is also accurate) she feels like it. How convenient, given the fact that she’s about to be taken somewhere where archery is actually a relevant skill.

    After getting tired of that, she earned the title of craziest hit man, or woman, alive, killing her victims in the most interesting and amusing ways.

    Serial killers are hilarious, aren’t they?

    His favorite was when she killed a cartoon animator by dropping an anvil on his head. Classic.

    That was interesting in Who Framed Roger Rabbit because it reminds us that the wacky shit cartoon characters can do would actually be really dangerous to humans. Here, it’s supposed to be funny but is really just kind of gruesome and makes the Sue look like a horrible person.

    Any challenge given to her, whether it was serious, like steal the Mona Lisa, or completely ridiculous, like break in to the Buckingham Palace to chill in the Queen’s tea room, It was met.

    I’m pretty sure the Mona Lisa has been stolen a bunch of times. And what would even be the point of breaking into what is presumably one of the best-secured buildings in the world to “chill” in a tea room? Bragging rights? Who would you even brag to without getting arrested?

    Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think we’ve got a shoe-in for Biggest Mary Sue at the Sucktastic Awards.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      All that and more. Honestly, I had neither the fortitude nor patience to break down and analyze every little part of how stupid this all is, but I can say “trying hard” is the understatement of the millennium.

      And yes, based on the other fic he’s written (which I will similarly dismantle for your amusement) he’s into “bad girls” and she’s supposed to have a little bit of a villainous streak.

      Here’s the thing; while it is possible to have an insane character that’s murderous but also a bit of a free spirit, this author seems to think “insane” is synonymous with “silly and random”, when that isn’t the case. Insanity is an extremely multifaceted and diverse condition. You can be insane in many, many ways, but from what I can tell she isn’t mad, she’s just a dick.

      And you bring up another important point: being a famous thief is completely counter-intuitive. I do have one of those in my novel, but she acts through a shape-shifting doppelganger and part of her power is the ability to absolutely conceal herself from her enemies. Plus you know, she works for the government. She’s the in-universe equivalent to Black Ops who is also a mage, which gives her certain liberties unavailable to the average person.

      Kitty Sue though? If everyone knows who she is and she’s done that many exploits, she should be the center of an international manhunt, likely with “kill on sight” listed somewhere. Sure she’d be rich, but she couldn’t go within 500 miles of any populated area or someone would snap a picture of her on their phone and within 48hrs the police would be smashing down the door to her remote mountain cabin.

      This is the 21st century, being a pro criminal and openly so is impossible nowadays due to advances in technology that would make it nigh impossible to get away with anything for longer than a couple weeks unless you bury yourself in a hole in the middle of nowhere.

      • BatJamags says:

        Here’s the thing; while it is possible to have an insane character that’s murderous but also a bit of a free spirit, this author seems to think “insane” is synonymous with “silly and random”, when that isn’t the case.

        Yeah, I’ve seen characters who are funny, somewhat murderous (or at least have a history of doing really nasty things), and still heroic. There are a few ways to pull it off. Deadpool, for example, is a great character, because the joke is not just that he’s lolquirky and a free spirit, it’s the fact of how messed up he is. Alternatively, you could have a character who’s some kind of berserker or has a split personality or something and derive humor from the juxtaposition of a scarier and a more benign personality. Alternatively alternatively, a little bit of character development goes a long way to make someone who was really nasty at one point a lot more sympathetic. I could go on.

        To make a long story short, you kind of have to acknowledge that they’re a bad person somehow. Glorifying the violence itself as being funny is just disturbing.

    • GhostCat says:

      I’m pretty sure the Mona Lisa has been stolen a bunch of times.

      While she’s been attacked twice, once with acid and once with a rock, La Gioconda (or Mona Lisa) has been stolen only once – in 1911 by an Italian named Vincenzo Peruggia. Vinnie was a painter working on some renovations in the Louvre and one day he simply took La Gioconda off the wall, hid her in a broom closet, and then walked out at the end of his shift with her under his coat. It’s a bit ballsy when you think about it, especially since she’s painted on a wooden panel so he couldn’t just remove her from the frame and roll her up. Oddly enough the painting wasn’t all that popular outside the art world before the theft, but once she was stolen she really entered mainstream culture.

  17. BatJamags says:

    Due to her mild insanity, he could only make a guestimate at how she will react to his plays.

    Let’s ignore for a second the fact that “guestimate” is not a real word and needs to die in a fire.

    The “estimate” half of the portmanteau refers to an educated guess on a quantitative subject. You cannot estimate something qualitative, like a person’s behavior. That would be like calculating a work of art: a completely illogical turn of phrase on its face.

  18. BatJamags says:

    Abrelepine: As the denizen of a fantasy universe myself, I’m informing you that if your partner is aroused by your scent and nuzzling close to your throat, it would be highly advisable to carry a sanctified dagger on your person and see if their eyes glow lightly in the dark.

    Kane: I concur. I’ve encountered a few individuals who’ve attempted this on me. I was profoundly and somewhat violently unimpressed. Frankly, there are much easier ways for the creatures that use these tactics to feed. It just requires some creativity. Perhaps they could learn magic, and destroy their targets’ mind. Alternatively, there are a wide variety of significantly subtler reasons to be alone in a room with someone. Indeed, the utilization of varied tactics is quite helpful for avoiding the intervention of meddlesome paladins and inquisitors.

    Great, now you’ve got him ranting about creepy things again.

    Suddenly, she pulled away from him and stood, gliding across the floor to the exit,

    Kane: I know a few exorcists I can contact about this one. Most of them have been reduced to gibbering insanity (I did warn them that the forces influencing me are not fiendish in origin, but did they listen? Doubtful.), but some might be able to resolve this situation.

    Yeah, I’ll just leave you to that.

  19. agigabyte says:

    49th Circle of Super Hell, where all the Badfic characters go when their fic dies.

    Cain: Could you ask Tim if he’s seen Garfield down there? His fic recently came back, so I’m a but worried.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      I dunno if I can get confirmation, reception down there’s pretty shitty and English is a rare and misunderstood language among it’s denizens (the standard is whatever you call Badfic talk)

      If his fic did return, Garfield will probably return as well once he gets his papers signed off. I wouldn’t worry too much for now, however. Between the rampant illiteracy and convoluted sentence and paragraph formatting, plus all the fire everywhere, it’s unlikely he’ll be able to escape anytime soon.

      That’s what you get when Enoby is your supreme ruler and insists on composing all your paperwork.

  20. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    I mean yeah, Skyrim has some fucked up things in it, but it’s kept relatively tasteful and the majority of the really disturbing stuff is off-screen in the lore and not really described in detail.

    Come on, there’s no need to tiptoe around it

  21. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    So I guess this was Jarl Baalgruuf when he was a little girl in France?

  22. TacoMagic says:

    The Aedra are the “good” gods that caused life and the universe to be a thing

    Though many considered this to be a bad move…

  23. TacoMagic says:

    Sam was a pro at seducing women, but this lass was a wild card. It was like trying to seduce a cross of himself and Sheogorath. Born in France, became the worlds greatest thief at age 9, then proceeded to jump from country to country, stealing hearts and diamonds alike. When that got to boring, she headed to Russia to challenge the best hunters, shooting a bow with untold accuracy from the ground, in a tree, and on horseback. After getting tired of that, she earned the title of craziest hit man, or woman, alive, killing her victims in the most interesting and amusing ways. His favorite was when she killed a cartoon animator by dropping an anvil on his head. Classic. Any challenge given to her, whether it was serious, like steal the Mona Lisa, or completely ridiculous, like break in to the Buckingham Palace to chill in the Queen’s tea room, It was met.

    *Marcus leans into the room and flips the fic off*

    Look, dude, it was only a matter of time before something out Sued you.

    • agigabyte says:

      Goddess: I hadn’t out-Sued him already? This is an outrage! *Storms off to go try and break the fourth wall so she can make agig turn her into more of a Sue, or something equally as unfeasible and ridiculous*

      • TacoMagic says:

        You were close, but Markus has admin rights to the forum on top of being ridiculous.

        • agigabyte says:

          Goddess: But I’m a literal goddess! I should be the most ridiculous Sue around!

          Cain: You’re not very a very important deity, though. You have, what? A single top-rate domain, and then low-tier Fleshly Delights and Greed domains?

          Goddess: WHAT?


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