1689: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Thirteen, Part Five

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Thirteen
Critiqued by SC, Scarlet, and Sir Paulo Rori

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, joined by Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, and last time, Alex got his shit back, the author remembered Isaac exists again, and some motherfucking slob poured Bleach into the fic.

This week, we FINALLY get back to Sannabe, which is another thing I never thought I’d be happy to say, given that I’ve made it painfully clear how little I appreciate my favorite female protagonist getting bastardized like this. We’re also pretty near to the end of the chapter, so if I can’t finish it off in this part, it’ll definitely happen in the next one, and hopefully chapter fourteen will be shorter.

But with that in mind, let’s get back to the riff:

Back Outside
Back with San

A cold wind brushed against san’s uncovered arms and legs, making her shiver. Even the heat from the small fire the apes had built for her couldn’t stop the coldness from creeping over her.

I see Sannabe’s been listening to some Within Temptation recently.

Paulo: A musical troupe, I take it?

We call them “bands” here, but yeah. I can’t decide what their genre is, but I rather like it.

Scarlet: According to the internet, they’re classified as symphonic metal and frequently likened to goth.

Makes sense.

As the young Wolf Girl sat hugging her legs to her chest, she looked up through the canopy of the forest and gazed at the moon that shined brightly in the night sky. So badly did she want to howl, to let out all her frustrations, anger, sorrow, and agitation in a single, blood-chilling bellow.

Scarlet: My dear, howling and bellowing are not the same action.

She gets weird looks from other wolves because she screams at the moon.

Paulo: And here, she’s under the impression that humans are scared of her combat prowess.

Nobody tell her.

Her assault on the human’s Iron-Town had been a failure, the gun-woman had humiliated her, and to make matters worse, she had to rely upon the selfless acts of a turn-coat human to save her from being beaten to death by a mob of raging villagers.

I’m still stumped as to how she came out of that shit-kicking with only minor bruising.

Scarlet: A pack of angry villagers was beating her brains out, and she walks away merely bruised? I can’t name a single member of my family who hasn’t obtained at least one permanent, grisly scar from lesser incidents! What is her secret?

Paulo: Intervention by the higher power that is the author of this story.

Scarlet: Ah, so, something our own author would never do for us, then?

If you fuckers wanna go and get mob stomped, that’s fine, but like hell I’m gonna let you walk away with baby-smooth features and a little nosebleed.

San growled at this and bit down on one of the roots the apes had brought for her to fill her stomach. As she chewed she scowled. The human she had come to know as ‘Alex’ was like nothing she had ever encountered before. No matter how had she tried, the young Wolf Girl found herself unable to figure him out and it annoyed her beyond reason.

Really? You’re having trouble pegging him? Because I’ve been nailing him to a wall ad nauseum since I first started riffing this fic.

She then picked up the jacket Alex had left behind and stared at it for what seemed like the one hundredth time since she had first picked it up from off the ground.

*Alarms Blare*

See? I told you the alarm would be fine.

Scarlet: Well, color me surprised.

Despite its distasteful smell of a human on it, San felt a strange feeling of comfort looking at it. It was strange to her… but the scent it was giving off… his scent… it was comforting.

*Alarms Blare, BUT AT A LOUDER VOLUME*

Okay, I already want to shoot it again.

Paulo: Speak up, sir! I can’t hear you over this horrid noise!

Scarlet: “Sleek cup, stir, I can dear you older fish porridge boys?!” What the hell does that mean?!

I wonder why he wears his?‘ San asked herself, wrapping the jacket around her shoulders as she looked at it. ‘Maybe it’s some kind of armor… like my fur cloak?

Scarlet: Oh, my apologies, I was under the impression that a wild, wolf-raised girl wouldn’t know what armor was?

Paulo: Given that she just classified fur as armor, I would venture to say that your logic holds true.

I mean, fur is armor in Skyrim. Really crappy starter-level armor, that is. But then again, you could get away with being butt naked in Skyrim and still dominate the world with the power of your lung capacity, so I guess that’s not really a fair example.

she removed the piece of garment and looked at it again. ‘Or is there some other reason behind it?‘ San shook her head and sighed with disgust. “Look at me, I’ve wasted nearly an hour thinking about a stupid piece of garment! A stupid human’s garment!”

Hey, we’ve gone on tangents about even more mundane shit than that before. Hell, we were talking about fashion sense and preferred hair length just one part ago.

She then chucked the jacket aside and wrapped her white-fur cloak around her cold body. ‘Stupid human!…stupid, stupid, stupid!

Starting to sound like Gollum there, Sannabe.

Paulo: I dare not ask.

If you thought that would spare you, YOU WERE WRONG, MOTHERFUCKER!

Paulo: Why do you hate me, sir?

There was a crunch of dry leaves and twigs being crushed under a foot.

…Yeah, that’s usually why they crunch, author. Nowhere, in any book, ever, has there been a need to clarify that.

When the sound touched San’s ears she sprung into a defensive stance, “Who’s there!” she growled as she slowly reached her dagger, making ready for anything that came to threaten her, “Come any closer and I’ll kill you!”

Scarlet: Surprisingly, acting paranoid and making statements that practically scream, “I have no idea where you are and my emotions are as taut as a rapidly-fraying rope” does very little to convince your would-be attacker that you’re a force to be reckoned with.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s nice to see you too, Princess,” Alex retorted as he moved towards the fire and sat across from the battle-ready Wolf Girl. “Hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long.” He then began to devour the small pile of berries and roots the apes had been left for them, “Hmmm, this stuff isn’t too bad. Reminds me of when me and my family would go strawberry farming.”

I’ll presume he meant “strawberry picking,” because I have every doubt that Alex was ever a farmer.

Paulo: Before I was a knight, I was a peasant farm boy. Alex and his family have never even see a berry field, and he cannot lie to the contrary and expect me to believe it.

Scarlet: …I’ve been given food from farmlands as repayment for driving off bandits, does that count as farming?

Paulo: Not… exactly, no, but it is a very kind gesture.

San snuffed, and slowly sank back into her original sitting position. “Here’s your prized jacket back,” she said curtly as she threw it back to him, which he caught, “You’ll have to get past the smell. I was holding on to it for a while, so my scent’s pretty much on it.”

Oddly enough, it smells a bit like Roquefort cheese.

Paulo: Roquefort?

French people would have you believe that it’s classy, but in my personal opinion, it smells like ass and tastes like shit.

Scarlet: I’ll never understand why cheese that looks and tastes awful is somehow “better” than cheese that tastes like something I’d actually like to eat.

Well, maybe not always. There’s a type of cheese made in… either Mexico or Spain, I think, that’s actually illegal where I live because it has literal maggots in it.

Paulo: Would you kindly not put me off my tea with your disgusting trivia?!

“I like this jacket,” Alex said between mouthfuls of berries. “It gives me a sense of security when I wear it,” and he smiled as he looked at it, “That… and it was a gift from my mother.” he then decided to tease the princess a bit as he winked at her, “And besides… you smell nice, so I don’t mind.”

“And what exactly does that mean?” San shot out, getting ready to tear the boy’s head off.

Alex held his hands up defensively as he smirked, “Just kidding.”

Scarlet: This was almost touching until he decided to antagonize the kill-happy wild child with a chip on her shoulder.

Yeah, he’s been doing that since they first met, and has yet to come to any harm from it, strangely.

Paulo: All the stranger when you stop and realize that this same woman has probably played a hand in killing people for lesser slights.

Scarlet: I mean, in fairness, I do that to people as well, but I at least have the excuse of being someone you definitely don’t want to fuck with. Alex has shown to be whiny and useless more than anything else, so what’s keeping Sannabe from kicking the piss out of him?

Shoddy romance subplot.

Scarlet: Ah, one of those.

“Figures,” the young Wolf Girl muttered as she had calmed down. It was after an uncomfortable moment of silence, that she then gave Alex a questioning look. “So what did the Forest King want with you?” she asked, “You were down in that cave for a long time.”

The young outlander crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow, “It took a lot longer with what he had to discuss with me. What’s it to you?”

San blinked then scowled. “You don’t have get hostile,” she replied.

It was at a moment, Alex’s smile returned as he snickered, “San, I think you’re the last person who should be criticizing me about being ‘hostile’,” he then pointed to her as he winked to make his statement true, “After all, you’re the one who’s been threatening to kill me every ten minutes since I dragged your unconscious butt out of Iron-Town.”

For once, Alex has a point. Sannabe’s been nothing but a rude bitch up to now.

San growled, fighting her every urge to lunge forward and rip Alex’s throat out,

Scarlet: Case in point!

“I didn’t ask you to help me, you know. I’m not afraid to die… unlike you,” she hissed. “I would have rather died than be rescued by a human.”

The dark-haired youth could only stare, wondering as to whether or not he had heard his new and very reluctant friend correctly. He looked at her with a face of worried shock as he asked, “You don’t really mean that, do you?”

“Yes, Alex,” San answered grimly, “I do. I thought I could kill that gun-woman by myself. But I was wrong, and I failed miserably.” She scowled even more and balled her fists tightly, and shot Alex a look of both hatred and disgust as she went on, “And then you had to rescue me! You! Do you have any idea what it’s like to be saved by one of the very things you loathe more than anything in the world? Do you have any idea at all?”

Alex was silent as he looked into San’s piercing chestnut eyes. “No,” he finally answered as he turned away sadly, making absolutely sure that San couldn’t see his face, “I don’t know what it’s like to be saved by something you loathe.”

“Then don’t you dare sit there, and tell me what I do and what don’t mean to say! Because you can’t even begin to understand how I feel right now!” She then gave him a spiteful glare, as her anger and pride got the best of her, “If I had died back in that Iron town, it would have been with honor.” she then snarled at Alex as she spat out, “But you cheated me, human! I should have killed you for saving me! And now I have to live with the shame it’s caused m…”

Scarlet: You know, ever since you first heard that I choose to discard such terminology as honor, you’ve been giving me an odd look, sir knight. Care to hear why it is?

Paulo: I cannot imagine that any excuse is a good one, but by all means.

Scarlet: It’s because of idiots like Sannabe, there, who like to take such words and bastardize their meaning, to the point of it no longer representing what it was intended to, then flaunting that wretched image about as though theirs is the path of righteousness. Honor, as I know it, is behaving in such a way that deserves to be respected – standing tall in the face of impossible odds, being charitable even if you’ve little to offer, being man enough to forgive when others would feud for the rest of their days, that sort of thing. But Sannabe’s definition of honor seems to imply that it’s okay to just throw down your sword whenever something doesn’t go your way. I feel like her little world would turn on its head if she were ever to hear that there’s no honor in that. That’s called “giving up,” and where I come from, people who give up deserve whatever fate befalls them.

Paulo: So, then, you discard honor because it’s become a beast you no longer recognize?

Scarlet: Yes. And because of that, no matter what I do, it will always be treachery to someone. I figure, what point is there in trying to be honorable, when it’s an impossible task in and of itself, thanks to how people have gone and butchered the term over the years? I may as well just say and do as I please, and whatever respect I do or don’t garner from that will be my “honor.”

Paulo: …Well, placed in that light, suddenly I think I understand you better than I did.

As enlightening as this discussion is, I’m going to go ahead a cut a lot of shit out here. This pretty quickly dissolves into overly sappy, “don’t throw your life away because you think you failed” talk. In a good story, I would be compelled to read it, but we’re not riffing a good story, here.

San glanced at her human companion briefly before drawing her legs to her chest, and wrapping her arms around them once more. “I never figured you for the philosophical type.”

“Yeah, my dad said I take after my mother mostly than I do him.” Alex laughed and smiled at the wolf girl, “But believe me, Princess, I think over time, you’ll come to see that I’m just full of surprises.”

Pfft. Here’s a brief summary of what I cut out: Alex is all, “Throwing your life away is stupid! Life is precious! Don’t be a dumbass because you’re too proud to accept failure!” And then Sannabe is all, “Fuck you, kid.” And then Alex is all, “Look, I don’t know much about pride, but I do know that choosing to die because you think you let people down is really dumb!” And then San is all, “But-but-but!” And then Alex is all, “No, you stop that.”

In fairness, he’s not wrong, but at the same time, he ain’t no Socrates, y’dig? What Scarlet was talking about by his definition of honor versus that of others is more philosophical than Alex trying to teach Sannabe that not dying is a cool thing.

San shared his laugh and shook her head. “I seriously doubt that, human,” she said with a smug look on her face.

For a long time the two of them sat there, silent as statues, while soaking up what little warmth from the fire they could. San could smell the scent of Alex’s jacket, as well as Alex himself. There was something very strange about the youth’s scent that made San’s nose tingle whenever it swept through her nostrils. And though it made her shiver all over admitting it, there was something almost… pleasant and warm about it. She shook the thoughts from her head and continued to gaze at the fire.

Paulo: I have never seen anyone so determined to not make friends before.

Well, you have now.

It was then that the strange gold band on Alex’s right wrist caught her attention. Narrowing her eyes on it, the golden band’s crimson jewel sparkled the moonlight, catching her eye on it, ‘That’s strange. I didn’t think male humans would wear jewelry, she thought to herself before asking Alex.

Realistically, Sannabe should know nothing about the concept of jewelry, given her rugged upbringing.

Scarlet: All I know of jewelry is that it has the word “jewel” in it.

I mean, you’re pretty close to the mark.

“That gold band on your wrist,” she asked, nearly surprising him. “You seem to look at it constantly. You keep staring at it like it’s about to eat you.”

…Kinda, yeah.

Paulo: It would very much like to.

Alex tilted his head towards San and gasped when he saw her looking at the band.

Scarlet: “You only love me for my fashion sense!”

“How could you?!”

Paulo: “I thought we were something special!”

Not wanting to make her want to kill him even further,

Too late.

he covered up half the truth,

Like, just enough to leave its feet sticking out from under the blanket.

Scarlet: Forget leaving your feet out, Mesythian nights get so damn hot that it’s not uncommon to see someone sleeping spread-eagle, in the buff, with all their sheets thrown on the floor, just to make the temperature a slight bit more bearable.

Paulo: Surely there must have been some means of cooling themselves down?

Scarlet: If you’ve been paying attention to anything I’ve said about my homeland at all, you’ll know that this isn’t the case, because nobody wants to look like a pansy by admitting that their houses are too hot at night.

So, your people are the stupid kind of warrior people, then?

Scarlet: The warriors themselves, no, and certainly not the king, or the clan of my upbringing. But the regular civilians who try and emulate the warriors are unbelievably dull.

“Let’s just say… it’s a reminder of why I’m here at the time.” he pointed to it as he nervously smirked, “I always look at it to make sure the gem doesn’t break. Otherwise, I’ll be in deep trouble.”

Scarlet: By which, he of course means, he’ll be in pretty much no trouble at all, because the curse will simply consume his body and turn him into a superhero or something.

Yeah, because the author doesn’t know how curses work.

San raised an eyebrow, not understanding what he was talking about, but left it at that. He then glanced at San who was giving him a very strange look, “But thank you for making sure my jacket was safe. I owe you one, San.”

“No!” San protested, “No more rescues from you, I’ve already had my fill for one lifetime.” She gave Alex a small, impish grin, “But there is one thing I would like you to do for me.”

“Just name it, and it shall be done,” Alex replied. He immediately kicked himself mentally, upon realizing that he had just accepted to fulfill a request from the viscous Princess Mononoke, ‘D’oh! You idiot! Why’d you say that? You don’t know what she’s gonna ask you to do! For all you know, it’s gonna be… !

And then San whipped out a Christmas list and was all, “Make sure that Santa fucker actually gets this one.”

Paulo: What?

Scarlet: It’s true, I have Sannabe’s list here. Alex is apparently stupid enough to believe that any white-haired man wearing all red is Santa Claus and just kind of stuffed it in my pocket.

And you let him?

Scarlet: Had I not been so startled, I’d have taken his hands under the assumption that he was a pickpocket.

…Well, we’ll have to take a look at it next week, because as hard as I tried to end this chapter today, I simply can’t. I got a decent way through this last bit, though!

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! We are DEFINITELY-probably-(maybe?) gonna end this chapter next week, God willing, and finally get to something that isn’t… well, what this chapter has been. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, I’ll see you next time!

…Actually, screw it, I wanna see what that list says now.

Scarlet: “For Christmas this year, I want to destroy all filthy human scum, starting with that Eboshi bitch.”

Paulo: …I cannot say that I am surprised.

And here I was, expecting something different.

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9 Comments on “1689: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Thirteen, Part Five”

  1. BatJamags says:

    Well, maybe not always. There’s a type of cheese made in… either Mexico or Spain, I think, that’s actually illegal where I live because it has literal maggots in it.

    What a disgusting waste of perfectly good maggots.

  2. BatJamags says:

    he winked to make his statement true,

    That’s not how that works.

  3. BatJamags says:

    In fairness, he’s not wrong, but at the same time, he ain’t no Socrates, y’dig? What Scarlet was talking about by his definition of honor versus that of others is more philosophical than Alex trying to teach Sannabe that not dying is a cool thing.

    … Which really serves to reinforce the fact that he isn’t Socrates, now that I think about it.

  4. BatJamags says:

    viscous

    *SNERK*


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