1791: Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored – Chapter Six, Part Two

Title: Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored
Author: MrAwesomeMattyDA
Media: Video Game
Topic: Tales of Vesperia
Genre: Adventure/Humor
URL: Chapter Six
Critiqued by SC, Teh Specs and Contacts

I bet you thought I was joking about inviting Contacts, huh?

Specs: I was kinda hoping you were.

Contacts: Am I gonna get my head cut off again?

We’re probably about to run smack-dab into a combat scene, so it’s possible.

Contacts: Right, then I’m out of he-

*The sound of a shotgun pump being jacked stops Contacts dead in his tracks*

Sit your ass down.

Contacts: …Right, then I’m staying right where I am, like a good boy.

That’s better.

Hello, and welcome back to Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored, by MrAwesomeMatty! I’m your host, SC, joined by Teh Specs and Contacts, and last time, the gang began the process of getting back together in order to help Flynn combat possibly the least threatening plot that Zaphias has ever faced, because swatting a fly with a precision-guided nuke totally isn’t overkill. Meanwhile, Tai got jumped by Robin Hood and his Merry Men Adecor and Boccos of the Schwann Brigade, the captain of said brigade standing mere feet away and apparently either not noticing or not caring, and as we brought the riff to a close, the odds looked good that a really shitty fight was about to go down, and Specs is none too happy about that prospect.

Specs: Contacts, please kill me, I promise I won’t reflexively turn your weapons against you.

*Contacts shrugs and draws his daggers, then makes a swipe for Specs’ throat, only for Specs’ hands to shoot up, grab Contacts’ wrists and forcibly turn the thief’s blades upon his own eye sockets*

Contacts: AAAAA-YOU FUCKING LIAR-AAAAAGH!!!

Specs: God damn my finely-honed mercenary reflexes!

So yeah, it’s looking to be a fun week. Let’s get started!

Just as Tai finished threatening the two knights to get out of his way, he noticed the conversation with the knight Estelle and Raven were having also with the other man and the dog.

Contacts: What?

Welcome to how MrAwesomeMatty wrote this fic, Contacts. I forget you’ve never seen it before.

Contacts: Yeah, you’ve usually been good about keeping me involved in riffs that I can actually make heads or tails of.

But it suddenly took a chilly fearful turn for him as the group suddenly began running back up into the city, leaving him there with these two bozos in green clothing and armor!

You could have left that at “these two bozos,” Matty, and I would have understood perfectly who you were referring to. Even without having played the game before, it’s not hard for someone to pin down just how big a pair of dumbasses Adecor and Boccos are.

“Wha- Hey, Estelle! Wait!” he called, trying to run after them as he didn’t want to get left behind and be alone in this pit of people.

Contacts: I think, of the various pits I’ve ever come across, a “pit of people” has to be the least awful-sounding. I mean, I’ve seen pits of vipers, pits of spikes, cherry pits – those are annoying to find in a slice of pie, by the way – some bottomless pits that I’m pretty sure weren’t bottomless, but like hell I’m gonna go and investigate that theory…

You know, you say a pit of people isn’t bad, but…

Contacts: …Okay, fuck you for bringing that up.

Unfortunately, he was stopped by the two knights standing side by side in his face, and causing him to take a step back.

Specs: No, you fool! Just blow past them! This isn’t Assassin’s Creed, they’re not competent enough to form a human barricade!

By the way, that and firing lines are among the most aggravating things enemy NPCs do in Assassin’s Creed. Especially when they work, God damn it.

He grunted in frustration as he glared at them and realized what he needed to do. He slowly reached for his bat as the knights held their weapons out at him and got into a battle stance.

“Hey, it’s rude to just run away while you’re talking to someone! It seems this evil doer must be taught manners, Adecor!” the short one said, calling his fellow night by name.

“I say, Boccos, you are indeed right! He shall taste the flavor of imperial justice!” the other replied, readying his sword to attack.

Specs: Does Imperial Justice taste like strawberry?

I was thinking it might be more like chocolate.

Contacts: Lemon. I’m going with lemon. If you can burn someone’s house down with them, you can make Imperial Justice taste like them, it’s science.

Shit, he’s right.

Specs: Damn you, Cave Johnson!

“You know? I’m really not surprised to see why you’re just simple city guards,” Tai said degrading as he shrugged with a taunting yet serious face, unknowing to the three there that they were attracting the attention of a crowd, “You guys suck.”

…Okay, that’s just hurtful, Tai.

“How dare you! I demand you take that back right now!” Boccos ordered as he shook in anger.

“I can’t help it if that’s the truth. But hey; if you got a problem with what I say, then do something about it,” Tai motioned for them to bring it.

He motioned at them to bring it? Oh Christ, does anyone even still use that gesture anymore?

Specs: Is that the mocking little “come hither” hand wave that was a huge diss back in the nineties?

Yeah, and the last time I remember seeing it was when I rewatched the first Matrix movie six years ago.

Contacts: Experience has taught me to never make that gesture. For one, I get laughed at, and the guards I do it to are usually quite happy to oblige, which is bad for my health.

“Very well, foul-mouthed adolescent! I will school you on manners! Prepare to fall!” Adecor yelled as he charged and swung his sword.

As the blade came forward, Tai’s right hand suddenly grabbed the knight’s wrist.

Specs: Hooo boy, here we go…

I feel like, before this fight gets too much further, I should pop some canon-appropriate fight tunes in. Even if it’s a shit fight. And because the game would like the player to believe that Adecor and Boccos count as a boss fight, which they really don’t, but whatever, here we go:

Because dammit, that was fun during my Revengeance riff.

Contacts: It helps that the main boss theme in Vesperia is kind of hard to take seriously.

Yeah, I’ve always thought A Bet On This Bout sounded a bit goofy as far as boss themes go.

Yanking him forward, it caused him to lose his balance to drop his sword.

Specs: I mean, this is Adecor, so I can’t say I’m surprised that he has butter fingers. Hell, he can’t even keep his helmet visor flipped up properly.

And Boccos can’t even put his helmet all the way on, for reasons that are beyond me.

Still having him by the wrist, Tai side-stepped during the yank and thrusted his left knee into the arm, near the elbow.

Specs: …Okay, you remember that he was bringing a vertical slash down on your head, right? You caught his wrist before he could. That means, unless you actually let his attack connect before countering him, that both your arm and his are above head level. Do you understand how high you’d have to throw your knee in order to fuck up his elbow, in this current position? How’s that thrown-out hip feel? Not to good, I’d wager. Plus, why the fuck are you throwing a knee into someone’s arm? There’s no logical reasoning for it. If you want to disarm someone, there are much easier, much more logical means of doing so, and the way that always worked best for me was to stick a fist right in the crook of their elbow and pull their captured forearm hard against it until their strength went out on them. Hand opens, sword falls to ground, I’ve given the poor fuck a dead arm, and he’s practically helpless for the rest of the fight because fending a guy off with only one good hand is pretty hard to do. But given that Adecor has the grip strength of a baby, he already dropped his damn sword, so you bust his arm for literally no reason. And if you’re going to be vindictive like that, it’s far easier to take your free fist, again, and whop their elbow bone good and hard. If you do it right, the arm bends very much in the wrong direction, and that problem is now solved.

Contacts: You know, if Tai can throw knees higher than his own head, he might just have himself a career as a Rockette.

Specs: That was the only thing you paid attention to, wasn’t it?

Badly hurt but not broken,

Contacts: No, but dislocated hips do tend to feel pretty broken.

Speaking from experience?

Contacts: What, you think I’ve been arrested so many times for stealing from nobles and not had the piss beat out of me?

it caused Adecor to yell in pain, but be stopped short as he was unable to stop the incoming elbow to the face.

Specs: Sooo, now you want me to believe that you threw your knee stupid-high, then pivoted around behind Adecor, dislocating his shoulder as you did since you never indicated that you let go of his arm, and somehow managed to break your own free arm in just the right configuration to elbow-drive him in the face, despite being behind him? The fuck am I reading?

Contacts: This is the most self-destructive fight I’ve ever seen.

“Hey!” he heard the other knight say as he ran at them.

Boccos, you have a spear, what the hell are you doing?

Specs: He’s also, like, three feet tall.

…How did the poor fucker get a pikeman job in the first place, now that I think of it?

Specs: I dunno, but it was prior to the Flynn administration, so we can probably blame shitty training protocols.

Contacts: That, or he was an excellent pole-vaulter.

Specs: Ah, so he’s part of the elite pole-vaulting shock troops, I see.

Oh Jesus Christ, that mental image is killing me.

It was though in a blink of an eye Tai made a rapid movement that circled right behind the short one.

Contacts: Did that motherfucker just darkstep?

Don’t tell me Tai was trained by the guys who trained you.

Contacts: I’ma kill him.

Boccos stunned for only a second, it was long enough for him.

…What?

A swift but effective forearm was brought on the head, causing him to drop his spear.

Or, more likely, you knocked his helmet onto the ground since it doesn’t fit on his head right in the first place, and he was a bit sore but otherwise unharmed.

Specs: I like that one, let’s go with that one.

Before he could react, Tai swung his right leg upward, causing Boccos to be knocked up into the air.

Specs: DON’T PUNT THE SMOL KNIGHT!

Contacts: Goooooooooaaaaaaaaaaal!!!

And as the knight started to come down, the teen grabbed his bat and dropped into a baseball stance, readying the timing.

Specs: DON’T HOME RUN THE SMOL KNIGHT!!!

Meanwhile, Estelle stole third and is running home.

“Rrgggh!” a growl came out of him as he swung.

Where will you be when the hemorrhoids hit?

Like a home run, the bat connected with Boccos’ body as he came down. It sent him flying like a ball, right into Adecor, who was dizzy from the two blows he had gotten. Smashing into each other, they went shrieking into the air and crashed right near the water fountain.

Which promptly fucking exploded. Again.

Specs: Well shit, how am I supposed to be mad at that paragraph? That was actually kind of hysterical.

And would you believe we still have yet to jump the shark, audience?

Tai slowly dropped into his fighting stance

Looked a bit like this:

Contacts: …Why, though?

Blue spruce trees.

*Bifocals screams*

Specs: There was no call for that.

and walked up the ramp, awaiting the knights’ next move. However, the sudden cheering of the crowd and compliments made him slowly ease up and put his bat back. He walked over to see that both Adecor and Boccos were completely knocked out, from the powerful attacks he did.

Specs: *snerk* Yeah, sure.

Twitching and having swirls for eyes, their slight sighs of pain made Tai stare unimpressed.

Ah yes, the “I got fucked up bad” anime trope. I don’t care that I find it funny, it still has no place in a literary medium.

“Three hits…? You mean to tell me they went down with only three hits each?” he thought, marveling at which was true; him being very strong, or the duo being really weak.

The second one.

Oh, and by the way, you took out Adecor with two hits and a projectile buddy, and Boccos got three hits and projectiled into Adecor’s face. If we count the projectile attack, that equals three and four hits, respectively. Nice counting, dipshit.

Contacts: As soon as you said “projectile buddy,” the very first thing I thought of was:

*snerk* You know, that actually works.

He sighed and said, pointing to them, “Being rude, jumping to conclusions, getting into my personal space, categorizing me as a criminal with no proof, and being defeated after three hits, when the majority was just my fists and feet… you two are the most pathetic excuses for knights I’ve ever seen.”

Bro, I told you.

Also, again, not three hits, and it was actually mostly elbows and knees. By the way, when did you learn Muy Thai?

Contacts: Don’t you mean, “Muy Ta-”

*BKAM!*

Do not.

“HALT, YOU!”

“Oh my freaking gosh, what now!?” he said out loud

Pushing his nerd glasses back up onto the bridge of his nose as he did.

*SC adjusts his glasses*

as he turned to see some other knight with a black mustache and orange and red clothing with armor run down the ramp and approach him.

Ah, and here comes the cavalry.

So, this is Leblanc. He’s the second-in-command of the Schwann Brigade, and rather than try to explain his character for you, I’ll just let his dialogue speak for itself:

So yeah, Leblanc is loud, obnoxious, and as later encounters with the Shit Squad show, kinda full of himself.

“Kinda.”

But, again, when it comes time to knuckle down, Leblanc is pretty damn good at his job, and really, it’s impossible to hate the guy. Get annoyed by him? Sure. Hate him? No.

“Halt! I am Captain Leblanc of the Schwann Brigade!

YOU ARE NOT CAPTAIN OF ANYTHING, YOU SORRY FUCK! RAVEN IS THE CAPTAIN OF THE SCHWANN BRIGADE!

Who do you think you are, attacking my men like that? There is a capital offense for fighting knights, which can end up with several years in prison and a fine of ten thousand gald!” he yelled in a bold and deep tone.

Contacts: I’d like to say that Leblanc is being too handbook-y with his dialogue right now, but… well…

Specs: Heliord?

Contacts: Heliord.

“Then you should tell your men to stop picking fights with random people. I’m minding my own business, and next thing I know, your lackeys started getting in my face and accusing me of being some sort of criminal,” Tai said, getting a bit irritated.

“Hah! Highly doubtful. They can spot a criminal miles away.

…Should we tell him?

Specs: It would break his little heart.

Whatever you’ve done, you’re going to answer for it! Now surrender!” the ignorant knight ordered, pulling his sword.

It was like something snapped in his head as he couldn’t stand these people and this city anymore.

Oh shit, I thought we had switched over to Leblanc’s perspective for a second, there. I was gonna be all, “wow, someone needs a spa day.”

Contacts: It really did read like Leblanc secretly wanted Zaphias to burn, there.

Specs: Well, not so secretly, now.

With a roar of anger, he raised his left arm and his glove glowed again. Immediately, screams and shouts of surprise and fear came as Leblanc and the crowd were forced back by the greenish-black energy creating a wall. Tai grunted and turned, sprinting down the ramp and running out of the city. He could hear the knights shouting for him to stop and some managing to chase after him, but with his speed, he managed to get out of the city. Running as fast as his legs could carry him, he was a tad… well… furious as he ran outside the city and began heading back to the path of Deidon Hold.

…How many redundancies was that?

Specs: I dunno, three?

*At least three.*

Contacts: I wanna try something… SHIT, I BET I COULD STEAL ALL THEIR MONEY BEFORE SYL GETS HERE!

*Sounds of rampant swashbuckling free trading in the hall*

Contacts: You know, there’s some upsides to having this hate-hate relationship.

I can’t believe that worked.

“You guys better not freaking leave me here…” he muttered through his gritted teeth.

Too late, shithead!

Skit – Damn it

You know, I almost feel like I could cut out the skits in future updates, but I’ll go ahead and leave this one in since we’re right at the end of the chapter.

Tai: (grumpy face)

Oh, freaking damn great;

This dialogue is fucking gold.

this is wonderful. Not only do they just up and walk away leaving me there in a place I’m not comfortable or have no knowledge of, (furious face, gritting his teeth)

but now I’m labeled as a damn criminal because a pair of stupid, ignorant dumbbells just judge me on what I look like!

Contacts: Ah, profiling.

You don’t really get to complain, though, you go out of your way to look like a thief.

Contacts: Well, yeah.

Damn it; Damn it all to hell!

(closes eyes) Estelle… (head moves down, the shadows covers his eyes, his mouth covered by his hoodie) Raven… (grumpy face, opens eyes) You better have a good reason for leaving me behind.

Because you don’t dance, and if you don’t dance, well you’re no friend of mine.

*Contacts sticks his head out the riffing chamber door*

Contacts: SYL, WAIT! PLEASE KILL ME!

Uh-oh, seems like ol’ Raven and Lady Estelle seemed to have forgotten their promise and their comrade it was given to behind.

What?

Now all breaks loose and Tai loses his cool. What will he do IF he catches up to the group? Keep on reading and find out more.

This sounds like an outro for an episode of Justice League.

Well, that’ll do it for chapter six! Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! More Tai being a whiny bitch! More dumb, possibly villainous plots! More badly written combat! And more NINJA WARRIO- wait, no, that’s wrong. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Teh Specs and Contacts, I’ll see you next time!

Specs: …Man, you had fun with Google today.

Oh yeah. It was a goldmine.

Contacts: I came here expecting Specs to get pissed, and instead I just feel confused and largely unsatisfied. What the hell, man?

To be fair, I don’t think any of us expected that fight scene to be quite so… that.

---