1747: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – FINALEPosted: April 29, 2017
Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Url: Chapter Fifteen
Critiqued by SC, Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth
Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, joined by Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, and last time, Alex was a creeper, then read a comic book, then regurgitated some plot regarding the Incredible Hulk, and then San told him to stop fucking around and talk about himself, like he had told her he would.
Unfortunately, this means that a good chunk of chapter fifteen is just Alex rehashing everything that we already know about him.
…So instead, I’ma just skip to the part where they both get fucking shot at!
Just then, ear-piercing sound suddenly shattered the air, as a large chunk of rock and dirt exploded only a few feet away from them. San, acting on pure reflex, grabbed Alex’s arm and dashed for cover behind a large group of boulders. Two more explosions rang through the air, both missing the two young humans by mere inches.
Paulo: What, are they firing cannons at them? Why is everything exploding?
Oh that’s right, you weren’t here last time we encountered Stone-Man85 describing guns badly. Well, those are supposed to be rifles, and I presume the explosions are supposed to be the bullet impacts.
Paulo: …And, based on your own rifle, I assume this is incorrect?
Well, my rifle is much more refined than the guns of the era that this fic is supposed to be showing, but they still don’t fucksplode everything they hit. I mean, barring Eboshi’s canonical fucking bazooka, that is.
Not Too Far Away
Making their way through the forest, Isaac scurried across the forest grounds. Following him was the girl, Rukia, calmly walking behind him, not even making a peep.
Who? Is this Rukia character supposed to be important?
Scarlet: Recall the first riff where I was present.
…Oh, her. So, no, then, but the fic will waste all kinds of time making it seem like the sun shines out of her ass.
This was kind of unnerving for the little fox-squirrel, considering that his master had sent another servant to help. He’d be happy to have additional help… anyone but her at this time. He groaned as he jumped up on the first rock, and looked to his companion, “I understand why she felt like I needed help, but why send you? The human hating spirit?”
“She was worried the boy will lose his humanity,” Rukia answered. “A mere human alone can’t suppress such a monstrous aura. If he loses control… I will kill him.”
“As I said, that boy’s our only hope,” Isaac complained, “Why are you so obsessed with killing the boy?”
“Because I detest humans, Isaaku…” her eyes narrowed to hated points, but then returned to normal as she finished, “That… and after what I heard happened to Lord Nago… no creature should live like that.”
Fucking hell, do I need to start cutting out all the dialogue in this fic? Why is it all so insipid, recently?
Scarlet: Well, it certainly doesn’t help that this Rukia character appears to be Sannabe 2.0.
Yeah, no, I don’t think this fic really needed another human-hating smug bitch. Sannabe is plenty annoying enough.
Paulo: The general quality of the writing has also been in a slow, but steady decline for a number of chapters, now… not that it was ever really stellar.
Isaac smirked as he looked to Rukia, “Ah, so you are concerned for Alex, arent ya?”
Just then, a loud bang was heard, alerting the two, “What was that?”
“Sounded like gunshots.” Rukia furrowed her brow as, in a flash, she jumped over Isaac. Suddenly, a huge roaring sound, like a rocket, was heard, and Isaac saw that Rukia was out of there. Where she stood when she landed, the ground was scorched a little.
So in the last chapter, we ripped off the Hulk. Are we ripping off the Human Torch in this chapter?
Paulo: I suspect that this “human torch” is not what my imagination is leading me to believe, but I hear it and imagine one of my old platoon mates who accidentally dropped a lit torch in a pool of spilled oil and set himself ablaze. He wound up in the infirmary with severe burns.
I mean, you’re right about the Human Torch being on fire, but it certainly didn’t go like that.
He wasted no time as well as in a flash of flame, he changed into his huge beast form and charged forward. As he did so, he silently prayed, ‘Alex… Princess… you two’d better be alright….‘
Oh, don’t worry, they will be. Against all my wishes, they will be.
Back with the Kids
“What the hell is going on?” San asked, pressing her back against the rocky surface of the boulder they were heading behind.
“Well, it’s either the fourth of July…,” Alex answered, now back to his normal self, “… or somebody’s trying to kill us!” another explosion shook the air, causing small pieces of rock to fall on him and San. “Yup, I think it’s safe to say that somebody’s trying to kill us.”
The author would have you believe that dialogue like this constitutes Alex being a “deadpan snarker,” according to the TV Tropes page.
Oh, and by the way, Alex, not only would Sannabe not understand what the fourth of July represents, but it would be impossible for her to learn, because she won’t live long enough for America to become a British colony, and later an independent nation, and even if she somehow did (this is disregarding the bullshit we all know is coming, where Alex kidnaps her through time to his world), she would have to pretend to know how to interact with people and know how money works in order to gain passage by ship. And she would have to somehow gain passage to a continent that the whole of Japan probably doesn’t even realize exists in this time period, because they weren’t exactly going out and exploring the world.
Paulo: If memory serves, you had a counter for these moments.
Oh dude, you couldn’t have possibly thought that I’d be able to keep up with those.
At that moment the explosion stopped, leaving a vale of silence covering the area.
Both the wolf-girl and the outlander shared a questioning glance with each other.
“I know you’re there outlander!” the all too familiar voice of the guard-captain, Gonza bellowed from not too far away. “Surrender yourself and the wolf-whore… and I’ll consider giving you both a quick death.”
Scarlet: Now, when you say quick death, do you actually mean “quick,” or are you just trying to goad them into giving you an easy win? Because I feel like that’s going to play heavily into their answer.
“Gonza? Is that you?” Alex shouted, confirming if it was him. All he got was a bullet shot that hit the rocks. “Yeah, it’s him, alright.”
Scarlet: …So, you’re just goading them, then? Right, well, I think they’re going to say no, just to inform you.
I dunno, I’d probably surrender to the guy. He seems reasonable.
“Do you hear us, Outlander!” a new voice came out. “I, Takemaru of Setsuna, challenge you to determine who possesses the stronger power!” he lifted his wrist, showing his wrist chain, “Like you, I do possess a cursed power! A power in which I intend to determine which one of us is more powerful!”
Scarlet: Do you think he could cram “power” into his challenge a few more times?
Paulo: Oh, absolutely. He could be powerfully challenging Alex to determine who possesses the more powerful power, as he and Alex both possess a powerful power and he wishes to know which power is more powerful.
Great, now “power” doesn’t sound like a word anymore.
Alex glanced at San once again. When the only response she gave him was a tight-lipped scowl, he tilted his head over his shoulder and peered over the top of the boulder. There he saw the bearded man standing a good one hundred feet away, flanked by two orange-tunic wearing riflemen. With him was an unfamiliar samurai dressed in red and black armor; he figured that was the guy calling him out to a challenge, Takemaru.
Wait, you seriously don’t remember Takemaru? I mean, you had this whole depression episode over how terrible you were for mutilating his men, even thought they were trying to kill you.
Scarlet: I can’t get after him for that without looking like a hypocrite, I’m afraid. I also don’t bother remembering the people I fight. Well, not unless they’re worth remembering, I mean.
Paulo: So, how many men have warranted being remembered?
Scarlet: Well, there’s the king of Mesyth, of course; Clan Siward, as well, because they made me who I am; I bumped into several men of House Carmine, and one left quite an impression – by which I mean, he left a diagonal scar across my chest from the damn spear he nearly ran me through with. I think his name was Marthais…? – and there’s also my wife, lest I forget. Hell, part of the reason I proposed to her was because she kicked the shit out of me! And then there’s my sons… and that about covers it, I think.
Wait, you crossed blades with the Second Scion of Blades?
Scarlet: And you see how well it ended for me! If it had been the First Scion, I’d have been screwed!
However, he noticed the samurai’s right wrist, which had a similar wrist chain to his, ‘Oh crap. Another cursed human. What is this, a convention?‘
What I can’t figure out is why it’s always a wrist chain, and how Alex immediately recognizes it as the universal symbol of people with a curse. I mean, I’m relatively certain he’s treating this curse a great deal like how Alters work in s-CRY-ed, but those were very unique to the people who had them – Kazuma’s Alter is in his right arm, Straight Cougar’s Alter disassembles his car, Ryuho’s Alter was made out of the body of his late dog, and so on and so forth. The only key feature shared between Alters is the telltale rainbow glow around them that precedes them activating their powers. And even if he’s not going by s-CRY-ed logic, the wrist chain still doesn’t really make sense to me, because all other media Stone-Man85 has ripped off, apart from maybe two so far, have featured equally unique methods of harnessing one’s powers, not a singular form taken by literally everybody.
Not to mention that we’ve only seen the damn thing three times. Alex, Yashahime, and now Takemaru. I get that it’s the only thing Alex is familiar with, but I have to take umbrage with him just assuming that wrist chain equals curse. Kid’s gonna have a complex when he gets back to his own time and sees folks just wearing wrist chains because they look nice.
Realizing this might not be a battle they could win, Alex decided to wing this. “How quick are we talking about?” he asked, much to the dismay of his companion.
Gonza chuckled, “Not too quick, I’m afraid!” he answered. “But I can promise you that you’ll only have to suffer for a few short minutes!”
Scarlet: You know, it’s my experience that suffering for minutes seems to go on a lot longer in your head.
Paulo: I concur. I once had my feet laid over burning coals to try and extract information that I did not even have access to in the first place. It was horrible.
“However, if you reconsider my proposal,” Takemaru called out. “Simply face me in combat, defeat me, and I’ll consider letting you have your lives… for about a thirty-minute head start.”
Scarlet: Ah, why that sounds like the strategy one of my younger sons often employed: You lose, I kill you, you win, I still kill you.
Paulo: So, he was something of a poor sport?
Scarlet: Quite so.
Alex mockingly thought that,
“Oh, look at me, I’m thinking.”
Scarlet: “This is what you lame people do, isn’t it?”
and returned his attention to San, “Hmmm, sounds like a good deal, what do you say?
“Have you completely lost your mind?” San hissed, horrified that Alex would even consider such a thing.
“Nah, can’t say I’m to hot about the idea either.” After giving San one of his trade-mark smirks, he peered over the top of the rock again, “Sorry, but I think we’ll pass on either one of those ideas.”
Paulo: Well, at least they kept it civ-
and after a few seconds on thought, he peered over again, “Oh and by the way, Gonza… that shaved-head and beard look you’ve got going makes you look like a pansy!” Before he could say another ward a fiery bullet was shot towards him, just barely missing his head.
“Shit!” he yelped, ducking for cover.
“You insolent piece of horse fodder!” a now enraged guard-captain shouted.
Paulo: Disregard my previous statement.
Done and done.
Takemaru held his hand against Gonza, “He’s just trying to goad you into being sloppy.”
Scarlet: And it’s working. Now he has to reload his gun before he can be useful again, which is a bullet wasted, and I’m to believe that, at this period of time, this is an unforgivable offense.
Unless Stone-Man85 wants to try and bullshit semi-auto firing mechanisms into this fic, then yeah.
Paulo: He has already apparently made tracer rounds exist.
Ah yes, tracer bullet balls, the closest we’ll ever have to sci-fi laser gun technology.
he stepped forward a little, as he called out, “I wonder… Why did Lady Yashahime ever think that trash like you was worth bringing to our side in the war?”
Something about a creepy yandere lady-boner for no explainable reason?
“I’ve got a cute smile?” Alex said popping his head over the rock once again, pointing to his large grin to emphasize his point.
He was suddenly yanked down by San, just in time to dodge the next flying projectile that had been aimed at his head.
“What? My mom always told me I had a cute smile.”
Scarlet: That was, dare I say it, almost humorous.
If I hadn’t lost all ability to laugh at this fic by this point, I might have snerked a little.
Paulo: If you can no longer find humor in this riff, then why do you continue it?
…That’s actually a really damn good point.
“What’s the matter with you?” San asked, glaring at Alex. “Just moments ago you were ready to curl up into a ball and sob like an infant, and know you’re acting like some half-witted clown!”
“Sorry. For me at this point, it’s a spontaneous mood swing. My school’s psychologist had a field day with it with a student that he was analyzing, two years ago.” Another bullet struck the rock once more, raining down more dust and tiny chunks of stone fragments. “He probably would’ve used that guy as his guinea-pig to get that grant he’d been aching for… had the over-crazed cheerleader didn’t try to stab him in the kneecap with his own pen.”
…Huh? How does this at all relate to you flip-flopping between being a dumbass and an even bigger dumbass?
More shots screeched through the air blasting another three chunks out of the boulders.
“We can’t stay here much longer,” said San, covering her head in an attempt to protect it from the pieces of falling rocks.
Scarlet: Oh, sure you can, the way they keep wasting bullets like that, they’ll be out of ammo in no time!
All they would have to do is quiet down for as long as it would take Alex to pop his head out, and the moment he did, they’d have him on blast. I can’t see how they think they’re accomplishing anything productive, here.
“But the moment we move from this spot, we’re as good as dead,” Alex replied. There’s four of them, and only two of us. Need I mention that they have guns, and we don’t have much in the long-range weaponry department?”
…How does that mean you’re outplayed? There’s four of them. Three use guns that have to be reloaded after each shot, and they’ve been shooting damn near non-stop. They can’t have brought so much ammunition to be able to hold out at range for an extended period of time. All you have to do is wait until their bullets run dry, and then they’ll be stuck in melee, which means you can make a break for it without fear of being picked off from afar. And thanks to your bullshit demon powers, Gonza and his men will become useless in close combat, because it’s tantamount to suicide for them. Yes, that’ll effectively narrow your opponent down to Takemaru, but given how this fic works, I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll be fine.
Even when the fic tries to inject tension into the dialogue, it fails on technical points.
Of course, that guy Ashitaka who got the axe from the canon probably could have circumvented this entire issue, because, hey hey, he had a bow, and was a damn good archer. He could probably trade fire back with them and have the men with guns running for the hills. But, well, obviously, he’s inferior to Alex Killian, right?
It was then that they heard a low growl coming from above them. The two looked up as they saw the most bizarre, yet terrifying things you ever seen.
The bug-men aren’t scary, don’t try to pretend otherwise.
Scarlet: I would probably have a weird fascination towards them, but I certainly wouldn’t be scared.
Paulo: I have seen more than my share of mages botching spells and having horrible bodily mutations done to them in turn. Bug-men are hardly my greatest nightmare.
Alex gulped at this as he sighed, looking away from it all, “Well, we’re in very serious trouble.”
“Well,” the young Wolf Girl shot back viciously, “Seeing as how you’re obviously the brains of our little two-person group, why don’t you think of a way out of this?”
“I already have, San,” Alex said calmly. “I’ll distract them, while you high-tail it out of here.”
“Are your crazy?” San asked, eyes doubling in size, “You won’t last a single minute against them!”
“It’s better than both of us dying.”
And it gets rid of the worst character in this fic, to boot!
When Alex saw that his female companion was still not convinced, he gave her a confident grin, “Hey, didn’t I tell you before that I’m a selfless idiot when it comes to losing situations?”
“Yes you did but…” She was suddenly silenced by Alex’s finger pressed against her lips.
“Trust me, Princess,” the teen boy said with an even bigger grin on his face, “When I’m through with these dorks, when they wake up, their clothes’ll be out of style.” As he was about to stand up, San grabbed his arm, stopping him from getting any further.
What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?
“Promise me!” she said, piercing his eyes with her own.
“Promise you what?”
“That you won’t get yourself killed!”
Alex looked at the girl’s face for a long time before nodding. “I promise, San.” He playfully punched her cheek, “Besides, I still have all those favors I need to repay you for.” Before San could stop him, the young outlander sprung form their hiding place, and ran for the forest.
“I told you! You don’t have to repay anything!” San shouted out, severely annoyed at such a reminder.
Scarlet: Oh, save it for the make-out session, would you?
As soon as he reached the forest’s edge, he waved his hands madly, in hopes of getting Gonza and Takemaru’s attention, “Hey beard-boy! Samurai Jack!” he taunted the two of them, “Did I happen to mention that both Lady Eboshi and Princess Yashahime both have fat, lop-sided asses?”
Paulo: Well, if you intended to grab their attention, insulting their lieges is a fine way to do so.
The moment his last comment was spoken, the bullets started coming at him. “Alright… they want to kill me even further now,” Alex sarcastically reassured himself.
Scarlet: You know, telling yourself that you’re going to die even more than before is a bad way of reassuring yourself.
Feeling that his plan was working, Alex quickly made his way into the dense forest with the three rifle-armed men hot on his trail.
San watched as the four humans left and stood up from behind the boulder. “I was right about him all along,” she said to herself. “He’s a complete lunatic… and a fool.” With that, she began running towards the tree-covered cliffs, away from where the humans had disappeared. However, as she did, she failed to notice two of the moth demon creatures chasing after her.
And then they both died.
And that’ll do it for this riff!
…No, I mean this entire riff.
That part where Paulo mentioned that there was no point in me continuing a riff I didn’t enjoy anymore was me asking myself, in-character, what the hell I was doing. Because, you know, this riff really has gone downhill since it started back in… what, 2013? Maybe? I’ve been riffing this fic for something like four years, and if you go back and read what I posted in the early chapters versus what I’ve been posting now, you can clearly see a steady decline in the humor, and a sharp incline in how angry I’ve been getting. It was fun, I was enjoying myself, but then I let myself get caught up in this asinine crusade against a guy who clearly doesn’t care. I let myself start to actually hate this guy, and it’s gotten to a point where I’m noticing that I’ve developed an almost fetishistic desire to make Stone-Man85 eat shit. I’m becoming one of those Aesops in the making, where the guy is so driven by a singular goal that he doesn’t know what to do with himself when he finally achieves it. Hell, I’ve even gone and edited this fic’s damn TV Tropes page out of spite. That’s how bad it’s become.
That can’t be how I riff things. It’s not fun for me, or anybody else, and it’s really doing nothing productive.
And besides that, this fic is forty-eight fucking chapters long. The last fic we had of that magnitude, I believe, was all the way back in Herr’s riff of Parallel Realities. And I don’t mean to say that this is the longest fic ever riffed, but compared to other fics of similar length that seemed to go by really fast, where this riff is four, going on five years, I think I can safely say that I’m really just wasting mine and everybody else’s time with this nonsense. It’s clearly not getting through to the author, since he stopped giving a shit about what his naysayers think several chapters ago. If you go and check out his DeviantART page, it’s like he doesn’t even realize what’s going on, which I know to be false because I made it quite clear to him that I was riffing this fic. It’s not really educational for aspiring authors looking for a how-to in regards to not writing bad stories, because it’s just me yelling obscenities over every little thing I find to nitpick. It’s not engaging to me, the riffer, or you guys, the audience, outside of the fact that I just get mad whenever Alex motherfucking Killian does something stupid aaaaagain, which has been his modus operandi from the word go.
So, if it’s not funny, not helpful, not registering to the author, and not holding anybody’s attention beyond being annoying, what, then, is this riff?
“Pointless” is the answer to that question. Pointless, like a suit of armor made out of knives. (Well, actually, that has many points, but that’s beside the point.) Pointless, like Fem!Shepard walking around shirtless on the Normandy for the sake of sparking a conversation about how she likes to sleep shirtless. Pointless, like a Jedi being sent back in time to the age of dinosaurs.
And much like those three things I just mentioned, this riff being pointless makes it, in essence, a joke.
So, I’m done with this fic. I’m gonna work on the other fics that have been held indefinitely in limbo since this riff started. God willing, they’re still around for me to riff at this point. And I’m probably gonna have a lot more fun with those than I have with this, and will be glad to put it behind me.
With all this said, thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for the next riff! I’m SC, and on behalf of Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, I’ll see you next time!