1702: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Thirteen, Part Six

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Thirteen
Critiqued by SC, Scarlet, and Sir Paulo Rori

Paulo: Her list is just “kill humans” and “kill Eboshi” over and over again, ad nauseum. I have never seen such fanatic obsession as this before.

Scarlet: Suddenly, I’m beginning to see why Alex would drop it in the lap of the first red-wearing white-haired individual he could find, rather than making sure it was actually Santa. I wouldn’t want him seeing this, either.

Do you think Santa has a “Return To Sender” stamp? …Er, uh, that’ll be a question to ponder for later, since we have a riff to get to!

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, joined by Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, and last time, Alex and San sat around a campfire and carried on an awkward conversation. No, really, that’s about it. And it’s more of the same this week.

…I hate this chapter.

“I want to know where you come from,” the young wolf-girl said, a very serious expression on her face, “The first moment I saw you standing on that fallen tree, I knew that you were different from the other humans I’ve encountered.”

Alex chuckled, “How am I so different?” he asked, “Other than the fact that I have a different skin-tone then everyone else around here. That, plus a different eye color.”

Now we’re indirectly doing the skin thing?

“For one thing, I’ve never seen clothing like the kind you wear. Nor have I heard anyone talk the way you do. But the one thing that’s always troubled me, the one thing that I just can’t figure out, is that fact that your only traveling companion is not another human, but a fox-squirrel spirit. A fox-squirrel spirit that chooses to travel with you by its own free will.”

In Alex’s defense, Isaac kind of forced himself on him, and he’s just been going with it.

She shook her head, “No matter how hard I try, I just can’t figure you out,” She locked eyes with him. “And then there’s something else.”

“Yeah?” Alex asked, but then looked around as he mumbled, “Speaking of which, where’d that lil’ fuzz ball wander off to? I hope he’s okay.”

Scarlet: Oh, he’s dandy, he’s just off being all mysterious and cool.

Paulo: Or trying to, at the very least.

Scarlet: Shhh, let him have his fun.

San took a deep breath and closed her eyes, “When the Forest King beckoned you,” she paused for a moment, wondering weather or not she wanted to continue, “… he called you the Time Traveler.” The statement caused the dark-haired youth’s eyes to widen. San saw this and instantly knew that she was probably treading on something that Alex had been meant to keep hidden.

Shit, you think?

But nevertheless, the Princess Mononoke was determined to find her answers. “What does that mean, Alex?””

Alex looked as though he was going to be ill. ‘Oh Double Crap, I didn’t see this one coming!

You didn’t see this coming, when the Spirit King of the Forest (I hate writing that) called you “time traveler” right in front of Sannabe? Really?

Paulo: That is akin to not expecting a married man to punch you for making eyes at his wife.

Scarlet: Or not expecting someone to run for the guards when it was announced, in a crowded room, that you were responsible for decapitating a man.

Paulo: Yes, ex- wait.

Scarlet: Before you say anything, he kicked a puppy. I was justified.

He frowned deeply and crossed his arms. ‘Okay, don’t panic, Alex, just give her an answer and pray she buys it‘ “It’s..…” He shook his head and leaned back against the large rock that stood behind them. “… it’s hard to explain, San. And to tell you the honest truth, I don’t really understand all it myself. I thought I did at first, but now I don’t know what I’m supposed to understand anymore.”

Oh, good idea, Alex. Floundering will totally get her off your case.

“So does that mean, you’re not going to tell me what’s going on, then? San asked, a slightly irritated look on her face.

Alex glanced at the girl sitting next to him, and smiled weakly, not wanting her to kill him now, “I wouldn’t even know where to begin, San,” he said. “Besides, you’d probably think I was crazy or something if I did tell you.”

“Even if I did think you were crazy,” San returned, “I still want some kind of an explanation. I hate being kept in the dark, Alex,” She gave him a piercing look. “And believe me, if I want answers, I’m going to do whatever it takes to get those answers?”

Scarlet: Hmm, you don’t sound too certain of your resolve, there.

She thinks she’ll do whatever it takes. Maybe. It’s iffy, she’s never really tried before.

Paulo: Now, by what definition of “anything” are we holding her to? Because that may strongly influence how far she is really willing to take this.

Alex shook his head and nervously laughed, “A woman after my own heart,” he said and sighed in defeat, “Alright, San, I’ll make a deal with you.”

Don’t do it, Sannabe, it’s gonna be a Zonk!

The young Wolf Girl cocked an eyebrow and looked at Alex suspiciously. “I’m listening,” she said.

“Take me to the Spirit King, Shisha Gami.”

Shocked, San stared at Alex, “You’re joking, right? You’re not serious, are you?”

“Yes, San,” Alex answered calmly, “… dead serious.”

“Alex, Shisha Gami is the Spirit King of this whole forest.”

Ah yes, this again. Even though the Spirit Kings of th- you know what, I’m done fucking typing that – even though the fake gods all hold the title of being the fake gods of the forest, somehow Shishigami is the superior fake god of the forest.


San protested, “I can’t just take you to him.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s forbidden, that’s why!” San tried to control herself, “I’m sorry, Alex, but that’s a deal I can’t make without my mother’s permission.”

“Alright then,” continued Alex, quickly, “… we’ll go ask your mother for permission.”

Paulo: Because speaking with Moro went so well for you the last time you tried.

That was the closest Alex has come to dying, so far!

Scarlet: …What about the times where he did die?

Me fucking his shit up and him nearly dying in the fic are two very different things, Scarlet.

“Are you crazy?” San nearly shouted hysterically, “You just don’t understand, Alex,” San shook her head and sighed, “My mother will kill you just for whispering the Forest Spirit King’s name. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do.”

Sounds to me like Moro needs to chill the hell out. Saying a guy’s name is hardly any grounds to flip a bitch.

Scarlet: My homeland would disagree with you. Anybody who utters my name with anything less than utmost respect gets brutalized by an angry mob, or so I’ve been led to believe.

To be fair, anybody who utters your name with anything less than utmost respect has obviously never been on the receiving end of a Scarlet-style ass-whooping.

Scarlet: Well, that’s one reason of about three I can think of, but you’re not wrong.

Paulo: What are the other two?

Scarlet: They haven’t met me, or they conveniently forget that we battled and they lost, so as to preserve some shred of their dignity. I should inform you that I’m actually shorter and more slim-framed than many people would expect of the most revered warrior in Mesyth. They tend to hear my name and imagine a seven-foot tall behemoth of a man with a sword that can cleave through a mountain, then see little old me with my perfectly normal sword and think something isn’t adding up.

Paulo: Ah.

“San please,” Alex continued. “I wouldn’t be asking you to do this if there wasn’t some degree of importance behind it.”

She’s known you for the collective time of a single day, you can’t say shit like that and expect her to buy it.

“How important?”

Alex sighed dejectedly, “Let me put it this way…” He locked eyes with San once again, “It’s a matter of life and death that I see him.”

Scarlet: And then, with a shrug, San stabbed Alex, figuring that she could at least help him achieve the “death” part in short order.

San contemplated the statement for a moment before replying, “If I do this, will you promise to tell me what I want to know?”

Alex nodded, “Anything you want to know, I shall tell you.”

Paulo: Men who bargain too much in exchange for too little are asking for fate to play its hand against them.

Is that in regards to San, or Alex?

Paulo: San. The reverse of this statement is Alex’s dilemma: Men who bargain too little for too much are asking for fate to play its hand against them.

Scarlet: So, in other words, don’t bargain. Ever.

Welp, I’ve got some bad news for any aspiring entrepreneurs in the audience.

“Alright, then,” San said returning the nod, “You tell me what I want to know, and I’ll try to get you to Shisha Gami.”

“It’s a deal!” Alex held out his hand and waited for San to do the same. The young Wolf Girl however, just looked at the hand, peering at it as though it were a strange animal she had never seen before.

“Am I supposed to do something, here?” San asked.

Alex gave a sigh of exasperation. “Take my hand, San,” San did as she was told. “Good. Now clasp it gently,” Alex then proceeded to shake the young wolf-girl’s hand, “There now, the deal is settled.”

“By grabbing each other’s hands and shaking them?” San asked incredulously, looking at her hand, “That’s how humans make agreements where you come from?” She chuckled. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anything more stupid in my life!”

Oh, it’s not just where Alex comes from, that’s how humans do it everywhere.

Paulo: Come to think of it… why do we make agreements based on handshakes?

Buddy, that question is out of my range.

“Hey, I think facial tattoos and bone-jewelry are stupid!” Alex retorted sarcastically, “but for you, the look actually works.” he then cleared his throat a little, “Besides… the Egyptians thought of it first. We just adapted it to my culture, that’s all.”

What the fuck is he on about, now?

Scarlet: I got to “stupid” and then the words started to sound like someone was speaking into a pillow.

Paulo: Er… Something, Egypt, culture, something…?

You know what, let’s just move on, we clearly stopped giving a damn, there.

San just gave him an irritated sniff

“You smell like an idiot.”

and returned her attention to the fire. It was then that she realized that the air had become significantly colder over the past few minutes. Tendrils of icy wind slithered over her lithe form, causing her skin to break out into tiny goose-bumps and her muscles to shiver furiously.

Is… is it possible to accuse a cold breeze of a bad touch?

She clenched her teeth tightly, fighting the cold and forcing her body to stop shaking. The last thing she needed at that moment was to be subjected to yet another of her human companion’s fast-mouthed, little quips

Scarlet: “Fast-mouthed little quips?” I could talk circles around that boy.

Suddenly she felt something warm and heavy being thrown over her shoulders. She quickly looked over at Alex, only to find him in the process of wrapping one side of his prized jacket, as well as his arm around her. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“You looked like you were gonna drop dead from hypothermia any second now,” the young outlander answered. “So I figured that I’d make myself useful for a change.”

San sniffed at the jacket and wrinkled her nose, “This thing smells horrible.”

“Just shut up and enjoy the free comfort,” Alex retorted, leaning back against the large rock.

Huh, for once, the dialogue wasn’t completely insipid. That’ll never happen again.

Paulo: Shall we enjoy the moment?

Too late, it’s over.

Scarlet: Damn.

“Please San, you’re tired and I’m tired. So let’s just do ourselves a favor and get some sleep, okay? We’ll start the arguing again tomorrow when we’re refreshed.”

The Princess Mononoke shook her head and reluctantly leaned against Alex, allowing her head to lower onto his shoulder. “I don’t know why I put up with you, human ,” she said quietly.

“I’m asking myself that very same thing, Princess.” Alex shot back, but smirked, “But maybe it’s because you think I’m cute.”

Don’t kid yourself.

San snickered and brushed a few strands of hair out of her face, “I hardly think you’re cute.” but then she became serious as she asked, “But… you do promise to tell me everything, right?”

Alex sighed and glanced at San’s face, which was partially buried in his shoulder. “You have my word, San,” he said with a small half-smile.

“You mean your word as a human?” the young wolf-girl asked wryly.

“No, not as a human,” Alex answered with a smile on his face, “As a friend. Your friend.”

San felt something jump inside of her and she lifted her head from Alex’s shoulder to stare at him. But the dark-haired youth just smiled at her warmly, forcing a tiny smile out of her as well. Luckily, she pushed it aside as she scowled, “Don’t push your luck, human,” she whispered returning her head to the softness of Alex’s shoulder, “I’m not one to be so easily won over by a few kind words and cheap acts of your human chivalry.”

One more sentence and this chapter’s over, one more sentence and this chapter’s over…

Paulo: Er, two more sentences, sir.

That fucking next chapter preview doesn’t count.

“That’s okay, Princess,” said Alex, his smile unchanged, “If it makes you feel any better, you’re not exactly my type either.”

Yeah, say that again thirty-something chapters from now.

And we are FINALLY done with chapter thirteen! Holy crap, if the next chapter manages to be longer and more boring than this, I might actually cry.

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! This is usually the part where I talk for a bit about what might happen in the next installment, but I don’t wanna. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, I’ll see you next time!

…What do you think, should I steal Taco’s thunder and put “Celebration” here?

Scarlet: It’s your face he’s going to hit with a gong, I certainly won’t try and stop you.

Paulo: Would it not be better used at the end of the story, thou-?

Fuck it, doing it.


10 Comments on “1702: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Thirteen, Part Six”

  1. BatJamags says:

    There’s nothing worse than a section that would be mediocre-to-OK-ish if it weren’t for the fact that the characters have already pulled too much bullshit to be sympathetic.

    • SC says:

      Yeah, the latter half of this chapter would’ve probably gotten cut out wholesale but for the inane dialogue between character I already dislike.

      Going on a bit of a tangent, here: It really makes it a challenge for me to inject my usual brand of humor into things when the section being riffed offers me so little of a foothold to spring from. Honestly, there’ve been some parts of this entire riff where I look back and can tell from reading it again that I was pretty much nitpicking like a motherfucker because I was desperate to find ANYTHING to talk about that I hadn’t already covered a hundred times prior. I knew the section was bad enough to warrant being criticized, but because it was only boring-bad with minor opportunities dropped here and there, and not bad-bad, where I could shit on it and have a grand old time, I couldn’t justify cutting it out anymore than I could justify ripping it apart, which has been the cause of more instances where I put this riff on hold to do other shit than anything else – even DMC4 only made me put it down and walk away at chapter eleven, and that was the instance where I never went and picked it up again. This fic is so boring at times that I honestly wonder if I shouldn’t just drop it and leave, but for the fact that I know that it gets so fucking stupid later that abandoning it here would be a waste.

      Welcome to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors: Because the author treats it like an anime, it has just as much filler as an anime.

      • GhostCat says:

        I don’t know about everyone else, but I would be totally fine with you just summarizing big chunks instead of having to slog through them in the usual line-by-line style.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, I honestly felt like doing the chunks like what the latter-latter half of this chapter became was a step in the right direction for me. Both in terms of getting shit done in a reasonable(-ish) number of parts, and for giving me something, anything to talk about. It was my mistake for assuming every fic I riff would be as full-up of bullshit as DMC4 was.

  2. GhostCat says:

    Oh, it’s not just where Alex comes from, that’s how humans do it everywhere.

    Paulo: Come to think of it… why do we make agreements based on handshakes?

    Buddy, that question is out of my range.

    :clears throat:

    The handshake originated as a gesture of peace; it originally began as an arm-clasp involving grasping the forearms since it allows both parties to check to make sure the other doesn’t have a knife up their sleeve, and implies trust since you have to get pretty close (within striking distance) to perform it. It was not invented by the Egyptians; earliest records come from fifth century BCE Greece.

    The Japanese bow has similar origins; in a deep formal bow you lower your head, exposing the back of your neck, and take your eyes off the other party while pressing your hands together to show that you are not holding a weapon, which represents a very vulnerable position.

    • SC says:

      So that’s why looking the person you’re bowing to in the eye is considered so disrespectful. I heard in passing while watching a video on Youtube that it was so, but never really got why until now.

      • GhostCat says:

        Yeah, it’s like you’re saying; “I’m bowing because I have to, but I think you’re shady as fuck so I don’t want to take my eyes off you.” It can be seen as disrespectful or even as a subtle challenge. Even the more modern bow, which isn’t nearly as deep, usually involves looking down briefly.

      • SC says:

        The video I picked the fun fact up from was some dude fighting a Japanese boxer in that Punch-Out!! game for the Wii, and he had first misinterpreted it as respect before being told ad nauseum in the comments that it was the opposite, which I picked up from the fact that said Japanese boxer seemed stiff to the point of exaggeration in his gesture, and even had the nerve to waggle an eyebrow at you all, “do something, bitch.” I didn’t realize it was the looking-at-you part that was the offensive thing, necessarily, but the message was delivered well enough besides that I could be forgiven for missing it.

      • GhostCat says:

        Yeah, that would be considered insulting and challenging.

        Japanese culture has this thing where they will take what is expected and exaggerate it to such an extreme that it becomes a deliberate insult to the other party. It’s kind of subtle at times and can be missed if you aren’t familiar with the culture. Like Lolita fashion, the super-feminine mode of dress with tons of ruffles and lace? It originated from the feminist movement in Japan – they took the Western version of idealized female beauty and said “You want us to be pretty little girls? Fine! We’ll be the girliest bitches you’ve ever seen! BRING ON THE PETTICOATS!”

      • SC says:

        And here I was, thinking Japan found something about Victorian-esque dress styles appealing.

        …Well, I mean, they do NOW, but…

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