1735: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Fourteen, Part Four

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
Url: Chapter Fourteen
Critiqued by SC, Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth

Hello, and welcome back to, “Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors,” by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, joined by Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, and last time, we saw the villains being all villainously scheming and shit, then promptly went back to Idiot One and Idiot Two for some stupid anime trope times that ended with me being legit pissed because Stone-Man85 is slowly but surely murdering all the things that made my childhood wonderful.

What do you think, that about cover everything of interest?

Paulo: More or less.

Scarlet: You forgot about my book.

Oh, right, and Scarlet’s writing a book.

Now, with that out of the way, let’s hurry up and finish this shitstain chapter so that we can move on to the next one. If this is anything like the last three parts, it’ll end up being a very short entry because most of the crap will get cut out.

Back with Alex

Scarlet: I thought you said we were cutting the crap out?

Well, I do intend to, but this first bit I’ll keep in, at least. I figure, since we focused on the stupid anime trope last chapter rather than just redacting it and pretending it didn’t exist, we may as well finish what we started.

“Why did she have to go and do that?” Alex thought to himself out loud as he sat cross legged on a grassy outcropping that stuck out over the water, looking at the scenery that lay in front of him, “I’m surprised my nose didn’t start bleeding right there on the spot! Now that would have been embarrassing.”

*SC procures a fishing rod and casts it out into the hall, reeling Doc in seconds later*

Doc: Can you ever just, you know, fucking ask for my help?

Hey, so, care to explain what the relation between nosebleeds and sexual impulses is?

Doc: Oh, for fuck’s sake, of all the things you choose to drag me in here for… fine. Yes, sexual arousal does increase blood pressure, but the idea that it does so to the point of blood exploding out of someone’s nose like anime so enjoys portraying it is as laughable as it would be fatal. The medical name for nosebleeds is epistaxis, and though the name is literally Greek for “nosebleed,” it’s not strictly related to blood coming from the nose. You could get a bleed that goes up through the nasolacrimal duct and out your fucking eyes, or it could go the other direction and hit your stomach, which is a wonderful nausea inducer, I might add. If you got so amped up from sexual stimulants that you started bleeding internally, there’s a not insignificant chance that you’ll end up looking like the standard horror movie victim who the haunting presence decided to be particularly vindictive to. And besides that, among the known causes of nosebleeds, exactly zero of them are at all related to sexual activity. This isn’t to say that you couldn’t induce a nosebleed from being aroused if, say, you have some kind of deficiency where your nose just happens to bleed easily and the increased blood pressure is just the nudge it needs to get started, or you have an allergy to in-air pollutants and the arousal gets you breathing hard enough to cause a massive irritant in the nasal cavity, something like that. Hell, I could even possibly vouch for a dry nasal passage leading to a burst capillary when arousal gets the blood flowing. But you getting your jollies, and it causing a nosebleed, without those kinds of preexisting stipulations, is utter bullshit.

Thanks, Doc!

*SC scoops Doc up in a net and tosses him back out into the hall*

Doc: I swear to God, you motherfucker!

So, there you go, nosebleeds don’t happen because you saw someone naked. Not without some other factors being at play, that is. Alex is a dumbshit.

He sighed as he leaned back and sighed, “I guess I can’t really blame her, though. She was raised by wolves, after all.”

Scarlet: The fact that she’s even predisposed to wearing clothing should be the unusual part, one would think.

Yeah, I feel like I actually went over that earlier in the riff. Something about how San is kind of not the best example of a girl raised in the wilderness because she takes time to look good, I think it was? I mean, you sent your own kids out to survive in the woods as a test of how badly they could screw it up, and one came back looking like absolute shit.

Scarlet: Well, he and a couple of his younger brothers. The other three almost looked more pampered coming home than they did when I first sent them out.

He sighed again as he looked up at the tree he was sitting under, ‘Oh well, what’s done is done, I guess. No use crying over the fact that I completely screwed a perfect opportunity to see one of the hottest chicks I’ve ever met bare naked, making an ass of myself in the process.

Paulo: …So, precisely when do we begin cutting away the gristle on this rotten chunk of word-meat?

I know, I know, it’s painful for me too, but this part isn’t that long, so just bear with it.

He lowered the painting and cocked an eyebrow at what he just thought, “Where did THAT come from?”he thought to himself aloud, grabbing his head as he started shaking it. ‘Great! Now I’m becoming a complete pervert!

“Becoming.”

Now I’m gonna go ahead and start cutting the fat, because the next paragraph is just Alex going back and forth between being repulsed by, and losing himself to his own imagination, much like how Gollum constantly flip-flops between himself and Smeagol.

With an aggravated sigh, Alex pulled his jacket off and tied it around his waist once more. He then sat down and scowled at himself, crossing his arms as his mind scowled at what he had just thought. ‘Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Scarlet: What’s difficult about choosing not to be a degenerate lecher?

He laid down on his back, until he felt and heard the sound of paper being crunched. He sat right up as he heard the sound coming from him. “Huh? What the…?” He dug into his jacket pockets, and felt something. He pulled whatever it was out, and was amazed at what he saw. It was a comic book that he had long stuffed in his jacket pocket.

How huge are his pockets, that he can stuff a whole comic book in them without remembering that it’s there for several days? I assume we all know how big comic books are, right?

It was entitled, The Incredible Hulk.

Of course it was. Because Alex and Bruce both have stupid-awesome superpowers that neither of them wanted, really have any control over, or particularly enjoy using. They’re basically the same person, save for the fact that I actually like Bruce.

“Whoa!” Alex smirked to himself,

Scarlet: Why is the floor shaking?

Paulo: Did I just hear a sheep?

The gong cometh.

Scarlet: What is he on about?

“I completely forgot I brought this with me when I left the house. Still in one piece too.”

Wait, didn’t his jacket get washed while he was in Irontown? How is that comic book still intact?

He was suddenly torn from his thoughts and his discovery by something slimy landing on his chest. Quickly dropping the comic his eyes and catching the object, the teenaged boy found himself looking at a freshly caught fish that was still twitching.

“You’re wide open for an attack” said San, now fully clothed, but had her headband off as she dried her hair and moved towards a very started Alex and crouched beside him. “Had that fish been a dagger, you’d be dead right now.”

Wishful fucking thinking…

Cutting another chunk out here, because this immediately becomes, “I heard you were hungry, so I brought you a fish.” “But I don’t want the fish.” “Eat the fucking fish.” “I don’t wanna eat the fish!” “Fine, I’ll eat the fucking fish!” And then she does, and it weirds Alex out.

She grinned inwardly at the sight of Alex’s nauseated expression.

Paulo: I cannot help but imagine that she is making the sort of grimace one does after eating something sour.

It kinda reads like that, huh?

But then something else caught her eye. Setting the remains of the fish aside, the young wolf girl reached over and picked up the comic that Alex had set aside. “What’s this?” she asked as her large, chestnut eyes gazed at the beautifully amazingly detailed images within the pages, the irritation and hostility gone from her voice.

I mean, it’s okay, I guess, but it ain’t no Botticelli.

She then looked up at Alex, and asked, “Did you make this?”

Don’t insult Marvel like that, you whore.

Alex shook his head, ” Nah, a man named Stan Lee came up with that. It’s called a comic book, San.”

“A comic book,” San repeated. “It looks so real…and yet so imagined.”

Comic books are not the Matrix, San.

Oh, son of a-!

She returned her gaze to Alex, “Are other humans capable of doing this?”

“Many, many more,” Alex answered, “Just not that many where I come from. But most of them are pretty famous; their stories are read by nearly everyone where I come from.”

And then there are the ones who wind up subjected to Linkara’s brand of humor, i.e., “this comic sucks and I’m going to relish in its mockery.”

Paulo: Do you have any idea what he is saying?

Scarlet: I’m sure I do in one of the alternate realities I exist in.

San looked at the pages, and stopped as she gazed at the strange human detailed on the pages. The human that she was looking at was what appeared to be the largest one she had ever seen in her life. He was as big as a giant, with muscles that would have made him impossible to move around, and his skin, hair, and eyes were the unnatural color of green.

That has to be the single worst description of The Hulk I’ve ever read.

She looked puzzled at this as she pointed to him, and looked to Alex for the answer. “Who is this?” San asked politely as she could, “What sort of human is this?”
Alex looked to where San pointed at, and smirked as he answered, “Oh, that’s the Incredible Hulk.”
“The Hulk?” San asked, now more intrigued in this more than ever.

Oh, by the way, just to let you folks know, this is something that comes up on this fic’s TV Tropes page. It’s listed under “Foreshadowing,” and details an upcoming fight between Alex and Takemaru that, according to the author, plays out similarly to a fight between Hulk and Abomination. No, I don’t care that I’m spoiling it, because we all know it’s going to be garbage anyhow, there’s no point keeping it a secret.

“He’s basically the most powerful superhero in the fictional world of Marvel Comics.”

Bruce? The “most powerful” Marvel hero?

Let us remember for a moment that this is the same Bruce Banner who got his shit rocked by Actual Fucking God Thor, and the two of them came away virtually unharmed, more or less. If he was “the most powerful Marvel hero,” Thor would have gotten the same level of shit-slamming that his poor brother Loki received:

Not to mention, stepping away from Avengers canon here, there is also a little mutant boy named Franklin Richards. What’s that? Name’s not familiar? Oh, that’s fine, he only has enough power to create his own fucking galaxies on a whim. You know, he was only strong enough to bitch-slap most of the major villains he had to deal with before he got to high school. And he fits Bruce’s mold of, “not necessarily in control of his own powers,” to boot.

Tl;dr: Suck it, Trebek.

Paulo: …But his name is Killian.

I know what I said.

Alex then decided to explain the story, seeing San was being drawn into this.

And we’re not going to read it, because if anybody here really doesn’t know the Hulk’s deal, you’d be better served looking it up on a wiki somewhere than reading Stone-Man85’s crappy, plot regurgitating rendition.

Skip!

This caught San’s interest as she asked, “But why would humans fear their hero?”

“Because people, or humans, are always afraid of something that’s just different than them.” Alex pointed out.

Skip the next bit, because Alex decides to try and talk about human nature – because he’s so well-studied on that topic, right?

San looked at the Hulk and thought out loud, “I wonder what it’s like to become something else other than a human.”

Scarlet: Well, I don’t know if it counts, but I’m dead in one reality, alive and well in several others, and hold various positions of power, to boot, so I suppose I could say that I’m something more than human. And, personally, I think it’s awful. Do you know how fucking hard it is to sleep with so many different lives playing out in the back of your mind?! I get startled awake when I come under attack in those other realities! And I have these strange nightmares in the reality where I’m already dead, which also keeps me from sleeping peacefully!

Scarlet is a case study of how using the same OC for various different canons can be detrimental to their health.

Scarlet: I’d strangle you if not for the fact that I feel like I’d be accomplishing nothing.

I mean, you’d probably feel good in this reality – shortly before coming under attack again in another one.

Scarlet: Ugh. I imagine that insanity curse my family’s caught under feels something like this.

“Why you ask that?” Alex asked, now interested.

“Take a look at me, Alex,” the Wolf Princess stated as she looked to her human companion. “I’m a wolf of my tribe, and yet I was cursed to be in the form of a human.” she looked away, feeling ashamed of showing weakness again as she hissed, “I despise myself because I’m not the same as my mother or brothers.”

Sannabe identifies as a wolfkin, and you WILL address her by her proper pronouns!

Paulo: …What?

The teenaged outlander could tell that this was a touchy subject for San. He figured that seeing that she was raised by wolves, she would eventually believe she was a wolf. And the fact that she was human, due to her being raised the way she was and not being around any humans, she would probably assume she was hideous.

…Yeah. No shit. Sannabe literally just said as such.

*Alarms Blare*

Hey, Scarlet, hold this.

*SC hands Scarlet a box*

Scarlet: …Okay, why?

Just turn around and face the door, and start cranking the handle on it. You’ll see.

*Scarlet shrugs, turns and begins cranking the handle; after a cutesy little tune, the box pops open just as the DRD break the door down, and somewhere around fifty missiles fire out like Roman candles, utterly decimating the hall*

Scarlet:Excuse me?!

Paulo: Lady Bifocals’ handiwork, I presume?

She calls it the “Boom in the Box.” Not one of her more creative names, in my opinion.

So he sighed as he smirked, “Well… to be honest, San… I like you just the way you are now.”
This earned a surprise reaction from San as she turned to look at Alex, “Wha…? What do you mean by that?”
“Just what I said.” Alex turned towards San as he gave her a gentle smirk, “There’s nothing wrong with just being the way that you are now.” his smirk widened a bit as he stated, “Besides… what would you turn into? A female version of the Hulk? Sorry, but you just wouldn’t fit with that beefy profile.”

Hey, fuck you, kid!

Skipping shit again, because Alex barfs up info about Abomination now, and like the Hulk, you should just go read a wiki if you really want to know about him.

“Your home sounds just as savage as mine is,” San shivered. “How can you live in a place with creatures like these?”

Alex chuckled as he cleared up the misunderstanding, “The Hulk and Abomination aren’t real, San. They’re just make-believe characters in a work of fiction.”

“Then why would humans read this?”

“Because people need a hero in their lives.” Alex then pointed out a little tidbit of life’s wisdom. “My Grandma always told me that she believed that there’s a hero in everyone. They give others power, hope, even allow those to die with pride. And sometimes to do what’s right, they need to be steady, and give up the things they want the most. Even their dreams.” he sighed and wondered, “I think that’s why people are drawn to those kind of stories… they can gain courage by listening to that kind of stuff.”

Scarlet: Snore. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy hearing people’s ideas on what makes a hero, but coming from Alex, I just can’t bring myself to care.

Paulo: Nobody blames you. His words are cheap and hollow.

Scarlet: My, my! That may have been the most bitter commentary I’ve ever heard from you!

Oh, you should have seen how pissed he got when Alex was here.

Scarlet: I’m rather sad that I missed that, now.

After a moment of silence, San placed the comic book in Alex’s lap and moved to spot directly across form him. “Okay, I’m ready,” she said quietly.

“Ready?” Alex raised an eyebrow. “Ready for what?”

“To hear your story,” San answered, locking eyes with Alex. “Last night you promised me that you would tell me everything I wanted to know about yourself. And I think you’ve put it off for long enough, already.”

Alex raised an eyebrow, “What, you mean… now?”

“You gave me your word, didn’t you?” San replied, intensifying her gaze on the teenaged outlander sitting before her. “I think it’s only fair that you keep it.”

“I did, didn’t I?” Alex crossed his arms and scowled, knowing that he was gonna berate himself later after this. ‘I guess it’s only fair that I tell her. I mean what’s the harm? She is the Princess Mononoke after all.

Aaaand scene.

Well, that about wraps up chapter fourteen! Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Maybe that fight with Takemaru that I mentioned will happen next chapter! Maybe it won’t! Maybe Alex and San will just prattle on some more! Who knows? (But if it is Alex and San prattling on some more, I’m just gonna skip the whole damn chapter, okay?) In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, I’ll see you next time!

…Oh, yeah, it’s also my birthday today. Woohoo and stuff.

Scarlet: Well, don’t hurt yourself celebrating or anything.

I mean, I cared even less when I turned twenty-one. Hell, I don’t think I even mentioned it when it happened. So this is actually an improvement, if you can believe that.

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29 Comments on “1735: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Fourteen, Part Four”

  1. BatJamags says:

    Scarlet: The fact that she’s even predisposed to wearing clothing should be the unusual part, one would think.

    Well, probably the reason clothes exist is because humans were out in the wild being animals and shit and were all like “You know what’s cold? Not having fur. We should do something about that.” and then there were clothes.

  2. BatJamags says:

    “He’s basically the most powerful superhero in the fictional world of Marvel Comics.”

    I see your Hulk and raise you a Silver Surfer.

    • BatJamags says:

      Not to mention, stepping away from Avengers canon here, there is also a little mutant boy named Franklin Richards.

      Oh, yeah, also him.

      And Jean Grey, at least when she’s the Phoenix.

  3. BatJamags says:

    …Oh, yeah, it’s also my birthday today. Woohoo and stuff.

    Oh, well happy birthday then! I got you some snarky comments about the fic you’re riffing! Which is totally different from every other day because I say so, so there.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    San looked at the Hulk and thought out loud, “I wonder what it’s like to become something else other than a human.”

    Ok, I don’t usually comment just to toot my own horn, but… this is something Palaven’s Dogs actually bothers to address. And I have to say it does it a lot better than here.

    It never really comes out and dedicates scenes to nothing but, but it does periodically remind the readers that, since this is post-ME3, Commander Elizabeth Shepard is a 30-precent-cybernetics-by-mass science project who speaks fluent Prothean, sleeps four hours out of every seventy-two, and can literally hear people’s heartbeats. This in turn prompts some debate over whether or not she biologically qualifies as human- several characters refer to her as a chimera, and at one point she claims in reference to having received gene therapy to make her vision as acute as a turian’s:

    God, three years ago if anyone had said it’d be a good idea to make me a fucking human-spike hybrid, I’d have told them to get professional help.

    (Yes, that is very much a dig at what you think it is a dig at.)

    The thing is, though, it’s not played for angst because Shepard is awesome and everyone knows it. She might be a freak of nature, but she’s a charismatic, eloquent freak of nature who’s still unquestionably loyal to humanity and galactic civilization as a whole. That, and with the galaxy coming down around their ears yet again everyone has much better things to be doing than sit around and debate the philosophical implications of transhumanism.

    That’s actually something that bothers me to no end about Star Trek: characters sitting around debating deep philosophical implications of their actions when there’s an obvious threat to sapient life demanding that any plan with a reasonable chance of working be enacted right the fuck now. The same logic applies here, really. “Alex” and San shouldn’t be wandering around contemplating the meaning of humanity, they should be trying to regain some measure of control of a situation that (based on what I’ve skimmed from previous riffs of this monstrosity) involves being chased through Muromachi-era Japan by gun-toting minions of a local warlord, and something about demons, and possibly the end of life on Earth. I’m not saying there’s no room for character development in that sort of environment, but it should be formatted to match the pacing of the situation- and, more importantly, sitting around and contemplating one’s navel in regards to what is and is not humanity is a piss-poor excuse for character development in any situation.

    • SC says:

      The first mistake was that Stone-Man85 tried writing this fic according to Princess Mononoke’s actual timeline, even intending to go off the fucking rails as he did and proudly admitted.

      The second mistake was introducing a scenario which should be playing out much like you described.

      The third mistake was trying to stop and develop characters when now is hardly the time.

      So, on the whole, I give this attempt a solid F.

      On a side note, I like to imagine that many of the Guardians in Destiny have this same issue over whether they still count as human (especially if they’re Exos, which are implied to be humans who willingly went robotic, and Awoken, who got transformed by something out in space), and I also like to imagine that the answer they just live with for the time being is, “Ah fuck it, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” It could just be that I’ve not really dug around in that fandom, so I don’t know if anybody’s tried, but I’d love to read a fic with that premise.

      Alternatively, I could also just read Palaven’s Dogs. Sounds like it has a lot of the same themes.

  5. GhostCat says:

    Quickly dropping the comic his eyes and catching the object,

    Did he just drop the comic and his eyes?

  6. GhostCat says:

    “A comic book,” San repeated. “It looks so real…and yet so imagined.”

    So … It’s Schrödinger’s comic?

  7. GhostCat says:

    He was as big as a giant, with muscles that would have made him impossible to move around, and his skin, hair, and eyes were the unnatural color of green.

    That has to be the single worst description of The Hulk I’ve ever read.

    Also, the description might apply to a Japanese folkloric creature called a kappa – a powerful green monster that lived in rivers and liked to drown people.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Take a look at me, Alex,” the Wolf Princess stated as she looked to her human companion. “I’m a wolf of my tribe, and yet I was cursed to be in the form of a human.” she looked away, feeling ashamed of showing weakness again as she hissed, “I despise myself because I’m not the same as my mother or brothers.”

    God dammit, I really don’t want to say look at me being a much better writer than someone else, but look at me being a much better writer than Stone-Man85.

    PD includes a character named Siriacus Rillek- she’s an asari who was raised from a very young age entirely by turians. She’s a loyal citizen of the Hierarchy who wears turian facial markings, but more importantly she doesn’t angst about the fact that for a turian she’s awfully short and awfully blue. In fact, she kind of owns it- like Shepard above, she’s of the opinion that a “mutant turian” is still a turian in every way that counts. It’s totally a solved issue- specifically because drama springing from this sort of issue is always hackneyed and contrived.

    Oddly, one of her big formative influences growing up was human comic books- specifically the X-Men.

    • SC says:

      God dammit, I really don’t want to say look at me being a much better writer than someone else, but look at me being a much better writer than Stone-Man85.

      I’ve been saying that for a number of chapters now. XD

      If it makes you feel any better, I kind of feel the same way. As much as I enjoy talking about my writing when I get a chance, I also kind of feel awkward doing it because it feels like I’m bragging.

      But as to the meat of this, yeah, Sannabe’s whole spiel there just reads, to me, as every ticking timebomb of an individual who identifies as a What-The-Fuck-Everkin and gets offended at the slightest mistake. That’s why I made that wolfkin joke. There are stories which can actually play off the, “woe is me, I’m a freak” thing decently, but this isn’t even remotely one of those stories.

  9. GhostCat says:

    I just find it so ridiculous that Alex is managing to explain comic books to Sannabe using archaic Japanese – it’s difficult enough translating concepts from one language to another even when you have a frame of reference! This is like trying to explain NASCAR racing to an ancient Roman in perfect Latin.

    • SC says:

      I’ve given up trying to make sense of the implication, at this point. My mind just presumes that they all speak English for some stupid reason or another, and calls it good.


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