1769: Betrayal – Chapter One

Title: Betrayal
Author: Darksakudragon
Media: Anime
Topic: Naruto
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Lyle

I’m sorry.  I’m so, so very sorry.  I can’t apologize enough for what I’m about to subject you to, my poor lovelies.  Welcome to “Betrayal.”

“Betrayal” hails from the Naruto section of ff.net.  Koori has been conspicuously absent since I mentioned I was going to look into riffing this fic, but I’m sure she’ll show up periodically to rage at the story for it’s numerous inaccuracies.  I won’t bother infodumping before we get started since I’ve done Naruto fics in here before.

Let’s dive in.

The summary is always a good place to start.

What happens when Sakura finds out that she has a demon sealed inside her?what happens when she betrays Konoha and yet they still harbored hope for her?chaos will ensue!mutipleXsakura

What happens with our author doesn’t seem to know that you need to put a space between the end of a sentence and the beginning of the next one?  The lack of capitalization isn’t promising, either.  I hope this is just a summary-fail and not something that’s going to follow us throughout the story.

Dark-thundress:erm..Right,I think this is my 2nd story…erm…my previous story…i had

a little bit of trouble with it…

Oh goodie.  An author’s note with weird formatting and a lot of elipsies. Yay.  Oh, and look!  It’s also a conversation with the characters within the author’s note!  

I’m so excited I could puke.

Sakura sighing:like what kind of trouble hmm?and why is it that i have a demon in me?!

Oh holy mackerels.  The weird punctuation and spacing issue is continuing.  Goddamnit.

demon:What?ya got a problem with that?

Sakura:n-no…er…Right!dark-thundress,

Sakura =/= meek.  I get the feeling this is going to be incredibly OOC!Sakura.

,

Why, hello there!  Why don’t you come with me and I’ll give you a good home.  *sweeps the random comma into the spare punctuation box*

Disclaimer-I do not own Naruto,But i do own your damned soul!Buahahahahahahahahaha!

No… no, I’m pretty sure my soul is both undamned and still under my personal ownership.  You can’t just go around claiming to own souls, damned or otherwise.  That’s just rude.

Oh!  Hey!  A line break!  It’s been so long since I’ve seen an author use these.  Despite the horrid sentence mechanics above, I’ll give the author half a redemption cookie for knowing how to <hr>.

 


Sakura walked down slowly down the aisle…

Oh fu-

*A-WHOOOOO-GAH! A-WHOOOO-GAH!*

Well, we’re off to a great start, and me without any interns to throw at them.  Hm.  It’s been a while since I’ve used any of these buttons.  *starts fiddling with the panel on her desk*  What’s this bright yellow one do?

*bink!*

Well, that certainly wasn’t what I was expecting, but I don’t think I’ve seen the DRD retreat that quickly in a long time.

it has been 4 and a half years since she last saw Naruto and sighed slowly before coming to a full stop when she heard a slight wheeze behind her turned around quickly,holding a kunai with her right hand,on high alert.

Jesus H Crackers.

First of all, no numbers in prose!  *smacks the fic upside the head*

Secondly, my 8-year-old has better sentence mechanics.

Given that it’s been four years, I’m guessing this is supposed to take place between the end of Naruto and the beginning of Shippuden.  This puts Sakura at 16.  She should be chunin by now and looks like this:

In the first series, when she was 12-13 years old, Sakura was pretty worthless.  After four years learning medical jutsu from the Hokage (ninja leader), Sakura could break you with her little finger.  She’s also probably the second smartest ninja in the village.

“Who is it?”,she said walked towards the ‘person’ with her sense of cautious and place a safe-guard jutsu on herself which she called:self-protect jutsu(lame right?I know).

Oh, hell no.  We did not just use author’s notes in the prose.

And no ninja worth their sandals would call out “Who is it?”  If she’s really 16-year-old Sakura, she would immediately go onto the alert, but she would also blend herself back into whatever is nearby and wait to see if someone comes out of hiding.

The ‘person’ looked up at her,showing it’s pathetic had a cat’s ears that was waaay too large and its face was covered wth what Sakura thought was moss(eww).

*grabs the box of spare parts and slams it onto the desk*  Hold on a second.

*sets the new counter on the desk*

Let’s see here, there was a redundancy, horrible mechanics dealing with spacing and punctuation, numbers in the prose, an author’s note in the prose, emphasis by adding letters instead of acceptable formatting such as italics, and text-abbreviations instead of words.

*smack-smack-smack-smack-smack-smack*

I IS BADFIC!: 6

I don’t know what else to call it at this point, but we’re only on the first paragraph and already this fic has hit 6 giant no-no’s in writing.  I’m not counting the author’s note at the beginning merely because terrible author’s notes can give way to good stories.  Sometimes the author is just a dork but is still really good at writing.  This is not the case here, but I’m still not counting it.

“W-who..no,What ARE you?!”Sakura asked…kindly?

That doesn’t sound like a kind way of asking, nor is that the correct way to indicate how someone speaks.  I’ve already dinged this thing on mechanics, though, so I won’t whinge on.

It looked at her,showing it’s poor light blue eyes that were shining under the full moon(yep,it’s night time).

*twitch*  It’s so unfortunate there is no way to actually indicate that in the actual story.  Nope.  No way whatsoever to show that it’s nighttime.

*smacks counter for author telling us instead of story showing us*

I IS BADFIC!: 7

“You know,you shouldn’t hide in that dark alley where a stranger whom you’re talking to can’t even see your ‘s not healthy for young girls like you.”

Did someone turn over two pages at the next week’s ice cream social make sure donating to Llamas Unlimited now.

,it said walked slowly towards the ‘person’ and stood under the pale snowy skin shone uder emerald-jade eyes stared into sapphire short pastel-pale pink hair stuck onto her face as it starts to rain heavily.

I think the story just has a seizure.  Like, I think I can figure out what happened but the way this is written sounds like someone cut and paste things into the wrong part of the paragraph.

The ‘person’ lifted off it’s cloak revealing a blond ‘s eyes widened at this and she murmured out just one word,”Ino”.Ino nodded her head slowly before saying,”Sakura,you have to follow me,I need to show you something,you musn’t stay in this village anymore.”she held out her tiny…paw-like hand,stretching to reach Sakura’s own gloved tried to absorb everything that Ino had just had a been a missing-nin for about 2 years ,could Sakura trust her now?

Ino turned into a cat?  Well, that’s certainly not cannon.

Pictured: Not.a.Feline

So are they 16 or aren’t they?  Ino was in medical training the same time Sakura was.  They never lost track of each other in that time; they’re eternal rivals and best friends.  Is this maybe Post-Pain and they’re really in their early twenties?  That doesn’t make sense either, though, since Naruto pretty much stuck around after what happened with Pain.

“No…I-I can’t…you may be my best friend Ino,but you should know this,that you’re a missing-“

I would think Ino would realize she’s a missing kunoichi since she’s been gone for two years.  If the tracker nin weren’t able to find her, she would probably be assumed dead.  Ino isn’t exactly hot shit when it comes to avoiding detection; the ANBU would have found her if they thought she was still alive.

Although, being turned into a moss-covered cat would certainly make it harder for them to track her, I will give her that.

“Yeah,but you’re gonna be a danger to everyone here in Koboha

Misspelling the name of the major city in the fandom you’re writing in.

*smacks the counter*

I IS BADFIC!: 8

cos like,ya got a big demon sealed inside of ya and if you don’t come with me now,that thing will destroy the whole of Konoha!”,Ino bluntly interrupted.”yeah but…*blink**clink!*Holy!Mother of ALL!FUSSSSSSSS!WHAT DID YOU JUST SAID?!”,Sakura yelled at Ino.

*cringes*

Out of character Sakura.  Exclamation to deity that doesn’t exist in the canon.  Actions between asterisks instead of written out.

*smack-smack-smack*

Oh, and everyone is talking in the same paragraph instead of using carriage returns to separate it all out as it should be.

*smack*

I IS BADFIC: 12

We’re up to 12 and I haven’t done any repeats.  This does not bode well.  At.  All.

“I said,if you come with me,you could well-away not destroy Konoha,get stronger conquer the world…and mabye,you know,get me and Naruto hooked up together?Please?”,Ino pleaded,now on the floors on all four thought for a second before saying,”Well,I could mabye…sure,get stronger…conquer the world and hook you and Naru-…WAAAAIIIIIIIT a MINUTE!You want me to hook you up with that baka?!

Mixing Japanese terms with a story written in English.

*smacks*

I IS BADFIC!: 13

Now, if the English translation of the Naruto manga or the Naruto anime used the Japanese terms, I would let this one go.  However,  the translators used the English equivalent of the Japanese terms when they translated it, so throwing them into a fanfiction written in English is jarring and worthy of a count.

This has gotta be a joke right?!”Sakura laughed and laughed till her intestines spilled out and her heart burst into flames and she died while a angry looking Ino stared at her with a What-the-fuck was that for ?!face.

I’ll be right back.

A look at this author’s profile leads me to believe this is not a trollfic.  It’s a crackfic, for sure, but their profile is written like a rabbit took a hit of cocaine and was released on a keyboard.  Seems like too much effort for a Troll.

Anyway, I’m not sure what just happened up there with Sakura shitting out her lower GI and spontaneously combusting, but there’s another line break so let’s see what’s going on.

dark-thundress:nope,just kidding(laughs)

Uhm, what?

Sakura:i died like that?

Ino(screaming):How come i’n not with Sasuke-kun?!And why should be hooked up with

that Baka?!

Demon:noisy pesky humans…DIE!

dark-thundress(pissed off):OI!STUF everybody.

Please.  Please make this stop, whatever this is.

Sakura,No,You did not die like that,

Ino,I have 3 very good reasons why i did not hook you up with Sasuke-kun:

1)You have a really ugly face in THIS story,

2)You and Naruto are Bakas

3)Seriously?You and Sasuke?He musta wanna kill himself afta marrying you!

He doesn’t marry Ino.  He marries Sakura and they have a daughter named Sarada.

And Demon,your turn will have to oh,Your demon name is Akira(ice).

NOW ON WITH DA STORY!

Wait, what?  On with the story?  I thought we were at the end of the chapter.  Wait… wait, do you mean…

sakura,ino danced about because she likes her new name and she slipped and fell and hit

her head on the floor knocking her out.


Sakura stared at Ino’s sapphire eyes which showed sadness.”What?I lost Shikamaru to that snake bastard…my next choice would be that baka…”,she mewed softly.

Oh my fucking sweet zombie Jesus playing ice hockey!  That was an author’s note in the middle of the goddamned story!

*smacks the counter*

I IS BADFIC: 14

For a long time,there was silence before there was a pffffffffft and a loud roar of laughter”HAHAHAHAHAHAhAHA!You w-w-want to be w-with that b-baka?!Oooooh boy girl,!You’ve got competition cos,you’re gonna compete with that Hyuga!Tough girl she is,heard she’s going to look for Naruto!”

And Sakura had a stroke in the middle of the story, I see.

The Hyuga girl would probably be Hinata.  She’s been in love with Naruto since they were five.

Ino’s eyes narrowed dangerously and Sakura knew that she was in a dangerous ,she gave up,”Alright,if what you said was true,then,i’ll go with you”Ino smiled and told Sakura that she’d wait for her outside the Konoha gates and she merrily skipped away to wait for Sakura.

Sakura head back towards here house to pack some stuff and placed a note beside a porcelain doll that looked just like she turned to leave,something caught her attention.

And just like that, Sakura believes Cat!Ino and decides to leave her village (a move that could be seen as traitorous for ninja if they’re not assigned or on vacation) instead of doing the intelligent thing and going to her mentor, the Godaime.  If anyone could determine if Sakura actually had a demon inside her, it would be Tsunade.

Meanwhile…with Ino

See, the author knows how to use the italics button.  Now she just needs to use it when appropriate.

“Master…i got the Haruno that you wanted…what will your next order be…Master?”,Ino asked silently,once out of range from within Sakura.A set of red sharingan(you should know who this is)

*smacks the author upside the head*

Should I?  Should I really?  Because depending on when this story is written, it could be one of three goddamn people.  It could be “Madara” Obito-Tobi.  It could be Sasuke.  Or it could be Itachi.  Although I don’t think Obito-Tobi has both of his eyes (he gave one to Kakashi when they were children), so he should actually be excluded, leaving it as either Itachi (the most obvious choice if the kids are 16) or Sasuke (if this is Post-Pain).  Or, I guess it could be Resurrected!Madara, which puts this mid-Pain.

stared straight at her before saying in a deep voice,”Very good…now the next step is..”.A whisper went on in between them before he said,”I’ll be waiting for both of your arrival…”.then,he vanish from the site.

OooooOOOoooOOOooooOOo, I’m sure.

As Sakura turned to leave the house,something caught her 7 stood at the doorway,actually,it was just a picture frame.A tear rolled down her pale a Shinobi must never show too,vanish.

Can someone please get Sakura some Diazapam or something?  These seizures are distracting from this incredibly riveting story.

dark-thundress:Yaaaaaay!I’m done with this chapter!

You sure this time?  This isn’t just another mid-chapter author’s note?

sakura:So,finally!I get to become stronger?!

This author has not seen nor read Shippuden if she doesn’t know that by the age of 16, Sakura can, well, she can do this:

I’d call that pretty damn strong.

Ino:So,this mysterious man with that sharingan,who is he?

Demon snorting:Madara Uchiha

So it was Obito… who only has one sharingan.

Or is this the true Madara after resurrection?  If so, then we’re into the 4th Shinobi World War, smack dab in the middle of Pain.

*throws her hands into the air*

I don’t fucking know when this takes place.

sakura and Ino:eeeeeeeyyyyyyaaaaaiiiiiiii!

Dark-thundress laughing diabolically:Buahahahahahaha!

Please review!If i get bad review,i will automatically delete this story!

Yeah, nope.  Bad reviews did not equal a deleted fic.  Oh well.

Everyone:JA NE!

*smacks everyone*

Stop it.

Advertisements

49 Comments on “1769: Betrayal – Chapter One”

  1. SC says:

    What happens when Sakura finds out that she has a demon sealed inside her?

    You trying to say that she doesn’t?

  2. SC says:

    Sakura =/= meek.

    In fact, her boldness of personality seems to play a lot into why people really don’t like her. (No but for real, the fandom seems to fucking DESPISE Sakura, from what I recall before I stopped keeping up with Naruto.)

    • "Lyle" says:

      This is true, and I think it’s really undeserved. I know that, at first, she comes off shallow and worthless, and annoying, with her Sasuke-Sasuke-Sasuke obsession, but she grows a lot during the course of both series. People don’t seem to realize how good of a character she really becomes because they’re so stuck on how she was when she was 12. I actually really like Sakura because she shows that, with some hard work and perseverance, you can rise above what you were and become great.

  3. SC says:

    After four years learning medical jutsu from the Hokage (ninja leader), Sakura could break you with her little finger.

    Yeah, I’m sure Tsunade taught her medical jutsu and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE.

    What, you’ve never seen a doctor punch a fucking crater into the earth?

  4. SC says:

    Ino turned into a cat?

    Glasses: *gasp!* That bitch stole my gimmick!

    Well, that’s certainly not cannon.

  5. SC says:

    Koboha

    I put that into Google and got a result for an obscure as hell anime called “Koboha Nyuumon.” Interestingly, it aired in both Japan and Hong Kong, and seems to be a Japanese take on China’s Wuxia stories, going by the plot synopsis.

  6. SC says:

    ”HAHAHAHAHAHAhAHA!You w-w-want to be w-with that b-baka?!Oooooh boy girl,!You’ve got competition cos,you’re gonna compete with that Hyuga!Tough girl she is,heard she’s going to look for Naruto!”

    See, this? This right here? This is exactly the kind of kawaii desu shit that gets American anime fans eye-rolls from Japan.

    • SC says:

      sakura and Ino:eeeeeeeyyyyyyaaaaaiiiiiiii!

    • GhostCat says:

      This is what happens when people form opinions of an entire culture based solely on their popular entertainment – and not even all of their entertainment, just what manages to get exported to the US. It’s like if someone in Japan assumed everyone in the US lived in a pineapple under the sea and are besties with a squirrel and a starfish.

      • "Lyle" says:

        FPM once told me about when she was living in France, they went to an “American” restaurant. Hilarity ensued. Think “French people in 10 gallon hats.”

      • SC says:

        Ah, so the part of America that is strictly Texas and Las Vegas, then.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Disclaimer-I do not own Naruto,But i do own your damned soul!Buahahahahahahahahaha!

    No… no, I’m pretty sure my soul is both undamned and still under my personal ownership. You can’t just go around claiming to own souls, damned or otherwise. That’s just rude.

    My soul is owned by the Library of the Damned, does that count?

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    Ino had just had a been a missing-nin for about 2 years

    What the fuck is a “missing-nin”? A glitch Pokemon that’s really into metal?

    • GhostCat says:

      I think it means “missing person”, or at least that’s the intention – 人 is the suffix used to indicate nationality, race, origin, etc. and can be read as -jin or -nin depending on the word so this is another case of misused Japanese.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        So, she’s someone who originates from the locality of Missing.

        Makes sense.

      • "Lyle" says:

        Actually, this is canon to Naruto. Nin is used canonically to indicate any person who is a ninja. Ino is a ninja who as been missing, therefore she would be called a missing nin. The hyphen is the part that’s wrongly used.

        • GhostCat says:

          Huh. The word “ninja” (忍者) uses kanji that mean “conceal” and “person”, but it’s the second kanji (the “ja”) that means person. A missing ‘nin’ would be something along the lines of “missing secret”.

      • "Lyle" says:

        Well, perhaps the ninja are the secrets?

        It might also be a translation issue in the anime and manga from the original Japanese, too.

      • SC says:

        I notice that this happens frequently in anime – for some reason, words that mean only loosely related things in actual Japanese wind up meaning something else in anime. Like, how “nin” is used to represent anybody who’s a ninja, even though its broader definition is stuff like “secrets”.

        Or, on the flip-side, there’ll be some weird episode where characters who very fluently speak Japanese suddenly don’t know how to read kanji and it’s played up for laughs. I feel like this is some in-joke about Japan’s language being super huge and confusing, even to Japan.

        • GhostCat says:

          Well, you have the gojuuon (the “fifty sounds” which are actually a lot more than fifty when you add in the dakuten and handakuten) comprised of the two kana, hiragana and katakana, and then something like eighty-five thousand individual kanji, of which only around twenty-one hundred jōyō kanji are actually taught in school. (Most people know more than that number, typically kanji that are specific to their jobs or personal interests.)

          So, yeah. It would get confusing. In contrast, English only has forty-four sounds (called phonemes) but our language structure is a crazy quilt of arbitrary rules, leftover grammar, and bits we’ve stolen borrowed from other languages. It’s actually one of the reasons being a writer in Japan is such a highly regarded position and writers are often regarded as being like artists; authors will often “misuse” kanji that have the same pronunciation but different meaning as what would normally be used for a specific word by using furigana (tiny kana beside the kanji character) to indicate the correct pronunciation. It adds layers and nuances to a work that English just completely lacks. That’s why you will often see characters talk about reading something but not really understanding it. It can imply that the work was too high-brow or cerebral, or that the person who read it wasn’t intelligent enough to understand it – either literally or in a self-depreciating manner – or that the person who wrote it was trying too hard.

      • SC says:

        The anime I’m thinking of is the Japanese dub of Bleach, in one of the end-of-episode filler things Japanese dubs like to do, where Ichigo and a few other Shinigami were having trouble deciphering a restaurant sign, so I’m thinking it was them being too dumb to read it in this case.

        • GhostCat says:

          English dubs, not Japanese dubs – the show is already in Japanese so they wouldn’t need to dub in more Japanese.

          I watched an anime not long ago where two characters were speaking English in the Japanese version; it was some of the most painfully awkward-sounding dialogue I have ever heard.

      • SC says:

        Actually, I think I meant Japanese-with-English-subs. My bad.

  9. SC says:

    Actions between asterisks instead of written out.

    *smack-smack-smack*

    Oi.

  10. GhostCat says:

    And Demon,your turn will have to oh,Your demon name is Akira(ice).

    Ummmm … Akira doesn’t mean ice – 氷 (pronounced “koori” like our lovely little intern) means ice.

  11. agigabyte says:

    A look at this author’s profile leads me to believe this is not a trollfic. It’s a crackfic, for sure, but their profile is written like a rabbit took a hit of cocaine and was released on a keyboard. Seems like too much effort for a Troll.

    Cain: This is going to be terrible.

    Birth: Come to think of it…I can’t remember when…

    Cain: It’s worse than I expected.

  12. CrunchyRaptor says:

    Oh my fucking sweet zombie Jesus playing ice hockey!

    What heresy! The very thought! Hockey? Zombie Jesus and I play tennis, boules, badminton, golf, shuffleboard, and occasionally we go curling. But hockey!?

    I’m telling Zombie Jesus about this!

    *Stalks out muttering angrily to himself.*

  13. Swenia says:

    *smacks everyone*

    *Rubs her jaw*

    I’m sure I deserved that, I’m just not sure which of the things I did brought that on.

  14. […] Slender: Find the Eight Pages They Said Subnautica The Novel (Chapter Bundle 4 is out!) help me Betrayal pepper the match maker Happy Birthday TadashixReader The Before time of Lock, Shock and Barrel Five […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s