1799: THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING – Chapter One, Part TwoPosted: June 26, 2017
Hello, lovelies! I’m back this week with the second half of TPB:LiW. I heard last week went really well and I’m glad my guest found his way just fine. I’ve heard he’s gotten quite the warm welcome from the Library. Good job, everyone!
I’ll do a quick sum-up of the last installment since it’s been a few weeks, then we will get started.
A Sue named Fauna, who may actually be a conglomerate of floating body parts, met Humperdinck right after the credits rolled, flounced continually around the room, acted kind of like a bitch, and decided that, instead of untying the prince and earning his gratitude, she would tell him a “fairy tale,” which we all know is really her TWAJEK BAKSTURY!
The evening of Fauna’s introduction to the Royal Court of Florin had arrived.
If you’re going to tell someone a “fairy tale,” at least change the names so it isn’t as fucking obvious that you’re just using the prince’s captivity as an excuse to talk about yourself.
But she was not the only young woman being introduced for many daughters from every glorified household were being brought before the King and Queen and their son Prince Humperdink. There was plenty competition to be dealt with and she was well prepared.
Something doesn’t seem quite right here…
From birth, Fauna’s preparation for her introduction began. She was giving ever imaginable lesson available to raise her properly into the higher of Florin’s society. Even the typical snobbery was instilled in her. Her head was not only held high for purpose of correct posture but to let it be known she was no commoner like her cousin Buttercup.
And there it is. This is not how royalty works. You don’t just get to take some lessons and pretend you’re high born in order to be introduced into court. If you’re going to break into “high society” in the medieval era this story took place in, you’d need a lot of accomplises to help you pretend to be someone of higher birth than you actually are.
Fauna and Buttercup were cousins but that was all the common ground they shared. Their mothers were sisters. Fauna’s mother married into wealth as Buttercup’s mother married into a common life for the purpose of love.
Okay, so, having read the book I know how much bullshit that actually is. Buttercup’s parents couldn’t stand each other. They didn’t even know how they ended up together. But, I’ll have to cut the author some slack here as it’s apparent they did not read the book and is basing everything off the movie. In the movie, her parents are never really even mentioned, other than that her family was poor. It still amuses me, though.
Buttercup was deemed the loveliest peasant in the land with golden hair and surmountable beauty unhindered by her commoner status.
No, she was deemed the most beautiful girl in the world. There was no stipulation that she was merely the prettiest peasant this side of the hog pen.
Fauna was deemed the loveliest of her higher ranking society with the blackest ebony hair and fair beauty enhanced by her societal status.
Of course she was. Because Sues cannot be out-prettied by canon characters.
But there was no love between the cousins because of their separation by ranks in society. In fact, rumors told tales of Fauna’s envy towards Buttercup’s ability to enchant everyone throughout their shared homeland.
Before Buttercup was engaged to Humpty, no one knew who she was. Hwy would their be rumors about people no one knows about?
And those rumors flourished the moment Buttercup sworn true love to the humble farm boy.
Which was essentially done in secret.
The rumors claimed Fauna’s envy heightened by Buttercup’s ability to love and be loved which left the young dark haired beauty much colder. In Fauna’s world, there was no room for true love only steps upward into society.
If Fauna doesn’t believe in True Love, why the hell is she jealous of Buttercup’s supposed True Love?
And so far this author has done a great job of painting Fauna as someone we are not supposed to like. Sadly, I don’t think that was the intention when Fauna was created.
Also, every time I read her name, this is all I can picture:
Considering she is the sweetest and more timid of the three Good Fairies, it just does not mesh with this Bitch
Queen Lady-in-Waiting we’ve been subjected to.
As Buttercup’s true love Westley went off to seek his fortune, Fauna was entered into the highest of society by her mother’s desire of the grandest of fortune, the Royal Crown.
It’s a real shame when parents try to live vicariously through their children. Just let the kids be kids, dammit!
And, so, Fauna’s introduction on a glorious Florin evening and to the castle she was delivered.
I think you forgot to complete your sentence there, GaGa.
The grand Castle of Florin was lively with all those apart of the Royal Court.
So everyone who wasn’t part of the royal court were lively. Good to know the townsfolk were having a mighty good time.
Carriages of all grandeur styles arrived and from them emerged impeccably dressed Royal Court seat holders along with their daughters.
Seat holders? Was it a Bring Your Own Chair event? Seems odd but who am I to question the eccentricities of royalty. They’re all a bit mad, after all.
Also, every other grand house throughout Florin arrived in droves.
The odd numbered grand houses had to stay home. Only even numbered grand houses were invited this year. That’s probably why they had to bring their own chairs; there just isn’t enough space in the castle to hold them all.
The introduction of ladies to the Royal Court was one of the most prestigious events of the year.
And why, exactly, is that? We’re being told a shit ton of information with no reasoning. It would have been much more compelling if we actually followed Fauna as she arrived and saw her inner thoughts on the matter, or had her converse with the guy carrying her chair.
The carriage for the House of Verna was last in line, purposely last.
Because they were unloading in alphabetical order, and the House of Zendippity was the 39th house and not invited.
Inside the carriage, Lady Verna continued to instruct her daughter Fauna. A detailed plan was derived. With firmness she explained, “You shall be introduced last.”
A conversation that would have been worth hearing but, sadly, we get “Grandly Vague Summary of Shit That’s Happening.”
Fauna nodded and obediently agreed, “Yes, Mother.”
Lady Verna asked, “We allow all others go before us, why?”
Fauna responded, “For the last shall seen shall be remembered.”
Except that by the time the last people arrive, everyone is bored of introductions and ready to eat, and those last people who want to be remembered will then be remembered for holding up the show. Not the entrance you want to make. Fashionably late doesn’t really work, ducky, unless the party is specifically being held for you.
Lady Verna proudly smiled and gave a nod of approval then confidently confirmed, “Yes, Fauna, and you shall be remembered by his majesty the Royal Prince.”
As the reason the soup got cold before everyone could sit down to eat.
Fauna again verbally agreed with a nod, “Yes, Mother.”
This dialogue is as stale as a two week old baguette. And the most disappointing thing is that it doesn’t have to be. If the author just removed all the frigging attributed redundancies, it would be gobs better. Mix in some action. Fuck, I could make this better in less than two minutes.
Inside the carriage, Lady Verna watched her daughter over the top of her fan. “Tonight is the most important night of your life. Do you understand why?”
Fauna took a deep breath, wincing at the tightness of her corset. “Because I have to make the prince notice me.”
“Not just notice you, foolish girl! Fall in love with you.” Lady Verna snapped her fan closed and smacked her daughter on the arm with it. “And that is why we are arriving last. You must stand out above all the others.” She placed the tip of her fan under Fauna’s chin and lifted the girl’s face slightly, studying her in the moonlight that shone through their windows. “At least you’re pretty enough. That will make this easier.”
The younger Lady Verna resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Love was a nonsense she couldn’t afford to worry about. “Yes, Mother.”
See? I might be tooting my own horn, but that’s gobs better.
Fauna’s richly shaded blue eyes shifted and peered at the nearing courtyard entrance. So many carriages were ahead of them, her last place was secure.
Unless someone else is incredibly late to the party. How do you know you’re in last place?
She was nervous but held her composure for that was what a proper lady did. No matter the circumstances a lady held firm to her composure to alleviate the impression of weakness.
I thought I took this away from you last time! *steals GaGa’s thesaurus* You’re getting pretentious. Knock it off. Unless you’re making this joke, there’s no reason for the big words.
She had only seen the Royal Family from afar as they were high above standing on their castle balcony perch addressing the entire gathered kingdom below. And not once had she ever seen the Prince.
“Castle balcony perch.” *grabs the script* The part of the royal family shall be played by a flock of Scarlet Macaws. Huh.
She had been informed through rumors of the Prince’s impeccable handsomeness. Yet, they were but rumors and she predicted them to be false. Also it was proclaimed the Crowned Prince was a great hunter and tracker. Again, rumors and rumors weren’t worth their meaning. But, she hoped the rumors would bare some truths for if he were greatly handsome, her efforts of seduction would be done much easier.
Fauna snapped from her thoughts as their carriage reached the grand entrance.
Firstly Lord Verna stepped out then assisted his wife Lady Verna from the carriage.
Which would not be his job to do if they were nobles. The footman of their carriage would do that.
Lastly Fauna was assisted from the carriage.
Immediately her large eyes peered up at the girth of Castle Florin.
I do believe Fauna just called the castle fat. Rude!
Forward the last arrivals stepped and entered the castle which was grandly illuminated for the introduction festivities.
*slams her mug down on her desk and glares at GaGa*
Fauna was self admittedly fascinated by what she saw throughout the stroll through the depths of the castle. But she kept any excitement or enthusiasm hidden beneath her firmly composed demeanor. Emotion was not acceptable, as her mother claimed.
How dare you look excited or like you’re enjoying yourself. Man always go after the ones that look like they have the emotional capacity of a sea cucumber.
The closer they neared the Grand Hall the sound of the introductions became louder. House after house were introduced in procedural fashion.
*opens up “The Casual Doorman’s Guide to Noble Introduction.”*
“Chapter One: How to Introduce People at a Ball.
Step One: Bang your Bang-Bang Stick on the ground really loud.
Step Two: Say their names loudly, even though the general noise level in the room will be loud enough that no one will hear you.
Step Three: Wave them through.
Step Four: Repeat until all nobles have entered the room.
Step Five: Retreat to the kitchen and see if the scullery maid has any more of that bilberry wine left. Proceed to get very drunk and fall asleep under the kitchen table.”
Huh. Seems like a sound procedure. Carry on.
Lady Verna, without looking back at her daughter, demanded, “Remove the cloak.”
“Yes, Mother.” Fauna agreed. She undid the silver clasp of her black velvet cloak then removed it. Unveiled was her rich black hair made into thousands of smooth lengthy ringlets, the crown twisted with a silver threaded ribbon.
Thousands of ringlets? Do you know what will happen if you try to twist your hair in fucking thousands of ringlets?
Now, there’s nothing wrong with big, curly hair. If you’ve got it, rock it. If you want it, go for it. But we all know that when the author used the word “Ringlets,” this is not what was being portrayed. GaGa was going for something like this:
So now, Fauna the Green Fairy is walking around with an afro because GaGa does not hair.
Her gown was made of luxurious deep purple satin trimmed with silver embroidery. Purple, Lady Verna always preached, was the color of royalty.
That is entirely dependent on what country you’re talking about.
Lord and Lady Verna entered the massive Grand Hall with their chins held high and faces stern without expression with eyes strictly forward.
Hey, GaGa, stern is an expression.
They entered the crowd with Fauna directly behind as the introductions continued at the far end of Grand Hall where the King and Queen sat in the Grand Hall thrones.
Oh, really? I thought they would have been sitting in their Dinning Room thrones.
Fauna kept her eyes forward, peered between her parents and saw nothing but strangers cluttered within the large hall. She knew, informed by her mother, that the King and Queen sat on their designated thrones as each young woman was brought before them then introduced.
Was she not able to see that they were on their thrones? Or was her mother merely letting her know that the King was not sitting on the Queen’s throne, and visa versa?
It was said that the royal Prince too would be with his royal parents and presented each of those hopeful young women.
Well, that’s dumb. My invitation clearly states that the royal prince will be with his secondary set of parents while the unroyal prince would be with the royal parents. You, Lady Fauna, are at the wrong damn party.
All the young women strived to catch the Royal Prince’s eye. But Fauna was determined it was only she who would capture the Prince’s fancy, as instructed by her mother.
The how is a little vague, although perhaps that’s the point of her ringlet Afro. She will certain stand out.
Lord and Lady Verna went to a complete stop at the end of the line of introductory parents and daughters.
Please allow your parents to come to a full and complete stop before disembarking from their company.
Fauna stood silent, her posture and composure impeccable with her hands folded before her. She listened to the whispering voices surrounding her and the loud announcement of each household’s name followed by name of the daughter being introduced for the first time to the Royal family.
Her parents stepped forward, she did also. She hid her nervousness well as her eyes peered forward.
Hiding your eyes would also bring a lot of attention to you, but I’m not sure it’s the type of attention you were hoping for.
She caught a glimpse of the King and Queen as a daughter of another house was brought forward and properly curtsied. Her eyes looked to her mother.
Lady Verna peered over her shoulder then gave Fawna one final instruction, “Compose yourself.”
“Get your hands off your face, you nitwit! You’re going to cause a scene!”
Also, GaGa just spelled their own protagonist’s name wrong.
Fauna gave a bow of her head in agreement then looked forward just as her parents stepped forward in preparation for their household announcement. She took a deep breath, lifted her chin, straightened her spine and unfolded her hands. Her moment had come.
Loudly the final household was announced, “Lord and Lady of the House of Verna!”
*coughs slightly into her hand* That’s not how you announce a lord and lady of a noble house.
Forward Lord and Lady Verna stepped before the King and Queen and graciously bowed in their honor.
How dare you step forward before the King and Queen step forward! Off with their heads!
They rose up, their postures quickly returned to their stiffened states then they turned and stepped to the side.
Fauna stepped forward with undoubted grace. Her large blue eyes focused on the aged King and Queen. She was loudly introduced.
“The daughter of Lord and Lady of the House of Verna,” the voice shouted, “Fauna Marigold-Geraldenia of the House of Verna!”
Forward she continued and neared her parent’s stone stance. Though she hid her nervousness with ease, inside she feared a shift of her eyes. Her focus remained on that of the King and Queen. The Queen of Florin was nearly as stone faced as her mother but there was immediate sweetness clearly read throughout the aged expression of the King’s.
The queen was a very friendly and jovial lady, by the way.
She stepped between her parents and allowed a smile to form over her lips to further disguise her nervousness. She stopped in proper place then slowly lowered in curtsy to the royals before.
She lowered her head then heard a loud excited giggle from the sweet faced King. Her eyes frowned then she listened.
Her eyes frowned. I don’t mean to be skeptical, but eyes can’t physically do that. They have no mouths. Unless… GOETH!
The King giggled as he giddily clasped his hands together. His arm lifted and he swatted the Crowned Prince’s arm. He pointed down at lovely young woman in purple and loudly stated his opinion, “This one is something else!” he continued to giggle, “Hmm?” he again swatted his son, “Quite lovely this one!”
The king is pretty addled, although you only see him a couple times in the movie. Hard to say if he’d do this or not. I’ll let it slide.
The King’s smiling eyes looked to his wife, the Queen, who seemed not at all amused by his outburst of approval. He grimaced at his wife then shifted on his throne and looked up at his son. He again pointed at Fauna then attempted a whisper, “Make sure you ask this one to dance.” His voice nearly echoed for the Grand Hall became silent. He continued to giggle then joked, “If you do not then I shall!”
I do have to continually remind myself that this is based on the movie and not the book. In the book, the king is so addled that his mumbles most of his words, and his very sweet queen often translates for him quite happily.
Prince Humperdink shared much of his mother’s demeanor. His eyes deeply frowned at his father’s giddy outburst.
Maybe the people in GaGa’s story have different eyeball anatomy than real people.
He lightly rolled his eyes then looked to the bowed young woman. Upon her introduction, he paid no attention for he had gotten bored by the fifth daughter. So, he didn’t even remember the name that was announced.
See?! See, this is exactly why you don’t want to be last! *smacks the Vernas upside their heads*
This! This, right here!
Fauna had not been prepared for such a loud comment from the King. She slowly lifted her head, slightly broadened her smile and looked to the widely smiling King. She graciously bowed her head in thanks to his sweet compliment.
Slowly she rose up as her eyes shifted in the direction where the King’s praise was given.
His attention was giving to her. Is she now paying attention to herself? That’s rather rude considering she’s supposed to be paying her respects to the king and queen.
Well, Prince Humperdink self admittedly thought, he got bored too quickly. The face amongst the drape of ebony curls was quite impressive along with her intense blue eyes. He regretted not having paid attention to the names.
Humpty would not have cared. He didn’t want to wed. His only interest was starting a war with Gilder.
Fauna looked directly into the dark brown eyes of the Prince’s.
Of the prince’s what? His best hunting dog?
She was immediately thankful that the rumors of the Prince’s appearance were based from truths, he quite pleasingly handsome.
I don’t find him particularly handsome, but each to their own.
She gave him not the smile her mother forced her to practice.
Then what the hell did she give him? A festive tie?
In fact the smile given was genuine and mixed with a hint of sweetness but heavily injected with sincere flirt.
Fauna again looked to the King and Queen, the flirt quickly removed from her smile but ample with sweetness. Again she graciously bowed her head then turned. The first face she saw was her mother’s with an approving smirk.
The Queen lifted her arm and with a twirl of her wrist the Grand Hall exploded with the traditional festive celebration.
Oh, good! Now we get to witness some lovely, Florinese traditions!
We aren’t going to see any of this, are we?
Fauna went on as planned. Every instruction her mother gave remembered. Her conduct for the rest of the evening was of great importance.
And so the evening continued.
And so we shall not.
The good news is I should be able to finish chapter one the next time I riff this story. The bad news is that another chapter of “Betrayal” sits between us and then.