1795: Adopted – Chapter ThreePosted: June 21, 2017
Hey, folks! Welcome back to Adopted! Another Raptor and I clone that’s not even trying to pretend it isn’t a Raptor and I clone!
“Hopefully this week we will get to see more raptors.”
Even if we do, I’m not so sure they count as raptors.
“Last time we got introduced to our new Rae! This model of Rae is referred to as Anna and is the kennel help variety as opposed as the original botany flavor. The first thing Anna does when arriving in the island is ignore everyone and then notice the dinosaurs. After that, we went over to the newest model of Sorin called Fitzroy. He banters with his sister over dinner, complains about the parental pressure to marry, and then makes a bet with his sister over that involves sexually assaulting Nedry as the stakes.”
You make it sound so good.
This week opens with the now standard author’s note featuring her copy-pasted disclaimer and a gaggle of responses to her reviews. We’re just going to skip all-
“Wait! What about this one in the middle?”
Angellic dragon: Well, in that order: it’s a surprise, you’ll find out in this chappie, you’ll find out later… oh yeah, and thankies so much!
Oh shit! Bar the door before Ghostie sees this!
*Just as the bar slides into place there is a loud thud at the door followed by enraged screaming*
Well, at least we won’t have to worry about the DRD this week.
I was having the weirdest nightmare. A T-rex was trying to eat me. I kept running but it kept chasing me. I turned round at one point.
“You’re working at a dinosaur park, sweetie. That’s the kind of nightmare you should expect to have.”
Yeah, the weirdest nightmare for working here would be getting assaulted by tap-dancing walnuts wielding flaming Kleenex boxes.
The T-rex was talking to me!
Is it weird that I don’t find that weird?
“Not at all.”
Didn’t think so.
“Anna McNeil, wake up RIGHT NOW!”
I hate it when Gumdrop needs to potty at four in the morning. We need to put in a T-Rex door or something.
I woke up, on the floor – fell outta bed. Phew. At least Rexy wasn’t talking to me.
Stop adding y or ie to everything. It’s not cute, it’s obnoxious.
“The T-Rex is coming from inside the room!”
*Porno music blasts over the intercom system*
Oh, right. It wasn’t a T-rex. It was somebody talking to me on the radio. “Wha…?”
Hurr durr, we stoopid reeder. No make understand of voice in dream!
“The boss having to wake the Rae clone up, check!”
This thing is hitting all the Raptor and I tropes in rapid succession.
Pushing myself up onto my hands and knees, crawling over, I grabbed the radio off the side. You know, that magical place that only mothers and wives can ever find.
The hell is she talking about?
The side of what?
“You’re not a mother or a wife, so you wouldn’t understand; such magics are beyond you.”
You’re not either of those things, so how do you know what she’s talking about!?
“I don’t. We can only know of the magical side, but not about it.”
I hate magic.
I bet Hammond is really glad he hired her about now.
“Is it typical for the idiot comic relief to be the main character?”
Generally not for a romance story, no.
The radio crackled. “Muldoon. Sick animal. Raptor pen. Now. Because it’s your job!“
“Only the best employees need to be reminded why they should be doing work!”
Truly an unparalleled asset to Hammond’s team.
Woah, I thought. Calm down, man.
He would probably be less upset if you would just DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!
But what I really said was, “Geez. Fine. I’m up.”
I’m getting the distinct impression that our Author hasn’t had many real life jobs. Or, if she has, she hasn’t kept them very long.
“Good. Get going and don’t forget your gun. We’ll radio you if there’s any trouble.”
“Shaddup.” Lucky I didn’t say that into the radio.
“How dare he make her work!”
Yeah, as the resident Sue she should be worshiped as she sits on a throne made out of golden statues of her.
That was it? Like fifteen lines of her getting woken up to go to work and her being a grumpy teen about it?
“So you want it to be longer?”
Okay, fair point.
The raptor wasn’t too hard to find, with the noise she was making. I stopped when I got to the edge of the clearing.
“Not all raptors yodel. In fact, mostly it’s just Crunchy.”
Holy crap. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t trained or anything! ? I couldn’t do it! Argh! Whatamigonna –
“You probably shouldn’t have blown off the training, then.”
Yeah, maybe if you could stoop to listening to other people, you’d learn a few things, Ann.
I jumped about a mile in the air when a twig behind me snapped. And screamed. And ran into the clearing.
Because that’s not going to trigger the hunter’s instinct or anything.
“I think I need a snack, she’s acting all delicious!”
Imagine if she were limping, too.
“Now I’m getting really hungry.”
Guess I was less scared of what I could see.
*Eliza stares into the swirling mist of the void* “I’m with Anna. It’s more boring than scary.”
And then I turned around.
“Muldoon! What the fu-”
“You forgot your gun.”
“You scared the crap outta me to say that!”
It’s probably better she isn’t armed with as jumpy as she is.
“You’re just saying that because you’re hoping she gets eaten.”
It can still be good advice even if that’s true.
He just gave me the gun, saying I’d need it. And then he left.
Well, that was pointless.
“Hang on a second! What the hell d’you think you’re –”
“Now that she’s armed, Muldoon is getting out of there.”
I certainly wouldn’t stick around.
The raptor gave a pitiful groan. Yikes! I’d forgotten about her.
Given the buildup we’ve had of Ann, I find it entirely believable that she would have forgotten why she came to the raptor pen.
I knelt down and I could see all her teeth. Oh man, they were really sharp.
“Please don’t hurt me?” I whimpered.
“I suddenly understand what Hammond said about her!”
About her being ‘one of the best’?
“He was talking about flavor!”
Ahhh, now I get it.
The raptor shook her head. Um, wait – what? I blinked. I was blatantly too freakin’ tired. I tried the radio and Muldoon told me to get on with it. Damn. So much for going back to bed and making somebody else do it.
Most of this fic is going to be Ann trying to get out of doing work, isn’t it?
“Seems like we just did something along those lines.”
Not really. In Willow’s case she did jack shit and got away with with; Ann just wishes she were being that useless.
“Umm… okay… what the hell am I s’pposed to do?”
“She’s bad at her job.”
Uh, maybe doing nothing is actually an improvement.
This time I didn’t get an answer. Yup. Definitely too tired.
“Fun fact! When you’re really tired raptors only randomly answer you!”
Huh, is that actually true?
*Eliza shoves a bookcase in front of the door as the screaming resumes*
“We might need another bookcase.”
Lets hope we get a redundancy to distract her.
Sharifa needed help. I could hear her yelling. But you know what? I was still annoyed at her.
I’ve been known to let my friends languish in agony when I’m slightly annoyed with them. Bleeding out a little serves them right for being so obnoxious.
“You know, you’d make a pretty good raptor.”
Crunchy keeps saying that to me. I’m not sure if he means it, or if he’s just trying to upset me.
And anyways, the humans would probably send somebody in to help.
“They’re usually on time, too! And when they aren’t, free dinner!”
And you’re the cute one.
Which they did. I went to watch because the scent of the human wasn’t one that I recognised. Actually, I barely noticed it at first.
So he got up and went to look at what was going on based on something he barely noticed? Author, I’m not sure you understand how noticing things works.
She smelled like fresh air, but then I noticed it was a different type of fresh air.
Welp, we’ve always said there’s always a worst, I think I just found the worst ever ‘like x, but y’ description.
No sulphur from the volcano or anything.
Yeah, you know, the volcano. On the island.
“You mean the dormant volcano in the center?”
Uh, yeah, that one.
It was kinda fun to watch.
*Eliza stares intently into the void again* “Wheee!”
She was having a panic attack. Then that Muldoon guy came along and gave her one of those dark weapon-things. The one that makes a loud noise and hurts you.
There we go! I knew I could count on a Raptor and I fic to replay the same scene twice.
*The enraged screaming is suddenly replaced by the sound of energy propelled exploding aliens*
“Okay, what even is that supposed to sound like.”
*Imagine a howler monkey and a grenade in a blender*
“Great! Thanks, narrator!”
And left her. What a jerk. I mean, seriously. For all he knew, Sharifa was putting it on (she was good at that).
True as that is, the raptor who made a bet where the loser sexually assaults Nedry doesn’t have a lot of room to talk about being a jerk.
The new human had a funny accent and she looked terrified. And she was really pale, too. With really dark hair. And spots on her face…
“Frail, scared, and suffering from some kind of illness, now she sounds even more delicious!”
I think humans call them freckles. Quite pretty, actually. You know, for a human.
Are raptors really about the freckles?
“Meh, I’d rather you monkeys wear colorful hats.”
Argh! Snap outta it!
The human looked petrified.
It made me want to laugh. After all, she was still a human.
“A soft, tasty human.”
I’m suddenly a lot less comfortable about being locked in the room with you.
I watched carefully as she knelt beside Sharifa. If the human did anything wrong to hurt my friend, I was gonna tear her apart.
“Why would he tear his sister apart when there’s a tasty-”
The human, I mean to say. I wouldn’t tear Sharifa apart
I would be murdered brutally by almost the entire male population of the pack.
For killing the annoying one? Yeah, I’m sure the pack would miss her.
“Which one is the annoying one, again?”
I… have no idea, honestly.
That was the interesting thing. Sharifa was popular with the males in the pack.
I think you’re vastly overestimating how interesting that is.
Probably because she was hot, by pack standards.
“Not to mention the top street fighter of Isla Nublar!”
And had a PhD in science!
Of course, I don’t think so. I just think she’s annoying.
I can’t believe I’m actually agreeing with the raptor Stu.
Especially when she calls me Fitzroy. I hate it when she does that!
Oh, so that’s his reason for thinking she’s annoying. Good, then I’m not actually agreeing with him, although the conclusion is the same.
Why can’t she –
Uh-oh. I must’ve growled, because the human spotted me.
“I think he forgot that he’s the raptor in this situation. Fitz, the human noticing you isn’t a problem.”
Well she does have a-
“You’re more than close enough to pounce before she gets away.”
Now she looked really scared.
“That’s actually a move back from terrified on the fright continuum.”
I could see Sharifa glaring at me. I got the message. You scare this kid and I’ll kick your butt
She’s already scared, moron!
I didn’t doubt that she would. Sharifa’s kicked my butt in the past. She does a really good job of it. Damn.
Author! If you’re going to pretend that the raptors don’t know what things like guns are, then you need to actually come up with new colloquialisms for them. As it stands, all your raptors sound like they’re in middle school.
“All her characters sound like they’re in middle school.”
I’m sure that’s just some sort of coincidence.
So I had to go into the open and prove I wouldn’t hurt the human. I don’t want my butt kicked again.
*SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM*
Jr. High Raptors: 7
Three for the butt kicking schtick, one for crap-tastic, and a few left over for the various other juvenile moments.
It’s… not exactly pleasant.
“I’ve never had any complains when I’ve torn something apart with teeth and claws.”
I think I need an adult.
“You are an adult.”
I need a better adult!
Much as I hate to admit it, Sharifa could kick my butt even while she’s ill like this.
Jr. High Raptors: 8
Just, in general, really.
The human was terrified. But hey, it’s not my problem.
So do you care if she’s scared, or not? Pick one!
You also want to eat her.
“That still counts as caring.”
I just sat down and watched, secretly hoping Sharifa would get jabbed in the leg with one of those awful things the humans call needles. Secretly or she’d kill me.
At this point I’m really hoping she does. Two annoying raptors are more than the fic should have.
I mean, she was already glaring.
Dude, if I killed everyone I glared at, the Earth would have like three people on it.
“Don’t blame me,” I told her. “You’re the idiot who ran off.”
Now, now, Fitz, you’re both idiots.
“I blame you,” she growled back.
“Hey, I didn’t –”
“Shut up, you’re scaring the human!”
“Your old friend! Tension through petty bickering.”
Yup, it’s how you build tension when you’re:
Jr. High Raptors: 9
Great, a scene of an annoying raptor whining about her annoying friend. Just what we needed after reading a scene of an annoying raptor whining about his annoying friend.
*The door shudders under the impact of explosive aliens*
“She’s using the gun on the door now.”
It’s probably fine.
Could Roy have actually picked a worse time to be obnoxious?
“It’s sorta who he is. Might as well ask if water could pick a worse time to be wet.”
What about dehydrated water?
“Oops! Completely forgot about that!”
Wait, let me answer that.
I mean, seriously, I was dying here. I even told him so.
“For once it isn’t you being the ddrama llama.”
“You’re not dying,” he told me. “Stop being so dramatic.”
“Don’t bother, Fitz, they never listen.”
“I’m no – OW!” I got jabbed in the leg with one of those things the humans call needles.
If the humans call them needles, and you don’t have your own word for them, just call them needles, moron.
And it hurt like a Denis Nedry. [*1]
“Hey look, a footnote!”
This is going to be stupid, isn’t it? Fine, let’s take a look.
*1 = Dinosaur swearing. Denis Nedry means “son of a bitch” in dinosaur language
I was not adequately prepared for it being that intensely stupid. I just, how did you not know this was stupid, author? I mean, how!?
And that prat Roy was literally rolling around on the floor laughing.
Jr. High Raptors: 10
“This is getting embarrassing, even for me.”
Oh, dear, it’s been embarrassing for quite some time now.
“Emm… it’s okay?” the human was saying.
That bedside manner, though.
Heehee, she sounded really unsure.
Jr. High Raptors: 11
“Where is Big Mama T when you need her? I know a few lucky raptors who could use a trampling.”
“It’s just some morphine,” she told me, “to make the pain go away. Humans really like it.”
Hey, uh, don’t Bogart that morphine.
I could see why. The morphine was really nice. I liked it. The needle was worth it.
“Is this what it looks like to be on strong pain killers?”
Well, this is definitely what it looks like to somebody who’s never actually had any morphine.
I could feel the human wrench my jaws open and stick her hand down my throat.
“Ack! That’s not what I meant by I wanted to have the Sue in my mouth!”
*Porno music blasts over the intercom system*
That’s not what she meant either!
I think I was losing consciousness, but I looked straight at her.
She was young. About the same age as me and Roy, I think. And she was nice, too. For a human.
“I think I just regurgitated a little.”
Suefluence will do that. Just think of Leroy Jenkins and pray for a quick death.
I could tell because she was blatantly trying not to scrape my throat as she pulled out the thing I’d swallowed.
Oh hey, it’s the ‘Raptor swallowed a stupid thing’ plot from Life with Raptors.
“It was a soda can, wasn’t it?”
Yeah, and the only point was to make Denise look bad. And while true that it’s not okay to be flinging your empties into the raptor pen, the likelihood that Denise would have been anywhere near the pen to actually do that is near zero. Nedry was a computer programmer, not a game warden. The only reason this whole arc exists is because the authors can’t help but jerk off their Nedry hate boner onto the page.
“How does a Cola can get in the raptor pen?” the human asked. She turned to me. “You got lucky Muldoon called me out. I’d still rather be asleep, though.”
More importantly, what raptor is stupid enough to swallow a coke can?
“I feel almost miffed that the Raptor and I clone authors think me and my kin are so dim as to not be able to recognize the difference between a metal can and fresh meat.”
I nodded. I was kinda sleepy too.
She gave me a weird look. “Maybe I need more sleep. I must be hallucinating.”
“Taking the first dose of morphine probably wasn’t such a good idea, either.”
Yeah, especially since you could have given it to me!
And then she turned to Roy. “Your friend’s gonna be alright, just tired. Maybe a bit delirious. Emm… see ya.”
Yeah, that’ll happen when you give an animal morphine for a simple foreign object extraction.
And then she scarpered.
“You swallowed that thing how exactly?” Roy asked.
“She put it in her mouth and made a kind of gulping motion.”
Poor guy is so hopelessly dim he needs swallowing explained to him.
“Dunno… I think you two make a cute couple though,” I giggled, falling into weird, morphine-fuelled dreams.
Yeah, provided you can look past the bestiality, they’d make a great couple!
“Hey, the chapter’s over!”
That it is. I’d considered going in for two chapters today, but there’s only so much stupid I’m willing to expose myself to all at once. Until next week, patrons!
We’re actually trapped in here, aren’t we.
“Depends on how you feel about having an exploding alien impact your spleen.”