1801: Adopted – Chapter FourPosted: June 28, 2017
Welcome back to
Raptor and I Life with Raptors Adopted! The totally-not-a-ripoff-of-other-ripoffs fic! With me again as my raptor correspondent is Eliza! Say hello, Eliza.
You didn’t do the joke.
*Taco heaves a sigh* Recap?
“One of my lesser kin, Sharifa, tried to eat cola can and
Rae May Anna had to come in and save her by cramming an arm down her throat. I think that was it.”
Well, that does gloss over the half-chapter of padding where Anna was supar skerd of the raptors! And the other half where he boss had to wake her up to do something that should have been the Veterinarian’s job.
Anyway, let’s see what the next chapter is all about.
Chapter Four: Gunpoint
I suppose it’s too much hope for that the raptors get their claws on some guns.
“Raptors have talons, not claws.”
Technically talons are just a kind of claw.
“Technically humans taste wonderful!”
Talons it is.
*Aliens detonate against the door, coating it in acidic goo*
If we ignore it, it isn’t actually happening.
“I’m not sure that’s how it works.”
Ugh… my head hurt… what happened? Why did –
Did she get drugged by the raptors?
“Aww, but they were supposed to hold her at gunpoint!”
There’s always next time.
Oh, right. The party. We’d had a party the night before and got plastered.
What have I told you guys about inviting Sues to your drinking parties!
“Not to tell you because you don’t want to know about it?”
Okay, that’s true, actually.
“Ugh…” I tried to move and felt myself fall down. God, I was lying on the bar! But no, I was still falling.
Um, what? I thought she was drunk, not tripping on acid.
And when I stopped, I was face-to-face with the two raptors from last night. The male opened its mouth. “Anna.”
Oh. It’s a dream sequence. Again. Using the talking dinosaur gag. Again.
Now I recognised the dream. Oh crap. Not again…
“That was our reaction, sweetie.”
You should write a nasty letter to your author about reusing the same tired gag twice in a row.
“Anna, get up.”
I rolled out of bed and landed hard. It worked well enough to wake myself up a bit.
Anna seems incapable of getting out of bed like a normal person. Always gotta flop out of it onto the ground. She’s as dramatic as my toddler.
“Yeah, what?” I groaned into my radio. My head hurt, I was exhausted and it had really put me in a bad mood.
Little clue for you, Sparkette, being grumpy at your boss because you’re sporting a hangover will get you fired faster than if you have an actual good reason.
And this nightmare was getting to be really stupid.
“We whole-heartedly agree!”
“I feel dirty now.”
I didn’t like it.
“Neither do we!”
“I’m going to need to roll in something after this.”
Can’t you just take a dust bath like normal raptors!?
“Breakfast,” Muldoon replied over the radio. “Go get some. Now.”
Getting woken up by your boss for breakfast? Sweet crap, author, you’ve never had a job, have you? I mean, maybe a particularly nice boss would do this on your first day or something, but we’re talking about fucking Muldoon here! He’d tell you when breakfast is the next day. If you’re lucky.
“Jesus. Mull, I’ve still got a hangover.”
“You know what cures a hangover!?”
If you’re about to suggest she go roll in a Dimetrodon corpse-
“For a hangover? Never! You need lots of liquids for a hangover. She needs to roll in a Pliesiosaur corpse!”
The party hadn’t been a dream. I knew that much. But I’d been having that same nightmare about the raptors every night for two months, ever since I had to help the female one who’d swallowed the Cola can (or tried to, anyway).
Because that’s definitely nightmare fuel.
“We all have,” Muldoon told me.
And if this was the Muldoon from the book, he’d basically be a walking hangover all the time.
“Just get up. You’ve got work to do after breakfast.”
“She’s expected to do work at her job!?”
I looked in the mirror and, deciding I still looked shitfaced, splashed cold water on my face to wake myself up a bit. Then I had a quick, cold shower, downed a couple of Paracetomols and pulled on my khakis so I could go for breakfast.
Why hello daybooking, how nice to see you again!
“So, she’s not going to put on anything under those Khakis?”
Don’t look at me, I guess some people like the feel of course fabric on their tender bits. I try not to judge.
I ran – literally – into a fat slob called Denis Nedry on my way down there.
“Poor guy. Just minding his own business and has an oblivious Sue run headlong into him.”
Yeah, the dude has to put up with a lot here. No wonder he went in for the whole corporate espionage thing; his coworkers are garbage and they treat him like shit.
Nedry works with the computers… nobody likes him much.
Not that he should really put much stock in the opinions of all the assholes he works with. Really, he’s better off not making friends.
He’s pretty self-absorbed – not too difficult with all those layers of fat.
First, that doesn’t make any sense. Second:
Stop with the fat shaming you shallow pile of Triceratops dung. That goes for you too, author. I might remind you that a person writing a bestiality fic probably shouldn’t be hurling insults at people carrying some extra weight.
“Is it any wonder that he’s self absorbed? The alternatives are a callow sue, an insane elderly Scotsman, or a drunken big-game hunter.”
I’ll also take a moment to mention that yes, Nedry was a criminal and an unctuous leech in the book and movie. However, those qualities have nothing to do with his weight. These are completely separate things even though Hollywood often enough tries to intertwine them. Dare to think outside the box, Angie.
“Watch where you’re going!” he told me.
My head still hurt from my hangover. It was pounding too bad for me to think of a snarky comment.
“Translation: She ran out of fat jokes.”
So I just flipped him a single-fingered hand sign – you can guess which one – and left.
“That’s our Annie! Making friends as usual!”
You know you’re doing a great job as an author when you accidentally paint freaking Nedry as the sympathetic character.
I hate that blobby git.
Well, at least he doesn’t secretly want to have sex with dinosaurs. That would be really unfortunate.
“Gloves are coming off, are they?”
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Ah, breakfast. My favourite meal of the day. Mostly because it means I get a fry-up.
For those who haven’t watched a few million Brit coms to become familiar with the slang, a “fry-up” is a traditional English breakfast.
I’m pretty sure I went in-depth on the English breakfast at some point already, so I’ll leave it at that.
Now I’m really hungry.
You know, the kind they have in British motorway services. Eggs and bacon and beans and stuff.
Not helping, author.
“Want some of my leftover carrion sandwich? I think it was some kind of turkey or something, or maybe a DRD agent.”
“There’s another sick raptor,” Muldoon told me at breakfast.
“Damn you,” I told him. “I’m still having nightmares from the last time I went to visit them.”
Angie, try, try to do some research. If Ann here was really an animal handler, she would be working with a set group of animals. She should be seeing those raptors almost every day!
“Look. We’ll go too, if you want. Me and Muldoon, I mean.” Dr Harding was the other vet here, but he was older and there was usually a lot of work out here.
“As you can see, Harding’s doctorate isn’t in English.”
“No!” They’re always treating me like I’m a baby, just because I’m the youngest one on the team.
Uh, no, they’re treating you like a baby because you act like a baby.
“Don’t worry about it,” Henry Wu said. “Why don’t you come visit the nursery when you’re done there? Okay?”
“Why would she do that? Most of my handlers always had work to do during the day.”
Her suefluence exempts her from actually having to put in a full day like the others.
I nodded mutely. Did I mention Wu’s younger than the others too (older than me though) and I kinda like him?
No, but it’s okay, we barely noticed that his introduction was a last-minute expository fold-in.
Well if I didn’t before, I did now.
“I’ve always said that a trip to the nursery makes everything better!”
That’s because none of them are your children.
“I like to rock the Aunt cred.”
“Cool. We’ve got a new baby raptor we want to introduce to the pack when she’s old enough.”
We named her ‘Dessert.’
“Naw, raptor is kinda gamy. I much prefer the tenderness of slow-moving herbivores.”
I really don’t want to know why you have that preference.
*More exploding aliens detonate against the door*
“Good thing I had the Darkwraiths coat everything in acid-proof paint!”
Speaking of which, Gumdrop looked happy with the paint job.
“The big guy really loves purple!”
“Oh… my leg…”
“Oh leg, my leg, our fearful trip is done.”
“I think I may actually be out of cold-themed puns.”
Dude, why are you flaking out on me like that?
“What’s wrong, Romeo?” Sharifa asked.
Comparing your characters to those designed to be an example of young people acting stupidly? Check.
Ever since she decided me and the human girl were perfect for one another, she’s been taking the mick with no mercy. She can be such a twit that way.
“They have such a strong friendship.”
Look, I’ve mentioned that friends suck. What else do you want from me?
“I think my leg’s broken,” I complained.
“Wait, wasn’t this from one of the other two?”
To the archives!
*Taco and Eliza slide down the Suddenly There™ firemen poles*
*Twelve minutes later*
Yup, it’s from Life with Raptors. Since Life with Raptors has since been deleted, I have no idea if this fic is copying form that one, or the other way around. Either way, we continue the fine tradition of these fics ripping each other off.
“You shouldn’t have been climbing the fence then, dimwit.”
“The fences were all electrified in the park.”
No wonder his leg’s hurt.
It’s true. The fence has lightning in it and it blasted me into a tree.
“Hey, Angie actually did remember!”
That’s not actually how electric fences work, but the movie didn’t really understand how they work either, so I’ll forgive the fic for using Hollywood physics as it’s technically canonical.
And okay, I’d known it was going to happen.
“I’m embarrassed by the species association with Fitz.”
If he were a human, I bet most of his afternoons would feature the phrase: “Here, hold my beer and watch this.”
And that the human girl would be called in to take care of me.
Apparently faking an injury never occurred to him.
“Nothing is more convincing than a smoldering raptor.”
Stop quoting from Crunchy’s Book of Wisdom!
And okay, maybe I do like her just a bit. She smells nice.
And if I break my leg, Senpai will notice me!
Jr. High Raptors: 12
But she can’t be my mate – she’s a human!
And yet that simple fact did not prevent a rash of these fics from being written.
Not to mention, I won’t be the one to kiss Nedry! Dammit! I won’t do it! There’s no way I’ll do it.
That’s it, Angie, keep rubbing our noses in how stupid your characters are. I’m sure that’ll endear us to them.
“Did we ever ding her for the Nedry stuff?”
Even if we did, it deserves reslamming.
Jr. High Raptors: 13
That was when I heard the gate to our enclosure open and I smelled the human girl again. Where was that scent from? I had to know. It was amazing.
*Eliza sniffs* “Mmm! He’s right. I think that’s either rotting muskox or maybe diseased warthog.”
I guess Ann needs to actually use some soap in those cold showers of hers.
Argh! What am I saying? She’s a human, for crying out loud!
Author, please stop pointing out how icky the whole situation is. I mean, if you want to fantasize about banging a dinosaur, by all means, but if you’re going to write about it, at least have the self-awareness to not have your characters complain about it.
“Oh look,” Sharifa said. “It’s your mate. Are you gonna go kiss Nedry when she’s done?”
“SHUT UP!” I screamed.
Jr. High Raptors: 14
“Authors really love their bad ideas, don’t they?”
You have no idea.
“Sure I do. Don’t you remember where I came from?”
Oh, right. Okay, fair enough.
Wait, that was is? You shifted POV just for the revelation that the Raptors are engaging in self-harm just to spend a moment with the Sue? Look, kid, I know we’ve seen more bad fanfiction than you have, but it’s hardly earth shattering news that a character would remove a limb just to bask in the glory of a Sue for eleven seconds. If you have to put that in, it can wait until you have more to talk about in the scene.
I froze. The raptor was pissed off. I knew he was. Which meant I was royally screwed.
“I so enjoy that the handlers just walk into the pen.”
There’s a joke in there about free lunch delivery, isn’t there?
“I can’t do this,” I hissed into my radio. But there was no answer. What a surprise.
Hammond picks only the most delicious people to work at his parks!
“I think she’s talking to you.”
Tell her I’m in the bathroom!
Grow a pair, kid. Just do it, I told myself. I stepped up to the raptor.
Look, you have more than enough fetishes going on in this fic without Anna growing testicles!
“Ghostie’s kinda quiet out there.”
She said she had vent access, so I routed everything through the hypercube on sublevel 94. That’ll take her ten, maybe fifteen minutes to navigate, so we should pick up the pace.
I knew it! Roy likes the human. I was right.
“Much to everyone’s chagrin.”
You used the word! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
“You monkeys have a strange sense of humor sometimes.”
And they are suited to each other.
Obviously Sharifa never took Crunchy’s booster course on the impossibility of vaginal-cloacal interfacing.
I wasn’t just teasing, you know. Well, alright. Maybe a bit. But it’s true!
Jr. High Raptors: 15
I was watching both of them as she fixed his leg. She’s got a badge on her shirt that says “ANNA MCNEIL”, which must be her name.
Doesn’t know the term for ‘gun’ but is able to read and knows the significance of a name badge.
“Consistency is for losers! Down with the narrative bourgeoisie!”
Did Specs put you up to saying that.
“I promised not to tell.”
What a nice name. He thought so too. I can already tell that Roy likes her. He just won’t admit it.
We of course need this explained to us because otherwise we’re far too stupid to have deciphered her Super Subtle™ narrative.
He’s probably scared he’ll get kicked out of the pack.
“Which is fair. Mating with something of another species that can’t provide offspring is bad for the pack’s biology, so he’d likely be killed and eaten by the other males in order to make room for a more fit alpha.”
You make it sound so nice.
“Hey, we don’t mess with a process that works.”
*Taco presses a button on the console* There, that’ll shuffle and refold the Hypercube. That should buy us another two or three minutes.
I liked the nursery. It was a nice room and it’s always got the most adorable little baby dinos in.
*Taco rubs his ears* It had to be a scene with baby dinosaurs in it.
This time it was a raptor and she blatantly thought everybody was her bestest friend in the world.
Wait, that sounds vaguely familiar. Where have I seen this before.
“Obviously it’s your imagination playing tricks on you.”
She was epic. Or maybe, you know, she just liked Wu as well.
*Squints at Eliza*
“Your face is going to stick if you keep doing that.”
“How’d it go with the raptor?” Wu asked as me and the baby played tug-of-war over a bit of cloth. “You know, the big one.”
So, you have a raptor with a broken leg, and the most defining feature you can think to identify him is how big he is. Nope, seems fine.
“It was alright. He didn’t mind much, but he was well pissed off when I got there. I think he was in a fight with his mate.”
You know what they say, some of the best relationships start out as friends.
“But didn’t you say that friends suck?”
*Porno music blasts over the intercom system*
“Mate?” Wu asked. “The animals here can’t mate. They’re all female.”
Hey! One of the authors actually remembered that teensy little critical plot point. Now, everyone sit back while it gets hand-waved.
“Not this one.”
“How would she know that?”
Must have expressed his cloaca to check.
“What!? Why on Earth would she do that?”
His leg was hurt.
“Oh no,” Wu sighed. Then he called in Muldoon and said, “Something’s gone wrong. Anna says there’s a male out in the Park.”
Welp, there’s only one thing you can do. Exterminate the entire population and start over from scratch. You can do autopsies to figure out what went wrong.
Er, I mean, it’s probably fine. No need to look too closely into the raptor situation.
And Muldoon turned to me. “Can you show me where?”
“Sure,” I shrugged.
The baby didn’t want me to go and in the end I had to take her with me. I showed Muldoon and a couple other Park staff to the raptor enclosure and they found a male raptor.
Where they quickly put him to death and did several experiments on his b- er, I mean they gave him treats.
“No, if it’s this one, I think the autopsy rout is just fine.”
I was gonna mention that this was the wrong raptor but they were too deep in discussion to listen.
I’d like to mention that it was a big reveal in the movie and book that the animals were breeding. This, of course, has been entirely short-circuited so that the Sue can have a moment of superiority.
“So what do we do?”
“I say we just kill him.”
“No way. Hammond would kill us.”
Eh, I could go either way on that. Movie Hammond probably would be upset, but book Hammond would recognize the danger to his investment and be fine with putting it to death.
“Not it we say it was an accident. One of use went to get Anna and the gun went off by mistake.”
Ah yes, better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission. Not too bad of a philosophy in this case of having a boss who won’t see reason.
“Betcha the Sue will ruin it.”
I wouldn’t take that bet with a million to one odds.
“How about twenty million to one?”
“Sure. Sound good, Anna? Yeah, sounds good.”
And then they took aim.
They were gonna kill the raptor just for being a male. Oh no. Oh Hell no.
Just as the dude pulled the trigger back I jumped in the way.
Well shit. *Hands Eliza a dollar.*
“On the plus side, the Sue just got herself shot.”
Best dollar I ever spent!
*A light starts flashing on the console. Eliza pulls out her phone and pokes at it a bit*
“Looks like west side of the hypercube just melted. The Darkwraiths are shoring it up, but I don’t think we have much time left.”
While you’re fiddling with that, mind ordering us some drinks? I’ve got vouchers.
I was watching from the bushes when it happened.
Ah yes, ‘it.’
Yes, yes, I know. If I post the picture you’ll tie me to Bartolomé as an exercise weight during jump training.
The girl jumped in front of my father and got hit. Then the men shot my father and said they could always say a raptor got the girl.
You know, I never noticed it before, but Muldoon has one hell of a mustache.
I’m not sure how I ever missed it, honestly.
Angie, stop. This kind of reaction doesn’t work in past-tense narrative.
But they left. Sharifa ran over to the human and told me, “The bullet missed her.
“But the narrative just said she was hit! Is this why you have trust issues?”
Among other things.
It’s bruised a rib but she’ll be fine.”
“That doesn’t count as a miss. And I’m pretty sure that’s not how bullets work.”
I can’t fucking believe it. We always talk about Sues being bulletproof due to the plot, but never quite so literally.
Oh God, there was a little baby raptor with her, too! I told Sharifa to look after the baby and ran over to my father.
“If the bullet bruised Annie, imagine what one could do to his father!”
Yeah, he’s gonna have one nasty welt!
“Dad!” I could see he wasn’t gonna make it. “Dad, I’m really sorry.”
It’s okay, son, I’ve already come to grips with how much of a disappointment you are. There are other males.
“Wait, if that’s his father, how did the handlers not notice extra raptors showing up in the enclosure? Even wildlife preserves keep close track of most of the important animals.”
You forget that Ann was hired as ‘one of the best.’ You can only imagine what the average competency level is at this park.
“So, Hammond was hiring dead people?”
Well, you have to admit, utilizing zombie labor would keep cost down, even if it is totally ridiculous.
*A Darkwraith walks in with a tray and presents Taco and Eliza with their drinks*
“Yeah, utilizing the undead for cheap labor is completely insane.”
“Son. You will be Alpha now. Please try to find a mate.” Dad told me.
“That’s still not how a pack works.”
“Okay Dad,” I said. “I’ll try, I promise Dad. I will try. I mean it.”
It’ll probably be a human who can’t bear my children. That’s cool, right?
“Poor guy is going to have a heart attack.”
“And take care of the human girl,” he made me promise. “She tried to stop them. I know you won’t let me down, Son.”
I’m sure raptors are big about the effort being enough, even if you totally fail.
“Even a failure has a lot of protein!”
“Okay Dad. I won’t. I promise.”
And then he was gone.
Much sadness, very feel.
“What was his dad’s name, again?”
Mr. Fitzroy’s Father.
“I knew he looked familiar!”
And with that, the chapter ends. No insipid author’s note or anything.
“Until next week, patrons!”
“Wanna visit the nursury with me?”
Uh, nobody has had a kid here since Swenia, and Jiwe is almost three. Dare I ask what we’re growing in there now?
Okay, sure, I’m game.