1784: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter OnePosted: June 8, 2017
Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Topic: Justice League
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags and BadJamags)
WARNING: This chapter contains references to sex trafficking. *Sigh* At least it’s nothing graphic or detailed.
BadJamags: Hello once again, dear patrons, and- Hey, wait a minute! What is this bullshit?
What is what bullcrap?
BadJamags: Why do I have a nametag and you don’t?
Because I’m cooler than you are. Now shut up and do the intro.
BadJamags: I can’t do both of those things at the same time.
Don’t be a jerk. *Sigh* Hello once again, patrons. I’m your guest host, GoodJamags, and this guy is BadJamags, who is sort of me, except I come from a reverse-alignment alternate dimension, and he comes from this dimension. Also, he swears a whole bunch and is kind of creepy.
BadJamags: *Raises finger in protest*
BadJamags: *Lowers finger*
Today, we’re doing a Justice League fic. If you’ve checked the ff.net link, you’ve noticed something about the story’s length.
BadJamags: Namely that it’s FUCKING LONG.
However, I couldn’t resist riffing it, for reasons which you’ll see below, so I figure I’ll just take it in five-chapter chunks, and take breaks to do other fics in between.
BadJamags: Now, allow me to introduce the fandom.
No. I’ll do it. The Justice League (which sometimes has an “of America” stuck on the end) is the superhero team. Not the first; that was the Justice Society of America. The League, though, was the inspiration for the Fantastic Four and the Avengers, and has been DC’s main superhero team for years, with the slight exception of a brief period in the mid-eighties when the Teen Titans were more popular (mostly because the Wolfman/Perez-era Titans were awesome and the Detroit-era League was awful, but I’m getting off-topic here).
The League has had a fluctuating roster for a long time, but they’re primarily known for two main rosters. The first of these would be the founding members from the comics: Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, the Hal Jordan Green Lantern, the Barry Allen Flash, Aquaman, and of course Superman and Batman. The second of these would be the founding members from the animated series, which were pretty similar, but used the John Stewart GL, the Wally West Flash, and Hawkgirl instead of Aquaman. I love the comic continuity, but the animated series was pretty much my introduction to the concept of a superhero, so that lineup will always hold a special place in my heart.
The reason I bring up these two groups is because I’m not quite certain which continuity this fic is based on. Fanfiction puts comic-based JL fics and animated-based ones in the same category. We’ll have to wait and see what the JL looks like when they show up.
BadJamags: Now, you can forget most of that, because this fic is primarily about Batman. That’s why I told this clown that we shouldn’t do a third Batman fic in a row. We really do have other interests! Honest!
Don’t be silly. This’ll be fun! Then we’ll do a Star Wars fic or something. Ooh, maybe Red vs. Blue! I found a couple bad ones from there.
BadJamags: Alright! Fine! Just riff the summary already.
Lost and forgotten by the people of the world Jayden Warney takes it upon himself to start his own team of heroes.
Well, this guy already sounds like an edgelord.
With all is knowledge, power and intellect he vows to rid Gotham of all its evil.
BadJamags: Yeah, good luck on that, asshole. It may take you a while
Will he succeed or will Batman and his team stop him before he is lost to his ways. Story arcs and multiple Oc’s.
Well, this looks promising.
Violence and bad language.
BadJamags: Ooh, fun!
You’re not going to think that once we actually get to the violence and bad language, I’m betting.
BadJamags: Yeah… I’m just excited not to be reading MissScorp’s rambling bullshit.
Chapter 1: Shadow Year One
Yes, we can see the chapter number and title up above. No need to repeat it.
BadJamags: … Literally the first line of the fic, everyone.
Luckily, I know that the DRD only shoots you.
*DRD agents bust in and headshot GoodJamags in the head*
BadJamags: Do they, now?
Authors Note: Hello Batman fans Shadow Knight here. I had just finished my Arkham Asylum/City stories and now I am doing a reboot of my character.
BadJamags: Ah, so we’ll be following a pre-existing Stu, here. Also, why are you addressing Batman fans, when you’re posting a Justice League fic?
I am also doing a team of Shadow Warriors like the justice league and I need a few OC’s. If you have any ideas for an OC here is a list of requirements.
BadJamags: Oh, lovely. This is never a bad idea.
Name: Real Name and Alias
BadJamags: By day, (s)he is Whirlybat von Flubbertybubble, mild-mannered (teenager?), but by night, (s)he becomes the LIBRARIAN!
Bio: Age, eye color, nationality, hair color and gender.
BadJamags: (S)he is [y/a] years old, has Sin Black eyes (or sometimes [y/e]), is a citizen of the Library (or [y/c]), has You Gotta Have Blue Hair hair (or [y/h]), and his/her gender is something of a point of confusion.
Wardrobe for both street clothes and when they are crime fighting.
BadJamags: (S)he wears vague, Void-y clothing sometimes except when (s)he wears something else.
BadJamags: (S)he’s… odd.
BadJamags: (S)he has the power to ice skate on a small frozen puddle without ice skates, low-level super strength, and the ability to be sacrificed to reader-fics and the like so that I don’t have to be in there.
BadJamags: If his/her enemies ever found out about her devastating weakness to running into people, it could spell disaster!
BadJamags: She was born… From a bad readerfic! DUN DUN DUN!
*Respawning in Void-y clothing*
I love how it specifically has to be a dark past. They can’t just get superpowers and decide to help people or anything like that.
If you have any ideas please send me a Private Message. Okay let’s get this story started.
Please do. This author’s note has gone on quite long enough. But at least there’s a line break at the end of the tunnel.
BadJamags: That’s not how that expression goes.
The night was cold as snow slowly fell to the ground and covered Gotham. Even in the winter Gotham still looked dirty with its inhabitants being mostly thieves, corrupted cops and serial killers.
BadJamags: Sounds like my kind of place.
Wait. Its inhabitants are mostly thieves, corrupted cops, and serial killers? Wow. I mean, I always thought that Batman’s enemies had an unusually high number of henchmen, but that’s pretty crazy.
One place in particular was a gothic night club that secretly drugged women and sold them off as prostitutes for the Maroni crime family.
That plan seems like it would have no drawbacks whatsoever. I mean, sure, they have no way of knowing who they’re kidnapping, but it’s not like any of these women might have loved ones who could trace their disappearance back to the club. That would be ridiculous.
Above the night club a lone warrior who wore a long black leather coat a mask that covered his mouth and a pair of sunglasses that were actually designed by Wayne enterprises. A crow that was perched over the main door let out a few caws before flying up and landing on the warriors shoulder.
BadJamags: Really? This guy’s trying way too hard to look cool. First of all, this is a superhero fandom. “Warrior” is kind of pushing it. Second of all, longcoats are cool, but kind of overdone. Third of all, I’d want a mask that would cover up my hair, since that seems like it would be rather easy to identify. Fourth of all, sunglasses are cool, but in a fight, they’re probably going to break or fall off, which leaves his eyes exposed and destroys any worthwhile functions the shades had. Fifth of all, somebody should’ve noticed this dumbass crow just sort of chilling out on the door of a nightclub.
“Hello Jake,” The young man said as he held his left hand out. “What do you got?”
Jake the crow leaned his beak in and dropped a silver necklace with a small sapphire gem at the end.
Stu: No, you idiot, you were supposed to steal a wallet, not a fucking piece of jewelry! What am I even supposed to do with this? I don’t know any fences! I need cash!
“Hmm, she actually did it.” He thought out loud. “Well, now I won’t get anywhere sitting here.”
Well, other than announcing your presence to anyone near this building by saying everything out loud.
He slid off the edge of the roof and fell four floors down to the ground. Before he could hit the ground he activated his belt and an invisible barrier appeared between his feet and the ground causing him to land safely on the ground.
“I love my anti-gravity field.” He said as he walked around the corner of the alleyway and crept around the corner to see two guards guarding the doors.
BadJamags: Did… did he just do a “Luckily my powers will protect me?”
Yep. Furthermore, how did this idiot get an anti-gravity field? Batman doesn’t have an anti-gravity field, and he would totally use one if he could get it, and he’s one of the richest men in the world, so if it exists, he can totally get one.
[Note from THE FUTURE! It never shows up again. At least not through Chapter… I think I’m on 11.]
He let out a chuckle as walked over to them. They both looked him up and down as one of them looked at a list.
Guard: I just won tryhard bingo!
“Name?” The guard asked in a gruff voice.
BadJamags: I already told you! It’s Whirlybat von Flubbertybubble.
“Shadow.” The boy said in a devious voice.
What’s so devious about it? And I guess I should’ve expected his name to be that generic.
“What kind of stupid name is that?” He asked.
BadJamags: A boring, generic, edgelordy one?
“You’re mother loved it when she screamed it last night.” Shadow snickered.
Aaaand that’s why I chose to riff this story. Our hero is supposed to look all edgy and cool… and he un-ironically makes a “your mom” joke. Seriously.
Unfortunately the guard did not find it too funny.
BadJamags: Neither did we. The kid needs to try harder.
No! He’s already trying way too hard!
“Fuck you ya little punk!” He shouted as he pulled out a glock and pointed it at Shadow’s head.
Well, that’s a bit of an overreaction.
BadJamags: *Grumbling* I’d shoot the asshole.
Shadow swiped his hand up and the gun went flying in the air as he reached into his coat and pulled out a .44 Shepard. The glock fell into his left hand and he pointed both guns at the guards.
BadJamags: I’m going to go with no. He got shot in the head and his brains are leaking across the road. If not by the first guard, then by the second as soon as he disarmed the first guy. And there’s no way he knocked the gun out of the first guy’s hand in such a way that he was able to catch it as it was falling. It’d be a bit more believable if he’d just grabbed the gun, but that’s just too much.
“Now, I need to get inside and you two don’t need a bullet in either of your heads.” He said smugly. “So why don’t you open those doors and we can all go home happy okay?” He asked.
Not a fan of heroes killing in DC or Marvel, since compared to all the guys who do hero stuff without killing, they come across like they’re just being jerks for the sake of being jerks (Punisher, I’m looking at you). However, Shadow here could be bluffing, so I’ll cut him some slack until he actually kills somebody. In a setting where the heroes are more trigger happy, this would make a bit more sense, but it’s a little iffy here.
The two nodded slowly as the one guard unlocked the doors and Shadow turned his attention to the one who he mouthed off to earlier. “You, do you know where they are keeping those kidnapped girls?”
BadJamags: Shadow’s got poor form here. He should keep his attention primarily focused on the guard who’s still armed. Guard #2 is currently facing away from Shadow, who is focused somewhere else. That makes it a lot easier for him to pull his gun without being noticed, turn, and fire.
Also, why would a bouncer know about the secret activities inside the club? I mean, maybe they do, but it seems more secure to keep the outside guards in the dark.
“Y-Yeah, downstairs in the basement,” He stuttered. “That’s where they have their ‘private’ sessions for partiers who want a good time.”
So, how many girls do they have down there? The narration at the top made it sound like this was an ongoing slave ring, but this sounds like they’re all just stowed in the basement of this one building, which, while still awful, kind of changes the logistics and scale that we’re dealing with here, and limits the number of them that the infrastructure can reasonably hold without giving away what’s going on.
“Well that’s good,” He said in a chipper voice before bringing the butt of the glock onto his head knocking him out cold. “Because I’m looking for a good time, you get that door open yet?”
BadJamags: Ah, now it’s that guard whose brains are leaking across the street.
Getting the door open had nothing to do with his looking for a good time. And why is it taking this other guard so long to open the door?
The guard nodded before Shadow knocked him out too and proceeded into the club.
BadJamags: See, it would’ve made sense for the other guard to be getting ready to attack, so I suppose this story can’t do that.
The night club was just like he thought it would be. Loud techno music, fog on the floor, strippers in black leather panties and bras with black eyeliner and lipstick it was all so pathetic. The dancers moved at a fast beat as the music destroyed their eardrums. The dancers were all young teens who wore either long black coats and spiked necklaces or skimpy skirts with torn stockings.
Hey, Shadow, it sounds like they’re almost as edgy as you are!
“Now these guys were loved too much or not enough when they were kids.” Shadow grumbled as he looked around for the basement.
BadJamags: Well, somebody’s making generalizations.
He walked over to one of the bouncers but they told him to see the manager. All it took was a twenty dollar tip and he was leading him straight to the manager’s office. He opened the metal door and the inside was just as strange and twisted as the club.
Sounds like a pleasant working environment for someone who’s most likely a businessman.
The walls were all black and the floor was all lit up giving the room a creepy glow.
Also, you realize that’s the equivalent of shining a flashlight under your face, right?
Shadow was hardly fazed as he pushed past the guards and slammed his hands on the black desk that stood between him and the manager. He wore a black coat with a furry collar and black jeans with combat boots. His hair was black and his skin was pale as he smirked at Shadow.
Wait, when did we start reading My Immortal?
BadJamags: Back up at the beginning of the story:
One place in particular was a gothic goffik night club
Ah. See, since this is Gotham, I figured it was referring to the architectural style, not Goth subculture.
BadJamags: I was hoping it was barbarians.
“Welcome to Purgatory my name is Damien.” He said with a menacing tone.
BadJamags: But he doesn’t have a reason to be menacing. I guess he just kind of tries to intimidate everyone he meets.
Wasn’t Purgatory the name of a bar or something in Mass Effect? That was the place on Omega, right?
“Like the son of Satan my name is Shadow as in deaths shadow.” Shadow grunted.
Wow. You meet someone and immediately compare them to the son of Satan? Rude. And “shadow” is a common enough word that it’s not really “as in” anything. You’re just being edgy again.
“Now that we have the formalities out of the way I’m here for only one reason.” He then leaned in closer so that he and Damien were face to face. “I want those girls released.”
BadJamags: No, you hack! You’ve got to scope the place out first! Find out about the basement, check it out, see if you can spring the girls before confronting the asshole, and make sure you have an escape route ready! You don’t just go mouthing off to your target!
I am very scared by how much you know about this.
BadJamags: Don’t worry about it.
Damien raised an eyebrow and played the innocent bystander routine.
“Girls, what girls?” He asked as if completely oblivious. “The only girls I know are the ones dancing of their free will downstairs. You can’t hold me responsible for what they do after they leave.”
BadJamags: That’s more plausible deniability than innocent bystander. He’s acting like he didn’t know about the crime, not like he saw it happen as a neutral third party.
*Edges away slowly*
He said as he turned to look down at the dance floor. His arrogance was starting to get on Shadows nerves.
BadJamags: Wait, so the room looks down on the dance floor? Would’ve been nice to have that established.
And he’s not being all that arrogant.
“I’m not asking you for the girls I’m demanding the girls,” Shadow grumbled as he sat down in front of his desk. “What happens to you or your shitty nightclub is of no concern.”
Shadow’s doing a lot of grumbling in places where it really just doesn’t make sense.
Damien let out a high pitched laugh as he turned back to face Shadow.
“You really don’t know who you’re messing with do you?” He snickered.
Damien: I’m Batman.
“You’re just an errand boy for the Maroni crime family.” Shadow snickered as he placed his feet on Damien’s desk. “Now, are you gonna give the girls or not?”
BadJamags: And there’s also a lot of snickering going on.
You’re not you when you’re hungry. Have a Snickers.
“They belong to me now Shadow,” Damien said, his voice starting to shake. “They are nothing to no one anymore. I am just putting those whores to use.”
Hey, Damien, care to pile on some more villain clichés? You’re not as uninspired as Matthew Berkeley yet.
“Well one hundred weeping mothers and one hundred pissed off fathers happen to disagree and now I have my answer.”
BadJamags: So you’re storing (at least) a hundred girls in the basement of one building. Holy shit, you’re a moron. Or it’s a big-ass building. Or it’s a big ass-building.
I think most of those things are true.
He pulled out his magnum and glock and fired both guns at Damien landing two shots into his chest.
I thought he had a Shepard (which was, presumably, his favorite gun on the Citadel), not a magnum.
BadJamags: I guess Damien was feeling lucky.
Damien went flying through the window and down to the club floor as Shadow pushed his feet on the desk and rolled to his feet behind the guards behind him. He smacked the butt of the guns on the back of their heads and knocked them out cold.
BadJamags: Maybe that’s why the other two guards didn’t attack him: these guys have god-awful reaction times.
Shadow then ran towards the window and jumped out of the office landing on the dance floor. The dancers had already started running for the doors as Damien ran towards the basement.
No, Damien’s dead. He was shot twice in the chest, crashed through a window, and fell at least one story onto a hard surface. I mean, he could survive, but he’s not going to be getting up for a little while.
Shadow went to follow him when he was interrupted by a couple of guards with handguns. Shadow took cover behind the bar and pulled out his guns. The guards fired blindly at Shadow until they were out of bullets. Shadow took the opportunity and fired his magnum at the two. He landed two shots into each of the one in the arm and the leg. They both fell to the ground as Shadow chased after Damien.
BadJamags: This is just pathetic. Couldn’t these guards have tried to flank Shadow while they had him pinned down? Did they seriously just stand there and fire blindly at the bar until they went “DURR! BOOM-BOOM STICK NO MAKE BULLETS ANYMORE!”?
He found the basement door that led to a dark hallway and went down it. Shadow walked down the hallway as he saw multiple girls slumped on the ground and drugged out of their minds. Shadow grunted in disgust as he went after Damien. He chased him out of the basement and into an alleyway where Damien ran towards his car but before he could get in Shadow had fired multiple rounds at the car taking out its tires.
So… the basement where one hundred girls are being kept is a single hallway behind an unlocked door. Correction: behind two unlocked doors. The one in the club and the one leading into the alley, which seems unguarded, so Shadow could’ve snuck in that way.
BadJamags: And how many bullets does Shadow have, anyway? We’ve yet to hear anything about him reloading.
Damien snarled at Shadow and ran to the back of his car and popped the trunk. He pulled out a katana in a black sheath and drew his blade.
BadJamags: And this idiot is bringing a sword to gunfight!
“You really have no idea who you’re messing with do you?”
You already asked that.
He shouted as Shadow drew his black straight sword with a red ribbon tide at the end.
BadJamags: You have guns! Use them!
“You’re not a warrior,” Shadow said in a monotone voice. “You’re just another criminal running out of time.”
Why did this have to be monotone? And he didn’t say he was a warrior!
Damien let out a battle cry as he brought his sword down at Shadow who raised his blade and blocked his attack.
BadJamags: He wouldn’t have even gotten near Shadow if Shadow had just used his damned guns.
Damien then swung his sword wildly at Shadow causing sparks to fly with each impact to his blade.
You fail at swords on literally every level.
They locked blades again but Damien landed a kick to Shadow’s stomach and knocked him on the ground.
BadJamags: Sure, let’s just ignore the fact that if they were locking blades, it would be very awkward for him to kick Shadow’s stomach, and that sweeping his legs out from under him would be a more physically possible way of achieving the same end result.
Shadow looked up and his eyes widened as Damien brought his sword down to stab his head.
Oh, alright. Guess the fic ended faster than I expected. Time to go home, guys!
Shadow barely rolled out of the way in time as the tip of the sword sliced the right side of his cheek. Damien tried to pull his sword out of the ground but he had stabbed it so hard into the ground he got it stuck. Damien let out a frustrated growl and started to stomp on Shadow’s chest and head for a minute before Shadow was able to push him off.
BadJamags: Alright, I give up on trying to figure out how these two idiots are positioned relative to each other.
“You’re good asshole I’ll give you that,” Shadow said as he pulled down his mask and spat out blood. “But you aren’t even close to taking me down. Now, you can either just tell me who you’re working for or I can make you tell me while I hack you to pieces!”
I thought you knew he was working for the Maronis. And I’d like to point out that Shadow is the one spitting out blood here.
“Go to hell!” Damien shouted.
He then ran over to his sword that was still stuck in the ground and ripped it out. Shadow trailed his fingers along his belt as his fingers bumped onto small little handles. He whipped out three small throwing knives and threw them at Damien, two stuck his arms and one hit his stomach. He let out a gasp of air and fell to the ground his sword glittering to the ground.
BadJamags: YOU HAVE GUNS! THERE IS NO NEED FOR THROWING KNIVES!
And the sword “glittered” to the ground?
He laid on the ground breathing heavily as Shadow towered over him. His eyes widened as he held the tip of his sword to his chin.
Pronouns! You’re using them wrong.
“I bet when you woke up this morning you didn’t think at nine’ o’clock you would be bleeding in an alleyway did ya?” Shadow chuckled.
BadJamags: Most people don’t think that when they wake up, no.
“Your screwed buddy,” Damien whispered. “My boys are on their way soon and they’ll kill you.”
Wrong form of “you’re,” author.
“We’ll see about that.” Shadow responded as he picked Damien up by the collar of his coat.
BadJamags: That sounds like an awkward way to carry someone.
Two cars pulled up outside of the club each carrying four men armed with either a shotgun or an assault rifle.
So, four guys with one weapon between them, which could either be a shotgun or an assault rifle. I’d say that the hit squad had budget cuts, but I figure it’s got to be pretty expensive to get a Schrödinger’s Gun. It’s also dirt cheap. In fact, it’s both until you buy it and find out.
They were about to storm the building when they all stopped to see a white piece of paper tapped to the door with the word ‘Alley’ written on it.
The lead thug shrugged his shoulders as he led his men down the alleyway.
BadJamags: I love how they don’t question this at all.
They walked a few minutes before they started hearing muffled cries in the distance. They walked over to see someone tied to a chair with a bag over his head.
Where Shadow got the rope, the bag, and the chair is a story for another day.
“Who’s that?” One thug asked.
“Why don’t ya take the bag off his head and find out ya moron?” Another thug snapped.
“Don’t call me a moron ya schmuck!” He yelled back as he ripped the bag off the tied up person to reveal it to be Damien.
Is that dialogue supposed to be funny?
“Hey isn’t this the freak we trust to get us the girls?” He asked.
“Yeah, but what’s he doing tied up?” Another thug asked.
BadJamags: If I had to hazard a guess, it’s probably because someone tied him up.
“Obviously the punk who’s making a move on us.” The lead thug snapped.
Really? I’m shocked.
He then heard something beeping beneath Damien’s coat and moved his hand over to unzip it ignoring Damien’s muffled cries. When he unzipped it his question was answered when he saw a round circular device blinking red with a vote for Dent sticker on it.
BadJamags: “Vote for Dent?” Really? That’s not ironic, that’s just sad.
What he’s getting at is that this is probably a reference to the fact that in canon, Sal Maroni is the one responsible for Harvey Dent/Two-Face’s condition.
“Oh shit a bomb!” They all yelled as the bomb flashed a bright light.
Gah! They got character blobbed!
“It’s a flash bang!” One thug yelled.
Thug #2: Glad you exposited that for me, Bob! Otherwise, the audience wouldn’t be able to tell!
They all stumbled around bumping into each other as Shadow dropped down in the center of the group. He swiped on thugs legs and knocked him on the ground before smashing his fist into his face. He then brought his boot to the side of another thugs head knocking him out cold and landed a punch to the center of another guys face.
BadJamags: This trap relies on:
1: The thugs notice the note on the door.
2: The thugs do what the note on the door says
3: The thugs are all looking at Damien when the flash bang goes off.
4: Shadow is able to take them down before they recover and shoot his ass.
BadJamags: What I’m saying here is that this is a shitty trap.
A few thugs started to get their vision back and reached for their guns but before they could pick them up Shadow knocked their heads together and delivered a haymaker across their faces. They both fell to the ground as Shadow finished off the remaining thugs. He stood over the broken bodies as he recognized that the men that Damien was working for were Maroni’s men. Damien still tied and gagged in his chair started whimpering as Shadow kicked him down onto the ground and pointed his magnum to his chin.
Didn’t Shadow already know that Damien was working for the Maronis? What is the point of this extended interrogation and fight? Can’t he just go get the girls out of the basement and run for it before any more hitmen show up?
“Now, here’s what’s going to happen,” Shadow said as he cleared his throat. “This whole auctioning off women is over. You are going to shut this club down and tell Maroni that if he even thinks about kidnapping another woman that I’ll cut his balls off. Now what did I just say?”
Damien swallowed as he started to tremble.
“You want us to stop auctioning off women, you want the club gone and Maroni should stop kidnaping women or you’ll cut his balls off.” He repeated.
BadJamags: Or you could hand Damien in to the cops. There’s more than enough evidence to convict him and shut the club down legally.
“And who am I?” Shadow snarled as he pressed the barrel to his chin.
“S-Shadow.” He stuttered.
“No. Who. Am. I?”
“I don’t know.” He whimpered.
“That’s right you don’t know, let that keep you up at night.
Not sure why that in particular would keep him up at night, but alright. Whatever.
This time was a warning next time I see you stepping a single toe out of line I’ll put you down like the dog you are.” He then holstered his gun and started to walk away before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a photo. “By the way this girl went missing tonight have you seen her?”
“Y-Yeah, she’s locked up in the basement.” He said.
“Thanks.” Shadow said before landing a kick to his head knocking him out cold.
BadJamags: So… Shadow was about to walk away, but since Damien knows about the girl, he instead decides to knock Damien out? Huh?
Shadow then made his way to the basement and started kicking down doors. He freed multiple girls from their rooms before he came upon one last door.
“Multiple” isn’t a number, author. Try to give us a sense of scale. I don’t need exact figures, but something like “scores” or “at least fifteen” or something like that would help clear things up.
He kicked it down and saw multiple girls hiding behind just one young woman with red hair and blue eyes. She looked at Shadow and smiled as she ran over to him and wrapped her arms tightly around him.
“Hey Ally.” He smiled as he led everyone out of the basement.
BadJamags: Earlier, he said that the girls in the hall were “drugged out of their minds.” “Ally” (Is that even a real name? Like, is it supposed to be short for Allison? Because, I’m reading it like “alliance”) seems perfectly sober.
Shadow sat on the ledge of the roof with his mask off as Ally sat next to him. The two looked down at the cops arresting the thugs and helping the girls to ambulances as sirens wailed and lights shined in the darkness. Ally turned and planted a small kiss on his cheek causing the warrior to blush.
“My hero.” She swooned as she nuzzled her face into his shoulder.
I can’t even tell whether this line is supposed to be ironic or not.
[Note from THE FUTURE: I’m pretty sure this was written before my blushing-rage joke was a thing, and I’m far too lazy to go back and add that in. So just imagine BJ went all “GAH I’LL KILL YOU” and got tranquilized and then woke up]
“I’m no hero,” He said in a low voice. “I’m just trying to make the city a better place.”
BadJamags: I’m not sure I’ve ever read a more clichéd story.
“Ugh, Jayden please you did good tonight, you helped saved these girls from a terrible fate.” She said with a toothy grin. “With some help from you’re sidekick.”
“Please you just activated the tracking chip in your belt,” Jayden retorted. “I had already planned on coming here to investigate. All you managed to do was make it more risky for me.”
Well, aren’t we picky? And I was about to give this story points for explaining how Jayden knew that this is where they were taking the girls, except then it acts like he already was aware of it before Ally pulled her Trojan Horse scheme. And if she had a tracking chip in her belt, why did Jayden have to ask where she was?
“Hey, if you had just let me help you to begin with we could have taken these pigs down together.” She huffed as she crossed her arms. “You know I’m just going to follow you wherever you go so why don’t you just let me help you?”
BadJamags: Wait, I thought Jayden gave her the tracking chip in her belt. If he doesn’t want her to help him, why did he give her the means to do so? If he didn’t give her the tracking chip, who did? And if the chip didn’t come from Shadow, why was Shadow able to track it? The logistics of this are completely fucked.
“I don’t want this life for you,” He said. “Don’t forget you were working as a Falcone working girl too. I don’t want anything like that happening to you again.”
Awkward exposition through dialogue!
His expression softened which made Ally smile. She opened up her arms and wrapped them around him and held him tight.
“You’re so sweet,” She squealed. “You act so tough but you are all heart on the inside.”
BadJamags: He doesn’t act tough, he acts like an edgy twelve-year-old.
I think this story was written by an edgy twelve-year-old.
BadJamags: Fair enough, but that doesn’t reduce the suck level.
Jayden let out a small chuckle as he wrapped his arms around her. “So…can I help you?”
Why would his answer have changed in the five seconds since the last time you asked?
“Hell no.” Jayden said as he broke off the hug and got up from the ground.
“C’mon, please?” Ally whined. Jayden rubbed the bridge of his nose and let out a frustrated growl.
“Well what is your name gonna be?” He asked.
BadJamags: And just like that, he gives in?
I think the author couldn’t come up with a way for him to be convinced.
“I’ve been thinking about that I want it to be Breeze.” She said. Jayden raised an eyebrow.
“Breeze, why Breeze?” He asked.
Shadow Stu: It’s not remotely edgy enough. You should have a cool name, like Darkness or Midnight. Ooh, or Not-very-light.
“I chose Breeze because I move swiftly and quietly in the calm of the night. Just like the shadow casted by the light of the moon.” She said poetically.
BadJamags: That makes no fucking sense.
I’m reading that as…
“I chose Breeze because I move swiftly and quietly in the calm of the night. Just like the shadow casted by the light of the moon,” Garfield said with poetry.
BadJamags: That… is weirdly fitting.
“That’s not bad.” Jayden mused as he suddenly had a look of realization. “Oh by the way I have this for you.” He said as he pulled out the silver necklace with the sapphire gem at the end. Ally smiled as she moved her long red hair out of the way. Jayden tied the necklace around her neck and Ally turned around and kissed him on his lips. She leaned back and looked away bashfully as Jayden put his mask back on to hide the blush. “Let’s go home.”
So… He just stole a necklace for her? You’d think that with all the gadgets he seems to afford, he could just buy her one.
With that the two walked off hand in hand into the night.
BadJamags: But they didn’t get very far because they were on a rooftop.
Okay first chapter introducing a few of my characters and more to come. Like I said I am looking for OC’s I could use a few girl OC’s as you have an OC you want to see written send me a Private Message. More will be explained down the road so I hope you stick around to find out. Peace!
And this author’s note says nothing that wasn’t established up above or in the chapter itself. Lovely.
BadJamags: Join us next time, when we rip apart another chapter of this stupid thing.
BadJamags: What? Why are you looking at me like that?
I think I’ll do the next couple chapters with someone else.
BadJamags: You can’t do that!
Hey, you’re the nametag guy. That makes you the guest guest host. I, as the guest host, am kicking you out.
BadJamags: No, wait, but-