1690: Scarlet – Chapter Four, Five, Six, and Seven

Title: Scarlet
Author: sadnesseggxxx
Media: Movies
Topic: Scream
Genre: Romance & Spiritual
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by Angie, Andilliteman, Hiraani, Jeffrey, Niel, and Hansel… and a Banana

Bla bla bla disclaimer.

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 15

We’re finishing this bitch, Andy.

Andy: Screw you! This fic sucks!

Well yeah, that’s kinda the point. *snort*

Andy: But… But… It sucks so much!

And I had to suffer through the first two chapters alone.

Andy: *Pouts* Can we at least get food?

You asked for this. *sigh* And sure.

Andy: Yay! Banana, go get us some Jack-in-the-Box!

Fuck yeah, get me a cheeseburger. And maybe fries and shake? I’m really fucking hungry.

Andy: You know what I like.

*Banana nods and leaves the chamber*

*pulls up another chair for Andy to sit at her desk*

Andy: Thanks. Alright, enough screwing around. Let’s get to this.

2 weaks latr

I haven’t heard of ‘2 weaks’. I’ve heard of a fortnight.

Andy: I was thinking of one of my board games, if someone gets hit with a double debuff, I could say something like “two weaks,” but I don’t think that’s what the author is talking about.

Maybe she’s 2 weak to continue writing? I hope so.

Andy: Me, too. But alas, it’s not the case.


scratlet tryin tuh git ppl 2 sterp beng aginst gad. sudanly, scratlet sayw trever aproching here. sehe tat he was gona be a r00d ashole porno maker agin, tub he loked alot niser.

Andy: I was barely able to read that. I don’t even know what to say.

Maybe you should try to respond in its language?

Andy: Good idea. U aer a st00pd peesce of sihthh and i… Nope. Too painful.


“hi scarlet.”

“hu trever…”

Andy: Truly riveting dialogue.

I looked up. It was…a generic white boy that can be replaced in the sequel!



*hits buzzer*


‘um trever imma virgan. besids u brok up with jile 1 tim so idk f i cunt rust yo.” sad screltet

Andy: Oi! Don’t call that guy a cunt. That’s incredibly rude! You’re rude, Scarlet. Very rude.

I thought we were supposed to like this character!

Andy: Unfortunately, I think we are. What a douchebag.

sudanly both mooing tey haer

Andy: So we’re suddenly all cows, now?


*Banana arrives with fast food*

Andy: Ah! Burgers. Thanks, banana!

*Banana grins widely, and nods affirmingly*

“probly just somebudy havng sex no1 neds 2 wory.”
scratlet opeaned teh dur.

Andy: First you randomly call someone a cunt and then you bust into a room where you suspect people are having sex? Wow.

“OMG!” she scremed.

charlie was fuking roby so hardd his ase was gushin blod!11!1!1!11!11!11!111!11!11!1!111111111111111111111

…and nobody was surprised!

Andy: Well, the blood was a little strange. But the OMG was totally unwarranted.

You know what else is unwarranted?

” i cunt askape dem!” scremed scatlet

Another use of the ‘C’ word.

Andy: You walked in on them when you knew they were screwing around! You have no right to complain about them doing it in front of you.

Nah, she’s a Mary Sue.

No no wait wait wait!

NOT A C WORD SUE! Counter: 17

Andy: Banana, I want the Myrtenaster. This Sue’s going to get flash-frozen.



I hope you’re happy.

Andy: I didn’t think I would be, but I am.

“hear, lit me shit nex 2 u, scratlet. sad trever ase he sate don nixt 2 scarlet’s?

Andy: Somebody needs some sex ed. classes.

What’s a scratlet? Is it the offspring of one of those rat things from Ice Age? Scrat was getting kinky.

Andy: Given his luck, I doubt she called him back.

He probably didn’t even get a first date, poor guy.

robby rans 4rum closit.


Andy: Just nod like you know what’s going on.

“their so34 gros.”

Don’t insult their SO34. *takes a bite of hamburger*

charle waked 4rum deh closit n lok it scarlet.

“im sory…”

I mean, clearly not. You’ve had sex with him so many times that it’s getting harder and harder to believe you.

Andy: I’ll just have to take your word for that.

“ur a fukin fagot she sad”

“i cant con-troll mysellfe arund hime. i tri 2 stey stret n listn 2 geezus crist tub i cunt… he gates me so herd, n i relay lov hime. im sory.”

Andy: Geez, man. You literally can’t keep yourself from having sex with this dude? If that’s the case, homosexuality is not your problem. It’s sex addiction. If that’s the case, then, get a friend you don’t have romantic feelings for shadow you whenever you meet your crush. Problem solved!

I imagine he’s just having orgasms at everything like Ebony. *covers mouth*

NOT AN ORGASM SUE! Counter: 19

Kill me.

Andy: The banana should be here with the Myrtenaster any minute. Then I’ll help you with that.

I’ll actually pass.

“ur disguting. teh only ree-son u cunt falow gad is bc ur 2 fukin busi haveng sexes!111!11!” scremed scarlit

For once, Scarlet is right.

Andy: “The Sue Was Right” redemption cookie?


NOT A COOKIE SUE! Counter: 20


Andy: That thing goes off at anything, doesn’t it?

No, only when you mention a Sue. Wait FUCK.

NOT A MENTION SUE! Counter: 21

Andy: Ooohh…

I’m getting to the next line before you can say anything.

trever slamed charlie don. “dont bothr her ok!”

Body slam! Hell yeah! This fic is actually becoming not awful!

cherlie kiced him of nd runned.

Aaand all redemption is gone.

scatlet sihed. “trever, tyvm!” she scremed

Did she just legitimately say ‘tyvm’ in real time?

Andy: I have no idea.

“nyting 3 u babye.” sade trever ass he kised her!

Holy shit!

NOT A MAKEOUT SUE! Counter: 22

Andy: Pfft. Trever’s a brown-noser.


scerlatte piled awey frum trever. ‘wat r u tring 2 du! she scremed

He’s…trying to kiss you? *reads on* Oh my GOD.

trever slammed her to the grund and stuk his penes insid here.

Lemonparty alert! Banana, get the condoms!

*Banana runs and returns with the neighbor’s Pomeranian*

I…I said condoms.

Andy: Yeah, they call those party hats.

“omg treve step rapin me u perve!”

Yeah, seriously. This shit came out of nowhere.

Andy: Isn’t this the gay guy?

This is Scarlet talking to Trevor.

Andy: The gay guy, then.


“I AM PART OF TEH SATIN GAY MAFIA!” stated trever, his erektion in scretlet’s but


Andy: HAHAHAHAHAHAH. That came out of freaking nowhere. Meet the Myrtenaster, Trevor!

*Fires ice bolt at fic*

Holy shit!

Andy: That’s just one of six settings.

“no trever! anal six is 4 gays lik roby and faglie!” she scremed

Ah, but you see, Scarlet…a) he literally just said he was gay, and b) if he is gay, why is he raping you?

Andy: I’ve been wanting to get to that.

“tats teh rainbo hitch” he scremed as he relesed his protein shake into her!

Andy: Ew.

Isn’t Rainbo Hitch a movie?


Andy: Nah, just a gay emblem, it seems.

*snort* I made you look up Rainbo Hitch.

Andy: Yeah. That’s in my internet history, now. By the way, want a fire bolt?

It’s not number one on my Christmas list.

Andy: You’re getting one, anyway.

scerlet cut here rists wit her fangernalls

How sharp are your fucking fingernails?

Andy: I dunno, I’ve seen some girls with some pretty wiggy fingernails.

Are they furries?

Andy: Nah, just really prettied up.


Who’s Hansel? I should name my Banana that. The one you gave me.

Andy: Not a bad name. Certainly more creative than what I’ve named some of mine.

Yeah, I mean, this one is just named Banana. *gestures to Banana*

Andy: Yeah, most of them are. I also have a Dingus in there, somewhere, and a couple of Greens.

Should I bring up my interns for a little bit? To help review as well?

Andy: Sure, why not?


*Hiraani, Jeffrey, Niel, and Hansel walk into room*

Hiraani: *tiredly rubs eyes* Huh?

You’re gonna help us review this.

Jeffrey: Oh, goddamnit.

Andy: They’re cute.

Jeffrey isn’t. He’s ugly as fuck.

Jeffrey: You realise I’m standing right behind you.

Andy: I was complimenting Angie. But, yeah, you’re a pretty cute lot.

shee sate in the skul hal 4 ours



Niel: Sue?

Angie and Andy: GODDAMNIT!

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 23

Sorry about him, he’s a problem child.

Andy: It’s alright. I have one that’s pretty annoying.

Hiraani: This one likes to destroy things, but Jeffrey wanted him so we stole him from a one shot.

Andy: Ooh, that’s a cool story. Most of mine are just ripped from my roleplays.

Jeffrey: Angie robbed my house and took me.

Ah, back to the story!


Andy: Hahahaha… Heh… Rape is bad. I hate violence against women, sexual crimes, all that stuff. It gets me fuming like you wouldn’t believe. But this is just stupid.

Hiraani: Sometimes I wonder what these authors are thinking.

Also, they shot her one-hundred billion times? Seriously? I’d math the crap out of that to quantify the stupid there, but I don’t care to.

Niel: Math!

Oh, shut up.

Andy: Wait, also, did they kill her? Ding dong, the…. Annoying protagonist of this fic… Is dead!

Jeffrey: I’m not sure if that’s how the song goes.

Andy: It’s called a parody, Hiraani.

Hiraani: Ummm…?

Andy: Yeah?

Jeffrey: My name isn’t Hiraani.

Andy: Oh? It isn’t? Sorry, I suck with names.

a/n u c hao eval grays kin bea?!11!11!1!11111!1!

there al a spun of satin!111!1

Well. Maybe just the one you introduced, hon.

Andy: Yeah, you can’t really prove your author tract using a story you came up with. I don’t think there’s a gay mafia who randomly rapes *rolls eyes* women and unloads an inconceivable amount of ammunition in them. You just came up with that. Therefore: Invalid argument.

Jeffrey: That’s where you’re wrong. I’m pretty sure Angie is part of the gay mafia.

You weren’t supposed to reveal that!

Andy: It honestly makes me feel a little more comfortable with the way I tease you sometimes.


scerkey waked 2 charlie’s hose

Hiraani: Why just the hose? Also, is the author even trying to get Scarlet’s name right anymore?

Andy: In this world of Google, spell-check and Dictionary.com, I think it’s pretty much impossible to get grammar this bad without being a troll.

Jeffrey: Unless you’re Angie.

I’m right here.

Andy: You haven’t met my grandfather.

“omg wat”

Idk lol. XD

god came 2 her


Hiraani: *slaps Angie in the back of the head*

Andy: Seriously, that one’s too easy. *Pokes Angie with Myrtenaster*


Hiraani: Huh. Alright, shall we continue?


Andy: I imagine I’d have a bit more than that to say to God.

“only u gots teh power 2 sterp dem homos!”

Hiraani: Definitely not the CIA. Or Obama. Or…God.

“ok god!”

“i luv u scerlit. u remand me of teh virgin maery.” sade god

Andy: Who, believe it or not, was not a virgin, considering Jesus’ brothers are mentioned later. She was also picked because of her willingness to follow God, not her homophobia.

Hiraani: I feel like this needs to add a few counts.

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 24

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 25

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 26

Hiraani: There we go.

he give her swerd

Andy: Can this sword control time and shoot fire bolts? I don’t think so.

Jeffrey: Speaking of controlling time… *glances at Angie* maybe we should unfreeze her.

Andy: Yeah, probably. I miss her. You guys might want to stand back.

*Activates Myrtenaster inferno mode and swings*

*falls to ground* Okay…phew. What did I miss?

Andy: The Sue just got Sue-er. God gave her a sword to kill the gays with.


NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 27

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 28

Wait. Why 27? *glares at Hiraani*

Hiraani: I like how you automatically assume it was me.

Andy: Yeah. You’re too cute to be innocent.

Hiraani: Oh shut up.

“butts” god said, flyin awey

Haha, you said butt.

scerlit loks in da winder

Andy: What’s a winder?

Hiraani: Does it count as a buzzer?


NOT AN EMO SUE! Counter: 29


Andy: Yeah, little less cute, now.

charlei was wedjed betwin robbie and trever ass dey hade sexes

Andy: Ew. EW EW EW.

Hiraani: *covers Angie’s eyes*

Thank you, hon.

charlies hot face went reed wit exersion as he let go of his coton candy flavered cum (c dose dat sownd stewpid?)

Andy: Yeah, but not for the reasons you è think.

Jeffrey: Cotton candy flavoured cum?

Niel: Candy!

Andy: You do NOT want that candy.

Niel: No candy? *sad face, looks up at Hiraani*

Hiraani: Oh, sweetie.

scerlet loked on in angry ass shee felt heir cunt goo weet.

Jeffrey: C*nt goo?

Niel: Candy!

sudanly, kirby shoved a tree in scarlet’s vagina except it wasnt a tree it was KIRBYS SECRET PENIS


Oh yeah, this may or may not be a Super Smash Bros crossover.

Andy: What did I do to deserve this?

Hiraani: You became friends with Angie.

Andy: Nobody asked you.

Hey, don’t insult her.

Andy: Sorry.

“wat r u dung carby!” scremed scarlet

I agree. I am very confused.

Andy: Well, a cotton candy baby is raping her with a tree, and I’m starting to think this homophobic author may be a little bit homophilic, if you know what I mean.

*says sex in sign language*

“omg kirby u have a secret penis? come wit us. itll be fun.” charlie said dragging kirby thru teh winder

Andy: Yeah, how do you have a secret penis? Especially one as big as a TREE.

I guess she’s trans.

Andy: Where would she keep it?

In her pants.

“grup seex is ginst teh bibel!” scremed scerlet butt no1 herd here

Jeffrey: God, what isn’t against the bible in this story?

I don’t even know anymore.

Scarlet cried.

Hiraani: This fic has a serious problem with show don’t tell.

Andy: It makes up for it through its crappy grammar.

You call it a make up, I call it an aggressive set back.

“God help me i need help help me!”

“what is it scarlet” god stroked his beard.

Hiraani: Has he just been here the entire time?

“i dont wanna kill charlie i stile love hime!”

Andy: Nobody said to kill them!

I’m fairly certain this entire fic is about killing gay people.

Andy: That’s fair. Can I blast it?

Hiraani: Blast away!

*Jeffrey, Niel and Hansel leave so as not to be attacked*

*Andy swings the Myrtenaster, firing a blinding white bolt at the fic*

a scream of pleasure erected from da house as that tranny homo male kirby got socked off by charlie.

This author just finds joy in being a dick, doesn’t she?

Andy: I think you could have used a better term.

Well, I’ve already used unimaginable bitch.

“ok well need 2 take moar drastik mesures.”

Andy: More drastic than what you’ve already done!?

Hiraani: Is that even humanly possible?

Andy: I don’t think you should ask that of a fic author, just in case the answer is no.

“like wat?”

scarlet cryed.

Hiraani: Another quick answer is ‘it can always get worse.’

Yeah, but we’re so close to the end.

“to cure charlie of da homo disese and make sure he doesnt go to hell u will need to make him do the macerena, shove a broomstick up his ass, sing a justin beiber song 49 tims strait, mak him eat 2 pizzas whole, and then press up up down down left right left right b a on a keybord.”

Andy: DIE!

…uh… I have no idea what’s going on.

Hiraani: I’m not explaining again.

“that sounds hard”

“not as hard as his dick is rite now.”

I was gonna make that joke, but God beat me to it.

Andy: Yeah, it’s not really fair.

“ok god ill do it”

Merely because he’s God.

Hiraani: What if she was using his name in vain?


god faded away and scarlit new she was redy 4 da chalenge charlie wasnt gon be a homo no more!



Ah, finally this shitfest is done. Thank you, Andilliteman, for joining.

Andy: Whatever. I’m going to be in the next room over testing my new hyper-blaster.

You might want to skip that goodbye. *holds up another manuscript* We have a lot more to go through.

Andy: Crapmuffins.


10 Comments on “1690: Scarlet – Chapter Four, Five, Six, and Seven”

  1. BatJamags says:


    That might possibly be the best thing I’ve ever heard. Though I’m not sure whether it’s funnier as the satin gay mafia or the Satan gay mafia. I think I prefer the first one.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      So… a troupe of sharply dressed homosexual gentlemen in satin mafia apparel and fedoras that randomly break into bigoted asshats’ houses and tear them asunder with tommyguns?

      All my yes!

  2. BatJamags says:

    b) if he is gay, why is he raping you?

    Generally, rape is more of an especially violent power play than anything to do with sexual attraction. I’m not very well-versed in the subject (since it’s, you know, kind of disturbing), but my understanding is that it’s not unheard of for rapists to attack people who they’re not otherwise compatible with.

  3. BatJamags says:


    100,000,000,000… A typical pistol clip has, what, eight bullets or so? That means 12,500,000,000 clips total or 6,250,000,000 carried by each of them. If they can fire one bullet a second, they should be done shooting Scarlet in about… 1,587 years and six months, if I've done my math correctly.

  4. BatJamags says:

    “omg wat”

    Idk lol. XD


  5. BatJamags says:

    u will need to make him do the macerena, shove a broomstick up his ass, sing a justin beiber song 49 tims strait, mak him eat 2 pizzas whole, and then press up up down down left right left right b a on a keybord.”

    So… God is fucking with her, right?

    “that sounds hard”

    “not as hard as his dick is rite now.”


    Yeah, yeah he is.

  6. Leider Hosen says:

    What’s a scratlet? Is it the offspring of one of those rat things from Ice Age? Scrat was getting kinky.

    Huh…. I’m just going to purge that mental image. *Headdesk*

  7. Leider Hosen says:


    *snerk* Oh no. The diminutive little shit is being assassimurdered by the mafia.

    Abrelepine: We should intervene *passes popcorn*

    *Pontiff Sulyvahn cranks up feuer frei on the stereo*

  8. Leider Hosen says:

    “only u gots teh power 2 sterp dem homos!”

    Is she going to distroy them all the bad guys?

  9. Leider Hosen says:

    Andy: Well, a cotton candy baby is raping her with a tree, and I’m starting to think this homophobic author may be a little bit homophilic, if you know what I mean.

    …I feel the overwhelming urge to contemplate my existence and what has lead me to this point.

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