1749: Maya and Raider – Chapter One

Title: Maya and Raider
Author: EclipsePheniox
Media: Video Game
Topic: Borderlands
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Full Fic
Critiqued by Delta XIII

Borderlands 2.

I really like this game. In fact, this is the game that really introduced me to online multiplayer (not that I use it very much, but that’s irrelevant).

For those who don’t know, here’s a quick primer on Borderlands canon (and by “quick primer”, I mean “prepare for an SC-Style Infodump [patent pending]!”):

Borderlands is a series of First-Person Shooters with heavy RPG elements and a focus on co-operative multiplayer and Diablo-style loot collection, affectionately termed “shoot-n’-loot”. Set on the alien world of Pandora (please refrain from making Avatar jokes; as far as I can tell, Borderlands came out first), the story focuses on groups of quirky, violent, uniquely-skilled individuals known as Vault Hunters who, as the name suggests, search for the Vaults: massive, well-hidden caches said to contain valuable treasures.

WARNING! UPCOMING SPOILERS FOR BORDERLANDS 1!

The first game focuses on the four-person group of Roland, Lilith, Brick, and Mordecai. After an arduous journey, the four finally manage to locate and open the Vault. And what do they find inside?

A giant monster. Because Pandora’s Box symbolism. And even after defeating the giant monster, the resulting treasure was hardly worth the price of admission.

Thinking that they’d wasted their time, the Vault Hunters settled on Pandora, mostly out of a lack of anywhere else to go.

What the Vault Hunters didn’t realise, however, was that opening the Vault was just the beginning…

The opening of the Vault triggered the growth of Eridium, an alien mineral that caused all sorts of strange effects. The many megacorps of the six galaxies heard about this, and set off to monopolise it. But, ultimately, only one group was successful in this endeavour: the Hyperion Corporation. With their massive resources, robot army, and assistance from another group of Vault Hunters, Hyperion all but conquered Pandora.

Then, a startling discovery is made: there is another Vault on Pandora. And so, the race begins anew…

“We get it, Delta, you really like Borderlands. Why are you going on about it?”

Well, hypothetical reader, the subject of this snarking is based around Borderlands 2, so I thought I’d get the basic continuity out of the way before we dive in.

“Are you sure you’re not just stalling for time?”

…that too.

Well, now that that cat’s out of the bag:

*clears throat*

Ladies, gentlemen, and all those in between, please ensure that you are sitting comfortably and that you have said all proper goodbyes to whatever façade of sanity you may have, because this one’s going to be a doozy.

Submitted for your disapproval:

EVERYTHING WRONG

WITH

Maya And Raider

By EclipsePheniox

(spoilers)

(obviously)


This story exists. (1)

Oh, come on! You know it deserves more than that!
(501)

This is an experimental Chapter

Probably one of the least necessary Author’s Notes ever. (502)

“It’s cute that you think your heroes of this little adventure but you’re not.” the dummy said.

“Shit! GET BACK!” Axton yelled.

So, apparently, we’re starting off right where the intro of Borderlands 2 ended. Just one problem:

Notice the ending of that scene? The bombs exploded immediately, there was no time for anyone to say anything. (503)

But before they could the Hyperion train exploded over the snowy wastes. On a hill not too far away a man in winter gear with a Maliwan fire sniper saw the whole thing. Grunting he moved down the hill and ran through the snow. He had to see if there where survivors.

Random scene transitions, ho! (504)

OOOOO

I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a paragraph break or if the fic might actually be haunted. Both seem equally plausible. (505)

Axton awoke slowly looking around. The explosion rattled his ears but he could hear the ramblings of a Claptrap unit. He rose and the Claptrap unit noticed but he wasn’t paying attention to it as he noticed Salvador and Zero slowly getting up.

Now would probably be a good time to introduce the characters.

Axton (The Commando):

Salvador (The Gunzerker) (no, really, that’s his actual title):

Zer0 (The Ninja):

 

Claptrap (An Annoyance):

“Ey that hurt.” the Gunzerker said.

Axton moved over and helped his companions up. The shrapnel made them dizzy

Dizzy? I think shrapnel does a bit more than make you dizzy! (506)

 as they stood but thankfully they got their bearings and followed the Claptrap unit it’s his home. As they moved Zero noticed something missing among their group.

“Where’s Maya?” he asked.

Maya (The Siren):

The Commando and Gunzerker looked at each other with worried looks. Maya maybe a Siren but even they cannot survive that kind of blast.

Since I don’t want another infodump, here’s what you need to know about Sirens.

“We have to come back latter we cannot check now. The storm and our injury’s will not do us any favours.” Axton said.

Yes, the injury is well-known for being quite strict with its favours. (507)

The two nodded.

Delta sighed. (508)

OOOOO

“I am the Ghost of Scene Transitions! That looks incredibly silly! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” (509)

Maya awoke and tried to sit up but as soon as she did pain shot up from her belly and made her fall back down. She looked at where the pain came from. A piece of the train was wedged in her and blood was pouring out. Her eyes widened and took a hold of the metal and with a grunt tried to pull it out.

Now, I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I think trying to pull the jagged piece of metal out of your body might not be such a good idea in this situation. (510)

But as she did more blood came out and she felt a drain on her body.

See?! (511)

“Shit.” she cried giving up on pulling the metal out. “Shit.”

The snowstorm came down hard and the cold started to settle as she laid there. It seemed that Brother Sophis was right about her dieing this pisshole of a planet.

I don’t have time to get into Maya’s backstory, so I’ll just let her audio logs do the talking:

Her eyes became heavy and tiredness filled her. She felt like her body was just giving up. Gritting her teeth she refused to die.

“Hey you ok?” a voice came.

I THOUGHT WE’D LEFT THIS JOKE WITH SQUIRRELKING! ONE HUNDRED EXTRA SINS!!! (612)

She looked to where the voice came from and saw someone moving fast towards her. Coming closer she saw a skill painted on a balaclava like hood.

I’m having a hard time reconciling “EP” and “skill”. (613)

The man also held a Maliwan sniper.

So, he’s just dragging some goon around in a chokehold everywhere he goes? (614)

In respect he looked like a bandit but something told her he was not.

It would pay to listen to that first instinct, Maya. On a place like Pandora, you’re far more likely to find bandits than allies. (615)

The man got to his knees beside her and looked her her wound.

“Whoa, did you ever get fucked up!” (616)

Maya could not see his face but she could tell he was worried. He took a medi-pack out from his backpack and took a syringe out before stabbing it in her leg.

Because that’s how medicine works! (617)

“Ahhhh son of a bitch.” Maya yelled.

A very quiet kind of yell, judging from the lack of exclamation mark. (618)

“Don’t worry it’s a mix of adrenalin and stimulant’s to keep you from falling asleep.” the man said.

Because, y’know, something to actually heal her would be too much to ask. (619)

Despite this she readied herself if he was going to kill her. But as she did she remembered that Psycho who saved her.

That would be this guy:

Krieg (The Psycho)

If you’re curious as to how he saved Maya:

The man then took out some cloth and placed it around the wound before holding something over her mouth.

Given the eventual direction this story’s gonna go, lines like this make me wary. (620)

“Bite on this.” he said.

Eyeing him carefully she did as she was told and took it into her mouth.

See above sin. (621)

“Ok lay still. I’m going to try and remove this on the count of three.”

Maya nodded and looked at the object in her. The man took hold of it and began counting.

“One.” he said before ripping the object out of her.

Maya screamed in pain and bit down on the object in her mouth. As the metal was out of her she spat it object out of her mouth and looked at the man with anger.

“You said on three you bastard!” she yelled.

“Tensing up is a bad idea when you remove stuff from people.”

Much as I hate to give credit to EP, that does make a kind of sense.

I’m still gonna sin it because shut up. (622)

the man said as he took out a red syringe and injected it in her.

The red liquid flowed into her veins and repaired the wound

Again, I’d give EP crap, but those are actual things in-universe:

but as it did Maya fell asleep the man panicked and check her pulse. It was strong, he sighed at that as he picked her up bridal style and took her away from the wreckage.

OOOOO

“Seriously, just use a proper line breeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaak! This just looks tackyyyyyyyyyyyy!” (623)

When the snow storm cleared Salvador, Zero and Axton looked around the train wreck for Maya. They may have not have known her for long but Sirens where always useful. Maya was not that interested in treasure but of the origins of the Sirens. Treasure to her was just a bonus.

Oh, sure, just flat-out tell us Maya’s motivations now. It’s not like organically learning it over the course of the story would have been interesting or anything! (624)

Zero looked in the train itself but had no luck. Salvador was checking amongst the rubble. Axton on the other hand was keeping a lookout for Bullymogs or other things that may disturb them. As Axton walked on his patrol he then saw a drip of red on the snow. He bent down to have a look at it.

“Blood!” he exclaimed.

Hope this is not Chris’s blood! (625)

He looked around for any more but found nothing.

Really? Not even the footprints of the guy who took her away? (626)

Cursing he headed back to the train. The other two who seemed disappointed.

“No luck sorry.” Zero said

“Si same here.” the Gunzerker said.

“I found a drop of blood but that doesn’t mean much. Come on let’s get out of here. If she’s alive we may find her in Sanctuary.” Axton said with the other two nodding as they left.

Why would you assume that she’s in Sanctuary? Come to think of it, how do you even know what Sanctuary is? As far as we can tell, Angel hasn’t contacted you yet, so you shouldn’t know anything about Sanctuary! (627)

OOOOO

Maya awoke to find herself on on a quite comfortable bed. As she rose there was a slight pain in her belly but she ignored it for the time being. She looked around finding a well made shack.

“Well-made” is not a term that applies to any structure on Pandora. (628)

Few make sift tables and lockers even a couch. But on that couched lay a man who looked that same age as him.

Same age as who? (629)

But he had a scar running up from the right side of his jaw to the left side of his forehead.

His hair was brown with a black tint to it. He also wore a pair of digital trousers with make shit armour pieces on it. For his top he only wore a simple t-shirt with Tourge’s logo on it. He was also well built for a man of his age a few scars and scratches, on him but that was expected for people of Pandora.

Only a few? Considering the kind of hellhole Pandora is, he should have a lot more than that. (630)

In all he was not entirely unattractive.

*weary sigh*

Of course. It just wouldn’t be Eclipsepheniox without a shoehorned Gary Stu love interest.
Given how utterly expected this was, let’s stick with just twenty-five sins. (655)

At that moment she remembered her companions. They would be looking for her. If they where still alive they maybe looking for her. She quickly got out of bed and looked for a weapon not caring for the noise she made.

And then she reopened her wound from standing up so quickly. (656)

“Looking for something?” a voice asked.

Suddenly and from behind! (657)

Maya turned to see the young man getting off the couch and looked at her.

“My friends. I need to find them.” she said in a panicking voice.

Though it was clearly a calm type of panic, judging, again, from the lack of exclamation marks. (658)

“Well in all honesty if your friends are still alive they’re probably off to Sanctuary. It’s the home of the Crimson raiders, the resistance against Hyperion.”

“Then we need to get there.”

“We”? You’re just instantly going to trust this stranger? Why?!

In all he was not entirely unattractive.

…ooooh. The power of boners overrides common sense, it seems. (659)

The man then sat on the arm of his sofa in thought.

That must be uncomfortable. (660)

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Maya. I’m a Siren.”

“Well Maya you’re obviously a Vault hunter but you should now that if Jack knows your still alive he will come after you.”

“I don’t care.”

Recklessness. (661)

The man smirked and stood up straight.

Smirking. (662)

“Well in that case. We better get going.” he said approaching the lockers and opening them.

“Ho forgot to mention. Name’s Alex but most people call me Raider.”

Worst. Nickname. Ever. (663)

Chapter 1 Sin Count: 663

Sentence: Dizzying Shrapnel

…why did I decide to riff this? Why did I choose to put myself through this torture?

Well, anyway, stay tuned for the next chapter whenever I can muster up the effort to continue!
(Seriously, I copied down the fic text in January, and I only finished this chapter in April. Can you say Valve Time?)

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37 Comments on “1749: Maya and Raider – Chapter One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Author: EclipsePheniox

    OH GOD

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    OOOOO

    I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a paragraph break or if the fic might actually be haunted. Both seem equally plausible. (505)

    That, or there’s a panel of judges somewhere who recognize the ‘fic for what it is.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    The shrapnel made them dizzy

    Dizzy? I think shrapnel does a bit more than make you dizzy! (506)

    It was very very blunt shrapnel.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Her eyes widened and took a hold of the metal and with a grunt tried to pull it out.

    Now, I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I think trying to pull the jagged piece of metal out of your body might not be such a good idea in this situation. (510)

    Especially doing so with your eyes.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Ok lay still. I’m going to try and remove this on the count of three.”

    Maya nodded and looked at the object in her. The man took hold of it and began counting.

    “One.” he said before ripping the object out of her.

    Maya screamed in pain and bit down on the object in her mouth. As the metal was out of her she spat it object out of her mouth and looked at the man with anger.

    “You said on three you bastard!” she yelled.

    “Tensing up is a bad idea when you remove stuff from people.”

    Much as I hate to give credit to EP, that does make a kind of sense.

    Or, you know, you could have just not given her the injection you gave her to keep her from becoming unconscious.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    But on that couched lay a man who looked that same age as him.

    Same age as who? (629)

    The same age as himself. Obviously.

    • SC says:

      “I’m sixty-three years old! That’s the same age as me!”

      “Yes, grandpa, we know, now go take your meds.”

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    He also wore a pair of digital trousers with make shit armour pieces on it.

    Best. Typo. Ever.

    • GhostCat says:

      If his trousers are digital, does that mean that it’s possible to illegally download a pair of pants in this world?

      • Technically, yes, Ghostie. You can totally illegally download a pair of pants in the Borderlands world.

        • GhostCat says:

          Seriously? Dammit, now I wish I played Borderlands – I really want to be able to illegally download pants just to say I’ve done it.

          Quick, someone who plays this game – illegally download pants in my name!

      • Delta XIII says:

        Well, it’s not something you can actually do in-game, but given the quirkiness of Borderlands, it does seem likely that one could theoretically download pants illegally.
        I mean, this is a universe with procedurally-generated guns, a living pony made of diamonds, badass women with psychic powers, and actual in-universe respawn points; illegal clothing downloads are definitely within the realm of possibility.

      • Well, when I say “illegally download,” I mean “illegally digistruct,” which is pretty much downloading, but from a computer to reality. And assuming the pants’ digistruct blueprints weren’t allowed in law-abiding space, you’d essentially be illegally downloading pants.

    • Delta XIII says:

      …how the bleeping bleep did I not notice that?!

    • SC says:

      Make-Shit, a Dahl subsidiary – you give us shit, we make more shit for your convenience! Customer satisfaction guaranteed!*

      *No refunds.

  8. SC says:

    EclipsePheniox

    DELTA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

  9. 🥛 says:

    >His hair was brown with a black tint to it. He also wore a pair of digital trousers with make shit armour pieces on it. For his top he only wore a simple t-shirt with Tourge’s logo on it. He was also well built for a man of his age a few scars and scratches, on him but that was expected for people of Pandora.

    >>He also wore a pair of digital trousers…

    Digital trousers don’t seem plausible and if they are it doesn’t seem like the best choice for a place like pandora.

  10. BatJamags says:

    EclipsePheniox

    You poor soul. You poor, brave/stupid soul. Godspeed, Delta.


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