1739: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Nineteen, Part TwoPosted: April 19, 2017
Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza
Hey, patrons! Welcome back to the second half of what I’m calling ‘the nose-dive chapter.’
“It really is obvious that Igor has completely run out of ideas.”
Not only that, he’s totally run out of fucks to give. That means we’re in store for the total burn out. There will be a large burst of activity in terms of a few chapters that get posted in a short amount of time as Igor tries to rally some interest in the project, and then the dwindle to nothingness.
Naw, nothing new was served up in the first half. All we got was a bunch of irrelevant dialogue that I assume was supposed to be character building, and a discussion from the Buffy crew that we’ve basically seen a few times before.
Right, almost forgot, Spike is being called in as a maid. I guess that’s the summary for the last chapter. Spike in a maid outfit.
Xander knew a lot about Salix Tech. A lot, a lot.
“Funny that this didn’t come up in the last conversation where they decided they needed to learn more about Salix. I’m sure it wasn’t relevant at the time!”
He had been a big fan since they partnered with Google to work on self-driving car technology, and was currently following their Facebook and Twitter pages.
Here it comes! An entire scene dedicated to wanking off Sue Co. I warned you all that it was coming.
Their homepage was bookmarked on his browser, and he checked it daily for new announcements.
He also thinks about them in the bathroom when he’s oiling the snake.
“The snake isn’t that squeaky. Why does he spend so much time oiling it?”
Had he found out about Willow’s involvement tomorrow, this new line of products, this news of artificial intelligence in his time, would have excited him immensely.
“That is definitely not how you grammar.”
I had to read that sentence like four times in order to sorta figure out what Igor was trying to say. I’m still not confident that I’ve actually figured it out.
Now, though, it filled his veins with liquid argon.
Which immediately expanded into gas, causing his entire circulatory system to inflate and burst.
“This is probably another thing we should never tell Crunchy about.”
The homepage’s purple and silver colour scheme looked cold and foreboding instead of welcoming and exciting like it once had.
Geh, that sounds like a horrible color scheme for a webpage. I wouldn’t call it foreboding, just gaudy.
The name CAIN was tainted, representative of a fatal creation that would be a slave to his worst enemy.
Proving once again that Igor is very not good at subtle foreshadowing.
“So bad, in fact, that even his characters noticed!”
If he was given the power to end the whole thing here and now, he would press the button without hesitation.
‘The whole thing?’ What, the website? Dude, just because the website is ugly, doesn’t mean you need to destroy it. A quick palatte swap might be all it needs.
Of course, such wishful thinking wouldn’t get him anywhere.
“If only! If only this hideous website were gone forever!”
You dreamer, you.
He would have to use this knowledge to gain an eventual advantage, then wait for the right moment to release their damning information to the public and watch the establishment come crashing down– metaphorically.
“What is it?”
“But what about?”
“And it’s dangerous?”
Dangerous enough to metaphorically collapse a website.
He almost felt like he’d been betrayed. Salix Tech was a great company!
This is like when you find out the NSync didn’t write all of their music.
Social justice-y, great reputation, free from scandal and whistleblowing!
Which right away should have been a warning sign.
Who knows, maybe it still was!
Suddenly he remembers that they don’t have any proof that Salix is related to Willow. Probably forgot because he realizes it’s a foregone conclusion.
Just because… she was there– that didn’t mean it was all bad.
He shook himself mentally. Just because it wasn’t all bad didn’t mean that she hadn’t corrupted it to work for her purposes, which were undoubtedly going to be bad for the world if they ever came to fruition.
“You had mentioned a foregone conclusion.”
Proving the link is mostly a formality at this point. This fic isn’t smart enough for it to turn out that the two Salix are completely unrelated.
He had to stop her.
“Installing a comfortable chair in her board room would be a good start.”
But he fervently hoped he could save the company he had come to love. He really, really hoped.
And if that doesn’t pan out, there’s always a boombox in the rain.
If you wanna play hide-‘n-seek with love, let me re-mind you… (y00oou’r3 4aal-r1gh7…)
“Can I ask you something, Elsa?” Willow said, leaning on the piano as she frowned thoughtfully at the player.
Please don’t. There’s enough padding in this thing already.
“How would you feel about going down south for a small task?”
*Porno music blasts over the intercom system*
That wasn’t an innuendo!
Elsa’s music didn’t falter, but she looked up at the question with some apprehension. “A task? What sort of task?”
*Porno music intensifies*
Willow bit her lip as she considered how to phrase it. “It would be… delivering a warning. The person you’d be delivering it to is… unpleasant, and he’s a potential threat. I need you to ward him off.”
“Oh, she’s talking about Spike! How does she know he’s even involved?”
She has one of those direct lines to the plot.
Elsa’s apprehension only grew. “Why me?”
Because otherwise Willow would have to do it, and you know how that would go.
Willow began drumming her fingers to the beat, erratically. “Because I want to help you shake off some of that fear you still have.
“Plus that comfy chair isn’t going to sit in itself!”
He’s not more powerful than you, not by a long shot, but he can… get under your skin.
Eh, Spike is mostly just an obnoxious ass. You’re thinking of Angelus. That dude is the original mind fuck.
Doesn’t help that he’s a vampire.
I have no idea what that has to do with him being able to push people’s buttons, but okay, it is true that he’s a vampire.
He’s not the kind of guy you like to meet in a dark alley.
“He might take the opportunity to propose to you!”
Unfortunately, that’s where you’ll be finding him.”
You would think by now he’d stop hanging out in random alleyways.
“Poor guy. Forever a random encounter.”
Elsa considered it. “…It doesn’t sound like fun… but it doesn’t sound impossible. I guess it’s a good experience.”
Calling it now, it’ll be all bland talking without anything happening.
Willow’s face brightened a little. “So you’ll do it?”
Somebody has to do things around here!
“Off page, so that everyone can talk about it later.”
Sadly, this is also true.
“Yes,” Elsa agreed, ending her song. “How soon do I leave?”
“It’s a long drive,” Willow admitted. “You should get going after lunch.”
“Alright then,” Elsa nodded.
“Where is he anyway?”
You know, over in that sorta direction.
“You didn’t point anywhere.”
Sweet crap, already!?
And I’m bringing you a love that’s true, so get ready /
And I’m gonna try to make you love me too, so get ready /
Get rea-dy, here I come!
The night was dark, but the streetlights lit his way down the dirty sidewalk, past the Bronze and through the shopping district.
“Wandering through Sunnydale after dark? Especially near the Bronze? Somebody is going to get eaten.”
It was still a bit odd to see these streets back in their old spot, when he was told they collapsed into a crater formed by the Hellmouth’s destruction– which was technically his fault, but he didn’t mind that.
I am still baffled that authors insist on pointing out the parts of their stories that are stupid and don’t make sense. You know that only worked for MST3K because the plot didn’t actually matter, right?
It was actually pretty damn cool that he did that!
Who else could claim that mantel, hmm?
“I’ll go ahead and add ‘mantel’ to the list.”
Yup, not even close to what it means.
He grabbed his lighter and a cigarette from his pocket. He lit the flame, cupping it in front of his hand and lighting the cigarette, relishing the taste of the tobacco as he pocketed the lighter.
And that, right there, is more scene setting than the rest of the fic in its entirety. A tad over-elaborate for lighting a cigarette, but sweet crap, where was this description the rest of the fic!?
As he looked up, he was suddenly greeted by the sight of a woman in a leather coat and ice-green shirt coming straight at him.
*A quick Google later*
It apparently is a color. Looks almost exactly like sea-foam green, but with a different name.
Before he could react, she grabbed him and pressed him against the wall, face too poorly-lit to identify.
Spike needs an adult!
“He is an adult.”
Spike needs a better adult!
When he tried to fight her off, her hands suddenly became painfully cold, frost appearing on his arm and chest.
“Which, as a vampire, he’d barely be bothered by.”
Shh. Facts and logic hold no sway over the fic.
“You must be Spike,” the woman hissed. “What a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”
“I don’t think she’s being honest about how much of a pleasure it is.”
“Who the hell are you?” he grunted as he tried again to escape, again to no avail.
Oh shit, dude, she’s being powered by plot!
“Nobody you want to cross right now,” she replied threateningly, “unless you want to feel what it’s like to be impaled on an icicle.”
Get it, because his name is Spike!
“Quick! Ice puns!”
Icee what she did there.
“Her threats made his blood run cold.”
“Oh– you must be that Ice Queen bitch I’ve heard so much about!” he realised. “How’s the sun treatin’ you lately, love?”
“It’s nice to know he’s concerned about potential vitamin D deficiency.”
I don’t think he’s being sincere.
“But, but, vitamin D!”
He felt something stab him in the heart, and he screamed through his teeth in shock and pain, crushing the end of his cigarette.
“Spike should be pretty used to this. He gets impaled on a lot of things.”
“The next time you say something like that, it’ll be a stake,” she warned him. “Now, listen very closely: stay away from the Slayer, do you understand? If I hear anything about you meeting her, calling her, even breathing in the same room as her, I will personally kill you, are we clear?”
“Somebody should probably have told Elsa that the best way to get Spike to do something, is to threaten him and tell him not to do it.”
Yeah, now Spike will prance around the slayer out of pure spite.
Spike laughed once. “The Slayer? I haven’t heard a word from her in ten years! Even if I had, what makes you think I’d be meeting her?”
It’s weird to see Igor writing Spike in character when he’s completely whiffed on all the other characters.
“He’s fifty-fifty on Olaf.”
True, as long as Igor doesn’t try to go all pointlessly grimdark, his Olaf is fairly close.
“You have a history together,” the woman told him.
“Even if the Slayer hadn’t called him. Now he’d totally go for a visit.”
Yeah, Willow is very not good at Spike. This gambit was pretty much the best way to guarantee he actually joins up with Buffy.
“Fair enough,” he admitted. “But I haven’t seen or spoken to her in a long time. I’ll be sure to keep it that way. Now could you please take your bloody icicle out of my chest?”
She obliged, eliciting another growl of pain from him in the process. She looked at it, and Spike thought he caught a glimpse of a smile. “Quite literally a bloody icicle,” she remarked. “Stay away from the Slayer.”
“Have to say, it was ice to meet you!”
These puns are leaving me cold. And that’s snow joke.
And she continued on down the sidewalk.
“‘Til the very next day bam bam bam bam bada bam ”
I’m rescinding your Youtube access.
Spike covered the hole with his left hand.
*Porno music blasts confusedly over the intercom*
Good try, guys, but even as innuendo it’s sending a mixed message.
“Well that was a bloody trip,” he growled, resuming his course. “This better be worth it.”
Poor guy doesn’t realize what fic he’s in.
G3T R34DY, ‘CAUS3 H3R3 1 C0M3, Y0U B3T73R /
G3T R34DY, ‘CAUS3 H3R3 1 C0M3, Y0U B3T73R /
G3T R34DY, ‘CAUS3 H3R3 1 C0M3, Y0U B3T73R /
G3T R34DY, ‘CAUS3 H3R3 1 C0M3, Y0U B3T73R–
No. Seriously. Stop.
“It’s the author’s notes.”
I say again: the heck?
And that’s it. That’s the chapter. The only thing that happened in it was Spike’s very brief appearance, and his involvement was eclipsed by more than double the amount of literature discussion and emotion pandering. Congratulations, Igor, you almost, ALMOST had a chapter with something in it, but then you buried it under more of the mindless, unimportant bullshit you kept pumping into this thing.
“Are you sure this wouldn’t have made a good TV show?”
Somewhere the writers of TGIF are feeling that sick burn.
“That’s it for now!”
Until next week! Where we *reads down* get lots and lots and lots of dialogue.
“Well you did say Igor was going into the final huzzah stage.”
Boy is he ever. So much fucking padding.