1723: SONIC HIGH SCHOOL – Chapter Twelve

Author: DarkDoomFireMaster
Media:  Video Game
Topic: Sonic the Hedgehog
Genre: Drama/Romance
URL: Chapter Twelve
Critiqued by Lyle and Lina

Lina:  You’re joking, right?  We’re still doing this?

Yeah, I know.  Life got a little sticky and I haven’t had the chance to find anything else to work on.  Hell, I’ve had a hard enough time getting guest riffs scheduled, as I’m sure everyone has noticed.

Lina:  Yeah, you did sort of fuck that all up, didn’t you.

I’d be mad at you for that, but it’s true.  Anyway, the last time we met-

Lina:  Eons ago.

-Tails and Cream had a study session that ended without sexy-times.

Lina:  Thank God.

Did anything else happen?  I honestly can’t remember.

Lina:  I honestly don’t think it matters.

Let’s just get to the next chapter, then.

Chapter 12: The Most Important Drama

Lina:  In all my years, I don’t think I’ve ever found drama that important.

This is a fic about high school.  Everything is dramatic.

It was a new day, and Sonic woke up from out of his bed and scratched his balls.

A detail I could have gone without.

He could feel the rash on his balls and it was getting worse than before.

Lina:  I thought he was over that.

Relapse is a bitch.

“A sickness still ravages my balls,” said Sonic as he wrote it in his journal that he now had back from Tails when he took it from school after Sonic had given it away to Ms. Lesson.Sonic was done complaining about his balls and went to school. In History class, he talked to Amy. “Hey Amy,” said Sonic to Amy.

“Hi Sonic,” said Amy and kissed him hotly like a GirlFriend.

Only girlfriends kiss hotly.

“What is up?” said Sonic to Amy.

“It is awful. I have bad news,” said Amy to Sonic.

“That stinks. Do you want to have sex later?” said Sonic to Amy.

*facepalm*  Given how this entire fic has essentially been about Sonic trying to get into Amy’s pants, I can’t say I’m surprised.  But you could at least ask her what the bad news is first!

Lina:  Wouldn’t he be surprised if she’d said yes, they sexed, then she told him the bad news was that she has VD.

That would certainly make this fic more interesting.

“No thank you. Everything is so busy right now,” said Amy to Sonic. “My bad news is that I have to go see the play tonight for a class.”

That’s not really that bad of news.

“Wow, that is unfair,” said Sonic to Amu. “Even the principal says that the play is super gay. But I guess you have to go, sorry.” The school play was so gay.

Lina: A gay school play?

Okay, while “Rent” is technically a stage production that deals heavily with non-binary sexuality and other such issues, I don’t think this is what our author meant.

*smacks the buzzer twice*

Troll be a Misogynistic Bigot: 17

“I wanted to know if you would come with me,” said Amy in a way to Sonic that sounded like she was trying to be attractive. “The play will be much better with someone else there.”

“That is the real bad news. I do not want to go near the play. But I will go so we can have sex later,” said Sonic back to Amy.

*rubs her temples*

Amy kissed Sonic, and so did Sonic to Amy, and they made such a cute, hot couple. Then Sonic and Amy had the rest of the class and Sonic went to another class thinking about how much it was gonna suck that he has to go to the play tonight. The play was just a bunch of people doing gay things and music, like a car full of losers.

Lina:  Rent is a musical…

I know you’re trying to make the best out of a bad situation, but they’re not going to see Rent.

*taps the buzzer*

Troll be a Misogynistic Bigot: 18

Sonic was now in a different class where Rouge and Shadow was also in the class. Rouge was with Knuckles and Knuckles Jr, too, like always now. “Hey guys,” said Sonic to them.

Leave your babies at daycare if you’re going to go to class!

“Hey Sonic,” said them to Sonic together at the same time to save time.

“What is new,” said Sonic to them.

“Charmy has been acting really weird and different lately,” said Shadow in a dark way, which is like him.

“He is probably nervous for the play,” said Rouge suggestively.

“I wouldn’t make any assumptions, but we should keep an eye on him to make sure he is okay,” said Knuckles Jr. Knuckles Jr turned out to be a really cool baby. “I foresee something strange at the play tonight.”

The baby is clairvoyant now?

Lina:  Stranger things have happened in this story.  Namely, that baby even being born.

“The play is gay,” said everyone together, agreeing. Everyone knew it.



*taps the buzzer*

Troll be a Misogynistic Bigot: 19

“How are you and Tails doing?” said Shadow to Sonic.

“Tails still hates my body inside and outside,” said Sonic with almost tears in his eyes, but he was too big and a man for that. “It is so hard to be best friends with someone who hates you and does not want to talk to you.”


“I know how you say it,” said Shadow. “A lot of people hate me because I am dark,” said Shadow, “But I am not trying to be a supervillain. It is just who I am.” Shadow squinted his eyes at the people around him in a way that is hard to describe and kept going. “I do crimes in the city, but I am not a bad person. You can do bad things and mistakes sometimes and still be a good person, and people should still like you for it, unless you’re really a bad person, like Eggman, who is a shit dick. Maybe one day people will see I am a good person, even if dark.”


What is with you and all the video clips today?

Lina:  *shrugs*

Sonic listened to what Shadow said so powerfully, that it was like Sonic wrote down everything on a piece of paper and put it in a special folder and put that folder in a safe place so he could always go back to read it. Then Sonic itched at his balls. His balls were a wreck. That class ended and the rest of school did too and Sonic went home thinking about how his balls were like two blimps covered in volcanoes that could fit on the blimps and itched as well.


When Sonic got to his home Sonic’s Mom walked up to him and said, “Sonic, I went to clean your room and saw what you wrote about your gay ball problems. I am worried about your balls and fear it could be a mortal illness so I made a doctor zepointmint. But first we will have dinner. I got more Chinese food because I know how much you liked it last time.”

*taps the buzzer*

Troll be a Misogynistic Bigot: 20

Lina:  “I’m worried about you, so we need to go to the doctor.  But eat first, because I’m not that worried about you.”

In all fairness, though, testicular rash isn’t an immediate sort of thing to run to a doctor for.  It can wait a day or so.  Plus, Chinese food.

Lina:  That actually does sound pretty good.  *pulls out her cellphone and starts typing*

“Don’t read my journal, MOM,” screamed Sonic. Then Sonic went and ate the food and just like last time, would you know it, there was a fortune cookie, and Sonic opened it and ate the cookie part and kept the paper inside to read the magical fortune on the paper. He looked at the paper and read it and it said “One man’s pubic illness will cause the death of millions”. Some people did not believe what fortune cookies said but Sonic knew they were magic and were always right, so he was a little worried and wondered what it could mean.

Sonic’s testicular itch will somehow destroy the world.

Lina:  Do you like eggrolls?

I’d rather have rangoon.

Lina:  …Why not both?

… Okay, sure.

Lina:  *continues typing*

Then Sonic went to the doctor. Sonic did not like going to the doctor because he was Chinese (like the food Sonic had) and made him feel nerves. Sonic went into his doctor room and sat on the chair that the doctor told him to. The doctor took out some papers and looked at them.

Lina:  *glances up from typing and taps the buzzer*

Troll be a Misogynistic Bigot: 21

Lina:  Chow mien?

So long as you also get pork fried rice.

“Hello, Sonic. It has been a while since I saw you last. Sonic’s Mom tells me you are having problems with your balls. I am going to do some tests on you, but first I am going to look at your papers. I see from looking at your papers that your balls and penis are the biggest in your High School. Good job, Sonic.” The doctor said. Sonic appreciated the truth and nodded his head and smiled. It was okay to talk about your penis and balls with the doctor because that is what they do, even if it automatically makes them gay. The doctor made a lot of money so being gay was probably worth it.

There is just… so much wrong with that paragraph.  I need the chalkboard.  *glances at Lina*

Lina:  Not only am I not an intern, but I’m ordering lunch.  Get it your own damn self.

Fine.  *rolls her eyes and wheels in the chalkboard*

1.) Having data on the size of the entire school’s genitals is ridiculous.

2.) Telling him that his are the largest on that list is a break in confidentiality on the part of the doctor and is, thus, illegal.

3.) Talking about your genitals with your doctor does not make him homosexual in the slightest.  He’s a fucking doctor.  It’s his job to know all about the body so he can tell you if that weird lump you feel is normal.

4.) I have sons, and I have a husband.  I have been in exam rooms with both of these.  At no time ever has the doctor whipped out a tape measure to document genital size.

5.) Congratulating Sonic on being the best endowed is stupid because it’s not like Sonic has a say in how big his junk is.

*taps the buzzer*

Troll be a Misogynistic Bigot: 22

Then the doctor started doing tests. Sonic passed all of them awesomely and even the doctor was surprised at how Sonic was the best at everything, except being smart, which Tails was the best at, but Sonic was still pretty smart, too. Then they got to the last test, which was about Sonic’s balls. The doctor took out a test tube and filled it with pieces from Sonic’s balls, and he tested them with machines. The machines printed out reports about it and then the doctor took them and looked at them with his very very Chinese eyes.

I just…  What?  You don’t just remove bits of testicle!  Biopsies like that would require some sort of numbing agent, at the very least!

Lina:  I’m going to go ahead and order both orange chicken and orange pork, okay?

Yeah, sure.  Oh, and Mongolian beef.

Lina:  Got it.  Did you want anything with shrimp?

Sure.  Surprise me.

“This looks bad,” said the doctor, looking at the reports that the machines printed out about Sonic’s balls. “It looks like you have a big disease.”

“Uh-oh, what do I do?” said Sonic to the doctor, really worried about the welfare of his balls.

In real life, that would mean you’d probably have to weigh the options of removing your testicles before it could spread, trying a few experimental treatments, or going into hospice.  In SONIC HIGH SCHOOL?  Having sex with Amy will cure him.

“I do not know. This is a legendary disease that only comes around once every one million years.

Then how do you know that’s what it is, Dr. Stereotype?  We’ve only had the ability to document things for about 5000 years.

No one has ever found a cure for this disease and what it can do is very bad. This disease will go from your balls to your penis and then up to your brain and it can kill you eventually. There are other things that it does probably, but I do not know because it is so rare and you will just have to call me up and tell me what it does when you find out. All I can tell you right now, Sonic, is to keep your balls away from everyone you know. Do not touch them to other people because it will spread, and they will die, and it will spread more, and the whole world may be at steak here. Please be safe.” Said the Doctor, in a calm way but also scared because it was so serious.

Or, you know, remove his balls and incinerate them so the plague will be stopped before it spreads.  Problem solved.

Lina:  Egg drop soup?

Egg drop soup.

“No! But I have to have my first sex with Amy. We were going to do it at the play which I am going to from here!” said Sonic, crying, sad and mad and afraid of things. Balls are an important part of sex. Sonic was always so healthy and the fastest person ever, but some things just cannot be stopped, like this ball disease.

Calling yourself the fastest person ever in the same breath as talking about sex is not very flattering.

“Too bad,” said the doctor.

*high-fives Dr. Stereotype*

“If you do that, it will be awful, and the first person to die will be Amy. You should not want your GirlFriend to die.” The doctor was right, but Sonic was still worried about it.

“Okay. Well, I have to go to the play now,” said Sonic and ran out with the most nervous feelings that Sonic has ever had. Sonic thought about it, and it was the most important High School drama. What is more important, health or love?

How about not dooming the entire world to death because you don’t want to keep it in your pants?  If this disease is supposedly incredibly rare and dangerous, there’s no way Sonic would be allowed to leave the doctor’s office.  The CDC would be on their way to quarantine him and everyone he’s come into contact with.

With that, we’re done for today!

Lina:  And lunch will be here in twenty minutes.

Until next time, lovelies!

Lina:  I got pork and seeds, too.  I love pork and seeds.

Awesome. *high-fives Lina*


8 Comments on “1723: SONIC HIGH SCHOOL – Chapter Twelve”

  1. BatJamags says:

    You don’t just remove bits of testicle!

    *Whimpers and curls into the fetal position in the corner*


  2. BatJamags says:

    Manipulation to get what you want never actually works in real life.


  3. GhostCat says:

    Balls are an important part of sex.

    Admittedly it’s been a while, but I seem to remember the penis playing a more pivotal role than the balls in heterosexual intercourse.

  4. Jon Arbuckle says:

    ““A sickness still ravages my balls,” said Sonic”

    Adding a little epic fantasy flavour to Sonic the Hedgehog’s testicular rash.

    • Jon Arbuckle says:

      “I do not know. This is a legendary disease that only comes around once every one million years.”

      I was joking!

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