1740: Fall to Equestria – Chapters Seven and EightPosted: April 20, 2017
The following chapters mention the private parts of ponies. That is all.
Hello hello all you patrons!
Last time on Fall to Equestria, our wonderful protagonist Loser Martin attended a welcome-to-Equestria party held in his honor by Pinkie Pie. There he encountered Lyra Heartstrings and wasted no time in… jerking her off in public, getting a face full of magical horn ejaculate (!) for his trouble. After making out with Pinkie Pie (thereby getting himself covered in saliva and unijizz) and being felt up by a bunch of other random ponies-
-and losing his dickshirt in the process-
-he made the entirely sensible decision to leave that cauldron of insanity only to encounter the one and only Princess Luna.
Sadly, that does not mean the entire ‘fic up to this point has been a nightmare.
Lest she’d banish it from existence.
Bad touch counter: 16
We resume with a whole lot of nothing in Chapter Seven, ‘The midnight walk’.
As me and Luna walked in the night I told her who I was, what I was and what did I like.
He must really like her, he’s been cagey as fuck with that information up until now.
“Why do you like the night so much?” she asked. She looked to have a hard time believing me that I prefer the night over the day.
This actually came up in another ‘fic I was evaluating but decided not to riff. Apparently, compared to humans, horses and ponies have a much stronger circadian rhythm.
I thought it was the other way around. Horses only need around 4 hours of deep sleep, and can space out small naps during the day, while standing up.
Well that’s what I get for learning my biology from fanfiction.
“Unlike humans, horses do not sleep in a solid, unbroken period of time, but take many short periods of rest. Horses spend four to fifteen hours a day in standing rest, and from a few minutes to several hours lying down. Total sleep time in a 24-hour period may range from several minutes to a couple of hours, mostly in short intervals of about 15 minutes each. The average sleep time of a domestic horse is said to be 2.9 hours per day.”
From Wikipedia. Of course, MLP’s equines do have mostly humanoid sleep cycles, so what do I know.
“The tranquillity of the surrounding, the purity of the air, the beauty of the sky; these are just a few of the many reason that I prefer the night over day.” I looked up to admire the moon. “I always believe that it was easier to look at the moon then the sun. Don’t you think so?”
“Well, we did have a thousand years by ourselves with which to ponder the question… Asshole.”
I bet he was a learn-by-experience type of guy.
I asked while turning my head to her.
Also, this guy missed a golden opportunity for a legitimate bonding moment. As a human hailing from (presumably) a world that had a moon landing, the site of said moon landing was the Mare Tranquillitatis.
I don’t even want to think about this guy attempting a moon landing.
She giggled at my question. Her smile shined with the moon light making her look as beautiful as the night. I blushed at her gorgeous smile.
“Please, tell me more about you know.”
“Well, when a mare and a stallion love each other very much…”
Their offspring almost sends an entire civilization to an icy doom.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! KILL IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She talked about herself. How she is the princess of the night and how she didn’t want me to call her princess.
Then why did she bring it the fuck up?
As we walked I saw a small green hill with just one tree on it. I happily walk up the hill and lied down on my back under the tree looking up at the sky.
You mean looking up at the leaves.
Or has it been winter this whole time and you’re just wandering around without a shirt because you’re that much of a fucking edgelord.
Luna did the same and lied down beside me.
“You haven’t finished telling me about you. You are missing a thousand year!”
“We…I do not want to tell you.” She said sadly.
“I do not want for you to judge me for what I have done.” She said tears starting to form in her eyes.
“I do not judge somepony for what they have done but they will do. We all have done bad things in our past.” I said to her with a calm smile.
“You know, like rubbing off random unicorns in public!
Or was that just me?”
I’m saving my ire for later, you just know it’s gotta get worse than this.
Luna was now sitting on her rump looking in my eyes. I did the same but I grabbed one of her fore hooves with both of my hand as I looked back in her beautiful Sapphire eyes.
“You shouldn’t fear your past but cherish it, learn from it. You cannot change the past but you can use it to do a better future.” I said calmly.
I don’t think ‘cherish’ is what should be done with the memories of fragging one’s own sister, leveling a castle, and attempting (twice!) to conquer Ponykind and plunge the world into eternal night.
She looked at me with teary eyes not knowing what to say.
Yeah I’d be pretty speechless, too.
So I decided to do something quite risky. I pulled her hoof bringing her close to me to hug her transferring as much love that I can.
Bad Touch Counter: 17
Loser Martin can transfer love?
He didn’t specify how much. It was 0.
Still, best not let him get anywhere near the Changelings…
Oh God dammit.
After about thirty seconds, she decided to hug me back. “Thank you!” she whispered in my ear.
“For helping me more in two hour than anypony else in a thousand years.”
…technically not a false statement, but I’d like to counter that practically anything is better psychotherapy than a millennia of banishment.
He should put it on his business cards! “Loser Martin, MD, PhD: Better psychotherapy than a millennium of banishment.”
She broke the hug and kissed me on the cheek.
Bad Touch Counter: 18
Now the counter is finally old enough to legally read this ‘fic!
“I am sorry but I have to go, do you walk like this every night?” I nodded. “I hope you don’t mind that I join you in your walks.”
“It’s not as though we, the Princess of the Night, have any royal duties which require our involvement… at night…”
With all this monster-fighting, maybe this guy could end up caught in the crossfire?
I wasn’t asking you!
She smiled. “I will find a way to repay you. I promise.”
And then she teleported away; leaving me alone under the tree on the hill. I was retracing my memories of today then suddenly a thought pop in my head. ‘Could the ponies thing of me of being good looking?’. I am just an over intelligent bald ape surrounded by magical ponies.
I wouldn’t put too much stock in the “intelligent” part.
I thought of all the most arousing moment of the day.
Please don’t share please DON’T share…
First Lyra’s handjob; she was more into my hands then me.
… Predictable, really.
Pinkie’s kiss; she must of been pushed by the aphrodisiac. The industrial amount of hugs that I gave to all the ponies; I do have a very warm skin especially when I drink.
So this guy can’t hold his liquor… noted.
Although he does say ‘a’ warm skin… is the warm skin not his own?
And Luna’s kiss; she must be thanking me for the psychological help.
Nope, there’s already a psychologist in town. And her rates are much less squicky.
I decided to get up and go to Twi’s house for a good night’s sleep.
I knocked at the door. Twi opened it with her magic. The first thing that I realized is that she was wearing sock.
Well, remember, the Stu is wearing pant.
They were the same colore as the band on her hair. It gave her a little naughty look.
Ugh, pony socks are a fad that should have died back in, well, 2012.
The sock gave her a naughty look?
Are we going to have to call in the SCP Foundation again?
“Twi, I have a question for you and please be honest.” I asked
“Am I good looking for your race?”
“No, you look like a freakishly deformed monkey; your lack of a cutie mark sets my survival instincts on edge; your upright stance and arms give me PTSD from fighting Tirek…”
“… And until recently you wore a shirt with a giant dick on it.”
She blushed at my question.”Well at my eyes, you are quite attractive.”
… Actually, now that it’s brought up, we never learned what the fuck Loser Martin looks like to begin with!
He could be attractive just because he actually resembles a bug-eyed horse!
“And for the others?”
“Pinkie and fluttershy do share my opinion. For the others I do not know.”
I stretch my arms and yawned. “Can we go to sleep?
Well this conversation just switched gears like a mack truck with a busted clutch.
*whap whap whap*
Go back to the Creepypasta special where you belong!
This was one exhausting day.”
“Of course follow me.” She said as she trotted up stairs.
We were on both side of the bed preparing for a good night’s sleep.
Because apparently Twilight’s been fucking around with bilocation spells again.
I was removing my clothes to be in my boxers. I saw Twi blush as she watch me striping.
To quote the show: “Beg pardon… but, uh, we don’t normally wear clothes”
Although to be fair he was striping and not stripping, so maybe Twilight just has a thing for zebras?
“Twi! Just a simple warning. My body release a very large amount of heat while I sleep. I hope that do not disturb you?”
“No! Why should it disturb me?”
It really shouldn’t, horses run at a higher body temp than humans.
I dunno, I sure find this ‘fic disturbing…
“Don’t know.” I said while climbing in the bed.
None of us know. ‘Why’ is a constant question here.
Twi did the same.
“I wonder what you taste like.” Twi whispered to herself.
Twilight, you’ve been spending too much time with Pinkie Pie. Autophagy is bad.
I looked back at her with a devilish smile. “Are you jealous of pinkie kissing me?”
Her blush deepened.”Well I never actually kissed a colt before, but I wouldn’t mind to…”
After kissing the thing in your bed, you still won’t have kissed a colt.
I interrupted her as I brought my face against hers. I licked her lips asking passage which she gladly opened.
Bad Touch Counter: 19
As I licked and explored her mouth she moaned in mine. We stood like this
Wait, aren’t you in bed? Are you just standing on Twilight’s mattress?
for about one minute before breaking the kiss, leaving her breathless.
Again, horses have prehensile lips. If that kiss was going to leave anyone breathless, it’d be the human and his mundane mouthparts.
“So what do I taste like?”
“Cheetos and despair.”
“Good!” Twi panted.
“Now I need some rest. I got a big day tomorrow.”
What exactly do you have planned, Loser? You’re a guest in a foreign land without a bit to your name, crashing at a stranger’s house for the night.
I had a hard time falling asleep with everything that happened that day. ’So I’m physically attractive to the eyes of some ponies.’ I thought to myself.’ This will be fun’.
Suddenly I felt something fall on my chest and my waist. It was a sleeping Twilight cuddling me; searching for heat.
Ok, seriously, what’s with this whole ‘heat’ thing? Are ponies secretly ectothermic?
This wouldn’t even make sense for normal horses; Twilight’s temperament puts her in the hot-blooded horse group. A pony like Applejack or Big Mac might be classified as a cold-blooded breed, but this… just makes no sense on any level.
Also, Bad Touch Counter: 20
I wasn’t the type to refuse some affection,
Believe me, we know.
so I let her hug me as much as she wanted. Then I felt something warm and gooey on the side of my waist. I looked at Twi in disbelieve; she was drooling. She was having a dirty dream and she is using me to rub herself.
Dammit, fic, now you’ve ruined this scene of tender affection by sexualizing *heat*! But… it’s not as bad as it could be. Warm and gooey stuff in this setting could range from spit to hornjaculate, right?
Give it a minute.
I rubbed my eyes not believing what was happening. I didn’t stop her because the way that she rubbed herself on me felt good.
Looks like someone went to the Brock Turner School of Romantic Literature.
The thoughts of her little slit rubbing against my wait made me drool a bit.
God fucking dammit. I was fearing this. Adding ‘assets’ to the assetless. This is not gonna be pleasant.
I shook my head removing the sexy ideas in my head
And writing them on fimfiction.net for the world to see.
but the inevitable was already happened. I was hard.
I closed my eyes trying to fall asleep before I lose control of my body. And surprisingly it worked. I manage to get some sleep beside a horny pony.
I found myself in a dark room with another pony in front of me. She was tall as a small horse and she was pearl white alicorn. Her mane and tail had bands of rose, purple, green and blue.
“Hum… Hello?”I said. “And who are you?” I continued.
I saw her horn lid up in a bright yellow. My entire body was soon covered in the same aura, forcing me to kneel. I fought back with all my force; refusing to dominate against my will.
WHAT? This is obviously Celestia, but, WHAT?
Wait, this is from the Princess Molestia era of characterization. Damn.
I manage to break free from her spell.
Which, it should be noted, is strong enough to move the sun.
How is she even interacting with his dreams? Several major plotpoints hinge on dreams being Luna’s domain. Stop stealing from Luna, Cele- I mean doomboom1234!
This does make me wonder if Princess Luna is also able to observe her subjects’ sexual fantasies.
Another time, another fic. (But almost definitely.)
If so, that explains why she had the mental fortitude to survive a thousand years on the moon. Girl’s already seen some shit.
I got up exhausted from fighting back. Then something most unexpected happened. The pearl white alicorn jumped in my arms hugging me.
*SIGH*… here we go again…
Bad Touch Counter: 22
I was thrown back from the sudden bust of affection.
Didn’t know Celestia made her dream self that well-endowed.
I thought that I would land on my back, but I didn’t I was now free falling with her hugging me with love.
Then I woke up.
I am so sorry for the lack of updates. I’ve been so busy lately that I hardly have any time for myself. But when I do I use it for you guys, please leave a comment it only encourage me to continue.
Chapter Eight is called “the new job”… which I really hope isn’t another hornjob.
I rubbed my eyes from being waked up so brutally. ‘What could that dream means’ I thought to myself.
“And can Stu haz cheezborgir?”
As my senses began to reappear; I felt some pressure on my chest. It was Twi who was now me as a pillow
But how can Twilight Sparkle be Loser Martin as a pillow when Diamonds Droog is too busy being Clubs Deuce?!
as she continued to cuddle me. She had the most adorable face and I couldn’t resist petting her mane.
Bad Touch Counter: 23
My action slowly woke her up as I saw her eyes opening.
“Morning sleepy head!” I calmly whispered in her ear
“Morning” she said half asleep.
Her eyes shot open when she realized that she was hugging me. She moved away sitting on her rump on her bed with a red face looking at me.
Her regular, purple face was off doing its own thing.
The overall effect was rather disquieting.
“I am so sorry!” she apologised.
“For using you.”
My left eye brow lifted at her answer.” What do you mean?”
“Well… our specie is always searching for heat and the fact that your body realise a gargantuan amount of heat I…I couldn’t resist but to feel your heat all over me.”
This is starting to annoy me; ponies are warmer than us, he’d actually be a heat sink. Even if he got absolutely sloshed and was venting heat at a terminal rate, he’d be colder than her base-line body temp DOES NO ONE BOTHER LOOKING UP BASIC FACTS ANYMORE?!?
Even if by some freak of Equestrian biology ponies were much cooler than humans, that doesn’t justify sapient beings rubbing themselves all over him every chance they get.
Her face was now crimson.
I looked at her blushing face, tears started to roll down her cheeks.
“Please don’t hate me for this.” She cried
Jumping back to calm, sane, rational analysis; does the human hate the cat for sleeping on him? No. Calm your inevitable crotchtits, Twilight.
Well, does the cat use him as a sex toy?
Only if they haven’t been fixed.
This story needs to be fixed, then.
Looking at her like this broke my heart. I did the first thing that came in my head;
So, Lyra again?
I trough my arms around her and hugged her tightly.
Bad Touch Counter: 24
“I don’t mind it Twi. I like any kind of affection that I can get. That meaning that I like to cuddle during the night.”
She hugged me back. “I feels good to hear that.”
The lolcat speak is strong in this chapter.
We embraced each other for a few minutes before getting of the bed. I Twi saw a large wet spot on the right side of my waist.
“What is that?” She asked.
“Let’s just say that your movement depends of your dream.” I said teasingly.
Her covered her mouth as she realized what was the wet spot was made of.” I am so sorry.” She said. Her whole body seemed to be blushing.
“It’s not your fault Twi. You told me that ponies are always searching for heat and the heat of my body must have provoked a dirty dream.
Because that’s totally how that works.
Also, one would imagine this would complicate his -gags- relationship with Luna.
Now, where is the bathroom; I need a shower.”
So do I.
She pointed where the bathroom is. I went en took a shower with Twi’s shampoo and shower gel.
“Hm… For a luscious mane and luxurious coat…”
I wonder if they have such a thing as horn growth creams?
Probably some form of waxy sealant or polish. Like finger nail lacquer.
When I got out I felt my skin unusually softer. I got dress
Stop rummaging through Twilight’s clothes.
(this time with the black t-shirt). As I when down stairs I saw Twi and Rarity holding magically a muffin and a glass of milk.
“Hurry up and eat this we have to go to the hoofacure early in the morning.” Rarity said while she moved the floating food towards me.
Umm… why? Was the only appointment available the one at six AM?
Oh ho ho, I want to see this! Finger and toe nails may be chemically similar to hooves, but if the spa sisters go at him with the files and chisels we’ve seen on the show, this is gonna turn into a whole different kinda fic.
Sadly, I don’t think we’ll get that onto the Bad Touch Counter.
I ate the muffin and drank the milk as fast as I can too not make Rarity wait too much. Me and Rarity walk out of Twi’s house waving goodbye. As we walked towards the bridle gossip
The… what? Is that what he thinks the spa is called?
I… think so?
The Ponyville Day Spa first was seen in the episode Bridle Gossip, but that isn’t its name.
I realized that Rarity was slightly blushing.
“Why are you blushing, Rarity?”
“Oh! Nothing, darling! I just got a few thought.
Rarity is too much of a lady to call attention to the giant wet spot on the Stu’s pants.
Look we are here”
We both entered the hoofacure
For whatever reason, I am imagining ‘hoofacure’ with that spelling being a pony word for ‘apothecary’.
and ended up in the waiting room. Rarity went to the small coffee table and taped on a small bell.
Rarity, don’t deface private property, please.
A blue earth pony with pink mane entered the room.
“Welcome to the bridle gossip how can I help y…” she was mesmerized from the simple fact that I was in there spa.
“Do…Do you want something, Louis, anything?” it seems that she was at the party last night.
“Actually. Yes. I would like a job.” I calmly said
Her eyes shot open. She couldn’t believe what was happening.
I didn’t think the spa was that strapped for employees.
Actually, this makes perfect sense- an eldritch abomination just walked into her business and tried to apply for a job. I wouldn’t believe it either.
“ALOE!” she yelled while staring at me. “WE HAVE A SPECIAL VISITOR.”
The author knows their names. The spa sisters’ names were only available through supplementary material at the time this fic was written, so how did he botch the spa’s name?
Simple. He can’t fuck the spa.
Another earth pony entered the room. She looked exactly like the first one but the colors of her mane and body where inverted (pink body, blue mane).
“It’s the first time that you have difficulty with a new custum…” she stopped as she saw me.
“He is here for a job, aloe.”
The two spa pony stared at me. I blushed not knowing what to do.
“Lotus, Aloe, is it so hard to believe that Louis, here, desire a job here at the spa?” Rarity said to break the awkward silence. They both nodded
I am reminded of another ‘fic we looked at where, thanks to double negatives and the author forgetting what the fuck he was doing, Princess Celestia swore on her honor as a princess that none of the ponies who followed the Gary Stu would be safe from persecution by her and her forces.
I finally got tire of waiting
The Tire of Waiting was one of Clover the Clever’s more… baffling magic items.
An answer to Starswirl the Bearded’s time-reversal spell, this item transfers its user forward in time. At a rate of one-second-per-second.
and decided to prove my worth.
“How about I prove my talent by making one of you two a very special ‘hand’ massages.” I said while raising a hand.
“Back on earth, we call these ‘hand-jobs’, ‘handies’, or ‘old-fashions’”
They nodded at my offering as they turned around. “P…Please follow us.”
Me and Rarity followed the earth ponies into a very large room. There were a large wooden tub in the middle of the room and massage tables surrounding it. We all stopped at the first massage table.
“Now who will be first?” I asked while rubbing my hands together.
Lotus and aloe looked at each other then looked back at me. “Your choice.” They both said at the same time.
I know about these types of questions. My EX use to give me them all the time.
Your ex made you choose between her and her sister?
No wonder she’s your ex.
“I choose to go head or tails.” I said happily as I grabbed a nickel in my pocket.
You should probably choose different terminology for your random number generator, given that you are offering a number of equines sexual favors.
In exchange for a job.
I pointed the blue pony and said “heads”. Then I pointed the pink pony and said “tails”. I flipped the coin in the air and it landed heads.
“Now, Lotus is that right?” the blue pony nodded. “It seems that luck is with you. Please get on the massage table so that we can get started. And Aloe can you bring me a bowl of very hot water please?”
Lotus climed the massage table as Aloe ran of the go get what I demanded. When she came back I have already taken of my shirt to be more confortable.
Bow chicka bow wow.
“Now where I come from this is a special technick that I like to call ‘smoking grip’.”
That does not sound like something intelligent beings would want done to their privates.
I said as Aloe putted the bowl of hot water close to me.
With no warning I plugered my hands in the very hot water
for as long as I can removing them to let them cool the pain. I did this about seven times, letting my hands in the hot water longer each time that I did. When I remouved my hands from the water for the last time, my hands where now smoking.
Congratulations, sir, you just royally fucked up your hands.
That is not how water works. Your hands may be steaming, but that isn’t smoke, numbnuts.
The mouth of the three ponies in the room dropped in amaze. I even saw Lotus drool a bit.
“Oooh, Steamed hand, my favorite”
“Third degree burns… sooo sexayyyy…:”
I smiled at the pony on the massage table.” Are you ready for the massage designed for gods?” I said tauntingly.
As usual, I thank you all for your support. Please leave a comment I adore reading them
I wish we could say the same about your story.
Do any of the other Mane 6 ever show up again?
… Rarity and Pinkie do, but even they abscond the fuck out of here pretty quickly.
RUN PINKIE! PRONK AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
Run from the ‘fic before it molests you too!