1717: Fall to Equestria – Chapters One and TwoPosted: March 23, 2017
Hello hello, all you patrons!
I was getting the feeling once again that these hallowed halls of literature were alarmingly devoid of technicolor horses, so I’ve decided to grace you with another story excreted straight from the bowels of fimfiction.net. With me today is not another character but my IRL friend Serketry! He’s the coauthor of Palaven’s Dogs, the only player in my Call of Cthulhu games to be anywhere near reliable, and just in general the perfect partner in crime.
I was going to do something related to the execrable “Fall of Equestria” AU
but the more I read about it the more pissed-off and genocidal I was getting. I wound up pining for the lost glory days of shitty OCs and regular, non-fetishistic smut, so I picked the similarly-named but entirely unrelated “Fall to Equestria”, by someone or something named doomboom1234. Who, by the way, has this as his avatar:
I have a feeling we might not be in very good hooves here.
Well, I’m not quite sure what ‘laught’ is, exactly, but I’m fairly confident there will indeed be ass. Where else would the story have been pulled from?
Your intro blurb looks different from what I’m seeing. Also, the first tag is Sex, in a bright pink rectangle.
Ohh fimfiction, don’t ever change…
‘the story of a simple human in a world of magical pony from the beginning to the end.’
I… guess Fimfiction allows for different ones depending on what page you’re on?
Oh, and while we’re talking about the title card, fans of certain turn-of-the-Millennium puzzle games will find something very familiar about the picture it uses.
Does this mean the story will also be a puzzle?
A puzzle to make any goddamn sense of, yes.
Why’d he have to drag Chrysalis into this? She’s been humiliated enough by canon already. Also, the tags keep changing colors for absolutely no reason.
I think fimfiction.net is literally attempting to drive us both insane.
Ah. Mystery solved.
So if we’re done riffing the hosting site, Chapter 1 is informatively titled “the fall”:
I was doing my ordinary 2:00 spiritual walk to forget the chaos of the world.
Linkin Park in less than twenty words. Impressive!
Apparently we’re not at the beginning yet. I see no mention of the world of magical pony.
Might save that for a few lines in.
Well, he only stays in the human world for a few lines, so you may as well use that one now.
I was so concentrated on my music of my ipod that I forgot to look where I was going. I felt my right foot step into nothing. By the instability I fell and by reflex I tried to transfer the impact of the fall on my hands but I was unable to do so. I saw that I was falling in a deep black hole surrounded by a pink glow.
So, is the black hole surrounded by pink energy, or is our as-of-yet unnamed narrator?
Not often that the plot holes are quite this obvious.
Falling in that dark hole felt more like floating I didn’t felt the impact
Better call the Midnight Crew.
of the air hitting my face.
If there’s no air hitting your face, you’re going to die in fairly short order.
Could be zero g, that’d give the feeling of falling without any air currents.
You know, this entire transition process just raises so many more questions than it answers…
Wait a minute.
The Star Fissure from a certain series of turn-of-the-Millennium puzzle games is a contradictory space with zero gravity and an oxygen atmosphere. Please tell me he’s not…
I suddenly saw a light under me and seeing it coming closer made me realise that I was falling very fast. Wen I past the light I was blind by the sudden change of luminosity that I didn’t see the ground and by the impact knock me out cold.
Looks like it also knocked the tenses right off your verbs.
Wen I woke up my head felt like a watermelon about to explode
As watermelons are known to do.
so I assumed that I took the fall head first.
Good thing that’s not one of this fellow’s vital organs…
Slightly in daze I analysed my surrounding. It seems that I was in the middle of a forest and it was night time. I search around me trying to find out where I was.
All these tense changes and at least one past self… wrong canon, m8.
I saw a piece of paper on the ground. I grab and look at it, there were a blue pony on it and above her writing (The great and powerful Trixie).
Does… he think we won’t know who the pony on the flyer is if he doesn’t explain it in a parenthetical?
I mean, he’s right since fuck all about her is described, but why does he think we would care whether this was Trixie or not?
How the hell did he manage to read that? Does he know pseudo-Greek?
Maybe he just watched the show?
I put the piece of paper in my pocket and started walking in the forest. I walked for a couple hours and i didn’t find anything.
Such a thrilling adventure.
Suddenly I heard a roar behind me. I turned around and saw a big lion with bat wing and a scorpion tail.
Only one bat wing?
I guess we know which episode he fell into. Four years into (his) future. Shame he wasn’t eaten during the magic act.
This is supposedly a smutfic, you should be careful throwing around phrasing like that.
Freaking out, I told myself that this was just a dream but my headache told me otherwise. I manage to dodge his first attack picking up dirt as his paw hit the ground. The dirt filled air blinded me while the creature strikes again.
Did our nameless wanderer just blind himself with a handful of dirt?
Past selves and now dream selves? Is it too late to label this a Homestuck fic?
If that results in meteors descending upon this idiot’s house, I’m all for it!
Striking me in the back leaving three big diagonal wounds. I fell, chest first, on the ground faking my death hopping that the lion (thing) would go away.
Generally, faking your death and hopping are kind of mutually exclusive.
The creature should above me for a while thump me some times.
After a couple minutes the (lion bat thing) lost the interest in me and walk away.
Because, as a predator, its response to killing another animal is to leave it alone without so much as a nibble.
Neither the bat, the lion, nor the scorpion leaves their kills to rot, like crocodiles or brown bears.
And for Celestia’s sake, stop (parenthesizing) necessary components of your sentences!
Happy that I was alive, I managed to get up (painfully) with the help of a stick that was close to my face. I walk a couple minutes hoping to find civilisation, thinking what that creature that attack me was. Still hoping that this was all a very realistic dream even if my back (gorging with blood) was telling me otherwise. I suddenly realised that I lost my headache was gone; maybe it disappeared with all the blood that I lost.
I am fairly certain that is not how that works.
It might explain the hazy, meandering descriptions and redundant phrases that are redundant.
[BLARING ALARM BLARES]
*The Department of Redundancy Department strike force is quickly introduced to a manticor and expire from losing the blood that they lost.*
All of a sudden the stick that was holding my wounded body snapped and with me missing of stability, I fell face first. With me losing all my blood and energy, I closed my eyes saying that this has my last moments. Then I herd a voice
I didn’t know you could herd sounds. That’s… rather impressive, actually.
If that was a pun I swear to jegus…
(This isn’t fare).
No, don’t worry, he just can’t spell.
Still feeling the pain in my back I knew that I was still alive. I slightly open my eyes and a saw four yellow hooves. I moved my arms and moaned to tell them that I was still alive. (Oh my…)
Does he think the simple use of the word ‘moaned’ in any context at all constitutes a double entendre?
I’m normally not that pessimistic, but this fic did advertise Sex in bright pink.
I heard before the animal before me ran in the opposed direction of me.
A smart move on her part, then…
I closed my eyes once more still thinking that this was my last hour,
Sadly, there are still fourteen more chapters.
I fell in a deep sleep
Has I woke up; I rubbed my head still with an annoying headache. Has my senses came back I look around me and I saw that I was in a little bed about the size of a 13 year old kid.
Well, he has the word choice of a grade-schooler, at least.
There where also birds nest everywhere. I realized that my shirt was gone but i still had my pant.
Only the one, though.
I got out of the little bed rubbed my back.
You know, if he’s playing up the ‘little’ in My Little Pony, then he has a problem.
This is the bed in question:
“I just had the most horrible dream! A Gary Stu showed up in my cottage and started changing the tense every five seconds!”
Its size is proportional with respect to the house’s dimensions. If this guy find the bed small, every building he comes across will be small.
Feeling something strange I walk towards a mirror to see my back. I saw three large diagonal scars on it
And thus, the Edgelordification begins.
“how long was I out” I told myself. I slowly walk to the nearest window. I saw a basic land with a small river going thru it
A basic land? Is that like the property equivalent of basic cable?
Must be from an early season, before enhanced light and shadow effects were added.
and there were a lot of little creatures. I really mean a lot!
Oh, and here I was assuming you said a lot and really meant a few!
I suddenly felt a cold breeze on my back. I turned around and I saw a little yellow pony with long light pink mane. “Am so happy that your alright!” it exclaimed. By the simple fact that the pony talks, I fell on my butt and pointed at her with surprise. “You… you talk” I finally said. “S…So do you?” she responded.
I think this is one of the few times a fic has undersold a canon character’s response to a given situation.
Spoiler alert: he does not have anything worth saying.
This was very weird “where am I” I ask to the pony while getting up “you mean you… don’t know?” she question back.
And stop cramming different people’s dialogue into one paragraph!
I sight “Look I just woke up after being attack by a monster, my head feels like it’s going to blow up and my what the fuck-o meter went of the charts. So please tell me any information that could be useful.”
Normally I’d point out how weird it is to swear in a kids’ cartoon world, but he’s talking to Fluttershy. At best she won’t give a flying feather, and at worst she’ll just get peeved.
“I…I think twilight would be best to answer your question.” She responded.
Admiral, we both know quite well she’s referring to Twilight Spa– wait, it isn’t capitalized OHGODOHGODOHGOD
“Fine, lest go see twilight.”I said annoyed.
Pretty much my mood when I was dragged to see it. Looks like we have a relatable protagonist after all.
Don’t get too hasty.
“Can you just answer me one question? How long was I asleep?” I ask while turning back to the mirror the see once again my scares. “A full day” she answered. “IMPOSIBLE” I yelled.
You suffered a concussion, major lacerations, and probably severe hemorrhaging. You’re lucky you can walk after a day’s bedrest and no professional medical care.
Just wait a chapter. It gets dumber.
I turned around and look at her straight in her eyes.
Getting in a staredown with Fluttershy is kind of like getting in an arm-wrestling contest with a pile driver. There’s only one way it ends, and it is not pretty.
“Don’t lie to me I am not in the mood for jokes” I angrily said to the yellow pony. “I…its…I don’t understands?” she said
Well with the grammar so far I can hardly blames her.
while falling on her back by my sudden bust of anger.
Also, his angerwave was so powerful it flipped her completely upside-down?
She does flip on her back in fright every now and then.
Or maybe we just have another author who doesn’t know how the fuck quadrupeds work.
Probably the more likely answer.
Has I look at her eyes I say fear.
That’d be pretty fucked up… if it wasn’t just a clusterfuck of typos.
I suddenly closed my own eyes and took deep breaths. Knowing that if I act like this I will not get my answers. When I open my eyes the pink haired pony was sitting on her rump looking at me with worried eyes. ”Are… are you ok?” she ask. I sight and sat down on the ground to be at her eye level.
And yet her bed was too short for you. What? Consistency? We lost that alongside a unified verb tense.
“I’m…I’m so sorry that I yelled at you. It’s just… I’m so confused right now and…Can we just start this all over again?” she nodded. “I am Louis-R Martin.
Too fucking easy.
Aww, what the fuck.
Sure. I hereby christen thee LOSER MARTIN!
What your name? I said with a friendly smile. “I’m fluttershy.” She whispered. As I got up “Maybe we should go see twilight maybe she help me with my confusion?”
You really need all the help you can get.
This is my first fimfictional story please tell me if you like it
… No. No, I did not.
and yes I know that there are errors in the text becomes I’m French Canadian not English Canadian
And yet, he hasn’t spelled a single instance of ‘color’ with a u.
Also, wouldn’t he have had to learn English anyway?
The next chapter is like half this length. Wanna just go ahead and do it?
It’s called “Introductions”, which then makes me wonder just what the point of the last chapter was supposed to be.
Is the chapter after this called Prologue?
*Checks lower in the ‘fic.*
Worse. “Story Time Part 1.”
But… if what we just read could charitably be called a story, then shouldn’t it be Story time Part 3?!
Rarity herself would not be charitable enough to call what we just read a story.
Wow this is quite unexpected. In a two day this story has obtained more than 150 views
That’s… terrifying. I barely get 100 views on one of my stories on a good day.
I can only spoof so many unique accounts.
Hmm. Then maybe I should look into getting more dedicated friends.
I am so happy that I am getting so much support and honest critics.
Yep. Honest critics.
Did that last one really need a translation?
As we walk outside of fluttershy’s cottage she explained me that I was in Equestria in a small town called Ponyville and that there are three types of pony Pegasus that can fly, unicorn that can use magic and earth pony’s they were simply much stronger than the other types of pony. She also told me that the wounds on my back where caused by a wild manticor
I guess it lost the ‘e’ along with its other bat wing.
and that twilight used a time alteration spell to help me heal faster.
She used a time alteration spell to heal you faster.
NO. What? That’s not how the spell works! It sends the caster back in time one we-
That’s not how any of this works! Assuming she meant a time-dilation spell, how did he eat? How did they clean and maintain his injuries?
You fool, don’t you know anything about SCIENCE?!
While we were walking, I realised that my pockets where empty. “Oh twilight has your stuff. If…If you don’t mind, what…what are you exactly?” she ask shyly. “I will tell what I am with twilight. I think she would like to know that as well” I replied with a warm smile. She looks at me with glistering aqua eyes, and it was at that point that I realized how adorable she was.
Suddenly I heard yelling behind me. “LET GO OF HER” I turned around and saw a cyan Pegasus with rainbow colored mane flying towards me
Wait, was he carrying her? Holding her hoof or something? How was he grappled to her in such a way as to set Rainbow Dash off on a rampage?
To be fair, he was just waxing purple about her glistering aqua eyes…
…oh dear. Unless this is in response to this scene:
in a dangerously aggressive position (classic karate air kick position). I manage to dodge her attack and instantly grabbed the side of her chest with both hands, her back facing me, stopping her in her tracks.
Rainbow Dash is the best flyer in Ponyville, possibly in all of Equestria. If a human grabs hold of her in flight, Rainbow Dash does not stop, the human goes along for the ride.
Besides, everyone knows that the only way to stop a speeding RD is to immobilize her tail.
“LET ME GO YOU MONSTER” she yelled while fighting furiously for freedom. “Look I don’t want to hurt you or anypony
He’s awfully quick to adopt the local lingo.
in this world. I will let you got if you calm down.”I calmly said in her ears. “NEVER.” She yelled while still fighting my grasp.
Good for her.
“Rainbow dash calm down please. He’s a friend. Twilight and rarity help me save him at the border of the everfree forest.” Fluttershy said to the struggling pony in my hand.
And apparently RD is now small enough to fit in one human hand.
I bet in the next scene the ponies will all be the size of Godzilla, and the chapter after that they will climb inside his nostrils to do battle with his immune system.
She fought for a couple seconds and soon realised that it was useless she calmed down and went slack in my hands “OK. You win.”
… Let’s see here… won a staring contest with Fluttershy, immobilized Rainbow Dash… Yep. We got ourselves a Stu all right!
What’s he gonna to do the others? Beat Twilight with a calculator? Out-party Pinkie Pie with ritalin? Out-sew Rarity? Introduce the concept of migrant workers and bankrupt Applejack’s farm?
You are not far off.
I gently put her down. When she was free, she turned around and stared at me. “What are you?” she asks. “I will tell you when we arrive at twilight house. Ok?” she nodded. “Oh! Almost forgot. I’m Louis-R Martin.
Nope, still funny.
What your name?” “I’m Rainbow dash, fastest flyer in equestria. And (she look down at her hoofs shyly) I…I’m sorry for attacking you. I thought that you where hurting my friend.” I grabbed her chin and lifted her head so that I can see her magenta eyes.
Bad touch! Bad touch!!
They where glistering.
Of course they where.
“Already forgiven” I said with a warm smile. She smiles back. All three of us where walking toward twilight house. Avery other pony seemed to ignoring me.
Avery the Other Pony is now my new favorite character.
Three-syllable name, too. It fits.
Maybe they were thinking that I has fluttershy’s new pet.
As we continued walking in ponyville, I realise that rainbow dash started blushing. “Your… your” she was looking at my hands. “Hands” as I told her what they are. “Yea. Well… there really warm.” She was still blushing. I slightly grin at her blushing.
“HEY SHY SHY WHOS THE NEW PET” a pink earth pony said loudly enough to startle all three of us.
Oh, GOD NO!
Shy-Shy? I think Pinkie Pie’s hiphop phase is kinda played out already.
You know, it took the actual show a couple of seasons to realize that Pinkie Pie, like actual cotton candy, is best consumed in small, infrequent doses.
I have a feeling this story will remain forever behind the curve.
Fluttershy was about to fall on her back but I caught her with only my reflexes (I wasn’t the strongest of the butch but I was fast). she started blushing. I think she was also feeling the warm heat of my hands.
Ok, that’s getting kind of weird.
How is he touching them? Is he running a hand along their backs? Holding a wing like a hand? Why Are They Okay With This?
I helped fluttershy up and sat on my knees to be at the pink pony eye level.
Oh, so now they’re waist-high again.
“Greetings, I’m Louis-R Martin. What’s your name?” I said with a friendly smile. She jumped in the air gasping loudly and stood there, in the air, defiling the lays of physics and logic.
I taught back seeing the floating earth pony before me. Suddenly she stopped gasping and ran at the opposite direction with incredible speeds, leaving a small cloud of dust behind her. “Is…Is that normal?” I asked to the other pony. “With pinky pie, always” Rainbow dash answered.
I do hope that isn’t a literal pie made out of pinky fingers. With Pinkie Pie and fanfics, you can never be sure…
You know, once, just once, I’d like to see one of these humans-in-Equestria end up in the Cupcakes universe by mistake…
We finally arrived at twilight’s house. It looks like a normal tree with doors, windows and a balcony and a sign in front said ponyville library.
So, not like a normal tree at all.
Just before entering the library, Pinkie pie appeared in front of me with a strange looking wagon behind her. She pushed me closer to the wagon and pressed a button situated at the side of it. The wagon open itself and flags, trumpets and a small oven poof out of it. Music stated to play
Music provided by: [DMCA TAKEDOWN NOTICE]
and pinkie started to sing.
This guy has a very Jake English approach to only capitalizing the first letter of a sentence and then no more, even with proper fucking nouns.
I’d prefer not to think any further about the Mane Six and fucking in this, thank you very much.
Welcome welcome welcome
A fine welcome to you
Welcome welcome welcome I say how do you do?
With all of her dancing and fast movements I had a hard time trying to follow her with my eyes alone.
What else were you trying to track her with? Your taste buds, like a snake?
Welcome welcome welcome to ponyville todaaaaaaaay
She looks back at me. “Wait for it” she said. Suddenly a cake jumped out of the small oven and landed on my face.
The cake has legs?
Do I need to make another anonymous tip to the SCP Foundation?
I licked my lips to have a good taste o the cake.”Mmmmh! Not bad! Add a bit of vanilla in your next batch and it will be even better.”
Careful, that way lies madness…
I said wile petting her on the head.
Ok, that’s it.
I’m calling it.
Once for petting Pinkie Pie, once for petting Rainbow Dash, once for grabbing Rainbow Dash back when they first met, once for grabbing Fluttershy in such a way as to provoke Rainbow Dash into attacking in the first place, and once for whatever the fuck that ‘manticor’ was doing.
Bad Touch Counter: 5
“Let me taste” she said as she jumped up and licked my face from my cheek to my right eye. I blush at her sudden reaction and of the smooth texture of her tongue against my skin.
DO NOT DESCRIBE THE SMOOTH TEXTURE OF PINKIE PIE’S TONGUE ON ONE’S SKIN
Bad Touch Counter: 6
“Your right, it doas need a bit of vanilla. Oh! I’m pinkie pie. What’s your name? Shed ask jumping up and down.
Ok, so first the cake is jumping and now a shed is.
Alright, Serketry, time to come clean. You snuck into the ‘fic and released Discord, didn’t you?
“Hum…I…I’m Louis-R Martin.
Happy to meet you pinkie pie.” ”We are going to have so much fun together new non-pony super tall best fri…” Pinkie was interrupted by a purple unicorn.
And not a moment too soon.
She was standing in the entrance of the library. “WHAT’S WITH ALL THE NOI…” she stopped yelling as soon that she say me “Oh! You…your alive” she walk closer to me “I’m twilight sparkle. Can you speak our language?
This is another question where I love to answer “No, absolutely not.”
Before that I was able to respond to her question.
A white unicorn with a purple mane exited the library. “Well of course he doas darling. The information tag on is clothing is written in equestrian.”
This raises… so many questions…
First and foremost in my mind being what was Rarity doing literally in his pants? … Or ‘pant’, as the case may be…
Or with his removed shirt? Was everyone *except* Rainbow Dash in on the spectacle?
She said as she joined the group outside. The tone of her voice told me that she was the fancy type. So I decided to play along “Greetings m’lady,
Take your goddamn pick.
Don’t mind if I do.
my name is Louis-R Martin. May I have the honor of knowing yours” I said with a smile. “Well Well Well, he has more manners then I thought.
More manners than her if she said that out loud.
My name is Rarity, darling.” She said blushing.
They’re all blushing. CRAP.
And glistering. Let’s not forget the glistering.
“WAT’S KEEPING Y’ALL OUTS…” an orange earth pony halted in the entrance as she saw me. “Louis-R Martin at your service.” I said still with my fancy acting. “ Yea, I’m applejack and what are ya?”
… This is going to be another ‘fic where Applejack’s accent is created by tossing Detroit, Scotland, and the Old Testament in a blender and pressing ‘Chunk’, isn’t it?
Now y’see, a proper s’th’rn acc’nt ‘s portay’d by a lack of vow’ls…
“I will all tell you what I am in the library.”
I hope you all enjoy part two of this story because I’m happy when I make other people happy.
It’s notes like these that make me sometimes feel a little guilty about riffing this guy’s ‘fic.
Then I remember there’s group sex in the later chapters.
Come back next time to witness sexy head scratches.
Will there be sensuous belly rubs? Because this can still be salvaged if the ponies are all just treated like highly evolved housecats and nothing else.
Sadly, we will not be so lucky.