1804: Unknown Origins – Chapter One, Part TwoPosted: July 2, 2017
Title: Unknown Origins
Media: Video Games
Topic: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Adventure and Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie
For swearing, nudity, sex, blood, and violence. Hey, it’s Vegas, baby.
And drugs and alcohol. Thanks Cyber.
Howdy, all! Welcome back to Unknown Origins. In case you forgot, last week we covered that someone doesn’t know what a final fuck you is, Angie doesn’t know the difference between Fallout and Vanilla Ice, and this fic covers such a wide variety of genres it’s shocking we haven’t crossed into the historical music category.
Without further ado, let’s continue on.
*record screech* Hold on a second.
Cyber’s with us today? Bwaaaah?
Because Angie knows neither Jack nor shit about Fallout? Bwaaaah?
Cyber: Hi, everyone! I’m Cyberweasel89. Call me Cyber. I wrote this steaming pile of poo back when I was young, stupid, and in the throes of hormonal puberty. It’s by far my worst fanfic ever and it’s such an honor to have it riffed on the Library! Even better to help with the actual riffing! I’m fangirling so hard about this! I’ll try not to interject much, though. Best leave this to the professional. ;)
I knew I wanted a person to help me understand this shit. Praise the fucking lord.
Well, let’s go then!
“You’re awake. How about that.”
An unfamiliar voice greeted her as she opened her eye.
*looks through the two paragraphs, frowning* Hmmm. We’re either missing a comma or we added two enters. Or both.
The light was blinding at first, but her eye quickly adjusted. She attempted to pull herself into a sitting position.
“Whoa, easy there. Easy. You’ve been out cold a couple a days now.”
*gasp* No shit?
Seriously, no shit. Y’all know I hate the fade to black trope, because you can predict LITERALLY EVERYTHING.
A hand steadied her. When she looked, there was a man in front of her. An older gentleman, balding with white hair and a white mustache, dressed in a white lab coat and blue jumpsuit, an odd device on his wrist. He seemed concerned, but calm.
*brain studies sentence for a while*
So we’re playing Monopoly?
“Why don’t you just relax a second. Get your bearings.”
She took a deep breath, trying to calm her mind. Then she felt the draft… and looked down to find herself sitting on a bed, the white sheet that had been over her having fallen onto the ground when she sat up… and she was completely naked.
*slaps a homemade censor bar onto the manuscript* NOT IN MY GOOD CHRISTIAN HOUSEHOLD, MOTHERFUCKER.
“Are you okay? You seem-”
She shrieked. A loud, deafening, high-pitched shriek of distress as she thrust her arms over her breasts and pulled her legs up against her body.
*covers ears until shrieking stops* Don’t do that, Cyber! You’re going to make my ears bleed!
“Wh-Where am I? Wh-Who are you? Wh-Where are my clothes?”
And wh-where is my ability to form sentences the first time?
Cyber: Get used to that. It’ll be consistent, annoying, and consistently annoying. Luckily it only shows up when Sue-chan is flustered or nervous. Which is, like, 90% of the time.
The stranger reached a hand out, trying to calm her. “It’s okay. This is Goodsprings. I’m Doc Mitchell. You’re clothes couldn’t be salvaged.”
I am not clothes. That isn’t even grammar. You are is mashed together.
I think I’m getting stupider reading this.
Cyber: How did pubescent!me miss that typo? So embarrassing! >_<
“D-Don’t touch me! G-Give me something to wear, please!”
I THINK I’VE FIGURED OUT WHO OUR MARY SUE IS.
Cyber: O RYL
The doctor sighed to himself, standing to walk into the other room. “Okay, alright.” He chuckled. “And here I thought modesty was dead in the youth of today…”
Did you just say that just because people don’t want to walk around naked, they’re ashamed of their bodies?
*screams* I’m fine.
Cyber: I hate the me from the past. I really do.
She sat there on the sofa, in a quasi-fetal position, shivering and trembling. She wasn’t cold. She was scared out of her mind.
Can’t you be both? Is this a blue pill or red pill situation?
Cyber: Eh, I was probably going off the logic that a ramshackle house in the desert with no AC would be hot in the morning.
How else was she supposed to feel, waking up in some stranger’s house completely naked?
I mean, I don’t know. Depends on who you are. I, for one, would feel…awkward. And I would want to crawl into a hole and die. But Ms. Sue, I don’t know your life.
The stranger soon returned, holding some folded-up light blue garment. He held the garment out for her, and she shied away, whimpering. “It’s okay. Don’t cry now. I’ll leave it here and go into the other room while you change.”
I kinda imagined Ms. Sue hissing and crawling away from it like a vampire afraid of the sun. Is this how it ends? Mary Sue, death by blue clothes? *shrieks again* Imagine the eulogy.
He set the outfit on the sofa, and left to the other room just like he said he would. When she had found her ability to move again, and made sure he wasn’t going to peek in on her, she grabbed the garment to find it was some sort of… light blue gown with ties in the back. She hurriedly slipped herself into it.
No, no. You weren’t unable to sit up before. The Monopoly guy was just holding you down. Get your facts straight.
The more I talk about this fic the weirder it gets and the crazier I sound.
She gave a start at the stranger’s voice. She hurriedly tied the back… only to realize something. “Um… uh… uh… S-Sir?”
Ah, there’s one I haven’t used in forever. I haven’t used that since Scarlet.
Which we don’t speak of.
“What is it?” came his gentle reply.
“This… um… doesn’t have a back.”
The back you tied? Okay.
The doctor walked back into the room, and she showed him, blushing a deep crimson. Sure enough, it was completely backless, leaving her naked rear on display.
That was such a weird way to say that. ‘On display’? No one would want to see your ass in a passing glance, let alone with it on display.
Cyber: You should probably get a counter up for every time this fic says the word “naked.” Just sayin’.
“Yeah. It’s meant to be like that. It’s a patient gown, commonly used in hospitals before the War.”
Are…are hospital gowns not used anymore? Even in a post apocalyptic world, that’s…that’s really hard to believe.
Cyber: Good question. The only hospital gowns that are ever seen in the Fallout series are in a pretty isolated and science-y location, so I’d assume they’re pretty uncommon.
Blushing even deeper, she looked away from the stranger to try and keep some semblance of her dignity in this backless gown, trying not to think about how much of her ass was on display.
That was such a weird way to say that. ‘On display’? No one would want to see—wait wait no no NO—
*BLARING ALARMS BLARE*
Cyber: That was a close one, Angie. :P
Sighing, she sat back down on the bed, the country doctor pulling up a chair to sit in front of her.
“Ready? Calm again?
Again? …was she ever calm in the first place? Judging by the shrieking and struggling, I bet not.
Okay. Let’s see what the damage is. How about your name? Do you remember your name?”
She opened her mouth to give her name… only to close it when nothing came to mind.
*angrily scribbles something on a piece of paper* For fuck’s sake, Cyber. You just know every cliche in the book. From ‘and everything went black’ to ‘not knowing name after being unconscious’, it’s all there.
Cyber: Well, to be fair, the main character of Fallout: New Vegas having amnesia is a very common and popular fan theory. It would explain why the player character seems to know so little about the Mojave Wasteland despite having lived there for quite some time.
“So, you lost your memory, huh? Can’t even remember your own name? Well, hopefully it’ll come to ya with time.”
Didn’t we already establish her name was Porky Pig? Was that not a thing? That should’ve been a thing.
He shifted positions in his chair, leaning forward with his hands clasped under his chin. “I’m Doc Mitchell. Welcome to Goodsprings.
*BLARING ALARMS BLARE*
For fucking fuck’s sake, fuck you.
And just so ya know, I’ve been a doctor all my life. So I’ve seen plenty of people in all kinds a states a undress. No reason to be shy around me.”
I’m a doctor, so it’s fine to undress in front of me.
Dr. Mitchell, your perviness is showing.
She blushed and averted her gaze again. His occupation wasn’t making her feel any less embarrassed.
He reached to the side and handed her a mirror. “Here ya go. Take a look at yourself. You were shot twice in the head.
*long, dramatic sigh. Repeats mantra several times* Logic and fanfiction don’t mix. Logic and fanfiction don’t mix. Logic and fanfiction don’t mix.
I had to go rootin’ around in your noggin’ for all the bits of lead. Let me know if I left anythin’ outta place.”
I like to imagine Dr. Mitchell was just awkwardly poking the brain for a little bit before throwing his hands in the air and saying ‘good enough!’
And with that, today’s riff ends. I’ve been Angie, and I will see you next time on Unknown Origins.