1678: Chaos & Crimson

Title: Chaos & Crimson
Author: Darkcrimsonflame
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by agigibyte Cain and Glynda

Cain: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the replacement for lasagna-filled monotony. Of course, it comes in the form of a RWBY fic that immediately set off mental alarm bells for me with its summary.

Sorry about the parts i made it far to long i’ll make chapter two shorter if asked it won’t be as long with that out of the way

Addicted Reader to MarissaTheWriter scale of correct usage of the English language: A firm Sadielover1470

Cain: Do you know what I simply adore? Conversational summaries.

what will the girls find? with these two mysterious men? what will lay in wait for them? Romance?

Cain: I hope not.

Adventure?

Cain: Doubtful.

Destruction?

Cain: Probably.

or something on a far larger scale? only time will tell but one thing is for sure: their in for the time of their lived with these two

Cain: Now, I elected not to bring along any if my subordinates for this riff. Instead, I decided to enlist the help of an expert, from one of those “almost nothing bad ever happened” alternate universes. Meet a former Professor, now Commissar (not the Soviet or Warhammer type) Glynda Goodwitch.

Glynda dealing with your average Beacon food fight.

Glynda dealing with your average Beacon food fight.

Glynda: Hello. I am Glynda Goodwitch, formerly of Beacon Academy. I recently left the school for a change in pace, as my universe has pushed back the remaining Grimm, and defeated Salem.

Cain: Thank you for the introduction. Commissar Goodwitch likely won’t be around too often, as her role will be more centered around keeping the ridiculously unprofessional soldiers I have at my command from drowning the ship in sheer stupidity. However, she will occasionally be around helping out in riffs and comments, especially this. Now, if the Commissar has nothing else to add, I believe we should begin.

*Glynda nods*

A loud crash was heard just outside the front gates of beacon academy the four members of team RWBY team leader Ruby Rose and her three teammates Yang xiao long, Weiss schenne and Blake belladonna all hear the crash and go out to investigate changing from their school attire to their usual ones all of them grabbing their respective weapons in case somehow it’s a Grimm but what they find at the front gates none of them expected.

Addicted Reader to MarissaTheWriter scale of correct usage of the English language: Revised to MarissaTheWriter with less CAPS LOCK

Glynda: Do most of these “fanfics” you review have such distastefully sudden introductions?

Cain: Yes.

Glynda: Do they also often have run-on sentences?

Cain: Yes.

Glynda: Wonderful.

Cain: Gunnery, break this paragraph down.

A loud crash was heard just outside the front gates of beacon academy

Cain: As the Commissar mentioned, this introduction is extremely sudden. We have no framing, no description, just an immediate “loud crash”.

the four members of team RWBY team leader Ruby Rose and her three teammates Yang xiao long, Weiss schenne and Blake belladonna

Glynda: I don’t know how anyone could manage to misspell “Schnee” in such a manner, but this author has done it.

Cain: The surname has been so thoroughly mangled that I would barely recognize it without context. What’s even more baffling is that the author got Blake’s last name right. It isn’t particularly complicated, but Schnee is a much simpler name.

all hear the crash and go out to investigate changing from their school attire to their usual ones all of them grabbing their respective weapons

Cain: I’d think that would take a few minutes to accomplish. It takes under a minute for a veteran soldier to change between two identical standard-issue jumpsuits, and Team RWBY neither have standard issue jumpsuits or are veteran soldiers.

Glynda: Speaking of their attire, the school uniform would more than likely be their usual attire unless they spent all of their free time dressed in their combat uniforms. We are a school, and students spend a large amount of time in classes.

Cain: Speaking of which, we don’t know yet what day this is on. Is it a school day? When is it? Are they ditching classes?

Glynda: They’d better not be.

in case somehow it’s a Grimm but what they find at the front gates none of them expected.

Cain: Of course it isn’t. It’s probably a pair of teenaged boys who are oh-so-handsome and talented.

Two men one aged of about 16

Cain: The first sentence of this next wall of text has already proven me at least half correct.

Glynda: Well, the first sentence is the entire paragraph. Honestly, is it that hard to utilize basic punctuation?

Cain: Don’t say the word hard. Many of the denizens of the Library are, as I’ve said, less than mature.

with three colors in his hair: white on the left black on the right and red tinges within both the men stood about 6 feet tall his eye’s were blood red they looked as red as a blood moon itself the clothes he wore he wore a shirt with an insigna on it the same insigna the weapon he had sheathed on his back had: an insigna of a black wolf head within a crescent moon having three claw marks like the white fang insigna through it these three parts to the insigna symbolized the secret of the weapon.
The shirt was colored white his jacket pitch black with the same insigna on the back of the jacket his pant’s were the same colour and fabric as his jacket black and very flexible easy to move around in he also looked buff but not so that he looks large with muscle and slow but strong and agile a trait along with his good looks Yang found attractive she shook it off however thinking that she doesn’t even know the guy… yet.

Cain: This, Commissar, is what we call “clothing porn” or “costume porn”. I’m sure you can tell why. Allow me to fix this description as an example.

“…with three different colors throughout his hair. On the left, it was white, and on the right, black. Both sides had red tinges. The man stood about six feet tall, and his eyes were blood red. His shirt had an insignia on it, the head of a black wolf within a crescent moon. Striking through this were three claw marks, similar to the emblem of the white fang. The shirt he wore was white, while the jacket was black. His pants were black, as well, and looked very flexible. He had a lean musculature, almost certainly an agile combatant.”

Cain: Not only is my version about half the length of the original (partially because I removed the mention of a weapon the team should not be able to see fully, and the emblem on the back of the jacket, similarly out of sight), but it also describes the outfit far better. Rather than wasting time with run-on sentences and redundant comparisons, it is a simple description of the various aspects of his clothing.

At that moment the other man stood up although he looked quite good too there was something quite terrifying about him his eye’s glowed red not like the other one’s but like a Grimm’s for a moment the girls stood their thinking for a moment he was a new type of Grimm without the mask but he bore no resebelence to an animal he looked human but his eye’s still glowed red and a smile that looked horrifying beyond anything else was spread across his face it soon dissapeared however as he noticed the girls weren’t going to be people to him worthy of fighting

Glynda: Team RWBY are some of the most talented young students I have seen. I sincerely doubt that a sixteen-year old, no matter how talented, could take on all four without an extraordinarily powerful semblance.

Cain: Perhaps he is actually in his hundreds, and simply looks sixteen. I doubt, however, that this is the case. This is far too author (and friend of the author) avatar-like for me to have any faith in this fic.

this one looked different

Cain: Most people are not identical twins with someone else, so that is to be expected.

his clothes were ragged and teared slightly he had claw marks across his arms three on each side just below the shoulder area his face also had a clean single claw mark across his right cheek seeming like he had been in many fights although the scars looked quite knew they didn’t seem to vase him in the slightest his hair was black and rough his shirt and pants were covered in dirt that made the brown ragged torn clothing look like something of a warriors clothing that just came out of a great war

he was different to the one next to him in two other way’s also he bore no insigna and most strangely of all he had no weapon the girls could see no weapon on him what so ever they were confused and curious as to why that was but didn’t dare to ask not wanting to anger the person as he looks like one with a quick temper ”probably even shorter than mine” Yang thought she got many ideas to find out but she didn’t try them not yet at least.

Cain: These switches between third-person omniscient and apparent third-person limited are beginning to annoy me.

Glynda: No weapon? Very few people I know of can be considered more than “decent” at hand-to-hand combat, and even they use some sort of weapon. Perhaps it is concealed, similarly to Mercury Black’s boots.

a few moments passed then Glynda goodwitch and professor Ozpin came Ozpin greeting the two very casually the ragged clothed one merely growled at Glynda while the one with the special insigna greeted professor Ozpin casually shaking his hand and speaking as if he were very close friends with Ozpin ”Hello Ozpin”

Glynda: Sixteen year olds this informal with us? Doubtful.

Cain: More alarm bells.

he said as he stretched out his hand to greet the man back Ozpin took his hand giving his own greeting ”Hello” at that the two stopped shaking hands and Ozpin looked to see the ragged clothed one then proceeded to look back to the one he had just shaken hands with ”So you brought Chaos with you did you?’’

Cain: He would be named Chaos. Tell me, Glynda. Does that word bring to mind any specific colors?

Glynda: No. So either this character is extraordinarily old for his appearance, or he is even less well thought through than we believed.

professor Ozpin had a concerned look on his face even showing signs of fear.

Cain: This is reaching the point of absolute stupidity very quickly.

”Well more or less he came whether i wanted him too or not… don’t worry Ozpin he’s harmless as long as no one angers him although he can sense Glynda doesn’t agree with the way he looks and feels…” the man spoke with concern in his voice also toward both Glynda and the one now known to the girls as Chaos the four girls thought the name suited him he looked like someone who would cause such things like destruction and anarchy after a moment of silence Ruby and Yang both simultaneously decided to speak up and ask the one still unknown what his name was ”Excuse me umm… what’s your name exactly? if his is Chaos what’s yours?” both sisters looked at each other for a moment they weren’t expecting to speak at the same time.

Glynda: Wonderful. Speaking in unison. A hallmark of well-made fiction.

Cain: By the way, Darkcrimsonflame, lampshading something stupid only makes it less stupid under very specific circumstances, and you are not doing so under those circumstances.

the man for a moment merely stared at the two then gave a light heart warming smile as he spoke ”My name is Dark you can just call me Crimson though if you want my full name it’s Dark crimson fire”

Cain: That name seems familiar, though I can’t quite place it…

*Awkward silence*

Glynda: I was supposed to respond, wasn’t I?

Cain: It’s fine. It takes a bit for most people to make their jokes flow well together.

the four girls gasped in shock as his last name was revealed

Cain: I would be dumbfounded too, if I heard that someone had such a ridiculous surname. Poor child.

at that moment Blake decided to ask the question she wished to be answered now

Glynda: That is a rather sensible reason for someone to ask a question.

Cain: So sensible, in fact, that there’s really no reason to specify that.

”So your saying your from the fire family? the legendary family with it’s clan known as the Night’s Flame? how are we supposed to believe your from that family and clan of all of them?’

Cain: First off, of course he’s part of a legendary family and legendary clan. Second, would it kill you to use apostrophes? Thirdly, that is actually a sensible question. One redemption cookie.

Glynda: Redemption… cookie?

Cain: The Library generates cookies for authors when they do something well, though the type of cookie is based upon their preferences and how well they redeemed themselves relative to the quality of the fic.

Glynda: The Library is strange.

Cain: Yes.

the one who wished to be called Crimson didn’t become agitated at Blake’s question but merely kept his same calm and friendly stature ”That’s true but only members of the clan which in turns makes someone apart of the fire family knows of the names of the three weapons that are needed to allow the legendary weapon known as: Night’s Fury and also only the true heir to the throne can wield that weapon for it’s power is far to great for just anyone to hold without special permission from the ”ace card” of the clan and you all have seen pictures that are distributed to Beacon during a lesson on weapons of great power correct? then this weapon should look quite familiar”

Cain: Of course he’s an heir to a legendary clan.

Glynda: In addition, he has a legendary weapon that is taught about in classes.

at those words Crimson unsheathes the weapon in it’s gun form then switching it to what looks like a
combination between a scythe 3x the size of Crescent Rose,,

Glynda: Is the author just naming a random size? The Crescent Rose is over two meters long on its own.

Cain: Six meters is over twenty feet, for anyone who uses the US Standard system. Perhaps it means width, but I doubt it.

a sword, a shotgun and a sniper rifle almost identical to the caliibur of Crescent Rose.

Cain: And… that’s it. It just cuts off. Three more chapters to go. This fic has not been updated since April, so this shouldn’t take long.

Glynda: Until next time.

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28 Comments on “1678: Chaos & Crimson”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Title: Chaos & Crimson

    Well, this is gonna be interesting…

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    what will the girls find? with these two mysterious men? what will lay in wait for them? Romance?
    Adventure?
    Destruction?

    or something on a far larger scale?

    Or just a crapton of question marks?

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    My name is Dark you can just call me Crimson though if you want my full name it’s Dark crimson fire

    You must have had very spiteful parents.

  4. BatJamags says:

    Ruby Rose and her three teammates Yang xiao long, Weiss schenne and Blake belladonna

    *Twitches*

    You got the order wrong.

  5. BatJamags says:

    all hear the crash and go out to investigate changing from their school attire to their usual ones all of them grabbing their respective weapons

    GAH! Tense whiplash! It’s Creepypasta Month all over again!

  6. BatJamags says:

    Cain: Don’t say the word hard. Many of the denizens of the Library are, as I’ve said, less than mature.

    I’m not immature. I’m just making a reference to another Rooster Teeth show. That said, bow chicka bow wow.

  7. BatJamags says:

    with three colors in his hair: white on the left black on the right and red tinges within both

    One hair color usually suffices, Enoby.

    his eye’s were blood red they looked as red as a blood moon itself

    You might want to get that checked out.

    an insigna of a black wolf head within a crescent moon having three claw marks like the white fang insigna through it

    That just sounds unnecessarily complicated.

    • BatJamags says:

      The shirt was colored white his jacket pitch black with the same insigna on the back of the jacket his pant’s were the same colour and fabric as his jacket black and very flexible easy to move around in he also looked buff but not so that he looks large with muscle and slow but strong and agile a trait along with his good looks

      Oh good god it’s not done.

  8. BatJamags says:

    Yang found attractive she shook it off however thinking that she doesn’t even know the guy… yet.

    The Stus always seem to latch onto poor Yang for some reason.

  9. BatJamags says:

    “…with three different colors throughout his hair. On the left, it was white, and on the right, black. Both sides had red tinges. The man stood about six feet tall, and his eyes were blood red. His shirt had an insignia on it, the head of a black wolf within a crescent moon. Striking through this were three claw marks, similar to the emblem of the white fang. The shirt he wore was white, while the jacket was black. His pants were black, as well, and looked very flexible. He had a lean musculature, almost certainly an agile combatant.”

    “… a boy, about sixteen years old, in dark clothing which bore a symbol of a wolf’s head. His hair was in three colors, with white on the left, black on the right, and tinges of red throughout. His eyes were similarly crimson.”

    Nothing wrong with yours, I just prefer minimalist descriptions when possible.

  10. BatJamags says:

    At that moment the other man stood up although he looked quite good too there was something quite terrifying about him his eye’s glowed red not like the other one’s but like a Grimm’s for a moment the girls stood their thinking for a moment he was a new type of Grimm without the mask but he bore no resebelence to an animal he looked human but his eye’s still glowed red and a smile that looked horrifying beyond anything else was spread across his face it soon dissapeared however as he noticed the girls weren’t going to be people to him worthy of fighting

    This one at least might look interesting if he was better described.

    his clothes were ragged and teared slightly he had claw marks across his arms three on each side just below the shoulder area his face also had a clean single claw mark across his right cheek seeming like he had been in many fights although the scars looked quite knew they didn’t seem to vase him in the slightest his hair was black and rough his shirt and pants were covered in dirt that made the brown ragged torn clothing look like something of a warriors clothing that just came out of a great war

    he was different to the one next to him in two other way’s also he bore no insigna and most strangely of all he had no weapon the girls could see no weapon on him what so ever they were confused and curious as to why that was but didn’t dare to ask not wanting to anger the person as he looks like one with a quick temper

    BETTER DOESN’T MEAN MORE!

  11. BatJamags says:

    ”probably even shorter than mine” Yang thought she got many ideas to find out but she didn’t try them not yet at least.

    Like X character, but moreso! That’s definitely not an annoying way to describe an OC!

  12. BatJamags says:

    Cain: He would be named Chaos. Tell me, Glynda. Does that word bring to mind any specific colors?

    Green, man. I mean, you see somebody wearing blue, you’re all like, “yeah, whatever.” But somebody wearing green? Crazy. Unpredictable. You don’t know what this guy’s gonna do!

  13. BatJamags says:

    ”Excuse me umm… what’s your name exactly? if his is Chaos what’s yours?”

    That’s a very long, complicated, and specific phrase to say in unison with someone before realizing you’re doing so.

  14. BatJamags says:

    Dark crimson fire

    Crimson because he cut himself on all of his edge.

  15. BatJamags says:

    the one who wished to be called Crimson didn’t become agitated at Blake’s question but merely kept his same calm and friendly stature ”That’s true but only members of the clan which in turns makes someone apart of the fire family knows of the names of the three weapons that are needed to allow the legendary weapon known as: Night’s Fury and also only the true heir to the throne can wield that weapon for it’s power is far to great for just anyone to hold without special permission from the ”ace card” of the clan and you all have seen pictures that are distributed to Beacon during a lesson on weapons of great power correct? then this weapon should look quite familiar”

    Ow, the stuishness.

  16. BatJamags says:

    combination between a scythe 3x the size of Crescent Rose,,

    So, big enough to live in?

  17. Leider Hosen says:

    Addicted Reader to MarissaTheWriter scale of correct usage of the English language: A firm Sadielover1470

    Oh no.

    Cain: That name seems familiar, though I can’t quite place it…

    OH NO

    of course he’s part of a legendary family and legendary clan.

    If you claim you can turn Grimm good again and try to bang Yang I’m declaring Exterminatus on your ass.

  18. Delta XIII says:

    Glynda: The Library is strange.

    Understatement of the [SWEARWORD] century.

  19. Craft store says:

    Possibly the most recognized jewellery and craft shops within Singapore, Oohwala (often called Rashiwala Bros found at Arab Street) has been helping designers and amateurs over the past 70 years. Tourists flock right down to Arab Street and stop at this shop to look at the myriad of rhinestones and pieces that are showcased on the cabinets. The classic and antique touch to the shop generates a timeless feeling that is definitely exclusive to this store. Do not determine a shop by it’s cover, the gemstones and rhinestones offered for sale listed here are among the cheapest in Singapore, available at inexpensive price even if bought in regular quantities. In the weeks to come, they shall be including to their online listing to reflect all of the goods that can be purchased in the physical store. Their future catalogues will include but are not limited to BeCharmed and Pave, Jewelry making tools, 925 silver components, tassels, fringes and trimmings.


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