1683: On the wings of a dove – oneshot

Title: On the wings of a dove
Author: Starriye
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Twilight
Genre: Humor/Supernatural
URL Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons!

Work has been super-hectic lately so I took the easy way out this week and decided to take the town bicycle of fanfiction out for a spin.

That’s right – this is a Twilight fic!

And, in following the tradition of truly terrible Twilight fics, in some sections it is barely readable. Let me show you the summary.

When Alice see’s some one from edwards past come back to see him and he flea’s. Will bella be in truble when she befriends the enimy? Will edward’s runing put bella in danger?

Yeah … This is going to be rough. But onward to glory!

Edward sighed as Alice sat next to him. “Are you sure?” He asked in hesitation. His onyx eyes looked around his room for something. “Why” He cried out after giving up. He stud up in frustration not knowing what to do.

I am equally frustrated, but for reasons likely for different reasons than Edward is frustrated. And doesn’t Edward have “golden” eyes? I remember that fact being stressed repeatedly; Bella couldn’t shut up about how beautiful Edward’s eyes were.

“Edward” Alice’s voice struck him as her eyes did as she looking at him.

Did she take out her eyes and throw them at Edward? That seems a little severe.

“Bella will fine” She held her hand out to Edward wanting him to sit back down next to her.

Think word you there.

“I don’t want to sit” He growled and fled from his room.

No! :spritzes Edward with spray bottle: Bad sparklepire! Sit! SIT!

“Edward” Alice’s voice called out to him. “She’ll never stop” Alice sighed knowing he wasn’t lisining to here.

Can’t he read minds? He doesn’t really need to listen you you talk since he already knows what’s going on in your head.

He was gone and out the door. “Why dose he all ways bet against me?” Alice mumbled to herself.

He does? What an idiot. What kind of moron bets against a precognitive?

Edward Got in his care and drove. He drove fast and not stopping to look back. He knew it would be know good to stay in forks and up hurting Bella.

:headdesk:

Sweet mercy, not this part of the series. Beela is a whiny little damp washcloth before Edward leaves her “for her own good” and then gets even worse – yet a lot of fanfics seem to be set during this period for some reason.

Bella sat in her room looking out the window.

If this is like the books then she’ll be sitting there for several months while fuck-all happens.

She couldn’t what for Edward to show up and sweep her off her feet.

Because that’s what he does when he isn’t watching her sleep or something equally creepy.

He had something planed for her tonight. That he wouldn’t tell her.

Ouch. I hope it doesn’t involved woodworking tools. No one likes getting planed.

“Bella” Charlie’s voice called form down stairs. “You have a phone call” He finished. Maybe its Edward Bella thought and raced down stairs. Falling down the last three she had to stand up and walked the rest of the way.

Popping her dislocated shoulder back in place as she went.

“Hello” She said fast in to the phone. Wanting to here his his sexy voice badly.

As someone with a mild fetish for good voices, I can respect that.

“Bella” Alice’s soft voice Sang in to the phone which crushed Bella spirit. All Bella wanted was Edward.

Hey, you could do a lot worse than Alice. She has that whole “adorable badass pixie” thing going for her.

“Bella” Alice said once more when Bella didn’t say anything. Bella sighed and looked at the wall.

She’s probably thinking “Why should I bother talking to someone who can predict exactly what I’m going to say?”

“Oh hi Alice” She said after a moment. you could hear the disappointment in Bella’s voice.

I can? Why? Am I in the room with one of them? Are they watching me?!?

:adjusts tin foil beret:

“Um…Edward… Hes” Alice stopped to think on what she was saying. Every emotion hit Bella at once and all this bad thoughts came rushing in.

As they usually do, because Bella has the self-confidence of a mollusk.

“Bella you ok?” Alice asked her voice sounding at es.

Dude, you’re the precognitive here. Shouldn’t you already know how she’s going to take it?

Yet not waiting for an answer she continued ” Well any ways Edward went…Hunting so he wont be coming over tonight. I think he was going far so i don’t think he will be in school tomorrow ether” relief fled though Bella. At the thought that he was all right. Yet she was sad that she couldn’t see him.

So Edward had this big special date with Bella planned, and then he suddenly decided to go off hunting somewhere for a few days despite how obsessed he is with Bella?

Yeah, that’s not at all suspicious.

“Why so Sudan?” Bella asked after a minuet of thinking to herself.

He decided to go on a big game safari in Africa?

“He was hungry and didn’t think he could face you” Alice said in to the phone her face was red from making up lies on the spot. Which she really didn’t like to do. She hadn’t lied so much to anyone in so long.

I do that, too, which is why I’m a terrible liar; I just turn red as a beet. But Alice is a sparklepire – sparklepires don’t blush. They look like perfect marble statues all the time.

“So um i’ll see you in school tomorrow” Alice said not wanting tot have to lie to Bella for Edwards sake any more.

Honey, if you can’t lie to her over the phone then you have zero chance pulling it off when you’re face to face.

To protect both of them and not to send Bella in to a panic attack if she knew Edward got up and suddenly left. So not to hurt her any more then what he had.

If you really didn’t want to hurt her then why didn’t you say it was a family thing? Then you wouldn’t have to face her at school the next day, when she will easily uncover your lie.

“Ill see you tomorrow” Bella said back in though phone before Alice hung it up.

Rather than screaming it out the window?

Alice let out a long breath. She wanted to cry for Bella’s sake and her own.

I’m fairly certain sparklepires can’t cry.

She would kill Edward when he got back For making her do this.

He didn’t ask you to lie for him; he really didn’t say much at all before storming off like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

“Whats going on?” Carlisle said as he walked in to the room. “Your face is red Alice. You look all most alive” He said with a smile Jokingly “Its nice”

“Almost makes you look like a fresh victim! You and Jasper planning to do some roleplaying tonight? Or planing?”

“She’s” Alice started but decided not to say anything. “Edwards gone” She blurted out. Needing to say something and they had to know.

Wait, is Edward a she now? That’s a bit unexpected, although not unheard of in the vast quagmire of Twilight fanfics.

“What! Tell me what happened Alice” Carlisle’s voice sounded worried. “Where did He go when did he.” More panic in his voice. “His he ok…Is Bella ok”

Why does Carlisle immediately think of Bella? DOes he think Edward drank Bella and then had to run away?

“Bella’s ok…Hes ok i think. I’m sorry I cant tell you any more. I cant do that at this moment.

Again :points to Alice: Precognitive. She can tell Carlisle more, but is choosing not to at this time.

Its for Edward to tell not me I’m really sorry. Don t wary though its nothing to worry about. ok maybe a little” Alice said and walked up to her room With out a another word for the rest of the night.

Well, if the precognitive says there’s nothing to worry about I guess everyone can just go back to doing whatever it was they were doing while floating out in the Void.

Bella sat in her room she had awoken From a nightmare that still swam though her head.

Where’s there’s plenty of room for it to roam free without having to worry about collision damage.

Her breathing was heavy. And crying her body was shaking “I have to see Edward” She said to herself as She got up to get dressed at the speed of light.

Shit, she’s going through Edward withdrawal!

Before she realized Edward wasn’t going to be at school today. She sighed and sat on her bed. Tear fell from her eyes like a river.

You should see a doctor about that, river-eyes is one of symptoms of the dreaded Anime Eyes Syndrome.

School didn’t start for another two hours.

A teenager got up two hours early for school.

:snorts:

You’re pulling my leg, right?

It was the new school year all ready summer had gone by so fast.

A teenager who not only got up two hours early for school, but got up two hours early for the first day of school.

:snorts again:

Pull the other leg, it’s got bells on it.

And all she could do was worry tell then and tell he got back. “He’ll be back tomorrow. I hope” She said to herself.

Now sigh and stare longingly into space with a vacuous expression on your face.

When Bella got to school no one was there yet. She sat in the car the heater blasting hot air at her face.

She drives a crappy old truck; does the heater even work?

She sighed and put her head on the steering weal. She wasn’t ready to start the day.

:headdesk:

You got up two hours early to get here, you daft idiot!

She wanted Edward. The dream of Edward leaving her and never coming back still haunted her. “I could ask Alice” She mumbled.

Ask her what? She was the one who told you Edward had gone hunting.

Sighing her mind relived the dream once again.

The dream you just now thought about?

This made her want to turn the car around and go back home.

But think about your attendance record! You don’t want to start off with an absence.

But She could here voices around her.

…Does Bella need to borrow my back-up tin foil beret?

As she looked up from the steering weal and around to parking lot. Which was nearly full by this time. She could tell school would start soon. She decided agents leaving.

Are the agents the ones talking to you? I know the DRD is dedicated, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen them do a preemptive strike before.

Bella poled on her jacket and turned off the engine. She hoped out of the car and started to walked to her class.

:yawns:

She stopped once she sow a girl she had never met before. which was strange in a little town and a little school. She was new.

Hey, that’s just like Bella at the beginning of the series!

The girl was examining a map of the school like her life dippended on it.

…Which is also eerily like Bella at the beginning of the series. Is everyone going to abandon Bella and decide this new girl is going to be the most popular girl at school? Because that would be great.

The girl was beautiful She put Rosalie.

She put Rosalie where? In the corner? Or is that where Baby goes?

Bella once thought that Rosalie would make a girl take a self-esteem hit if that was so this girl would make you want to hid your face and never see the world again knowing you would look like a dirt smug comped to her.

I can’t really understand what the hell that sentence is trying to say, yet it is still screaming “MARY SUE!” at the top of its metaphorical lungs.

She whore a long black skirt and a red corset over a short sleeved black turtle neck angora top.

Ah, so she’s an Enoby Sue.

Her hair Was the color of the sky jut before the sunset.

So it’s a blue/orange/yellow/fuchsia/purplish-grey gold? I wonder if the carpet matches the curtains?

It was the most beautiful red color that seemed like it couldn’t be possible.

:looks up at picture:

I think Bella’s using a different picture, because I don’t see a lot of red. And hasn’t Bella ever heard of hair dye? With enough time, patience, and peroxide, anyone could have hair the color of any sunset of their choosing. I’ve seen a woman who had the top layer of her hair dyed bright red and the under-layer dyed blue; it looked purple when she ran her fingers through it and mixed the layers. Very cool and dynamic effect.

She was pail but not as pail as Bella.

Are we putting the damp washcloth in a bucket now? Did her spine completely dissolve?

The girl had a soft pink glow to her skin.

Must be a side-effect of her hair.

Bella notesd she had stopped as was know staring at the girl.

I did that in high school, too – and then I figured out why I kept staring at the pretty girls.

Who then turned and walked over to Bella. ”Can you help me” She asked in a soft sing song voice that was meant for the corset or something .

Nandatte? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I’ve never owned a corset, but I don’t think they come with a built-in voice modifier. (Unless “lack of oxygen” is considered a voice modifier.)

The girls voice was thick with a foreign accent Bella looked at her for a moment “I’m new” She girl said after a moment.

A new girl with a hot accent who likes to wear revealing clothing. Bella’s reign as the school’s queen bee is swiftly coming to an end.

“Um..ok i can help you where do you need to go?” Bella said a little dazed and confused she was still looking at the girl.

Wow, the Void that makes up her face must be super-cute!

Bella couldn’t stop staring at the girls eyes which where the color of a cloudless sunny day.

So you’re saying they are blue with an intense point of bright yellow light in the center?

“I’m looking for Room One” She said

Do schools label their classrooms like that? When I was a wee GhostKitten, the classrooms were labeled by building and by floor as well as by room number – the first floor of Building B was B101, B102, B103, etc. while the second floor was B201, B202, B203 and so on. Just labeling somewhere “Room One” wouldn’t help anyone find it.

“Oh thats on the other side of the building” Bella said pointing.

Are you entering through the front of the school? If that were the case, why is Room One on the other side of the building? That doesn’t make sense.

“Um can you walk with me so i don’t get lost” The girl asked Bella You could tell the girl was a little scared “If thats not to
much trouble that is”

It’s the first day of school; shouldn’t there be teachers around to help lost students?

“No its fine i have the same class” Bella said happily. “I’m Bella whats your name?”

:deadpan: What a crazy random happenstance. It doesn’t feel contrived at all.

“I’m Adelina” She reaped.

“Adelina…Thats a different name”

That suspiciously sounds just a little bit like Bella’s name.

“Its Romanian” She jumped in. “I just moved here from Romania”

According the Intertubez it’s also Bulgarian, Italian, Spanish, and Ancient Germanic – as well as being the Latinate diminutive for Adela. And having a Romanian name doesn’t necessarily make you Romanian – my given name is a mix of Hebrew and French but I’m from neither Israel nor France.

“thats cool That explains your accent then” Bella said leading Adelina to the other side of the building.

Because the average American is well-known for being able to correctly identify incredibly specific regional accents.

“There must be a lot of vampire wan bes there” She said jokingly.

Smooth! :thumbs-up: Now ask her where she parked her gypsy wagon.

“Not really” Adelina said softly was we walked in to class. It was the last thing Bella and her said tell the class was over.

And of course nothing interesting is going to happen during class, right?

Alice tried not to seem worried at all when she was around her family but once she was at school and in class by herself she was freaking out.

I assume that’s a “No” on anything interesting happening in class.

 Not knowing what to do about Edward.

Again – precognitive. Shouldn’t she already know what Edward is going to do and what she has to do in response?

“he cant just get up and take off like that” she mumbled to herself.

Apparently he can, since he did just that.

Every once around her thought she was stranger.

Or that she’s just being Alice.

“He’ll end up killing her”she mumbled coming out a seeing a new path .

Technically he does, it just doesn’t end up being permanent.

Alice got up and walked out of class before the bell rang.

And no one stopped her, not even the teacher, because she’s one of those weird Cullen kids.

She was all most in tears by the time the reached Rosalie’s car.

Alice sat in the car for a few minuets before starting it.

She must be listening to classical music, even though the car wasn’t running.

She drove faster then she normally drove.

Considering how recklessly fast the sparklepires drive, I don’t think that’s physically possible.

By the time she made it to the house worry set in and she was now running to her room. She was pacing it not knowing what to do.

Then why the hell was she trying so damn hard to get to her room? Didn’t she have a plan for what to do once she got there?

It turned out that Adelina and Bella had the same classes all day.

Much shock. So surprise.

which meant that Adelina was in Bella’s presents all day.

Well, that’s rude! She shouldn’t open someone else’s presents even if that someone is Bella.

At lunch Adelina sat with Bella and her friends at the lunch table.

The only lunch table in the entire school. Everyone else had to sit on the floor.

The Cullen’s where not at there table.

Okay, everyone except the Cullens had to sit on the floor. And even though they are not there, no one else would dare sit at their table. It would bring dishonor upon their houses and blight their crops, or something.

As Adelina interdict herself to the group of kids surrounding her wanting to know everything about her.

…That is not the word you are looking for. I’m not entirely sure what word you are looking for, but that’s not it.

Bella couldn’t keep her eyes off the Cullen’s table.

She must have a leg fetish or something.

“Bella” Adelina’s lullaby voice called out to her.

That is one of the oddest descriptive phrases I’ve seen in a while.

“Are you hating for something or someone?”

Again – that is not the word you are looking for. Still not entirely sure what word you are trying to find, but that wasn’t it.

“No” She said looking back at the table. “I’m just looking around”

“Oh ok” Adelina said looking at Bella in this cruse way as Bella looked back at the Cullen’s table Mich now held only three siblings who must have just walked in.

…I am having a really hard time figuring out what’s happening right now.

they where with there food trays in front of them with untouched food on it.

:yawns again:

So fascinating.

They all talked and laughed. Alice wasn’t there. This struck B

Bella looked away from the table confused by Alice’s absents. Maybe she went hunting with Edward. She thought.

I didn’t edit that in any way – it legitimately bounces from one sentence to the next without bothering to finish the first sentence.

The rest of the day passed by fast. With Bella’s new tag along She was like a little kid that you wanted to get rid of but couldn’t. cause she was so darn lovebal.

So she’s extremely annoying but everyone seems to love her anyway? Sounds about right for a Sue.

“Bella?” Adelina’s voice called out to Bella. Every one had left the cafeteria’s. “Bella” She called again Bella was lost in her own thoughts.

I doubt she has enough thoughts to get lost in.

“What?” Bella a asked once she as back in reality.

“Um…Class is about to start”

:sips triple-shot Americano:

I hope this is going to be over soon. Not even this delicious custom extra-dark roast is enough to keep me awake forever.

“Oh..then we should get going” Bella gathered her stuff and picked up her tray of untouched food.

If untouched food is a sign of a sparklepire, does that mean Bella has already been turned?

Edward would have had a fit if she didn’t eat anything when he was around.

Even though it is repeatedly pointed out that he doesn’t eat regular food.

She sighed and dumped the untouched food in to the trashcan. Adelina follow Bella to the next class.

:rings bell for a refill:

The entered Advanced bio just before the last bell rang. The teacher wasn’t there yet. Bella looked around the room every Desk was full except the one where Bella and Edward normally sat. Adelina walked over and sat in Edwards chair. Bella walked over and sat down She felt like Adelina was intruding. The teacher walked in to the room and down to Bella’s desk. “I hope you don’t mind sharing a desk Bella. We have to have a table of three this term” He said and walked on mumbling about class sizes.

SHINOBI-SAN!

:ninja appears:

Tell Bubbles to use the big mug this time.

:ninja vanishes and reappears with a flowerpot-sized mug:

Took you long enough!

He rambled on to the class about chemicals and minerals. The class when by fast.

Why would an Advanced Bio class be all about minerals and chemicals?

“Do you want to hang out after school?” Adelina asked after class. She was hopping Bella would. Bella looked at Adelina and thought for a moment.

 

Sweet mercy, please don’t hang out. I can’t bear it.

“Um ok” She said after a moment “I don’t have anything upland” Adelina and Bella went to the rest of the days classes.

:groans:

Sweet mercy, no! Haven’t I suffered enough?

Adelina had started asking Questions (A lot of Questions) About Bella.

And you can tell that they are very serious questions due to the random capitalization.

Bella ancerd them since she got used to answering questions. Edward asked a lot himself.

But Edward isn’t there – or is he? I thought the whole reason Bella was depressed (or even more depressed than usual) was because Edward wasn’t around.

By the time school had ended Adelina had finished most of the easy questions like whats your favorite color.

I think Bella’s favorite color would be griege, since it’s the most bland and neutral color I can think of.

“So what do you want to do?” She asked once they had walked out side.

Wait a second; Adelina has been asking Bella questions non-stop since lunch and she’s just now getting around to asking what Bella wants to do after school? Wouldn’t that have naturally been a part of the follow-up conversation that occurred before this?

“We could go to my house” Adelina said after a moment.

Because there’s nothing creepy about a total stranger inviting you over to their house mere hours after you meet them. That’s a completely normal behaviour.

“Id have to call home” Bella said as Adelina was looking for somthing in her bag. She poled out a black cell phone and handed it to Bella.

Why does Adelina assume Bella doesn’t have a cell phone? Even the Amish have cell phones these days. There’s grade schoolers walking around with frickin’ iPhones; when I was that age all I had to play with was a rock. That I had to share with my sister.

:resists urge to shake cane:

“Bella” Alices voice called from behind her.

Suddenly!

“Adelina” She hissed as she came by bella’s side.

Let me guess; the Sue is a fellow sparklepire despite the fact that she possesses none of the very distinct physical features of one?

“Nice to see you again Alice” Adelina’s voice was cold.

My keen deductive reasoning tells me that Adelina is probably lying. Also, she’s really bad at lying.

“He’s not here” Alice said anger in her voice.

Am I supposed to know who “he” is, or should I just assume the only male worth talking about is Edward?

“Bella i have somthing i have to do day I’ll have to take a rain check. Alice stop talking with my Angel.” And with that adelina walked off.

Well, that was sudden. Who is Adelina’s angel? Is it Bella? Or that unidentified male who is probably Edward? Who knows or even cares? I don’t, and the author apparently doesn’t since there’s no more fic after this. The whole thing just shambles to a halt. Hell, after the first few paragraphs I forgot this was even supposed to be a Humor fic. It’s just so very … nothing.

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22 Comments on “1683: On the wings of a dove – oneshot”

  1. BatJamags says:

    “Why so Sudan?” Bella asked after a minuet of thinking to herself.

    Now this is hardly the time for dancing.

  2. BatJamags says:

    Again :points to Alice: Precognitive. She can tell Carlisle more, but is choosing not to at this time.

    Fuckin’ seers always have to be so vague for some reason.

    *Mutters something about “Delphi bullshit”*

  3. BatJamags says:

    But She could here voices around her.

    *Gets out clipboard*

    And what are those voices saying to you?

    Patient: Kill Edward and be more compellingly written?

    Oh, then those are just riffers.

  4. BatJamags says:

    Ouch. I hope it doesn’t involved woodworking tools. No one likes getting planed.

  5. BatJamags says:

    “Oh hi Alice” She said after a moment. you could hear the disappointment in Bella’s voice.

    I can? Why? Am I in the room with one of them? Are they watching me?!?

  6. BatJamags says:

    She put Rosalie where? In the corner? Or is that where Baby goes?

    NO! Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

  7. BatJamags says:

    The girls voice was thick with a foreign accent Bella looked at her for a moment “I’m new” She girl said after a moment.

    Ah, a foreign accent. I assume she comes from the country of Somewhere Else?

  8. BatJamags says:

    Do schools label their classrooms like that? When I was a wee GhostKitten, the classrooms were labeled by building and by floor as well as by room number – the first floor of Building B was B101, B102, B103, etc. while the second floor was B201, B202, B203 and so on. Just labeling somewhere “Room One” wouldn’t help anyone find it.

    I suppose you could also have buildings labeled by direction (I think the high school near where I live has north and south buildings) or it could be like a university and have them named.

    If there’s only one, one-story building, they could just have numbers, but it would still be two-digit (01, 02, 03, etcetera) unless there’s fewer than ten rooms (at which point we’re talking about a tiny school).

  9. BatJamags says:

    According the Intertubez it’s also Bulgarian, Italian, Spanish, and Ancient Germanic – as well as being the Latinate diminutive for Adela. And having a Romanian name doesn’t necessarily make you Romanian – my given name is a mix of Hebrew and French but I’m from neither Israel nor France.

    Plus there’s the fact that most people who live in the United States are not Native Americans, which means almost all of us have a name that comes from somewhere else. This also leads to people being given names that aren’t related to their ancestry just because it sounds nice or they’re named after something else. I’ve got a friend of Hungarian descent who has Irish, Hebrew, and Greek names.

  10. BatJamags says:

    Considering how recklessly fast the sparklepires drive, I don’t think that’s physically possible.

  11. BatJamags says:

    “Are you hating for something or someone?”

    Is the author Romanian? Because if this prose was written by a native English speaker, I’ll be even more depressed than I already am about the future of humanity.

  12. BatJamags says:

    Why does Adelina assume Bella doesn’t have a cell phone? Even the Amish have cell phones these days. There’s grade schoolers walking around with frickin’ iPhones; when I was that age all I had to play with was a rock. That I had to share with my sister.

    Whippersnappers these days…

  13. Delta XIII says:

    And doesn’t Edward have “golden” eyes? I remember that fact being stressed repeatedly; Bella couldn’t shut up about how beautiful Edward’s eyes were.

    Normally, yes, but if a sparklepire hasn’t fed for a while, their eyes will turn black.

    I am ashamed that I know that. I’m gonna go drown myself in Pepsi-flavoured Brain Bleach now.

  14. Delta XIII says:

    But Alice is a sparklepire – sparklepires don’t blush. They look like perfect marble statues all the time.

    And, if we’re going by the movies, break like them, too.

  15. Delta XIII says:

    “Oh hi Alice” She said after a moment. you could hear the disappointment in Bella’s voice.
    I can? Why? Am I in the room with one of them? Are they watching me?!?


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