1828: Out Of Darkness – OneshotPosted: August 9, 2017
Heyo, patrons! This week I have a wonderful crossover for you called Out of Darkness and it’s really, really bad. This wonderful little fic crosses the confusing and obtuse world of Final Fantasy VII with the obtuse and confusing world of Resident Evil in way that’s just… bad. Really, really bad.
How bad? Well, check out the summary.
With Time not on Leon’s side, he races to find a antibody cure for a soon to be victim to a new deadly virus to terrorists, someone who Leon is unawarely closer to, than he is lead to think (Read to find out)not sure if im gonna continue this… nobody is reviewing alot
I’ll just let that sink in while I go pour myself another cup of coffee.
*An eventually later*
Now, you all may be thinking, “Sure, Taco, that’s pretty bad, but this obviously isn’t a native English speaker.” Well, hypothetical voice of the patrons, you would be wrong. See, this particular fanfic writer also happens to have a Youtube channel. I won’t embarrass her by sharing it here, but know that she clearly speaks American English in the videos where she talks. She’s either a native speaker of English, or somebody who is absolutely fluent.
I’ll let that sink in as well.
*Taco takes a long sip of his coffee*
There’s so much awful going on in this summary that I can’t even begin to know where to dig into it, so instead I’m just going to separate out the worst bit and ignore the rest. The worst bit? This part:
not sure if im gonna continue this… nobody is reviewing alot
When the author comes right out of the gate and shows that they’re just writing for attention, you can be assured that what follows is an absolute train wreck. And that’s not even considering that, in this case, we started out with an absolute train wreck and we haven’t even gotten into the fic itself yet.
You all might want to grab beverage of choice right now because things are about to go very wrong for us all.
just came up with this story just now and I just had to do a story on it,
*The Alarm explodes in a shower of highly-technical looking parts that quickly catch fire and then explode again*
That’s probably for the best.
And that isn’t even the whole sentence.
I just came up with this story just now and I just had to do a story on it, after this chapter I will be doing a vid form of this story so be sure to visit my YouTube channel if you want to see it viewers!
Did I mention that acqua is writing this for attention? Cause, you know, she juuuuuust might be.
You’ll also notice that I’ve cut out the pertinent information for finding her youtube. You’re welcome.
Now remember to leave a review on what you think readers
Absolutely, check out below. You probably want to be sitting while you read this, acqua.
Anyway, onward into the fic!
-“Nothing good has ever happened to me…
Wait, hold that thought, I think we need some mood music to go with this.
I lost my parents to this strange smoke that came out of nowhere I caught only a whiff of it and I began feeling bad all the time.
Wow that’s ominously vague. I haven’t felt this worried since I read the opening of Heroes and Villains and suspected that Igor didn’t know what the hell she was doing.
It felt like my insides were being churned…. i don’t like this feeling…what is happening to me?” –
December 12, 2012 – Tall Oaks Boulevard 1:45am
Author, it’s a meme. I wasn’t actually looking for an answer.
It was night and dead silent, while a little boy was walking alone in the streets dragging a silver pole in his hand, he was wearing a long light shirt with black shorts and shoes, he had a slight tan to his skin and had light brown hair with deep blue eyes.
*Taco gasps for breath*
When will I ever learn to breath while reading sentences!?
he was walking very slowly, in a sickly matter looking at the ground in a daze slightly shifting to the side a few times, suddenly a low growl broke the silence, making the boy gasp and snapped his head up in fear, and that’s when he saw it.
Acqua, knock it off! The comma is not sentence duct tape!
*Taco peers around himself*
So, he saw “it” did he? Well, no-one can stop me now!
*Mauled by Raptors*
Not far from him was a human turned zombie as it slowly trudged toward the boy, he picked up the staff slowly as if it weighed a thousand pounds and pointed it at the approaching zombie
Lifting something “as if it weight a thousand pounds” huh? So he struggled with it as it lay motionless on the ground?
“Stay back!” the boy yelled in a weak voice as the pole in his hands shook, he let the pole drop to the ground with a loud clink while still having a hold of it the boy ran toward the zombie with the bits of strength that was left, he raised the metal pole and began beating the zombie he then impaled the zombie’s head with the pole and it died as the blood oozed everywhere, he clasped on his knees with his hands on the pole in exhaustion, panting heavily
*Taco walks in and pushes his suffocated corpse out of the chair*
Someday, I’ll learn.
So, he has trouble lifting the pole, yet has no issue shoving it through a skull? No, no, I’m sure that’s totally reasonable.
Also, why bother asking the zombie to stay away if you were just going to immediately bum-rush the thing? All yelling at it did was alert any other zombies nearby.
Less than a moment later he heard running footsteps and he looked to the side with fear in his eyes hoping it wasn’t a group of zombie’s coming to eat him,
It’s worth noting that in this canon, zombies don’t run. At least, not until the Las Plagas zombies, and those really aren’t zombies in the classical sense.
he did not have the strength to take them on any longer his pains that he had been getting ceased his energy so quickly
Um… wha? I mean, I can kinda get what you’re trying to say, but you’re delving into Marissa the Writer levels of incomprehensible.
And, before anyone asks, this is not a troll fic. I was dubious at first, but everything I’ve found about the author points to this fic being genuine.
then as the strangers came into the boys view
*Swenia wheels in the Portable Porno Music Synthesizer*
“You’re no fun.”
he saw a man in his mid 30’s and a woman in her 20’s approached him with guns pointed straight at him, he could hear the woman’s voice but only just barely as he struggled to stand up
“If I find myself a trajik Stu, I’m gonna shoot him! The season is open and I’m nowhere near the bag limit.”
“Is he one of them, Leon?” he heard her say then heard the man’s voice as he shook his head and lowered his gun
“I don’t think so, but he doesn’t look well”
I’m surprised that I’m disappointed here. Acqua can’t get the basics of grammatical structure right, so I had no business expecting that she wouldn’t totally fuck up dialogue formatting as well.
The boy then felt pain in his head and he started to whimper and groan in pain, he put both of his hands on his forehead and clasped to his knees
I… wha? The hell did he just do? Did he just slam his forehead into his knees? Man, that must have hurt his hands!
You know, he’d be in significantly less pain if he would just stop doing stuff like that.
he looked up at the two people, reaching one of his hands out to them seeing that his forehead was now dripping with some sort of black infection
You probably shouldn’t touch that hand, look at all the goo that just squirted out of it onto his forehead!
“Help….me” he managed to say before fainting on the ground from the pain.
Really doesn’t have the same eloquence as: “Itchy. Tasty.”
Leon approached the boy as well as Helena and took a good look at him, seeing the black infection Leon frowned his eye brows
Leon, what have I told you about putting those fake eyebrows on your mouth!?
At least the inclusion of Helena here tells us that this fic is based in Resident Evil 6.
“What is this?” he asked to himself
You’re surrounded by a zombie outbreak caused by a rampant virus, and now you have a boy in front of you dying while oozing black goo. Maybe, just maybe, you could put together an educated guess.
“It seems he’s suffering from something…” she said softly, as she kneeled down on her feet and felt the boys wrist feeling a slow pulse
To be fair to Helena here, the T-virus has much different symptoms than what his kid is displaying, so it really is a valid question as to what is killing him. It doesn’t really fit any of the established Umbrella/Tricell experiments either, so this would have to be something new.
Though I’ll also say that touching the wrist somebody who’s oozing black goo all over their hands is probably not the smartest thing Helena has ever done.
“He’s alive” she said looking at Leon “he’s just a child, Leon…What do you want to do?”
“Well we can’t leave him here, we’ll take him to Adam, see what he can do for him” With a nod from Helena
This seems like a really, really terrible idea. Which is why I’m sure that nothing bad will come of it. Never change, fanfiction.
“Your right, lets get the hell out of here”
*Looks to his right and only sees Crunchy juggling squirrels*
Must be somebody else’s right that Leon was talking about.
And with that, Leon carried the boy up in his arms and they both ran back to where they came from
So wait, Leon and the boy already know each other and are from the same place?
The less said about Leon secretly living with a boy, the better.
while running Leon looked down at the pained faced boy as he laid unconscious in his arms
Even though it’s the wrong spelling, I can’t but help picture the kid with a window for a face.
“Hang in there, kid”
After everything else that you screw up, acqua, the spelling, the bad tense, the comma misuse, incorrect dialogue formatting, incorrect dialogue attribution, the run-on sentences, the spotty capitalization, and so on; after all that, you correctly use the comma of address.
What the actual fuck?
After a few blocks of running, they got to Adams luxury apartment, Leon knocked on the door and moments later came out an aged man with a suit on when he caught sight of the boy he glanced at Leon and Helena
Like that! You correctly use the comma of address, then vomit that mass of garbage out on the page. How? How do you have that one nuance of grammar correct but almost nothing else?
“What happened?” he asked and Leon shook his head
“Were not exactly sure, sir” and Helena spoke up
I’m suddenly getting untold zombie chronicels flashbacks.
“We just found this boy, and he has some kind of infection but not the one that was released” she said as she gently lifted up the boys bangs for the senate to see the black substance on his forehead, Adam put his hand on his chin and thought
So the divergent symptoms did turn out to be is a valid plot point, that’s the fist semi-competant thing you’ve done Acqua. Well, second if we count the comma of address, but I’m still willing to count it as an anomaly.
I still question the wisdom of having such direct and prolonged exposure to something that could be a new biological weapon.
“It’s not like anything I’ve seen before, take him inside” he said as he moved away from the entrance for them to go through, Leon laid him on the couch nearby
Hold up, why did Leon just lay Adam on the couch?
*Swenia starts to roll the PPMS back into the room*
If you start that thing up, I’ll make sure all of Jiwe’s toys have fresh batteries.
*Swenia quickly rolls the PPMS out of the room*
and went to talk to Adam while Helena stood to watch him
Helena, stop staring at Adam while he’s talking to Leon while laying on the couch. It’s creepy as hell.
she examined the boy and noticed in his face a familiar sight
Black goo? I mean, sure, she’s already seen it a few times, but I wouldn’t think she’d remark on it now.
“Huh? You look just like…” she stopped when she saw the boys eyes start to open; Helena rushed into the room for Leon
I’ll say, so far as reveal fake-outs go, that wasn’t the worst I’ve ever seen. At least in this case it was a legitimate interruption and not just a dramatically placed scene break.
It’s really weird that acqua seemed to know a couple little nuggets of writing, but then sank those under a barge filled with shit.
“The boy, he’s awake” Helena said with relief in her voice, and both Leon and Adam followed her into the living room,
In a universe where dead bodies can just get up and try to eat you, I’m not so sure the boy waking up is necessarily a good sign all on its own.
to see the boy sitting up and catching their eyes,
“You never expressly forbid me from throwing my eye collection cast-offs into your fics.”
he became uneasy and covered half his face with the blanket he found
Uh, acqua, you do know that you can actually go back and write things into your stories and then use them later as object continuity. You shouldn’t have your characters just suddenly find the things they need right as they need them.
“It’s alright, we’re not going to hurt you” Helena said softly
“…who are you people?” he asked in a weak voice
We get it. The boy is super sick and pathetic. Except when he needs to skewer a punk-bitch with his mighty silver rod.
Dammit. Okay, you might as well bring it in.
*Swenia wheels in the PPMS and turns it on*
“I’m agent Helena, this is agent Leon and senate Adam” she answered as she approached him with Leon behind her “can you tell me your name?”
Dude, Adam is an entire senate!?
The boy lowered the blanket from his face feeling slightly at ease and answered the lady
“What were you doing outside so late? Where are your parents?” Leon spoke up
You’re in a city with a demonstrable zombie problem, and your first concern is what Denzel’s doing up past bedtime? Priorities, Leon!
Denzel shifted his head slightly a bit exhaling and pulling his legs up to his chest as he answered “Their…dead…”
Well? What about their dead? Did they bring them out? Were they not dead yet? WHAT!? I can’t handle the suspense!
he started as he started to cry “the smoke…killed them…zombies”
Well, you killed that one zombie, but I suppose it’s possible that the smoke killed them other zombies.
he finished as he leaned his head down on his knees and sobbed, Leon sat on the couch with Denzel and patted his head gently
Yeah, patting their head usually calms kids down. Totally. Good job, Leon.
On the one hand, I’m positive this was written by somebody without much experience with children. On the other, it’s quite possible that Leon actually is this bad with children. It’s one of those things that never really came up much in the games.
“I’m sorry” he said solemnly and Denzel nodded his head slightly from his arms
“Could you tell us your parents names, Denzel?” Adam asked in a soft voice, Denzel answered him in a tearful voice
The heck good is that going to do right now? You’re in the middle of a city large enough to have luxury apartments and a senate, there’s little-to-no chance you’d recognize his parents. And even if you did, there’s more pressing matters right now. Like the zombie apocalypse.
“Abel…was my dad and Chloe was…my mom”
And it’s even less helpful when you don’t include last names. You’re all useless!
Helena eyes glanced at Adam and he gave her a knowing look as he knew what she was thinking
Helena, keep better control of your eyes, and, Adam, nobody wants your knowing look, so keep it to yourself. I will drive this fic off the nearest cliff if you all can’t behave yourselves!
they both glanced at Leon then Denzel, Adam nudged Helena’s arms to follow him into his office down the hall to leave Leon and Denzel alone, as they got to the room, she closed the door and Adam sat at his chair and placed his hand on his forehead
Don’t put your hand on your forehead! The last time somebody did that they ended up with goo everywhere!
“Keep your voice down, Helena I cannot risk Leon hearing any of what we are about to say” Adam said
If he did, the plot might happen, something we must prevent at all costs!
“I can’t believe this” she said as she approached his desk “Their dead…”
weren’t on the curb when I drove the wagon by. The nerve of them making me wait!
“What a terrible loss…” Adam said rubbing his forehead slowly “Those two were assigned to protect that child as his adopted father and mother, now with them gone, and Denzel infected, he is in grave danger”
So it turns out they knew who he was all along? What kind of folded-in bullshittery is this!? See, this is what happens when you throw shit together when you “come up with the story just now.” Just because you have an idea that you like doesn’t mean that whatever word vomit you splash on the page will make any damn sense. Now some people can write perfectly well without an outline to keep them on track and help with continuity, but you definitely aren’t one of them, acqua.
“Danger?” she asked and Adam nodded his head as he looked at Helena with a serious knowing look
We left him in the room alone with Leon. That was a bad move on our part.
“It’s also because Denzel is Leon’s…Son”
“His son?” she said in a soft voice Adam nodded his head “that’s right”
I’m not sure how, but the formatting is deteriorating. That feels akin to finding the wreck of the Titanic, and then sinking it.
“But why keep that from both of them, Sir?”
Well, the senate was watching Days of Our Lives and wanted to try out some of their plot.
“Leon needs to be focused on the upcoming mission, and when the time is right I will be the one to tell Leon, but not now, and not Denzel because he has been through so many horrors already and knowing this bit of news will shock and anger him because he does not understand.
Uh-oh, I think the senate is trying to filibuster the rest of the fic.
The most important thing we do now, is that he needs to be cared for right away and he needs to be protected”
Personally, I’d put slightly higher importance on figuring out what kind of super-hybrid-zombie-plagas virobacteriophagocyte-thing he’s got.
It is too a word, shut-up.
“Of course…but why is Denzel in danger?”
Plot? I bet it’s plot. Is it plot? It’s gotta be plot!
“It is because a group of bio terrorists that are after Denzel needs to get his infection to make a more deadly dose
Damn, it was gibberish, not plot.
worse than what he has now
“What he has now” being somewhere between indigestion and a mild case of mononucleosis. The horror.
and the result of it can kill him”
I mean, it won’t kill him because that’s how these plots work. But it could… even though it won’t.
But it so totally could.
Just to lay it all out there for everyone: the bio terrorists plan to get Denzel’s infection, create a deadlier dose of it, and use it to infect Denzel with the infection that he already has.
Call me crazy, but I think one of the Weskers is behind this one.
Helena placed her hand on her mouth in shock, taking in all this new information
I know, I wasn’t expecting it to be this stupid either. You would think I’d be more prepared for this level of stupidity after five years of this.
That’s it for now, thank you reading this everyone
Which will be the first and only time I’ve read this everyone.
give me your thoughts on my idea =)
It seems to be little more than a trashy amalgam of Hollywood clichés and soap-opera melodrama. It barely qualifies as an idea in my book because it could barely produce even a framework of coherent thought. You gave yourself so little to go on that you couldn’t even make it past the first chapter before running out of steam.
As far as ideas go, this one was pretty worthless.
Glad I could help =)
should I continue
No. And I’m happy that you took that advice before I could even give it to you; even if you stopped for the wrong reason.
and if so, what would you like to see happen?
If you need to ask your audience for ideas at the end of the first chapter, you shouldn’t be writing the fic.
Tell me in a review see you next chapter
And with that, this little ficlet comes to an end.
There is one bit of advice I have for you, acqua, and I don’t say this lightly nor do I say it often: stop writing. You are doing it for all the wrong reasons and obviously have no real interest in it. I’ve looked through your fic list and all of them are short, were abandoned partway through, and you’ve added comments in the summary or author’s notes in many of them saying that the lack of reviews has made you want to stop writing that particular fic.
To put it bluntly: you want attention and have no real interest in the writing beyond what notice you think it might bring you. You aren’t doing yourself any favors by wasting your time doing something you have no passion or skill for, and you aren’t doing anyone else any favors by wasting their time with the worthless dreck you’re churning out in your quest for recognition.
Just stop. Go find something you actually care about and do that instead.
And on that note-
Wait, why the hell was this listed as a Final Fantasy VII crossover!?
And where the hell did a little kid get a rod made of silver!?
This damn fic is going to be giving me fridge moments for the next month!