1755: Earth to Skinny – Chapter One

Title: Earth to Skinny
Author:
CrashBurnGlobal
Media:
Cartoons
Topic:
Steven Universe
Genre:
Romance/Humor
URL:
Chapter 1
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

I have no guests with me today. I need none. Any humor in this will either be black as pitch or extremely dry. Don’t complain; it’s still Lent at the time of writing, and I tried to give up an activity I do not have the physical fortitude to give up for forty-six days.

I don’t care if that’s too much information. I’m wallowing in failure, and the only way I can think of to lift my spirits is by riffing bad fanfiction.

I’m sure we’re all familiar with one CrashBurnGlobal, yes? The lovely ficcer who graced our library with his presence and expressed a great deal of dissatisfaction with our less than impressed reception of his work?

Unfortunately for CBG, doing this drew attention to him. It elevated him from bad ficcer of the week to someone worth looking at a little more closely, and so – being a creature driven almost entirely by curiosity and spite – I did just that.

CrashBurnGlobal has written a Steven Universe fanfiction.

Poorly.

Hello, naughty ficcer. It’s riffing time.

As I’ve mentioned before, Steven Universe is a cartoon about a magical little boy and his Gem friends and family. Gems, in this cartoon, are genderless, shapeshifting, sentient rocks who take the appearance of humanoid females.

It gets extremely technical from there, so be prepared for lots of nerding on my end.

This story is probably meant to just be “Earth to Skinny,” but apparently changing the summary instead of the title is too difficult for CBG, so the full title is currently “Earth to Skinny (CHAPTER 10 IS HERE)”.

I hate this story already.

Chapter 1: Famethyst Reunion

I can’t ding this one. The Crystal Gems’ Amethyst (there are multiple Amethysts in this) coined “famethyst” during the episode “That Will Be All” after discovering and immediately hitting it off with a bunch of Homeworld Amethysts.

I can ding CBG for making me blame the cartoon for coining what will undoubtedly haunt this fic as a supremely annoying overdone canon reference. I’ve got my famethyst counter at the ready.

I don’t have a name, but my friends call me Skinny.

Skinny is one of the Homeworld Gems encountered during the fifth Steven Bomb (a cluster of plot-impacting episodes released en masse over the course of a week rather than one episode weekly.) She’s the skinny orange one pictured here:

It’s by one of the show’s artists, it counts as official art, no complaining in the back.

For a sharper image, have this:

 

She gets exactly one line, and it’s a well-meant, “Prime, Prime, Prime. You Amethysts are so clique-y.” She also has maybe five minutes total screen time.

Yes, she is indeed the main character of this fic. R.I.P., Skinny’s chances of being given a decent fanon personality.

Now, about her claiming not to have a name: Skinny, being a Gem, has a designation code like every other non-fused Gem in existence. For example, Peridot’s full designation code is Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG. This code indicates a Gem’s type; the location of the Kindergarten she was created in, relative to whichever colony world the Kindergarten occupied; and (going by what Amethyst Facet-5 Cut-8XL says in “That Will Be All” about CG!Amethyst having been in the hole under hers) either which column she emerged from or how soon or late she emerged compared to others in her same Kindergarten.

They’re assembly line designations at best; so far only Pink Diamond has even been hinted to have genuinely cared about any of the Gems in her service as anything more than drones. Yellow Diamond certainly doesn’t seem to give a damn about anyone beyond tolerating Yellow Pearl’s… mildly presumptuous tendencies, and Blue Diamond seems too wrapped up in her grieving to focus on anyone other than Blue Pearl or Yellow Diamond.

Still, the designation code serves basically the same function for a Gem as our birth names serve for us; a Homeworld Gem who’s never encountered any other creature except the humans of Pink Diamond’s zoo would be very unlikely to think they were lacking a name, just as any of us would be unlikely to think the same even if we encountered another group of people who had vastly different naming conventions and traditions than our own.

And Skinny also has the moniker Skinny – a nickname given to her most likely by the Amethyst of the Crystal Gems. If we assume Skinny has always gone by her designation code before meeting CG!Amethyst, then Skinny most likely thinks “Skinny” is her new name. And if she’s gone by Skinny since before meeting CG!Amethyst, she most likely considers her designation code her full name and sees “Skinny” as her nickname.

And if this opening line is a reference to the fact that we don’t currently know what Skinny’s designation code is, then CBG is assuming that we don’t know her code because she doesn’t have one at all, and that’s just silly. We also don’t know the designation codes for the Crystal Gems’ Pearl; Yellow Pearl; Blue Pearl; Rose Quartz; Bismuth; Holly Blue Agate; Lapis Lazuli; any of the Rubies who’ve shown up; Sapphire; or the Jasper who served as a primary antagonist in the climax of season two and the primary antagonist of the first half of season four. But they all certainly have designation codes; I can’t imagine the codes didn’t exist prior to Era-2. There have to be thousands of each kind of Gem running around; they’ve got to keep track of everyone somehow.

Even if we entertain the idea that designation codes came about during Era-2, there’s a strong argument to be made that Era-2 began around the time Skinny would have been created – during or shortly before the rebellion – which would make Skinny an Era-2 Gem, which in turn would allow her to fall in the same generation of Gems as Peridot and thus allow her to have been given a designation code.

That was the first line of actual story, folks. Buckle up.

I’m currently flying through space in a roaming eye.

The roaming eyes appear to be Homeworld’s standard small reconnaissance crafts. They’re capable of faster-than-light speed travel and not much else; the one we see in the show has a scanner that seems about as effective as a spotlight when it’s used and a tracking beam that’s great for pulling small children out of the cold, unforgiving vacuum of space.

It’s bigger on the inside. No, really.

I snuck away from the human zoo, with some of my other friends.

I forgot to mention: Pink Diamond thought humans were precious – but not quite the same kind of precious as Rose Quartz, who valued both their lives and their right to live on their own world in whatever ways they chose.

Pink Diamond thought humans were the kind of precious that belonged in handbags as trophy pets. Her zoo was constructed for the sole purpose of preserving the sentient lifeforms of Earth for her own amusement.

Carnelian, JJ, and Fives, she was a Jasper just like me. Holly Blue Agate didn’t even know we were gone.

Well, Carnelian is the only canonical name here. None of the other Jaspers or Amethysts at the zoo are named at all, although JJ is a pretty clever fan name – JJ’s designation code might be something like Jasper Facet-9 Cut-##J, or she could be Amethyst Facet-5 Cut-#JJ. Fives is trickier, though. She’d have to be a Facet-9 Gem, because that’s the designation code for the Beta Kindergarten that produced the Jaspers made on Earth. Unless Cut codes go through the alphabet and then from 0-9, I can’t see how she could have enough fives to warrant the nickname.

Of course, since there’s no Jasper officially called Fives by the show, and I’m having an unusual amount of trouble finding any fan resources listing any of the unnamed Jaspers with that nickname, there’s a chance CBG borrowed Fives from the Star Wars clone trooper who bears the same nickname.

We finally left light speed. My face slammed into the co-pilot module.

No, it didn’t.

The roaming eye comes with a handful of nifty features, including two in particular: The first is a gravity engine which allows the ship to travel faster than the speed of light. The second is a form calibrator, used to calibrate the vessel’s artificial gravity to specific Gem types in order to prevent the light-based “bodies” of the Gems on board from lagging behind the ship or otherwise being crushed or tossed about while the gravity engine is engaged.

Steven and the Crystal Gems had never piloted a roaming eye until “Adventures In Light Distortion,” so none of them had the ability to work these features with any level of accuracy, which is why there was an entire episode based on terrifying and possibly almost crushing Steven to death when he panicked at the controls and turned the form calibrator off altogether by mistake.

Homeworld Gems like Skinny, Carnelian, JJ, and Facet-5555 over there all seem to be lower-ranking, soldier type Gems who might get reconnaissance duty if they weren’t stuck guarding the zoo, and therefore would certainly have received training in the piloting of this sort of ship, particularly since the roaming eyes were developed during Era-2, making them practically brand-new. If nothing else, whoever’s piloting should certainly know enough about the ship to know how to stop the thing without slamming everyone forward.

“We’re here guys, home sweet home.” JJ said getting up off of the floor. Her curly hair was ruffled and in her face, she used her hands to sway it somewhere else.

JJ, don’t lay on the floor. It’s dirty.

How did she sway her hair from her face with her hands? I keep trying it, but the only swaying my hair does is when I toss my head around like I’m on a L’Oréal commercial.

 

 

Did CBG maybe mean to say “swept”? You know, that thing you actually do when you pull your fingers through your hair (or just take hold of it) and move it away from your face?

“When do you think Naggy Aggie will find us?” Carnelian asked worriedly.

Shit, she already knows you’re gone? Either she’s better at memorizing “worthless” Gems than we thought, or you guys are the worst escape artists ever.

 

Okay, second-worst. And apparently the second escapees she’s caught red-handed!

I shot her a look and said, “She can’t, she won’t.

I sincerely doubt roaming eyes don’t have some sort of tracking mechanism that allows for two-way location. On top of that, Holly Blue is designed and equipped to be able to intimidate and likely interrogate other Gems at need, and (perhaps most importantly I  this case) the plot is going to need some sort of tension later on.

So, yes she can, and yes she probably will.

Plus why would she care about a rag tag gang of defective Amethyst guards, and Jaspers. Fives drew the roaming eye closer to the surface of earth. Before she left, the Amethyst from earth gave us the coordinates to her home town.

First of all, do not put multiple characters’ dialogue in the same paragraph. New speaker, new line break. It’s not a grade school rule you can break; if everyone is saying something different in the same paragraph, your reader is going to get confused really quickly, get frustrated shortly thereafter, and either stop reading entirely or come back to tell you everything they dislike about your writing style.

Hello, yes, I’m that second one, there.

Speaking of seconds: You need to make sure to close a spoken line with another quotation mark. Since you didn’t, until such time as we come across an extra closed quotation mark, we’re left to assume the entire rest of this story is just Skinny rambling incoherently to her friends.

Which would make more sense than the coming events actually taking place, by the way. She did just slam her face against the console for no intelligent reason; concussions do bad things to the brain.

Third: While CG!Amethyst did spend at least two full episodes palling around with the Amethysts, Jaspers, and Carnelian on staff at the zoo, I’m having a hard time believing that she was able (or even incredibly motivated) to sneak to the roaming eye parked in the docking bay, figure out the controls of a ship she couldn’t pilot any better than Steven, look up and memorize the coordinates of wherever the eye took off from on Earth, and sneak back to give the Homeworld Gems said coordinates.

Amethyst is the group’s goofball rebel. While she’s by no means an idiot, she’s not technologically inclined and is lead far more by her heart than her head. Additionally, prior to encountering the Homeworld Amethysts, she’d spent about five episodes getting trashed by the Jasper who drove a lot of season four’s plots (henceforth this Jasper shall be called the Big, Buff Cheeto Puff) and going through a subsequent crisis of identity concerning how strong and skilled she was versus how she thought she should be. Finally getting to meet other Amethysts as realizing she wasn’t nearly the screw-up she thought she was for her Gem type had her over the moon, and she spent at least part of her time at the zoo following that plotting a prank on Steven and Greg that would also rescue them from the zoo.

The zoo was also extremely hostile territory to any Crystal Gem, and the Crystal Gems were there to break Greg out and get home without being detected, so I seriously doubt Amethyst would draw attention to herself by racing back and forth through the zoo instead of falling in and staying with the other Amethysts.

But none of that is fact, not any more than Skinny’s handwave that they found Earth because CG!Amethyst gave them directions. You know what would convince me that Skinny is telling the truth? Actually getting to see more of the interaction between CG!Amethyst and the Famethyst. As in you, Crash, actually writing a prologue where we saw CG!Amethyst telling the Famethyst about Earth and convincing this handful of them to abandon everything they knew for it. That would have been amazing.

It would also have made this entire setup feel like significantly less of an ass-pull.

In a few moments we landed at a… wait what is that? We landed the roaming eye on the ground, and all four of us crawled out.

You know, there is a way to omit details to keep the reader guessing or give the impression of the narrator being distracted or pressed for time. This isn’t it.

Was Skinny momentarily confused by the concept of turf rather than the tiled floors she’s used to? Was she looking at something else? We don’t know, because she described absolutely nothing about whatever it was that she couldn’t identify. You could have at least had her wonder if the [thing] was some sort of structure. Then at least the reader would have a better idea of what the [thing] might be.

And having her wonder about the [thing] wouldn’t have been that hard. You could have written: Wait, what was that? A structure of some kind?

Bam. Five whole words, and suddenly the reader knows the roaming eye is parked on an open patch of ground near a building. It’s like magic!

“Alright quartzes move out! It’s time for a Famethyst reunion.”

Thank you, unattributed speaker. I’m sure if we knew which one of our four Gems had just spoken, that would have helped us figure out who’s running this circus. Instead I’ll just have to assume the roaming eye is now capable of speech.

And that’s a chapter title drop. Bad ficcer. There are hundreds of titles you could have come up with for this chapter that weren’t likely to be used in anyone’s dialogue. Title drops are always corny and cheap, and almost always indicate lazy writing – as if we needed any more clues.

We dispersed, but it wasn’t until a few moments that I hear a shout from a familiar voice.

Stop. Changing. Narrative. Tense. Your story is either all in the present tense, or all in the past tense. You cannot have it both ways without completely confusing your readers.

Grammar rules exist to make writing coherent and easy to comprehend, which I assume you would like for your readers to be able to do with this fic. Stop ignoring every English lesson you’ve ever had since first grade.

“SUP FAM!” The white shirted Amethyst shouted behind us. “JASPERS!”

Wow, rude, Amethyst. I thought the Jaspers were part of the Famethyst; why mention them separately from the fam?

And Skinny, if Amethyst is behind you, how do you know what she’s wearing? And if you know who’s calling you, why wouldn’t you use her designation code (Amethyst Facet-5 Cut-8XM), or at least refer to her as 8XM?

The pearl that came to the zoo with the amethyst.

What about her? You’ve got a sentence fragment here, CBG; are you working from a checklist of everything you can do wrong when writing a story?

“Skinny! Looking skinny as ever.” Amethyst said again.

Wait, when did she say it the first time? And why is she repeating the same greeting to the same person? Does she think Skinny’s gone deaf?

I looked at her, smiled and waved.

She’s close enough that she doesn’t need to shout to be heard, but sure, be a rude dick and say nothing in response. And be sure to wave even though she’s close enough to speak to, so you look extra dismissive. That’ll make the readers really like you!

Carnelian ran up and picked her up, and shouted her famous quote, “I’M NOT THE SHORTEST ANYMORE!” They both laughed and fell down.

One more instance of this and I’m making a counter for every time this fic reminds its readers it’s stealing material directly from the show.

And of course this is the quote Carnelian is known for. It’s the only thing she says the entire time she’s on screen. Her entire personality is assumed by fans based on that line and the way she delivers it. Your readers aren’t five, CBG.

“Whats going on out here, IT’S HILLARIOUS” Someone shouted.

You do not need to use ALL CAPS to indicate shouting, CBG. That’s what exclamation points are for. I know published authors have done it, too (looking a little unhappily at you, Rowling,) but that doesn’t make it any less ridiculous unless it’s used to emphasize a scream.

And… what’s funny here? Pearl and Amethyst are out greeting a Carnelian, at least two Jaspers, and potentially another Amethyst (since we never were told whether JJ is an Amethyst or a Jasper) from Homeworld who have just disembarked from a Homeworld reconnaissance vessel. Homeworld is extremely hostile to the Crystal Gems and to all of planet Earth; if anything, whoever is shouting should be very concerned about a potential attack, not amused.

I turned to the shelter behind the roaming eye.

Now you describe something. I’ve read this chapter once already and I still imagined this happening in a forest clearing. Good job, CBG, you really nailed that whole “not leaving your readers confused” concept.

A peridot with a smile, and a Lapis Lazuli, with a straight face.

Peridot, of all Gems, would not respond to this situation with a smile. She essentially cussed one of the Diamonds to said Diamond’s face – which is punishable by execution – and knows that somewhere in the universe there is a clutch of Rubies floating around who know the now-traitorous Peridot stranded on Earth is still alive and well. Faced with a group of Homeworld Gems designed to function as soldiers, she should either be having a panic attack right now or reacting with open suspicion and hostility.

THat face didn’t last for very long, after she saw me, and Fives. “What are a pair of Jaspers doing here?” The Lapis said.

Oh, finally we have a context clue that tells us JJ is an Amethyst. We’re only almost to the end of the same chapter in which JJ was introduced.

You know, when JJ was first mentioned, you could have just said, Carnelian; an Amethyst who went by JJ; and Fives, who was a Jasper like me. Again, an addition of five words, excluding her name. Still, I’m sure none of your readers found your lack of effort annoying at all, because this is posted on FF.net, where only a brave few intelligent critics dare to make themselves known and fledgling beta readers scavenge for ficcers who will let them practice on their fics.

It’s weird that CBG keeps going back and forth between talking down to his readers and expecting them to be able to read his mind. Granted, even doing just one or the other would be repulsive enough, but doing both in the same story is a much higher level of “fuck you.”

At least Lapis is expressing vague discomfort with the two Jaspers. Showing us some body language or telling us whether or not her voice cracked would have helped us imagine she’s very concerned about the Jaspers being here – which she should be, considering the only other Jasper she’s encountered was the Big, Buff Cheeto Puff and that was basically the Gem equivalent of an abusive relationship – but at this point I worry that could be asking too much of CBG.

“We escaped from the human zoo. Holly Blue dosen’t even know we are gone, hopefully.”

Oh, good, more unattributed speech. Good thing there are only eight people present and four potential speakers!

If you think Holly Blue Agate hasn’t discovered you’re missing yet, why did Carnelian ask when she would find all of you? Did CBG a word or two again?

The Lapis walked back inside,

Bullshit she did. As antagonistic as she was to Navy – a Ruby she knew was from Homeworld, but who otherwise appeared completely harmless and ready to join the Crystal Gems – throughout “Room for Ruby,” as harsh as she was with Peridot after being defused from Malachite, as violently as she reacted to the Crystal Gems once she was let out of the mirror, you really want me to believe she just walks away from two Jaspers? I don’t care what their story is, Lapis has no control of her temper at all and should have been exponentially harder to calm down than that.

but the Peridot came closer however.

*BEEWBEEWBEEWBEEW*

And you wrote a redundant sentence because you’re too unskilled as a writer not to write a redundant sentence. Now the DRD are on their way; when the DRD get here, maybe showing them this tripe will prevent me from getting my ass beat.

[The door is violently kicked in and many dozens of DRD agents storm in angrily.]

Hello, DRD. Welcome, and look at this fic that made your alarms go off. Isn’t it a doozy?

“You look different than a Jasper we know.” She said inspecting me. “I’m defective. That’s because I’m from beta.” I said back. She backed off, but her eyes narrowed, and she put her hand on her chin. “Come with me, I need to run some tests.” She said, tugging at my hand.

[The DRD agents quickly beat a hasty retreat through the door they kicked in. One of them makes a rude gesture at the screen, flipping it off angrily as he leaves.]

Looks like that last guy’s a Steven Universe fan.

CBG, did you never watch “Too Far” or “Beta”? Or do you just never pay attention to anything Peridot says or the implications thereof?

Peridot is a Kindergarten technician who has displayed the ability to determine the quality of a Gem (in terms of how gemetically* perfect they are) by looking at the hole they came out of. She could tell that Amethyst incubated for an extra five hundred years by looking at the size and texture of Amethyst’s hole during “Too Far”, and mentioned a few other things she’s been trained to analyze when going over Jasper’s hole in “Beta”.

In fact, the vast majority of “Beta” was Peridot explaining the history of the Beta Kindergarten and pointing out various exit holes to exemplify how shoddy the construction and upkeep of the Beta Kindergarten was before it was shut down. Peridot doesn’t need to run any tests, and she certainly doesn’t need to be told that Skinny was a product of the Beta Kindergarten. At most, she might want to take Skinny to the Beta Kindergarten and have her point out which exit hole was hers.

*Not a typo. A pun.

I followed, and she brought me into the shelter.

A thought occurs to me: How does Skinny go from not recognizing what I’m pretty sure is this barn:

…to identifying it as a shelter? That’s a more specific type of building than just a structure; what is it about the barn that causes Skinny to identify it as a structure meant to serve as a shelter rather than, say, a research facility or war outpost?

And to preempt what I’m sure is the inevitable:

  1. Neither telling me in the comments of this riff, writing an author’s note about it should you ever write a sequel to this story, nor creating another Q&A to address the subject count as doing your due diligence as a writer. Your job as the writer of this fic is to tell your reader these things through the telling of the story itself. Moreover, you are writing this story from a first-person perspective; that alone demands that you make the reader privy to the narrative character’s thought process at all times – during the story, not in comments or author’s notes. If you can’t write a certain perspective well, maybe don’t publish a written work utilizing that perspective without running it by a beta reader, first.
  2. You can’t tell me Skinny has an understanding of what different Earthling structures look like due to having watched or interacted with the humans at the human zoo. For one thing, the humans at the zoo are shown to sleep outside under the simulated starlight. No buildings or structures of any sort are ever shown. The humans at the zoo also have no concept of basic structural terms, because they’re all so far descended from the original humans Pink Diamond brought to the zoo that Wy-Six and Jay-Ten didn’t understand what Steven meant when he said he needed to open the door to the enclosure.They did not understand doors. And they couldn’t grasp the concept when Steven tried explaining it. The zoo humans are not builders. And their schedule is so strictly regulated by the Gems running the zoo that even if one of them wanted to try building something, they wouldn’t have time – and they’re closely monitored, so they likely wouldn’t be allowed to try anyway.
  3. Yes, this is an important aspect of the story. Everything is an important aspect of the story. One loose thread, one unanswered question, one skipped bit of a character’s thought process can be all it takes to unravel the whole thing. You are a writer. If you have somehow become convinced that this is an easy job that requires only minimal effort or care, you are also a great fool.

Before I walked in, I could see the Lapis swaying water with her hands out of some shiny pots.

Crash, why do you seem to have an obsession with misusing the word “sway” and conjugations thereof? “Sway” isn’t like “run” or “force”; you can’t use it as a linking verb, because it’s not a verb that can function as a linking verb. It’s strictly an action verb. The water itself might be forming shapes that appear to be swaying, but Lapis is not swaying it. She is controlling it.

As for the shiny pots, Patrons, your guess is as good as mine as far as what those actually are. As far as I can recall, there aren’t any–

…The toilet display. Porcelain (and hopefully new) toilets. Of course.

Alright, fine. CBG can have this one. Gems don’t need to eat, which means they don’t need to defecate, either, so of course Skinny wouldn’t recognize a toilet.

…I wonder what they think of the humans at the zoo. And how do the humans at the zoo do their business, and where? Is there a rotation for pooper-scooper Gems?

Alright, you can stop screaming and vomiting now. CBG started it and you should already be aware that my mind can be a dark and terrifying place to be.

Except the newer folks. Sorry, dudes.

She looked over at us and saw me, and shot a look of disgust. “Why did you bring her in here? She’s a JASPER!” She turned her back, and crossed her arms. “Lapis, don’t worry, she’s not like the jasper we all know from when we first came here.

This interaction is thoroughly and painfully out of character for both Lapis and Peridot. Lapis should not be comfortable enough around any Jasper to turn her back to one – not even a twiggy one like Skinny. And Peridot is nothing short of Lapis’ guard Gem when it comes to anything that might remind Lapis of her bad experience with the Big, Buff Cheeto Puff. She doesn’t even like for people to mention “the J-word” around Lapis. There is no way she’d drag a strange Jasper into the barn – Lapis’ safe haven and their shared home – without at least clearing it with Lapis, first.

“Actually, I have a huge secret to uncover.”

Wow, chunky, unnatural-sounding dialogue and a “huge secret”?

 

THe peridot and the lapis both shot me confused look.

Probably because you don’t really talk like a normal person.

Shouldn’t they be more suspicious of a former Homeworld Gem telling them she has a secret to reveal? What if the secret is that Skinny is here to kill all the traitorous Gems on this miserable hunk of rock?

“I…am… a… MALE GEM.”

 

 

The peridot fell to the floor. The lapis just stared at the ground. “I thought male gems were wiped out in the defect purge. That male gems, are just a mistake, that the…”

 

 

The lapis continued to stare at the floor. Motionless.

Oh, good, you’ve broken Lapis’ brain. I’m glad I’m not the only one struggling to hold back the swell of hellish rage until you’ve had the chance to make this total ass-pull of a revelation sound less stupid.

Also: Genderless shapeshifting sentient rocks. Their physical forms are projections of light and manifested conscience from their gemstones; their real bodies are their gemstones, and gemstones do not have the necessary bits to be male, female, or anything else. I can only assume that what Skinny meant to say is that s/he is currently manifesting a penis.

The peridot continued to stare at me all over. “How have you possibly could have survived the purge. Nobody, beside the desperate troops from the beta kindergarten made it through if they were defective.”

Are you fucking kidding me?

Again: Peridot is a Kindergarten technician. She should know Skinny is most likely one of the defective warriors produced in the Beta Kindergarten just from looking at her.

And barring that, might I direct you to your own fucking writing from two paragraphs ago?

CBG, you absolute hack, if you don’t care about or respect the people who read this load of shrakh, could you at least pretend to give a fuck about what you’re writing? Any two-bit spotlight article writer can look back over their own work and make sure they aren’t blatantly restating things they’ve already mentioned.

And if this is just you having two characters talk in the same paragraph and failing to attribute the second line of dialogue to Skinny, I swear to God I will beat you with a shoe.

She poked me with a stick, and looked at a glowing rectangle.

This story is already so insipid and so incredibly stupid that I honestly thought CBG had Peridot back in her old limb enhancers for a second.

But then I remembered Peridot recently came into possession of an iPad. So CBG probably meant that.

She really loves this thing.

“Well, you see, I changed my voice, and acted differently. Since I was assigned to Blue Diamond, it’s normal for any gem to show off this much skin. The peridot looked at me, up and down, then left.

Oh, good, more dialogue that isn’t properly capped off. Joy.

How does being assigned to Blue Diamond’s service correlate to how much “skin” a Gem shows off? We’ve seen all kinds of Gems showing off various amounts of their “bodies”, from midriff windows to torn out knees to a neckline that’s only allowed to be that low in a children’s cartoon because the Gem wearing it doesn’t have cleavage.

And she’s employed by Yellow Diamond.

Skinny’s actually one of the more modestly “dressed” Gems on the show, come to think of it.

Saying it’s normal for a Gem to show off so much skin is kind of a flimsy excuse for wearing a sports bra, anyway. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to say that Skinny is wearing that particular top to hide “his” pecs in a way that wouldn’t cover “his” gemstone or arouse suspicion from other Gems?

And on the note of hiding Skinny’s pecs and/or wearing a top to fit in with everybody else (because you are rather subtly implying that men go around shirtless all the time, and that male-seeming Gems would do the same): Why? Why did you made the decision to make Skinny identify as male? What is the reason for that?

Is it because she’s flat-chested and has short hair? Is it because when compared to Gems like Rose Quartz or Lapis or Sapphire, Skinny has more masculine facial features? It can’t be because of the one line she gets in the entire time she’s on screen.

Fine, two lines. If you can call a one-word response a line.

But honestly, why? Why Skinny? I’m not saying she’s necessarily a bad choice – as a side character who shows up for part of one episode, she’s actually a pretty great choice for an idea like this – but I can’t get rid of this nagging feeling that you picked Skinny for this because she doesn’t cut the most traditionally pretty figure. The idea itself is completely out of left field on all accounts; I’ve seen… pictures… of more popular characters from this show shapeshifting to have penises, but this is the first time I’ve seen a canon character identify as male in a fanwork.

Which is kind of uncomfortable for a lot of reasons. I don’t mind so much the idea of an OC identifying as male; that’s somebody else’s character, and they’re allowed to do what they want with their OCs, and again – genderless shapeshifting space rocks. Go for it. But changing a canon character’s gender identity, especially in such a cheap, poorly written manner and with zero explanation for it – that’s uncomfortable. That’s saying you want to change a character into something and someone they are fundamentally not so they fit your story, rather than writing a story around the characters as they are like you should.

You are a storyteller. Your job is to weave stories with the elements available to you, not change the elements around until you’ve twisted them into mockeries of what they should and could be. You aren’t writing something enjoyable or thought-provoking when you do things like this. All you’re doing is slapping words together so you can get readers who are starved for new reading material to come kiss your ass and tell you how creative you are.

I scooted closer to the lapis, who happened to be near at the time.

And, if this fic were at all honest to the canon or characters it utilizes, Lapis would have immediately blasted you away with a watery fist. But, of course, remaining honest to the characters would be putting in some level of effort.

“Do you, hate me or something?” I asked.

Did the dirty looks and verbal declarations of discomfort with your presence somehow not register with you, Skinny? What is with these shitty romance fics all needing to have overly pushy male leads? It isn’t cute, and it isn’t charming. It’s annoying at best and an early sign of stalker or rapist tendencies at worst. Knock this crap off and leave the obviously uninterested ladies alone.

She shook her head no, and said, “I… Had some bad experience dealing with Jaspers.” I turned away. She put her head on my arm, and i stood still. “You’re not like them though.”

And CBG just turned Lapis – the Gem equivalent of a rape victim – into a troubled, sweet-faced shrinking violet. Because of course he did. CBG clearly doesn’t give a good goddamn about any of the characters in this steaming pile of shit.

Chapter 2:Skinny and Lil Lappy

And to further nail home that point, Lapis is already being referred to as Li’l Lappy. CBG can’t possibly be talking about the boat. That thing sank to the bottom of the ocean well before Skinny was introduced into the show.

I’m finishing this fic. I’m copying every single chapter he’s posted so far and riffing all of them even if he deletes this garbage (and no, CBG, that is not a demand for you to do so, it is a promise to continue riffing regardless of whether or not your story remains online.)

CBG possesses little talent, less passion, and no care for his readers, story, or characters. He writes for the attention, and isn’t willing to listen to criticism of any sort when it comes his way. He is a child who has convinced himself that he is among the most skilled writers of the present age, and therefore anyone who disagrees or criticizes him in any capacity is a bully and a thug. If he actually gave a damn about his writing, he would swallow that bloated ego of his and, instead of attacking his critics, seek out their criticisms in the name of improving his writing. I have said nothing that is not blindingly obvious to anyone with an iota of sense, but I can just about guarantee that if and when he finds this, he’ll be in the comments telling me how stupid and unkind I am.

I tried to go into this with an open mind. I didn’t give myself a guest because I wanted to treat it with the respect he shows no one else, real or fictional. But he’s done nothing but vomit across his keyboard for this entire chapter, and subsequent chapters aren’t any better. So now it’s game on.

I’ll see you next chapter, everyone.

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68 Comments on “1755: Earth to Skinny – Chapter One”

  1. Angie says:

    Author: CrashBurnGlobal

    OH GOD.

    • GhostCat says:

      I don’t know who I should feel sorry for; Kitty for having to read this or CBG for incurring the wrath of Kitty.

      • SC says:

        I feel naught but glee at the suffering of both.

        But then again, one’s my IRL sister, and the other’s a douchebag, so that’s hardly a surprise.

  2. Angie says:

    She gets exactly one line, and it’s a well-meant, “Prime, Prime, Prime. You Amethysts are so clique-y.” She also has maybe five minutes total screen time.

    Yes, she is indeed the main character of this fic. R.I.P., Skinny’s chances of being given a decent fanon personality.

    Fics based off characters who said an average of two words in the source material are my absolute favorites. Props. I can’t think of a single time something like this backfired horribly upon anyone.

    • GhostCat says:

      On one hand, not having a lot of canon attached to a character can mean more freedom for a competent author to create a more fully developed character than what appears in the source materials, but on the other hand … it’s a badfic, so that’s probably not going to happen.

      • SC says:

        That’s one thing Tumblr has over FF.net: For as much as the internet likes to spit on the website for being populated by special SJW snowflakes, the writers among the ranks are stupidly good at what they do, especially with blank-slate characters like Skinny.

        • GhostCat says:

          I’ve actually found Tumblr to be a very good resource for learning a language, you can pick up a lot of interesting things you wouldn’t be able to find in textbooks.

    • BatJamags says:

      Counterpoint:

      Nevermind, you’re right.

  3. GhostCat says:

    Note to self: do not get on Kitty’s bad side.

    • SC says:

      I was on her bad side from birth, AND I CAN’T ESCAPE

    • SC says:

      But in all seriousness, I’m pretty sure getting on anybody’s bad side here is a bad thing to do.

      • GhostCat says:

        For the most part we’re pretty chill – unless you manage to piss us off.

      • SC says:

        I drove LightBlueLightning to quit the internet wholesale, and railed against Stone-Man85’s fic so hard that I’m pretty sure he quietly wrote it off as a doomed cause and left me to gnaw on it. Herr once shot down an especially pushy and bossy reader of his work with the force of a lightning bolt. He and Ert have, time and again, gone toe-to-toe with EclipsePheniox and come out victorious, even if EP won’t ever accept it. Kitty is presently ripping into a douchebag who decided to throw a temper tantrum at us. Lyle shot down REN – twice – and to nobody’s surprise, it turned out that REN was one loose screw shy of being batshit fucking insane. Taco becomes the Angry Dad when people start being shitheads. You made the aforementioned douchebag Kitty is riffing look like a tool.

        So yeah, it’s generally not a good idea to piss us off.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        There was also the bit where we basically reviewed When You’re Strange into deletion, along with another story called Freedom in Chains that lasted for all of two hours after I found and commented on it.

      • KittyNoodles says:

        Let’s not forget what happened to Holy Protector.

      • SC says:

        I believe we also got the ID fics deleted, if I’m not mistaken.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Correct, we actually got two of ID’s fics deleted for rules violations for pedophilia and explicit sexual content. After that he removed the other two and changed his profile name.

  4. GhostCat says:

    How did she sway her hair from her face with her hands? I keep trying it, but the only swaying my hair does is when I toss my head around like I’m on a L’Oréal commercial.

    Thank you for not using the video of me trying that maneuver; I ended up with a terrible crick in my neck and damn near fell out of my chair in the process.

  5. mattmanthecomet says:

    Also: Genderless shapeshifting sentient rocks. Their physical forms are projections of light and manifested conscience from their gemstones; their real bodies are their gemstones, and gemstones do not have the necessary bits to be male, female, or anything else. I can only assume that what Skinny meant to say is that s/he is currently manifesting a penis.

    Bonus points: The most masculine Gem seen so far: Topaz, who first appears in this week’s Steven Bomb, who looks like a big, square-faced dude, is still referred to with Feminine pronouns.

  6. BatJamags says:

    Author: CrashBurnGlobal

    I’ll get the popcorn. Somebody else want to grab the Badficcer Tear Receptacle?

  7. BatJamags says:

    there’s a chance CBG borrowed Fives from the Star Wars clone trooper who bears the same nickname.

    BRB, need to go mourn Echo some more.

    We thank you for your pointless and poorly-written sacrifice, o mighty hand-print-bearer! May your legend transcend all unnecessary reboots. Amen.

  8. BatJamags says:

    the plot is going to need some sort of tension later on.

    You overestimate CBG’s ability to create compelling drama.

  9. BatJamags says:

    It’s time for a Famethyst reunion.

  10. BatJamags says:

    Chapter 2:Skinny and Lil Lappy

    Ah, and I see he’s still doing that asinine thing where he puts the title of the next chapter in the current one.

  11. SupahCritic5 says:

    Hey guys! CrashBurnGlobal has a Yandere Simulator Fanfic! Wow, am I right?

    • GhostCat says:

      What is your deal, CBG? Are you so desperate for attention from us that you’ve started posting comments using sock puppet accounts since your last four comments didn’t make it through our spam filter? Because admins can see the information you use to submit a comment as well as your IP address, so I know it’s you.

    • Angie says:

      So…Crash continues to be a blight upon humanity.

    • BatJamags says:

      Damn, that’s crazy. Guys, CBG wrote a fanfic about a thing! And this person with a completely convincing name told us! It’s really weird how none of us have ever been to his profile before to look at what fics he’s written. I know I sure haven’t. And I bet this guy isn’t CBG in disguise because we all know that CBG isn’t weirdly insistent on… saying things here. Which… he thinks will… bother us. Or something.

      So yeah. Seems legit, SupahSockpuppet5.

      • GhostCat says:

        And it’s just a coincidence that someone with a very similar username left a fic suggestion in the Suggestion Box – it’s not like anyone would try to trick us into riffing a fic so they could go tell the fic’s author about it in an attempt to get the author to join their “I hate riffers!” support group. That’s just silly.

    • KittyNoodles says:

      Honey bunch, sweetie, dearling – you’re clearly doing this to get clicks on your stories. But do you know the unfortunate secret about getting views on your fanfictions?

      Views only count how many people click on the link.

      That includes any and all clicks who got as far as the first paragraph or so and clicked away from your story again. It also includes people like us, who read it either for a good laugh at the bad writing or to see if the story is as bad as the title and summary suggest – a morbid curiosity, i know.

      Your best gauge of how well your fic is received actually lies in the number of subscriptions, favorites, and positive comments you receive on a fic. Earth to Skinny, for example, only has six favorites, six subscriptions, and five comments – all of them positive, which is the norm for any story posted on FF.

      Thousands of page views does not a well-liked story make. For all you know, the attention you keep drawing to yourself is only allowing more people to decide your writing is subpar at best. That’s not a good thing.

      • KittyNoodles says:

        Also: You sound like every sitcom adult trying to fit in with their kids ever. I’m surprised you doubt just toss in something like, “Greetings, fellow riffers!”

      • GhostCat says:

        If this is a dick click measuring contest, the Library gets around four to five hundred page views per day; most of those probably originate with the same small group of regular Patrons and the various Librarians, but all that matters is the numbers, right?

      • TacoMagic says:

        I personally reload our page fifty to sixty times an hour to make sure we’re getting enough views. Gotta keep those numbers up!

    • KittyNoodles says:

      Oh, oh, or maybe some of this is an attempt at reverse psychology, and he’s hoping that if he acts crazy and obsessed for long enough, we’ll go away and stop paying attention to him and his badfics altogether.

      Except that only works on five year olds. I’ll have you know I’m a certified third grader.

      • BatJamags says:

        I doubt it. Pathetic attempt though it may have been, he did try to obfuscate that this was him (it didn’t help that he used two different usernames for ostensibly the same sockpuppet).

        • GhostCat says:

          And he’s still using the same log-in information – didn’t even bother to change anything but the username. As sock-puppets go, this was a pretty transparent attempt.

        • KittyNoodles says:

          Very true. I might be giving him too much credit.

    • SC says:

      Shamefully obvious username – more obvious than mine, for anybody who knows my real name.

      Dialogue is written almost mockingly, if not completely so.

      Happens to be focusing on the very author being riffed, who takes click counts as e-penis measurements.

      I don’t know what you guys are talking about, this SupahCritic5 character seems totally legit.

      (I don’t even NEED super admin powers to see through this hack. Give me like an hour, and I can make a much more convincing sock puppet.)

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      You know, CBG, if you supposedly don’t care about what we say about your fic, why the fuck do you always try to cry for attention in the comments? Because this is getting ridiculous.

      Honestly, the reason we never let your last four comments past the spam filter was so we could show you what not caring really looks like: it looks like complete silence. The fact you keep coming back means you’re still a butthurt little child.

      Just stop. Trust me, you’ll thank me for it later.

      • TacoMagic says:

        But, but, what about being noticed by Senpai!?

      • SC says:

        It is the fate of all Kouhai to never be noticed by Senpai.

      • KittyNoodles says:

        Or, depending on the… clip… you watch, to accidentally slip their senpai an aphrodisiac and then graciously help them bear the effects thereof.

        Like a good person.

        A totally innocent good person.

        Who always empties their garbage promptly after dinner.

        • GhostCat says:

          That actually sounds like the plot of Koisuru Boukun.

        • KittyNoodles says:

          HOLY FUCK SO THAT’S WHERE IT’S FROM THOSE ARE THE GUYS–

          I mean.

          Uh.

          How interesting.

        • GhostCat says:

          Morinaga-kun and Souichi-senpai have a severely dysfunctional relationship; it gets better as the manga progresses, but it is still really odd. The series is actually a sequel, the original manga is called Challengers and explains a little more about the characters’ backgrounds rather than jumping straight to the sex.


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