1712: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Fourteen, Part TwoPosted: March 18, 2017
Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Url: Chapter Fourteen
Critiqued by SC, Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth
Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Takemaru got an upgrade. It took the entire riff for it to happen, though, because Stone-Man85 seems to think that he needs to complicate things far more than is actually necessary.
This week… well, a question for you two: How would you rate yourselves in regards to outdoor survival?
Paulo: I was a knight and participated in more than my fair share of battles during the whole of my career. I will let that stand on its own.
Scarlet: I’m a nomadic mercenary who comes for the battles and leaves when there aren’t any. I can’t really think of a time when I’m not camping on the road that doesn’t inevitably involve killing someone.
Well, then you’ll both probably be rather annoyed by the end of this week’s riff, because we talk about survival! Or, rather, Alex does. Take that as you will.
Back in the Forest
‘How did I get myself into this?‘ Alex asked himself as he pulled himself over a very large rock. The muscles in his arms and legs felt like they were on fire, and his sweaty clothes felt sticky and rough against his skin. The throbbing demon-marks on his body didn’t make things any better. With a pained wheeze-
Oh my God, bitch, whine moan. It’s a rock, you fucking baby.
Scarlet: But it’s a large rock! Those are hard to climb! Especially if you have tiny baby muscles and no grip on your hands!
Skipping the next bit of dialogue, because it’s just more of the same witless banter Alex and San have been having for far too long – Alex says something mundane, inexplicably pisses San off, then proceeds to prod San because he thinks he’s so funny, while San insults and berates him without stopping to breathe.
Paulo: We will end up skipping the entire chapter, at this rate.
No no, I only cut out the parts leading up to San calling Alex slow:
“Hey, I’m moving as fast as I can here, Princess! Who do I look like, Jesse Owens!?” Alex shouted back as he pulled himself up the slope.
Scarlet: Oh yes, because she’ll certainly know who that is.
I don’t even fucking know who Jesse Owens is. At least, not without a quick hop over to Wikipedia. (And on that note, he was among the first African-American competitors to participate in the Olympic games, and was a sprinter who took several gold medals back in the Berlin games of 1936, much to Hitler’s dismay, because he was using the Berlin games as a means of bragging about how cool Germany was under the Nazi regime. Ironically enough, the Germans were big fans of Jesse!)
His face was beginning to flush, making it almost as red as the blood he had to see half the time he had been here in this world.
Paulo: That… is a strange comparison to draw to your own face.
He then sighed as he defended, “Besides, I’m not that slow; I’m just saving it for when I need to.”
“Why would you do that?” San asked, curious as to know this human’s meaning.
“Well…” Alex stated as he continued up the slope, “… I don’t think a person should run unless they’re being chased. But that’s just me.”
Scarlet: What if you’re late for a meeting?
No running in the office, Scarlet.
Scarlet: I defy that rule, I’ll not be fired over workplace etiquette.
San just shook her head and looked up at the sky, peering through the thick canopy of green leaves that blocked most of it from view. ‘How did I get myself involved in this?‘ she thought to herself.
You chose to attack Irontown on the night a fuckhead was visiting, if I recall correctly.
Okay, so, cutting out another large chunk of garbage dialogue between characters, and now we come to why Paulo and Scarlet are gonna be pissed off at me:
“In terms of surviving in the outdoors,” Alex retorted as he crouched down next to San on the moss-covered ground. “I’d have to say that most humans where I come tend to suck at stuff like that. Those that are trained to survive outdoors, like my uncle and I… we pretty much excel at surviving out here.”
Oh yes, you have done a swell job proving that, haven’t you?
For those of you who might have only just joined this riff, Alex’s track record of outdoor survival includes failing to light a fire until he bumblefucked his way to victory, while Isaac mocked him the entire time, and wearing a fur pelt that – from how the narrative described it – was evidently not properly cleaned, therefore meaning that it still had the stink of the animal it came off of stuck to it, which is great for avoiding predators, don’t you know. Oh, and it was a wolf pelt, lest I forget. In a forest occupied by Moro, who already has a major beef with humans. Yeah, smart.
Scarlet: I notice there’s no mention of him trying to find any kind of cover to rest under.
Because he never did.
With great effort he was able to look at San face-to-face so she wouldn’t turn away, “Truth be told, this is the longest I’ve ever been in outdoor wilderness like this. Usually, my uncle and I would spend a week out and go back to his home.”
Paulo: …That is not surviving. That is a camping trip. Your uncle took you on camping trips.
Scarlet: And he took that to mean that he was being trained? Oh, my dear boy, you truly are a fool.
Oh, but his uncle is a military man, you see, so of course it was survival training.
Paulo: The same military man who neglected to teach the boy how to properly light a fire?
Scarlet: And might I add, military men usually have plenty of equipment for sleeping out in the wilderness, unless the situation is truly dire. Alex is behaving as if he’s been taught with nothing. I taught my sons with nothing, and from the faces everybody made when I told them, you’d think I’d just called all their mothers whores.
He reached his hand towards San, hoping to receive a bit of help getting to his feet, “But I am a little sorry for driving you nuts with the whining back there.”
You lying cunt.
San chuckled, “At least I know you can keep up with me,” She reached down and pulled Alex up until he was standing once again. “But tell me, what does your uncle do that teaches you how to survive in wilderness?” she then looked at Alex with a look that would describe she’d be PO’ed if she didn’t like the answer. “Is he a hunter?”
Alex returned the chuckle as he shook his head, “Nah, he was a soldier; a regular US Marine.
“But he used to be a Green Beret, and his name was totally different, and he lived in a completely different state.”
Scarlet: Sounds shady as hell.
Paulo: Come to think of it, it does speak of questionable action.
LevyJaye the MarineBeret is up to some nasty shit, guys.
They basically learn how to fight wars, and survive in the wilderness.
Could you dumb that down a little bit more, Stone-Man85? I feel like there’s still too much description, here.
Scarlet: I learned how to fight wars and survive in the wilderness, too! Do you know what they call me? Mercenary.
After he was honorably discharged, he opened a lodging site where he’d take people out on a woods safari.
A fucking w0t, m8?
*le five-second research*
So, I came up with several “woods safaris,” actually – in Uganda. Now, strictly speaking, a safari is defined simply as an expedition into the wilderness to observe or hunt animals, so deer hunting could be called a safari, in a sense, but nobody really uses the word in America without it being the theme of a wildlife reserve or something or the sort that little kids can enjoy.
Teaching them how to make a tent out of leaves and branches, what to eat and what not to eat, even use the forest and stars to find their way back home.”
So he’s Discount Bear Grylls, then? And by discount, I mean like 80% discount, which is practically giving the damn store awa- I have been a cashier for too fucking long, man…
He gave San a lopsided grin, “He pretty much took me on most of those safaris and show me the ropes on everything he knew. He even showed me how to prepare frogs legs and taught me now nutritious grasshoppers are in case you run out of food.”
Scarlet: Here’s the funny thing: All of that is well and good, but the odds of you ever needing to utilize these points are incredibly slim, so long as you’re equally cautious of the wilderness and not so grand an imbecile that you forget how much food you have left. And, honestly, when stranded with nothing, I can say with confidence that a man’s first instinct is not bugs, but meat. Vegetation if meat isn’t readily available. It only comes to bugs when truly desperate.
Yeah, and Alex was actually given foodstuffs by the Emishi way back in the earlier chapters, so he hasn’t had to make use of that at all. If anything, San probably finds more mileage there.
Scarlet: Although, if I might divert off-course for a moment: I just remembered something that I think you’ll find entertaining. One time, I took my eldest son into the wilds, had him strip himself of everything, including the clothes on his back, and told him to fend for himself for five days. He came back carrying a bow he built on the fly, wearing a bear pelt for warmth and dragging a dead buck behind him, looked me dead in the eye, and told me I should make it harder next time.
…Wait, he was wearing a bear pelt? Do you mean to tell me that crazy motherfucker fought a bear to death with Baby’s First Bow-n’-Arrows?
Scarlet: No, he used that to hunt the deer. The bear came before that. When I inquired about all the grisly scars he had suddenly obtained, he told me that he was attacked by that bear on the first day, and beat it into submission with his own two hands before killing it via liberal application of a very large rock to its skull.
Paulo: Your son is a madman.
Then, how did he tend to all those wounds later?
Scarlet: You wouldn’t guess it from first appearances, but he’s actually quite proficient with medical alchemy. He was able to concoct a rudimentary stopping salve that culled the bleeding long enough for him to stitch his own injuries shut. A day later, he had ground up enough of a populous herb to make several weak, but effective powders that kept him alive long enough to hold out for the rest of the three days he had left. He practically fell dead at my feet when he managed to make his way home, of course, but he had done such a stellar job of tending his own medical needs that I had shockingly little to heal.
I’m with Paulo, your son is a madman.
So… I could cut this entire next bit out, and I’ll probably get rid of most of it, because it’s more insipid banter between Alex and Sannabe… but doing so would literally end the riff right here, because that insipid dialogue, sadly, is the rest of the chunk of the chapter I copied down for this part.
Scarlet: Well done on the planning, there.
I’ve made mistakes.
“I see,” she retorted flatly.
“Well, that pretty much sums up the questions for the day,” the youth continued, leaning against a tree and crossed his arms. “Hope that’s part of the answering questions deal we had last night.”
“In all truth, I think I could care if that adds on to our deal,” She glanced around the area for a moment, as though she were analyzing it. “We should be getting a move on,” she said, “I don’t like staying in one place for too long.” She looked back at Alex who was still leaning against the tree. “Well? Are you coming or not?”
“What’s the rush, San?” Alex replied, crossing his arms, “We’ve been traipsing through the forest for the past three and a half hours. We’re pretty much far away from Iron Town; I doubt Eboshi’s gonna try something stupid and come after us in your territory. That, plus my feet have become two big festering blisters. I’m dry as a bone… on the count I didn’t drink any water for a while, and to top it all off, I’m hungry!” He gave the Wolf Girl a blood-chilling glare. To put it very simply, Princess, despite the fact that I’m actually enjoying the hike, I am not happy with not knowing where we’re going or what to expect.”
“And you think I’m enjoying this anymore than you are?” San shot back angrily as she stomped towards him, getting into his face, startling him as she snarled, “In case you’ve forgotten, Alex, I’m still recovering from being nearly beaten to death by a group of rampaging humans. My entire body feels like it’s on fire, and to tell you the truth, every time you open your mouth I feel the urge to kill you by cutting your throat open! So don’t talk to me as though you’re the only living creature in this forest that’s suffering, alright?”
Alex muttered something under his breath, “You don’t have to bite my head off about it.”
Paulo: What is this, a contest of who has felt the sting of the whip more times?
Scarlet: I don’t think I’ve honestly cared so little about someone else’s suffering, before this moment.
I would like to remind the audience that Stone-Man85 tried to tell me that Alex was made in the style of a Joe Everydude, and that the narrative is trying to pass San off as her canonical self. Just let that sink in for a moment.
“Good, I’m glad we understand each other.” The Princess Mononoke then grabbed Alex roughly by the arm and began to lead him through the forest, dragging him as though her were a sack of grain.
Taken back by this show of force, Alex retorted, “Hey, what are you…”
“I’m taking you to a place where you can rest,” San replied quickly. “Now just shut up before I decide to follow my urges and kill you!”
“Alright, alright,” Alex sighed in defeat as he let her lead him on, “You don’t have to…”
“I said shut up!” San shot back.
As they made their way, Alex then spoke up, but this time in a serious tone, “If we do stop, I need to take a look at that bandage.” he pointed to her side to where Eboshi’s blade sliced her at, “I wanna make sure it’s healing and not gangrene, okay?”
San was silent for a while as they continued onward, not even speaking to him. Until finally, she sighed, “Just don’t try anything funny, alright?” But as they continued, San clulessly looked to Alex as she asked him, “Um… what is gangrene?”
Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! I hope to God we get back to Takemaru in the next part, or that Moro’s cave explodes, or something, because this inane bitching between Alex and Sannabe is driving me up a motherfucking wall. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, I’ll see you next time!
…And no, I don’t actually want Moro’s cave to explode.
Scarlet: You sure? I can have barrels of gunpowder up there by dawn if I get moving now.
Scarlet: Well, you’re just no fun.
Paulo: And we are surprised that his family fell victim to an insanity curse?