1740: Subnautica The Novel Chapter Bundle 4 … er, 5 is out – Chapter 5


Title: Subnautica The Novel (Chapter Bundle 4 is out!)
Author: CrashBurnGlobal
Media: Video Game
Topic: Subnautica
Genre: Adventure/Mystery
URL Chapter 5
Critiqued by Ghostcat

:deep sigh:

So, thanks to SC, I have another chapter of this fic to power through. But after the author’s snit-fit in our comment section, the fic has apparently been deleted from ff.net so this is probably the very last chapter. So sad, much sorrow.

In the previous installment, Dumbass made it to Aurora despite not having the power reserves necessary without the PCC hand-delivering power cells to their feet (because whatever) and wandered around a bit before finally located the extremely important information that was needed to save Crazy Casey. Oh, and Dumbass has the incredibly lethal carar infection now but isn’t that concerned about it.

Chapter 14: Long Journey Home

Wasn’t that a book (and movie) featuring two dogs and a cat that talked to each other? Sally Fields was Sassy the cat!

By the time i got to my P.R.A.W.N suit, the ocean was filled with roars of predators waiting for me.

You certainly think a lot of yourself. While I’m sure any of the numerous predators would love to take a bite out of your ass, they aren’t going to be standing in line for the privilege.

I dove right into the heavily irradiated water, surprised that the high amounts of radiation hasn’t mutated anything.

It probably has, but the effects just aren’t visible yet. It takes time for mutations to show, such as developing cancerous growths or the appearance of genetic disorders in offspring; the most visible sign of the radiation would probably be the high number of dead fish and marine wildlife who have been killed outright by the radiation floating on the surface. (And those corpses could actually serve to explain the presence of the Reapers; big die-offs can draw predators looking for an easy meal.) There must not be any creatures around with the carar; those glowing green lumps could be mistaken for some sort of exotic tumors.

You know what might help with the radiation? Fixing the leaks in the drive core! Maybe you should put that on your to-do list someday.

More of those large predators that attacked me when i was coming here, I could only see two of them, but if there were two, there must be more.

Not necessarily; predators operate on what’s called the Rule of Ten – prey should outnumber predator by a factor of ten to one, or the predators will eat the prey faster than it can reproduce. And the bigger the predator, the bigger or more numerous that prey has to be. If there’s two Reapers in the area, there would have to be at least twenty equivalent-mass-amount of prey species as well – and given the size difference between the Reapers and most of the other creatures in the game, that could be hundreds and hundreds of fish. Where are they?

I floated the P.R.A.W.N suit gently back onto solid ground,

The exosuit, being a large mass of titanium and other materials, doesn’t float very well. Or at all.

making sure to stay in shallow water, because those beasts were barely bigger than the cyclops from what I can tell.

No, that’s a pretty accurate assessment – but like I mentioned in an earlier riff, it can be very difficult to judge the size of these creatures without a size reference. It’s not like Dumbass piloted the Cyclops beside a Reaper and then hopped out with a measuring tape. (That was probably Crazy Casey’s job.)

I was slowly making my way back, until the water got deeper and deeper. The large beasts could now latch on to my suit, and rip it to shreds.

Except they would have had to swim through the shallows to follow you, which they probably wouldn’t have done since they risk getting stuck there unless there really wasn’t any prey back there and you’re all there is to eat.

I moved as hastily as I could, but the P.R.A.W.N suit wasn’t fast enough to outrun them. Sooner or later I couldn’t hear their angry roars anymore, and I eased up a bit, but still on guard for anything waiting to chomp me up.

So … The exosuit wasn’t fast enough to outrun the Reapers, but you managed to outrun the Reapers? Nandatte?

* * *(Because I’m Lazy)

:snort-giggle: Yeah, I’ve noticed.

The mechanical arms lifted the P.R.A.W.N suit back into the docking bay, and i climbed out.

Oh, so that was a time-skip. I guess a frantic race back to save the only other human on the planet while being pursued by giant monsters wouldn’t make for compelling reading.

Casey was still sitting there in a hovering stretcher, with an I.V. bag taped to her arm.

Wait, what? Where did a hovering stretcher and IV bag come from? All you had before was a “medical bed” on the bridge.

And who wants to bet that she literally has an IV bag physically taped to her arm?

“Chet, i got the information.” I said to the cyclops. “Great captain, it is nice to see you once again. Please hand me the PDA, and I will decipher it.” A robotic hand reached out of the wall, and I gave it the medical PDA, and Then disappeared into the wall.

Why does it need to physically hold the PDA? Can’t it just download the information? And wasn’t there a radio link in the P.R.A.W.N.? Could they have sent the medical data wirelessly?

Two more hands dispersed through the wall, with a medical kit, and… A BLOWTORCH?! ” WHY DO YOU HAVE A BLOWTORCH?” I shouted.

…That is an excellent question. Did Dumbass accidentally get medical data from the Library’s infirmary?

“Captain, please calm down. THe patient is in stasis, so she won’t feel pain.

She’s in stasis? I thought she had passed out from blood loss?

To ensure you won’t “freak out” this blowtorch, is to seal the wound.”

With a blowtorch that you suddenly have for no adequately explained reason even though there’s both a thermal blade and a laser cutter available. I’m not a medically trained professional (although I do have a first aid/CPR/AED certification) but I seriously doubt a blowtorch, a flaming jet of gas that is quite destructive and would cause a lot of charring and peeling in the area, is the best tool for cauterizing a wound – and the word is ‘cauterize’ and not ‘seal’, which a computer should know.

You can actually see the force of the jet pushing the melted and/or burning material away – and this is what the medical texts recommended for a leg wound? You should not use something that can liquefy a light bulb on your leg. That is just extremely ill-advised and sounds like one of those Rule of Cool first-aid scenarios that show up in bad action movies.

(Also – damn but there are a lot of videos of people setting things on fire with blowtorches. I had an embarrassment of riches to choose from.)

I walked into the other room, i couldn’t watch it happen.

Don’t worry; I’m sure you’ll be able to hear it! And smell it.

“Captain the patient is treated. It is advised to not disturb the patient while sleeping. Have a nice day captain.” My stomach clenched.

That’s probably the smell. Maybe you should try to air out the sub before you start craving long pig.

How would I make it without the only other human that survived.

It baffles me that you’ve managed to survive this long even with the super-mega-awesome Sue.

I felt lonely, I wanted to cry.

Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll get distracted by something shiny soon. Here, maybe this will help;

Chapter 15: Wakey Wakey

Eggs and Bakey?

I just sat in the cyclops, waiting for Casey to wake up. I didn’t eat, and i didn’t sleep until she was awake.

That’s sweet, but kind of stupid considering all the strenuous activity you’ve been doing.

I could hear mumbling from her bed, and I went over to investigate. She tossed and turned, and kept mumbling.

What i could make out sounded like, “Logan…Monsters…” She was talking in her sleep, she was having a bad dream, and she clearly didn’t like it.

And possibly thinks Dumbass is a monster.

She shot up, with here eyes wide, and started breathing heavily.

Something people weakened from massive blood loss and being partially set on fire do all the time.

“What’s wrong?” I asked trying kneeling next her.

She was having a nightmare. Did you forget that already?

She put her hand on her head, and started breathing normally again. “I had a terrible dream. You were getting ripped to pieces by ocean monsters after they destroyed your P.R.A.W.N suit. There was so much blood, I…” She stopped and looked at me.

Oh, you’re just being silly; if the monsters tore the exosuit apart then Dumbass would be ripped to bits along with it, not in a separate event.

She leaned closer to me, and hugged me and started crying. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t move.

Sudden emotions are sudden, the Dumbass’ processing unit cannot compute.

She just stood there, hugging me tightly, and crying on my shoulder.

Dumbass is kneeling by the bed and Crazy Casey is standing in the bed while crying on Dumbass’ shoulder. I do not think bodies can move like that.

“I thought you would never come back. That you would die, and I would be stuck in a coma.” She said wiping her eyes, and letting go.

You weren’t in a coma, you were (apparently) in stasis and shouldn’t have been aware that he was gone at all.

I stood up, and stepped back, because she too was trying to stand.

But she’s already standing!

She limped for a moment, and then fell to the floor. I walked over to her to help her up.


You were right beside her!

“Get me to the fabricator, i need to make something.” She said.

Or you can just tell Dumbass what you need rather than trying to butch your way through this.

I did as she told me to, and I walked her over to the fabricator, and she put some titanium, and some fiber mesh into the fabricator, and it made her a crutch.

Where did she get the titanium and fiber mesh from? Was it in her pockets the entire time? That couldn’t have been comfortable while she was sleeping, no wonder she had a nightmare.

She picked it up, and motioned me to let go of her arm. She tried walking with the crutch, fell over a couple times, but got the hang of it.

And she didn’t even need a recovery montage with a peppy soundtrack! (Thank all the gods that govern such things.)

“Now that I am a stumbling idiot”, she said.

That’s a bit harsh; now that you’ve managed to master the crutch that statement is only half correct.

“You are going to have to hunt, and explore.” I nodded.

Ah, I see what this is. I thought that Crazy Casey’s injury was going to lead to a hurt/comfort situation, but it looks as if this was an excuse to put her on the back burner so Dumbass can take a few levels in Badassery.

She hobbled on over back to her bed, and sat down. I grabbed her a water, and handed it to her. She took it and drank it in seconds.

That reminds me – wasn’t she hooked up to an IV bag? Or at least taped to one? What happened to that? Is she dragging it around with her everywhere?

“Can you be a dear, and get something to eat for me?” She asked.

I guess that coma/stasis made your sentence structure go all wonky.

I nodded, and gave her a nutrient block.

That Dumbass just happens to be carrying around with them at all times.

One from the Aurora I grabbed while I had time.

And that you just suddenly remembered doing after the fact.

She ate that in no time at all, and lied back down.

I get like that after a big meal, too. Maybe you should shove a bunch of fiber mesh into the fabricator and get it to make you some comfy sweatpants.

I decided to make myself useful,


and piloted the cyclops back to shallower water.

If you’re going back to the shallows, which you passed through twice on the way two and from the crash, why didn’t you just move the Cyclops there in the first place?

Once we got there, I climbed out of the hatch, and looked for easy prey.

If you’re hunting for food, don’t you typically prefer the easier prey? It’s not like you’re going to wrestle a Reaper with your bare hands just to make some stir-fry.

After I caught about 5 fish,


No numerals!

I squirmed back into the hatch, and put them in the fabricator. It cured them, o they would last longer, and I put them in a storage unit.

Even though you apparently have the ability to put things into stasis so they would never go bad; or is that just for people?

I laid down on the floor, and slowly fell asleep.

You’d think after spending so much time on the Cyclops someone would have thought about making a normal bed – or even kludging together a sleeping bag or something.

Chapter 16: Back to Aurora

But Dumbass just got back from there! And there’s a bunch of Reapers hanging around that want to munch on Dumbass’ giblets.

After I woke up from a long nap, I pondered over the fact of what I might have missed when I explored the Aurora.

Probably a lot since you weren’t there to explore but had a very specific goal in mind.

Not even thinking of a plan,

As per the usual.

i piloted the cyclops toward the bow of the Aurora.

:deep sigh:

Great. Tell me again why Dumbass didn’t take the Cyclops to the Aurora the first time?

The cyclops is faster than the P.R.A.W.N suit, but it was still slow, so we didn’t get there until sunset.

I don’t know what time it was when you started, so I’ll have to take your word that it took a long time.

Wait … If it’s sunset, does that mean they are going to go on yet another ill-advised exploration trip in the dark?!?


Casey woke up by then, and said, “Where are we?” I replied, “Aurora. Grab your crutch we’re exploring.”


I hope I don’t have to explain why it would be a very bad idea for a person with limited mobility to try to explore a broken and falling down ship that is still (inexplicably) on fire in many places.

She gave me a “You’re crazy” look and said, “You must have lost it. There is NO way that the ship is traversable.”

Clearly it is because Dumbass managed it, but … Well… :glances significantly at crutch: Y’know.

She hobbled over, and smacked me in the back of the head.

:resists urge to high-five Crazy Casey:

“OW! Heyyy…” I said rubbing my head. “You can go, I’m staying here.” Casey said.

You must have a concussion or something, you’re acting halfway sensible.

I walked to the hatch leading to the P.R.A.W.N suit. I made sure I had everything I needed. Laser cutter, fire extinguisher, food and water.


Medkit, Dumbass; you forgot the medkit. Didn’t your last nocturnal field trip teach you anything?

“Alright! See ya later!” I said waving bye to Casey. I climbed into the P.R.A.W.N suit, and the robotic arms dropped me in front of the Aurora. I used the jets on the bottom,

Since the exosuit is vague humanoid-shaped, I’m picturing the jets being in a very specific and non-canonical place right now.

and floated up to the level part of the deck, and repeated the same process.

Dumbass is repeating the process of getting into the exosuit? That doesn’t make any sense.

I checked the administration,

Oh, Dumbass is retracing the path they took to get into Aurora! Only they didn’t go to Administration the first time, they went to the Cargo Bay instead.

and to the irony, I saw a P.R.A.W.N suit poster, in the Aurora’s P.R.A.W.N bay.

Which wasn’t near the Administration area, where Dumbass is currently supposed to be.

“Past meets future eh?” I took the poster and rolled it up.

What part of this is supposed to be ironic? Or is this the literal definition and the poster is actually made of iron?

No way I aren’t taking this with me.

I bet you isn’t.

I walked over to the cargo bay hallway, and I found a propulsion cannon. How did this not get destroyed, or ripped apart?

Or found by you the first time you came through this area? It could have come in handy with moving all those boxes and debris.

The propulsion cannon is a gun that can grab onto an object and pull it close to the user – reversing the shot catapults the captured object at a high speed. There’s a warning that pops up when you fabricate one that states that it should not be used on living things, but… Y’know.

I picked it up, and used it to move the cargo boxes, and other debris in front of the doorway, and I went through.

SEE?!? I told you so!

The cargo hold was still a mess, but I found a few nutrient blocks.

That, again, you somehow overlooked on the previous trip despite spending a lot of time in this area.

I went down to the seamoth bay, nothing there.

Literally nothing because it’s made of Void.

I went to the P.R.A.W.N bay, and I found a P.R.A.W.N arm.

It is the P.R.A.W.N. Bay, where they store the P.R.A.W.N. suits, so where else would they keep the P.R.A.W.N. arms? The commissary?

It was a torpedo arm. It was badly damaged, but salvageable.

Oh, you’re saving this but there wasn’t any spare parts in the Seamoth bay that you could have used to help rebuild the Seamoth you imploded with your incompetence?

I picked it up with the propulsion cannon, and brought it along with me like that.

Thus tying up your only weapon and probably putting a lot of strain on its battery. Just set it aside in an area where you can pick it up on the way back to the Cyclops.

With some skillful jumping, I made it up to the living cabins.

I’m just going to picture Dumbass jumping up and down and clicking their heels together like Dorothy, because I have no idea what they are doing to get to the crew quarters.

I walked into the diner, nothing there.

:stares into Void:

Literally nothing.

I walked into the area where they kept food.

So the diner, which supposedly has nothing, does have something – a pantry or kitchen area where food is kept.

On the floor I found a luggage bag,

:alarms blare:

No, that doesn’t count! This is another fine product from the Plot Convenience Corporation – the Luggage™ brand Bag! It’s the perfect storage device for any occasion.

:alarms abruptly shut off:

Damn. I didn’t think that would work.

with nothing inside.

More nothing? I’m not going to have to use the Auryn symbol to save Fantasia, am  I?

I picked it up, and put all the food and water I could into the bag, and kept walking.

Now Dumbass is going to explore the wreckage while carrying around a heavy bag and that torpedo arm that is being levitated using a gun that requires both hands to operate. This whiffs of more misplaced game mechanics; in a game a player has an inventory where they can store an unrealistic amount of stuff – in the real world, Dumbass probably wouldn’t be able to move with a full inventory. A more realistic scenario would have Dumbass making caches of goods, possibly divided by type of item or by how important or useful or perishable it is, near the area where his exosuit is parked to make it easier to load up the suit’s storage compartments.

I found some batteries and some more water bottles.

Yeah, shove it into the Bag of Holding. Whatever.

That was all I could salvage, so I left the P.R.A.W.N bay.

Wait, weren’t you in the living areas – specifically a diner/food storage area that you had to jump to get to? How did you get to the P.R.A.W.N. bay?

I noticed a sign I haven’t seen before, the drive room. I followed the signs to the room with four big drive cores.

It’s about damn time.

My PDA uttered something I didn’t believe at first. “The aurora drive core is ruptured. Repair needed. If repaired local radiation will decrease.”


:reads passage again:

:blinks again:

Okay, even if the PDA didn’t tell you about the radiation leak before now – which it certainly would have – the ship exploded and then there was a sudden increase in radiation around the wreckage. Is it really that hard to connect the dots? This is at least your third trip to the ship; did you never stop to wonder what the source of the radiation could be?

Without taking a second thought, I jumped right into the water.

I bet a nickel Dumbass crashes head-first into something.

THere were more bulbous parasites, I had to stab some that got too close, but some attached to my arm.

Is “attached to arm” not considered too close? Because I would feel that was a little too close for my personal comfort levels.

I punched and cut them until they let go.

Quick question – how are you doing all this stabbing and punching if you’re holding that bulging Luggage™ brand Bag and the two-handed propulsion cannon that’s levitating the broken exosuit torpedo arm?  With all that stuff, you should have dropped like a stone when you hit the water.

I had to work fast or they would syphon all my blood. The ruptures slowly were repaired, and in about 5 minutes I hopped out of the water,

This right here is why you should start each new thought in a new paragraph – the way it is written now makes it look as if those ‘ruptures’ are the wounds caused by the Bleeders and not the breaks in the drive core.


That was for the numeral.

and bandaged up my bitter and bloody parts.

Dude, no tasting yourself!

My arm, two on my leg, and one on my back.

I can’t even scratch my back, much less bandage a wound on it.

In a few moments my PDA said, “Radiation cleaning sequence started. Estimated time of cleanup, 3 days.”


Stop that!

I grabbed the propulsion cannon, and lifted the torpedo arm all the way back to the cyclops,

And since you never put down the first propulsion cannon and broken torpedo arm, you are now operating two devices that both need two hands.

occasionally dodging the molten titanium falling from the roof.

And somehow managing to avoid bursting into flames like a living candle from the intense heat. I know, I know; “It happens in the game!” That doesn’t make it less plausible.

I got inside the P.R.A.W.N suit docked on the deck, and picked up the arm with the suit. In a few moments I was back inside the cyclops.

I guess all those predators who were chasing Dumbass decided to hang back in the Void for a bit.

Chapter 17: Upgrade Time

Are you looking for a better GPU, too? I’ve heard good things about the XFX R9 295 X2, but it’s a little on the pricey side for me and I’m not sure it would fit in my rig’s case.

“Log date 7265. IT has been 2 days since the second trek on the Aurora. Casey is back at base making upgrades and having oh so much fun. Logan signing out.” I said to the recorder, and turning it off.

Y’know, I had forgotten that log entries were a thing in this fic. There hasn’t been any since the first chapter-lump.

I ambled the P.R.A.W.N suit further around, exploring the forest like biome. Seed pods glowed orange, and dark green kelp blended perfectly to create the amazing scenery.

So amazing that it defies description, or so I assume.

“Logan, time to come back. I have something amazing I need to show you!” Casey said through the radio in the P.R.A.W.N suit.

I guess we’re back to the pattern of Crazy Casey showing off some new toy to Dumbass, who squees like a fangirl, and then they immediately find themselves in a situation where they have to use whatever gadget she’s whipped together.

I headed back to the bland grassy biome we set base in. Biters tapped against the glass trying to nibble at me, but were unsuccessful. I used the jets to float up to the moonpool, and docked my P.R.A.W.N suit. I hopped out, and walked into the main room.


 “Hey Logan! Check it out!” Casey grabbed my hand, which was slippery with lubricant and oil.

Ewww. What exactly was Dumbass doing in the exosuit?

She tugged me across the room, and held up a P.R.A.W.N arm.

“It’s your turn to make dinner, and I’m in the mood for scampi.”

“Remember that torpedo arm you found?

Which one? There was two of them towards the end there.

Well I salvaged it, and it works!” She said. She put it down back with the other arm on the ground.

Technically Dumbass salvaged it and you either repaired or rebuilt it. Not really sure how she managed that since Dumbass didn’t bring any spare parts back, but whatever.

“That explains why it smells like gasopod feces in here.” I said plugging my nose from the awful stench of gasopod gas.

It … does? Why does that explain the smell? Are these gas torpedoes, or the regular explodey kind? And does it smell? I would think the powerful stench of a toxic gas would be something that should be described as soon as Dumbass entered the base. This is a very small, enclosed space with a limited supply of air – smells are going to linger.

“Check this one out!” Casey held up another arm. “This one is a propulsion cannon arm. It does all thing a propulsion cannon can. It picks up stuff, and shoots it at stuff.”

And that’s all the explanation the audience will get regarding the propulsion cannon, and it appears well after the first time anyone uses one of the damn things.

She set it down with the other one. “I got some more stuff to show you!” She tugged me along some more, back to the moonpool.

I bet she even has a few things thrown in for good measure!

She dragged me through another hallway, which was her dedicated “Casey spacey”.

I wish I knew what this base looked like so I could tell where they were. Bases are built from prefab modules that can be arranged in almost any configuration without any kind of standard blueprint, so there’s no way of knowing what this base looks like.

That’s where she did all kinds of random things, and I could tell something good was coming my way.

:porno music blasts out of the Library speakers:


“As second in command of this seabase, I Casey McGillion, dedicate this new suit to you.”

Second in command? There’s only two humans on this planet and she’s been ordering Dumbass around since they met; how is she the second in command?

SHe handed me a new suit, with a whole bunch of tubes, or textures, or reinforcements. I couldn’t tell.

It’s some kind of thing, with stuff, and what have you.

But it was way better then my stripped and tattered suit I’m wearing now.

Aren’t you wearing a brand new radiation suit that the Cyclops just fabricated for you before you went on that mission to recover the medical data?

“Imma go change real quick.” I said. I walked out the room, to my space of the seabase.

Which is probably over there :waves hand in random direction: somewhere. Maybe.

I slipped off my shredded clothing, and put the new suit on. My PDA said “Recycling of urine started. Estimated recycling and filtration, 20 minutes.” Now that’s just disgusting.

No, what’s disgusting is that you started pissing yourself as soon as you put the new suit on. That’s the only way the suit could access your urine without inserting a catheter up your urethra – which is a very memorable event.

I walked back to Caseys spacey, and said. “This is just disgusting! You expect me to drink my own pee?” Casey giggled. “Well you were known amongst the ranks to eat weird stuff, so why not?” She said.

Dude, that is not the kind of thing you should just spring on a person without their knowledge! There’s a big difference between someone who will eat random stuff when pressured by others (or if there’s a bet involved) and someone who enjoys drinking their own distilled urine.

“What suit did you make for yourself?” I asked.

Why do you assume she made a different suit for herself? The piss-drinking thing might be her personal kink.

She looked at here suit, and it was padded with some sort of hard fiber. “Reinforced dive suit.” She said. She showed it off, with padding on the arms, chest, back, and legs.

Does it still count as fanservice if no one knows what she looks like?

“You jealous?” She said. “Not really. I mean you’re the hunter, you need it.” I replied.

She’s also the one with the serious leg gouge/burn, so I doubt she would be going out hunting any time soon.

“Your such a pushover!” She said. “Well this pushover made the biggest trip of his life and the most dangerous for you!” I said acting all cocky.

:pokes Dumbass in the chest with Mr. Crowbar:

If you think a woman should treat you special just because you displayed basic human decency by not letting her die, I will have words with you.

“You’re right.” She said. “So you really deserve this.”

:porno music intensifies:


She handed me something. It was a captain’s medal.

…Oh-kay. Am I supposed to know what that is?

“Hold on. Where’d you get this?” I asked looking at the medal in my hand.


There’s tons of random scrap metal all over the place, plus she seems to be pretty good at modding the fabricater so she can make things that she shouldn’t be able to make.

“Whaddya mean where did I find it it’s mine!” Casey said.

Do you mean it is yours in the sense that you now possess it?

“So you’re saying you are a captain?” I asked again. “A captain, more like THE Captain!” Casey said.

:violently spits coffee all over desk:

The fuck?!?

“Your joking!”

My never jokes, but I hope hers is.


She has to be either joking or lying. :crosses fingers: Please?

“Name the highest ranking crew members!”

Wouldn’t most of the crew be able to do that? And if they can’t, that would mean Dumbass doesn’t know the names of the highest ranking crewmembers so she could make up anything.

“Officers. Not counting myself”


That is neither the names of the highest ranking officers nor is it the names of their ranks. In most military or quasi-military groups “officer” is a class of ranks, not an individual rank.

Didn’t Crazy Casey just state that she was the second in command of the base? If she was the captain of the Sirius Aurora and Dumbass was just a regular crewmember then she should be in command.


I sure as hell hope not, since what she said didn’t make any sense.

“So you’re for real, legit, serious?” I asked. “Yep.” Casey said.

And you can totally take her word for it; it’s not like she has a history of tying you up and holding you at knifepoint or any other erratic behaviours!

I walked out. The awkwardness was overwhelming.

The same could be said for most of the fic.

I exited the seabase, for a simple swim to take it off my mind. I noticed something I hadn’t ever seen before, but I’m extremely surprised I didn’t at all before.

I’m not surprised at all; Dumbass is a few Lincoln Logs short of a cabin, after all.

A sandshark, a Boomerang, and so much more creatures were covered in green cysts. They bulged and pulsated, and their bloodstreams glowed a bright yellow, able to be seen in the darkest depths of the ocean. Even a reef back was covered in the cysts.

It is understandable that Dumbass might not think too much of the glowing spots at first, these are alien creatures after all and the spots could just be a natural thing that happens to them, but after Dumbass acquired their own set of glowing spots then they should have started suspecting that something was happening.

I scrambled back inside, I ran to Casey’s room.

Don’t you mean her ‘spacey’?

“You need to look outside NOW!” I said. “Okay jeez man give me a sec. Oh man this is bad.” Casey said.

Wait, so she didn’t notice it either? Has she seen the green spots all over Dumbass? And shouldn’t she be as equally as infected since she’s been exposed for the same amount of time that Dumbass has?

… She hasn’t seen them, has she? They just vanished into the Void seconds after Dumbass noticed them, didn’t they? And she’s not showing any signs of infection herself, is she?

:kicks desk repeatedly:


She glared at the horrors of the disease like infection in the creatures.

:alarms blare:

No, wait; this doesn’t count either! This is a DisEase™ brand infection – specifically engineered by the PCC to be easily diagnosed at a glance rather than having to waste time on medical tests.

:alarms abruptly shut off:

Damn. I really didn’t think they would fall for it a second time.

“We need to isolate these creatures. We need to study what this virus can do.” Casey said.

How does she know it’s a virus? You can’t visually identify a microscopic organism from a distance. This could be a virus, or a parasite, or a bacterium, or a fungus, or some as-yet-unknown alien vector. (It’s a bacterium, which they would know if they performed a self-scan with the scanner.)

“Whaddya think will happen? I’m not looking’ forward to being turned inside out.” I said.

Is that a possibility? They’ve only just realized that there’s a problem, so they have no idea what the symptoms of this disease could be. The carar is almost universally lethal, but the humans don’t know that yet. All these two see is a bunch of infected animals going about their usual lives with no adverse affects. Even Dumbass hasn’t shown any symptoms, so as far as they know it might cause nothing but a few cosmetic changes, like warts on Earth.

Chapter 18: Another pilot

Huh? It’s kind of late to be adding another survivor, isn’t it?

“Casey! How are we on rations?” I said.

That’s a random thing to be worrying abut while discussing a potential disease outbreak.

“I dunno check yourself! I’m busy at the moment!” She said.

She’s doing very important captain stuff! It’s technical, so you wouldn’t understand.

I walked over to the ladder, and climbed down. We usually stored food in the downstairs lockers of the cyclops, and we kept more important things upstairs.

I don’t know about you, but I consider not starving to death to be very important.

Wait a second … How did they get in the Cyclops? They were just in their base discussing the carar. Did Crazy Casey invent a teleporter or something?

I checked the storage compartments, and all we had was a few cooked peppers, which were decomposing.

Ewww. If only there was a way to keep food fresh, maybe by designing a cold box of some kind, or using stasis technology, or, I dunno, salting it.

“Not good, I say we run back home and get some.” I shouted up the ladder.

Or, since all your food is apparently rotting in a cupboard, you could try to find some locally since that would save you some time.

She climbed down the ladder and walked up to me. “Can I please take the P.R.A.W.N suit?! I REALLY want to try it out!” Casey pleaded.

Shouldn’t she be limping from her recent traumatic leg injury/burning? And why would she bother asking? She’s the captain, so she could just tell her subordinate that she’s taking the exosuit – although I’m not really sure why she would need to do that. Dumbass suggested that they (plural) should go back to the base to pick up supplies. I assume this would be because the Cyclops can hold much more than the P. R. A.W. N. can.

She gave me the puppy eyes, which were too hard to resist.

Sensei keeps trying to do that, with various degrees of success. I think it is because he takes the saying far too literally.

“Fine by me, just don’t get into any tangles with sea monsters.” I said. She jumped up and hugged me, and said thank you about a million times.

Crazy Casey has been acting more and more like a Manic Pixie Girl, I wonder if she hit her head when she fell out of that abandoned base.

Then she ran upstairs, and released the suit into the water.

:porno music intensifies again:


That frickin’ fic is like an albatross around our necks.

I swam outside to see this possible train wreck with my own eyes.

Oh, it won’t be that bad. It’s not like you would let her use the thing unless she knew at least the basics of its operation.

She just stood there for a few seconds before asking me through the earpiece she gave me, “Uh… How do I move?”


Frickin’ hell. It is such a bad idea to let a rank amateur use what is apparently the only exosuit you have; if she breaks it, then you’re screwed. And it even tells you flat-out that only trained operators should be allowed to use it because it can be exceptionally dangerous!

I snickered, and she rolled her eyes.

I wonder if Dumbass would survive a bitch-slap from an exosuit?

“See those handle bars on your left and right? Move those up and down to walk, just like you use your own legs.” I said. She started stumbling the P.R.A.W.N suit forwards, but soon she got the hang of it. “Now how do I punch things?” She asked. I replied with. “Use the joysticks on top of the handle bars to move the arms, and press them down to punch or use the function of the arm.”

This would probably be a lot more interesting if the fic had bothered explaining what the P. R. A. W. N. looked like; as it is, if you aren’t already familiar with the exosuit’s design this would just be a bunch of technobabble.

She started swaying the arms in a random motion, and started punching and drilling fish that swam by.

I really hope she’s had some sort of mental breakdown since the ship crashed, because I would hate to think of her being in any position of authority in her current state.

“Well now we have food. I’ll go run these to the fabricator.” I said as i picked up corpses of dead fish with giant dents in their bodies. “Have fun out there.” I opened the hatch and shook the water off of me like a dog, then I climbed upstairs. One by one I cured the fishies.

Huh. I guess that means they don’t have to make a trip back to the base. But if there’s that many fish nearby, why did Dumbass even suggested it in the first place?

Now we have food for the expedition up north. The only place we haven’t explored.

I’m going to have to take your word for it, because based only on the information in the fic you two have only explored a handful of areas – most of those more than once.

Chapter 19: Another Island

That would probably be the Mountain Island, which is where the big Precursor gun is located. If they have explored everywhere, then they probably should have run across the only other landmass located above the water at some point.

And that’s it for the chapter – and likely the fic. I don’t know what I’ll do with the rest of my life now. Maybe play some Slime Rancher, they just released an update.


64 Comments on “1740: Subnautica The Novel Chapter Bundle 4 … er, 5 is out – Chapter 5”

  1. SC says:

    So, thanks to SC, I have another chapter of this fic to power through

  2. SC says:

    You know what might help with the radiation? Fixing the leaks in the drive core! Maybe you should put that on your to-do list someday.

    But he never did~

  3. SC says:

    To ensure you won’t “freak out” this blowtorch, is to seal the wound.

    Doc: …Fuck’s sake.

    *Doc heats a scalpel over a Bunsen burner and slices the cap off another beer in disgust*

    • SC says:

      And who wants to bet that she literally has an IV bag physically taped to her arm?

      *Doc chugs his beer, throws the bottle away, and slices the cap off another one*

      • SC says:

        Captain the patient is treated.

        *Doc looks at his beer, gently sets it down, then hefts a rather large bottle of brandy up onto the counter*

  4. SC says:

    The propulsion cannon is a gun that can grab onto an object and pull it close to the user – reversing the shot catapults the captured object at a high speed.

    Gee, that sounds familiar.

    But I can’t put a finger on why…

  5. SC says:

    Grab your crutch we’re exploring

    I’d say you’d be surprised how often stuff like this is said by the Specs and Co., but you really wouldn’t be all that surprised.

  6. SC says:

    You’d think after spending so much time on the Cyclops someone would have thought about making a normal bed – or even kludging together a sleeping bag or something.

    Yeah, what the fuck, Casey? Get going on that alrea- oh, right.

  7. SC says:

    I don’t know what I’ll do with the rest of my life now. Maybe play some Slime Rancher, they just released an update.

    I should probably get back to Final Fantasy 7 at some point. Last I checked, my latest save was the first trip through Mount Coral.

  8. BatJamags says:

    I moved as hastily as I could, but the P.R.A.W.N suit wasn’t fast enough to outrun them. Sooner or later I couldn’t hear their angry roars anymore, and I eased up a bit, but still on guard for anything waiting to chomp me up.

    Again with the arbitrarily negating any possible tension!

  9. SC says:

    I wonder if Dumbass would survive a bitch-slap from an exosuit?

    *Bifocals’ eyes widen with hopeful glee*

  10. BatJamags says:

    One from the Aurora I grabbed while I had time.

    You mean the irradiated disaster zone? Yeah, I don’t think that nutrient block is safe, man.

    • GhostCat says:

      They’ve both been eating fish that’s been swimming in the irradiated water for a long period of time, so I think the damage is done. The upshot is that they are probably both sterile by now.

  11. BatJamags says:

    If you’re hunting for food, don’t you typically prefer the easier prey? It’s not like you’re going to wrestle a Reaper with your bare hands just to make some stir-fry.

    Maybe you wouldn’t.

  12. BatJamags says:

    and to the irony, I saw a P.R.A.W.N suit poster, in the Aurora’s P.R.A.W.N bay.

    That’s not remotely how irony works.

  13. BatJamags says:

    I’m just going to picture Dumbass jumping up and down and clicking their heels together like Dorothy, because I have no idea what they are doing to get to the crew quarters.

    There’s no place like the living cabins, there’s no place like the living cabins, there’s no place like the living cabins…

  14. BatJamags says:

    “Your joking!”

  15. CrunchyRaptor says:

    I must say that while Casey is an irredeemable Sue, she makes wonderful barbecue.

  16. TacoMagic says:

    After I caught about 5 fish,

    You know, around 5. Somewhere between three and seven fish. Fish are really hard to count.

  17. TacoMagic says:

    And somehow managing to avoid bursting into flames like a living candle from the intense heat. I know, I know; “It happens in the game!” That doesn’t make it less plausible.

    Not sure that “less” was the word you wanted there.

  18. Swenia says:

    That’s where she did all kinds of random things, and I could tell something good was coming my way.

    We do the weird stuff!

  19. TacoMagic says:

    Maybe play some Slime Rancher, they just released an update.


  20. Y’know, I was planning to release chapter 20, but then i realized this:

    “Well damn! Those guys are gonna get their hands on this and throw it in the blender, so how about I just take a break and work on my other/better projects.”

    So there you go.

    • Angie says:

      *Niel looks down at blender sadly, walks off on the verge of tears*

      God, see? Now you made him all sad.

    • GhostCat says:

      First off, you didn’t have anything close to twenty chapters – you had five chapters broken into eighteen scenes that you (for some reason) labeled as individual chapters (and one that wasn’t numbered ‘Because I’m lazy’) and were posting as ‘chapter bundles’ rather than actual chapters.

      Secondly, why do you feel the need to keep updating us – the “riffing assholes” as you so eloquently put it – on the status of a fic that you’ve already taken down? It in no way changes our opinion of what you’ve already written.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’m thinking it’s like on the playground how you’d pull the pigtails of that one girl. You know, the pretty one who’s really cool, but you can’t let everyone know that you think she’s cool?

        Or maybe it was Tom Sawyer who did that, I can’t remember.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

    • SC says:

      The way this guy keeps flip-flopping is really making that one Katy Perry song get stuck in my head.

      You change your mind like a girl changes clothes~

      No, but really, what the fuck are we supposed to care about what you do with a fic which is awful and you clearly have no intention of doing anything to improve? Take it down, put it back up, launch it into the fucking sun, I personally could not be bothered to give one solitary crap.

    • KittyNoodles says:

      And yet, there it is, back on your bio. To no one’s great surprise; you’re about as predictable as watching someone getting ready to tear a piece of paper. Will it rip???????

      Also: Chapter twenty? Don’t you mean “chapter pack number six”?

      Lastly – you’re kind of starting to date us harder than I date myself. You mention us in your FF.Net group and on your bio, you stalk the comments of the Subnautica riffs and update us with fresh bile every time you tweak anything on your bio… are you waiting to see if we do any other riffs of your stuff, or do you think we’re going to put up a goodbye notice and shut the site down because we just feel so terribly dreadful about offending you by pointing out all the ways and reasons your badfic is a badfic? Or do you just think whining on all the riffs of your stuff is going to spoil our fun…?

      Either way, there are better ways to spend your time. Maybe you should go read a book.

    • KittyNoodles says:

      You’re awful keen to make a big deal out of this riff and keep us updated on how thoroughly we’ve apparently ruined your writing…

      I was going to say “career,” but you would have to be a published author with a decently sized fan following and who made money off of his writings to be considered to have a career in this field.

      Still, the point stands. You call us out here and on your bio, you’ve thrown a celebrity style hissy fit over us, and you’ve created a community for other writers we’ve riffed to come together and recover from our sick burns – much like an AA group, come to think of it. If you hate us all so much, why do you keep coming back and making a bigger deal out of this riff than we are?

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Ohhh, CrashBurn. Don’t ever change.

    • BatJamags says:

      I’ve just been trying to come up with a snarky way of responding to this (I was thinking of just reusing my “OK.” line from your other hissy fit), but I should point something out before your sense of self-importance gets any more inflated:

      Your writing is really not all that important to us or to anyone else. It’s a piece of bad fanfiction. As an exercise in humor and literary criticism, Ghostie tore it apart. Since you’re obviously not receptive to criticism, that aspect of the riff has failed. And at this point, we really don’t care whether or not you get the joke. So, here’s the thing: if you’re not going to take us seriously and you don’t think we’re funny, then anything we’re doing is meaningless to you. Write or don’t write whatever the hell you want. We don’t need to hear about it because we probably won’t care, and if we do, we’re just as willing to riff any other fic you’ve written. I doubt it’ll happen in the near future, because while your temper tantrums are funny, we’ve more than established what’s wrong with your writing, and there’s not much else to say.

      Now, I’m feeling patient today, so I’m going to encourage you to go back over the riffs and think about what you can improve with your writing. I’m sure all of us would be willing to give you some pointers. The only way to write well is to be determined to get better. I suspect you won’t take me up on this, but my username on fanfiction is the same as it is here. PM me and I can give you some pointers that should help with your writing. I promise that if you work at it, it’ll make your work more satisfying.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Y’know, I was planning to release chapter 20, but then i realized this:

      “Well damn! Those guys are gonna get their hands on this and throw it in the blender, so how about I just take a break and work on my other/better projects.”

      So there you go.

      Well that didn’t last long.

    • I made the decision not to care anymore and the fic is back up, so do what you must to please your sick twisted ways. I don’t care anymore. Feed it to your cats, or whatever you sick people do. Also, something to make you all happy, I am not going to post another comment on this page, and I’m going to fix my bio, and all the BS you complained about. So go ahead, the buffet is all yours.

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