1798: Coffin Rock: Retold – Chapter One

Title: Coffin Rock: Retold
Author: PureNexus
Media: Movies
Topic: The Blair Witch Project/Alpha and Omega
Genre: Mystery and Horror
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie

Last week…last year, I reviewed a terrifyingly boring creepypasta about Dragon Tales. It seemed to do fine on the Library, so this got me to thinking…is there another bad creepypasta based off a children’s show that made a few adults want to gouge their eyes out?

Lucky for all of us, there is. And it is based on…*pause for effect, even though you’ve all already read the title card* Alpha and Omega. And it’s a creepypasta about…*pause for effect, even though you’ve all already read the title card* The Blair Witch Project. Why? Who knows. Is it scary? Who knows. Is this author on crack? Who knows.

Before I get to this fic, I figured I might as well explain the premises of each movie.

The Blair Witch Project follows three aspiring filmmakers who find out there’s a thing called the Blair Witch in a forest near a town that used to be called Blair, now known as Burkittsville. They figure it’s a good idea to go into these woods and make a documentary on this terrifying being that they know for a fact exists and have tortured people before, because that’s a thing people do. It is one of my very favorite movies, and it has been referred to by at least one person as one of the worst films of 1999. So. There’s that.

Alpha and Omega is about wolves.

So let’s dive into Castle Rock: Retold.

In October of 1994, three student filmmakers disappeared in the woods near Burkittsville, Maryland while shooting a documentary.
A year later their footage was found.

To be clear, this is legitimately the same thing that starts off The Blair Witch Project. Some lazy writing is afoot!

In 1999 the footage was published as a “movie” called “The Blair Witch Project”

And then it was “made” into a crappy “fan fiction” mixed with a “movie” about “wolves” with “quotation” marks “everywhere”.

11 years later in 2010,a second group of amateur filmmakers came back from Burkittsville along with 3 small cameras that they found.

First of all, use ‘eleven’ and ‘three’, don’t use the numbers. Second of all, you want a space between the comma and ‘a’. Third, and possibly the most important, these are filmmakers. Which means, to some extent, at least one of them should have had a camera on them. Did they just find the cameras on the ground and were like ‘hey, maybe we should be filmmakers?’ I mean, in The Blair Witch Project, they already had their cameras and they already wanted to be filmmakers. Also, isn’t it so insanely coincidental that two groups of people, strikingly similar to each other, both went to the same woods with the same intention?

The cameras contained film that retold the Blair Witch Story in a much different Point-Of-View…

This is that Story.

If you’re going to try to make me pity the Blair Witch by putting it in their perspective, I swear to God I’m going to rip my own neck open.

So, let’s get into Chapter One.

Chapter 1: departure

A/N: If this chapter is crappy, don’t blame me;

Not twenty words into the story, you’re already saying your fic sucks. Not only that, but you’re blaming…

 

blame my 1997 Gateway PC for making me write a story on an EVO Disc: I do not own Alpha and Omega, or The Blair Witch Project

You’re blaming the computer you’re writing on? I am actually offended.

It was roughly 11 o’clock at Jasper Park, the weather was mild with an occasional breeze. What was peaceful morning silence, was replaced by conversations going on between a couple groups of wolves.

I mean, I figure eleven o’clock is closer to noon than to the morning, and with that said I doubt it was quiet then, considering Jasper Park is filled with goddamn wolves, and if I learned anything from watching Alpha and Omega, wolves are rowdy pretty much all day every day.

“YOUR WHAT?” three wolves exclaimed in disbelief, each one appeared to be a different size and shape. One of them shook his head in disbelief.

What, my what? What does my what have to do with anything? Don’t confuse me this early on in the fic!

“Your joking, right?” he asked, knowing what the answer already was.

Okay, you can threaten my what, but never ever threaten my joking.

But seriously, you’re starting your fic by proving to me you don’t know the difference between your and you’re. I don’t have much hope for the rest of this fic, and there won’t be any left if the fic keeps deteriorating.

“Nope, we’re leaving midday, so I came here to spend that time here with you guys.” a grey-white Wolf replied with a grin. The other wolves thought for a moment until they realized:

“Humphrey, that’s only in an hour” a slightly overweight wolf said. The Gray wolf’s eyes immediately widened.

I hate that this author doesn’t care enough to remember the rest of these character’s names. There’s like, Candy, Sweets, Baby, Scary, Posh, Sporty, Ging—wait hold on.

“Wait, what? But it’s only…” Humphrey paused and looked at the sky, “well that figures, the only chance I actually get come here I end up having to leave” Humphrey mumbled to himself.

So…is the simple concept of time completely lost on Humphrey? You could tell him it’s three pm and he would look at you like you’re Jesus. I want an alternate version of this fic where Kate shows Humphrey a watch and he absolutely loses his mind.

He looked back at his friends, who all had sad faces. “Guys, you actually think I’m going to leave you here?” he asked. They look up at him. “When we start our pack, I’ll make sure your the first ones invited. “

Can you stop referencing my the first ones? It’s getting old and this joke is getting old as well. Please give me something else to work off of.

Humphrey and Kate had recently become mates, and after days of consideration, have decided to start their own Wolf pack.

Really! I mean, couldn’t you have explained that beforehand? Exposition Stew, maybe, but couldn’t you have at least tried to reference the Alpha and Omega aspect of your fic in the introduction? That would make a hell of a lot more sense than putting the exposition after you initially referenced it.

“Promise? ” a slightly smaller wolf asked. Humphrey smiled.

“Promise. ” Humphrey confirmed. He looked up at the sky again. “well, I guess I better get going, Eve’s giving Kate a hardtime about leaving” Humphrey said as began walking away.

*pauses, looks behind to see if any raptors are walking in the hallway* Uh…who began walking away? Is this some Odysseus bullshit? Are you accusing me of being a cyclops? I am very, very confused.

“Eve… Ha, good luck with that” the overweight wolf laughed.

And then everyone laughed and applauded. *presses button labeled CANNED LAUGHTER. The stock sound effect plays over the intercom* Much better.

Queenie: *shrieks and drops Dixie cup of water* God damnit, I was bringing this for you and you scared me!

Humphrey rolled his eyes. “thanks for encouragement, Mooch. ” Humphrey replied sarcastically. He sped up to a small trot.

I’m trying my hardest not to imagine Humphrey just walking but it’s all fast forwarded. I can’t be the only one who thought this.

He passed several dens and a few ponds as he trotted through the short green/yellow grass. In the distance he saw a Golden figure and a gray figure talking to a smaller golden figure. Humphrey grinned. As he got closer, he began to hear their conversation.

We’ve struck the silver and gold! We’ve found it! Grab your shovels, men!

“-rstand Kate, it’s very dangerous and I don’t want you to get hurt.” the larger golden figure said.

Does Kate’s mother even know that the Blair Witch is real, or does she just have a hunch? Is it dangerous for wolves to roam the woods? There weren’t any poachers in The Blair Witch Project.

“I know mom, but I’m grownup now, we can handle ourselves” the smaller golden figure replied.

I am sixteen years old, I’m not a child!

*looks at Hiraani, who is staring at her through a window, perplexed*

They’re basically the same character. Calm your tits.

“I know you can, I’m just worried about what could happen if-”

“You know your lack of confidence in us is slightly insulting” Humphrey laughed. The small golden figure turned around and smiled at her mate.

Well, you have no concept of time and you spent the majority of Alpha and Omega bumbling around like a doofus. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kate’s mother didn’t have any confidence in Humphrey. His ego is just astounding.

“Hey Humphrey ” she said. Humphrey smiled and kissed her cheek.

…ew. This author does realize that it’s just slapping his tongue on her cheek? How would it look if they actually kissed? I know this is real stuff that probably happens, but whenever I see dogs in relationships that’s generally not what I picture.

“Hi Kate” he replied. He sat down next to her and turned to the two wolves. “Eve, Kate’s a great alpha, and she can handle herself, I’d be more worried about myself, I’m just an omega, the best attack I can do is to say a terrible joke and hope that they fall asleep. ” Humphrey said, he and Kate broke into laughter.

And then everyone laughed and applauded. *presses button labeled CANNED LAUGHTER. The stock sound effect plays over the intercom* Much better.

Queenie: *drops another cup of water* AHHHHH!

Every looked at the young couple “But Kate-” she started but was interrupted by the gray wolf next to her.

Wait…who’s Every? E…everyone? Who’s Every?! This spelling is just atrocious and I’m kind of a little offended.

“let her go Eve, she knows what she is doing. ” the gray wolf said.

And now this author isn’t using capitalization or commas! God damn!

“thanks you Winston, it’s good to see SOMEONE is on our side. ” Humphrey said, putting an extra emphasis on on the word “someone”. Eve let out a defeated sigh.

Wait, you put extra emphasis on on the word “someone”? I never would have guessed.

“alright, just promise me you won’t try to do anything that could get you hurt” she sighed, Kate smiled and wrapped her forelegs around her mom, pulling her into a hug.

I think that’s less of a hug and more of a ‘hey play with me’ stance that my dog Gloria does to me. She also nibbles on my fingers. All the time.

“I promise” Kate said, letting go. Eve turned around and began walking back to her den, but was interrupted by Humphrey.

“What, she gets a hug and I don’t?” Humphrey said sarcastically. Eve turned around and saw Humphrey, who was wearing a sarcastic grin and had his forelegs open.

Aha! I knew there was a reason this fic was rated M! Someone somewhere figured out they were a furry thanks to this fic. And no, I’m not going to explain it further. I don’t want to. It’s gross. Much like Queenie, this fic just doesn’t hold water.

Queenie: *mopping floor with a dry dish towel* Fuck off! …although, that was a good one.

Eve rolled her eyes and hugged him tightly, making it nearly impossible for him to breath.

“Don’t push your luck, kid” Eve growled in his ear.

Have Eve and Humphrey seriously not become friends? Sure, Alpha and Omega rules, but there’s got to be some truce. It’s basically Romeo and Juliet but with wolves. Did I just read a different version than everybody else?

“C- c- c-… yes. ” Humphrey choked out. Eve let go and walked away as Humphrey put his paw on his chest breathing heavily. “Kate, sometimes I wonder if your mom is actually trying to kill me” he breathed out. Kate nuzzled him as he regained his breath. The three wolves heard voices and saw Lilly and Garth walking towards them quietly arguing.

…is it going to turn out that Eve is the Blair Witch? That would literally be the laziest plot twist. I would actually be offended if that happened. Because the Blair Witch doesn’t even appear in the original movie. It’s a plausible theory, but by that logic, it’s also a plausible theory that Dr. Claw is just Sneezy from Snow White. I can’t disprove it but it’s stupid nonetheless.

“-y can’t I come with you? You always go places without me. ” Lilly whined, Garth look at her.

Okay, so I have a question. As Humphrey walked over initially, he saw two wolves. So did Eve and Lilly just appear out of thin air? Is there some voodoo bullshit no one’s telling me about?

“well Lilly I would let you come, but right now if you get hurt, it’s going to effect more than just one life” Garth said glancing at his mate.

This isn’t the worst grammar I’ve seen in a fan fiction, but honestly it’s close. It’s less consistent than the tone of any of DC’s movies.

Lilly and Garth’s marriage is the only thing that is keeping peace. If she got hurt or worse, there could be war between the two packs. Not only that, she’s also 2 months pregnant.

Thank you, omnipotent narrator we just now are being introduced to. I was wondering when the Exposition Stew would show up for real.

“but I just-”

“Lilly, not to be mean or anything, but I’m not asking.” Garth said. Lilly lowered her head with a sad “ok” he looked at Lilly and gently kissed her. “its just for the trip there” he stated. “once I find a den and learn my surroundings, you’ll be the first one I’ll bring back” he said. Lilly nuzzled him with an “I love you”. Garth smiled and sat next to Humphrey and Kate.

Oh, this fic’s prose. It’s just atrocious. I don’t know how anyone can read this and call it even a passable diversion for seven year olds like Alpha and Omega was.

“I assume that you’re ready to go now” Winston said, the three wolves nodded. “Alright, good luck, be careful, and please don’t do anything stupid” Winston said as they walked away.

Knowing Humphrey, they’ll certainly get into some wacky hijinks along the way. That is unless the tone of the fic changes dramatically in the next chapter. Which…I wouldn’t put against the author at this point.

“No promises” Humphrey yelled back as they continued walking.

Winston chuckled “That’s Humphrey” he thought to himself As he walked to his den.

Yes, Winston. And that’s Kate, and that’s Garth, and that’s Eve, and that’s Lilly. Now that we’ve done our role call, can this fic excite me? Can something happen? Please?

“bye” Lilly whispered as she turned back to her den.

The trio were walking towards the train tracks. They had planning this for weeks, so they could get everything done right.

And you only told your wolf friends now? I refuse to believe that the secret didn’t slip to anyone at all before the events of this fic. I call bullshit.

“Hey, Wait! ” a voice called behind them,. They turned around to see a gold-brown wolf sprinting towards them. The wolf stopped in front of them panting heavily. “where…are…you…guys…going? ” he asked inbetween pants. They immediately recognized him as Aaron, an omega who had recently joined the pack.

…what?

“oh, we’re going to Idaho to start our own packs” Kate said, Aaron nodded.

…WHAT?!

“ok, but why Idaho? I know a place that needs wolves MUCH more than Idaho.” he said. The trio looked at each other

Wait wait wait hold on! Who’s this Aaron asshole? And weren’t they going to Coffin Rock initially? If not, why is everybody acting like this is the most dangerous shit ever? Contrived, maybe, but dangerous? Hell no.

“what’s that?” Garth asked. Aaron smiled.

“Maryland” Aaron replied

DUN dun DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Was that supposed to be a cliffhanger? You already spoiled the story in the introduction.

Anyway, author’s note!

A/N: alright so this is my first “true” chapter. Sorry if it’s sloppy, I’m typing this on my evo. Please Review.

I guess that explains some things. But the fact that you wrote it on your evo doesn’t make much of a difference storywise. Sorry, excuses can’t help you there.

That’s all the time we have today. So thank you for reading, and I will be back next week. Angie out. *drops unplugged microphone in the puddle of water*

Queenie: For fuck’s sake!

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25 Comments on “1798: Coffin Rock: Retold – Chapter One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Also, isn’t it so insanely coincidental that two groups of people, strikingly similar to each other, both went to the same woods with the same intention?

    I dunno, maybe these particular woods are just eminently filmable.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    blame my 1997 Gateway PC

    This story came out in 2011!

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    I want an alternate version of this fic where Kate shows Humphrey a watch and he absolutely loses his mind.

    I think it’s only appropriate that such a thing be written in the original style of H. P. Lovecraft.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Humphrey rolled his eyes. “thanks for encouragement, Mooch. ” Humphrey replied sarcastically. He sped up to a small trot.

    I’m trying my hardest not to imagine Humphrey just walking but it’s all fast forwarded. I can’t be the only one who thought this.

    I was more imagining how, in some games when an NPC goes from a walking animation to a running animation, their legs won’t be in the same place between them.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Eve turned around and saw Humphrey, who was wearing a sarcastic grin and had his forelegs open.

    I’m trying to think of how that would be possible without him falling over, and all I can think of is that his forelegs have panels on them that pop open to allow mechanics to access his internals.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    the best attack I can do is to say a terrible joke and hope that they fall asleep.

    Pretty sure that’s a third-edition bard spell, actually.

    • BatJamags says:

      I cast Joke of Unconsciousness!

      *Rolls*

      One.

      GoodJamags: The Orcs start cackling hysterically at your witty and incisive humor.

      I take a bow and say “Thank you, gentlemen, I’ll be here all night.”

      GoodJamags: Oh, and they also come up and start hitting you with clubs.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    right now if you get hurt, it’s going to effect more than just one life” Garth said

    You’ll also have to start over at the beginning of the level, and you’ll lose all your powerups!

  8. BatJamags says:

    First of all, use ‘eleven’ and ‘three’, don’t use the numbers.

    Because that’ll just earn you a thwackin’.

  9. BatJamags says:

    Humphrey said as began walking away.

    Kane: Ah, seems to have concluded his business with us.

    Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

    Kane: What do you think?

    Bad, then.

  10. BatJamags says:

    “You know your lack of confidence in us is slightly insulting” Humphrey laughed. The small golden figure turned around and smiled at her mate.

    Darth Humphrey finds your lack of faith disturbing.

  11. BatJamags says:

    “thanks you Winston, it’s good to see SOMEONE is on our side. ” Humphrey said, putting an extra emphasis on on the word “someone”.

    So the author put extra emphasis on the word “someone,” (using CAPS LOCK instead of italics because that doesn’t look childish at all) and then said there was extra emphasis on the word “someone.”

    *Alarms blare*

    Yeah, I was pretty much asking for that one.

  12. For one night only , it's CRB says:

    “YOUR WHAT?” three wolves exclaimed in disbelief, each one appeared to be a different size and shape. One of them shook his head in disbelief.

  13. BatJamags says:

    This isn’t the worst grammar I’ve seen in a fan fiction, but honestly it’s close. It’s less consistent than the tone of any of DC’s movies.

    *Raises finger in protest*

    *Pauses*

    *Lowers finger*

  14. BatJamags says:

    I guess that explains some things. But the fact that you wrote it on your evo doesn’t make much of a difference storywise. Sorry, excuses can’t help you there.

    I don’t know what an evo is, but I can type with perfect grammar and spelling on a smartphone, and I don’t exactly have small hands. And if you can’t type on one device, wait to write until you have one you can use. Or just handwrite. People did that for centuries before the typewriter was invented, so you can too.

    • Angie says:

      That’s true. 90% of the time when you see my riffs or comments, I wrote them with my phone.

      But all things considered, writing on an e-cigarette can’t be very easy.

  15. Angie says:

    So let’s dive into Castle Rock: Retold.

    Oops.


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