1680: The Savior – Chapters Fourteen, Fifteen, and Sixteen

Title: The Savior
Author: bubbersgod
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dark Souls
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter Eleven
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

!!Warning!! Flamebait ahead yonder fiction. Again, no explicit description, however what begins is one of the most outrageous, bullshit things I have ever seen. Seriously, you need to fucking see this shit.

-Leider Hosen shuffles in, more than then alive, and settles heavily into the Riffing seat with a hot cocoa and a heating blanket over his shoulders. He blinks his bloodshot eyes, Abrelepine laying a comforting arm over him-

Abrelepine: Welcome back!

Uhggg. Welcome back to The Savior! I… actually have no idea what happened last installment. I remember incomprehensible stupid and then everything went black. Did that buzzer always have a pentagram on it?

??? Counter: [Incomprehensible]

Abrelepine: To make a short story shorter, in a way where you won’t immediately shut down: bubbersgod decided he was into the story of Dark Souls for once and regaled us with his stunning interpretation of the lore, which lead to the Gary Stu/canon violation buzzer getting hit so many times in such rapid succession it spontaneously became self-aware so it could hate the fic as much as we do!

??? Counter: [Various Profanities in Satanese]

Uhggg. How bad did he botch it?

Abrelepine: He made… a simple necromancer the man behind Nito.

Uhhhh.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: He also came up with an origin story around “lite town” that involved Havel getting attacked by Nito, only instead of killing him Nito destroyed lite town, and was possessed before he could un-destroy it.

Ughhhhhhhhhh. *headdesk* I liked it better when he skipped everything.

Chapter 14 Great News and meeting Seeth

The Savior finally made it back to fire link. He was tired and figured he earned a good session with Priscilla.

Fuck you, you shit for brains man-whore! And I apologize to all the male prostitutes out there for the association.

Sexist Douchecanoe: 14

He went to her but she rushed to him with tears of joy an jumped in his arms. “IT HAPPENED! I AM PREGNANT!” He realized of coarse his promise was fulfilled and he surely couldn’t keep fucking her. Not while she was carrying a child.

But after she’s done giving birth she’s open for business! We all know that’s what you’re thinking.

He kissed her and told her about his recent meeting with Nito.

YOU’RE THE FATHER OF TWO KIDS, ACT LIKE YOU GIVE A FUCK!

She asked the Savior a question that nobody else had the urge to ask, his name. She wanted to name her child after him. But sadly, he did not know his own name. The curse that makes one the Savior does just that. You forget your past and name. You forget everything else except how to speak

fight and Save.

Thank fuck you left me out of last instalment Abrelepine, it’s worse than I imagined! I mean… wow! First, you try to turn the Darksign into a McGuffin. Then, you replace everything with a Do Not Steal counterpart. Now, you do both at the same fucking time!

Is this a half-assed attempt at making your Gary Stu more mortal? I’ve already come to believe this is not a Troll, you are way too fucking bad at writing and are trying way too hard to have done this level of fuckery on purpose, so what is the fucking delusion you live in that says “I know, I’ll give him Not!Hollowing and it will totally make him feel more human!”

It’s way too fucking late for you to hastily shoehorn in a watered down, Do Not Steal counterpart to hollowing. With all the over-the-top, absurd bullshit you keep giving Savior Stu you cannot fucking evoke the Blessed with Suck trope because you never show the negatives. Not to doot my own trumpet, but I think I have the next Sucktastic Awards in the fucking bank because of this little shithead.

??? Counter: 46

So she decided to name her child something else. Something that hopefully it’s father would enjoy. She had no exact name just yet but she would find a good one in time.

…Why is Savior Stu’s fetus so important that every two seconds she has to be thinking out a name for him? Please don’t tell me this is going somewhere.

She had ventured to Lite town earlier because the Savior had told her about the Qualaag sisters and how he had impregnated one of them. She went to ask about the magic used to tell if one is pregnant, which is how she found out about her pregnancy.

Abrelepine: Well, it took fourteen chapters, but here’s first story arc outside Savior Stu so far.

It’s a fucking miracle. It took over 9000 words but bubbers finally figured out other people exist in this fucking universe and do stuff when the Stu isn’t looking! And what’s this? Is that… continuity I detect? The fucking gods of English have parted the clouds and touched this master wordsmith this day!

Pontiff Sulyvahn: This is why I joined the Occult.

The sisters got along well with her. They all spoke of past trials and tribulations and how much the Savior meant to them.

By Jove, is this real life? Are we getting, albeit one dimensional, character development? Be still my heart, I can’t take literature of this magnitude!

The pale sister was sad for not having been impregnated like the others, but just having had the joy of being able to meet such a man and be saved, was fine enough for her.

Priscilla spoke, “My savior, the Qualaag sister who does not have a child is sad, she is the only of us whom did not get impregnated by you. You should try to help her.

Abrelepine: *snerk* and then we came crashing back down.

I like them and she is a sweet person. She deserves a good child too I think. Please, it would make her so happy.” The savior smiled and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I will if that is what you and her want.” He left for Lite town to speak with the sisters.

The only fucking semblance of a plot arc we get thus far, which was half-centered on someone other than the Stu, and the payoff, what it was building up to, was let’s get more girly girls preggers! Because that’s all they really want, and Quelaan is sad she doesn’t have the honor of having one of Savior Stu’s superior offspring!

Sexist Douchecanoe: 15

He spoke with the sisters and offered to help get the pale sister pregnant. Both sisters talked about it and decided to take him up on his offer. He fucked her gently twice that night an once more in the morning before leaving to confront Seeth.

And he fucks Quelaan off-screen an improbable amount of times when he has better shit to fucking do!

Sexist Douchecanoe: 16

Hey, I don’t know if it shows, but your constant demeaning of Quelaan has gone from annoying to fucking infuriating.

The Dukes Archives was a strange place indeed. Crystals and books are the only two descriptive words needed to accurately depict this massive place. He was careful not to enter Seeth’s room as he would be hostile and invincible at this point so he took a short cut to the crystal woods where he maneuvered around the hostile beast and destroyed the cursed primordial crystal eating at his mind. with success mind you.

Rewind! I need to break this bitch up.

The Dukes Archives was a strange place indeed. Crystals and books are the only two descriptive words needed to accurately depict this massive place.

Because intricate descriptions are for pussies.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Naturally, there is no mention of the pisacas, the maidens who suffered Seathe’s depraved experiments. What drove Havel to join the occult rebellion and attempt to destroy Seathe and Gwyn. Gwyn was even Havel’s friend, but Havel loathed him for allowing Seathe to deform Gwynevere’s maidens so hideously. In the end, the Bishop was another victim of the dark grey morality of the gods.

Why are you bringing up Havel? He hasn’t even been mentioned in this fic. Oh, it must have been some stupidity from last chapter. I don’t want to know.

He was careful not to enter Seeth’s room as he would be hostile and invincible at this point

HOW DO YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT!? There is no way you could possibly have that fucking information unless you’re telling me you’re a timelord with literal fucking precognition! Yes, he knows Seathe is invincible, but this entire moment serves to fuck over Dark Souls again.

Meeting Seathe for the first time was one of the coolest moments in the entire series, because it does something so unexpected it takes you completely off guard. Seathe is aware of you. He’s been watching your progress this entire time using his golems and his Channelers. He’s crazy, but he’s also very fucking smart.

You walk into the Duke’s Archives and fight through some trash mobs. The only way forward is an elevator that takes you to the top floor; because Seathe’s Channelors pulled several levers that caused false bookcases to slide in front of the doorways. Minutes after walking into the Archive, you come face to face with Seathe, who’s completely immortal. This is completely unexpected because through the entire game, there are clear signs screaming “THIS IS A BOSS ENCOUNTER” before a boss, but here, Seathe just shows up in a random room way too soon.

You have to die to Seathe to progress the game, because when you die, guess what? Seathe forces you to respawn at a bonfire inside a locked room you can’t escape, which is an absolute mindfuck because this is the only time it ever happens. He not only planned for you to fight him and have a forced death, and planned for you to respawn, but he planned for you to have the Lordvessal which would usually allow you to escape! In my first playthrough, when I got stuck in the cell with no obvious escape, I nearly deleted my character and had to consult YouTube because I thought the game was glitched.

When you do get out, via a rather lazy guard, guess what? Seathe planned ahead for that too.

There are tons of guards and several monsters that get unleashed to kill you, plus a siren specifically to alert everyone you made it out. I say again, were it not for a lazy guard, Dark Souls would be unwinnable because Seathe has had you in checkmate since the Undead Parish.

Here? This is removed completely in favor of showing off the Stu’s tactical genius over Seathe, father of Sorcery, because apparently the false bookcases that close off the shortcut were left mysteriously open for him.

??? Counter: 47

Why are you so insistent on coddling your fucking Stu, when you constantly smear it in our faces he can do anything? Are you perhaps saying *le gasp!* if you didn’t fucking cheat and Seathe’s trap was left in play the Stu would have died like he should have?

Here’s a novel idea a lot of people refuse to put in their fics: Let your characters fucking die and learn from the experience, they are undead and can come back from it. I know the concept is mindblowing but get this, in Dark Souls, whose tagline is Prepare to Die, your player character is prepared to die.

What’s that? You made your Stu human, thus giving him one life to lose? Well guess what cupcake, you should have fucking thought of that when you realized Orns, Seathe, the Anor Londo Archers, and a shitload of other hazards could fucking kill him even with his Stu powers! You remember Oscar, the guy who died minutes after losing his Darksign and was lost forever? That should be Savior Stu right now. Only literal fucking divine intervention, Orns letting him live, and knowledge he couldn’t possibly have unless he can see the fucking future have kept him alive for this long!!!

This, right here, is why making a character human in a Dark Souls fic is a fucking stupid idea. Now, granted, if someone with skill and determination wanted to, I bet you could make a kickass story about a Badass Normal that beats Dark Souls without dying. He would need assistance in some areas, and have to have extremely well-written skills and powers, but it could be done and it could even be brilliant.

This, however, is far beyond your level of competence. You talk about how invincible he is, but the moment you realize “Oh shit, Savior Stu has to lose here” you cop the fuck out, and you do it in the most insultingly blatant way you possibly can. Gary Stus are already annoying as fuck, but it’s even better when you see them in a world like Dark Souls, where the oppressive, disempowering atmosphere has to part around the Stu like the Red Sea when the easy solution is, again, let them fucking prepare to die and have multiple goes at it.

This applies to any canon. If your character faces a challenge from that universe that should very well beat them, every real fan of the series will notice when that challenge is nerfed to the ground, or in this case is not present at all. This is why you plan for your characters to get into danger then escape it, rather than using the mystical powers foresight to skip over it.

??? Counter: 48

so he took a short cut to the crystal woods where he maneuvered around the hostile beast and destroyed the cursed primordial crystal eating at his mind. with success mind you.

??? Counter: 49

Seeth calmed down and his mind returned to his self.

In other words, returned to being genocidal, violent, spiteful, and cunning. Sorry to tell you this, but just because Souls is mostly grey doesn’t mean there aren’t evil bastards in Soulsbourne.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Seathe is one of the more diabolical lords, even without his madness he has the blood of his own kind drenching his hands.

Abrelepine: And madness is a tangible force than can just be inserted and removed like a thorn? Lovely.

He thanked the Savior and told the same story Nito told him. The Lord Soul offered did the same as the other did, absorbing into his gauntlets, that now almost sang inaudible words at a low tone.

Fuck it, it fits with all the vague as hell, ill-defined power levels he keeps gaining!

Also, what the fuck is that description!? They almost sang in words that couldn’t be heard in a low tone? As compared to inaudible words that are extremely loud, no fucking shit it was a low tone if it just barely started to sing *sigh* just leave the door open. I’ve already put out some cookies.

[Hosen continues while the Department of Redundancy Department enjoys the delicious cookies while they eat the delicious cookies, Hosen continuing]

It doesn’t matter anyway because they only almost sang, which means they didn’t sing, and even if they did sing, they sang inaudibly. Do you know what “making inaudible noise” is? SILENCE.

[The Redundancy Department of the Department of Redundancy scratches their heads, looking at eachother and shrugging in confusion and shrugging.] “This doesn’t make very much sense and is very nonsensical.”

Confused yet? This is what happens when you try to describe something “epic” but you are shit at English and just end up being self-contradictory and stupid again! *sigh* Every time the author tries it just gets worse. Just take me away. I count death as a few minutes respite from this agony at this point.

“It’s alright Hosen and will be okay, the the badfic is a bad fiction but will be over soon and not go on for much longer.”

“Yeah, I agree and think he is right!”

Thanks guys. You’re my only friends, besides my OCs. -suddenly after a long period of time an illogical logic bomb smashes though the ceiling and comes out of the floor, sitting on the laying on the air-

Fuck.

-Everyone in the riffing chamber is almost constructed by an implosion of non-nuclear nimbus cloud before it disappears into a wreckage of its repaired state on the same spot. The DRD then proceeds to beat it like a baby seal with clubs and go on to club it like a baby seal-

Good thing it almost killed us all, and it gave the DRD something to chew on for a while.

He made way to the forest to explore and hopefully find a new Savior Casting. All he found was hostile forest guardians and the grey wolf Sif whom he slayed to gain the ring needed to save the four kings of New Londo.

I’m running out of ways to say you’re living in a fucking delusion of nonsense and I can’t stand it. Permit me to tell you why this little drabble is one of the dumbest things to date!

You know Artorias? The guy I keep mentioning on and off? He is known in-universe as Artorias the Abysswalker, the knight who did the impossible and walked the Abyss, which should have been fatal. You see, when Manus created the Abyss with the Dark Soul, it rampaged out of control, and destroyed an entire civilization. You find out later that Oolacile, the land destroyed, is actually where Savior Stu is standing right now. On that spot, Artorias died from his wounds after the battle with Manus, though he was able to save the world with his sacrifice.

This is not true. In reality, Artorias and Sif, his wolf and best friend, ventured into the Abyss while Gough and Ciaran, the other two knights of Gwyn, tried to cull the mobs of mutated humans and Kalameet, a very, very fucking ferocious dragon.

Artorias is arguably on par with Ornstein, if not stronger. Gwyn, a greatsword wielder, boasted that Sir Artorias was unmatched in skill with a greatsword. Artorias also had a shield so strong it could repel even the Dark. However, on the way down, Sif was wounded and surrounded by hostile phantoms. Artorias, already decaying from being in the Abyss, sacrificed his shield to spare Sif, and went into the Abyss to fight Manus with only his sword.

Artorias fought well, but Manus, the god of Dark, absolutely, one-sided smashed him into the ground and left him bloodied and broken on the floor. Artorias was driven insane and his body was warped by the Abyss. Manus let him go, doomed to wander with only a shadow of his former conscious, leaving Sif in the Dark until you find him later. The player kills Manus and saves the world, but Artorias gets the credit so the proud knight can, at the very least, be remembered as a hero.

The fate of all four is thus: Gough lives to an old age and dies. Artorias is killed by the player. Ciaran mourns Artorias death until she dies at his grave of exposure. And Sif is left all alone to guard his master’s grave from intruders. He does this in memory of Artorias, but also because Artorias’ ring was touched by Manus, meaning that any who wear it can walk the Abyss without being instantly destroyed by it.

Sif doesn’t want anyone to suffer the same fate as Artorias, and can’t be reasoned with, so he fights to the death to protect you from trying to enter the Dark. In case that wasn’t enough to drive home that killing Sif, which you have to do to beat the game, is something you should feel like a bastard for, Sif limps when he gets to low health, and becomes unable to even fight back. Oh, what’s that? Can it get worse? If you play the DLC before you kill Sif in the present, he will recognize you, and still fight to the death.

It’s one of the most tear jerking, heartbreaking moments in the entirety of Soulsbourne, right up there with killing Solaire, meeting Quelaan for the first time, or watching Sieglinde weep over the corpse of her hollowed father. It’s one of the rare moments that hits your feels with a 100 billion metric ton asteroid and you realize that the bedrock of Souls is not just its open interpretation, not just its revolutionary combat, but the trials and struggles of all the characters and bosses and the questions of humanity and morals they raise. The world of Dark Souls is dying, and everything you do is part of mourning the departed.

However, because this author cannot bother to fact-check anything Savior Stu kills Sif as a rank-and-file monster, and takes the ring to “save” the Four Kings. The real irony? He is “saving” evil, greedy bastards that killed their entire kingdom, and killing off Sif, one of the few truly benevolent creatures in Lordran, as an obstruction to that end. More irony? Savior Stu, the lover of all life, who’s… what was that?

capable of intellectual speech and sympathy for anything

Comes into the Darkroot Garden, knowing that he only needs the ring to get into the Abyss, and he kills Sif without a second thought. Then, off he fucks with the intention of redeeming the shitlords that tried to destroy the fucking world for their own gain, who, might I add, Sif was trying to help protect the world from.

You know, I would have been more happy to see you bullshit around Sif’s death. You could have pulled a “Necromancer Doggo Sleepy Pill” out of your fucking ass and taken the ring, then never mentioned Sif again, and it would be A-Okay, but the fact your Stu keeps claiming the moral highground then does shit like this out of sheer ignorance is fucking laughable.

Oh yeah, you better fucking believe I’m holding your Stu accountable for everyone that dies in this shitty story, because your Stu can do anything so obviously he just didn’t fucking try!

 He also found the, “Savior’s Great Junction Wave,” the second most powerful Savior’s Casting.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: …I have no idea.

Me neither.

Chapter 15 Meeting the four kings of New Londo

The Savior now went for the four kings of New Londo, with the ring he needed to traverse the abyss.

Abrelepine: That you killed Sif for, without knowing who Sif even is.

He met a man who gave him a key to the flood gates and he found the whole made by their power that lead to the abyss. He put on the ring and fell to darkness. One after another they came, as each came at him, he purged the power of Life drain from each and transported them to the area above out of the abyss.

*clap clap clap clap* Congratulations! The Darkwraiths are now free to run rampant. You just made the sacrifice of thousands of innocent lives, Sif, and Sir Artorias completely in vain! What’s that, you took away their Lifedrain? Oh, that changes everything. For five minutes. Because that’s how long it will take for Kaathe to give it back.

He Saved each of them and later met them to obtain the Lord Soul he needed. They gave it to him and shook their heads, having been muted incurably by Life drain. an unexplained power that curses horribly and eventually leads one to the abyss and mutes you.

It’s not an unexplained anything! As I clearly explained exactly what it was and what it was used for earlier.

But he already knew their story.

No! No you didn’t, you know nothing Bubbers Snow! Here, for the people here who care: I already told you about Lifedrain and the Four Kings, let me tell you about Kaathe:

The other slithery fucker

The other slithery fucker

 

He and Frampt are Primordial Serpents, beings from the Age of Dragons. It turns out the entire game was a powerplay by the serpents, and here’s why: They’re all about securing their own power, so they waited for the gods to kill off the dragons, knowing the fire would fade one day and the gods would die out. They sent Frampt to get into Gwyn’s good graces, while Kaathe stayed in the shadows.

Kaathe discovered the resting place of Manus and the nature of humanity, namely that it could be turned into a weapon that couldn’t harm the serpents, but would kill all the gods and leave the serpents as the dominant life in the world. He goaded Oolacile into digging Manus up so he would unravel the secrets of Dark for their own gain. Well, the fucking idiots decided to torture Manus when he decided not to talk. This resulted in him flying into an unstoppable rage and transforming into the most nightmarishly powerful boss in the game. In fact, Manus is likely the most powerful figure in Dark Souls period, what with his intro, theme, extremely aggressive attacks, and huge sorcery castings saying loud and clear “you fucked up, prepare to die” alongside his lore.

They are playing a game they can’t lose. If the Fire is Linked, Frampt stays in the gods’ good graces, and can continue working from the inside since the flame will fade again anyway. If Kaathe wins, he and his Darkwraiths destroy all the gods, Frampt rejoins them, and they rule the world. You can choose not link the fire and not tend to the Abyss as a Darkwraith, but all you’re doing is delaying the inevitable as the serpents will long outlive you and find another who will do what they want.

So, Kaathe told the Four Kings this and their response was “Sign us up, we want in!”

Abrelepine: I’ll give it a decade before the Four Kings have wiped everyone out thanks to the “Savior” freeing them, giving Kaathe open access to the world, and not bothering to deal with all the living Darkwraiths.

And now all that was left was to confront the bed of Chaos, a terrible beast that would need to be destroyed.

Why? No really, why? You are a magical Stu that can do anything, so why not just magic The Witch of Izalith to life so you can fuck and impregnate all seven Daughters and their Milf! Gotta collect em all.

Abrelepine: That’s a little crass, even for you.

He headed back to fire link and met with Priscilla who told him that the pale sister was still without child, witch was good and bad news for the savior. He was sad he hadn’t helped her yet but on the other side, he couldn’t help but enjoy laying with such a beauty. So he headed to her. She was so happy to see him she cried. He shushed her and they made love. He was to tired for a round two that day but he would try again later if he had to.

table-flip

This is why I make these comments! Because that’s the fucking thought process of this author, who is now using Quelaan magically not getting pregnant by his sperm as a plot device to fuck her more often! How does this work anyway, the Stu magically got Quelaag pregnant with one go, now all of a sudden he has to sex Quelaan constantly because it just doesn’t work. This is so… oh fuck me!

+From PCC’s new “Red Light” line, are you tired of always getting woman pregnant the instant they get intimate with you? Is your Gary Stu afraid his harem will be too pregnant to lay with again? Our exciting line of contraceptive products has exactly what you need. You won’t even notice, but many wild nights are guaranteed+

How is this a thing that even fucking exists!

Abrelepine: Must have been a special order.

Sexist Douchecanoe: 17

She was sore after this session as well, he didn’t mean to but he went to fast on her, and she is very delicate.

Sexist Douchecanoe: 18

But she forgave him and still enjoyed his company. Qualaag was sick from her pregnancy that day so the Savior comforted her before checking back on Priscilla. Priscilla was doing fine but she was sore from cramps, so he rubbed her aching back and shoulders, much to her delight.

For once, I see no sin here. Savior Stu taking time out of his busy schedule hurrying the world towards its fiery destruction to make sure Priscilla is coping with the human body he stuffed her into is actually one of the only legitimate acts of compassion I can abide by.

He slept very well that night with Priscilla in the hut he built around the fire link bonfire.

Chapter 16 Confronting the Bed of Chaos

The Demon Ruins and the Ceaseless Discharge where all that stood in the Saviors way of the bed of Chaos. He tried to save the Bed of Chaos knowing he was once the brother of the Sisters whom he saved, but alas the magic from the failed great flame worked to hard on him.

Why!? I can’t believe I keep having to fucking ask this, but how come your magical bullshit Stu powers only fail when you feel like it? You fixed Quelaag, Quelana, and Blighttown with three lesser demon souls. You now have a Lord Soul, and two Lord Soul Fragments, this should be no fucking big!

What? Are you afraid that bringing Ceaseless Discharge back to life will put another man between you and Quelaag?

…That is the reason, isn’t it? Because Chaos fucking forbid the Stu use his bullshit god powers to actually help someone else with nothing in return.

It took only one of his two available castings of the Saviors Great Junction wave to kill him. His sisters would morn his death but at the same time, in a way, he was saving him to from a life of deformity and insanity, so they will appreciate his judgement on this.

Abrelepine: Oh, they’ll appreciate it? The big strong man knows better and will make them understand. I think there’s snag with that, you see, you just killed their fucking brother you goddamn motherfucking bag of dicks! I know it’s a boner killer but let them fucking mourn the death of some of the last family they have!

I get what he’s saying, but the wording leaves much to be desired.

Sexist Douchecanoe: 19

This caused the lava at the bottom to cool enough for him to press on through the Demon Ruins, which had many Capra Demons and Bridge guardian demons like the one from the undead burg. They where less of a threat what with his now crazy strong gauntlets and over powered magics.

*all three laugh while Hosen jeers* How does it feel to completely truthfully, with no irony whatsoever, call yourself overpowered!

He fought the Bed of Chaos for a long time before figuring out that he needed to kill the small worm in the center.

…And?

When he did he received the last of the Lord Souls he needed.

That’s it?! No no no, get your fucking Stu ass over here, I’m not fucking letting that slide! Killing Bed of Chaos in one sentence, that’s cute. Here’s a picture of the Bed of Chaos:

fire

This boss in the worst boss in Soulsbourne. The worst boss that has ever been invented by FROM, which has topped every “worst Soulsbourne boss” list. The creator himself apologized to the community for creating it. The reason is that it’s a puzzle fight; to kill it you have to break two vines, jump over a gap to the foot of the Bed, then hack your way to the middle and kill the parasite, which has only 1HP.

The problem is that as you break the vines, the floor starts to collapse, until the entire arena is a death trap with nothing but pitfalls. The boss also uses its huge arms to broom you off the edge. And even if you get through all that, even if you break both orbs and evade the arms, you still have to take a leap of fucking faith onto a tiny branch to get to the middle and kill the boss.

Your timing, while arms are trying to sweep you off, giant flaming scythe arms are tearing everything apart, and fucking chaos explosions are erupting everywhere, has to be perfect to land this jump. And you can still die to Chaos Firestorm inside the tree!

Do you know what that’s like?

And that’s an exceptionally good run!

Abrelepine: Well, at what point did you expect Savior Stu to face any true challenges. The author clearly realized that Ornstein and Smough was a terrible idea and he’d make his character seem far too underpowered if he had that much trouble again. He’d have a heart attack if he read one of your fights.

Yeah, I’m the guy who writes 20 page long fight scenes, 8-10 at the minimum, because I’m insane and like to actually show my characters in a long and epic struggle. And I know you want to humiliate the Stu, but alas regulations disallow it. I would gladly write eight pages of you showing him what a real OP piece of shit character looks like in full tilt.

So he headed back with some heavy wounds from the fight.

I’m so glad you told us, else I’d think you ice-skated through the worst, most artificially difficult boss in Dark Souls history.

Soon he would have to kill the hollow Lord Gwyn, and save the entire world. But he did not know what it would take to do so.

Hold on:

Okay, you may Wangst now.

Abrelepine: That is actually a very lovely song, for this situation and in general.

I kno rite?

He could re lite the flame as others have but this will only work for a while.

If not for the fact this is the second linking of the fire ever, and no-one knows that yet.

??? Counter: 50

Or he could ignore his duty but that was out of question.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: How noble of you to heroically deny the Dark Lord option, which was never brought up or developed in this fiction.

??? CoUnt3r: 51

So his decision was final. He would use the Saviors Casting power to save lands with his gauntlets. This would, with the power of Lord Gwyn’s soul, and from the Kiln of the first flame, be able to cast on the entire world. But he might not be spared even with this much power, he may be burned to death by the casting

…What?

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I’m not sure myself.

Abrelepine: Since this is so barren of context, I’ll just assume he plans to rewrite the laws of reality itself to completely annul the cycle of light and dark completely. What does the committee say?

I don’t give a fuck how OP he is, you cannot fucking do it. Period. Not an option.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: The universe is a little beyond his ability to change.

[All Ding and no Dong makes the buzzer a dull button]: MMMMCMXC

Okay then, let’s just skip the essay on why the concept of “fixing” the cycle of light and dark is fundamentally fucked and just say that… no.

You heard it here first folks, Savior Stu now has author tier on the sliding scale of powers, and plans to literally rewrite the universe to fix everything! I’m going to call it here, since I’ve already hugely trespassed over my usual limit with all my infodumps and speeches. Just one instalment to go, see you next time, may the flames guide us all.

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26 Comments on “1680: The Savior – Chapters Fourteen, Fifteen, and Sixteen”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    He went to her but she rushed to him with tears of joy an jumped in his arms. “IT HAPPENED! I AM PREGNANT!” He realized of coarse his promise was fulfilled and he surely couldn’t keep fucking her. Not while she was carrying a child.

    Otherwise… the… baby will get semen poisoning?

    This one’s a little beyond my usual areas of expertise.

    • GhostCat says:

      Technically people can have sex while the woman is pregnant; the penis never really penetrates the uterus even during non-pregnancy sex, so the baby isn’t in any danger of blunt force trauma. The amniotic sac protects the baby from any jostling caused by “activities” and there’s a mucus plug that seals up the uterus to prevent infections.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, I think it’s really just the inevitable morning sickness that prevents people.

      • GhostCat says:

        I have no personal experience in the matter, but I’ve read that the hormones associated with pregnancy can make women extremely loving at certain points so morning sickness might not be that big of a deal-breaker.

      • SC says:

        So, really, the only thing stopping a pregnant couple is the extent of their own caution.

        Though, if Sex Sent Me to the ER has shown me anything, caution is in worryingly short supply for some couples, pregnant or not.

      • "Lyle" says:

        Ya lot of times it’s more mental than anything. Some people find it a turn off that there’s another human inside the woman. Or the woman may not want to because pregnancy sucks, everything hurts and has bloated by at least 25%, and fuck that noise.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    I’ll give him Not!Hollowing and it will totally make him feel more human!”

    Which, from what little I know about metaphysics in Dark Souls, seems completely bass-ackwards.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Hey, I don’t know if it shows, but your constant demeaning of Quelaan has gone from annoying to infuriating fucking.

    Fixed it for you.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    The Dukes Archives was a strange place indeed. Crystals and books are the only two descriptive words needed to accurately depict this massive place.

    Well, also ‘massive’ and ‘strange’, apparently.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    He thanked the Savior and told the same story Nito told him. The Lord Soul offered did the same as the other did, absorbing into his gauntlets, that now almost sang inaudible words at a low tone.

    It’s not often that the setting is forced to literally sing the praises of a Gary Stu.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    They gave it to him and shook their heads, having been muted incurably by Life drain. an unexplained power that curses horribly and eventually leads one to the abyss and mutes you.

    I wish we could ‘mute’ the Stu.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Are you afraid that bringing Ceaseless Discharge back to life will put another man between you and Quelaag?

    Well with a name like ‘Ceaseless Discharge’, I’d imagine so!

    Ick.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    Here’s a picture of the Bed of Chaos:

    It’s a… tree?

    What’s bedlike about it?

    Actually, why are you even fighting a ‘bed’ to begin with?

    • Leider Hosen says:

      *dons lore glasses* Short version:

      The Bed of Chaos is what’s left of the Witch of Izalith. You know how Quelaag had a spider for an ass when she melded with a Chaos parasite? Well, the Witch of Izalith got a tree for an everything.

      Also, “Bed of Chaos” is a bit of a translation error: the direct translation is “Nursery of Chaos”, which makes sense as all demons are born of the Witch of Izalith. The big flaming spirit above the tree is likely a manifestation of her soul.

  9. TacoMagic says:

    The Dukes Archives was a strange place indeed. Crystals and books are the only two descriptive words needed to accurately depict this massive place.

  10. Swenia says:

    He also found the, “Savior’s Great Junction Wave,” the second most powerful Savior’s Casting.

    Well now, that’s the most pretentious thing I’ve ever heard anyone call their taint.


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