1746: Whatever McGill Can Do I Will Do Better – Chapter 1

 

Title: Whatever McGill Can Do I Will Do Better
Author: Beowulf the Novelborn
Media: Video Game
Topic: Subnautica
Genre: Adventure/”Romance”
URL Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the start of a new fic!

This particular fic is also from the Subnautica section of ff.net, although written by a different author; I don’t typically do fics from the same source materials back to back, but I decided to make an exception this time. Let me show you the fic summary and I think you’ll see what drew my attention to this fic.

Nero is the trouble-sought son of the legendary survivalist, Craig McGill, and the young man’s most recent antics have landed him on an unplanned trip for Alterra, and smack dab in the middle of a romance with the ship’s Lieutenant. But when the Aurora crashes his new life, Subnautica has to learn the hard way that you don’t mess with a McGill.

Anyone want to play “Spot the Stu”? I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count.

I don’t even know what the hell ‘trouble-sought’ is supposed to mean. Is this guy trouble-prone, or a trouble-seeker?

Chapter 1: Bet on McGill

You’ll want to take that up with Syl, I think she’s making book in the North Aquarium today. Something about seeing who can fit more Darkwraiths in their mouths, Gumdrop or Bartolemé.

“All impact Prawn operators prepare to take defensive position on the upper rear port side. This is a Code KT.”

Hello, unattributed dialogue! What lemon-fresh hell are you dropping me into today? Because I have no context for any of that.

Alarms rang across the Aurora and people began to rush around at the sound of the announcement.

Oh, good; everyone’s panicking. That’s a positive sign.

“Asteroids?!” one of the pilots growled as he dashed to his station.

No, thanks; I prefer Space Invaders or Tetris.

“From behind too”, another said,

Wow, that was sudden.

“Makes you wonder what even shot it our way in the first place.”

…Not really. That sounds like paranoia to me. Whatever event set these asteroids in motion likely happened eons ago.

“Ask questions when we’re in the clear!” The first barked as they jumped into their Prawns and into the airlock. The door shut behind them and the air hissed out of the chamber.

I feel like I should post another picture of the P.R.A.W.N since this is apparently another author who feels that using the name of an object is all the description necessary.

“This is Jane Stalward accompanying the Hull Repair Engineers. All units are now in place. Requesting permission to disembark”, a very young woman said from one of the prawns.

Is there a reason that this “very young woman” with no title or rank is in a command position?  Wait, is she going to be the Stu’s love-interest lieutenant from the summary? Because I’m fairly certain that if she’s acting in an official capacity that she should refer to herself as Lieutenant Stalward.

“This is command. Permission granted under one condition”, one of the members on the bridge replied,

Was this mysterious person the captain, by chance? Or just whomever was closest to the radio at the time?

“You watch your asses out there and keep your eyes on the sky for any other surprises.

I would hope that this spaceship would have some sort of future-tech version of sonar or radar that would be used to locate these asteroids; if they have to rely on the exosuit operators’ visual identification of threats then they are in serious trouble.

It’s not just the equipment we need back here in one piece you know.”

“Some of you have signed up as organ donors! But seriously, don’t break our shit – it was really expensive.”

“Oh please”, another pilot laughed, “You’re just hoping that the shower doesn’t smash her before you caAAAN!” He screamed suddenly as Laura blasted the Prawn in the cockpit with a claw mounted Propulsion Cannon, making it spin out into the wall of the chamber.

Who is Laura and why is she shooting this guy for making an insensitive comment about someone else? If Jane is really in charge and this is the sort of shit her subordinates can get away with, then she’s not a very good commanding officer.

When he hit the wall, you couldn’t hear the impact in any way but a light rumble through the feet of the Prawn. The chamber was almost a vacuum now.

Ooh, nice touch! Although technically they wouldn’t hear the rumble they would just feel the vibration of the impact. Also, if he hit the wall hard enough so that everyone can feel it then Laura probably just killed that guy.

“Hey shut up”, Jane barked as she whirred up her drill arm, “I will seriously take you apart and throw you into the storm!”

It’ll probably be really easy to take that first guy apart, since there’s a good chance all of his bones are broken now. You can just pour him out of the suit.

“Hey! Don’t get salty because someone’s looking to bed you, and he’s not the only one.”

Huh. I guess he survived the impact. It didn’t make him any smarter, though.

“Lieutenant,” Jane growled, “Could you please mute the bastard for me? Lieutenant?”

Wait, I thought you were the lieutenant. I’m so confused now.

There was a brief silence before someone else popped back on the com.

“Apologies. The Lieutenant abruptly requested a swap in the con for some reason.”

What the actual hell? she thought.

:shrugs:

Your guess is as good as mine. All I’ve got is that they are in a ship, in exosuits, and are planning to do something involving asteroids.

“Aurora has reached safest possible speed to engage”, the man on the com replied, “It’s still not fast enough to match the target’s speed. If we spent any more time accelerating, we’d make contact before we can deploy you, so you’ll have to act fast. Try and redirect them if possible.” The gate opened up to the outside.

I’m very confused right now. These asteroids were apparently coming from somewhere ‘behind’ the ship which I assume means they are travelling in the same direction – but the way this is worded makes it seem as if the ship (which is apparently Aurora) is trying to catch up to these asteroids which means they are behind it.

An alien sun shined in on them, thankfully shaded by the Prawn visors and they all stepped outside. The star was easily blinding out the sight of any other stellar bodies, but it was still a beautiful sight nonetheless.

It was so beautiful that it completely borked up their verb tenses.

How close are they to this star that it is completely blocking out all other stars? If they are close to the gravity well of a star, then wouldn’t the asteroids, drawn by that gravity, be striking the dark side of the ship? It’s not as if there would be asteroids coming out of the star towards them.

The Prawns stuck to the hull of the Aurora thanks to artificial gravity simulators in the feet of each, similar to that of the propulsion cannon.

They’re doing what like a who?

That seems like an unnecessarily complicated way to anchor oneself to the outside of the ship. If something goes wrong they will either be stuck in the wrong spot when an asteroid hits and be unable to move or they could even wind up drifting off into space if the devices fail completely.

“Alright, perfect spotting conditions”, Jane nodded, looking out at their surroundings,

Right, perfect. Staring directly into a star that’s so bright it blocks out everything.

“With the star on the starboard side, we should be able to easily spot any oncoming debris from the direction they’re coming from.”

But it’s not; you’re located on the upper rear port side, which is directly opposite to the starboard side, and could see the star as soon as the bay doors opened.

In theory this would be a good idea; if they were stationed on the leeward side with the ship between them and the star, then the sunlight reflecting off the incoming asteroids would make them easier to spot. Of course, given the limitations of human eyes, by the time they got close enough to be seen clearly it would probably be too late to do anything productive.

Sure enough, as they turned around, the sunlight illuminated a multitude of rusty metallic specks off in the distance above them.

I thought the asteroids were behind them and/or on the starboard side, why are they now above them?

The debris wasn’t exactly coming at them from behind per say,

:snorts:

No kidding. I don’t think anyone knows where they are.

but was on a collision course with that side of the ship.

Probably? Everything is very confusing right now.

Of course, speeding up or slowing down any more than they already had moments before would waste fuel and momentum needed to maintain their trajectory.

Space is omni-directional; can’t they just move in a different direction? The asteroids are probably being attracted by the star’s gravity so moving away from the star should take them away from the asteroids.

It was a job that the Prawn crew should be able to finish up.

Right after they start, of course. That’s usually how things work.

“Prepare for impact. Activate hull reinforcement!” Jane ordered as the first space rock came into range and she wound up a punch that easily shattered it. It was just like the guide said, controlling the suits did give one the sense of limitless power.

Wait a second – the asteroids are only considered ‘within range’ when they are frickin’ punching distance from the ship?!? That’s way too close for my personal comfort levels.

Is this really the only option for random space debris; stick a bunch of guys in exosuits on the outside of the ship and hope none of them miss? How can the ship not have some sort of defensive weaponry for dealing with problems like this? Do the exosuits even have any kind of ranged weaponry? The P.R.A.W.N. in the game has a torpedo option, but torpedoes probably wouldn’t be very effective in space.

And so the other Prawns followed suit. Some utilized their grappling arms to swing oncoming asteroids into the abyss. others used propulsion cannons to grab and fire rocks into others, shattering both in the process. It was actually rather fun.

That last one sounds like the best option, even though both would run the risk of pulling the asteroid towards the operator (which is bad), but it stills sounds dangerous. If a million tons of rock are heading towards your ship and you manage to break the big chunks into little chunks, there’s still going to be a million tons of rock hitting your ship – but the damage would be more diffuse and likely more survivable. It’s the difference between someone throwing a snowball at you versus someone throwing a fist-sized hailstone.

“Attention all Prawns”, control called in, “New mission. Our long range scanners have picked up abundant traces of raw materials that we can utilize on the go. If possible, try to capture any further asteroids you can and bring them back to the airlock for further processing.”

Who let the marketing team on the bridge?!?

And they apparently do have scanners, but aren’t using them to coordinate the exosuits for some reason.

“Seriously?!” Jane replied, “You wait to tell me this now?! Mining isn’t my department like these guys! I don’t possess clearance.”

If mining isn’t your department, why are you apparently in charge of the mining exosuits? What department are you in, Empty Threats and Ineffective Yelling? Because that’s really all you’ve done.

“Your job is to provide support and protect the engineers.

Which would be much easier to do if you didn’t expect them to catch asteroids like they were pop-flies.

That’s part of why you were accompanying a new department for this one”, control corrected.

It was? Does that mean that there is two separate groups out in the exosuits? Because that wasn’t the impression that I got.

Lights blared from the airlock, and the void may have silenced any sirens.

The void is really getting a workout today.

“The hell is going on down there?” control questioned, “We have unauthorized Airlock access!”

Did someone oversleep? I wouldn’t be surprised with their piss-poor command structure.

“But there aren’t anymore Prawns!” another engineer exclaimed, “You mean to say that someone’s coming out unguarded?!”

I guess someone’s decided to commit suicide in the most edgelord way they can think of.

“Sure seems that way”, Jane narrowed her eyes, “Who’d be crazy enough to do that?”

I’m going to guess it’s the Stu, because … Well, because they’re a Stu.

Then out of the airlock stepped a single human.

:waves:

Hello, crazy person!

He was wearing a reinforced dive suit which apparently had been modified into a makeshift pressurized space suit.

:snorts:

Do you know what one of the most important parts of a space suit (or, in NASA-speak, an “air-tight anthropomorphic structure“) is? The bearings and joints. You could make a space suit with all the insulation and internal workings exactly the same, but if you didn’t give it movable joints then once it was filled with air and brought up to pressure the astronaut inside wouldn’t be able to bend anything. To quote directly from this rather informative document; “When pressurized, the differential pressures Impose stress or tension on the suit wall. The “soft” suit becomes very rigid or stiff, and almost impossible to bend except in those areas where specially designed joints are provided to accommodate normal body flexure. An example of this stiffness: inflate a large cylindrical balloon or the inner tube of a tire, the balloon or tube will become very stilt and almost Impossible to twist or bend.” (It would also appear that even NASA can fall prey to random capitalizations and poor spell-checking.)

Do you know what a wetsuit doesn’t have? Joints.  Even if this person managed to make the suit airtight (they’re not watertight so I doubt they could be made airtight without applying a lot of bulky sealants) the lack of joints would make them look like a starfish. And dive suits aren’t insulated, so this would be a frozen starfish.

His boots were apparently equipped with mechanisms similar to the ones that let the Prawns walk on the surface of the Aurora instead of floating away.

Of course they are! Because that’s a thing that everyone would have.

Actually that would be a good thing for everyone to have, just in case the artificial gravity went wonky. I doubt boots meant to be used inside the ship to keep you from drifting through a room would be very useful outside during an asteroid shower, though.

“Oh no, it’s McGill”, one of the engineers groaned.

How can you tell? Did he write his name on the suit, or do you just expect him to do stupid stuff like this?

“Wait, you don’t mean-“, Jane was about to say more but an asteroid smashed into her Prawn and sent her tumbling away.

In tiny pieces. Sorry, little Billy, no kidney transplant for you!

She wasn’t equipped with a graplling arm.

Why the hell not? They were going outside the ship without any kind of tether, just their sticky-boots, so they should all have grapnels as an emergency fallback.

“Don’t worry! We got you!” another pilot said, but the one named McGill was already sprinting forward.

:headdesk:

Let me guess; even though he’s all the way by the airlock and doesn’t have the enhancements of an exosuit, he’s still going to reach her before anyone else can.

In a mere moment’s thought, he locked four (yes four)

:THWACK!:

No.

of the dive reels at his belt to the ship and launched himself after the Prawn when he deactivated his gravity tether.

I assume that’s the new name for the sticky-boots.

He made a motion to Jane, one that looked like he was shooting a gun, and Jane instantly got the idea and pulled him in with the propulsion cannon.

If she has a propulsion cannon, can’t she just aim it back at the ship? Since the ship has more mass, when the gun tries to pull it towards her it will instead pull her towards the ship. And some of the exosuits are equipped with grapnels, so why hasn’t anyone tried to lasso her in?

“What the hell do you think you’re doing out here?!” she barked at him,

I don’t know, but it is probably something stupid.

but before she could react, McGill had slipped from her grasp, locked the other end of a reel to her and watched as she was yanked back down to the ship’s hull, Prawn suit and all.

Later, skirt! He’s got important Stu business to attend to.

Before he got out of range, the boy locked three remaining ship locked reels to the asteroid itself, about the size of a pickup truck, and the last reel to the asteroid connected to his belt.

If he had four reels attached to the ship, attached one to Jane’s exosuit and three to the asteroid, he’s going to be one short. It does kind of look like one of those reels spans between the asteroid and his belt, but the only way to do that would be to go back down and unhook one of them from the ship.

And Jane was struck by an asteroid the size of a pickup truck? How is she not dead or at least seriously injured right now?

“Captain!” Jane picked up her bearings again, now worrying for the one named McGill, “We have to do something!”

You could wind those other tethers back in, if you want to. You’re attached to one as well, so you should be near the anchor point. Assuming another asteroid doesn’t smash you both into splinters since neither one of you are paying attention to your surroundings.

“Don’t bother”, the man at control said with a growl, “I don’t condone his actions, but I’ve learned the hard way who that boy is.”

A Stu rapidly approaching the Stu Event Horizon?

Just like that the Asteroid was snagged by the reels and stopped in its tracks. The boy was thrown from the rock by the impact, but his last reel slowed his freefall to a stop. He sighed with relief before he casually reeled himself back to the rock, then activated the other three reels, which pulled the asteroid and himself back to the ship, safe and sound.

:repeatedly headdesks:

“Uh…quick! everybody secure the asteroid!” Jane said, a little bewildered by the quick thinking of the one named McGill,”Captain, that name…you don’t actually mean that Craig McGill himself was on the crew this whole time, do you?!”

Ummm … Am I supposed to know who that is? The only Craig McGill I can remember in the game is a couple of passing mentions by the PDA; one when the Exterior Growbed is scanned (“Famous shipwreck survivor Craig McGill survived forty-seven months on live tree-roaches and stankroot, prepared as a healthy, raw salad. Farming alien plants, and researching their effects, is thus a proven survival strategy.”) and another after you get the Stasis Rifle (“In case the future starts to look hopeless, remember Craig McGill, who crash-landed in the acid swamps of Boreal 9 and fought off arachnid kidney-poachers for forty-seven months, before hijacking a tame starwhal and riding it to the nearest phasegate. If Craig McGill can do that, you can survive another day.”) The character might be canon, but like a lot of the PDA’s dialogue I think it is meant to be an exaggeration for comedic purposes.

“No, but you’re close”, the Captain replied as McGill and the other Prawns stepped back into the airlock with the asteroid. Air seeped back in and Jane’s savior removed his mask after he collected his borrowed tools.

Is it his younger, more handsome, and more awesome son?

He was a young man of probably 19 or 20 years of age,

:THWACK!:

:THWACK!:

No numerals!

about the same age as Jane.

What a crazy random happenstance!

And they put a twenty-year-old kid in charge of the vital “keep asteroids from destroying the ship” mission? This ship really does have the worst command structure.

His skin was light and his cheekbones were sharp enough to cut glass. His hair was long, shoulder length, and his eyes were a brilliant shade of violet. He was 5’11” and was slim but athletic, like he did little escapades like that one on a regular basis.

Yes, yes, I’m sure he’s stunningly handsome but thinks he’s a complete cave troll and is just looking for the right woman (or whatever his preferred gender/species might be) to see the beautiful soul inside his hideous shell.

:THWACK!:

:THWACK!:

That was for the numerals.

“That boy is Craig’s son, Nero McGill”, the captain told her, “Not an official crew member and by far the most boneheaded SOB I’ve ever encountered at Alterra. But there’s no denying that he’s living up to everything Craig has set the bar for.”

And now that the Stu has had a chance to be heroic, the asteroid shower will stop completely so the captain can stroke the Stu a bit.

If he’s not a member of the crew then he’s either a passenger or a stowaway – in either case, he should be in some seriously deep shit right now regardless of whether or not he just saved someone and lassoed an asteroid.

“Really?” Jane said under her breath, impressed by what that boy had to offer.

Yeah, I bet you are.

:porno music blasts out of the Library speakers:

Dammit! I thought I cancelled Swenia’s Spotify account.

She would have thanked him right there, but Nero had already slipped away without a word and disappeared.

Now she was interested.

:porno music intensifies:

Double dammit!

.

That’s either a stray period, which are the worst kind, or a scene break.

I was back in my room in moments. I didn’t want to spend much more time around the rest of the Alterra crew. I needed to clear my head.

Scene break it is! There also appears to have been a perspective shift over to first-person.

I removed my makeshift spacesuit and stood in my room wearing the standard issue jumpsuit, skintight.

:faint whistling from sound booth:

:Ghostie facepalms:

Everything was locked safely into place inside my room, and with a deep breath, I hit a button on my suit and gravity disabled exclusively for my chamber.

I assume this means he’s a paying passenger, and a high-paying one at that, since expensive tech like variable gravity wouldn’t be intended for plebeians.

I alone slowly lifted off the ground and the window wall opened up to show open space. I was in the sweet spot on the hull that had sunlight, but also allowed me to see the stars, other planets, and nebulae in their full untarnished glory.

Definitely a paying customer with a view like that. And damn; they are travelling through a very densely occupied section of space if he can see all of that with his naked eyes through what I would assume is a very small window.

To complete that feel, I turned on some music. It was female voiced, and it seemed to echo softly across the cosmos out my window.

…I’m going to check something really quick.

:Google Break:

Okay, according to the author’s profile they are in the US and may be twenty years old (based on a given age of eighteen when their profile was last updated in 2015) so I really don’t have any way of explaining all these wonky word choices.

It was a type of song from Earth’s Medieval Period, roughly a thousand years before man even left planet Earth to colonize space, and it somehow fit the setting incredibly well.

I hope this isn’t some modern song, because the intro of Subnautica states that it takes place in the 22nd century.

The song was called O Rubor Sanguinis by Hildegard von Bingen, but was performed by Sequentia, if the records are correct.

Who?

:another Google Break:

Okay, she’s a 12th century nun who wrote several theological texts, invented her own language and alphabet, and apparently wrote some music.  That is a real song, and it’s quite pretty, but this all seems a bit pretentious and heavy-handed.

I took a deep breath and let myself go limp, floating with a set fitting atmosphere about my room.

Yeah, I’m definitely getting a pretentious vibe.

What was I doing here? Why was I here? I didn’t care for this.

Then why did you go to the trouble of turning off the gravity and putting on some music?

Well, I suppose the answers to those are obvious at this point.

No, they’re not. Not even remotely close to being obvious.

My name is Nero McGill.

So I gathered.

Everyone in the shipping and exploring life knew that last name too well.

Because it’s a common last name, like Smith or Jones? It’s not as if your last name was something unique like Rumpleschitz or Penewhammer.

Craig McGill was the ideal astronaut in the eyes of Alterra, what the company wanted all of their crew members to strive to be.

Barely surviving by eating bugs and tree bark in a swamp?

We all knew how he lasted for months at a time on a swamp world and beyond with chances of survival dwindling in the single digits.

Forty-seven months to be exact, but I think both of the incidents mentioned in the in-game dialogue were the same one given that the length of time was exactly the same.

He was the highest paid officer in the entire federation at this point.

Why? Because he managed to survive alone for almost four years? That would probably attract some media attention, but I don’t see why his company would raise his salary above everyone else’s for that.

And he just so happened to be my father.

I bet you really hate going to his house for a meal.

You can imagine that being born to the Galaxy’s ideal survivor-man would lead a boy to the life you’d always want, but that wasn’t quite the case fir me.

No, I don’t think that at all. Having a parent who is best known for eating disgusting things and living in a mud hut would probably be really embarrassing for a child.

I didn’t exactly get any limelight myself, but everyone who did know me had high expectations, like the bar my father had set before I was ever born. Of course I didn’t like it so much. I didn’t seek out adventure like my father had after his first escapade. Trouble just seemed to find me, like his bloodline was cursed with that sort of impossible good/bad luck.

“Oh, woe with me. I am but a poor Stu, cursed with minor celebrity status! Is my life not an unending series of tragedies?”

Of course, I didn’t exactly agree with the federation. I really wanted little to do with that. Of course that little curse of mine always made me wind up in the wrong places at the wrong times, but I was lucky enough to find a way to either get out or adapt, so everything I had learned was almost entirely self taught, mostly out of self-preservation.

So the whole reason everyone wants a piece of Nero is because his father is this great survival expert, but Craig apparently never taught Nero anything and Nero just learned it all on his own? Talk about trying to have it both ways; the author wants Nero to be awesome by association while being awesome in his own right for the exact same thing.

In fact, what landed me on this ship in the first place was an incident with the mob or some street gang back on Earth, my home.

So which was it, a street gang or the mob? Or was it a mob of street gangs?

I was chased out into Alterra property, and in that desperate attempt to get out alive I wound up taking out a good number of paranoid guards using makeshift tools, my bare hands, and raw street smarts.

I bet you’ve mastered all forms of martial arts, as well as kickboxing, and are the top street fighter in the world as well.

Naturally, that didn’t turn out well at first.

No, really? Who would have thought that trespassing on private property and then beating the shit out people who are just doing their jobs would be a bad thing?

Sure the guys who chased me were caught and all thanks to my info, but the moment they pulled up my ID, they had found a better use of me than turning me into the police for assault and trespassing.

Nandatte? I thought this was just some random street mob-gang chasing you, but apparently they were after some kind of information you had which then got them in some sort of unspecified trouble. I’m not sure why the street mob-gang would pull up Nero’s ID, since presumably they knew who they were chasing, or why they would have pressed charges for trespassing and assault against Nero. Unless it’s Alterra who was contemplating the trespassing and assault charges, in which case they would be completely justified in doing so.

Instead of that, they covered up the details and told my father that I had signed up for an exploration mission, one that would aid in the construction of a new phasegate on a distant planet. My father was pleased with the news to say the least. I was even given an experimental neural implant that had access to an interactive HUD control system, so they used me something like a guinea pig. But thankfully it seemed to work just fine.

Oh, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during those talks.

“Sir, there’s been a breach in perimeter security. A young man was caught trespassing, but when Security tried to escort him from the premises he became violent and started attacking them with rulers and staplers while screaming ‘I’m better than Jackie Chan, bitches!’ What should we do with him?”

“Better contact the authorities and tell them we have a possible psych case for … Wait, is that his ID?”

Yes, sir.”

“His name is Nero McGill? He must be the son of Craig McGill!”

“I … I suppose it’s possible, sir. I don’t really see why that would be relevant …”

“We should totally hire him and send him on dangerously important missions and also pay him heaps of money!”

“Sir, don’t you think that’s being a little hasty?”

I said Heaps. Of. Money! We should also stick some computer chips in his brain and see what happens. Make it so, Number One.”

“Sir, have you been taking your medication properly?”

Okay, enough of that. Back to the fic.

So there I was, three months into what would be an eleven month voyage.

Oh, quit whining. The castaways of Gilligan’s Island were on a three-hour tour and wound up spending three years on that patch of dirt.

A one way trip with a speedy return once the phasegate was active and calibrated.

If it’s a one way trip, then there would be no return – speedy or otherwise. That’s where the ‘one way’ part comes in.

I had decided to remain somewhat reclusive for the time being, since I didn’t want too many people to smother the son of a celebrity with questions.

Maybe you should switch out your hymnal music for The Collected Works Of The World’s Tiniest Violin.

The previous event with the asteroids was the first time I actually showed up in front of some of the crew.

So Alterra hired him to … do something, but he’s spent three months alone in his cabin? Oh, yes; clearly he is a sound investment of company resources.

Wait, there was a previous event before that recent showboating with the dive reels? Maybe the crew is avoiding him by choice.

Why? Simply because I was bored. Not much happened on this ship, and for once, like my father always did, I wanted a piece of the action.

He was bored so he decided to fabricate a working space suit on a lark and tag along on a dangerous mission with a team he was not affiliated with. Sweet mercy, the idiot is lucky he didn’t get anyone killed! The only reason Jane got in trouble was because she was distracted by his arrival at the airlock and wasn’t paying attention to the incoming asteroids.

Not to mention that it gave me the chance to use that implant for once.

What exactly did the implant do, again? It’s supposed to be some sort of “interactive HUD” but I don’t think anyone mentioned the specifics of what it would actually do. Did it turn his boots off and on? Unlock the airlock door? Monitor his blood sugar levels? Remind him of a very overdue library book?

Of course now the crew had seen what I was capable of and I would eventually be forced to do jobs that I never intended on doing, probably out of punishment for acting alone.

Uh-huh, right – ‘punishment’. “Please, Br’er Fox, don’t throw me in that briar patch!”

Then again, some of the crew who was less knowledgeable of the details would put me on more dangerous jobs because I might be of value.

Because only someone who didn’t know how truly irresponsible you are would want to willingly work for you.

But on that particular day (although really, days and nights are relative to sleep schedule when in space),

True, but the fact doesn’t need to be a parenthetical statement.

my display had brought about a very different surprise.

“Live Nude Holo Girls, Available For Chat Now!”

Dude, you should have sprung for a good ad blocker, now you’ll never get rid of the pop-ups.

It was something that my street smarts and quick wits had not once prepped me for.

Given what I’ve seen, I imagine that’s a pretty long list.

While my music played and I floated around with my eyes closed, basically in a trance,

A trance is a half-conscious state characterized by an absence of response to external stimuli so this isn’t “basically” a trance – it is a trance.

I hadn’t noticed the knocking at the door or the sound of the key card click, or the door opening.

Despite not being aware of this series of events, you seem to be able to recall the exact sequence with an uncanny amount of precision.

I floated for a few more moments in silence other than the song in the background.

This is the fic, folks.

“You done?”

I really hope he is, Unattributed Dialogue.

“Spetz!” I cursed. My eyes snapped open and in a panic I pushed off of the wall near my feet

Why were his feet near a wall? I thought he was floating in the middle of the room. And there’s no gravity, so he would have had to have been very close to the wall to even do this maneuver; there’s nothing to make him ‘stick’ to the wall so trying to crouch and push off would have brought his knees towards his chest and done nothing to change his relative position in the space.

and propelled myself back to “land” with my hands and feet on the window wall, and I stuck there.

Because that’s apparently something he can do now, even though the impact should have sent him bouncing off in another direction.

I looked “up” to the main door to see an officer in a space suit leaning against the door.

Why would anyone wear a space suit in a full-G environment? Those things are bulky as hell.

Clearly it was a she with those curves.

:headdesk:

Because of course the protective space suit would be form-fitting! :eye-twitch: That makes perfect sense! It’s much more important to lift and separate a woman’s breasts than it is to insure nothing punches through that woman’s sternum.

Since she was still technically out in the hall, she was still bound to the artificial gravity of the ship.

Somewhere a physicist is weeping uncontrollably.

If she has an all access card like that, she has to be a higher ranking officer, right?

Or she’s a thief, or she’s part of the Housekeeping Department here to offer you a ‘naughty’ turndown service.

“I am now”, I said switching off the music, but I kept zero gravity on.

That’s kind of rude of you to do that. Of course, it was rude of her to override your door, so I guess you’re even.

“You know, you should probably lower your music’s volume”, she said, “No noise complaints, but it would be helpful to know when someone of interest is trying to meet with you.”

I should hope there aren’t any noise complaints; we already possess excellent acoustical damping technology, and these people have progressed beyond that to space travel and selective artificial gravity. I am wondering why he didn’t program his ‘interactive HUD’ to beep or blink or something to alert him if there was someone at the door. After the stunt he pulled, he had to be expecting visitors.

“I wanted some time to think”, I replied, lowering my guard just a little.

A worthy endeavor, but not one you appear to excel at.

The officer took a slow step inside and inched forward once she entered zero gravity.

How is she inching forward if there’s no gravity?!? She’s either drifting slowly in the direction she was traveling, or she’s making awkward swimming motions in an attempt to move but not really getting anywhere.

“As an officer, a Lieutenant,” she began to unseal her armor plating, “I should reprimand you for such a dangerous act, endangering Alterra equipment and lives, including your own, without orders or authorization to act on your own.”

That sounds very reasonable, but I can’t help but wonder why she’s doing a striptease during this conversation. And when did her space suit become armor?

“I don’t take orders well from anyone”, I replied with a raised eyebrow,

Which just makes it all the more puzzling why anyone would hire you to do anything.

getting the odd sense that this was going in a different direction.

:porno music intensifies:

YEAH, NO KIDDING!

“But, not as a Lieutenant, I won’t”, as she said this,

You not conversate good, lady.

the light armor plating that covered her legs peeled off automatically, drifting off to other corners of the room,

Again – zero gravity, so where is the momentum coming from and why isn’t she getting bounced around when the pieces detach? Newton’s Laws are universal.

“In fact I’m actually here to say thank you.”

And I have a sinking suspicion on how you plan on saying ‘thank you’ to him.

:porno music intensifies to ear-bleeding levels:

I WILL CANCEL SNACK TIME!

:music abruptly shuts off:

Admittedly, my attention was drawn in more by what was beneath that armor.

I’m beginning to think I might have accidentally found one of those terrible Mass Effect fics.

She was wearing a jumpsuit a little similar to mine.

Does that mean he’s wearing women’s clothing?

Black with neon blue highlights,

Is his suit black and blue, or is hers? Or is it both? Is that how they are similar?

But hers was even more skintight.

Bwa? How can something be even more skintight than skintight? Can you see the movement of blood in her veins? Are her bones and organs visible? Has her cameltoe turned into the Great Divide?

So when the armor peeled, the suit hugged her figure so tight that you would have sworn that you were looking at bare skin (had the coloration been different).

Isn’t that the point clothes that are skintight, that they fit extremely close to your skin?

Her legs were long, athletic and needless to say she had a nice ass too, but I didn’t dare say that for my sake.

If your jumpsuit is as tight as you claim then you probably don’t have to say anything – your anatomy will do the talking for you.

“Thank me?” I asked, “And I don’t suppose that you were…”

“In the Prawn you saved, yes”, she nodded as the light armor on her torso peeled away too.

After first endangering her and everyone else, let’s not forget that part.

Again I was greeted by a lovely sight.

Hold on, I’m going to need a little help for this.

:Ghostie walks over to a large wooden trunk marked “Syl’s Secret Stash; You touch this, I touch you!” and throws open the lid. After several moments of rummaging, accompanied by the clink of glass bottles, she takes a small bottle out and slams the lid shut before returning to the Riffing Console:

I don’t know what this is, but it has three and a half out of five stars on the label so that’s either really good or really bad.

:cautiously takes a sip:

GAH! It tastes like pistachio ice cream, cough drops, and Skittles! And not in a good way.

Okay, now that I’m sufficiently fortified – and can feel sounds – I can continue the riff.

She was rather well endowed, but perfectly rounded and shapely too, and I got the strange feeling that wasn’t the work of the suit.

It’s probably the work of the zero-G; gravity is not very kind to ‘shapely’ women.

Still it did show every curve she had, and I do mean every curve, but now I got the sense of where she was going.

A strange woman enters his room, starts taking off her clothing and talking about thanking him, and it takes him this long to connect the dots?

He is just too precious for words.

“So you here to lure me into further Alterra assignments?” I asked, still wary of some ulterior motive.

:snorts:

Yeah, she’s here to offer you an ‘enlistment bonus’ if you ‘sign’ on her ‘dotted line’.

Nero is already employed by Alterra in some nebulous capacity, which means they are his bosses; he has to do what they tell him to. THAT’S HOW A JOB WORKS!

“Well, I’d be lying if I said no”, she shrugged,

Would you really? Really?!?

“You do have potential.

:snorts:

Not a day of training and you already have more guts than anyone else I’ve seen on this crew.

Bravery is all well and good, but he still has to be able to complete a task without killing himself or others. That little stunt he pulled could have ended very differently; if the exosuit operators were sufficiently distracted, as Jane was, they could have been killed by asteroids, or been flung off into space to die a slower death, or missed an asteroid that could have punched a hole through Aurora and killed everyone.

Not to mention your father.

Even though everyone seems to be mentioning him constantly.

We could use someone like that.”

Then why didn’t Alterra just hire his father? He’s the one with the proven track record.

She finally reached me and we both stuck to the window, me “lying down” against the window and her laying on top.

What the hell is holding them against the window? Is it the sheer force of his sex appeal?

“Of course, this isn’t a business proposition.

According to Syl’s rather impressive list of euphemisms, it could be interpreted that way.

And right now I’m not Lieutenant.”

:gasp!:

Did we finally discover who was phone?

Attention: Increased heart rate detected. It is recommended that-*“, the AI connected to my vital monitoring system cut in, only to be silenced by me. My face was red now, and if the officer didn’t already see through my facade, she definitely could now thanks to that AI.

Bwa? The HUD is controlled by a chip in his brain, so presumably he’s the only one who can hear or see any of the information it supplies him. He was apparently using it during the asteroid incident and there was no description of a visible interface at the time.

“Then if you aren’t Lieutenant now, who are you?” I asked, still trying to maintain that mask, albeit unsuccessfully and I carefully pulled away her helmet to complete the picture.

Based on my prior experience with terrible seduction scenes in badfics, she’s your new penis-ornament.

The officer was my age by the looks of her,

Of course she is! Older women have no sexual desire; once we hit thirty we turn into celibate drones.

her skin was well tanned and flawlessly smooth, and her long platinum blonde hair spilled out of the helmet behind her, though it was neatly suspended in zero gravity.

:snorts again:

She’s been wearing that helmet with all that hair shoved into it for who-knows-how long and doing a lot of strenuous activities; her hair is going to be a matted, sweaty mess.

Her eyes were silver, like earth’s moon, and they had a spectacular shine.

Pure white and pupil-less eyes are typically an indication that someone is blind, you know.

:sighs:

I could really go for some moonshine right now; this stuff just isn’t doing the trick. It does taste a lot better once your tongue goes numb, though.

And my heart rate shot through the roof.

If he gets a frickin’ nosebleed to go with her anime eyes, I’m doing someone an injury.

“Jane”, she said leaning into a kiss, but before anything else could happen, she clicked onto my hud and remotely shut and locked the door.

She hijacked his HUD. The HUD that is controlled by a chip inside his brain?!? How the hell did she do that?

Yep, that’s my luck.

Don’t tell me you’re going to try to bitch and moan about this little wish-fulfillment fantasy.

(End of Chapter 1)

Nope, there’s a scene break and an Author’s Note to go!

Greetings earthlings! Wulf here after the longest hiatusof my writing career!

One day we really should write up a standard “You are a fanfic writer, you don’t have deadlines!” paragraph to insert into these situations.

So, as of late I’ve really gotten into the lore of Subnautica, and only recently did I decide to make a story.

One that seems to borrow heavily from source materials that aren’t Subnautica.

Lucky for me, Subnautica only has like fifty stories at the moment, so it should be easier to find this one.

That’s because the game didn’t have a fully fleshed-out story for a long time, and the plot is still missing some pieces of the whole.

Then again, that might also mean that not many really chack this corner of FanFiction, but here’s to hoping!

There’s been a few fics added to the section, but it doesn’t seem to be very popular despite the game’s growing popularity. That’s probably a good thing, since we’ve all seen what a fic featuring characters just dicking around in the game-world with little direction or purpose looks like.

Anyone who’s played Subnautica and has actually built the Stasis Rifle likely remembers the quote about Craig McGill’s survival in a worst case scenario.

Meh. I think the most memorable one plays when you build the Mobile Vehicle Bay – “Congratulations, survivor: you have just exceeded your weekly exercise quotient by 500%. Data indicates that swimming was your favorite activity. Be sure to vary your routine for uniform muscle development.”

To anyone here who has previously and eagerly followed Wings of Remnant, I apologize for not posting there yet. The latest volumes of RWBY have thrown a wrench into the lore, and I have to rework some things before I continue there. It won’t be too much longer, I promise.I got the odd sense that he might play a bit more importance in the story. In fact, it’s possible that the player in game might be Craig himself. Regardless of whether or not he actually was of greater plot relevance, I figured he deserved some more credit here.

… I think the author was talking about a different fic, and then suddenly switched to talking about this fic halfway through the paragraph. That or Craig is a character in the other fic. The player character in Subnautica doesn’t have a name, and probably never will, but as he never speaks it’s been joked that he should be called Fordon Greeman.

In the meantime, if you like what you see, blast that follow/favorite button into oblivion! (Damn I missed saying that! XD)

Is that an Author’s Note inside an Author’s Note? And why does it look oddly like a YouTube outro to me?

This is Beowulf and the OC Crew signing out!

It’s about damn time, I thought you were going to ramble on forever.

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128 Comments on “1746: Whatever McGill Can Do I Will Do Better – Chapter 1”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    in the middle of a romance with the ship’s Lieutenant.

    Why does the ship have only one Lieutenant?

  2. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “Even if this person managed to make the suit airtight (they’re not watertight so I doubt they could be made airtight without applying a lot of bulky sealants) the lack of joints would make them look like a starfish.”

    Actually he’s wearing one of these bad boys.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    You’re just hoping that the shower doesn’t smash her before you caAAAN!” He screamed suddenly as Laura blasted the Prawn in the cockpit with a claw mounted Propulsion Cannon, making it spin out into the wall of the chamber.

    Yes! Sure! By all means! Let’s destroy expensive equipment in the middle of a life-or-death crisis over minor sexual harassment!

  4. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “Oh no, it’s McGill,”

    Oh no, indeed.

  5. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “‘That boy is Craig’s son, Nero McGill’, the captain told her,”

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Prepare for impact. Activate hull reinforcement!” Jane ordered as the first space rock came into range and she wound up a punch that easily shattered it. It was just like the guide said, controlling the suits did give one the sense of limitless power.

    Ok, I’m going to kind of have to put aside how utterly asinine it is that this world’s idea of point defenses involves engineering teams in power armor climbing onto the hull and punching incoming asteroids out of the way, and just reflect on the fact that this world’s idea of point defenses involves engineering teams in power armor climbing onto the hull and punching incoming asteroids out of the way.

    Seriously, that’s some Gurren Lagann level shit right there.

    • GhostCat says:

      I KNOW, RIGHT!?!

      Sure, it sounds all hardcore-badass to go out and punch space in the face :insert heavy metal guitar riff here:, but it’s ridiculous that this is the most effective solution to the problem. There’s a limited (but unknown) number of these suits and the ship is frickin’ huge – not to mention asteroids can be very large, much larger than they could handle individually – so there’s no way this wouldn’t end with an asteroid-shaped hole in the hull.

    • SC says:

      Hers is the asteroid-busting fist that will pierce the heavens.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    that wasn’t quite the case fir me.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    She was rather well endowed, but perfectly rounded and shapely too,

    I’m picturing a beach ball with an enormous dick, that is somehow also an Oscar.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    She finally reached me and we both stuck to the window, me “lying down” against the window and her laying on top.

    Great, now some lucky astronomer somewhere is going to be scanning for exoplanets and end up with a gorgeous, high-resolution view of your ass.

  10. He has purple eyes and she has silver eyes and platinum blonde hair? These characters are Sues and Stus right down to their biology.

    • TacoMagic says:

      We tried to genome map a Sue, but the testing equipment couldn’t stop gushing about how perfect the DNA was.

      • Nice! Also, I love how she thanked him with sex for saving her from a mess he caused. Gratitude is one thing, but this is like paying someone ten grand for walking your dog. And imagine if the situation had been reversed: She saved him and he tried to thank her with sex. How is this not workplace harassment on Lieutenant Sue’s part?

        • GhostCat says:

          And she just kind of assumes he would want to have sex with her awesome self even though he could have been gay, asexual, or some other orientation. He’s not, because wish-fulfillment fantasy, but she didn’t know that since she knows nothing about him. They literally spend less than a minute together and exchange maybe a handful of dialogue before she’s flinging her body at him like she’s playing Ring Toss at the county fair.

          I hadn’t really thought about it, but if the genders were reversed and a big, strapping young man broke into a reluctant young woman’s quarters to say “thank you” with the power of boners, there would be so many rape alarms going off it would be deafening.

      • SC says:

        Assuming people want sex is how Glasses got kicked out of astronaut school.

        Glasses: Don’t ask about the details.

      • Syl says:

        That’s the same reason why I’m not welcome at choir practice anymore.

  11. SC says:

    Nero

    http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/devilmaycry/images/b/b3/Nero_%28Model%29_DMC4.png/revision/latest?cb=20150516200355

    You know, call me crazy, but I think he’d do just fine surviving a ship crash in the ocean.

  12. SC says:

    “Live Nude Holo Girls, Available For Chat Now!”

    *Glasses walks in, looking offended*

    Glasses: Hey, she lied to me!

  13. SC says:

    She hijacked his HUD. The HUD that is controlled by a chip inside his brain?!? How the hell did she do that?

    Wet Willies.

  14. SC says:

    Because of course the protective space suit would be form-fitting! :eye-twitch: That makes perfect sense! It’s much more important to lift and separate a woman’s breasts than it is to insure nothing punches through that woman’s sternum.

    The folks at Star Wars gave one of the best responses to this kind of malarkey:

    “It’s armor. On a woman. It doesn’t have to look feminine.”

    • GhostCat says:

      Game of Thrones does a good job, too; Brienne of Tarth wears full plate armor and is often mistaken for a man because her armor looks like a man’s. It makes sense; if a woman was doing strenuous activities she would probably bind down her breasts so they don’t bounce all over the place, not pen them up in metal cups. It’s hard enough to situate the girls when getting into a bra, I can’t imagine what it would take to put on a breastplate that has individual breast-cups.

      Even NASA has a practical solution; the space suits Shuttle astronauts wear aren’t custom-made but constructed of pre-made “modules” that are gender neutral. The women just tend to wear smaller sizes.

      • SC says:

        Besides, having individual slots for boobs on armor creates this little groove of weak metal right in the sternum of the plate, and if a woman happened to fall down on her face or take a sword to the abdomen, that weak plating would puncture straight on through and kill her ass.

        Or, in a non-medieval setting, sci-fi snipers would probably LOVE to see this kind of armor, because it would make their jobs so much easier.

        • GhostCat says:

          Yeah, the woman’s cleavage would be an arrow pointing right at her heart.

          And we can’t forget the layers worn underneath armor, both traditional and sci-fi, would have to be constructed in such a way that the woman would still have distinct and individual breasts rather than the standard uni-boob you get when you layer clothing.

      • SC says:

        Which is weird, because I’ve been led to believe that sweater puppies are on the “super awesome” end of the boob spectrum.

      • I had actually planned to address this in an old fic of mine that I cancelled when I realized the series it was for was shit. MC-chan Rooster wears full body armor including a helmet, and that cuirass has no breast cups or form-fitting materials. I had planned that some characters were surprised to see she had a nice figure under all that armor. Might re-use the idea if I ever do a proper fantasy fic.

      • BatJamags says:

        Personally, I just have characters go into battle wearing sandwich boards with targets painted on them. It gets the point across much more efficiently.

    • agigabyte says:

      Cain: Even Goddess wears gender-neutral armor. When Goddess is being less idiotically provocative than you, you’re doing it wrong.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      It’s pretty much the SF version of a chainmail bikini at this point. The female chest armor in Mass Effect was one of the first things I changed, and I’ve kept it changed ever since.

      Halo does a much better job of keeping the armor reasonable, although as time has gone on and the general quality of the series has degraded the female MJOLNIR armor variants (and, to a lesser degree, the conventional Marine armor sets as well) have gotten more and more incompatible with the male ones.

  15. agigabyte says:

    You’ll want to take that up with Syl, I think she’s making book in the North Aquarium today. Something about seeing who can fit more Darkwraiths in their mouths, Gumdrop or Bartolemé.

    Cain: So that’s where Simon went.

    *Cain teleports off to find his dragon and get him away from Syl*

  16. SC says:

    I’m beginning to think I might have accidentally found one of those terrible Mass Effect fics.

    Couldn’t be. We haven’t had Shepard be an alien monarch from another galaxy who “fixes” shit by making it worse, or had Fem!Shepard sleeping shirtless, Garrus isn’t some primal barbarian busting anybody’s face who even looks at his waifu, and I have not seen one iota of Miranda-bashing or unsettling sexy talk about Tali since we started.

    (On a semi-related note, now that Mass Effect: Andromeda is a thing, I am terrified of the inevitable fics about new protagonist Ryder.)

  17. BatJamags says:

    “All impact Prawn operators prepare to take defensive position on the upper rear port side. This is a Code KT.”

    Oh no! That means that there’s a Johnson Scenario in Sector 32B, so we’ll have to implement a Tier 3 Epsilon Protocol before this becomes an HCE failure in the Lima Oscar Lima!

  18. BatJamags says:

    “From behind too”, another said,

    Bow chicka bow wow.

  19. BatJamags says:

    Oh, and since no one else seems to have posted this, I’ll get it out of the way.

  20. BatJamags says:

    The Prawns stuck to the hull of the Aurora thanks to artificial gravity simulators in the feet of each, similar to that of the propulsion cannon.

    Tip for aspiring science fiction writers: If real technology is sufficient to perform a certain function, there’s no need to make up new technology to do the same thing.

    What I’m saying is there’s no reason for the suits to be using this instead of just magnets.

  21. BatJamags says:

    “Prepare for impact. Activate hull reinforcement!” Jane ordered as the first space rock came into range and she wound up a punch that easily shattered it. It was just like the guide said, controlling the suits did give one the sense of limitless power.

    Holy shit, that is the stupidest way of protecting yourself from asteroids.

    1: If the meteors could damage the ship, they can damage the suits.

    2: Do you think you could at least shoot them instead of punching them?

    3: And if you have to punch them, why does this need to be a job for manned suits? Can’t you just cover the ship in meteor-stopping punchy robo-arms?

  22. agigabyte says:

    Dammit! I thought I cancelled Swenia’s Spotify account.

    Can’t she just make a free one?

  23. BatJamags says:

    Just like that the Asteroid was snagged by the reels and stopped in its tracks. The boy was thrown from the rock by the impact, but his last reel slowed his freefall to a stop. He sighed with relief before he casually reeled himself back to the rock, then activated the other three reels, which pulled the asteroid and himself back to the ship, safe and sound.

    I think I’m supposed to be impressed, but instead I’m just confused.

  24. agigabyte says:

    [Stu Description Goes here]

    Cain: He is wearing a… modified diving suit–I feel ridiculous simply saying those words in this context–is he not? Shouldn’t his face, at the very least, be obscured?

  25. BatJamags says:

    “In case the future starts to look hopeless, remember Craig McGill, who crash-landed in the acid swamps of Boreal 9 and fought off arachnid kidney-poachers for forty-seven months, before hijacking a tame starwhal and riding it to the nearest phasegate. If Craig McGill can do that, you can survive another day.”

    I assumed he would’ve escaped by tying sea turtles together with chest hair.

  26. BatJamags says:

    and his eyes were a brilliant shade of violet

    Right, so that doesn’t exist. Some very deep blue eyes look a little purply under the right conditions (Elizabeth Taylor, for example), but actual purple eyes are a result of albinism.

    And no, Alexandria’s Genesis doesn’t exist. Just… no.

  27. BatJamags says:

    “That boy is Craig’s son, Nero McGill”,

  28. BatJamags says:

    She would have thanked him right there, but Nero had already slipped away without a word and disappeared.

    Stop trying to be Batman. You’re not Batman.

  29. BatJamags says:

    What was I doing here? Why was I here?

    It’s one of life’s great mysteries, isn’t it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God, watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don’t know, man, but it keeps me up at night.

  30. BatJamags says:

    “In fact I’m actually here to say thank you.”

    Well, that was quick. No need to waste time on interaction or development, I guess.

  31. BatJamags says:

    To anyone here who has previously and eagerly followed Wings of Remnant, I apologize for not posting there yet. The latest volumes of RWBY have thrown a wrench into the lore, and I have to rework some things before I continue there. It won’t be too much longer, I promise.

    Well, I’ve already got a RWBY fic that I was planning to riff, but I’ll make sure to save that one as well.

  32. BatJamags says:

    So… have you guys read this author’s profile? I have. And I think he’s trying to turn himself into a Stu. It’s… too stupid for words.

  33. Swenia says:

    Dammit! I thought I cancelled Swenia’s Spotify account.

    Turns out all I need is iTunes and Taco’s credit card!

  34. TacoMagic says:

    I bet you’ve mastered all forms of martial arts, as well as kickboxing, and are the top street fighter in the world as well.

  35. Swenia says:

    Live Nude Holo Girls, Available For Chat Now!

    *Holds out a credit card* Shut up and take Taco’s money!

  36. Swenia says:

    Okay, now that I’m sufficiently fortified – and can feel sounds – I can continue the riff.

    Oh really? Then I have just the thing for you!

  37. Swenia says:

    Not a day of training and you already have more guts than anyone else I’ve seen on this crew.

    If if there’s one thing I can say about the brave ones, it’s that they can be absolutely essential in the army. If you really need to capture a key point that’s under heavy opposition, just give a brave idiot two pistols and tell them ‘you got this!” Best diversion money can’t buy. You hav’ta get yourself a new brave idiot afterwards, but it’s surprisingly easy to pick off soldiers who are laughing themselves stupid.

  38. Swenia says:

    Yep, that’s my luck.

    Oh poor baby. A space nymph barges into your room and pounces on you like it’s heat season. Boy, I’m glad that hasn’t happened to me. It would certainly be awful if it did! Yup. Nothing at all could be worse.

    *Looks around expectantly for a few moments*

    Awww.

  39. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    I feel like I should post another picture of the P.R.A.W.N since this is apparently another author who feels that using the name of an object is all the description necessary

    was gonna say, the moment I see ‘Prawn’ and ‘suit’ in the same context the first thing that pops to mind is District 9 lol

  40. […] Christmas My Bleeding Crimson Despair A New Metal Cyborg Trio! The Savior rise of the Xenoponies Whatever McGill Can Do I Will Do Better I’ll protect you Sonic.exe/Round Two Teen titians: The weirdest foe Popo, Star Spawn of Cthulhu […]

  41. […] I am suddenly and unpleasantly reminded of that one SubNautica ‘fic where ‘point defenses’ involved engineers in power armor …. […]


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