1701: Panic! In the Host Club – Chapter 3


Title: Panic! In the Host Club
Author: crossover king
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Ouran High School Host Club/Full Metal Panic!
Genre: Humor/Drama
URL Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat




Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the last chapter!

Not a lot happened in the last chapter; Sousuke was added to the host club’s line-up, despite his utter inexperience with girls and the fact that he is painfully awkward around them. And for some reason, girls are paying hundreds of dollars to sit with a socially awkward boy who can barely speak to them despite the fact that they could probably go down to the Manga Club and do that for free.

This chapter is titled “Operation: MATCHMAKER“, which sounds like Tamaki-senpai is going to hatch another crazy scheme.

But first – the Author’s Note!

nothing to say here…no witty remarks or anything just the story

Huh. That’s not all that bad. They are right about the lack of witty remarks, though – and I’m still waiting for the story to appear.

Tamaki called a host club meeting for everyone but Sousuke.

Oh, goody; a group meeting. I bet there’s going to be a ton of dialogue and little else.

“Boss, why are we here?” Hikaru asked.

That depends on your religious views and personal philosophy, but I’m more interested in where you are since the setting was never specified. Are they in the Music Room? Tamaki-senpai’s house? The underwater kingdom of Atlantia?

Tamaki smiled”We are here to talk about the feelings of Miss Kaname and our fellow Host member Sousuke Sagara.” Tamaki announced.

Oh, that’s not good. It’s completely predictable, of course, but this probably won’t end well.

“Right we’re leaving.” Hikaru and Kaoru both said turning to leave.

TAKE ME WITH YOU, BOYS! I’ll even overlook the weird faux-twincest thing.

“Wait! Don’t you care about the blossoming love of our fellow host member?” Tamaki said a sudden breeze making his hair flow.

They barely know him!

“Where does that wind come from.” Haruhi wondered.

Haru-chan would make an excellent Librarian.

“That isn’t the point Haruhi, the point is that obviously the young love of youth

:alarms blare:

Oh, thank the gods!

:takes Xenodoken Gun out of her purse and runs into the hall:




Gotta admit, that felt good. I needed to let off some steam after the week I’ve had at work. Frickin’ tax season, man.

is happening between Sousuke and Kaname, but both are too thick headed to attempt to be together.” Sparkles were appearing behind Tamaki “What say you men shall we attempt to get Kaname and Sousuke to admit their feelings?”

I think whatever plan you manage to talk the others into doing will fail utterly yet hilariously, but the couple will somehow get together anyway. (Eventually.) Because I’ve seen the show and that’s how things usually play out in the end.

Haruhi shook her head “I don’t think we should be deciding who should get with who if they like each other then they’ll just get together by themselves.”

Exactly, Haru-chan! Although it is kind of pointless to try to talk a rabid fanboy out of shipping an OTP. You’ve just got to let that run its course.

“No I don’t think so-” Kaoru started. “Wait brother…this could be fun.” Hikaru said grinning “Oh your right.” They both cackled evilly “We’re both in.” They say simulataniously

I thought you two left a few minutes ago?

“I think Kana-chan and Sou-chan have feelings for each other and they would make a cute couple, count me in!” Hunny said smiling.

Dude, you probably would agree to anything Tamaki-senpai cooks up as long as he promised you cake.

Mori nodded, as always agreeing to whatever Hunny wanted

Which is why there are so many fans who ship Huni-senpai and Mori-senpai.

Kyouya shook his head “You all may decide what to do but I’m out.”

This is why you’re my favorite, Kyoya-senpai.

“Then it is decided those of us who will attempt it shall now start planning Operation: Matchmaker.”

Maybe it’s just me, but aren’t operation names usually unrelated to the actual operation? Like how Operation Paperclip was about Nazis, not office supplies.

As the others were planning to get Kaname and Sousuke together Haruhi and Kyouya left.

:suppresses fangirl squee:

I usually prefer canon couples, but I just think Kyoya-senpai and Haru-chan would be really cute together.

“Do you think they can actually do it?” Haruhi asked Kyouya.

No, not even close. There were three series and the closest the two ever got to an intimate moment was when Kaname cut Sousuke’s hair and he fell asleep. (The manga is a different story, though.)

Kyouya scoffed “That Sousuke guy seems to be even more thick headed then Tamaki, and Miss Kaname seems to be even more stubborn then them both.” he wrote a bit more into his book then continued.

“The chance of their plans working are close to zero.”

A completely accurate assessment!

…Shit. Tamaki-senpai is going to pull it off this time, isn’t he?

Haruhi hummed her agreement.

That’s for contributing so much to the conversation, Haru-chan.

The next day

Sudden time-skip is sudden.

Sousuke walked into the Host Club and suddenly found himself being pulled by someone.

Someone’s about to find themselves to be very full of bullet holes. Quick pro-tip – don’t suddenly grab the paranoid security detail. It doesn’t end well.

Sousuke was about to pull out a pistol until he saw who it was.

About to? The gun should be out and pressed against his attacker’s forehead by now.

“H, Hunny-Senapi is there something you need from me sir?” Sousuke asked.

Hunny smiled “Do you like cake Sou-chan?”

This really isn’t the time for cake, Huni-senpai. You almost died just now. I know you’re some kind of super-awesome martial arts expert, but you’re not bulletproof.

“With all due respect sir cake isn’t the best to be eating, the icing itself is fattening and can be counter productive when out in the field.

That would depend on the situation, really. I’ve heard that Arctic explorers and some dog-sledders will eat an entire stick of butter with every meal, because their bodies burn so many calories just trying to keep warm.

Hunny froze and turned to him his face was smiling but there was murderous intent coming from him.

“Don’t talk bad about cake around me, Sou-chan.”

Don’t get Huni-senpai angry; you won’t like him when he’s angry. He’ll go full yandere on your ass.

Sousuke was rather proud he didn’t feint “Y, y, yes s, sir.”

…That is not the word you were looking for. It’s close, but not exactly.

Suddenly the murderous intent was gone “Good! Now lets go get some cake.”

Sousuke found himself sitting at a table in a rather high class cafe.

:looks around the Void: It doesn’t look any different to me. I have no idea where they were before, but it very well could have been a high-class cafe.

“Now you wait here for a second Sou-chan.”

“Yes sir.” Sousuke said taking a seat.

“Okay!” Hunny called running off.

A couple of minutes later Hunny came back with Kaname.

“Uhm Sousuke whats going on?”

I think it’s called “padding out the fic”. If you make every single sentence into its own paragraph, then the chapter looks much longer than it really is.

“Frankly ma’am, I don’t really know.” Sousuke said with a slight note of puzzlement in his voice.

…Bless his heart. He really is completely clueless, isn’t he?

“Oh hey guys I need to go now soo…see you.” Hunny said with barely held excitement then whizzed off.

Very subtle, senpai.

“So are you ready to order?” The waitress said bringing out her pen and notepad.

:jumps: Where the hell did she come from?!?

“Oh yes, uhm.” Kaname consorted a menu for a second “I’ll take the Fillet Mignogn with a salad, and green tea please.”

What kind of cafe has filet mignon on their menu?

The waitress wrote it down and looked to Sousuke.

“I do not require sustanance at this moment.” He said still ridged.

I bet he’s going to be a fun date.

The waitress shrugged and turned to fill out the order.

All by herself, since she’s also the chef.

Across the room Tamaki was dressed with a wig that looked like it came from a mop, wore lipstick, and had shades on.

Oh, no; Tamaki-senpai has much better taste in drag. Like a lot of pretty anime boys, he looks absolutely gorgeous when he femmes out.

He was sitting with Hunny who had a comically over large moustache,

That seems in character for him, actually. Huni-senpai is usually stuck with the comically oversized props that emphasize his small stature.

and Mori who wore his usual stoic expression but had on a colorful propeller beani hat and stripped shirt.

Now that’s just embarrassing.

Outside the Cafe Hikaru and Kaoru were scaring the people outside by laughing at how the three looked.

“K…Kaoru…this…this is the best…oh..AHAHAHAHA.” he said his eyes full of tears.

Kaoru was on the sidewalk holding his sides laughing.

And I’m sure that’s not going to attract the attention of anyone inside the café – especially not the attention of Kaname or the hyper-vigilant Sousuke.

“Will this plan work Hunny-senpai?” Tamaki said doing what he thought was discreet glances towards the couple.

It really shouldn’t, but since this is a fanfic it probably will.

“Of course, this place serves great cake, so they will be happy with each other.” Hunny said smiling.

Yes, that’s how all great conflicts should be ended; if only Churchill had invited Hitler over for tea and cakes the war would have been over in a weekend.

“Can I take your orders?” came a voice.

:jumps again:


“Wuaaa.” Tamaki jumped and his chair fell backwards.



The waitress looked down at him with a raised eyebrow “What’ll you be having sir?”

Since this is a nice little café known for having good cake, he’ll probably order leg of lamb with mint jelly or a rack of ribs. Y’know, something light.

Tamaki quickly got up and cleared his throat putting on a ridiculously high voice “Oh no you have it wrong I am a woman and this is my husband and my son.”

Hunny started to talk in a fake low voice attempting to sound older “Why yes, this is my wife and I we are out on a romantic trip…thing.”

Mori looked at her and held up his hand “hello.”


This just seems so unnecessary.

The waitress opened her mouth to ask, thought about it for a second and closed her mouth deciding against it.

Yeah, it’s best not to question these things and just roll with it.

“Alright what will you be having, now?”

“Cake!” Hunny said shouting in excitement.”

The waitress nodded “What kind?”

“All of it.”

The waitress paused “All of it?” she looked up shocked.

Hunny nodded happily.


That’s … That’s a lot of cake. Or so I would assume; most restaurants have an assortment of desserts and keep enough in stock to last for at least one day so ordering all of them would be quite a lot of food as well as really screw up their inventory management. Huni-senpai’s going to get another toothache.

“…ok and you si…madam?”

“A cup of Earl Grey, and you’re Matelote de poissons d’Alsace.” Tamaki said.

I don’t speak French, but Google tells me he just ordered some kind of fish stew “in the style of Alsace”, which I think is the north-east part of France near Germany. Doesn’t look all that appetizing, but I’m not a big fan of fish to begin with.

The waitress left to get the orders.

Hey! What about the baby? She forgot to take Mori-senpai’s order.

“That was rather embarrassing.” Tamaki said sitting back down.

You’ll get no argument from me.

“It looks like Kana-chan and Sous-chan don’t suspect its us though.” said Hunny.

They’d have to be frickin’ blind not to.

“Why are Hunny-senpai and Tamaki here?” Kaname asked looking at the two.

“I assume they are here to monitor us incase of an enemy attack.” Sousuke replied.

No, I think the author was trying to be humorous.

Kaname sighed “Why do I ask.”

Again, probably as an attempt at humor.

“Heres your order.” The waitress said coming up with Kaname’s food.

Kaname rubbed her hands together looking hungrily at her food.

Picking up her fork she stabs at her food.

Sousuke quietly watches her eat the food.


I have so many other things I could be doing right now. They just released another update for Subnautica!

“Your food sir?” the waitress says bringing the cakes out for Hunny.

As well as several more tables to accommodate them.

“Yaaaaay!” Hunny says and begins to devour the cakes and finishes a few seconds later his belly bulging.

Huni-senpai does eat a lot, but I don’t think they’ve ever resorted to that particular trope – not without showing the consequences afterwards.

“aaaah…hehe thank you.” Hunny says smiling cheerfully.

Who is he talking to, the waiter? Did he literally eat all the cake before the waiter even left the table? How did he manage that without choking or biting off a finger or something?

“Remember to brush your teeth…you don’t want a repeat of what happened last time.” Mori said.

Hunny froze and turned white a bit, he then swallowed the piece of cake in his mouth and nodded “y…yes”

He still had cake in his mouth while he was talking? Sweet mercy, how much of a glutton is he?

Kaname finishes her fillet mignogn and sighs in happiness.

What about her salad? I absolutely must know about her salad!

Sousuke looks at her “ready to leave miss kaname?”

Well, typically people do leave restaurants after they finish eating unless they are there to socialize.

She smiles at Sousuke “yeah sure…mmm that was delicious.”

Yes, the food that was delivered to you and that you then ate was certainly a thing that happened.

“It was my pleasure miss kaname.” Sousuke says taking out his wallet and paying the bill.

Why is he paying the bill? He didn’t eat anything! And she didn’t even offer to pay, she just kind of assumed he would buy her a very expensive meal without question. This feels very sexist to me.

“Compliment her on her appearance Sousuke.” Tamaki whispers to himself chewing on his napkin.

Probably not a good idea given how Sousuke tends to use a lot of military-themed metaphors.

“Never…in all my years have I ever seen a less romantic man.” Tamaki says gnawing on his napkin.

That poor napkin.

And you’ve never seen a less romantic man? Really? Go to a dating website, any website, and make a profile listing yourself as a woman. You’ll have guys sending you dick pics or offering to do unspeakable things to your body in less than five minutes – less than two minutes if you list yourself as a bisexual woman.

“I promise this Sousuke I WILL make you a proper gentleman!”

It’s like they say; those who can’t, teach.

“Your bill.” the waitress says handing Tamaki a little piece of paper.

Tamaki looks down, and promptly face faults at the amout it costs.

His face is doing what?

It can’t be too expensive if the receipt is small; typically the receipt lists all the items purchased so a very large meal would usually come with a long receipt.

“Its your treat right Tamaki? Well thank you for the cake see you later.” Hunny says smiling as Mori picks him up, setting him on his shoulders, and they leave the cafe.

Is Huni-senpai doing a dine and dash on Tamaki-senpai? That’s awfully rude of him. And again there’s the assuption that someone who didn’t offer to pay is just going to buy a massive meal.

“Hu…hunny sempai…w…wait the…the amount is far too much for the current amount I have on me.” Tamaki says tears in his eyes.

Yes, let’s draw attention to the fact that you don’t have any money. And why is it that you don’t have any money?

“hmm hmm.” the Waitress says, a sense of foreboding fills Tamaki up.

Tamaki panics and starts to check himself and brightens up and takes out a credit card with a flourish.

You do realize that you are in Japan, which is still very much a cash-based society? ATM cards, debit cards, and the like aren’t nearly as widely used as they are in the West.

“Not to worry miss I can pay for the meal I am not some common beggar.” Tamaki says posing with his hand brushing through his hair.

No, you’re a cross-dressing beggar with bad taste in wigs.

“We don’t accept credit cards…” She says simply.

Huh. What do you know, the author got something right. I wonder if it was on purpose or just for comedic effect?

Tamaki freezes in place.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” could be be heard for miles around.


Kaname looked back to see where the noise had come from.

:points at video:

It was him, I swear.

She and Sousuke were taking a taxi back to their apartments and she had heard a noise coming from somewhere in the distance.

Why are they taking a taxi instead of walking or taking the train? And they heard a noise in Tokyo, one of the largest and most populous cities in the world? Could you perhaps be a tiny bit more specific there?

“Sosuke did you hear something?”

He’s heard a lot of somethings, probably. Like I said, it’s a busy city.

“Affirmative miss…it sounded like someone shouting a negative.” He said staring straight ahead.

Which doesn’t narrow things down any. I’m sure in a large city there are a number of people shouting all sorts of things at random intervals.

Kaname raises an eyebrow then sighs, deciding to forget about it.

I wish I could forget about this fic – but that’s what java-flavoured rum is for!

:drinks directly out of bottle:

Whats a ouran fan fic without Tamaki crossdressing?

I dunno, a good fic? I’ve read plenty of fics where Tamaki-senpai never dressed in drag. It’s not like it’s something he does on a daily basis.

And with that final little snippet of an Author’s Note, the fic is finished! Technically it’s not completed, but there’s been no activity for years so I assume it has been abandoned.


39 Comments on “1701: Panic! In the Host Club – Chapter 3”

  1. SC says:

    Operation: MATCHMAKER

    Bifocals: Scheiße! I thought I hid those papers better!

    Wait, what?

    Specs: It’s her secret plans to hook Contacts and Syl up.

    First of all, why would she bother trying? And secondly, exactly how long has this been in the planning stage? There’s fifteen fucking pages, and they’re all damn near black from all the ink on them. Also, fuck you for typing in 5-point Arial font, you monster.

    Bifocals: It was either that or have it be multiple files, stop your whining.

  2. SC says:

    nothing to say here…no witty remarks or anything just the story

    Then why did you bother fucking typing that?

  3. SC says:

    “Where does that wind come from.” Haruhi wondered.

    *Book Specs looks up for a moment, blinks in mild confusion, then shrugs and returns to work lightly bapping a large, misbehaving special effects fan*

  4. SC says:

    What kind of cafe has filet mignon on their menu?

    The kind that also serves your coffee hot, black and Cuban.

    Glasses: Ooh~

    Not like that.

    Glasses: Aw…

  5. SC says:

    Matelote de poissons d’Alsace


    …It looks like someone slapped a white sauce on a plate and then threw a bunch of fish and fish-related shit on it haphazardly. Oh, and a small wad of noodles, lest I forget.

    I’ll never understand why some people take “fine dining” to mean, “looks like shit my cat threw up.”

    Of course, this is the picture I saw first, so I might have a narrow scope on the matter:

    • GhostCat says:

      A lot of French cuisine seems to be chefs trying to find out exactly how much butter and heavy cream they can put in a dish before it physically repulses someone.

      • SC says:

        And contests of, “how much ass can we make our cheese smell like before people physically can’t eat it?”

      • SC says:

        Which is illegal where I live, as noted in my last riff.

        • GhostCat says:

          I think it’s illegal in most places outside of Sardinia, and was even illegal there at one point until it was declared a “traditional food item”, or something like that. Not that there’s really a big international market for strongly ammoniac cheese containing projectile fly larvae.

      • BatJamags says:

        A lot of French cuisine seems to be chefs trying to find out exactly how much butter and heavy cream they can put in a dish before it physically repulses someone.

        You say that like they care about not physically repulsing people.

      • SC says:

        Honestly, THEY were physically repulsed by me eating something that DIDN’T require being drowned in white sauce, butter or heavy cream.

        I ordered a meat-lover’s pizza at a place near the Eiffel Tower, for reference. The waiter was so offended, and I was sitting there wondering how he could’ve expected anything different from an American kid eating at a diner across the street from France’s biggest tourist attraction.

  6. SC says:

    Someone’s about to find themselves to be very full of bullet holes. Quick pro-tip – don’t suddenly grab the paranoid security detail. It doesn’t end well.

    This also tends to apply to grumpy British ex-detectives with an unhealthy obsession with firearms of all calibers and the ability to summon them into her hand on a whim.

    Shades: Oi! I’m not grumpy, you tit!

    Of course you’re not.

  7. BatJamags says:

    nothing to say here…no witty remarks or anything just the story

    … Then why do you have an author’s note?!

  8. BatJamags says:

    “Boss, why are we here?” Hikaru asked.

    It’s one of life’s great mysteries, isn’t it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God, watching everything? Y’know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don’t know, man. But it keeps me up at night.

  9. BatJamags says:

    Although it is kind of pointless to try to talk a rabid fanboy out of shipping an OTP.

    Like AmyxFuck-Shit?

    • SC says:

      Or my recent newfound enjoyment of PharMercy in the Overwatch fandom.

      That I can admit this casually, however, proves that I’m not rabid about it – rabid fanboys would make it as far as the name of their ship and then dissolve into blubbering love poetry bordering on restraining order levels of unnerving.

  10. BatJamags says:

    He was sitting with Hunny who had a comically over large moustache,

    I’m glad the author pointed out the fact that it was comical. Otherwise, it might actually have been funny.

  11. BatJamags says:

    “in the style of Alsace”, which I think is the north-east part of France near Germany.

    The Germans would tell you that it’s the southwest part of Germany near France, but they’ve been proven wrong on the subject two or three times.

  12. Delta XIII says:

    By the way, something I just noticed: this riff is numbered 1703, but the one before it is unnumbered, and the one before that is 1699.
    So what the *BLEEP* happened?

    • GhostCat says:

      Sort of a combination of things; looks like whomever scheduled the previous post forgot to number it, and I miscounted when I scheduled my post earlier this week, so whomever scheduled Saturday’s post just continued the sequence without thinking about it. Should be fixed now.

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