1769: Betrayal – Chapter OnePosted: May 22, 2017
I’m sorry. I’m so, so very sorry. I can’t apologize enough for what I’m about to subject you to, my poor lovelies. Welcome to “Betrayal.”
“Betrayal” hails from the Naruto section of ff.net. Koori has been conspicuously absent since I mentioned I was going to look into riffing this fic, but I’m sure she’ll show up periodically to rage at the story for it’s numerous inaccuracies. I won’t bother infodumping before we get started since I’ve done Naruto fics in here before.
Let’s dive in.
The summary is always a good place to start.
What happens when Sakura finds out that she has a demon sealed inside her?what happens when she betrays Konoha and yet they still harbored hope for her?chaos will ensue!mutipleXsakura
What happens with our author doesn’t seem to know that you need to put a space between the end of a sentence and the beginning of the next one? The lack of capitalization isn’t promising, either. I hope this is just a summary-fail and not something that’s going to follow us throughout the story.
Dark-thundress:erm..Right,I think this is my 2nd story…erm…my previous story…i had
a little bit of trouble with it…
Oh goodie. An author’s note with weird formatting and a lot of elipsies. Yay. Oh, and look! It’s also a conversation with the characters within the author’s note!
I’m so excited I could puke.
Sakura sighing:like what kind of trouble hmm?and why is it that i have a demon in me?!
Oh holy mackerels. The weird punctuation and spacing issue is continuing. Goddamnit.
demon:What?ya got a problem with that?
Sakura =/= meek. I get the feeling this is going to be incredibly OOC!Sakura.
Why, hello there! Why don’t you come with me and I’ll give you a good home. *sweeps the random comma into the spare punctuation box*
Disclaimer-I do not own Naruto,But i do own your damned soul!Buahahahahahahahahaha!
No… no, I’m pretty sure my soul is both undamned and still under my personal ownership. You can’t just go around claiming to own souls, damned or otherwise. That’s just rude.
Oh! Hey! A line break! It’s been so long since I’ve seen an author use these. Despite the horrid sentence mechanics above, I’ll give the author half a redemption cookie for knowing how to <hr>.
Sakura walked down slowly down the aisle…
Well, we’re off to a great start, and me without any interns to throw at them. Hm. It’s been a while since I’ve used any of these buttons. *starts fiddling with the panel on her desk* What’s this bright yellow one do?
Well, that certainly wasn’t what I was expecting, but I don’t think I’ve seen the DRD retreat that quickly in a long time.
it has been 4 and a half years since she last saw Naruto and sighed slowly before coming to a full stop when she heard a slight wheeze behind her turned around quickly,holding a kunai with her right hand,on high alert.
Jesus H Crackers.
First of all, no numbers in prose! *smacks the fic upside the head*
Secondly, my 8-year-old has better sentence mechanics.
Given that it’s been four years, I’m guessing this is supposed to take place between the end of Naruto and the beginning of Shippuden. This puts Sakura at 16. She should be chunin by now and looks like this:
In the first series, when she was 12-13 years old, Sakura was pretty worthless. After four years learning medical jutsu from the Hokage (ninja leader), Sakura could break you with her little finger. She’s also probably the second smartest ninja in the village.
“Who is it?”,she said walked towards the ‘person’ with her sense of cautious and place a safe-guard jutsu on herself which she called:self-protect jutsu(lame right?I know).
Oh, hell no. We did not just use author’s notes in the prose.
And no ninja worth their sandals would call out “Who is it?” If she’s really 16-year-old Sakura, she would immediately go onto the alert, but she would also blend herself back into whatever is nearby and wait to see if someone comes out of hiding.
The ‘person’ looked up at her,showing it’s pathetic had a cat’s ears that was waaay too large and its face was covered wth what Sakura thought was moss(eww).
*grabs the box of spare parts and slams it onto the desk* Hold on a second.
*sets the new counter on the desk*
Let’s see here, there was a redundancy, horrible mechanics dealing with spacing and punctuation, numbers in the prose, an author’s note in the prose, emphasis by adding letters instead of acceptable formatting such as italics, and text-abbreviations instead of words.
I IS BADFIC!: 6
I don’t know what else to call it at this point, but we’re only on the first paragraph and already this fic has hit 6 giant no-no’s in writing. I’m not counting the author’s note at the beginning merely because terrible author’s notes can give way to good stories. Sometimes the author is just a dork but is still really good at writing. This is not the case here, but I’m still not counting it.
“W-who..no,What ARE you?!”Sakura asked…kindly?
That doesn’t sound like a kind way of asking, nor is that the correct way to indicate how someone speaks. I’ve already dinged this thing on mechanics, though, so I won’t whinge on.
It looked at her,showing it’s poor light blue eyes that were shining under the full moon(yep,it’s night time).
*twitch* It’s so unfortunate there is no way to actually indicate that in the actual story. Nope. No way whatsoever to show that it’s nighttime.
*smacks counter for author telling us instead of story showing us*
I IS BADFIC!: 7
“You know,you shouldn’t hide in that dark alley where a stranger whom you’re talking to can’t even see your ‘s not healthy for young girls like you.”
Did someone turn over two pages at the next week’s ice cream social make sure donating to Llamas Unlimited now.
,it said walked slowly towards the ‘person’ and stood under the pale snowy skin shone uder emerald-jade eyes stared into sapphire short pastel-pale pink hair stuck onto her face as it starts to rain heavily.
I think the story just has a seizure. Like, I think I can figure out what happened but the way this is written sounds like someone cut and paste things into the wrong part of the paragraph.
The ‘person’ lifted off it’s cloak revealing a blond ‘s eyes widened at this and she murmured out just one word,”Ino”.Ino nodded her head slowly before saying,”Sakura,you have to follow me,I need to show you something,you musn’t stay in this village anymore.”she held out her tiny…paw-like hand,stretching to reach Sakura’s own gloved tried to absorb everything that Ino had just had a been a missing-nin for about 2 years ,could Sakura trust her now?
Ino turned into a cat? Well, that’s certainly not cannon.
So are they 16 or aren’t they? Ino was in medical training the same time Sakura was. They never lost track of each other in that time; they’re eternal rivals and best friends. Is this maybe Post-Pain and they’re really in their early twenties? That doesn’t make sense either, though, since Naruto pretty much stuck around after what happened with Pain.
“No…I-I can’t…you may be my best friend Ino,but you should know this,that you’re a missing-“
I would think Ino would realize she’s a missing kunoichi since she’s been gone for two years. If the tracker nin weren’t able to find her, she would probably be assumed dead. Ino isn’t exactly hot shit when it comes to avoiding detection; the ANBU would have found her if they thought she was still alive.
Although, being turned into a moss-covered cat would certainly make it harder for them to track her, I will give her that.
“Yeah,but you’re gonna be a danger to everyone here in Koboha
Misspelling the name of the major city in the fandom you’re writing in.
*smacks the counter*
I IS BADFIC!: 8
cos like,ya got a big demon sealed inside of ya and if you don’t come with me now,that thing will destroy the whole of Konoha!”,Ino bluntly interrupted.”yeah but…*blink**clink!*Holy!Mother of ALL!FUSSSSSSSS!WHAT DID YOU JUST SAID?!”,Sakura yelled at Ino.
Out of character Sakura. Exclamation to deity that doesn’t exist in the canon. Actions between asterisks instead of written out.
Oh, and everyone is talking in the same paragraph instead of using carriage returns to separate it all out as it should be.
I IS BADFIC: 12
We’re up to 12 and I haven’t done any repeats. This does not bode well. At. All.
“I said,if you come with me,you could well-away not destroy Konoha,get stronger conquer the world…and mabye,you know,get me and Naruto hooked up together?Please?”,Ino pleaded,now on the floors on all four thought for a second before saying,”Well,I could mabye…sure,get stronger…conquer the world and hook you and Naru-…WAAAAIIIIIIIT a MINUTE!You want me to hook you up with that baka?!
Mixing Japanese terms with a story written in English.
I IS BADFIC!: 13
Now, if the English translation of the Naruto manga or the Naruto anime used the Japanese terms, I would let this one go. However, the translators used the English equivalent of the Japanese terms when they translated it, so throwing them into a fanfiction written in English is jarring and worthy of a count.
This has gotta be a joke right?!”Sakura laughed and laughed till her intestines spilled out and her heart burst into flames and she died while a angry looking Ino stared at her with a What-the-fuck was that for ?!face.
I’ll be right back.
A look at this author’s profile leads me to believe this is not a trollfic. It’s a crackfic, for sure, but their profile is written like a rabbit took a hit of cocaine and was released on a keyboard. Seems like too much effort for a Troll.
Anyway, I’m not sure what just happened up there with Sakura shitting out her lower GI and spontaneously combusting, but there’s another line break so let’s see what’s going on.
Sakura:i died like that?
Ino(screaming):How come i’n not with Sasuke-kun?!And why should be hooked up with
Demon:noisy pesky humans…DIE!
dark-thundress(pissed off):OI!STUF everybody.
Please. Please make this stop, whatever this is.
Sakura,No,You did not die like that,
Ino,I have 3 very good reasons why i did not hook you up with Sasuke-kun:
1)You have a really ugly face in THIS story,
2)You and Naruto are Bakas
3)Seriously?You and Sasuke?He musta wanna kill himself afta marrying you!
He doesn’t marry Ino. He marries Sakura and they have a daughter named Sarada.
And Demon,your turn will have to oh,Your demon name is Akira(ice).
NOW ON WITH DA STORY!
Wait, what? On with the story? I thought we were at the end of the chapter. Wait… wait, do you mean…
sakura,ino danced about because she likes her new name and she slipped and fell and hit
her head on the floor knocking her out.
Sakura stared at Ino’s sapphire eyes which showed sadness.”What?I lost Shikamaru to that snake bastard…my next choice would be that baka…”,she mewed softly.
Oh my fucking sweet zombie Jesus playing ice hockey! That was an author’s note in the middle of the goddamned story!
*smacks the counter*
I IS BADFIC: 14
For a long time,there was silence before there was a pffffffffft and a loud roar of laughter”HAHAHAHAHAHAhAHA!You w-w-want to be w-with that b-baka?!Oooooh boy girl,!You’ve got competition cos,you’re gonna compete with that Hyuga!Tough girl she is,heard she’s going to look for Naruto!”
And Sakura had a stroke in the middle of the story, I see.
The Hyuga girl would probably be Hinata. She’s been in love with Naruto since they were five.
Ino’s eyes narrowed dangerously and Sakura knew that she was in a dangerous ,she gave up,”Alright,if what you said was true,then,i’ll go with you”Ino smiled and told Sakura that she’d wait for her outside the Konoha gates and she merrily skipped away to wait for Sakura.
Sakura head back towards here house to pack some stuff and placed a note beside a porcelain doll that looked just like she turned to leave,something caught her attention.
And just like that, Sakura believes Cat!Ino and decides to leave her village (a move that could be seen as traitorous for ninja if they’re not assigned or on vacation) instead of doing the intelligent thing and going to her mentor, the Godaime. If anyone could determine if Sakura actually had a demon inside her, it would be Tsunade.
See, the author knows how to use the italics button. Now she just needs to use it when appropriate.
“Master…i got the Haruno that you wanted…what will your next order be…Master?”,Ino asked silently,once out of range from within Sakura.A set of red sharingan(you should know who this is)
*smacks the author upside the head*
Should I? Should I really? Because depending on when this story is written, it could be one of three goddamn people. It could be “Madara” Obito-Tobi. It could be Sasuke. Or it could be Itachi. Although I don’t think Obito-Tobi has both of his eyes (he gave one to Kakashi when they were children), so he should actually be excluded, leaving it as either Itachi (the most obvious choice if the kids are 16) or Sasuke (if this is Post-Pain). Or, I guess it could be Resurrected!Madara, which puts this mid-Pain.
stared straight at her before saying in a deep voice,”Very good…now the next step is..”.A whisper went on in between them before he said,”I’ll be waiting for both of your arrival…”.then,he vanish from the site.
OooooOOOoooOOOooooOOo, I’m sure.
As Sakura turned to leave the house,something caught her 7 stood at the doorway,actually,it was just a picture frame.A tear rolled down her pale a Shinobi must never show too,vanish.
Can someone please get Sakura some Diazapam or something? These seizures are distracting from this incredibly riveting story.
dark-thundress:Yaaaaaay!I’m done with this chapter!
You sure this time? This isn’t just another mid-chapter author’s note?
sakura:So,finally!I get to become stronger?!
This author has not seen nor read Shippuden if she doesn’t know that by the age of 16, Sakura can, well, she can do this:
I’d call that pretty damn strong.
Ino:So,this mysterious man with that sharingan,who is he?
Demon snorting:Madara Uchiha
So it was Obito… who only has one sharingan.
Or is this the true Madara after resurrection? If so, then we’re into the 4th Shinobi World War, smack dab in the middle of Pain.
*throws her hands into the air*
I don’t fucking know when this takes place.
sakura and Ino:eeeeeeeyyyyyyaaaaaiiiiiiii!
Dark-thundress laughing diabolically:Buahahahahahaha!
Please review!If i get bad review,i will automatically delete this story!
Yeah, nope. Bad reviews did not equal a deleted fic. Oh well.