1765: The New Security Guard – Chapter 2

 

Title: The New Security Guard
Author: The Lazy Darklord
Media: Video Game
Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
URL Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Welcome back, dear Patrons, to another chapter! When last we met, the audience was introduced to college freshman and extremely late bloomer Gabe/Michael via a pair of rambling and disjointed flashbacks that raised more questions than they answered.

On to the fic! Which starts with another all-bold Author’s Note that contains almost no punctuation. Yay.

Hello everybody and welcome back to the Fnaf fanfic,

Which so far has had very little FNAF in it.

some of you might be wondering hey dark why is it that you sometimes promise to finish a story and then you just disappear from the face of the earth for a few months,

No, I can honestly say I wasn’t wondering that at all. At the risk of resurrecting one of our favorite dead horses, you aren’t on a schedule. Post (or don’t post) whenever you feel like it. Your only deadline is self-imposed.

im not going to make excuses i honestly was at point were i was almost entirely done with fanfiction mainly because i did alot of work into my stories and then too rewrite them was an honest pain in my ass

Welcome to writing, honey – it’s two percent pure pleasure and ninety-eight percent soul-shredding grunt work that no one will ever see. And don’t even get me started on editing; it’s much easier to edit someone else’s work because you aren’t emotionally invested in it, but trying to edit your own writing is like having your fingers caught in a bear trap and trying to decide which one to gnaw off first.

as this story once upon a time had like 5 chaps and around 15k words, in English my biggest accomplishment so far,

The author’s profile doesn’t mention where they are from but I have assumed from the first that they are not a native English speaker just because of the feel of the fic. I normally try to go a little easier on these kind of fics – but this author has registered themselves as a beta reader for fics written in English. If you’re not only writing fiction in a language but feel comfortable enough to be judging the works of others written in that language, then don’t try to use “Don’t blame me for doing poorly, it’s not my native language!” as an excuse. It won’t work.

and the reviews and views altogether made me so happy and i wanted to give you guys more but that’s when i re-read all of my chaps and realized that the grammar and punctuation where …well shit and i regret to say its still going to be

You’ll get no arguments from me on that point.

as i still don’t have an Beta nor a CO

Don’t try to push off the blame onto someone else, either – if your writing is bad and you know for a fact that it is bad then don’t publish it!

 so im trying my best right now to write a good story for you guys

Just, y’know, not making any effort to find anyone to help you with your grammar issues.

so well that’s about it so well enjoy i work on this pretty much all day and if your wondering

You know what I’m really wondering? When this frickin’ fic is going to start!

i actually had the chap ready when i came out with the first but my computer on its own accord did a hard reset an screwed me over

:headdesk:

I.

:headdesk:

Don’t.

:headdesk:

CARE!

Not to sound cruel or anything, but how is this in any way relevant to the work? Did Stephen King natter on about getting his oil changed or having to go get a new typewriter ribbon before every chapter of Carrie?

so as always i own nothing…sadly sow without further ado…lets

Well it’s about bloody time.

‘thinking’

“talking”

“demonic”

… That looks like a formatting key. Those are never a good sign. Here’s a tip, author; if your writing is so confusing that the audience needs a key to figure out what’s going on, then you’ve done something wrong.

Chapter 2 Hell hath not fury as a Women’s Scorn

It’s “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” – if you’re going to use a quote you could at least try to get the quote right. Although to be entirely accurate the full quote from William Congreve’s play The Mourning Bride is “Heav’n has no Rage like Love to Hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a Fury like a Woman scorn’d.” but most people use the condensed version.

Soon after i left my class the number Jason gave me i started dialing it into my phone as the good memory’s paraded within my mind as the only thing i couldn’t think of was happiness, which unbeknownst to some of the other kids that transferred from the same high school as me were astonished as i was smiling, the first since my parents and sister past away.

:blinks:

Sweet mercy, I think it’s gotten worse. And this is the edited version of the fic!

This can’t be the first time Gabe/Michael has smiled – in the first chapter he was laughing and joking with his friends before classes started, I remember it specifically because it was so at odds with the grump-bucket persona he was trying to project.

“Ring RING RING!” My phone rang as I looked down and picked it up “hello” i answered

I’d almost forgotten how much of this fic was just pure daybook writing.

“this is the department of home owners

That is not a thing. What even is that supposed to be? Did the author mean the Department of Housing and Urban Development, or just a homeowners’ association?

and were calling to tell you that your bill is almost up and you need to pay by the end of the month or well be foreclose your home” a voice spoke as all the happiness drained from my face

:facepalm:

I assume since the caller is talking about foreclosure that they are from some sort of lending institution or debt collection agency, in which case they just violated several federal laws; chief among them the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act, which places certain restrictions on debt collectors’ conduct, and – since the caller failed to verify Gabe/Michael’s identity in order to confirm that they were speaking with someone authorized to discuss the debt in question – the GLBA (Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act) Safeguards Rule prohibiting the disclosure of nonpublic personal information without validating the identity of the recipient. It’s the reason why your bank asks you all those questions when you call, even if you only need something simple done.

Back in the first chapter it was stated that Gabe/Michael was given his house by “the state” after his family’s house was taken away from them; if that is the case then why is this “department of home owners” calling about a payment? Giving someone something implies that the person would own it outright. If I gave someone a pizza I wouldn’t call them up the next day demanding that they pay for the extra cheese.

And most lenders will not foreclose if you miss just one payment -banks don’t like foreclosing on houses. It’s expensive, both in legal fees and because the bank is then liable for the continued upkeep of the property. They would much rather get paid their interest.

as dread and sadness took over as i stopped listen to what they lady was saying as all i could here was blood rushing to my head as all i heard was throbbing from my ears as i started hyperventilating as i ran to my car ignoring the people i pushed or even the ones who asked me if i was okay

If someone is hyperventilating I doubt they would have the oxygen needed to run any great distance.

as i unlocked the doors and threw my stuff to the back as i started up my car

Didn’t he just get to school? He’s only gone to one class so far!

and fumbled for my phone and the number Jason gave me as i quickly typed it in as i hit the call button as i sat there slowly relaxing until the phone picked up

Relaxing? He just found out his house is going to be foreclosed upon and he has no money to pay for his school books – relaxing is the opposite of what he should be feeling right now.

as a very feminine voice came over “hello this is Freddy Fazbear pizzeria my names lory how can i help you” she asked as i sighed “I’m calling about the ..night guard position'” i asked as she went quiet but typing was heard over the phone “when do you think you can come in for an interview” she asked as i though for second “today would be fine if you would have me”, soon the typing resumed as she slowly responded “well we only have one opening at six thirty if that’s okay with you” she asked as i looked over to my clock which read 2:30 ” that would be fine” i said as she told me to have a good day and hung up as i put my phone down and started my car as i drove home.

Lory is a terrible secretary – she didn’t even get Gabe/Michael’s name or any of his details.  And what restaurant would do a job interview at six-thirty at night? That’s a prime dinner-rush time. And why is he driving home now? He went to one morning class; doesn’t he have any afternoon classes? College isn’t like a grade school or high school where all classes are over by three.

Timeskip

As if this fic wasn’t rushed enough already, now it’s doing timeskips.

‘Finally im home with two hours to spare’ i thought as i pulled up into my driveway as i parked

Wait a second … His appointment is at six-thirty, so if he has two hours until then that would make it currently four-thirty. He left school at two-thirty, so that means his house is two hours away from his school. That’s a long commute for just one class; I live in Raleigh, NC so this would be like me driving a hundred and thirty miles to attend UNC-Wilmington down on the coast.

and grabbed my stuff from the back as i went inside my house as i quickly threw my stuff onto the floor as went into my room

What stuff? You didn’t have any of your books for class, so what the hell are you carrying around?

as grabbed a fresh pair of a shirt an jeans as i hopped into my shower (no naked shower scene for you and you and you…at least not yet jk)

:THWACK!:

I can honestly say I have no interest in watching Gabe/Michael take a shower.

as i finished cleaning my self up and combing my hair to the side to look like a gentleman as looked at myself ‘damn im smexy’ i thought as i burst out laughing as i couldn’t help but laugh so hard that i teared up

The sight of his own naked body drove him to both laughter and tears? Now I’m really glad there wasn’t a naked shower scene.

as i calmed down as i made my way into my room as i put on my boots

Shouldn’t you be putting on clothes before you put on your boots?

and grabbed my on the go back pack which had a few items in it which consisted of Bluetooth speaker and a change of cloths and some deo and spray

Is this the same backpack that he took to school or a different one? Because those items don’t really seem like they would be all that useful to someone taking classes in auto repair.

as i grabbed my coat and my car keys as i ran out

Still naked. I hope that coat is long enough to cover the essentials.

as i checked the time as i was going to be a good bit early but as my mother use to say “if your on time your late and if your early your on time” words to live by

Your mother sounds like an inspirational poster, which is a bit at odds with her earlier appearance as a slap-happy bitch.

as i started driving off to Freddy Fazbears Pizzeria as i started remember the last time i went there as i couldn’t blush as started to remember

…You have got to be frickin’ kidding me. Is this going to turn into another flashback?!?

Flashback(yes i know its going by quick but the beginning aint that important)

:headdesk:

It is another flashback! And is that a frickin’ Author’s Note in the tag?

:THWACK!:

What the hell, author? It’s good that you realize that the fic is whizzing past like it’s on buttered rails, but that is a very bad thing. You should never think that any part of your work isn’t important; if it’s not important, then it doesn’t belong and should be edited out. The beginning is exceptionally important – it’s when everything from setting to characters gets established, and serves as the ‘hook’ to capture your audience’s attention and keep them engaged enough to continue reading. You can’t just skim through it as fast as possible so you can get to the “good” part.

“Jason aren’t you excited” i asked as a smile plastered my face “hell ya i am i heard the restaurant is done with the …Mrs. Cruz what is it again” Jason asked as my mom chastised him for saying hell as i giggled

:rubs forehead:

Sweet mercy, but this is a hard fic to read. You should all be very grateful I’m breaking it into easier to manage chunks, as the original is just solid masses of text.

“its called renovations” she responded as thanked my mom as i smiled as we came upon the restaurant as smiled at the new building which was pretty big as the put a stage and play room, awesome

The new building is larger than the old building, which was only [ERROR:DIMENSIONS NOT FOUND], but apparently that’s because they put in a stage and a play room even though those are things both locations would probably have.

“thanks for making my party here mom” as she smiled as returned it “your father going to pick up your sister so he’ll be a bit late so while i get everything set up you should go play she said as we parked in the parking lot

Isn’t this exactly how the last flashback went? Gabe/Michaels’ mother took Jason and Gabe/Michael to the pizzeria, where they were going to wait for Gabe/Michael’s father and sister in order to have a celebration. The only thing missing is Gabe/Michael and Jason running off on their own to do something dangerous without adult supervision.

as me Jason opened the doors for the car and raced across the parking lot to the doors as me and him laughed as we ran …into the doors as stopping wasn’t easy as we thought as we went full force to the door, happily the windows were strong enough not to break from two twelve year old to smash through but strong enough to make us bounce of as we fell

There it is! Also – they are twelve years old? They way they are acting made me think they were much, much younger than that. And why don’t they know what the word “renovations” means?

“were ok!” we yelled as my came up and checked us over and then pulled both of ear closer to her “don’t scare me like ” she chastised as she let us go

I feel like I should go check the Lost & Found to see if anyone’s turned in a box of missing nouns or a bag of misplaced punctuation. And using “chastised” once was interesting, but I beginning to think it’s the only word the author knows to describe someone getting scolded.

as we opened the doors and rushed in to see a few onlookers who were looking at them

“Them” being you, since this is in first-person and you are the idiots that ran into the glass?

as they say everything that happened outside as the tried there best to hold in their laughs as me and Jason blushed in embarrassment as we avoided and eye contact

I don’t blame them for laughing at you.

as we looked around for the crew which we found three of them right away as they were on the stage as we couldn’t take our eyes of the animatronics on the stage as there exoskeletons were changed

Must be the “new” versions from the second game.

as i cursed my elementary school for teaching us about the basics of sex

:spits coffee all over riffing desk:

The HELL did you just say?!? What kind of elementary school has sex ed classes? I’m not questioning that a twelve-year-old knows about sex – this is the age of the Internet, after all – but I am questioning the idea that there are sex ed classes in an elementary school.  The American school system (and the FNAF series is based in the US) is phenomenally backward when it comes to anything regarding sex; most of the time schools try to pretend sex doesn’t exist (or focus solely on abstinence-only education) which is just stupid and probably one of the reasons why teen pregnancy is such a big problem.

as i couldn’t help but let my cheeks radiate heat from my rather large blush across my face as i looked at Bonnie the bunny

Dude. I didn’t know you swung that way.

firsts as i noticed she was a little bit shorter and had a rather appealing bust

Ummm … Despite the name Bonnie is typically referred to with male pronouns so he’s probably a guy. He definitely doesn’t have the body contours of a female.

but the huge bunny ears and very shapely rear complimented by a puffy little tail and it didn’t help that she was playing the guitar so the strap kinda went between her *cough*,

:headdesk:

:THWACK!:

Breasts, they are called breasts. If you are going to write about something, you should at least have the balls to use the right words.

from there i looked onto Freddy which kinda confused me as Freddy is a he or at least was a he as now he was a she

…This is going to be one of those wish-fulfillment fics where all the characters are the author’s preferred gender so there can be sexual attraction between them and the SI main protagonist without making the author uncomfortable, isn’t it?

as Freddy was a very large assets which were rather *nosebleed*

:THWACK!:

That is not a proper description, and don’t use anime tropes where they don’t belong.

with a cute little top hat and a bow tie complemented her as i blushed even harder as the blood rushed up to my head

I seriously doubt that’s where the blood is rushing to right now.

as i quickly averted to chicka as i gasped as she was almost like the other two but ad an average bust and a very nice ass-ets in the back with a cute little duck tail

I think the author must be running out of “nudge-nudge, wink-wink” ways to describe big breasts and a nice ass.

as a bib with the word lets eat written on it as of-course my mind took it the wrong way.

You are supposed to be twelve so I don’t doubt that you find anything vaguely suggestive to be absolutely hilarious.

“matey is that you?” a voice asked from behind me as a sense of dread and happiness flew through me as if the other animatronics look as appealing as they seem then im superman right now and foxy’s going to be my kryptonite

Oh, crapcakes.

as i slowly turned around just get a face full of fur as foxy hugged me as i laughed slightly until i realized where and what i was in between…

A fiberglas shell molded to resemble a female torso and covered with synthetic fur? Because no matter how shapely her figure is, it’s just an artificial shell that someone made. Hell, with a properly equipped machine shop I could put tits on my toaster if I were so inclined.

(Que anime Bloody nose rocket )…

:THWACK!:

Stop doing that! It’s not amusing, it’s distracting.

“are you okay matey” foxy asked as i held a napkin to my nose as i swiped some drool away from my mouth as i looked up to foxy

Very smooth, I’m sure that will really win her affections.

as she was wearing a ‘foxy outfit (ha ha the puns…i still have no life)

:THWACK!:

That was terrible.

as she was dressed in skin tight pants

Is she wearing actual clothes or is her exoskeleton just molded to look like she’s wearing pants? Because then her pants would literally be her skin.

which i was pretty sure were hugging some things to the point i couldn’t believe

I’m having a hard time believing it, too.

as he tail swung covering some places but still leaving enough to imaging

I could do with a little less ‘imaging’, thank you very much. She’s a mascot at a kid’s restaurant, not a fan dancer at a burlesque show.

as her Um *cough*

:THWACK!:

For someone who is dead-set on objectifying these feminized characters, you are awfully reluctant to actually describe their exaggerated physical features.

Booty(haha shes a pirate)

:THWACK!:

It’s not funny.

*cough* were enough to make chicka blush,

Why does Foxy’s ass make Chica blush? That makes no sense as well as being physically impossible BECAUSE CHICA IS A ROBOT AND DOESN’T HAVE ANY BLOOD!

:distant explosion:

I’m sure that was nothing.

and as i went higher

Ugh. I think he’s doing one of those toe-to-head perusals and is just narrating what he sees. That’s just so creepy.

i couldn’t help but imitate goof “*huc* gosh” as i saw her in a pirate top that was a little too tight as i hushed her um*Cough* out

:THWACK!:

This is just getting ridiculous. If you want to write softcore smut, author, learn to use the damn words!

 and of course the trademark eye patch and behind her was another animatronic ive never seen before who was a fox as well with the same proportions except

Let me guess – except Foxy was prettier and moar hott?

for her *Cough* (i really need to see a doctor about this cough)

:THWACK!:

Or pick up a copy of Gray’s Anatomy – the book, not the TV show. It has pictures of all the bits and their proper names.

booty as it was not as good as foxy’s but certainly had Jason’s attention.

I knew it. The other fox (I assume it is Mangle) looks just like Foxy except less attractive, so she’ll have to settle for the protagonist’s sidekick.

“hello there my names Gabe but most people call me Micheal as that’s my middle name” i said

Then why the hell didn’t you introduce yourself as Michael if that’s the name you prefer?

as i offered my hand out as she came up and took it “hello mike names Mangle”

Given that these are robots who are much stronger than humans, I’m kind of hoping she literally took his hand – just ripped that bad boy right off.

And he said he wanted to be called Michael, not Mike; I have a cousin by that name and if you call him anything except “Michael” he acts as if you’ve just spit in his face.

(i don’t know her real name can someone tell as im too lazy)

:THWACK!:

:headdesk:

Yes; yes, you are exceptionally lazy. That’s one of your primary problems, author; you are just too damn lazy.

she said as i smiled as Jason soon pushed me out of the way and ran up to her as he introduced himself try to put a suave impression on which failed as he fell almost immediately as none of us could help but laugh

I’m sure Mangle will find his klutziness endearing and not the least bit annoying.

as mangle helped him as she smiled “your funny” she said as Jason’s face turned red as a tomato from embarrassment but anyone could tell he took it as a compliment

Well, I know if someone told me I was funny I would take it as a compliment.

as the went to the play room as mangle worked the room

With their new “sexy” chassis, this could take on an entirely different meaning. The pizzeria might have been turned into Freddy Fazbear’s Robo-Brothel.

and with Jason being there none of the kids tried taking her apart as chica headed to the kitchen to make some pizzas for my party

The animatronics are just there for the children’s entertainment – they don’t actually prepare the food.

and lastly Freddy and Bonnie went back on the stage as me and foxy ran to the cove which was closed but me and foxy didn’t care as we ran into the cove and giggle as we ran in knowing a raid of the play room would begin \,

I really hope “raiding the play room”is not a euphemism for anything.

to bad for Jason as we were fully stocked with swords and paint.

The swords make a little sense, Foxy is supposed to be a pirate, but paint? This is a restaurant that serves food to children; they aren’t going to allow paint to be flung around. That would violate so many health codes, not to mention the cleaning bills – both for the restaurant and from angry parents.

Flashback end

:waves tiny flag:

Awesome. That served absolutely no purpose except to make the audience intensely uncomfortable. When’s the next one?

As soon as i pulled up i was also pulled out of my thoughts as the restaurant still looked like it did all those eight years ago

Wait, that means that Gabe/Michael is twenty? How is he that old? He’s just starting college and is apparently still going through puberty!

with a few differences like the paint job but that was about it

The “it looks exactly the same, only different” description doesn’t work, but it especially doesn’t work when there was never a description in the first place.

as i soon parked up front and exited my car as i left my stuff in as i didn’t need it yet,

You might need the coat or a change of clothes, since you are still naked. It would be bad to get arrested for indecent exposure on your first day.

as soon as i came into the restaurant i couldn’t help but take a deep breath in of the delicious smell of the pizza and cake

Enjoy it now because soon it will feel like caustic gas invading your every pore. I’m not joking; working with food is probably one of the best diet plans ever.

as i looked around to see a good amount of happy faced children and adults alike as the kids ran around playing as chasing each other

The kids might be happy, but the parents are probably on the verge of having nervous breakdowns.

or all sitting down in front of the stage as they seemed to be waiting for anamatronics as they had not gone on the stage yet…

See, I told you it would be really busy. This is a terrible time to have an interview.

sadly i wanted to go say hi to them after all these years ive missed my old friends as i scanned the crowd hoping to at least see one but sadly not even foxy was out here.

Yeah, because that’s not at all creepy.

“hello sir how may i help you” a voice behind me ask which startled me as i jumped up as she laughed

Gabe/Michael is constantly getting laughed at, he even laughs at himself.

as i turned around to see a 20

:THWACK!:

or so old woman

Old? Aren’t you twenty as well?

with curly gold locks and pale skin complexion and a rather thin and athletic frame

If I hadn’t just read that mild wank-fest featuring Foxy I would assume that she’s going to be the love interest.

as i shook my head an smiled “I’m here for the job interview” i said as she put down the menu she had in her hand as she most likely though now that i wasn’t here for the food as i laughed a bit “and also get a nice slice of pepperoni and mushroom pizza please” i said

That’s very unprofessional; you’re not making a good impression here, y’know.

as she nodded to me as she lead me to her bosses office as we passed the security office to see Jason right there eating a rather extra cheesy pizza which seemed to be bit to much as i laughed to which he looked up with a fake hurt expression “ya real mature laughing at guy whose fighting with pizza” he said as wave to him as he returned it as he started his onslaught on the pizza once again.

Never mind, they apparently don’t mind their staff goofing off while they are supposed to be on duty.

” I see you know Jason” she said as she smiled as well as i laughed a bit more

Or Gabe/Michael enjoys watching the mild suffering of others. They didn’t actually speak to each other and barely acknowledged each other.

“Hes the one who told me about this place hiring and also hes my best friend” i responded as she nodded as the continued until we came upon a door with a plac that read Managers office as she walked in an gestured for me to follow

Is she the manager?

as i thanked her and walked in as i sat down across from a desk from a portly fellow with a kinda fat and jolly old guy as he smiled

Wait, he just walked into the manager’s office and sat down? He didn’t wait to be introduced, or introduce himself, or even wait to be invited in? That’s just all kinds of rude.

“So i here you want to become our night guard” he said as i nodded as he reached over the desk as i gave him an confused look as he laughed

Again with the laughing! Am I supposed to understand what is so funny – or even what the hell is going on?

“can i have you papers” he said as i blushed slightly in embarrassment

Like his ID and what-not?

as i handed him over my application

Where the hell did he get an application?

as he looked over it “A degree in Auto Mechanics and Two years of ROTC, and Boxing and kick boxing training” he listed

What a load of bullshit. He doesn’t have a degree, this was literally his first day of college! And he can’t have served in the Reserve Officers’ Training Corps for two years since they are college-based and – AGAIN – this was his VERY FIRST DAY. He might possibly have been in the JROTC that long, but not the actual ROTC.

And boxing /kickboxing isn’t exactly going to prepare someone for the duties of a security guard; now if he had any military service and/or law enforcement training, either of those would be very helpful.

as i nodded “my mother enlisted me into boxing when i was young as most of the time i walked to school and she was overly paranoid” i said

I fail to see how learning to box, which has a very strict set of rules that must be followed, would made you more able to defend yourself. If you get in a real fight with someone they aren’t going to wait while you put on your gloves and cup and try to find your mouth-guard.

as he took out the recommendation letter that i had from Jason as he promised me it

WHAT?!? First he pulls an application out of his ass and now he has a letter of recommendation from someone he hasn’t seen since before classes started this morning? And when did Jason ever promise to write a letter for Gabe/Michael?

 and he nodded as looked over everything “can i ask you a question” he asked with full seriousness in his voice as i nodded “will you be able to work tonight” he said

Frickin’ hell. Are you even going to pretend to check his references or do a background check?

Much like dating a porn star, working at a pizzeria is probably one of those things that only sounds good in theory. If you spend six to eight hours a day around something, you are you quickly discover that familiarity breeds contempt and even outright revulsion.

as the memory of the call earlier flashed in my head as nodded my head

I hope he realizes you don’t get paid on a daily basis and typically have to wait several weeks before you see your first paycheck.

as his smile returned “well then lets get you set up as we close at 10”.

More timeline shenanigans. The appointment was at six-thirty and Gabe/Michael arrived early, so it might only be six o’clock or so. That’s four hours before the restaurant closes and six hours before the twelve-to-six shift starts. That’s close to an entire shift before he even starts working.

AND HE IS STILL NAKED!

He got up right after that as he gestured towards the door as we both walked out of his office and started our trek back to the security office

By way of the scenic route, considering how much time they have to kill.

“Names Harry Fazzbear” he said

:snerk:

No, it’s really not.

as i shook his hand once more

For the first time since they never shook hands before now.

“names Gabriel Micheal Cruz” i said

Do you mean to tell me that nothing you gave him had your flippin’ name on it? And you haven’t mentioned it before now? Sweet mercy, have you ever had a job before?

as he patted me on the back “well mike lets get you suited up” he said as i nodded

Does that mean he’s finally going to get some clothes?

as we soon entered the room to see a bored Jason with an overly stained shirt which i could bet that the pizza won the war as i chuckled as we walked in

I really question this company’s hiring policies and workplace training programs.

as he looked up from the cameras as he handed me my pizza that i ordered earlier

That the blonde woman knew to bring here rather than the office where Gabe/Michael was last seen. Did she know he was going to get hired and brought here?

as i thanked him as i practically inhaled the gooey goodness called pizza,

Most restaurants do give an employee discount, or even free food, but you can’t just eat whenever you like. You are there to work, not goof off and stuff your face with free food. Just look at Jason – he’s wearing more pizza than he ate. That’s a prime example of why you don’t eat while you’re working; not only is it a distraction, but he’s probably made a mess of his work station and could potentially damage the equipment.

after my delicious pizza the to me to a closet at the back of the security office

:crosses fingers:

Please don’t be the second part of the interview.

which had a rack of fresh crisp uniforms of all sizes

Unless that closet is the size of a small store, I don’t think this is plausible. If the uniform was just a t-shirt and Gabe/Michael had to provide his own pants (a common practice in restaurants) that would be more likely since it’s possible to store many different sizes of t-shirts in a small area, but full uniforms typically have to be ordered in the wearer’s size and often paid for out of pocket.

and a small caged area of confiscated items

Confiscated items? This is a pizzeria, not a police station.

as he soon told me to pick a suit as i grabbed it and put it on including a hat and a security belt with a walkie-talkie, mace(spray not the medieval weapon),

:THWACK!:

You really didn’t need to clarify that.

a taser, and lastly a small medical kit for cuts and scrapes as there were alot of kids but the weapons confused me as i looked at him.

That’s a lot of stuff for someone who is just going to sit in an office and watch monitors all night while the place is locked up and there’s no one around. Not only will there be no kids with cuts and scrapes, but most places cannot offer any kind of medical aid, not even a bandage, for liability reasons.

“why the taser, and mace” i asked as he paused for a sort moment “robbers, thieves, drunk parents” he said bluntly as i nodded at the explanation

That is a stupid explanation. First off, he’s working from midnight to six in the morning, so there aren’t going to be any parents, drunk or otherwise, in the location. (Would a kid-themed restaurant even serve alcohol?) Secondly, there is a very easy way to deter criminals like robbers and thieves (which are the same thing) – put the safe with all the cash in it in the security office and then keep the doors locked. If you see someone breaking into the restaurant on the monitors, you call the police and let them do their job. Most places skip the step of having someone monitoring the place in person at night and just install an alarm system.

as we walked out of the closet as he handed me two more things, A flashlight, and a HUGE set of keys as i gratefully took and put them on my belt

Because nothing gives you a false sense of power like a big bunch of jangly keys! Well, maybe a gun – but guns don’t make that satisfying jingle. Not really sure why he would need a lot of keys; he’s a night guard and not a school janitor. Are there even that many doors, and wouldn’t it be easier to key them all alike rather than giving all the employees big bunches of keys?

“Jason will teach you the rest before his shifts up” he said as i nodded “well im going home have a good night Mike and if any thing happens call me okay especially if you have questions” he said as he walked out

Is the manager leaving early? I didn’t think the restaurant closed until ten and that should still be hours away.

as i walked over to Jason as he sat back in his chair and motioned me over “Okay Mike its pretty simple, right mouse goes through the one on the right side of the building and the left mouse button goes through the left side okay

That makes absolutely no sense. Does clicking on the left mouse button cycle through the cameras on one side while clicking on the right mouse button cycles through the other side? Where do they stop being “right side” and “left side”, or does that mean there are no cameras at the front or rear of the building? Why use “right” and “left” at all, since those are things that can change depending on which direction someone is facing. Most places use cardinal directions, such as north or west, to avoid this confusion. What if you need to view a specific camera? Isn’t there a way to access them individually without having to go through all of them?  That’s terribly inefficient.

and also i recommend not using that much as this place is switching to a new power company but sadly it need to be re-wire to here so were on a gas generator so limited energy” he warned

Kudos to the author for making at least a half-assed attempt to rationalize the power consumption aspect of the resource management gameplay mechanics, but it makes no sense. If the restaurant was in the process of being re-wired then there would be no electricity in use at all – and there would be no customers or employees around as well. Even if they are using a generator for whatever reason … This is a kid’s restaurant, which probably has a ton of lights, game machines, ovens, and other massive power sponges, so any gas generator they are using should be a pretty robust model capable of lasting for a long time when most of that stuff is shut down for the night. And gas generators will produce more power if you put more gas in them, so the power is limited only by Gabe/Michael’s willingness to do actual work.

as i nodded as the first thing i did was unplug the stupid fan as it seemed to be shit anyways

A small desk fan draws a tiny amount of power, probably less than a lightbulb’s worth, so this isn’t going to do much in regards to conserving energy.

as he got up and looked at his watch “well my shifts almost up,

What the hell? Jason’s shift shouldn’t be anywhere near over!

do you need to do or ask anything before i go” he asked

Yeah, here’s a wild idea; how about you TRAIN HIM to do the job!

:THWACK!:

Dumbass.

Jason showed Gabe/Michael how to scroll through the cameras and told him there was a generator somewhere in the building – that was it. There’s been a loss of at least four hours here, and that little chat didn’t take anywhere near that long. It should have, if he was getting any kind of real training, but it didn’t. There was no safety briefing, no instructions on what he’s expected to do or tasks he needs to complete, nothing – they just handed the idiot a Taser and stuck him in an office. The manager told Gabe/Michael to call him if Gabe/Michael had any questions, but then he didn’t even leave any contact information. Hell, he was just handed a fist-full of keys without having any idea what they are used for! High school kids working at McDonalds receive more in-depth training than this before they are allowed to drop nuggets in the fryer.

And I just realized they gave him a walkie-talkie, but he’s going to be the only one there at night. There isn’t going to be anyone for him to talk to.

as i thought remembered my bag as i nodded as i raced through the restaurant

:headdesk:

Jason asks Gabe/Michael if there’s anything he needs to do or has any questions to ask him, and then Gabe/Michael immediately runs out of the restaurant without saying a word. I would find that to be very suspicious behavior.

with what was left of the stragglers leaving as i grabbed my stuff

The fic’s timeline is just getting more and more rushed. The restaurant closes at ten, so if there are still customers around then it must be close to that time. Businesses don’t really want people hanging around after closing and often resort to various measures (making announcements, putting chairs up on tables, turning off the lights, that sort of thing) to get people to leave. Gabe/Michael’s shift doesn’t start until midnight so presumably that is when Jason’s is over. There’s a sizable time gap, at least an hour and possibly up to two hours, here.

to meet Jason at the front door as he patted me on the back “see you tomorrow, also don’t worry about the doors i locked them have good night bro”

Dude, how is he supposed to get inside if you’ve already locked the doors? Can you at least show him which key to use so he doesn’t have to try them all? And aren’t there still customers inside?

he said as i smirked “get some beauty sleep your ugly face needs it” i said as he flipped me off as i shut the door locking it tight,

:headdesk:

How did either of you manage to get a job if you act like that in front of customers?

after i walked to my office pulling out my stuff and placing it around

Because that’s the most important part of a job; to make sure all your personal items are placed just so on your desk.

as i connected my phone to my speaker

He unplugged the fan because it would use too much power, but is perfectly fine with wasting juice on a speaker. That makes sense. And isn’t that supposed to be a Bluetooth speaker?

Is he even allowed to listen to music at work? Some businesses are very strict about that sort of thing, and since he’s a security guard the restaurant would probably prefer it if he wasn’t distracted.

as i took one last looked at the monitor as i started playing…

Last look? Dude, your job consists of nothing but monitoring cameras – that’s all you should be doing! Frickin’ slacker. You could at least wait until you get bored to start goofing off.

The scene with the speaker seems to be just a way of inserting more song lyrics (in this case Nightmare by Avenged Sevenfold) into the fic and like most song lyrics they are completely pointless so I’m just going to cut them out. After that we go right in to an all-bold Author’s Note.

So guys how did you like it please tell me i love them reviews

What I don’t like is the implication that you only want people to leave reviews telling you how much they liked this thing.

and also this aint not Furry X human stuff,

:blinks:

Gabe/Michael, a human, was having carnal feelings about an anthropomorphic fox (and an anthropomorphic chicken. And an anthropomorphic bear. And an anthropomorphic rabbit.) I don’t know what you would consider “Furry X human”, but I think that falls under the category. If he was attracted to them because they were robots I would assume the presence of those exaggerated female features he found so fascinating would be a turn-off rather than a turn-on.

not that i hate furries but no im not having that

Dude, did you even read that flashback? You are so having that.

and for those who read the first version you know what happening and what i mean so that about it

I seriously doubt anyone reading this knows what is happening because it is just so frickin’ hard to follow what is going on. I’m taking notes and I’m still struggling.

i might put a poll on pairing later so well ya Dark out~

I am not a big fan of authors putting polls up on their pages to help them decide what to do in a fic, it feels too much like they are asking their audience to do their job for them.

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77 Comments on “1765: The New Security Guard – Chapter 2”

  1. BatJamags says:

    which unbeknownst to some of the other kids that transferred from the same high school as me were astonished as i was smiling, the first since my parents and sister past away.

    What happened to the perpetual mischievous smirk? Did the author decide that smugness isn’t as edgy as emo-ness?

    And how can you be inconsistent about something like this in a story you already wrote? I mean, geez, there’s not outlining, and then there’s… this.

  2. BatJamags says:

    as grabbed a fresh pair of a shirt an jeans as i hopped into my shower (no naked shower scene for you and you and you…at least not yet jk)

    What I’m interpreting from this is that he took a shower with his clothes on. When I was a kid, I once got into the shower while still wearing underwear, and my parents made fun of me for weeks (It seems to have rotated out of their “embarrassing stories about our child” repertoire, fortunately). Honestly, this is much more entertaining than a naked shower scene. I mean, he actually put on fresh clothes to get into the shower!

  3. BatJamags says:

    solid masses of text

    I read that as “sordid masses of text,” which is also appropriate.

  4. BatJamags says:

    “its called renovations” she responded as thanked my mom as i smiled as we came upon the restaurant as smiled at the new building which was pretty big as the put a stage and play room, awesome

    Aaaaaaaand MatPat’s going to have to rewrite the timeline again. I hope you’re happy with yourself, Lazy Darklord.

  5. BatJamags says:

    as i cursed my elementary school for teaching us about the basics of sex

    First: If you’re twelve, you should be in middle school.

    Second: Like Ghostie pointed out, Elementary schools don’t have sex ed. Can you imagine how many outraged parents that would create?

    Third: I’m not sure just knowing what sex is allows you to be attracted to people. It’s not some magic on switch, it’s an instinct.

    Oh, and Fourth: WHAT THE FUCK?!

    Uh, so to speak.

    • GhostCat says:

      Hell, high schools barely have Sex Ed and it’s mostly “sex is a thing, but you shouldn’t have it because you will get all the STDs and also a baby.”

      Of course at twelve just saying “boobs” out loud would have everyone in a five-foot radius giggling like mad rather than consumed with irrational lust so having a frank discussion of reproduction wouldn’t go well even if the parents didn’t pitch a bitch-fit.

  6. BatJamags says:

    my rather large blush across my face

    You’re about to have a rather large fist across your face.

    • BatJamags says:

      :distant explosion:

      I’m sure that was nothing.

      Rocket Glove tests are going better than expected.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    as this story once upon a time had like 5 chaps

    Ok, if I don’t see five young, well-spoken Victorian males in the next few paragraphs I am going to be very disappointed.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    as this story once upon a time had like 5 chaps and around 15k words

    Gosh, wherever did you find the time to produce such a weighty tome? That’s, like, three whole LotD riffs!

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    this author has registered themselves as a beta reader for fics written in English

    I almost want to give him Palaven’s Dogs or one of my Lovecraft deconstructions just to see what he would do with it.

  10. BatJamags says:

    (i don’t know her real name can someone tell as im too lazy)

    Mangle is Foxy, genius.

    Or at least one of the versions of Foxy.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Not to sound cruel or anything, but how is this in any way relevant to the work? Did Stephen King natter on about getting his oil changed or having to go get a new typewriter ribbon before every chapter of Carrie?

    Although if he did that would actually be kind of awesome.

    This fellow, however, is no Stephen King.

    • GhostCat says:

      Stephen King’s non-fiction works, like Danse Macabre and the forewords of his books, often contain personal anecdotes but he doesn’t pull them into his fictional works. It would kind of ruin the atmosphere he’s trying to build.

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    i actually had the chap ready when i came out with the first but my computer on its own accord did a hard reset an screwed me over

    Well, here in the New Millennium we have these magical devices called hard drives where, if you put a document on one and restart the computer, the document will still be there! Isn’t technology amazing?

    • GhostCat says:

      I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – anyone who only uses one form of storage and doesn’t have at least one backup (preferably more than one) deserves to lose their stuff.

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Ring RING RING!” My phone rang

    Now I’m imagining his ringtone literally being himself saying “Ring RING RING!” in the most obnoxiously enthusiastic voice.

    That would either be the worst ringtone ever or the best, I really don’t know which.

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    Relaxing? He just found out his house is going to be foreclosed upon and he has no money to pay for his school books – relaxing is the opposite of what he should be feeling right now.

    as a very feminine voice came over “hello this is Freddy Fazbear pizzeria my names lory how can i help you” she asked as i sighed “I’m calling about the ..night guard position’”

    Because a security guard position is totally going to allow him to pay off an entire goddamn mortgage, plus living expenses.

    • GhostCat says:

      According to the previous chapter the pay is twenty dollars an hour, which works out to one hundred and twenty a shift or eight hundred per forty-hour week (before taxes and insurance and 401k, of course) assuming he’s a full time employee. That would be a phenomenally good – one could even say unrealistically good – salary for a twenty-year-old kid with zero experience and no education to speak of. If he’d actually be able to pay his bills and still be able to afford more than Top Ramen and hot dogs depends entirely on how much his mortgage is and how past-due it has gotten. Lenders will work with debtors to make a payment plan rather than expecting someone to pay off an entire past-due amount all at once, but again it depends on the situation.

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    combing my hair to the side to look like a gentleman

  16. BatJamags says:

    as i thanked her and walked in as i sat down across from a desk from a portly fellow with a kinda fat and jolly old guy as he smiled

    *GASP*

    Santa Claus was the true villain all along!

  17. BatJamags says:

    I hope he realizes you don’t get paid on a daily basis and typically have to wait several weeks before you see your first paycheck.

    This is something that’s in the games. The calls from Phone Guy make it clear that this is a new job for the player character (at least in FNAF 1 and 2 – you’re not a security guard after that) and if you make it through all five nights, you see your paycheck (implied to be why your character bothered sticking with the job for even that long). So that’s a whole (work)week, at the very least.

  18. AdmiralSakai says:

    The HELL did you just say?!? What kind of elementary school has sex ed classes? I’m not questioning that a twelve-year-old knows about sex – this is the age of the Internet, after all – but I am questioning the idea that there are sex ed classes in an elementary school. The American school system (and the FNAF series is based in the US) is phenomenally backward when it comes to anything regarding sex; most of the time schools try to pretend sex doesn’t exist (or focus solely on abstinence-only education) which is just stupid and probably one of the reasons why teen pregnancy is such a big problem.

    Actually, my elementary school did indeed have a (very basic, segregated) sex ed class at the end of 5th grade.

  19. BatJamags says:

    mace(spray not the medieval weapon)

    Or you could just avoid the ambiguity and call it pepper spray.

  20. BatJamags says:

    keep the doors locked

    Don’t be ridiculous. Keeping the doors locked all night consumes too much power and lets the animatronics in!

    Which isn’t stupid and counter-intuitive video game logic at all!

    • GhostCat says:

      And it’s not like there’s any way to physically bar a door in a way that doesn’t consume power.

      • SC says:

        You’d think there’d be some kind of manual locking mechanism that allows the doors to be powered down and thereby leave the animatronics beating their heads against the wall, but I guess there’s a reason why the pizza joint was canonically canned for being stupidly unsafe.

        • GhostCat says:

          Give me a little time, some flat bar stock, my good cordless drill, a box of screws, and the right bits and I could make those doors both animatronics-proof and zombie-proof.

      • SC says:

        *Bifocals’ pencil snaps into splinters*

        Bifocals: ARE YOU STEALING MY FUCKING JOB?

  21. BatJamags says:

    What the hell? Jason’s shift shouldn’t be anywhere near over!

    Fuzzyface’s shift is 12:00 AM to 6:00 AM. That’s six hours. Sidekick was on duty somewhere in the 6:00 PM to 6:30 range, and assuming his shift is the same length as Fuzzyface’s, then it should be 6:00 PM to 12:00 AM. There’s no way it took Fuzzyface six hours to talk to Santa Fazbear.

  22. SC says:

    Welcome to writing, honey – it’s two percent pure pleasure and ninety-eight percent soul-shredding grunt work that no one will ever see.

    God damn it, now I’ve got Fort Minor stuck in my head.

  23. SC says:

    If you’re not only writing fiction in a language but feel comfortable enough to be judging the works of others written in that language, then don’t try to use “Don’t blame me for doing poorly, it’s not my native language!” as an excuse. It won’t work.

    Refer to my argument from the previous chapter – if you want to try and write, let alone assist with writing, in a language you don’t fluently speak, then it’s fair game for me to assume that you actually know how said language works at the very least.

  24. AdmiralSakai says:

    and with Jason being there none of the kids tried taking her apart as chica headed to the kitchen to make some pizzas for my party

    I’m just glad she’s not making him a sandwich.

  25. SC says:

    Wait a second … His appointment is at six-thirty, so if he has two hours until then that would make it currently four-thirty. He left school at two-thirty, so that means his house is two hours away from his school. That’s a long commute for just one class; I live in Raleigh, NC so this would be like me driving a hundred and thirty miles to attend UNC-Wilmington down on the coast.

    Let’s see… closest campus to me is Mendocino College, which is about twenty minutes from where I live. Since I’m almost as far north as one can be in California (barring Redding, I mean) (Ha! No I’m not, I just looked up a map of all the Northern California counties. Mendocino County is practically in the Bay Area!), that would mean that I’d have to travel south to reach the campus two hours away from me, which would be…

    …UC Davis, in Sacremento.

    • GhostCat says:

      If I was picking a campus based solely on how close it was, I’d have a number of options much closer – like Duke University in Durham, UNC’s main campus in Chapel Hill, or NC State in downtown Raleigh – that I hear are pretty decent schools.

  26. SC says:

    “A degree in Auto Mechanics and Two years of ROTC, and Boxing and kick boxing training” he listed

    Oh, fuck right off, I refuse to believe that a pile of human excrement like you passed muster in the ROTC.

  27. AdmiralSakai says:

    WHAT?!? First he pulls an application out of his ass and now he has a letter of recommendation from someone he hasn’t seen since before classes started this morning? And when did Jason ever promise to write a letter for Gabe/Michael?

    And why would they care about a recommendation letter from some random dudebro who may or may not be his roommate?

    • GhostCat says:

      I don’t think Jason is Gabe/Michael’s roommate since there was no indication he was at Gabe/Michael’s house at any point, they didn’t meet up until Gabe/Michael got to school.

      Where I work having a reference from a current employee is good, but you’d still need outside references and would have to pass a background check as well. You also can’t hire someone if they have a “close relationship” with an employee currently at that location, such as siblings or spouses, for security reasons. I don’t know if roommates would count, but I’ve never known of any employees who were living together and working at the same location. I would find it a little suspicious if Jason recommended his dudebro for a job since that’s a classic set-up in fiction for some kind of robbery or burglary scheme.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        I forgot that Jason apparently worked there too.

        (What actually is his job, though? All he seems to do is sit around and eat pizza.)

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Why does a pizza parlor need a day guard?

        • GhostCat says:

          :shrugs: Why does a pizza place need a night guard? I could kind of understand why they would need one during the day – the cash is out in the registers and thus more accessible and there’s apparently so many thieves, robbers, and drunk parents all over the place that they need both a Taser and pepper spray – but at night the cash should be either kept in a safe and/or taken to their bank’s night deposit and everything else should be locked up tight so a decent alarm system would be loads cheaper than having a live person sitting there on their ass all night.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Well if it’s anything like Chuck E. Cheese, a full SWAT detail with tear gas would not be out of place.

  28. SC says:

    i work on this pretty much all day

    Yours is the stench of a liar.

  29. AdmiralSakai says:

    and also this aint not Furry X human stuff,

    :blinks:

    Gabe/Michael, a human, was having carnal feelings about an anthropomorphic fox (and an anthropomorphic chicken. And an anthropomorphic bear. And an anthropomorphic rabbit.) I don’t know what you would consider “Furry X human”, but I think that falls under the category. If he was attracted to them because they were robots I would assume the presence of those exaggerated female features he found so fascinating would be a turn-off rather than a turn-on.

    I find this particularly amusing because in Palaven’s Dogs (where, since I restructured the quarians to look more alien, humans are the only species with substantial amounts of hair), “furry” is used as a derogatory term for humans.

  30. TacoMagic says:

    The HELL did you just say?!? What kind of elementary school has sex ed classes? I’m not questioning that a twelve-year-old knows about sex – this is the age of the Internet, after all – but I am questioning the idea that there are sex ed classes in an elementary school.

    I actually remember having the basics of sex ed in elementary school in fifth/sixth grade. It was only a few days long and didn’t go into much detail, but they covered most of the basics at a bit of an arm’s length.

    We didn’t get to see the video of the naked people or the big book of VD until middle-school.

  31. Swenia says:

    I seriously doubt that’s where the blood is rushing to right now.

    Guys! I think she’s talking about the penis!

  32. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “Booty(haha shes a pirate) *cough* were enough to make chicka blush,”

    Arrr, that be some damn fine booty! It is harrrdly a wonder that landlubber “chicka” is embarrrrassed by such a haul! Yoho!

  33. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “…which had a rack of fresh crisp uniforms of all sizes

    Unless that closet is the size of a small store, I don’t think this is plausible. If the uniform was just a t-shirt and Gabe/Michael had to provide his own pants (a common practice in restaurants) that would be more likely…”

    I’m just glad he’s finally putting on trousers.

  34. Swenia says:

    I really hope “raiding the play room”is not a euphemism for anything.

    I like to raid the The Ruby Sanctum if you know what I mean.

    *Eyebrow waggle*

  35. TacoMagic says:

    Would a kid-themed restaurant even serve alcohol?

    Actually, yes. Chuck e Cheeses almost universally have a license to serve alcohol. Because parents need that shit*.

    *Seriously, you try bringing children to that hell-hole without something to numb the pain.

    • GhostCat says:

      I wasn’t entirely sure; I don’t, as a habit, frequent such places. North Carolina also has some rather draconian rules regarding where and when and what strength of alcohol can be served so some restaurants just do without the extra income so they don’t have to deal with the hassle.

      • SC says:

        California is similarly draconian with their distribution of liquor licenses. Having a bar in California used to be no sweat, now it’s a big deal, and even sneezing wrong can get your license revoked and your establishment shut down. I dread to think what hoops Chuck E. Cheeses have to jump through here.

        • GhostCat says:

          We’re one of those states that has an Alcoholic Beverage Control Board and there’s a million little rules; you can only buy “spirituous liquor” from an ABC store, there’s limitations on the proof that can be sold as well as the strength of beer, alcohol can only be sold at certain times – 7AM to 2AM Monday through Saturday, but not until after noon on Sunday – and if you’re at a bar all alcohol has to be consumed by 2:30AM and the bar will take your drink and throw it out if you’re not finished, there’s no such thing as a “happy hour” and no BOGO or Ladies’ Night or similar specials nor can wine be included in the price of a meal, drinks must be served singly so even if you order two beers they can only bring them to you one at the time and have to remove the previous drink, etc…

      • TacoMagic says:

        In Wisconsin, license drink you!

  36. Swenia says:

    and also this aint not Furry X human stuff,

    Booo! *Throws popcorn*

    Wait, “aint not”? I see what you did there.

    not that i hate furries but no im not having that

    Poor kid is so deep in the closet he’s tangled in last year’s winter coat.

    • GhostCat says:

      According to every English teacher I’ve ever had, a double negative does not make a positive. It does make English teachers turn this weird reddish-purple color, though. Also, being an English teacher in the South, with our penchant for unusual turns of phrase, must be a special kind of torture.


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