1758: The New Security Guard – Chapter 1

 

Title: The New Security Guard
Author: The Lazy Darklord
Media: Video Game
Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
URL Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, Patrons, and welcome to a new fic!

This one is notSubnautica fic, but it does come from a video game source material – Five Nights at Freddy’s. There’s been a number of FNAF fics in the Library, so I will dispense with the usual SC-style info-dump and just move on to the fic – after taking a peek at the summary.

A college kid needs some work after his life goes to hell and his friends got the place and it pays pretty good for a pizza parlor

The grammar is wonky but that doesn’t sound all that bad…

(ok there will be sexual scenes and possible lemons and lots violence in the beginning and lots of cussing… I own nothing!)

And there we are.

Will make break off stories!

Those are typically called “sequels”, y’know.

Hello everyone Dark here bringing you an revised and redid chap of my Fnaf so as of late I’ve been going through writers block for most of my stories, and require fixes especially on my grammar so instead of fixing one thing of my stories its going to be re-written mainly because this is my best reviewed and read story so far and so I feel you guys deserve way better content then I was previously bring to the table, and to what I said on the last chapter before I re-wrote im am going to put those who followed and favored my story

What I gather from that all-bold Author’s Note is that this fic is an updated version, but the fact that the AN is nothing but a massive run-on sentence does not fill me with hope.

The author also includes two lists, one of everyone who had favorited the previous version of the fic and one for everyone who had signed up for alerts of the same fic; there’s about two dozen names but I’m just going to cut them out because they add nothing to the fic at all and just don’t belong in it.

These are those who have been with me pretty much since the start so thanks guys for the support and I hope you enjoy the New Fnaf , as always I own nothing …sadly so without further ado….lets

That’s all well and good, but this is the kind of thing you should put in a blog or your bio page, not in a chapter of a written work.

Chapter One: The search of a job

Yay, the chapter is starting! But it’s still all in bold for some reason.

In a town of Greenville Pennsylvania there was a teenager named Gabriel Michael Cruz who was an average kid he was at a height of 5’8

:THWACK!:

No.

and well built from being apart of the school weight lifting program at school, including when he was younger apart of a Boxing gym (truth I actually was trained in boxing and kick boxing and was in a weight lifting program at school),

Yes, yes; and he’s the top street fighter in the world and well-versed in all forms of martial arts.

That parenthetical statement may be an Author’s Note, if that’s the case it is the kind of irrelevant personal information that doesn’t belong in a written work.

his looks were different but no overly

Nandatte? What is that supposed to mean?

he had a head of hat hair that was black but with blond tips with a black element hat on top of his hair as we went down to his face

Wait, as who was going down where? And what is the point of this passage? Why is the chapter starting with a character description?

he was barely hitting puberty and you can tell he was going through out as he had some acne and a small mustache and goatee that he was growing

I bet they are those sparse, scrubbly, whispish things that boys grow when they first learn they can make facial hair and they have to constantly touch it as if to reassure themselves that they still have it.

but what really stood out was his eyes as he had baby blue eyes that had a mischievous gleam within them as a smirk seemed to permanently printed on his face.

BAAA!

Yeah, sorry; I think the PCC has a rubber stamp or something that they use on fic characters to save time.

POV Gabe

:repeatedly kicks desk:

Why, fic gods, why?!? WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A POV TAG??!?

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Why is this Gabe person beeping?

“five more minutes you piece of -” I started as it vibrated it way onto my head as it fell from my head rest onto my head as I groan in pain as I rubbed my head as I got up placing it back in its place as I got up wit a scowl on my face as I walked into my bathroom as I got ready for the day as I got dressed in a plain white T-shirt and some blue jeans as I walked out of my room into my kitchenas I got myself a bowl and filled it cereal and milk as I ate I silence as I looked around my house that the state generously gave to me after they took my families old house as I reminisced the last time I was in my house.

That is all one sentence, as was that all-bold passage that apparently served no purpose except to describe a character before actually starting the chapter proper. (And wasn’t he described as wearing a hat of some kind? Who sleeps in a hat?)

We’ve had daybook writing in the Library before (so many, many times) but this is one of the most concentrated nuggets I’ve seen in a long while. It’s like speaking to a small, excitable child who tries to shove every word possible into a conversation.

Why is he looking around his house while remembering the last time he was in his house? I assume the second house is the one “the state” took away from his family, but I don’t know why “the state” would have given him a house unless he lives in some weird house-based communist regime.

Flashback time (kind of early but its better that way)

:headdesk:

Dammit!

Why is the flashback early? Is there some written rule as to when a flashback is supposed to occur? I mean, I wouldn’t jump to a flashback ten seconds after (twice) introducing a character, but I don’t see why there has to be a flashback at all. Couldn’t the fic just start at whatever time the flashback is supposed to be taking place?

This chapters Quote: Death is not the greatest loss it is what dies inside us while we live on

Chapter quote? Why the hell does there need to be a chapter quote? Why does nothing in this fic make sense?

“Michael get down here this instant!’ my mother yelled from the hall outside my door as I woke from a nap that I proceeded to take after I finished my homework.

More daybook writing, although much shorter, but for some reason Gabe is now called Michael.

As I got up papers on my bed fell to the floor as I shuffled to my door as I opened it “what mom!’

That mom?

I yelled back in response as she came up the stairs with an angry face “don’t you dare talk to me with that attitude!’ she snarled as I growled as I glared at her

Geez, these two are just sniping at each other right off the bat.

“I didn’t have an attitude before but now I do”

Or you’re just being a teenager.

I said as she got a furious expression “you were supposed to take the trash out and clean the dishes like I asked!’ she yelled out “I had to wash them and you know that today was a busy day for me!” she yelled as my anger started growing in my chest

Is there any reason that I have to sit through this guy getting yelled at for not doing his chores?

“your not the only one who has bad days, I had to stay at school late to clean the gym equipment and then had to run to another to class get help for my homework as I walked home since you took my car keys even though its my car that I purchased with my money!” I yelled out as she screeched

Seriously, will there be a point to all of this any time soon? Gabe/Michael had chores to do but didn’t do them because he had stuff to do at school, so he’s getting yelled at; this is not exactly gripping drama.

as something we would both do that we would regret happened as she brought here hand across my face as I went down from the strike as shock filled me as I brought my hand up to my injured cheek as I looked up at my mother who still had a furious expression on her face

Well, that was surprising. Apparently. He’s acting as if she’s never done that before.

“im your mother you will do as I say and you will not talk to me that way!’ she screamed as to my left my sister was standing in the hallway to see what was happening as she seemed to laugh at my misfortune

… Is this all just some attempt at giving him some terrible Tragek Past? Because this is as much his fault as it is hers – true, she should not have struck him, but he could have just done his chores instead of being a whiny little bitch about it.

as I got up from the floor an went into my room as my mother followed yelling at me as rushed over to my stuff in my room and grabbed my backpack and filled it with some clothes and some other item as my mom yelled and made a move towards my bag as to take it out of my hands, but was pushed down by me as anger surged through me as I zipped up my backpack.

That’s a bit of an over-reaction, don’t you think? She slaps him one time and his immediate response is to run away from home?

“where the fuck do you think your going im not finished!” my mother yelled as I pushed her away as she responded to me pushing her back with another slip

Because the answer to physical violence is more physical violence!

as my sister grew a disgusted look on her face as I pushed our mother away from me, as I then walked out of my room but not until my sister slapped me as well as I paused in shock and betrayal that my older sister hit me

Again, he’s acting like this is something that has never happened to him before and that it is the most shocking thing ever.

as screamed at me for pushing our mother which made the anger and stabbing pain of betrayal even more painful

Wasn’t she just laughing at your misfortune as well?

as I ran downstairs with my mother and sister behind me screaming and cussing at me as I went to the key rack to see my keys on the hanger we ad for keys as I snatched them up and walked out the door as my mother and sister rushed to grab my arms in a futile effort to stop me as I walked to my car

They changed their tune pretty quickly, didn’t they? But what did they expect to happen, for him to just stand there while they whaled on him?

ignoring them as they yelled something at me in desperate or Frustrated tones but they fell on deaf ears as blood and anger filled my ears and vision

Ewww. You need to see a doctor about that, dude.

as I threw my stuff into my car and soon got in as I as I locked the doors before my sister and mother got into the vehicle as we so they tried prying the door open but was soon thwarted as I soon started up my car and threw it into reverse as I drove out of the driveway, as my mother and sister ran towards my car as I threw it into drive

Damn. They are really after him. Is it bad that I want them to pull him out of the car and whoop his ass?

as I drove off as my families figures faded slowly in the distance of my rearview mirror as I soon stopped a four way stop I started crying but out of the corner of my vision I saw my fathers car on the opposite side of the street as I drew my eyes to the drivers seat to see my father on the phone with and angry look

That’s illegal and dangerous as hell, dude. Hang up and drive.

as he soon spotted my car as I threw it into first as I floored it as fast as I could

Is he driving a with a manual transmission? Do kids these days even learn how to drive a straight-drive anymore? He’s not going to get very far unless he shifts gears pretty quickly – first is the slowest gear – and there’s a good chance he’s ruin his clutch in the process the way he’s driving.

as my father followed as he still had his phone in his hand,

Someone is going to have an accident if this keeps up.

which my phone started ringing and lighting up from texts and calls from my mother and father as they called

You know there’s this thing called “mute”, right? Or maybe just, y’know, turn the phone off. I know it’s a foreign concept for many Millennials, but you don’t have to have your phone on constantly.

as I drove faster than was legal as I soon exited the urban area into a highway lane as drove into the traffic as I soon lost my father in the mass of vehicles.

Thanks, author, that sudden car chase added a lot. I’m really going to feel emotionally invested in this character now!

Soon after the car chase I put my parents and other relatives on the ignored list on my phone as I soon called my friend Jason as I had nowhere to go

You can always sleep in your car.

“j-jase I need a place to stay” I said as I started to cry as I spoke into the phone as tears soon streamed down my face “Gabe what’s wrong bro?” a worried Jason responded as I inhaled my breath

What else is he going to inhale, water?

as tears streamed down my face “if M-my F-family calls don’t answer and ill be over to tell you”

Why would his family call Jason? Is Jason Gabe/Michael’s boyfriend or something?

I cried out “okay I wont…be careful man” Jason said as he hung up which I soon threw my phone down and drove over to his apartment which I soon arrived as he waited outside is apartment building as I pulled up to a spot as he waited for my arrival, as I got out of my car he ran over and helped me with my stuff as we went upstairs into his apartment.

Despite the harsh words at the beginning of his conversation with his mother regarding the unfinished chores, I’m starting to think that Gabe/Michael here has never fought with his parents before. There’s just an unbelievable amount of over-reaction on both parts.

“Gabe tell me what happened” he asked as he wait for me to awnser he walked into his kitchen and grabbed me a drink as I soon calmed down enough to speak I downed the water he got me “I got into a fight with my family” I said

Yeah, over chores. He was slapped twice and then stormed out of the house like a kid running away from home after having a tantrum.

as he nodded and listened as I told him what happened as his face went through a plethora of expressions

None of which are important enough to show the audience so the author is just going to tell us about their existence.

but the biggest was anger as he snarled out many choice words as he got up and hugged me “im so sorry Gabe…you can stay here with me as long as you need to” he said as I hugged him back in gratitude

What. The. Hell?

This is the kind of reaction you would expect from a small child, not someone old enough to drive a car.

Has the author of this fic ever had a fight with their parents before? Or did they write this while having one of those “my parents are totally unfair and are the worst ever!” hissy fits? The mother should not have hit him, or borrowed his car without asking, but if the kid is old enough to be driving he should be responsible enough to do a few simple chores in a timely manner without acting like a spoiled child.

as his phone soon broke up with a phone call from my parents as he picked it up and answered as he started to cuss out my parents out as they supposedly called to ask if I was there and to apologize to me, but was hung up on as he put his phone on silent and went over to me as he was crying along with me for my parents were like his own and he to me was my brother.

His parents not only have the phone number of his friend, but called in order to apologize to him for their actions?  And who is this Jason character that he feels confident enough to verbally berate his friend’s parents?

“come on Gabe lets go get something real to drink” he said in a tired voice as all I did was nod as we and left his home to the nearby bar.

Well, that was quite an over-reaction. If a small argument over chores was enough to drive him to drink, then Gabe/Michael might be a closet alcoholic.

Wait a second … Gabe/Michael is old enough to drink? This is just making me even more confused about what is going on right now. Typically you have to be a legal adult, anywhere from eighteen to twenty-one depending on the country, in order to drink at a bar. I didn’t think he was anywhere near that age, the all-bold character description before the chapter began said he had barely entered puberty. He’s either an incredibly late bloomer or he is far too young to be driving or drinking.

Flashback over (sorry for depressing part guys but it need to be here for what im planning)

It wasn’t depressing, just very confusing and a bit insulting to anyone who has suffered from actual domestic abuse.

I soon snapped out of my flash back

‘Memory’ – a flashback you experience yourself is called a memory.

as tears trickled down my face as my mood worsened as I got up and cleaned the dishes

Dude, you cry a lot. Do you do this every time you have to wash dishes, because they remind you of your past experience? If so, you might want to switch to paper plates.

as I got up and grabbed my backpack and grabbed my keys for I had to got to my first day of college

His first day of college? That would make him, what, around eighteen or so? Since he was doing homework in the flashback, it probably occurred when he was a junior or senior in high school – except he wouldn’t have been able to go to a bar for a drink at that age.

:rubs forehead:

This isn’t making any sense. And if he’s just starting puberty at that age, as the prologue/character description stated, then he must be suffering from some serious endocrine disorders.

as I ran out my house and locked the door behind me as I noticed my neighbor who was a rather attractive lady wink at me

Oh, yes; that seems entirely plausible and not in any way forced or contrived.

but at the moment I wasn’t in a good mood so I gave her a withering gaze as she flinched and closed her door

How dare she make a social overture! Doesn’t she know you’re supposed to be dark and brooding?

as I looked away and made my way to my car that I had just purchased from a custom car shop which was a Subaru Impreza that was a trade in for my old car

A college freshman who owns his own house, has an attractive female neighbor who flirts with him, and can afford a custom car? I know this fic’s genre is listed as Hurt/Comfort, but it seems more like a Fantasy to me.

Custom shops don’t do trade-ins like a dealership would, typically customers bring in their own car to be customized. That’s kind of the whole point of a custom shop, that they can customize your car for you.

as I smiled slightly because of my fondness for this car as I got in and plugged in my phone and started my car as a song cam on which was…

Oh, no you don’t!

The fic contains song lyrics – “The Funeral” by Band of Horses – and like most lyrics that appear in fics they don’t contribute anything so I’m just going to remove them. The only really notable thing was the fact that the author felt the need to include the “Ooooooh, ooooooh” chorus in the lyrics.

And as soon as it ended my mood changed from bad to worse as the song and rain that started to pour my day was the epitome of bad as I soon pulled up the college.

:blinks:

I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, but it is possible that the song summoned rain. Whatever happened, Gabe/Michael is in full Angst mode right now.

POV NOBODY

:headdesks:

Third-person; it’s called third-person! Why is that so hard to remember?

After Gabe parked he went into the school to his friends Jason and his group of regular friends came up towards him

It’s his first day of school; how does he already have a group of regular friends? Most schools don’t issue your packet of friends until after freshman orientation.

as Gabe quickly put on a mask of a smirk on his face

Baaa?

I don’t know if a mask counts. Don’t you have some kind of rule book for these things?

he talked to his friends as he made jokes and pointed to cute or hot girls and pointing out their ass-ets (sorry I’m an ass man sue me)

:THWACK!:

It doesn’t matter what you like, it matters what the character likes. And I have half a mind to give you another one for that terrible attempt at a pun.

as they laughed and joked around until class started as the separated into different areas as Gabriel and Jason soon headed over to similar areas

Welcome to the Void University, where we have areas for you to do stuff with the things.

“So …how you holding up Gabe” Jason bluntly stated as Gabe looked up to him as his mask fell off knowing that it was compromised

Wait, was he literally wearing a mask during his conversations with his friends? That’s kind of creepy.

“how did you know?” Gabe asked with a depressed tone

Because you’re nothing but a massive sack of Angsty Teen tropes?

as Jason looked at him “your not that good at hiding your true emotions to me,

Given that he practically has “Look how sad and moody I am!” written across his forehead, I’d say he’s not good at hiding his emotions from anyone.

we’ve been friends forever Gabe I know when something is wrong” he spoke as Gabe sighed

Oh, something is very wrong with him. I’m making a list.

as he nodded “I feel bad …every since they …passed away” Gabe spoke in a emotionless tone as Jason nodded

Really, fic? You’re trying to play the pronoun game now?

I assume ‘they’ is Gabe/Michael’s entire family, but what I don’t understand is why they have suddenly been killed off. Is this just more Tragek Past?

“and did you get your books for school?” Jason asked as surprise and shock went over his face

Since it’s the first day of class I would sure as hell hope they have their books with them. And which ‘he’ is being surprised and shocked? There are two male characters having this conversation, so the pronoun can apply to either one.

“But im majoring in auto mechanics?” he said as Jason face palmed

:headdesk:

Unlike some of my esteemed colleagues in the Library I am not a college graduate, but I’m fairly certain no legitimate university would offer a degree in Auto Mechanics. An online diploma mill might, but not a reputable school. The closest thing I can think of would be a degree in engineering, probably mechanical engineering, although it is also possible that he’s just taking some courses in automotive repair at a community college. Regardless, he should have his books and other materials with him since there are probably very few classes that wouldn’t have some kind of accompanying textbook.

“you still need books dingus” as Gabe shrugged

Exactly!

:points at Gabe/Michael:

You took a bookbag from your house – what the hell is in it if you don’t have any books?!?

“moneys tight I don’t have a job as off the moment” Gabe responded

Then how the hell are you able to afford a house? And a car? And your frickin’ school tuition?

as Jason looked at him with an surprised facial expression at his nonchalant tone as Gabe looked at him as he soon sighed

There’s a whole lot of looking going on right now. And I think the author’s favorite word is ‘as’.

“you can work with me they need a position for a Night guard” Jason spoke as Gabe raised an eyebrow as he motioned Jason to continue

No, they need a person to fill a position – the way you’re saying it doesn’t make any sense.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is the “improved” and edited version of the fic. Can you imagine what the original must have looked like?

“Its at Freddy Fazbear Pizzeria and their paying $20

:THWACK!:

bucks an hour which is great as the day guard like me get paid $15

:THWACK!:

and hour and you only stay midnight to six” Jason continued as Gabe interest spiked as he smile a genuine smile

The way this is phrased makes it look as if Jason, the day guard, gets paid fifteen dollars an hour to work from midnight to six and he’s complaining about his short work hours.

Even fifteen dollars an hour is an unrealistic salary for an unskilled worker to expect from a part-time job – it’s over twice the current federal minimum wage – but I seriously doubt anyone would hire a guard with zero experience and zero training just based on his buddy’s recommendation.

“woah really its be forever since I’ve been there” Gabe spoke as Jason nodded

You know you would be there to work and not just goof off, right? And if you start working at a place you enjoy going to, especially if you’re working a low-level grunt job, you are very quickly going to hate going there. Example – I used to love seafood, all kinds of seafood. Then I worked at a seafood restaurant for several years when I was in high school. Now I can’t stand even the smell of seafood.

“heres the number and ill give my boss a recommendation for you” he said as Gabe smiled as Jason gave his number as the soon came to were they part ways as they waved and went to their designated classes

Off to the Void with you both! Go learn things, even though one of you has absolutely none of the supplies needed to do that!

POV Gabe

:headdesk:

Frickin’ hell.

‘YAY! Its been forever since I’ve seen the gang I wonder if they still remember me’ I thought as I took a picture out from my wallet which had me on the shoulders of Foxy as the rest crowed around me in the picture as I smiled into the camera

Again – this is going to be a JOB. You are going to be expected to do actual WORK if they hire you. And the ‘gang’ in question is a bunch of animatronics that (as far as Gabe/Michael knows) are not sentient and thus would not “remember” anything that isn’t in their programming.

which brought me into my memories as I reminisced

Oh, no; not another one. You can’t possibly have two flashbacks shoved together like this.

FLASHBACK

:kicks desk repeatedly:

最悪の言葉!

(yes two flash backs deal with it )

:THWACK!:

 This is how I deal with things.

“Come on my little Cruzier’ my mother called as we left my house and got into our car

That’s a weird nickname to give your child, especially when you both have the same last name.

as I strapped myself in “where are we going Mommy?” I asked as she smiled at me as she started up her car

Without any sort of indication as to how big a time-skip just occurred, I’m just going to assume that Gabe/Michael is still a teenager.

(You should all be very grateful that I’m breaking up this massive run-on sentence, because the original is just an endless stream of words.)

“well first lets go pick you Jason and then were going to Freddy’s, you dad got a raise so were going to celebrate!” my mother squealed in happiness as I smiled as I jumped up and down in excitement at the news of going to Freddy’s and that My best friend Jason was coming

The father got a raise but the mother and son – and the son’s best friend – are the only ones celebrating it? That’s a bit odd.

as we soon went over to the town orphanage tat my mother worked at as we picked Jason up as he shared my excitement at the new as we hoped around in the backseat as we spoke of things we could do “lets as Chica if we can help cook or ..um …bonnie can teach up how to play the guitar or maybe-” we were shooting out in rapid fire

This fic can do one thing – it can replicate the frenetic chatter of a small child rather well. Pity the entire fic is like this.

but were quieted down by my mothers laughter “I know you happy but please calm down boys” she chastised as we looked down in embarrassment as nodded “sorry Jason)” as she just smiled

Wow. Among all that mess, the author managed to use “chastised” correctly.

“you could play with Foxy im sure wants her first mates to got on an adventure with” my mom said as me and Jason gasped and started making more plans and ideas as my mother laughed as she picked up her phone and spoke to my father and to tell him that we’re on way and that we were almost their as they spoke over the phone on how their days were how my sister was from school

What is it with these people and ignoring the rules of the road? And how long ago does this flashback take place? The omnipresence of cell phones is a relatively recent phenomenon.

as we soon arrived at our destination as we pulled into the parking lot as me and Jason took of our seat belts and rushed in and looked around to see the crew on the stage minus Chica and Foxy who were probably in the kitchen or the cove as we rush off in different directions, Jason went off to find Chica and me to find Foxy.

This must have happened years ago; these days no one would let kids just run off by themselves.

I soon made my way into the cove to see a deactivated Foxy with her access port open in her chest

Dude, no! There might be hypothetical children present!

and some repair parts and a manual on the floor as I ran over “foxy are you Okay!” I said as I shook him

Seriously, how old is this boy supposed to be? Can he not differentiate between real people and animatronics?

 as he didn’t even respond as I started to freak out but notice a manual which had instructions about replacing his battery and some screws as I soon grabbed the tools and went to work taking the battery and old screws out and replaced them and I noticed extra so I too the one his joints out and use every screw I could use and sprayed WD40 on his joints as I grabbed the old screws and tools and put them on a near by table

…This isn’t answering my question, it just raises more questions.

I’m also curious about the whole repair procedure. How does replacing a battery necessitate replacing screws? And is he even replacing the right screws with the proper replacement parts? He just found a bunch of extras, shoved them in, and then squirted WD-40 on everything and called it a day.

  and his the on switch on the base of his neck as he activated without a hitch

:headdesk:

And of course it worked! A kid who doesn’t realize animatronics are artificial would totally be able to read a complicated repair manual.

as he stood up and stretched his metal joints as his face was soon astonished as he looked around for his repairman to thank him

He’s doing what now?

Is the author trying to pass the animatronics off as being sentient right from the start? Because that makes this repair job even more puzzling and not a little disturbing.

but instead was I tugged on his fur on his chest

Could you please stop doing that? Especially since your mother said he was a she.

as he looked down to my smiling face as I hugged him “Cap’n Foxy!” I screamed as I hugged him

AHHH!!!! :flails around wildly: GET IT OFF ME!

as he smiled and laughed “Me fir’st mate!” he hollered with a pirate swagger

I don’t … What? That’s not how words do.

as he soon let go of me as his expression turned into a confused one “were is my repairman?”

I sold him to Crunchy for some magic beans. I get cranky when I haven’t had my coffee.

he asked as I pointed at myself as I laughed at his bewildered expression as it was just as quickly replaced by a smile “thank ye matey” he said with a smile

The animatronics aren’t capable of complex facial expressions – their heads just aren’t designed for it.

as the other animatronics came into the cove

Character Blob, assemble!

“Foxy I see the repairman did his job” Freddy spoke with a smile as foxy nodded and pointed to me “Gabby did it” he said with pride emanating from the other present as the went over to us and lifted me up

Wait, how does Foxy know who Gabe/Michael is? He never told Foxy his name.

“lets get some pizza” Chica and Jason spoke in unison as we all laughed

Where the hell did Jason come from? The two boys went off in different directions and there was no indication that he had followed Gabe/Michael into Pirate’s Cove. You would think he would have said something while his friend was repairing a large anthropomorphic fox robot.

“you both just think with your stomachs” I said as they looked hurt until they joined the laughter

The animatronics don’t require food – Gabe/Michael should know this since he just personally replaced the battery in one of them.

as my mother came into view with a camera and snapped a picture

Photo opportunity first, child’s welfare later!

“now lets go get something to eat boys” my mother said after the picture

:points to animatronics:

They probably would have done it if you hadn’t interrupted them.

This is why punctuation is so important, people!

as we ran into the dinning area to see my father and sister waiting as we ran forward “Gabe-Gabe-Gabe-“

Is that an echo effect? It must mean the flashback is coming to an end.

Flashback over

Called it.

-GABE!” a voice yelled at me as I looked up to the teacher glaring my way as I laughed as I raised my hand “Present” I said as he huffed but continued

How the hell did Gabe/Michael manage to get all the way to his class while in the middle of a flashback fugue state? And how does he know that the teacher was calling attendance and not asking him a question regarding the material? Come to think of it, I don’t even know if college classes take attendance.

as I sighed as I slumped into my chair as I looked down to my phone ‘I’ll call that place later’ I thought as I went back to watching the teacher.

Where did the phone come from? Gabe/Michael was looking at a photo earlier, but there was no indication it was on a phone.

So did you like it please tell me I love das reviews so thanks guys Dark out~

I don’t mind when authors request reviews, but the way this is worded irks me. The phrasing implies that the reader should only leave a review if they liked the fic, presumably if they didn’t like it then their opinion doesn’t matter. That is not how criticism works.

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106 Comments on “1758: The New Security Guard – Chapter 1”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s

    Oh god, not another one…

    • GhostCat says:

      On the plus side, the first chapter has almost no connection to the source materials and instead primarily focuses on establishing the OC as a moody grump-bucket; on the minus side things get … weird in the next chapter.

  2. BatJamags says:

    Gabriel Michael Cruz

    Not one sentence into the fic proper and we already know the author’s real name. Wow.

    • BatJamags says:

      (truth I actually was trained in boxing and kick boxing and was in a weight lifting program at school)

      And he even admits it! I’m not sure if that makes him better or worse than Loser Martin.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    the school weight lifting program at school

    *BLARING ALARM BLARES*

    • GhostCat says:

      Weight-lifting would be more entertaining if it was done in school-weights; just think of someone bragging about how they can bench-press a kindergarten.

  4. BatJamags says:

    but what really stood out was his eyes as he had baby blue eyes that had a mischievous gleam within them as a smirk seemed to permanently printed on his face.

    That sounds like a face I’d like to punch if it weren’t for the fact that teenager beards are gross.

    • GhostCat says:

      And they’re always so proud of them even though their proto-beards make them look like half-fledged baby birds.

      • agigabyte says:

        I can vouch that facial hair looks even more stupid when one sees it in a mirror.

        I think all of these people are blind.

      • SC says:

        As a proud owner of a legit (though desperately in need of a trim) goatee, I can confirm that, looking back on my teen scruff years, I looked like an utter ass.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    “five more minutes you piece of -” I started as it vibrated it way onto my head as it fell from my head rest onto my head as I groan in pain as I rubbed my head as I got up placing it back in its place as I got up wit a scowl on my face as I walked into my bathroom as I got ready for the day as I got dressed in a plain white T-shirt and some blue jeans as I walked out of my room into my kitchenas I got myself a bowl and filled it cereal and milk as I ate I silence as I looked around my house that the state generously gave to me after they took my families old house as I reminisced the last time I was in my house.

    OH

    MY

    GOD

  6. BatJamags says:

    “five more minutes you piece of -” I started as it vibrated it way onto my head as it fell from my head rest onto my head as I groan in pain as I rubbed my head as I got up placing it back in its place as I got up wit a scowl on my face as I walked into my bathroom as I got ready for the day as I got dressed in a plain white T-shirt and some blue jeans as I walked out of my room into my kitchenas I got myself a bowl and filled it cereal and milk as I ate I silence as I looked around my house that the state generously gave to me after they took my families old house as I reminisced the last time I was in my house.

    Have you never read a book? Did you not notice that most paragraphs have multiple sentences in them? Did you not think there was a reason for that?

    I understand authors who try and fail to have decent grammar, but this level of wrong has never made sense to me.

    • GhostCat says:

      I’m fairly certain that the author isn’t a native English speaker – the Author’s Note in the next chapter states that this fic was the longest thing they’ve ever written in English – but that’s not really a valid excuse and it doesn’t even begin to explain the rambling and lack of punctuation. If you’re going to write and publish works in a language, then you should be familiar with that language’s mechanics.

  7. BatJamags says:

    “what mom!’

    The mom with the power.

  8. BatJamags says:

    she responded to me pushing her back with another slip

    What, like a slip of paper? Or did she slip and fall?

    • SC says:

      I like the slip of paper one.

      “That’s ANOTHER Detention for you!”

      (Detention is still a thing in college, right? Or do they just not give a single solitary shit by that point?)

      • GhostCat says:

        Attendance to class isn’t even compulsory, so I doubt they could make a student to go to detention.

      • BatJamags says:

        Nah. In college, unless you commit a crime or something really serious, you can do whatever and they really can’t do anything about it because you’re an adult (or at least, most college students are, in theory) and they’re not the government (or they’re only kind of the government, if they’re like a land grant school or something).

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    This chapters Quote: Death is not the greatest loss it is what dies inside us while we live on

    Chapter quote? Why the hell does there need to be a chapter quote? Why does nothing in this fic make sense?

    And why didn’t you just put the chapter quote at the beginning of the chapter like a normal person?

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    as my sister grew a disgusted look on her face as I pushed our mother away from me, as I then walked out of my room but not until my sister slapped me as well as I paused in shock and betrayal that my older sister hit me

    This guy seems to have a Thing about being hit by females. Just gonna point that out.

    • GhostCat says:

      The whole thing is just so … so over-done. Even soap operas and telenovelas aren’t this melodramatic.

      • SC says:

        This one, in particular, plays like a Spanish soap opera.

        Now all we need is for their dad to suddenly pop in wearing a nice suit and go, “My son! You have disgraced your father!” or something like that.

    • SC says:

      You know what I noticed more?

      The fucking “as I” being used to lead into the next action each character does.

      I want to fucking kick something. A lot.

      • GhostCat says:

        I gave up counting how many times “as” appears in the fic, because it is all over the damn place, but it easily shows up a dozen times in each sentenceograph.

      • SC says:

        I believe I’ve made this argument before – it’s fine if English isn’t your first language, but if you’re able to write in English, or attempt to at the very least, I’m not too terribly out of line expecting that you’ve had SOME measure of training with English literature, am I?

        LightBlueLightning was Serbian, I would like to remind people. And her writing, at the very least, was legible enough to pass for someone who just didn’t pay attention during English class.

      • GhostCat says:

        Often times the only noticeable difference is the occasional wonky work choice; many non-native speakers have better grammar than we natives since they didn’t pick up any bad habits from colloquial speech when they were learning.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, like, one of the earlier Mass Effect fics we riffed that was written by a German dude? It was an awful story, don’t get me wrong (that janitor was fucking incredible, though), but I recall that it was otherwise structurally sound in terms of spelling and grammar.

  11. BatJamags says:

    I gave her a withering gaze as she flinched and closed her door

    If you want a character to have a powerful stare, you’ve got to earn it. Generally, it works better with authority, charisma, and a reason to fear the person beyond just the fact that they’re looking all intense.

    There’s an OC in a fic I’m planning to write who could probably cow just about anyone with a look. He happens to be one of the most powerful, charismatic, and manipulative Sith Lords of his time, and he’s (probably – I’m still working out the plot) the villain of the piece. And he wears a scary-looking mask most of the time, so there’s that too.

    This guy is a random college student with a bad mood and a fuzzy chin. See the difference?

    • TacoMagic says:

      So he’s a charismatic version of Nihilus?

      • BatJamags says:

        Sort of. I’m not as familiar with KOTOR 2 as I am with 1 or TOR (actually, he’s based on the Sith Inquisitor story from TOR), but while he’s certainly very powerful with the Force, he’s doesn’t really have a gimmick like Nihilus’ voidy stuff and there are still plenty of both Sith and Jedi who could thrash him in a direct fight. His charisma, political power, and ambition are his main assets. So, overall, I’d probably describe him more as an intimidating (when he wants to be) version of Palpatine. He does have the skull mask thing going on, though.

  12. BatJamags says:

    I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, but it is possible that the song summoned rain. Whatever happened, Gabe/Michael is in full Angst mode right now.

  13. BatJamags says:

    “But im majoring in auto mechanics?” he said as Jason face palmed

    You’re a freshman, yes? Unless you’re majoring in English, math, or maybe history, you probably won’t take anything even close to your major until you’re a junior. Gotta get those gen eds out of the way, man.

    • GhostCat says:

      I’m pretty sure the author knows less about college than I do and the last time I was on a campus was in the late-1990s for a Hootie and the Blowfish show.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Depends on your college, I think. My freshman year of undergrad was about a 50/50 mix of entry level engineering/math/science courses and non-pertinent gen ed.

      By senior year the ratio was more like 90% pertinent and 10% whatever remaining gen eds I had floating around that I needed to get rid of.

      After having been through the whole shebang, I can safely say that probably 95% of the gen ed courses were there to drain money out of the student via pointless credit padding. The only course that I felt was really valuable were the ones focusing on writing mechanics.

  14. BatJamags says:

    Go learn things, even though one of you has absolutely none of the supplies needed to do that!

    Or they could watch the football game. The Void State Thingies are a solid team, though their strategy of doing stuff doesn’t tend to work well against USDQF’s ability to always have the ball where and when they need it.

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, but it is possible that the song summoned rain.

    Well that’s what happens when you include the ‘Ooooh oooooh’ part of the chorus, don’t you know?

  16. BatJamags says:

    “Gabe-Gabe-Gabe-“
    -GABE!” a voice yelled at me as I looked up to the teacher glaring my way as I laughed as I raised my hand “Present” I said as he huffed but continued

    No, but seriously, in a college class, there are people who miss every day. If the professor doesn’t get a response, he’ll just move on.

    as I sighed as I slumped into my chair as I looked down to my phone

    And this usually goes something like this:

    Professor: Looking at something interesting, Gabe?

    Gabe: Uh… no… I guess not…

    Professor: Then I’d appreciate it if you put your phone away.

    • SC says:

      I once had a teacher tell me that you could go to college and never attend any of your classes. You’d never graduate, sure, but you could just bum around at the dorm all year if you so chose.

      He quickly followed this up with, “but if you’re just gonna do that, why bother going to college?”

      • BatJamags says:

        I have been in class sessions where every member of the class was in attendance, but it was always small, high-level classes, and I’ve never seen an entire class get through a semester with a perfect attendance record.

        Which never made any sense to me because of exactly your teacher’s logic. If you’re paying to go to college, you should probably actually go as often as you can.

      • SC says:

        Especially since you’re gonna have a fun time making that money back once you’re out, so maybe try and get a head start on that, hmm?

        (I of course mean that you could opt out of living on-campus and pick up a job on the side in between classes. You’ll have like no fucking free time, but you’ll also have a better footing on that whole issue of having to pull yourself out of outrageous student debt later.)

      • GhostCat says:

        Unless you have a very generous employer with an excellent continuing education program that encourages employees to attend school by reimbursing you for your tuition – you still have no frickin’ free time because you work forty hours a week on top of attending classes, but at least you don’t have to take out student loans.

      • SC says:

        Considering I just walked away from my current, four-hour-per-shift job to go start a new eight-hour-per-shift one because my work week got hacked down to nothing and I was draining cash faster than I was making it, I’d say no free time versus having money isn’t that hard a choice to make.

      • GhostCat says:

        Not usually. Money’s kind of an important thing to have, what with groceries and mortgages and car insurance payments.

  17. SC says:

    so I will dispense with the usual SC-style info-dump and just move on to the fic

    Nooooo, my royalties!

  18. The CRB says:

    Personally , the upside of that pile o ‘ words titled ‘ The New Security Guard ‘ was reading The Declaration of Ravioli in the reviews section .

  19. SC says:

    “Foxy I see the repairman did his job” Freddy spoke with a smile

    What is it with FNaF fics making the animatronics have almost full sentience? That bugs me so bad. A big point of the game is that they don’t talk, and are just machines, but the way they behave is indicative of a deeper level of understanding than anyone realizes. Is it really so hard to write a fic where they behave like they actually do in-game? Like, give them characterization, sure, but don’t have them actively going “blah blah blah scheme scheme scheme.” It actually detracts from what makes them scary, in my mind.

    Some of my favorite characters in written works are the ones who, for a good portion of the story, have zero dialogue, and the author is just writing how they think and feel about something, or what they’re doing, how they’re doing it, and such and so forth. It makes them seem mysterious and you have to wonder what their allegiances are and whether you should be rooting for them or not, and it’s a good storytelling element.

    • GhostCat says:

      What I don’t like is the common trend of giving the animatronics a full range of facial expressions; not only is it physically impossible for them to smile or frown or whatever, but it’s lazy to fall back on the “smile = happy, frown = sad” visual shorthand when there’s so much more that could be used in a written work to show the audience what the characters are feeling.

      • SC says:

        That’s part of it, too – they’re MACHINES. They don’t emote.

        Another one is that these fics always seem to portray them as flat-out evil, when it’s actually more that they’re acting out of a misguided sense of work ethic – “Hey, buddy, what are you doing out of your suit? You gotta get into your suit, bud! Come on, let’s get you in your suit.” And they don’t exactly realize that humans don’t mesh well with animatronic suits, thereby inadvertently killing that person. That they need to sneak about and jump your ass is still something that I don’t quite understand, but I can let it slide because it’s supposed to be a game about pop-scares in the first place.

        The only animatronic that could be seen as legit evil is the Puppet, and maybe Mangle, since they’re made out that way in-canon, though in Mangle’s case, she’s probably more insane from being constantly broken and put back together again wrong than intentionally villainous like the Puppet is made out to be.

      • SC says:

        Oh, and this is just me speaking from knowledge of the first two games. It’s to my understanding that there’ve been several more made since then, and I don’t know diddly-squat about those.

      • GhostCat says:

        Yeah, they get a bit more … morally ambiguous as the games progress. The first game was straight jump-scares, it wasn’t until later that the developer started mixing in deeper story elements. A lot of it gets left open to interpretation as well.

      • BatJamags says:

        And any given interpretation of the plot probably won’t survive into the next game, as evidenced by the (Hours? Probably hours at this point) of content Game Theory has put into just figuring out what the actual hell is going on in these games.

      • agigabyte says:

        At the very least, adverbs would be nice. Smiled humorlessly; smiled shortly; smiled too-sharply, etc.

  20. agigabyte says:

    I got to preview this one in advance thanks to a Discord Call, and it’s somehow even wore than I remember.

  21. Delta XIII says:

    Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s
    Oh, dear God!

    (ok there will be sexual scenes and possible lemons
    OH DEAR GOD!!!

  22. KittyNoodles says:

    Oh, God, this thing reeks of tumblr teen angst. Hating your parents and feeling picked on is just so hip and edgy!

    Yes, Gabe/Michael, your life is so difficult. You had to stay after gym to help clean the equipment (which most teachers don’t require anyone to do unless it’s punishment for misbehavior during class, in my experience) and then take time out of your precious multiple martial arts clubs to get help with the same hours-long homework load everybody else in school has to juggle. That’s so much more stressful than keeping bills paid, working a full-time job you probably hate and dealing with clients/coworkers who probably make it worse, and raising at least one spoiled little shit who thinks he’s tough because he’s on a school sport team.

    So tough he goes after his mother for taking “his” car (even though he’s a minor and therefore legally does not own shit, regardless of who paid for it) and then smacking him like she had every right to. And then packs his shit to leave and has the nerve to feel betrayed when his older and clearly far more mature sister acts in their mother’s defense.

    Little boy, you’re lucky you didn’t grow up in my household. You’d have had your ass tanned so hard you wouldn’t be able to sit still for a month the second you pulled the Victim Olympics card with my mom.

    I actually can’t make it through the flashback. Did anyone read farther than that? Does Gabe/Michael get crammed in an empty Freddy suit and reduced to a fine paste with eyes and teeth? Or at least slapped stupid repeatedly by the animatronics?

    Especially Foxy; please tell me Foxy takes his hook and rips Gabichael a new asshole.

    • SC says:

      Well, at some point, the animatronics start talking and emoting like actual people, and I guess Gabe/Michael went to Freddy Fazzbear’s at one point in his life because he hopes the animatronics “remember him” when he inevitably picks up the security guard job. Past that, couldn’t really tell you.

      • KittyNoodles says:

        I have never hoped to read anus wreckage so badly in all my life.

      • SC says:

        Interestingly, he’s named after two fuckasses we’ve had the misfortune of meeting IRL at family gatherings in the past.

      • Delta XIII says:

        I was almost named Michael, but my mother insisted on a different name because both sides of my family already had a metric crapton of Michaels.

  23. Swenia says:

    (ok there will be sexual scenes and possible lemons and lots violence in the beginning and lots of cussing… I own nothing!)

    Okay, real talk, I’m into some pretty kinky stuff, but sex with haunted murder bots? I’m just gonna nope out of that right now.

    • SC says:

      Glasses: Murder bots are awful sex partners. All the metal joints catch on the worst places, and they don’t stop trying to gnaw your face off even when you call the safe word.

      • GhostCat says:

        It was probably a bad idea to make “Gnaw my face off!” the safe code.

      • SC says:

        Glasses: It works for Shades.

        Shades: The fuck is that supposed to mean?! I’ve never had sex with you! What the fuck have you been doing to my drinks?!

  24. TacoMagic says:

    BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

    We’ve secretly replaced the reader’s Gabriel with an active bomb. Let’s watch!

  25. Swenia says:

    I started as it vibrated it way onto my head as it fell from my head rest onto my head as I groan in pain as I rubbed my head as I got up placing it back in its place

    This, right here, is why you keep the vibrators in your drawer, not on the headboard. Turning them off after you pull them out is also a good rule to follow.

    • SC says:

      *Bifocals “discreetly” takes notes, while trying to ignore the fact that her face is as red as a tomato*

      • Swenia says:

        *Slips a business card into Bifocal’s notebook*

        If you give them my name, you can use my frequent buyer discount.

  26. TacoMagic says:

    As I got up papers on my bed fell to the floor as I shuffled to my door as I opened it “what mom!’

    There, there mom. There castle.

  27. TacoMagic says:

    Unlike some of my esteemed colleagues in the Library I am not a college graduate, but I’m fairly certain no legitimate university would offer a degree in Auto Mechanics. An online diploma mill might, but not a reputable school. The closest thing I can think of would be a degree in engineering, probably mechanical engineering, although it is also possible that he’s just taking some courses in automotive repair at a community college. Regardless, he should have his books and other materials with him since there are probably very few classes that wouldn’t have some kind of accompanying textbook.

    Pretty much. You can major in automotive engineering, as I have a cousin who did just that, but it’s a branch of specialized mechanical engineering. Specialized engineering degrees like that generally work with you taking all the courses of your primary engineering degree (mechanical engineering in this case) and then utilizing a bunch of your flex courses for those geared toward your specialization.

    That said, you could probably get an associates degree in automotive repair, but it’s more likely that you would go to a trade school for automotive repair. And in that case you wouldn’t get a degree, per se, but rather become licensed.

    • SC says:

      Hell, I don’t think even strictly automotive-centric schools call it an “Auto Mechanics degree,” and they would have every reason to.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Right, it’s more likely going to be called Automotive Technology or Automotive Service Technician or somesuch.

      • GhostCat says:

        Even then there’s going to be some kind of textbooks involved. Students wouldn’t be expected to learn how to rebuild a carburetor from memory. That was the main thing that bugged me, that because he was going to be a mechanic he didn’t need books. My father was a mechanic for over forty years and I know he had reference books for various models.

      • SC says:

        Even my one year of welding class had reading in it, however finite is was. And informational safety videos, and you weren’t allowed out in the shop without suiting up in the proper welding attire…

      • GhostCat says:

        I took two years of shop class (including introductory electronics) and I definitely remember reading being involved. Most of it involved stuff like “How not to horribly disfigure yourself while operating a soldering iron” – Don’t grab the tip. It’s hot. – but there was some reading. It’s not like they were going to turn us loose with a box of transistors and a few batteries and let us try to figure out what all those colored bands meant on our own.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Gosh, it’s almost like the author is a (junior?) high-school-age suburbanite with no idea what college is actually like!

      • GhostCat says:

        Given what happens when Gabe/Michael applies for a job I seriously doubt the author has any idea what a job is actually like, either.

      • SC says:

        I mean, I only have a very basic idea of what college is like, if my comments have shown anything, and even that’s more than this author.

  28. CrunchyRaptor says:

    I sold him to Crunchy for some magic beans.

    *Walks in carrying a large steaming cauldron*

    On an entirely unrelated note: I have freshly made stew if anyone wants a bowl!


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