1729: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Fourteen, Part Three (WARNING: Angry ranting)

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
Url: Chapter Fourteen
Critiqued by SC, Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth

~WARNING: BIG BOUNCY SQUISHY AWESOME BOOBY TITS! :D~

~Alright, that’s the last time I ever let Glasses write a Not Safe For Work alert.~

Hello, and welcome back to “Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors,” by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, joined by Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, and last time, Alex continued to prove that he is a walking contradiction of himself by claiming to be both experienced with, and enjoying outdoor survival, all the while bitching and moaning about it to the point where San finally had to shove his shit back into his own face to shut him up. And Stone-Man85 would have you believe that Alex is a sympathetic character.

This week, unfortunately, is more of the same, but the upside is that we get to see Team Villain for a brief moment to help make the horse pill that is Alex and Sannabe’s “budding romance” somewhat less of a choking hazard to swallow.

Scarlet: Like a single sip of lukewarm tea?

Paulo: Or perhaps a sharp inhale to open the throat for a single moment.

Dude, it probably rates as low as a slow drip of room temperature tap water.

Elsewhere

Far Away from The Kids

“Far Away from The Kids” sounds like some kind of indie punk rock.

Paulo: Oh, he is talking about something that I cannot understand again. I suppose this is where I tune myself out until he starts speaking sense.

Did you just parody my annoyance with Alex’s pop culture references?

Paulo: Without meaning to, but I suppose I did.

“Well?” Gonza gruffly asked the two riflemen kneeling before him, “Did you find anything?”
“Yes Sir,” the one on the left answered first, bowing his head. “Remains of an old campfire, with pieces of wood still burning.”
“Probably only a few hours old,” added the other rifle men, bowing his head as well. “But we were unable to find any traces of them.”

Call me crazy, but if the wood is still burning, is it really an “old” fire?

Scarlet: Well, old in the sense that it was built a few hours ago, rather than it having gone out.

Okay, but does that even count?

“Blast it!” the guard-captain growled tossing aside the bowl of cold rice he had been shoveling into his large mouth.

I really don’t see why Stone-Man85 has to give descriptions of people’s mouths. It’s kinda weird. I don’t want to know how big Gonza’s mouth is, dude, you could’ve just said that he was eating and it would have been fine.

Scarlet: But what if you need to know how well your fist would fit in it later?

Are you saying that you’re gonna go punch Gonza in the mouth?

Scarlet: Yes.

Paulo: For what reason?

Scarlet: Science.

What science?

Scarlet: The science of how many teeth an incompetent guard captain will lose from a single hit.

That’s not fucking science! The results would be too varied to make a proper thesis!

Paulo: I fail to see how that is the problem, here.

“Can’t you fools do anything right?

Said the man who does everything wrong.

I sent you out to find the demon and the wolf-whore, not remains of a day-old campsite!” He stood and glared at the riflemen, “I guess we’re just going to have do this the hard way, then.”

“We are at your command Sir,” the rifleman on the left said weakly.

“Get the supplies packed and my rifle ready, we’re heading out in ten minutes!”

“Yes sir!” the two men shouted in perfect unison, before scuttling off to carry out their orders.

Hmm, I recall Alex saying something to the effect of this NOT happening in the last riff. In fact, I remember it going something like this:

Alex: I doubt Eboshi’s gonna try something stupid and come after us in your territory.

Scarlet: All legendary adventurers and/or futuristic saviors, take heed: this is an example of how to underestimate your opponent. Don’t do this.

Read more of Scarlet’s handy tips in his new book, Guide to Adventuring and Saving, coming to a bookstore near you.

Scarlet: Once Paulo is done proofreading it, of course. I was a bit drunk when I wrote it.

Paulo: You managed to misspell two hundred words in twenty-three pages.

Scarlet: New record!

“Just be sure to stay out of my way, Gonza,” Takemaru replied as he walked aside the captain. “The only reason you’re with me and the creatures that Yashahime lent me, was that Eboshi had convinced me I’d need the rifles.”

So, then, why didn’t she just give you the rifles, and keep her guard captain back in town? Sacrificing weapons is of little concern, given how fast you churn new ones out; sacrificing your guard captain and two riflemen is just asking for shit to go down again.

he then looked up in the trees to see movement. He saw inhuman creatures with what appeared to be moth wings and antennae. Whatever they were, they looked like insects, but the way they moves… it was evident they moved like humans would.

So does Takemaru have enough of these bug-men to justify being all, “release the swarm!” later?

Scarlet: You really assume he’ll be that lame?

What, you don’t?

“Though I doubt that they ore the rifles will do any good.”

Paulo: Ore, on its own, rarely ever serves any purpose before being properly smelted into usable ingots.

Scarlet: Fancy yourself a blacksmith, do you?

Paulo: No, but my early days as a knight recruit saw many damaged swords blades and dented cuirasses. I spent enough time at the barracks smithy to pick up on a few details.

he then looked at the black band on his wrist as his ambitious smile came up, “With this new power, I shall crush the boy single-handedly.”

Nah. The TV Tropes page would have me believe that the inevitable fight is gonna be more like a throwdown between the Incredible Hulk and Abomination. Of course, this is Stone-Man85, so he probably doesn’t know what he’s talking about and certainly won’t portray it the way he thinks it’ll go.

Scarlet: We’ve completely done away with the idea of spoilers, then?

There’s no point with this fic.

Gonza snalred as Takemaru walked past him, and then finally shouted, “Takemaru! Don’t forget that the wolf girl’s head is mine to take back to Milady!”

“And don’t forget…” Takemaru retorted back as he kept his back to Gonza, “… that the boy is my prey. I’m the only one that can kill him.”

Paulo: Actually, our host has killed Alex multiple times.

With a shotgun. In the face.

Gonza’s face twisted as his scowl deepened at seeing Takemaru all high and mighty. His small. dark eyes darted from one angel to another, taking in every detail of the dense forest surrounding the camp he and his two men had set up.

And the angels just kind of looked at each other awkwardly, like, “why’s he glaring at us?”

By the way, Gonza only brought two men? Shit, bro, Alex and Sannabe took on the entire town and only one of them got their shit kicked in, you don’t think that might have necessitated more forces?

Soon outlander demon,‘ he thought to himself. ‘Soon… I’ll have your head stuck on a spike for all of Iron-Town to see! My lady Eboshi will not be put to shame by the likes of you!‘ he clenched his jaw tightly, causing his teeth to grind against each other. ‘And neither shall I!

So, when do we tell Gonza that he’s just a bit villain and will ultimately fail in his endeavors?

Paulo: I feel like letting him learn on his own is the best way.

With a final growl, the bearded man spun around and addressed his men once more. “I thought I told you to get those supplies packed, you piss-drinking sacks of slag! The longer we stand here loafing around, the further our enemies get ahead of us! We’re not going back to Iron-town unless I have that demon’s and the wolf-whore’s head hanging from my belt, do you understand me?”

The two rifle men flinched at their superiors sudden outburst. Yes Sir! Forgive us Sir!

When the supplies were packed and ready, Gonza slung one of Lady Eboshi’s newly crafted rifles over his broad shoulder and took position at the head of the small hunting party. “Let’s go,” he ordered, following Takemaru as he, the two men, and the two creatures followed them all in the forest.

Scarlet: Gonza is beginning to sound like my eldest. Only, pathetic, and impossible to take seriously.

Yeah, whereas your eldest son has a bad habit of throwing a fucking bardiche at people’s heads to just make them flinch for cheap giggles.

Scarlet: I’ll never know where he got the idea that fearmongering was something I did, but somehow or another, that’s where his mind went.

Paulo: …He threw a bardiche at people’s heads?!

Scarlet: I have it on good authority that he made sure to miss. Most of the time.

Takemaru smirked as his eyes were that of a lion’s,

We’ve been over this: No, they’re not. And what the fuck does that even have to do with anything?

Keep deluding yourself, Gonza. I’ll personally kill the two, showing you that my power is more than your rifles could ever do.

And because it’s this fic, he’s probably not lying. Well, he won’t kill either of them, but he’ll probably do a lot more damage than the rifles, because this fic seems to be going the Star Wars way of, “fuck guns, check out these magic powers bros.”

Scarlet: You say that, but I recall you having a book about the Old Republic-era Jedi Order that makes mention of Jedi who specialize in firearms over lightsabers.

Yeah, but that was, like, sniper rifles. And only sniper rifles. Although, admittedly, I did also have the old Jedi Academy game, and Jaden Korr was pretty handy with any gun he could get his mitts on. He also frequently found himself in situations where it made more sense to fight with blasters, because the enemies were too far away to justify charging in with a damn sword, so that probably helps.

Back with the Kids

Deep within the Forest

Ah shit, do we have to?

“Well, Alex?” San asked with a triumphant grin, “Does this satisfy all your needs?”

Alex found himself at a complete loss for words. The resting place that San had led him to was in fact a beautiful lake that lay surrounded by towering boulders and cliffs on one side and dense forests of trees on the other. Moss-covered, rock formations jutted from the water’s surface like sentinel statues while roaring waterfalls created clouds of misty white as they cascaded down the deep crevices that scarred the cliff’s surface. Truly, this place looked like heaven on earth.

“Am I satisfied?” Alex repeated, “I think being speechless is more like it.”

…Honestly, it doesn’t even sound all that nice. Pretty to look at, maybe, but I know where the fic is going, we’re about to have a bathing scene. Waterfalls tend to be fucking cold, so that lake it’s emptying into is going to be like ice. Not to mention that the water is going to be in a constant state of motion thanks to the impact of said waterfall, and while water jets are nice in hot tubs, they’re not so nice in an already frigid lake. Oh, and if you should happen to find yourself under that waterfall, contrary to those movies where it makes for a romantic natural shower, you’re going to have your skull compacted into your spine in a hurry. Those rock formations in the water probably don’t help matters any, because rocks also get extraordinarily cold, and since the characters are more than likely going to be teh nakerz, the sharp edges on those rocks are going to flay them alive. Not to mention, the fact that they’re covered in moss means they’re probably hiding any number of bugs or snakes or some shit that I would want to be nowhere near. And, personally, I don’t really like when the body of water I’m swimming around in is walled by cliffs or the like. It makes it feel closed in and cramped, and especially in restless water, that really amps up the claustrophobic tendencies in me. I don’t like the idea of drowning, and certainly not being boxed in while it happens, capiche?

Paulo: Well, when you put it that way, it sounds absolutely awful.

He moved towards the edge of the lake and collapsed to his knees. He then reached his hands into the cool water and splashed a handful onto his face, washing away the grit and sweat.

Scarlet: No, you actually need to get in the water for that to happen.

The teenaged boy gave a sigh of contentment and splashed himself again, and then a third time, relishing the refreshing feel of the water on his skin.

Apparently, Alex is an alien, and his lungs don’t flip a bitch from the sudden shock of cold water against his face.

Scarlet: It’ll probably be written off as “demon powers” if it ever gets brought to the author’s attention.

No, he’ll just ignore it if it gets brought to his attention, like he’s been ignoring everything that I’ve shoved in his face so far.

When he was finished washing his face, he looked over his shoulder and smiled at San who had been watching him curiously. “Thanks San,” he said. “I owe you big time for this one.”

“Didn’t we go over this last night, Alex?” The young wolf-girl asked taking a seat next to her human companion. “The last thing I want is another favor from you.” She slipped off her animal-skin moccasins and dipped her small swollen feet into the water, letting the coolness soothe them. “Besides,” she continued nudging Alex’s shoulder. “I only brought you here to shut you up.”

So, when is this supposed to be endearing and playfully romantic, again?

Paulo: Supposedly, now.

Yeah, I don’t buy it.

Skipping the next bit, because it’s Alex trying to prove that he doesn’t suck at first aid, which we don’t need to suffer through again, and now we get to the part of the chapter where that warning tag comes into play:

He closed his eyes and chuckled. “I tell you, San, I do enjoy the nature hiking. But I gotta say, one more hour of hiking like that, and I probably would have…” he turned to look at San, “Eh…? GAAAAH!” He suddenly jumped away from the wolf girl; eyes practically the size of saucers and his face blushing like crazy. “WHAT THE… WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING!?”

While the young outlander had been busy looking up at the water, San had removed her head band and fur cloak, along with all the upper portions of her clothing, leaving her very shapely breasts completely exposed for all to see. As her hands moved to towards the water, she looked up at Alex and stared at him, confused by his sudden outburst.

Scarlet: What is the purpose of this scene, exactly?

Oh, this is just going to go into one of my least favorite anime tropes, where the guy accidentally catches the girl in the nude and “hilarity” ensues.

Paulo: It does not sound very funny, and this comes from the man who belonged to a platoon of pranksters.

That had a lot to do with the female knights frequently being commanders, didn’t it?

Paulo: In fact, it did. The female members of Revelm’s military had an uncanny aptitude for excelling in martial combat, and were even more keen when placed in command of their own forces, so they tended to advance through the ranks faster than others. And prying on them while they bathed was good for twenty lashes by the whip. The process went slowly, so as to make sure you felt the pain of every single impact. Every soldier in the barracks was made to bear witness to the event, as a stern warning of what lied in store for any other potential voyeurs. And the one being punished was then locked away for the duration of the time their wounds took to heal, so that they could weep in solitude. You only suffered that punishment once if you were smart, and not at all if you had common sense, and I am quite lucky to have an overabundance of common sense.

Scarlet: See, now, in Mesyth, spying on a woman in the nude exempted that woman from any punishment by the law for murder.

Paulo: Death would have been easier for the poor fools I watched get torn apart. Oh, and might I add, I also witnessed one of my fellow recruits receive fifteen lashes for accidentally killing his sparring partner during combat training. Apparently, spying on a lady in the bath is considered a more heinous crime than running an ally through.

Revelm will have some FUCKING DECENCY from its people, God damn it!

Skipping a large chunk here, because like I said, “whoops I saw you naked” trope comes into play strongly here, and then the narrative goes back to kissing the crap out of Sannabe’s ass about how purdy she is. Oh yeah, and then she decides to wash her hair under the waterfall, which I’ve already mentioned would break your body like a twig if you tried it in real life. (I admit, when I hear “waterfall,” I think “Niagara Falls,” so I might be exaggerating just a bit.)

After she was done, she sat in the water, letting herself sink to her shoulders. She sat on the rock as she sighed, and looked up at the canopy of the forest. ‘I wonder what got him so agitated,‘ she thought to herself as she continued to sit in the water, gazing up at the sky. ‘Maybe seeing me partially naked was too much for his little mind to handle.

It’s Alex, so probably.

When her eyes then lowered to the slender form of her well-developed body-

Okay, stop, stop right there.

Remember what San looks like?

Yeah, she looks like that. And she’s not wearing clothing that’s so thick that it might be obscuring parts of her anatomy. She is not this curvy pinup model that you’re trying to paint her as, Stone-Man85. And quite honestly, she doesn’t need to be, because she’s a damn good character by the merits of her personality, not how nice her tits look.

I’m actually starting to get aggravated now, and not for comedic effect.

-a sudden feeling of regret began to rush through her gut. ‘Or Maybe he just thinks I’m ugly… or perhaps even repulsive to look at.‘ She frowned at the thought. ‘I am after all considered a monster by most humans, why should this one be any different?‘ She drew her arms around herself and brought her legs up as she looked away from her body for a moment, and at her reflection, ‘I guess I can’t help it… I am a monster to both the creatures of the Forest and to the Humans.

She knew that despite the fact that she was Moro’s daughter, San was never fully trusted by the other beasts of the forest. The Ape Tribe had made that all too clear when she was only a cub and that one of them said she looked like a human; furless and ugly. ‘And yet… why do I feel like my heart was stabbed through? Or why was it beating so fast when he looked at me?‘ she stopped looking at herself, and back at the sky, “Why do I feel like this?”

She shook her head, getting those ridiculous thoughts out of her head. “Why do I even care?” she told herself almost half-upset. With a pained sigh, San scooted herself off the rock and back into the water, released the air from her lungs and let herself sink into the water, letting her thoughts go on in her head, ‘Why can’t I just understand him?

*SIGH*

*SC removes his glasses and hooks them on his shirt collar*

So. We’re now transforming one of my favorite female protagonists – one of my favorite, EVER, I might clarify, not just as far as the movie’s concerned – into a vain, overly self-conscious “ice queen” archetype, to be melted down from the badass that she’s supposed to be, but which the author has been portraying as more of a shameless braggart with no skill to back her claims, into some kind of lovestruck damsel who just can’t understand why her heart goes doki-doki, Alex-sama~.

Have I mentioned recently that I really fucking hate Stone-Man85? Not just because he’s an unrepentant plagiarist, not just because he can’t be assed to research anything at all if it detracts from his prepubescent anime wet dream, and not just because he’s got his head so far up his own ass that he thinks his farts smell like roses. I hate Stone-Man85, because all he’s done, and all he intends to do, is take pieces of my fucking childhood, things that shaped my imagination and allowed me to be the kind of writer I am today, and transform them into set pieces of this disgusting fucking patchwork, anime trope-filled, comic book-coattail-riding mess. And San is one of the most agonizing pieces for me to watch get torn apart like this.

San, as a character, laid the groundwork for just about every damn female protagonist I can ever claim to have made, or will ever make. She’s badass, dangerous to anybody that crosses her, survived being cursed and almost dying multiple times, and played an integral role in helping restore Shishigami’s head back to his body before he fucked over the entire forest and everything in it from his rage. And along the way, she learned that there are some humans, however few, who are not horrible monsters like she’d always known, which helped to soften her personality and make her more sympathetic to the audience, without cheapening who she is, and without completely undoing all the work that went in to presenting her as this ruthless huntress – basically, the exact opposite of the shit Stone-Man85 is doing right now.

What Stone-Man85 is doing right now is taking San’s character, saying, “Nah, I can do this better,” and doing to her what Jackson Pollock does to canvases. He somehow thinks that making San this… this, is better than who she already was. All the intricacies of her character, fucking out the window. All the personality traits that I found so enchanting, dead in a God damn ditch. Hell, even the part where she’s capable of being beautiful just as she is got the finger, because we can’t go two motherfucking paragraphs anymore without Stone-Man85 reminding us, again, that he wanks himself to sleep thinking about her – not the actual character herself, mind, but rather, the vision in his mind of some vague female shape comprised mainly of large circles, who is self-centered as all fucking hell, and for whom the sun rises in the day and the moon in the night, for no good reason.

This is why I’ve been calling this abomination, “Sannabe.” Because it will never be San, and can’t even pretend to save its own life.

And this is just one painful detail that I have to suffer through. Depending on how far into the fic Stone-Man85 got before deciding to shoehorn all those other canons into this like he said he would, I could potentially be made to watch as Lusheeta and Pazu get this badly bastardized, or worse. And we’ve already had a dreadful sneak peek of what he plans for Nausicaa.

So, long story short, I hate the ever-loving crap out of Stone-Man85, because he seems to think that it’s good storytelling to butcher already good stories and cobble them together like some sick fucking Hannibal Lecter crime scene.

*SC puts his glasses back on*

Thankfully, that’s the end of the riff for this week, so I can go and vent somewhere now.

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! I wish I could find it in me to hope that things get better from here, but I know that I’m just kidding myself. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, I’ll see you next time!

Scarlet: …Well, that turned scathing.

Paulo: You will also note a sharp increase of burn marks along the walls. This is why we hide under the desk when he does that.

Scarlet: So there are situations where hiding isn’t cowardly!

I can still fucking hear you.

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20 Comments on “1729: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Fourteen, Part Three (WARNING: Angry ranting)”

  1. GhostCat says:

    “Yes Sir,” the one on the left answered first, bowing his head. “Remains of an old campfire, with pieces of wood still burning.”

    Wait, wait, wait – Alex and Sannabe left their fire burning? Do they want to set fire to the forest?!?

    I want Smokey the Bear to reach through time and bitch-slap these two.

  2. GhostCat says:

    …Honestly, it doesn’t even sound all that nice. Pretty to look at, maybe, but I know where the fic is going, we’re about to have a bathing scene. Waterfalls tend to be fucking cold, so that lake it’s emptying into is going to be like ice.

    The really strange thing is that Japan has a shit-ton of natural hot springs; it’s one of the things the country is best known for. I would like to think that Sannabe deliberately took Alex here so he’d freeze his nuts off.

    • SC says:

      Yeah, like, surely, at some point in her life, she had to have learned that hypothermia sucks and that the strangely warm water from that awful-smelling pond over there actually feels really nice, right? So, I have half a mind that she’s trolling Alex’s ass off.

  3. GhostCat says:

    He moved towards the edge of the lake and collapsed to his knees. He then reached his hands into the cool water and splashed a handful onto his face, washing away the grit and sweat.

    And instead coated it with a nice thick layer of pond scum and whatever else is floating along the edges of the water.

  4. GhostCat says:

    Oh yeah, and then she decides to wash her hair under the waterfall, which I’ve already mentioned would break your body like a twig if you tried it in real life. (I admit, when I hear “waterfall,” I think “Niagara Falls,” so I might be exaggerating just a bit.)

    It doesn’t say how big the waterfall is, and they can vary in size a great deal – both in the volume of water falling and the height that the water falls, which would make a big difference. This could be something more along the lines of having someone turn a hose full-blast on you rather than a full Niagara.

  5. BatJamags says:

    Far Away from The Kids

    There’s a tasteless joke in there somewhere.

  6. BatJamags says:

    That’s not fucking science! The results would be too varied to make a proper thesis!

    This is most unorthodox, Dr. Of Mesyth!

  7. BatJamags says:

    “Though I doubt that they ore the rifles will do any good.”

    Ore what?

    Wait, that doesn’t work here.

  8. BatJamags says:

    ‘Soon outlander demon,‘ he thought to himself. ‘Soon… I’ll have your head stuck on a spike for all of Iron-Town to see! My lady Eboshi will not be put to shame by the likes of you!‘ he clenched his jaw tightly, causing his teeth to grind against each other. ‘And neither shall I!‘

    Easy there, Mr. McEvil. If you twirl your mustache any harder, you’ll pull it right off.

  9. BatJamags says:

    Not to mention, the fact that they’re covered in moss means they’re probably hiding any number of bugs or snakes or some shit that I would want to be nowhere near.

    Related (not really): I’ve been stung by a bee once in my life. I was at fucking Niagara Falls of all places. No, not near Niagara Falls, I was literally on the boat that takes you up to the falls, wearing a rain poncho thingy. And this fucking hit-and-run bee was all like “Yo it looks like you’re having fun; it would be a shame if someone were to get caught in your sleeve and sting you” and then I didn’t pay my protection money or something and it went and did that.

  10. BatJamags says:

    (I admit, when I hear “waterfall,” I think “Niagara Falls,” so I might be exaggerating just a bit.)

    NIAGRA FALLS! Sloooooooowly I turned. Step by step, inch by inch, I walked up to him and then I grabbed a holdofhimandIsmackedhimandjabbedhimandbonkedhimandclubbedhim!


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