1684: The Girl – Chapter TwoPosted: February 12, 2017
Title: The Girl
Topic: The Outsiders
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by Angie
Uses of ‘Soc’ and ‘Greaser’ are not meant to be offensive, and are merely meant as part of the source material.
Howdy, you beautiful group of freaks. My name is Angie, and I’d like to welcome y’all back to another edition of The Girl.
Upon reading more into Marissa (seriously, who names their kid Marissa) on her Fanfiction bio, I have come upon the realisation that she is currently approximately 30. Personally, I don’t think anything Outsiders can be made if not by a teenager. Hell, look at the film adaption.
But, seeing as I was a bit harsh last time on a fic that might not deserve it, I’ve decided to give The Girl a second chance. Here we go.
Chapter 2: Ponyboy
I’m frankly a bit excited to get through this. It’s better than Scarlet, at least. (Although that’s not saying much, is it?)
I didn’t hear or see Riley for three weeks.
You may or may not need a ‘from’ in that sentence, but frankly I just woke up sick so my mind’s not in the right place regardless.
The first week I sat up, waiting to see if she’d come over, but after that I gave up hope.
You know the saying. If at first you don’t succeed, never ever try again as long as you live.
Also, ‘sat up’? I’m not even going to try to interpret that.
She was middle class of course, maybe she found someone else more her type to help her, or maybe she had lied and was mugged that night.
Either way, I don’t see the use of Riley completely boycotting Ponyboy. Maybe it’s because they’re different groups, or maybe…gasp…she LOVES HIM?
God, I hope not.
I didn’t give it much thought after a week, just went about my day.
*sneezes aggressively, head knocking onto desk and hitting the DRD button*
*BLARING ALARMS BLARE*
*squeaky voice* I need to lie down.
It was Saturday night, raining and cold outside. Darry was in the kitchen doing dishes, Sodapop and I were in the living room watching tv. There was a knock at the door and we all stared at each other.
Aye, but aren’t you in different rooms? Can you see through walls?
“Who the hell knocks?” Darry asked, looking confused.
Yeah, now we just pry open the windows like assholes.
I shrugged. “I’ll get it…” I got up and opened the door; there stood a soaking wet Riley, no coat and shaking. “Riley?”
You know damn well that it’s Riley. Help her. You have no time.
She sniffed slightly and I noticed her eyes were red.
Well, I know what she’s been doing.
“May I come in for a bit…?” She sounded even weaker than she did the last time.
Well, that’s depressing.
“Yeah…yeah…come in, come in…sorry the place is a mess…” I stepped aside and she walked in, she reminded me of a deer that had lost their mom.
She was still shaking as she walked in and stopped, looking at me. “This way, come sit.” I said, ushering her into the living room.
After all, a vampire can’t come in without permission.
Sodapop immediately jumped up. “Hi!” He sounded confused.
He sounded confused, huh? There was…absolutely no way to incorporate that into the way he said ‘Hi’ to Riley? *groan*
“Hi…” Riley replied slowly, looking down quickly.
The use of ‘slowly’ and ‘quickly’ in that sentence perfectly describe this entire fic. Congrats, let me change the blurb on FanFiction.
“Guys this is a friend of mine from school…Riley…Riley
Riley Riley Riley Riley…Riley.
that’s Sodapop and the guy in the kitchen is Darry, they’re my brothers.”
That was such a poorly worded sentence that it’s increasingly hard to make fun of it. I just…God, Marissa. Read a book. Learn how to write.
I pointed to the couch. “Have a seat, I’ll get you a towel to dry off.”
I refuse to believe there was nobody else Riley passed that offered to help her. Couldn’t she have gone into a convenience store? Sure, 7 Elevens aren’t the best place to get yourself together (a woman died in my local 7-11 a few months ago), but it’s better than nothing.
She walked over and sat down, looking away from Sodapop as if she was embarrassed. I didn’t want to question her, so I walked into the kitchen. “Darry are the towels in the dryer dry?”
That’s not exactly a redundant phrase, but like. If they’re in the dryer, and they’ve been through a cycle, I’m fairly certain they should be dry, Pony. Do you not know how dryers work?
Darry grabbed my arm to stop me. “Where do you know her from?”
Woah, fuck, dude. Darry needs to chill.
“She goes to school with me…she’s harmless…”
He looked at her then looked back at me. “What happened to her eye?”
I was struck dumb. “What are you talking about?”
You’re telling me that Riley has a fucked up eye that Pony didn’t even notice? I highly fucking doubt that.
“Go check it out…” Darry whispered. “I’ll get a towel and some ice.”
Darry is the only sensible person in this fic. Which pisses me off.
I stood there still dumbfounded. Darry came back in with a towel, got some ice and walked into the living room. I followed.
Such blatant sentences. There’s no meat to this story, I swear to God.
Darry walked over to Riley. “Hey…I’m Darry…” He put the towel on her shoulders. “I got some ice for your eye.”
I’m not sure that’s how the saying goes, my friend.
Riley looked up at him. “Thanks…” That’s when I saw it. Her right eye was black and blue, it look worst then eye had.
*Angie goes silent*
I…I can’t even begin to comprehend what you just said.
I walked over to her. “Riley, are you ok?”
Oh my—you need Jesus, Riley. And that’s coming from me.
She sounded slightly frantic. “I’m fine, please…please don’t fuss…I’m not gonna be here long, I swear.”
Jesus fucking Christ, man. Even Dally isn’t this brainless.
I sat down next to her. “No, stay here tonight…we don’t mind, right guys.” I looked at them and they were both quiet. “See…you want something to eat or drink?”
Your brothers don’t say anything, and then you just immediately assume they agree. Jesus-fuck, is everyone in this fic dumb as a door nail?
“Could I just have some water please?”
Sodapop laughed. “Didn’t get enough outside?”
*sigh* Yes. Yes they are.
Riley blushed and I shot Sodapop a dirty look to keep his mouth shut. He got up and walked into the kitchen with Darry. I handed Riley an ash tray. “You can smoke in here…I’ll be right back…”
Since when do the Curtises care about ash trays? It ain’t gonna make a difference, it’s still gonna end up on the floor.
I walked into the kitchen where Sodapop and Darry were waiting for me. Sodapop was sitting at the table while Darry was leaning against the counter with his arms folded.
Hmph! *arms folded* I’m angry because character. Hmph!
Darry glared at me as I walked in. “Who is she and what has she gotten herself into?”
I’m too tired for this shit. Skip!
“I told her she’d be safe here.”
Darry put his arms down and glanced in the living room at Riley then back to me. “Her Dad did that to her?”
Sodapop sighed. “That’s why she looks scared…”
I nodded again. “I told her she’d be safe her…”
Darry nodded. “Yeah, she’s always welcome here…tell her that, I’d rather she was here then getting crap like that…why does he do it?”
I shrugged. “I never really asked her…” I walked back into the living room with the water.
Which is also a really stupid thing Ponyboy just seems to neglect. Wah wah!
Riley was sitting forward on the couch, her head still down and taking a drag from a cigarette.
How does she even have a pack that isn’t soaking? How does she have a pack at all? Didn’t Pony generally describe her as desolate and wet?
I set the water on the coffee table in front of her. “Thanks Ponyboy…” She replied and took a sip then looked at me.
Slam it into her hand!
I put my hand on her cheek and ran my finger slowly along the bottom of her eye. She winced in pain and I pulled back. “Sorry…”
She struggled to smile. “It’s ok…just a bit soar you know.”
Soar what? Fuck, is Riley a bald eagle now? Ugh. Another thing to write down. *pulls out notepad* Riley…is…a chicken. Got it.
I nodded. “What happened?”
You learned that Riley is a furry. *slams hand* Keep with the times!
She tried to laugh, but it sounded more like a sob. “Guess one too many beers gets my dad a little…angry…it’s no big deal, I got in his way.”
Dude. Seriously. Riley just has no fucking brain, does she.
“This isn’t right Riley…
This is very clearly left Riley. Duh.
he shouldn’t do this to you.”
“He’s just a jerk sometimes…it’s no big deal, please don’t make a big deal out of this.”
“Well you can sleep in my bed,
I’ll sleep out here.”
Oh. Hmm. Well then.
She shook her head. “No…I’m not here to be a problem; I’m going to go home in a couple hours.”
“No, stay here…you’ll be safe here I promise.”
Ponyboy is finally not being stupid! Bring out the confetti cannons!
Riley looked at me. “What about your parents?”
I sighed slightly. “They…died a couple years ago; it’s just me and my brothers.”
You couldn’t just say they went to Waffle House and got drunk off their ass and moved to a farm upstate. Nooo.
“I’m sorry…” She squeezed my hand.
“It’s ok, don’t worry about it. My brothers don’t mind, our door is always open if someone needs a place to stay.”
Riley smiled at me, that smile makes me melt. “Thanks Ponyboy…I really appreciate this.”
*sigh* And with that, the chapter ends.
Guys, this one was abysmal. It was so hard to get through. It actually took me around five days to complete. I just…this fic is so boring. If I had it playing as I tried to go to sleep, I’d be schnockered in under a minute. God, I really don’t want to continue with this.
*rubs face* So…hey guys. I’ve unfortunately got a message to make. As some of you may know, I recently lost my dog and my uncle, both in the same two weeks, and…the stuff I used to find comfort in are just…hurting now. Which sucks ass because one of those things is the Library.
There are several fics left in Lyle’s inbox, enough to keep my flow rolling for a little bit, but…please don’t be surprised if things come up silent on my end in the near future. I’ll try as hard as I can to keep the riffs coming, but…really, I can’t make promises.
PSYCH LMAO I AIN’T GOING ANYWHERE. YOU’RE STUCK WITH ME.
*looks down* Join me next time for the conclusion of Scarlet, then The Girl part three.
Third time’s the charm?
*another long sigh*
God, I hope so.
*blows kiss* See y’all soon. This is Angie signing off until…next Sunday? The Monday after…I don’t know. Bye!