1826: Coffin Rock: Retold – Chapter Three

Title: Coffin Rock: Retold
Author: PureNexus
Media: Movies
Topic: The Blair Witch Project/Alpha and Omega
Genre: Mystery and Horror
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by Angie

What’s up, everybody? My name is Angie and I am back with another review of Coffin Rock: Retold. I need to get this riff done by 11:59 tonight which means I have T-minus seven and a half hours to get this done. Alright? Cool.

[Extra footage caught from mic: I have to go to the bathroom hold on]

Anyway, last time, Aaron gave Kate, Humphrey and Garth camcorders and sent them on their journey. Let’s hope this next chapter is a little more scary. Let’s take a look at chapter three of Coffin Rock: Retold!

Chapter 3: New Arrivals

… … … “AAAAAAHHH!” Kate screamed as as the train’s horn went off, shaking the whole car.

Ah! *hides behind Queenie*

Queenie: Wh—get off of me, peasant!

*looks up at manuscript* Oh, it was just one of those stupid jumpscares. I don’t remember if I hammered this is enough during my Dragon Tales review, but jumpscares rarely work in writing, let alone fanfiction.

‘See? This is why I like the Canadian Express, it has a pleasantly loud whistle, THIS was more of a heart-attack horn. ‘ she thought angerly to herself.

Best line so far in this fic. Not to say it was well written, but I enjoyed it quite a bit. I guess Nexus can have a redemption cookie. *gives Nexus an Oreo*

She looked down at Humphrey and Garth, who were still sound asleep. ‘How are THEY still asleep?’ she thought. She turned on her camcorder to check the time. ‘6:42? Huh, I usually wake up before then, better check where we are’ she pulled out the map and scanned her eyes across it. Then she went to check what was outside.

Well, you know. Time is of the essence, even though hypothetically you shouldn’t have any concept of it, anthropomorphic wolves as you may be. Also, I would have recommended saying ‘She pulled out the map and scanned it with her eyes’, but I guess there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

Kate looked outside at the slowly moving scenery outside, she looked around at the beauty of her surroundings. It appeared that it was the beginning of autumn. The trees were green with small dots here and there of yellow and orange.

God, even as a metaphor that was shit. Why can’t you be more creative? What else could you have compared leaves to? Please have more variety, I feel like I’m reading a Mad Libs story right now.

The ground was covered with multicolor leaves. Small rock formations jetted out of the ground in some places, small streams and hills cover the rest. The sun’s position in the sky caused small beams of sunlight to slip through the trees. It was a beautiful sight.

Is jetted the word you really meant to use there? I can’t exactly think of a better word off the top of my head, but there’s got to be a better one than jetted.

“Wow” she breathed out. She checked the map again and saw that the landforms on the map matched the ones outside. She turned to Humphrey and nudged him so he would wakeup. “We’re here.” she whispered. Humphrey looked blankly at her.

See, and here we have a word that isn’t a word at all. Wakeup isn’t a word, and I don’t know that nudging someone is the correct way to provoke the hypothetical action of wakeup.

“Here?” he asked. Kate just looked at him.

“Maryland” she confirmed. Humphrey nodded and stood up, yawning. He turned on his flash light and pointed it at Garth’s face, causing him to wake up. He stood up and stretched.

Is that really what makes people wake up? Unless Garth is, like, a hella light sleeper, I’m going to have to doubt that’s how it works, even by cartoon logic.

“It’s time to go, we’re in Maryland, now we just have to find Blair.” Kate said. She walked to the open door and jumped out. The train seemed to have slowed down from it’s original high-speed, allowing Kate to land without difficulty.

That’s…weird. Think of the implications of that. If it’s a train with actual humans on it and not just automated like most trains are in kids films, then they should’ve been scared out of their minds that there were possibly dangerous wolves on board. Isn’t that the only reason it would have slowed down, because it’s stopping? Did they hitchhike? I’m so confused and I don’t like it.

The others followed her until they were in the middle of the warm-colored forest land. Humphrey looked at his surroundings.

Warm colored forest land?

Whatever you say.

“Kate, I don’t think we’re in Jasper anymore.” Humphrey said, he looked at Garth. “We should find Blair before noon, so we can find a den before night.” he added. Garth nodded and the trio began walking.

Oh, my god. Please don’t tell me this fic is becoming one of those fics. Please don’t tell me we’re going to start mixing movie references in here. I don’t want that, no one does.

“We need to head southwest to get to… Burkittsville? What’s th- Oh, Blair IS Burkittsville. So we need to go southwest.” Kate said.

That is technically canon, but did Aaron seriously forget to tell Kate, Humphrey and Garth that the town isn’t called Blair anymore? And how does…oh, forget it.

They all turned around so they were facing in the opposite direction of the sun. Then turned left slightly so they would face southwest, and walked. The leaves crunched under each step they took. All of them looked around at the trees, rocks, and rivers that surrounded them.

And now, with no indication that we needed a time jump, we get a time jump. And it lasts….

-/-5 hours later-/-


God, I wish I knew enough about Maryland to disprove this but I don’t.

“UUUHG are we there yet?” Humphrey groaned, Kate stopped and checked the map.

“Yea, we’re almost there, we’re just walking kinda slow, let’s speed up a little.” Kate encouraged.

Now, wait there just a second, Kate. Humphrey asked if you were there yet, you responded yes, and then you said you’re almost there. Come on, Kate. Be stupid if you want to, but be consistent.

They began to walk faster. After 30 minutes of fast-walking Humphrey began panting.

“You guys are trained alphas, and in case you didn’t notice, I’m an omega… I CAN’T WALK LIKE THIS FOREVER!” Humphrey yelled out.

Sure, but…trained in what? Walking long distances? Does Humphrey not know how to walk long distances? And wait, don’t wolves usually pant anyway? Aren’t wolves dogs? Was my one year of vaguely paying attention in Biology for nothing?

Garth looked back at Humphrey irritated.

“Humphrey, will you do the world a favor and Shutup and grow a pair?” Garth growled out. Humphrey scowled at him.

“Soon…” Humphrey growled to himself.

Uh…uhm…sick burn, bro?

-/-5 MORE hours later-/-

Oh my goodness. I was promised that creepy things were going to happen in this chapter and, apart from Kate’s unnecessary scream to harmonize with the train’s horn, which I refuse to believe hasn’t honked before, nothing has.

The sun was beginning to set and they were still in the woods.

“Kate, are you sure you’re reading this map right?” Garth asked. Kate nodded.

A-ha! I knew something creepy was going to happen in this chapter! I’m just…disappointed that it was directly and shamelessly stolen from The Blair Witch Project. God, and people tell us to respect copyright infringement.

“Yes, I’m sure. We should be there in literally any minute.” Kate said. Humphrey moaned.

“That’s what you said six hours ago, yet look at us now” he groaned again.

“Don’t worry, we’re almost there” she soothed. Humphrey smiled and kissed her cheek.

So…the first two times Kate said they were almost there, Humphrey seemed obviously and rightfully ticked off. What’s so different about the third time she said it that makes it so that Humphrey is calm? Also….


They walked for about 30 more minutes when all of a sudden a loud high-pitch screech caused Kate and Garth’s fur to stand on-end. She wheeled around to see Humphrey sitting down with his paw on the radio, turning the knobs in different Directions. “Humphrey, what are you-” Kate started but she was interrupted by the radio as it began to play Breathing, by Ocean Avenue.

  1. Nexus used ’30’ in the place of ‘thirty’ which you shouldn’t do in writing.
  2. It’s not high-pitch, it’s high-pitched.
  3. The dash between on and end is unnecessary.
  4. Wolves shouldn’t know how to use radios.
  5. There’s no reason to capitalize directions.
  6. Breathing by Ocean Avenue isn’t a song.
  7. There’s no reason to put a comma after ‘Breathing’.

I hate this paragraph in particular.

“ohhhhh Yeah.. ” Humphrey said as he tapped his paw on the ground. Kate smirked, turned around, and continued walking.

I’m not going to question why Humphrey’s moaning right here, and I don’t want anyone in the comments to question it either.

-/- 2 hours later-/-

AHHHHHHHHHH. God damnit, stop!

“Alright, I’m not walking any more.” Garth stated as he sat down. Kate also sat. Garth looked around, “uh, where’s Humphrey?” he asked.

Oh boy, Humphrey got kidnapped already? We’re just racing through the plot of The Blair Witch Project, aren’t we. It can’t be long until they stumble across a house and Garth is seen standing in the corner.

They looked around until they heard music coming from the forest. They followed the tune until they saw a gray wolf looking at a large, green object.

God, it’s the Jolly Green Giant, isn’t it? I didn’t want to put the Kitchen Sink tag on this but I fear that I might have to.

“Guys, I’ve found something neat!” Humphrey yelled. They saw what he was talking about. Humphrey was standing next to a green tent. “Can you believe it? It was just out here by itself, we should probably use it as our camp for tonight.” he said. Garth looked at him, surprised. “What?”

Oh, shit! It’s a…it’s a tent.


“That is a very good idea Humphrey, what made you think of it” Garth asked, Humphrey shrugged.

“Humans sleep in these when they camp, so why can’t we?” Humphrey explained. Kate’s eyes widened.

…ohhh, it’s the tent from The Blair Witch Project.

I refuse to believe that the Blair Witch didn’t tear this tent apart after she scared Heather, Mike and Josh out of it.

“Humphrey, what if humans are using this, and they see us inside?” Kate asked concerned. Humphrey shook his head.

You would be able to hear them breathing. Wolves have really good hearing, and as an Alpha your hearing should be more advanced. Considering all the training you’re always talking about.

“No, it’s been empty, I can smell it” Humphrey replied confidently. They all shrugged, and opened the tent. All 3 of them were instantly blasted by warm, thick musty air. They gasped and jumped back.

How do wolves, even anthropomorphic ones, go about shrugging? All their limbs are on the ground, right? Right? Is the wolf shrug the equivalent of a human push up?

“What the hell? It smells like shit in here.” Humphrey coughed.

Oh boy, do I love the thought of characters in animated kids movies swearing.

Unless it’s this. This is gold.

“Well, it’s still better than sleeping outside.” Kate said optimistic. Humphrey and Garth groaned and walked inside the tent, which seemed to have once had filming equipment inside.

And you could figure that out because…why? Did you just look inside the tent and say ‘Yup, there was filming equipment here at one point. For sure.’? How would you go about realizing that?

After a few minutes dusk turned to night. Humphrey turned of his radio and everyone fell asleep.

Ah yes, the best way to skip forward in time…making all your characters fall asleep. Not lazy at all.

But watch. We’re gonna get some real scary shit right now. Ready?

… … “Huh?” Humphrey said as he look around for the source of the sound. It sounded like rocks falling on top of other rocks. He quickly woke up Kate and Garth.

Rocks! They’re rocks! Rocks are, like, a horror movie trope!


“What is it Humphr-” Kate started but was interrupted by the sound.

“Don’t you hear that?” Humphrey said, scared. Kate nodded, put her camcorder on record, and walked out of the tent.

Seriously, guys. Rocks aren’t that scary.

Now, listen. I can feel some of you guys saying “Angie, The Blair Witch Project is one of your favorite movies. You should know that it doesn’t use a lot of especially scary things. Why are you dissing this fic for doing the same thing?”.

See, The Blair Witch Project is notorious because it didn’t need to do big scares since the setup was scary on its own. This fic just doesn’t seem to realize it’s not scary and it can’t do the same things.

“Hello!” she yelled into the distance. The noise seemed to come from two places at once.

Calling out ‘hello’ in a horror.


“It’s like it’s all around us.” Garth said backing into the tent.

“Awwww, is the big, bad alpha scared?” Humphrey teased. Garth scowled at him.

Oh, shut your hell, Humphrey. You’re scared as well, don’t put down Garth to make yourself feel better. Don’t be such a terrible person.

“No!” Garth said confidently, the noise came again and Garth yelled.

“Kate, it’s probably just the locals screwing with us because we’re… You know… Newcomers.”


*breathy laugh* Locals? You’re in the middle of the goddamn motherfucking woods.

The crumbling noise then came from the left. Kate yelled and faced the sound, making sure her camcorder got all of it. Garth saw this.

Oh, come on. Are you that lazy? There are so many better ways you could have phrased ‘Garth saw this.’ How about ‘Garth watched as Kate yelled and faced the sound, making sure her camcorder got all of it’? It’s much more efficient and nice.

“Are you ACTUALLY going to record all of this? Hasn’t it hit you yet we could actually be in danger?” Garth said, his voice wavering slightly. Humphrey smirked at Garth’s fear.

Yes indeed. That’s why Kate is acting so scared. Because she realizes they could be in actual danger. Yet she’s still doing what Aaron told her to do. Garth is being no help.

“Let’s just go back to sleep, Kate, turn off the camcorder, we’ll need as much battery as possible. And Garth… Nevermind, let’s just sleep.” Humphrey said. Kate had already turned off the camcorder and and lied down.

Kate did that in the time it took Humphrey to say that? And she did it smoothly? Even after the terrifying rock sound effect that just took place? I call an epic amount of bullshit.

Garth had done the same. Humphrey grinned, he had just acted leader-like. He lied down next to Kate as she and Garth fell asleep. Humphrey ignored the noise as it slowly advanced towards the tent from every direction.


I had no idea that Humphrey had just been acting leader-like.

Seriously, no idea. This scene was so poorly executed that you could tell me it was a porno and Garth and Humphrey were having sex and I would have believed you.

A/N: Alright, ch3 is finally finished. Notice how my chapters have been getting longer? I think I’m getting better at this.

Quantity of words doesn’t equal the quality of the chapter, Nexus.

Well, that concludes another chapter…wait. What’s this? *picks up a camcorder, turns it on* Woah. That’s— *the lights flicker off, Angie hears a noise from the corner. She turns the camcorder to the corner and turns on flash* Fuck! Oh my god!

It’s a loaf of bread!


10 Comments on “1826: Coffin Rock: Retold – Chapter Three”

  1. BatJamags says:

    The trees were green with small dots here and there of yellow and orange.

    • Angie says:

      Ah! *hides behind Queenie* Dots!

      Queenie: This joke wasn’t funny the first four times and it’s certainly not funny now.

      Shut up, I’m hilarious.

  2. BatJamags says:

    “Kate, I don’t think we’re in Jasper anymore.”

    You leave The Wizard of Oz alone before I drop a house on your ass.

  3. BatJamags says:


    God, I wish I knew enough about Maryland to disprove this but I don’t.

    I guess that would depend on whether Burkittsville is a real town, whether this is a real railroad, and how close they actually are to one another. It’s late where I am, and I’m not going to dignify this fic by wasting effort to do the author’s job on something they might not even have wrong.

    • GhostCat says:

      Burkittsville is indeed a real town and I did a little Googling to find the nearest train stations so I could tell where the train tracks would be, and the nearest station is about seven miles away by car. According to Google Maps, you could walk the same route in a little over two hours.

  4. BatJamags says:

    “Kate, are you sure you’re reading this map right?” Garth asked. Kate nodded.

    Of all the things to steal from Blair Witch Project, it had to be the unnecessarily extended map-arguing? Oh, this is going to be painful.

  5. BatJamags says:

    “ohhhhh Yeah.. ”

    Would now be a good time to mention that ohhhhh is currently at war with Ohhhhhhhh, or have Sakai and I run that joke into the ground?

    • agigabyte says:

      Goddess: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no, you haven’t. Speaking of Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, it’s apparently going to forcing diplomatic sanctions on all the warring countries for ruining the peace.

  6. BatJamags says:

    “Hello!” she yelled into the distance. The noise seemed to come from two places at once.

    Once, just once, I want the monster/ghost/whatever to reply to this, just all like “Sup, I’m here to eat you or whatever, ‘cuz I’m the bad guy.”

  7. TacoMagic says:

    Is jetted the word you really meant to use there? I can’t exactly think of a better word off the top of my head, but there’s got to be a better one than jetted.

    Pretty sure the author wanted “jutted” but didn’t English well enough to come up with that.

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