1679: SONIC HIGH SCHOOL – Chapter TenPosted: February 6, 2017
Lina: I thought that sobbing voicemail you left me meant you weren’t doing this fic again until you found something else to work on.
I ran out of time to find another one. That’s why you’re here today.
Lina: I’m not doing this on my own. I only have a half-hour break from work.
You make your own hours.
Lina: Yeah, and I made it so I only have half an hour so I won’t have to riff this with you for very long.
Touché. Well, shall we?
Lina: What did I miss?
Rouge had her baby in the cafeteria over lunch time, Knuckles was the father, Shadow killed-not-killed his mother in order to protect her from Eggman, Amy’s room was rearranged, and Espio and Knuckles are going to have a throw down because they both slept with Rouge.
Lina: … Bloody hell.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I was going to make this the last chapter, but everyone just loves it, and my brain keeps exploding with new ideas, so I am going to continue SONIC HIGH SCHOOL for some longer time and make more chapters.
Goddmanit. We were almost done!
“Why are YOU here?” screamed Tails with the anger of a million angry birds.
Oh, I forgot to mention how Tails has the full rage of a demonic salad at seeing Sonic.
Lina: Lover’s tiff?
Sonic was too busy doing [thing] and missed Tails winning the science fair, then he chose to help Espio slip Rouge “bortion” drugs instead of going after Tails to make amends.
Lina: Ooph. He’d better pick up some roses and a bottle of wine.
Sonic was shocked because Tails was his best friend, and Tails was smart, but Tails was super pissed at Sonic for not coming to the Science Competition even though they were Best Friends. Sonic moved his mouth but words didn’t come out because he did not know what to say. Sonic was a mixture of mad and sad and frustrating because he did not know what he could do to get Tails to be his friend again.
Lina: Here’s a crazy idea: Apologize sincerely and ask how you can make it up to him. And then follow through with not being a git.
At times like this, Sonic thought about Amy’s fine body because it set his mind at E’s.
… At this point I’m not sure whether or not I should be scolding him for thinking about Amy when he should be concentrating on Tails, or laughing because his mind is now full of E’s.
“I am here for my friend,” said Sonic. “Our friend. Espio. We are still friends too, Tails, you are just too mad to see that.”
Lina: I’ll take ‘How Not to Make Things Better’ for 1000.
You found the game show channel, did you?
Lina: I don’t understand why we need twenty thousand channels when that one is enough.
“I know what I see!” said Tails, kind of screaming. “I am so smart!”
Modesty? What is that?
Espio tried to get in between them even though it was his house that they were in right now and said “Guys, please, let’s just make sure I can fight Knuckles and not get owned!”
“How dare you guys be angry at each other for Sonic’s inability to friend properly! Pay attention to meeeeeeeee!”
Sonic and Knuckles ignored him for the moment and continued to be in a fuss.
Lina: *snorts* That’s a very Canadian way of saying they’re fighting.
Naw, if they were fighting Canadian style, there’d be hockey sticks and profuse apologizing involved after each hit.
“I am sorry, bro! I don’t understand. What can I do to make our friendship the best one ever once again?” said Sonic to Tails.
Lina: There ya go!
Tails wiggled his two tails and looked to the side in a thinking way. “I don’tot know,” said Tails to Sonic. “But you know what, here, take this.” Tails took out a blue book from a spot and threw it on the ground in front of Sonic. It was what it was when Sonic looked at it. It was Sonic’s journal!
“What? How did you get this?” said Sonic to Tails. “I gave this to Ms. Lesson before she read about my balls’ problems.”
“I lied. I did not go to the Science Competition that night. I still went to school, but instead of going to the Science Competition, I used my science hat of invisibility to sneak into Ms. Lesson’s room and get your journal. I wanted to get your journal so that no one else could read your business and see your gay ball problems that I know you still have even though you think you are getting better. I was going to give it back to you, but you were not there at the competition like you should have been, even though I am such a good friend to you. Even now, when I could have been reaching my moment of genius, I was doing a thing for you because I want you to be happy.” Tails said to Sonic with a voice of emotion.
Would you like to do the honors?
Lina: *taps the buzzer*
Troll be a Misogynistic Bigot: 12
Now, that aside, Tails is truly the best character in this story.
Sonic did not know what to say. High School drama was so insane to be a part of. Sonic picked up his journal and felt like he was going to cry because he was being an asshole jerk to his best friend who was only trying to make him happy. “Tails, you did not have to do this,” finally said Sonic respondingly.
As horrible as this story is, at least Sonic is having a reasonable reaction to the situation.
“What matters is that I did,” said Tails. “And also that you did not care for my special day because you were too busy trying to be True BoyFriend and GirlFriend with Amy. Goodbye, Sonic,” said Tails right before he flew out Espio’s bed room window with his flying tails, and then he did.
Lina: Kids got a point.
“This is so shitty,” said Espio to Sonic who was now the only other person in his bed room. “I still have to fight Knuckles tomorrow but your different kind of fight with Tails is just as crazy.”
“That is for me to figure out with Tails,” said Sonic. “Let’s get back to making sure you can not be defeated by Knuckles.” Sonic and Espio spent all night in Espio’s bedroom, reading books and watching videos about fighting and learning how to be the best at it. By the time the night was over, Espio was ready to face Knuckles.
Yeah, no. Despite what every 80’s montage wants you to believe, you cannot learn to fight overnight.
Lina: And you’re especially not going to learn to do it from YouTube.
They went to school on this new day and school happened and was over and now they were in the hall, where Knuckles said to meet him to fight. There was a crowd of people around him that included Sonic who looked worried, Rouge who looked worried and with her baby, and Vector who was smiling. Also in the crowd was Tails and with him, Cream the Rabbit, who was Charmy Bee’s GirlFriend.
And we couldn’t just say ‘everyone was there’ because….?
Cream was a little woman
and pretty smart, but not as smart as Tails. Her boobs were smaller than both Amy’s and Rouge’s, but they were still high quality in their own way. It is surprising to most people that a gay like Charmy was even allowed to have a Girlfriend, but it just goes to show you that the impossible is not what you think it is. Then Espio jumped over the crowd into the middle where Knuckles was.
*smacks the buzzer*
Troll be a Misogynistic Bigot: 13
1.) Gay people can date whoever they want, just like straight people. Yeah, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to date a woman if you’re into men, but each to their own.
2.) “Allowed”? I beg your fucking pardon? Allowed?
3.) Charmy may be bisexual. So shove your bigotry back down your piehole.
“So you decided to come anyway!” said Knuckles. “Even though you know your ass is going to get torn up by my moves!”
Lina: If you’re tearing something, you’re doing it wrong.
“I do not want to fight you, Knuckles,” said Espio to Knuckles, “But I am doing this for Charmy and Rouge. I am doing this for Charmy because you kidnapped him and for Rouge because you do not respect her baby.”
Wait… did I miss something? When did Charmy get kidnapped?
Lina: *pulls out the backlog and starts flipping through* Just gimme a tick…
Lina: Charmy was collateral for Espio showing up to the rumble. End of chapter 9. You hit the Bigot counter for it.
Oooh. Oh, yeah. Moving on.
“Then let’s do this!” said Knuckles. Knuckles charged at Espio with his fists like an elephant running at a hunter trying to kill him for his powers,
Lina: I don’t believe any part of the elephant is used as a male enhancer, so your guess is as good as mine.
but Espio jumped out of the way and on to the wall like a pro jumper, which he learned how to do last night. Espio jumped at Knuckles with a kick move and Knuckles punched at his foot and they met with a purple and red explosion of power that knocked them both back. They continued to jump around
and attack each other and they did this for a while. It was difficult to watch for everyone.
Lina: Because of how bloody boring it was?
Considering that all they’re doing is jumping around, I’d say yes.
Rouge was in the crowd with her baby.
You already said that-
Well damn. How’s Dennis doing with his rehabilitation?
Lina: He’s still out with DuFresne. His last progress report was promising, though.
You wanna handle these guys then?
Lina: If it gets me out of riffing this for a while, sure. *charges into the hallway*
“This is so difficult to watch,” said Rouge.
Lina: *from the hallway* Your reinforcements mean nothing to me! Nothing!
“Violence should not be a solution to conflict,” said Rouge’s baby, peeking out between his hands.
How is the baby the wise one in this?
“You are right. Why do people do this like this? I hate it.” said Rouge to Rouge’s baby. Rouge had become a different person since she had a baby. She used to be only sexy, but now Rouge was sexy and matronly.
Props to the troll for at least acknowledging that women can still be sexy after having children. I’m not giving him a redemption cookie, but I’ll give him a slight nod.
“Yes. Fuck this evil world!” said Rouge’s baby.
*snort* And we’re right back into ridiculous.
Rouge then revealed her boob to her baby and had him eat from it as a baby would do.
And he’s also cool with public breastfeeding. I shall nod every so slightly in your direction once more, Mr. Troll.
Rouge’s baby thought this was the best part about being a baby because not everyone would get cool boobs like this delivered to them on their doorstep like a milkman. Babies did not have much to worry about anyway, so Rouge’s ace boobs made paradise a realty for baby. “I have a feeling,” said Rouge’s baby. “You should lie down and relax.” So Rouge lied down on her back and the fight continued to go on.
*takes back both slight nods* Okay, now we’re getting into creepy territory. Babies are interested in boobs because boobs are food sources. They don’t care what they look like or have any sort of feelings about them other than “food!”
Lina: *plops down into her chair and wipes blood off her face with the back of her hand* That was refreshing! And I got lunch in the process!
… You bit the DRD agents?
Lina: What? No. Bubbles brought me a sandwich. *holds up a paper bag* There’s some crisps in here if you’d like to share.
Lina: *peeks into the bag* Shrimp.
Knuckles and Espio were both bloody and gross looking, like two waiters who were holding messy foods and then walked into each other, causing the meals to launch into the air and then fall down on them and ruin the nice clothes they got from the store.
The similes in this sort of make all the pain of reading it worth it.
They were breathing hard and were tired but they kept going, jumping and kicking and punching and running. It looked like two people doing a dance, but hitting each other also. Knuckles kicked his feet out at Espio, but Espio jumped up and dodged them and came back down and hit Knuckles in the mouth and knocked him onto the floor/ground.
*twitch* A backslash. Seriously?
Lina: *munches on her crisps* I really don’t see why you Americans don’t like these. They’re fantastic.
You’re American, too, you know!
Lina: I’ve lived in England for nearly forty years.
Yeah, but you were legally dead when you got there and, thus, your citizenship never changed.
Lina: Details. *crunch*
“Is this enough yet! Are we done!” shouted Espio to Knuckles. “How will this ever end!” Knuckles looked up from the ground at Espio standing over him. Knuckles had a twinkie in his eye as he looked up at Espio and crawled towards him. Espio did not do anything but watch him and feel dangerous.
“Come closer,” said Knuckles in a whisper voice, so Espio bent down and put his face to Knuckles’s. Knuckles looked up and down Espio’s sweaty purple body and into his eyes and said “I respect you…” and then grabbed his face as gentle as a deer and kissed him on the mouth.
*tentative porno music blasts over the intercom system*
Well, that was entirely unexpected.
Lina: *hands Lyle half of a BLT* You can at least share the sandwich. You haven’t eaten more than cereal and Skittles all day.
How in the world would you know that?
Lina: Koori text me earlier.
When Knuckles kissed him, he did it extra hard, sometimes with his eyes shut and sometimes looking into Espio’s deep yellow eyes that looked like a circus of loving men.
It’s very hard to look someone in the eyes when you’re kissing them.
Their tongues met in the middle of their mouths like two chicken cutlets that were acting like cats that loved each other.
*chokes on a bite of sandwich*
When Espio was watching fighting videos last night, he was not expecting he was going to have to do kissing, too. But he liked it.
Lina: Time like this I wish Perky McNinja were here.
Lina: I’m sure I could turn this into something that would embarrass her.
They went on kissing for a full minute while everyone watched, wondering if they were done fighting or just taking a break to kiss. Finally, the back part of Knuckles’s body began to lift off the ground while his mouth was still making out with Espio. Eventually the power became so strong that his mouth was removed from Espio and their spit was like a shiny extension cord that connected an appliance to a wall outlet. Knuckles then began to glow while floating in the air, and the whole place became a little windy.
Okay, I’m lost. What the hell just happened?
Lina: Knuckles sucked Espio’s energy out of him like a Dementor?
On the side, Tails said to Cream, “Wow! I know what this is. This is a rare moment of science we will never see probably again in a lifetime or ever. It is called a Body Donation, and it was invented by Inestine.
Again, Einstein was not an inventor! He was a theoretical physicist! They aren’t the same things!
It is when someone reaches a moment of such powerful love that they can choose to restart their lives as part of the person they love. Inestine invented this by making his wife love him so much one night during a romance pasta dinner that she became a baby that was like him, but then he killed his wife the baby because he thought it was too dangerous to have her live on in the world without testing it in a laboratory first. It is a fact that if it looks like magic, it is not magic, it is science, so deal with it.”
Knuckles glided on the wind forward through the crowd of people in front of him and into Rouge’s mouth, where he disappeared into. It was a good thing Rouge’s baby had premonitions and told her to lie down, as then Knuckles did a U-Turn in Rouge’s sex-filled body and came out of her butt as a newborn baby that looked like Espio. This was all science.
I give up. I just… *sighs and walks out of the room*
Lina: Well, then. Guess I’ll finish lunch and get back to work. *pops another crisp in her mouth* I just don’t get why these don’t sell well.