1704: A knightly tale – One Shot

Title: A knightly tale
Author: Falloutnv
Media: Video Games
Topic: Dark Souls
Genre: Blasphemy
URL: A knightly tale
Critiqued by Leider Hosen and FishSlayer

!!!Warning!!!: Contains poorly written sex and some weirdness, but thankfully doesn’t contain any triggering content beyond that. Well, the fic doesn’t contain very much triggering content, but me and Fish be crazy asf when we’re NerdRaging together.

(Riffer’s Note: FishSlayer is not a sock-puppet and is in fact a real female with real comments. And to keep my promise in Discord, I’m going on record and blaming you for this.)

Riffer’s Note Riffer’s Note: IT’S AN HONOR. It is perfect for a nice oneshit riff though. That typo wasn’t on purpose but nice. -FishSlayer)

*Hosen works diligently to find new material to Riff in his top-secret super funhouse, finally finding a good Skyrim badfic to Riff, when suddenly a disturbance in the situationally dependent quantum flux-*

FishSlayer: Leider Hosen, I found a lovely little oneshot I’m sure you’ll enjoy.

Hosen: Huh? *bonked by high-velocity badfic* Owww! Okay, I’ll read it. What’s with that expression?

FishSlayer: Kekekekekekeekek

Hosen: …Okay. Well, after the last fic, how bad can it possibly be? *reads*

Summary: I wanted to write a story to contact my dark souls character from each game and I came up with what I got here. I want add more chapters later on. Leona isn’t undead or unlinked. She is something special.

Hosen: …

Leona isn’t undead or unlinked. She is something special.

Hosen: Oh no.

My story begins in a small village in a far off land. I was born a only child to my mother and father. When I was the age of 8, I lost my mother to a drake attack. After the attack and my mother death my father he trained me to fight drakes to hopefully get revenge for my mother death. At the age of 20 I left my home to travel to the land of Lordran. Little did I know this adventure would change my whole life.

Hosen: *slowly takes glasses off*

Having made a vow with the goddess of Darkness and sin. velka provided passage to lordran by her giant crow. “Thank you. Thou is a good bird” I say and pet its beak”now be on your way. If I am need of the I will summon thie “ the crow caws and flies off.

Hosen: CANCEL EVERYTHING. I’m Riffing this now. And you’re going to suffer with me! *Hosen tosses Fish through several layers of reality and into a seat in the bunker, Hosen joining thereafter*

Welcome back patrons! The insanity train is back for another round earlier than expected. I thought I found a right and proper badfic to followup the smash masterpiss that was The Savior, but it appears that even in regards to Riffing, my ever trusty Beta has expert council because… boy, she managed to find a baaaaaaad one.

Thankfully, it’s that nice variety of funny bad rather than offensive bad, but ridiculous nonetheless, and we’re getting some quality live reactions, so hazzah!

FishSlayer: Ayyy.

Hosen: Before moving on, I can tell we’re going to need to call on one of my old friends.

*A procession of hooded monks enter the chamber, echoing ominous chanting as they bear aloft a giant, iron-clad box and whap themselves in the face with boards every three-odd paces. They set the vessel on the table, throw several gallons of holy water over it, then remove the relic within*

Heresy Counter: [respiration]

Hosen: That thing freaks me out. Okay, let’s take a count (without getting into several month’s worth of discussion on Velka). For starters: do you live in the Dark Souls universe? Great! There’s a 99% chance death and eternal misery await you!

And since you live in Soulsborne, you are a human, dragon, or lord, though humans come in a few flavors like living, undead, unkindled, or hollow. Note the distinct lack of speshul races you can occupy, as they do not exist.

Heresy Counter: 1

As for Velka, this is a huge problem on several levels.

First, about Velka herself; Velka is the Goddess of Sin, but not the goddess of Dark. Manus is the one true God of Dark, Velka simply used her witchcraft to harness the Abyss and create Dark Miracles. She’s one of the few goddesses that isn’t negatively affected by the cycle of light and dark since she has a dark soul. How lords can be aligned with Darkness, like Gwyndolin being the god of moonlight, is very ambiguous, but nonetheless, Velka is a Dark Lord but not the Dark God.

Heresy Counter: 2

But the main issue is this, and I made this mistake in my first fanfic: Velka does not play nice with the other gods, and who could blame her? She fully subscribes to the belief everyone has evil in them and every sin needs to be accounted for and properly punished. Let’s take a quick look at what Gwyn alone accomplished:

Committed genocide against the dragons. Killed untold amounts of humans and to this day many of his kin and fellow lords are racist against them. Forced Gwyndolin, God of the Darkmoon, into a female gender role because Gwyn thought moon-magic was super girly and offended his pride. Gwyn also exiled his firstborn son and erased him from history for siding with the dragons after the war, rather than continuing to hunt them. He sheltered Seath the Scaleless though he was fully aware the Paledrake was mutilating the maidens of his daughter. And last but certainly not least, at the tail end of his life before he linked the fire, he raped Crossbreed Priscilla and massacred most of the residents trapped within the Painted World while they were basically helpless to fight back.

I could also explain how Linking the Fire, his “one true act of selfless goodness”, fucked up absolutely everything by throwing everything out of balance and making life miserable for everyone alive for several thousand years, but that’s a bit of a can of worms.

The tl;dr is: the gods were not very good people, or very righteous rulers, and humanity and Velka decided they were going to try and put a stop to it. Suffice to say, it didn’t work out in their favor, and Velka ferrying you to Lordran to murder the shit out of Gwyn and all his retainers shows she’s still a wee bitter about it.

However, as we find later, this is the Golden Age of Fire. Velka hasn’t become openly violent towards the other gods yet, it’s too early in history. So Leona could be a follower of Velka without picking a fight with entire kingdom of Lordran, but…

FishSlayer: It makes no sense whatsoever that Velka would accept an oath from a dedicated drake slayer. It’s very likely Velka counted the Lords’ extermination of the dragons a great sin, so how is the continued annihilation of a species something she would willingly support?

Hosen: Velka’s alignment is True Neutral. She believes in completely objective and unbiased analysis of the actions of others to properly serve poetic justice. Her pardoners reflect this as they make very candid references to knowing what an evil bastard you are, but they don’t really judge you, since that’s not their job. Running a personal agenda that follows in the footsteps of Velka’s arch-nemesis is completely the opposite of what she would approve of.

Fishslayer: Obviously the author only thinks of Velka as “that lady who gives u a giant birb ride”

Heresy Counter: 3

Before my brave venture to stop the source of drakes, my Village gave me the gift of a set of lioness armor. I put on the helmet which sported a mock mane to show that I was a powerful Warrior. Another gift was a bastard sword and a shield with my villages insignia .

One, way to ripoff Ornstein’s Lion Motif,

Heresy Counter: 4

And two, mock mane and insignias do look cool, but in Soulsbourne, mock fur and insignias aren’t terribly impressive when you have designs like THIS

Worn by standard infantry. Yeah, that’s considered average knight apparel in Berenike. In other words, you can consider the “cool armor for tough warriors” bar set pretty fucking high, especially for a strapping young girl from the small impoverished town of [ERROR:404].

One final gift bestowed to me was a mythical lion beast who ,my village made a pact with its child has become mine and was, my faithful companion and I could summon him whenever I would need his help.

FishSlayer: Doesn’t “mythical” imply fictitiousness? Also, is this the discount lion version of Sif?

Hosen: Going by the exact definition of “Myth”, this lion could be mythical, especially in a world where magic and gods are fairly commonplace. However, after much research, I’ve discovered there are exactly no lordly lion-beasts that give out free kittens to protect speshul people.

So yeah, discount Sif with absolute certainty.

Heresy Counter: 5

I heard much about the land of lordran. The land of the gods themselves. I was walking down the firelink shrine, to be met by no one.

Hosen: This is supposed to be the past! Firelink Shrine should be bustling with people waiting to visit the Firelink Altar/Kiln of the First Flame, not to mention it should look pretty fucking majestic and not in ruins! We’d be able to experience that if you did that thing those other stoopid authur taips doo; describe it!

With no direction to go, I go towards what looks to be a human settlement.

As I made my way into the settlement I noticed people were running but from what I did not know. “What this thie running from?* I stopped one fleeing person. “ a drake cometh you fool! Move! “ the frightened villager runs from my grip. I listen for the sounds of the roars. “Tis close” as I finish my sentence, a small blue drake lands in front of me. I laugh at such a tiny thing “thou isn’t even a threat to me” I swiftly cut its head off. It was still young and it’s scales hadn’t harder yet.

FishSlayer: I’m getting whiplash from the wild tense shifts.

Hosen: *holds forehead* While I’m waiting for the anesthetics to kick in, let’s appreciate Falloutnv’s inability to emulate Old English! What’s more? Only a few characters in the series use super old-timey lyrical speech like this, namely the top class. Everyone else uses fairly plain dialogue with European accents for spice. In other words, this is not only shoehorned in, but it’s shoehorned in incorrectly!

But more to the point… huh!?

Drakes are less than dragons, but they are not weak. Especially to the point where you can walk up and one-shot them with a cut to the neck. They are really fucking fast since they can fly. They’re also more dangerous than they look as they breathe lightning, and like normal dragons, their scales are made of rock.

Also, the blue drakes are full grown adults, they’re just an offshoot species that’s a lot smaller than true dragons tend to get.

So let’s rack em up: The author cannot accent or shift tenses properly, the author has no idea how does drake, and the Sue is able to kill the kin of dragons without the use of lightning in one hit.

Heresy Counter: 8

All the villagers looked in awe as they saw me standing above the drakes dead corpus. “ Hear me! I am lady Leona from a far-distant land. Slayer of Drake’s! I have come here to rid the world of these fowl creatures. Comr you all are protected under my watch” with that I was now praised and had a place to stay for my ventures.

They praised her while she was standing on the drake’s dead…. corpus? *le’ Google*

cor·pus

ˈkôrpəs/

noun

noun: corpus; plural noun: corpuses; plural noun: corpora

1.

a collection of written texts, especially the entire works of a particular author or a body of writing on a particular subject.

Hosen: So… the corpus of Drake funeral rites? Was it the complete collection of the drake’s unfinished fanfics? WTF IS GOING ON

FishSlayer: Pretty sure drakes are reptilian, like dragons. Is she getting rid of the drakes, or the “fowl creatures”? I thought she liked birbs.

Hosen: She onli liek blek birbels. Even though her character has nothing to do with Velka.

Hold on. She’s a devoted dragon-hunter, protects the weak and innocent and is praised as a champion to the people, she shows reverence to Gwyn and his family…

She’s not Pardoner, she’s a fucking Sunbro!

FishSlayer: Oh my gods, yeah!

Hosen: Wouldn’t a simple change of covenant explain literally everything? How she’s able to kill the drakes by breaking their stone scales with lightning spears, why the public receives her so positively, why she has so much knowledge on dragon slaying.

While we’re at it, since Faraam is the patron of the Warriors of Sunlight, her actions would bring honor to Gwyn and slightly improve her chances of gaining his favor, which would make what happens later an infinitesimally small amount more probable.

In fact, do I smell… character? A backstory?

This is basic stuff! It would bring Leona as a character forward by a huge leap and leave hooks for further character development, turning a massive plothole into a defining character trait… which is exactly why the author didn’t do that.

FishSlayer: Wouldn’t want to be coherent or anything like that.

Heresy Counter: 9

Months had pass and I had only been slaying young blue drakes. Back in my land the drakes had been bigger and many different colors, but that means I am close to where they are coming from. I will soon be able to end this scourge.

Hosen: Yes! Surely the nation built by the greatest dragonslayers to ever live is the source of the drakes!

Granted, there are drakes near New Londo, as well as the Gaping Dragon that appears in the Depths. It’s not just in DS1 either; throughout the series, you see wyverns surface periodically and in Dark Souls 2 you discover an entire kingdom built around one of the very last Ancient Dragons.

It’s understandable in-canon though. Ash Lake, the birthplace of dragons, is extremely well-hidden and has been condemned for millennia. It makes sense Gwyn was unable to find the dragons breeding literally under his nose.

That’s just it though, under his nose. They survived because they were nigh impossible to find and posed no real threat to the world above. When Gwyn and most of his army died, they were allowed to safely flock to the surface and spread out since humanity was far easier to overpower.

In the prime of Gwyn’s rule?

Heresy Counter: 10

****************”*****************

Two years have passed and I haven’t ended the drakes, but I have become a well known hero in the settlement.

Hosen: U W0T??? Do you honestly expect me to believe Leona Sue’s been fighting the drakes for two years straight and not only have you made no headway, but Gwyn hasn’t done something about it? A flock of drakes openly terrorizing the countryside more than a few weeks before Gwyn deployed his legions would not happen.

Heresy Counter: 11

“Lady Leona we have word of a bigger drake” a soldier says and show me on a map where it was spotted. “Then I will be there by dawn of tomorrow” I said putting my helmet on and grabbing my weapons. “Be safe our lady”

Hosen: No, I did not goof, all the dialogue is smashed into the same paragraph despite multiple speakers in every instance. And lady? You’re a lady now? Just… whatever, next!

When I got to where the drakes were going to be, I ended up close to ando lando,the city of the Gods,.

Hosen: ANOR. LONDO. EVEN THE FUCKING SAVIOR GOT THIS ONE RIGHT

FishSlayer: I don’t think the author understands the layout of Lordran, either. The closest human “settlement” in the area of Firelink Shrine is the Undead Burg. The only way to Anor Londo from there (that we know of) is through Sen’s Fortress, an ancient proving ground for Gwyn’s Silver Knights. I guess Sen’s is once again irrelevant?

Hosen: The recession hit hard. They really had to downgrade their security since Bill the Boulder Tosser was charging outrageous prices for his boulder rolling. Therefore, they had to sans Sen’s Fortress and just use a door, like everyone else.

Heresy Counter: 12

 I had rested at a bonfire near by, I have died many times on this journey but by resting at a bonfire I’m able to come back. I had heard tales of the undead when I was little but I was not one of them no, I’m still alive and no matter how many times I died I have not hollowed or needed humanity.

Hosen: 7h@7S N07 Ha0 !7 w0RkS!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGG. The “You Come Back When You Die” mechanics are not that fucking hard to understand! But every badfic of Dark Souls shits all over the premise of Undeath with how their pwecious inserts are able to cheat the fucking system in one way or another!

This is the worst example to date because explaining shit is for pussies! She’s transcended the cycle and achieved total immortality, without any souls or becoming undead, because BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE

Heresy Counter: 50

FishSlayer: Isn’t it just so respectful of the canon? If you’re horrified now, just wait to see how the author portrays Gwyn/his knights.

Hosen: Oh gods…

While walking along a path I hear the screech of a drake. I prepare my sword and shield for a fight.

One by one, they swooped down. Young ones mostly, then I saw it. A hellkite drake. She lands in front of me and screeches a loud roar. “Have at the foul beast!” I yell as a swing my sword towards it.

It was a battle that dragged on for hours,

Hosen: Good thing we’re seeing absolutely none of it, or else I could risk getting invested.

she grabbed hold of me and slammed me through the gates of Anor Londo. Her doing that caused me to groan pain but I did not let that stop me.

Hosen: You got smashed through a wall by a dragon, and the best you can do is groan a little? Is your skeleton made of fucking adamantium!?

FishSlayer: Where are these gates to Anor Londo? How is she getting in? It’s not supposed to be easy!

Heresy Counter: 51

I got up and fought the beast, but it was proving to b,e powerful. Its bites my shield arm and breaks it, I punch in the eye for it to release me. With no choice left I whistle and summon my great battle beast. Beelzebub the great lion.

Hosen: Cue the Hellkite getting one-shot by her familiar.

FishSlayer: I love that her mythical lion familiar has a Satanic name.

He charges down the Drake and proceeded to clamp down on its throat and try to throw her, but she proved to be much stronger than he was and tosses him aside. She turns focus back on me and rams her head into my chest.

Hosen: Oh, color me pleasantly surprised.

With all my might and strength I am able to lift her over my head and slam her into the ground leaving her on her back and defenseless.

Hosen: No. Noooo. You did not just fucking suplex a dragon. God damn it.  FISH, Y U DO TIS?

Heresy Counter: 52

FishSlayer: Hahahahahahahahahahahaahaha. I’ll be honest, I saw the description and was like…holy hell I’ve struck gold

Hosen: I’ll fill your undergarments with slain fish!

Blah blah, she cuts the drake’s head off and passes out, scene change to:

When I awoke, I was in a room that shines as brightly as the sunlight. Just as I set up, handmaidens entered the room to check on me. “Is thou ok?” A elder woman asks me. “Just sore” I say trying to ignore the stinging in my arm. I was just so happy it was my off arm and not my good arm. “If thou is able to walk his lordship wishes to see you” one held her hand out to me. “Who are thou?” I ask of them. “We are the handmaidens of Lady Gwynevere, daughter of lord Gwyn* they said. Then it was clear to me where I was.

Hosen: If the maidens haven’t been turned into pisacas, then this is before the Occult Rebellion, so it’s still in the early Age of Fire, damn near the height actually. I’d speculated this fic took place a long time before the events of Dark Souls, but now I know for sure exactly how long, and wait a minute!

If this is the height of the Age of Fire, then the Curse of the Undead doesn’t fucking exist yet! That was invented around the end of Gwyn’s reign as a way of getting the human population culled while feeding the bonfires to limp them along! If this is the case, Leona Sue knowing about the Undead is a colossal fucking plothole!

Heresy Counter: 53

The handmaidens walkthrough me to Lord Gwyn’s throne room. In the room with Lord Gwyn was his four knights. Dragonslayer Ornstein, Knight Artorias, Lord’s blade Ciaran, and Hawkeye Gough the Giant. Alongside Lord Gwyn was his 3 children the God of War, Gwynevere and Gwendolyn.

Hosen: UGGGGGGGGGGG. You were so close fic, but Faraam (though it should be Gwyn[blank] since this is before he lost his name) is not named “God of War”

FishSlayer: Later she plays it off as “Leona didn’t get his name”.

Hosen: …How!? How do you miss the name of the Number 2 deity in the world? Also, Gwyndolin is spelled with a “Y” in canon, and “Hawkeye Gough the Giant” is redundant as sin since all of them are giants.

-Blaring Alarm Blares-

*Hosen grabs Fish and tosses her at the agents* Have at ‘em!

*more spin slashes than seven generations of Sanic with a scimitar later*

Hosen: Huh, who knew being a sword enthusiast IRL would translate so well to fictionland?

Heresy Counter: 54

Hosen: And another thing… Gwyndolin. Her being in the same room as Faraam and Gwynevere during a formal preceding wouldn’t happen for many, many reasons.

Heresy Counter: 55

“Thine is the one known as lady Leona the drake slayer?” he asked. His voice loud but yet gentle. “Aye sir, thou is correct” I say and bow to him but I wince in pain. He raises his hand for me to get up “no young one don’t bow. You are of a high name. It is honor to have you here with us”

Hosen: *snerk* That’s funny. You’re funny.

Gwyn would never, ever openly praise a human, or hold their name anywhere near “high”.  Even if you set aside the bigotry Lords held towards humans, her attempts to impress sempai with her epic deeds would backfire horribly.

The Lord of Sunlight lead thousands of soldiers into battle from the front lines, killed countless dragons, and participated in dozens of battles. His family raised the most feared army on the planet from nothing, he throws the rays of the sun like javelins to down his prey, and he’s the only one in history to unite three lords and a dragon under one banner (even if it was temporary).

He’s a tyrant and a shitty father, but in the Age of Fire he was well and truly a supreme power, and his callous disregard for everything but his pride was legendary.

Leona receiving a nod of approval for killing tons of minor dragons? Maybe. Gwyn gushing over her awesomeness and telling her she doesn’t have to bend a knee to him? Pure, unadulterated wanking.

Heresy Counter: 56

he smiles a very fatherly at me. “Thank you Lord Gwyn” I say with a smile. “ you are welcome here as you heal and long after you are healed. You are now and knight of Anor Londo for your fight against the drakes.”

*Hosen and FishSlayer fall from their chairs, rolling around on the floor and laughing violently*

Hosen: A human being named a knight of Gwyn? Alongside the likes of the Four Knights? Is she going to be trained and outfitted personally by Faraam? Is she going to fight alongside Artorias the Abysswalker or Hawkeye Gough?

She may be able to kill the blue drakes pretty easily, but jumping immediately to adversaries worth sending the Four Knights after is fucking suicidal.

FishSlayer: Hosen. She suplexed a hellkite, 2stronk.

Hosen: Let’s see her do that to Black Dragon Kalameet

The black-magic breathing telekinetic dragon cyclopes not even Anor Londo dared challenge

Then we’ll talk.

Heresy Counter: 57

*pause* Oh no. Please don’t tell me that’s actually what happens.

FishSlayer: No. But more character assassination is on the way

he said and claps his giant hands. It is quite an honor to be a knight of Lord gwyn’s Court. he is not very fond of humans

Hosen: *SNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERK* Really? Not fond? I had no idea.

but being a human and able to prove myself against the drakes must have won him over to my side and I’m happy for that. ***************************

The Hellkite Drake, which took Leona hours and hours of brutal combat to down, and she immediately succumbed to her injuries afterward

The reanimated corpse of one of the many Ancient Dragons Gwyn and his knights killed in the war

Hosen: Do you see the problem here?

Heresy Counter: 58

During my months of healing the God of War the son of Lord Gwyn, I never learned his name,. He tried to make me his wife but I turned him down.

Hosen:

1). The Son of Gwyn would not fall for a human.

2). Why???????? Not that she has to marry him, but still, why? What reason does she have for not wanting to? Perhaps I’d know the answer if, and this is a radical idea, this shit was on-screen.

Heresy Counter: 59

I was growing closer with the royal guard, they were reluctant at accepting me at first but over time as I still train through my injuries they learn that I am a willing fighter. Sadly the training made my wound’s get worse so I was put on extended bed rest.

Hosen: You’re an immortal. You can train to death and come back for seconds, or use this radical and revolutionary new substance called ESTUS, so you can take your wangst elsewhere.

FishSlayer: But she’s not undead, she’s speshul.

One day while I was bathing in a nearby pond with Beelzebub. I heard a noise in the bushes but I decided to pay it no mind. Until I heard “orenstein you peeping feline” Artorias said with Lord’s blade ciaran in his arms from behind the bushes. “Thou all have five seconds to leave. Except orenstein you stay”

Hosen: Pls no.

I say hiding behind Beelzebub. Artorias and ciaran left an Ornstein stepped out from behind the bushes. “Forgive me my lady. Thou has just peaked my eye” he said sheepishly.

Hosen: NOOO

FishSlayer: Yes ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

“So the dragon slayer has feeling for the drake slayer. Thou is a true romantic.” I say with a chuckle. I attempt to walk over to him, but my legs cannot muster the strength anymore my wounds are bad. Ornstein runs over to me and catches me before I can fall face first into the water. That is when I noticed he is not wearing his helmet. The Dragon Slayer has crimson red hair with soft baby blue eyes. “Thous eyes are so enchanting I could just get lost in them” I say gently caress his cheek. He chuckles. “ your fire red eyes burn in my soul as I sleep at night. you’re beautiful brunette hair is what my dreams are made of” he says as he gently kisses me.

Hosen: Y ORNSTEIN

FishSlayer: Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Heresy Counter: 387

FishSlayer: I also love how Arty randomly shows up carrying Ciaren for no reason.

Hosen: Cuz they are a couple. They were making wild, poorly written smut in da bush. They just kink-shamed Orns to distract the audience from their BDSM hijinks and make a quick escape.

FishSlayer: More like they creep shamed him.

I kiss him back tenderly and I feel safe in his arms. He picked me up in his arms and takes me back to his Chambers. “ For tonight we share the same bed my sweet Drake slayer “ he says as he lays me on his giant bed.

FishSlayer: I’m going to cringe through this so hard again.

Hosen: U DON’T GIT TO RUN FROM DIS. We will cringe and suffer together.

I thought crosses my mind on how this will work. I only reach up to his stomach. I am just a human but he is a demigod, I am only the of height of 5.7 and he is the height of 7 2. All my fears put to rest when he says “ don’t worry my little Slayer I will be gentle with you”

Hosen:

>Ornstein is a minor god, not a demigod. Big difference.

>Ornstein is 12 feet tall, not 8

>Honey, there is no “be gentle” in this situation

>Poor Gurl

Heresy Counter: 390

he gently kisses my head and slowly starts to undress me. My face turns a slight shade of red. I had always been embarrassed about my body. I was very muscular female and my chest size was very small.

Hosen: Well, there is this one filthy lesbo that may like dem abs…

FishSlayer: Can u blame me?

Hosen: *gasp* What will Azur think when she finds out you’re cheating on her wiff a Sue!

FishSlayer: Me wife-ing Azur would be like you wife-ing Ro. Just fyi

Hosen: Cum on, u kno u want a sweet piece of yourself. She’s even named Assur!

FishSlayer: Yore rite. It’s lyk those people who masturbate in front of a mirror.

“Waow I’m so hawt”

“Ty I’m also hawt”

“We’re so hawt, me”

He just ran his hands down my chest and taunt stomach. “ you’re such a powerful female, one who is truly worthy of the title lioness“ he says as he starts to suck on my nipples. I moan softly and I wrap my arms around his head.

Hosen: You don’t even come up to his waist!

FishSlayer: Well wouldn’t you break your spine for dem nips?

Hosen: Fish pls.

For a good while he goes back and forth between my breasts making sure one was not neglected over the other. “Tis not fair I am unclothed and you in your armour” I say and gently tug on his hair. He grunts with pleasure at the feeling and swiftly undresses. I marvel at how big his length it is much bigger than I expected it to be. He truly is the proud lion knight and I am soon to be his lioness. He gently rubs his fingers against my wet folds as I gently rub the tip of his great spear. For a good little while we sit there and rub each other. He knows well the consequences if I’m not wet enough for him to enter me.

It would cause me great pain and he does not want to see that. He starts kiss down my chest and stomach until he reaches my legs. he slowly spread my legs apart and starts to kiss on my dripping folds. I moan softly and gently put my hand on his head.

Hosen: He’s. Twelve. Feet. Tall. How is he doing this???//??

FishSlayer: IT’S SO CRINGEY ON SO MANY LEVELS.

Hosen: Well on the bright side, it’s starring cunninglinguistics.

FishSlayer: Yea that’s true. And okay, the fact that it’s obvious a woman wrote it, because women actually want foreplay instead of the dude just being like “HURR I’M SO HARD AND HORNEH LEMME DO YA DOGGY STYLE”

He slowly begins to lick in circular motions around my clit and slowly down to where he finds my hole. He he does this for a while until I have at least cum twice on his face and tongue. I panting say”please my big knight I can’t take anymore teasing, bury your spear deep inside my sheath” I pulled him up to my face by his hair into a deep kiss. His tongue invades my mouth and they fight for dominance.

Hosen: *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* Why is this same cliché line in every lemon that has ever existed in history? I’m not interested unless the tongues start engaging in siege warfare and gladiatorial sports.

He pulls away and says” brace yourself my little kitten it might hurt” he says.

Hosen: Might?

I nod my head and gently hold onto his shoulders and lay my head against his neck. he wraps one arm around me and put his other hand on my waist and then he slowly and gently Parts my lips with his tip and then slowly pushes his head in. I prepare myself to feel pain,he looks at me to see if we should stop, but I give him a look to let him know to keep going. He nods his head and he plunges his whole self into me.

Hosen: His whole entire self? That doesn’t seem physically possible.

I let out a loud moan that is a mixture of Pleasure and Pain.

Hosen: Why are those words capitalized? Are they reading a BDSM satire of Pride and Prejudice? Cuz it’d probably be more interesting than this shit.

FishSlayer: I’d read it.

he does not move he is waiting for me to get used to the sensation of something so large to be in something so small. My eyes start to tear up and he looks up at me and kisses my tears away and tells me everything is going to be ok . I nod my head in agreement. After about 15 minutes of waiting the pain subsided and I asked him to move he nodded his head and begin to thrust slowly in and out of me. it didn’t take long for me to get use to him. I started moaning loud and calling his name, which only encourage him to start to go faster and harder. He would pull himself all the way out just to push it back in all the way until it touch the most sensitive part of my body.

Hosen: The… cervix? Or… is it implying that he’s penetrating her uterus through the cervix? Why is this erotic? Someone tell me Y!

“Oh my sweet knight!” I screamed in pleasure.I dug my nails into his back and bit his neck.

Hosen: Don’t do that! You’ll give him Hepatitis Z and Rabies!

For what felt like hours only lasted a few minutes, it wasn’t long till came together. As we came together we both let out a roar of pleasure. His thick white seed mixed into my body he had a bigger load than I’d expected and it stretched my stomach out

Hosen: …

[Scene Redacted for an Extreme Barffage]

Hosen: I’m not usually one to kink shame… but an assassination of Orns’ character with cervix penetration and cum inflation in the same few paragraphs is a little too much squick for me to handle.

FishSlayer: And the smut itself came out of nowhere. This is a fic posted on Archive of Our Own, where you can put relevant tags on your stories. Considerate authors will provide warnings for potentially triggering content, or things just out of the ordinary. This would have been the place to use one, but of course Falloutnv did no such thing and now we’ve lost our lunch.

Hosen: Why have you forsaken us, Ao3! What did we do to deserve this!

He laid beside me and pulled me close to him. He gently started to pet my head as I lay there breathing hard. “We are now one my dear” “we are my knight” we shared one final kiss before we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Hosen: Don’t panic! I’m sure there’s a mad alchemist with the technical know-how to remove the Sue currently fused to you. You are going to be O.K.

************************

I awoke the next day to the sound of a heavy door being open. “Are you awake lover?” Ornstein asked while holding a tray. I nod my head and yawns. He chuckles and takes his spot next me on his bed. I grunt in pain while holding my belly. “Sore?” He asked while putting the train his lap.

Hosen: I know Ornstein is tough but… bench-pressing a train fresh after sex? Damn.

“What do you think?* I tell him bluntly. His only chuckles at me in response. He had brought breakfast for us to. He had informed me that he let the healer’s know what they had done last night. “They have appointed me to take care of you till your wounds heal”

Hosen: FEEL IT. FEEL THE WOUND AS YOU HAVE WOUNDED ME.

FishSlayer: I’m not even going to question why they thought the best time to have squicky sex was near immediately after Leona was put on bed rest with wounds she got from having a throw down with a Hellkite Drake. Oh, wait, earlier she told the handmaiden she was “just sore”. What is consistency?

he rubs my stomach to help the food settle. “I would think they wouldn’t. Acts such as we did last night, would worsen my wounds” I giggle and he chuckled with me. Sadly the happiness didn’t last long. Artorias came into the room. “Captain Ornstein, Lord Gywn would like to see. It’s a very important matter”. “I shall get ready and speak to him. I’ll be there shortly” Ornstein said. “I will let him know” Artorias nodded and left. Ornstein got up and got dressed “I’ll be back soon love.” He kisses my head and leaves the room.

Hosen: Please be the Abyss. Please be the Abyss. Please be the Abyss.

I was to sore to walk around, all I could do is wait for Ornstein to comeback. “I really hope everything is ok” I say to myself. All I could think about was awful, I never want someone to get in trouble over me. He was gone for little over an hour and I was worried to the point of tears. “Love why are you crying?” He said to me in a soft voice. I looked up at him, expecting to see him hurt in some way but he wasn’t. “what did lord Gwyn say?” I say in my sniffling. He smiles at me as he sits next to me and hugs me close. “He asked if we had sex last night, and I told him we did.” He pet my head. “Was that all?” I asked him. “No, he asked when our wedding was.” “What?!”

Hosen: !?

Hosen: Wtf!? This is incomprehensible on every level! So, they have sex one time and suddenly they’re married!? Even if we completely disregard how they are two different species and the fuckstorm of controversy this would generate, with the God of War’s greatest student having a fling with a human knightess and instantly getting hitched… this still makes no sense because in what culture would having sex one time instantly equal a marriage!? This is absolutely ridiculous, but sadly, that’s all there is.

Yup. The author wrote a 2500 word chapter to open what was sure to be a deep and epic fantasy, but it’s been one year and no new chapters have been posted, and the author presently has a more recent work posted, so it’s safe to say this fic is stone dead. And why wouldn’t it be?

To be clear, this work as a whole is much better than “The Savior” in every single way. There aren’t any overtly rapey overtones surrounding the heroine, the grammar is a little more sound (while still lending itself to hilarious typos), and the “story” and “characterization” are a lot stronger.

The story at least tries to portray the heroine as, well, the hero, and “show” her doing heroic things in service to the people. She is… more or less respectful to the authority figures in the series, and she doesn’t instantly overpower everything in her way… sometimes. Her power was pretty goofy since drake-slaying is considered an extremely underwhelming profession in-universe, yet she did this underwhelming thing with a ridiculous level of proficiency, so I’m not sure whether it’s appropriate to label her as OP or not.

That said, this is nowhere near an acceptable level of quality. A few of her exploits are transparent SI wank (Hellkite Suplex… really?) and everyone in the story treats her with much more respect than she deserves. She’d be a hero, but not to the point of impressing the Lord of Sunlight and his court.

In fact, there is no respect whatsoever for the racial and cultural boundaries that made the relationship between Humanity and the Lords interesting, and Gwyn, an extremely polarized ruler with both great merits and also incredible flaws, is watered down to a Gud Gai Dad Figyur™ while his equally interesting children get no development whatsoever.

The story taking place at the height of the Age of Fire, arguably the most amazing time to live in Lordran, has no meaningful impact beyond masturbating the Sue’s ego by giving her people to rescue and authority figures to praise her.

The fic as a whole is extremely poorly researched and it shows. Everyone is extremely OOC and uses language that makes no sense in or out of universe. While it doesn’t shit on the lore quite as hard as the Savior by manufacturing nonsense that utterly contradicts canon events, the fic has profound incompetence in capturing the lore and tone of Dark Souls, in all areas.

FishSlayer: That really sums it up. Ultimately, aside from a few kinks (lol) in the road, it isn’t overly offensive by any measure (unlike others we could name), and the entire thing is comedy gold.

Fucking awful, but it certainly wasn’t a waste of my time.

Hosen: That’s why I’m rating this fic, overall, a solid 20/100. It’s horrible, and comes closer to the bottom of the barrel than most, but it’s perfectly readable for a good laugh and while the classic badfic tropes are on full display, they are nowhere near offensive enough to warrant getting angry over. This was great fun, and doing it with my crazy ass-friend really just doubled up on the lols.

These have been your hosts, Hosen and FishSlayer. I’m going to hike up my stockings and continue my Skyrim Riff, but in the meantime I hope you were all as thoroughly entertained as the two of us!

---