1677: Scarlet – Chapters Two and Three

Title: Scarlet
Author: sadnesseggxxx
Media: Movies
Topic: Scream
Genre: Romance & Spiritual
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by Angie and Andilliteman

Disclaimer: Literally everything bad about the first chapter has been pushed to the nth degree in this one. Fair warning.

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 11

Good morning, patrons! And welcome to a special edition of Scarlet, the fanfiction that made Angie cry, in which case…it only gets worse.

Niel: Worse!

Thanks.

*sigh* So, let’s get on with it, eh?

oh ym gerd almitty god tity charlie is still a f@g we ned tu stop dos!111!1

Oh dear…I remember why I hated this fanfic so dearly. Alright.

ok so almost i have ben iting comits that call me homo-fobic

I’m not fucking surprised. But apparently you are, so that has to count for something.

I”M NOT HOMO_FOBIC OK! I JUST THINK THAT THEIR GROSSSSSS! IMG!

I’m not homophobic…I just think that they’re gross.

That’s the equivalent of ‘I’m not arachnophobic, I’m just scared of spiders.’

*smacks* Dumbass.

dude the lord hates them bc there gross and aginst god!

No, quite the opposite. The Lord takes pity on them because He loves everybody and wants to relieve them of sin. And not all gay people are against God. I’ve met so many amazing gay people who are firm believers of God. Suck my ass, Archer.

maryage is beteen a men and a women. -.- y cant u c thet there al gong tu hale!

Because your arguments are invalid, twatwaffle. That’s why.

Stup flamming da storee prepz.

scatlet waked to clas. sudanly, hee relesed dat dere das do deople dn da dlass. “shat” she sad.

Di donder dho dhey dre.

she waked aund da cerner but reliased it wus sartrdu.

Who? What? What are you talking about?

“o” she sad and wint hom.

Yeah, because that’s for sure how it works. If there are people in your home period, you go home. That makes sense.

as she walked she saw sum pople alung a stret cerner holeing sins. ‘god hats f@gs’

Apparently Scarlet lives in Utah. This is 100% what goes on where I live.

‘f@gs dom nashuns’ etc they sad!

Archer! Stop trying to force your religion on your readers!

‘oh my god you are so smart!1’ screemed scerlet.

*sigh* Goddamnit.

“oh ym god we r!’ sad the westbereo batist curch.

Fucking what?

“u no i hav a gay frand u shud go kill him ok.”

Isn’t killing something that Christians generally try not to do?

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 12

“sursad the wesgberoe batist curch.
so scarlet wint to charli’s hos and piked the lok on the dor. shee wint in and creapt to de terp fler in sterin gong to the stars the red b=carrpeted stars.

Wait…what even…?

shee tuernedf to de doer and lookied in thro the keyhol. wut she saw surprized her.

Was it a Giant Distracting Object ™?

cherlei was nacked. ohmygod he was hot and his 50 inch dick was erekt.

Jesus fucking Christ. That’s gotta be painful as fuck. A 50 inch dick? Jesus!

scarlit fellt hersef go weet loking at it,. buot besid him, robie was nacked two and bennyt ovr at teh weast. sudanly, cfharlie slamed his big cok into robie’s virgin anus.

No, clearly Robby is not a virgin. You’ve made it clear they’ve had sex. You can’t go back. There are no take backs.

*phone rings, Angie picks up the phone*

Yeah?

Lyle: *over the phone* If you need to borrow my blanket fort for the riff, go for it.

FUCK YEAH!!! *dive bombs into Lyle’s blanket fort*

Okay, let’s do this shit!

“fuk yes oh oh oh o o

Ooo?

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

OH MY GOD SKIP.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oo o o oo o ooooooooooooo!’ he holed. she allso herd anuther voice that was gonig

Is it over? *peeks from under the blanket* Thank goodness.

“oh my god god god oho god god hotygjmykitmnreyiklkryemny

God damnit!

,mhnykjlt,gkbht8nupoklgmgthujkfrgbrhjkrfirjrjbhkaeltestaetetete” robie screemed as he was pentraded.

Jesus fucking Christ, the random noises never end.

Niel: Viagra!

Shut your mouth!

sudanly scratlet brst in tro da dur.

Wait, wasn’t Scarlet already in the room? Isn’t that…how else would…never mind.

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 13

“oh my go in my hos” screemed charlie

She already is in your house, Charlie. Or are we just describing the same scene three times from three different points of view?

Ghostie would hate this.

“y ur aginst god!” shoted scarlet.

Why are you against God? Why, you are against God? I have no idea what you’re saying.

“fuk of” he sad and contined to sin and skam deeeeep into robbie, hoo was wrigling under him, moning from or-gamsm.

Wait…I have a bad feeling…

sudanly de westbereo batist curk breast in and begin to hit robie and cherlie with da sins.

Don’t…don’t you fucking do it.

“fuk oh oggw wwwwowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowoooooooooooooowowowowowwowowow” they sreemed.

God DAMNIT! Go to hell, author!

“u r da reeson amerkai sux as” dey sad at sim tim.

Yeah, no kidding.

Wait…I have a feeling this is the church saying it and not Charlie and Robby.

*headpillow*

sudanly… carby breast in!

Cool! Wait, who?

So Crusty Boobs comes in and does…what.

shee begin to bral, makiing frad felps hav a hert atak n die (rip fred falps u r my heroo. im sad u dyed in merch, i cryed for ours and mi perents hade a minu fenural in youre yarde.) carby kaled al da weastbereo bapist curch.

Oh, cool cool. (I have no idea what just happened)

“oh my god u brok teh tin comandents sge sad.”

“scarlet, im sery for kaling them but charlie isnt gay.”

“wel hes not strat.”

He’s bi.

“hes bi”

Nailed it.

“bi no exist, u r gaay r srtat.” scartlet sad, her beatyiful har flowngf behid her.

Funny. Last time I checked, I was abro. Alright.

Also, beautiful hair?

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 14

“wel i dunt want u 2 kale him.”

Isn’t the plan to kill him? Look, I’m down and all, if that’ll make this fanfiction end sooner, but really.

“scarlet sighed” ok carby fin. al da while charly was stil comiting a sin and sodofofmising robie, hoo was recerding it in 1st perrson and puting it on hal pas.

He was…what? Recording it in first person? And putting it on a hall pass? What the fuck are you talking about, Archer?

sudanly, jil and trever breast out of deh winder.

You might think I’m just generally summarising the story, but nope. I’m reading this in real time.

“hi we’re recreding dis, charlie, u recerd us win urdun?”

“sur” he sad.

Why would you agree to videotaping being caught fucking another guy? Wait wait wait WAIT NO I DI—

“OIMG U R MSKING PRONOGRaPY 2!111!1 $# 4 ?$3%?25384i7!”

GOD DAMNIT I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS.

sudanly…

I hate all the suddenlies in this fic. This is less of a story and more of a basic plot line written on a Samsung Galaxy.

olivey breast out of deh winder wit a al u loin eet bufat in her bar AND

Oh my god, come on. We’re so fucking close to the end, just. Oh my god.

masterbateing and haveing sidnrey

WHERE. DID. SIDNEY. COME. FROM.

eet her ot and wearing polieester and plat nigger lemon seds and soybeens in da sam feld and lusfly staring at trever abnd divering hewr husnebdn randie and not stonging robie and carly!

Let me call you when I care, Scarlet. Let me call you when I care.

“ON MY GOEMRHLntm34jbrgwdhfghrhrhbn,mtgew rgjhnm gmhrmgewqfe oghtewjg=9n[u6yhuibudfsgurq; 4ewon rmgewbyn ,hrv3j5hni5hni5hni5hni3gwktmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjtmfjeryg6f”

*Angie bomb* Tic tic tic tic tic tic BOOM.

Hiraani: *glances at Angie, in bits and pieces on the floor* Huh.

sudanly TJ breast oyut of beg

Fucking stop. Seriously, why is any of this necessary at all? Jesus-fuck!

wibder and sad “god no exast!”

Clearly not. If he did, I’m gonna write him a strongly worded letter since he allowed this monstrosity of a fanfic to be put on the internet. Twat!

tj dyed of hert atack cus he fattie cow

And with that whole hunk of nothing, the fic ends. It was interesting to say the—

stop leeving bulayin revews ok!

Oh no. Oh fuck no I am not continuing through this alone.

*picks up phone, dials number* Hey Andy?

Andy: Hey. What’s up? How did you get this?

Through blind luck and a deal with the devil.

Andy: Oh, well isn’t that just lovely. What’s going on here?

I decided there was no humanly possible way I could get through this fic alone.

Andy: Alright, cool. Be there in a moment.

*Moments later*

Andy: Yo.

Hey, hi. Lyle told me I could use her blanket fort for this riff.

Andy: Ah. Blanket forts are nice. Is there room for a banana, as well?

Yeah, as long as we clean up the garbage. Shall we begin?

Andy: Absolutely. We’ve been screwing around long enough. Where are we here?

Recap: Emo Sue Scarlet Archer wants a guy but he’s gay and she’s been spending half the fic being homophobic.

Andy: Is that all?

Literally nothing else has happened. They’re having sex right now and Scarlet called up the Westboro Church to kill him.

Andy: …

Andy: You brought me into a Christian fanatic sex fic? Are you trying to kill me? Is this because of the Dumbass incident? I said I was sorry.

Only mildly. Anyway, let’s get into it for realsies.

its no mi chos if gerd desids geys r imortal ok!11?21?111111111!11!11!1111!111!1!1!111!1!1111111
!11!1
11
!11

Andy: Good lord. I don’t have enough bullets for this.

Baby’s got a few, but they’re toy bullets.

Baby: “Ka-blam!”

Not sure if that helps.

Andy: Ugh.

gad sad geys r imortal so stop! he creted u ho wud u fel if u mad lays and noone foloed tem ok!11!1!11

Andy: Can we get a translation on that second sentence?

Well, I’m fairly certain Scarlet’s butthurt because she made Lays chips and no one’s eating them.

Andy: Banana, get me some bullets. The silver ones.

*Banana salutes and leaves the chamber*

Good kid.

1111111/11! gey merge is wrun ok!

I’m mildly frightened to ask what a gey merge is.

Andy: I’m pretty sure it’s similar to that Steven Universe fusion stuff we were talking about a few months ago.

Possibly. Considering Garnet is made up of two lesbians.

Andy: Aren’t they all technically lesbians and non-lesbians at the same time?

Eh, what do I know.

robie is a girl bc he lit charlie fuk him,

Robby is a girl because he let Charlie fuck him. Can I get that written in stone?

Andy: I’m not even going to start on every wrong with that phrase.

Smart choice.

its imortal and hee shud b ashimed1111!1!

Andy: What’s immortal?

Tara Gillespie?

Andy: Don’t bring her down to this level!

Fine.

jou my stery!
1!1!1!11111

11!

Andy: Please tell me this guy is a troll.

Pfft, I don’t fucking know.

Andy: I don’t care. He’s still getting a whole lot of silver pumped into him. Also, what the hell does “Jou my stery” mean?

If I knew the answer I wouldn’t have had to review this.

scarlit run hom, folow by cherlie.

Cherlie.

Andy: Cherlie. Derp.

I think that I found myself a Chrerlieder.

“im sery i was a faget” he cryed, ters fowing dun his fak.

Andy: Uhh… I don’t think tears belong there. I don’t know where it is, exactly, but I don’t think they belong there.

They’re down his fak. *slaps own hand* Keep up.

“u r agint gerd n wee cant have dis hapinen scarlet sad, loking supr buttiful!1!”

Andy: Oookay. May I rant? The bullets should be here any minute and I probably won’t be talking as much when they get here.

Be my guest.

Andy: According to Christian theology, yes, homosexuality is sinful. As is dishonesty, pride, lustfulness and all the rest. The thing is, every single person has done at least one of those things and has no place to be so dehumanizing to someone guilty of one that they’re not, if you get what I’m saying.

Andy: Pretty much, homosexuality isn’t something to be shamed over. It’s just a thing like any other thing.

I mentioned in the previous Scarlet review that things like bacon, tattoos, football…they’re all sins. Long story short: we’re all going to hell.

Andy: Not bacon specifically, but that’s another story for another day. But, yeah, the point is we’re all going to hell. And we shouldn’t be acting all holier-than-thou on the wagon to the same pit of fire.

“butt scarlet” he sad as hee navaled her ear

*snort* You said butt.

Andy: There are a lot of body parts going on here in ways that don’t make sense.

Maybe I should teach you about child development.

Andy: I’ve babysat three girls. They’re lovely. I get how it works. But still… How do you navel someone’s ear?

Magic?

Andy: Magic sure is something, ain’t it?

“ewww git awuy fromme me from me u prevrt!” shee sad sexily

Andy: “Yeah, dude, get your belly button out of my face!”

“Sexily”? What about saxily?

Andy: *Giggles*

*sigh* If this is how you’re gonna react to every sex joke, we’ll be more like Bill Clinton than Bill Clinton is Bill Clinton.

Andy: Ahh…. Uh… Hey! Look! The bullets are here! Thanks, Banana.

*Banana bows dramatically*

Again, good kid.

Andy: *Loads scyther-rifle* Time to let my sweetheart do some riffing.

Alright, but be careful where you aim. I gotta pay for the damages in Lyle’s office.

Andy: Sure. Whatever.

scarlit run hom, folow by cherlie.

Andy: YOU’D BETTER RUN, SUCKER!

And remember, this is a Scream fanfiction. So you’re actually not all that far off.

“im sery i was a faget” he cryed, ters fowing dun his fak.

Andy: Didn’t we already riff this part?

flashy

Nothing ever happened.

“u r agint gerd n wee cant have dis hapinen scarlet sad, loking supr buttiful!1!”

Andy: Oookay. May I rant? The bullets… Oh, hey. Here they are. Cool!

*CHA-CHOOM! CHA-CHOOM!*

*cringes* That’s loud.

Andy: Yeah, it was. *Unloads scyther-rifle* Banana, take these bullets out back and divise some sinister end to their existence. And then bring me the ivory ones.

*Banana curtseys and leaves the chamber*

*yells* And a Kit-Kat please!

“butt scarlet” he sad as hee navaled her ear

*snorts* You said butt. But I am sensing some deja vu.

Andy: Yeah, I’m not as disturbed about all these random body parts as I think I should be.

Always an improvement.

Andy: Is it, though?

“ewww git awuy fromme me from me u prevrt!” shee sad sexily

Scarlet has to be some cold hearted bitch to call her crush a Git. Even I’m not that rude.

Andy: You want to know what my aunt calls her ex?

A git?

Andy: Douchebag. CAPTAIN Douchebag.

Huh. Funny, that’s what I call Scarlet.

Andy: Heh. I like that. Onward.

“wel i aknoleded teh lerd je-zucc crist.” cherlie sad

Andy: I don’t know about you, but I don’t want anything to do with someone named Je-zucc.

You acknowledged Jesus? Oh well that makes it all okay then.

Also, people do anything in order to please her?

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 15

“well u stial comitd sine wit robie merperv!”

Andy: Merperv. I want to remember that one.

Fun fact: That’s actually my last name. Me and Robie are sisters/sister-brother.

Andy:… … …

It’s a sad life I live.

Andy: I’m so sorry for you. Have this Kit-Kat that the banana just brought.

What a peace treaty. Thanks, little guy.

*Banana bows*

“thats not his nam ur just a bully he sad bouncly”

How do you say something bouncily?

Andy: You say it kind of like you’re singing. With a little bit of… La-dum la-dum.

Okay, fair point. But why would someone call someone a bully bouncily?

Andy: Singer drama. They sing at each other when they get angry.

“go fuk robie merprev in the ase agin! gerd wil car!1!1111111”

Andy: Alright, all these exclamation-mark/one combos. This guy has got to be a troll.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx666xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Like that?

Andy: Uh… Sure.

scratlet breast into tier.

I’m not sure I want to know what her breast looks like.

Andy: Yeah, seriously.

While I’m a lesbian…I mean…come on.

Andy: You can’t just DO that. It’s not polite. Scarlet needs politeness classes.

Oops, did I drop a Freudian slip?

Andy: I’m just moving on as if I already knew. I usually do that to avoid looking stupid. It’s worked so far.

“im soo sade she sad”

She used two different incorrect spellings of ‘sad’ and ‘said’ in the same sentence. That takes a special kind of stupid.

Andy: She also dropped the LQ-patented “soo” in there.

Soo what?

Andy: *Pokes with scyther-rifle* Oi, still feeling a little prickly about spelling.

Oi, still feeling British?

Andy: Yeah, that happens sometimes. You should see me on my Australian days.

You’re like the fucking accent version of ‘genderfluid’.

Andy: Pretty much. Each one is so neat in it’s own way.

‘hi’ sad sidenie

Aand here goes one of my favorite aspects of the fic.

“omg ru sidenie?!5,4.:.j/ml,.t/yhn4wkj5cmsy56re6rwtrreutrthrekth4jthtri5rhreitrjdfi5eur6hrej,t.h

The keyboard smashing!

Andy: The hell is this?

Keyboard smashing?

Andy: I see that, but… WHY?

“yes i em y u ass-k!11121113” she esk.

Andy: The hell, dude!

It’s best not to question it.

“wel ur sidnaiey!”

Andy: Sure, whatever the hell sidnaiey means.

It’s a tragic case of brain damage. Visible in the next line.

“dfuhtetrtygdg” screemed sidnaieyiey

Andy: Pretty ugly stuff.

Here we have a sidnaieyiey in its natural habitat. *pulls out binoculars*

Andy: *Looks through sniper scope* It’s kind of… I don’t know what to make of it.

*glances at sniper* You just love to use that thing, don’t you?

Andy: I should show you my armory sometime. I have a nice collection of swords.

Well, that’s the end of the chapter, believe it or not.

Andy: That was painful.

Oh, don’t worry. Immediately after this I’m dragging you along for the next few chapters in the next riff.

Andy: Frick. I said I was sorry!

I need a few favours. Anyway, we will see you in a few weeks! Ta!

Andy: Later, guys. If I’ve escaped by next riff, don’t come looking!

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19 Comments on “1677: Scarlet – Chapters Two and Three”

  1. BatJamags says:

    maryage is beteen a men and a women.

    A men and a women? Oh, so you’re Mormon.

  2. BatJamags says:

    -.- y cant u c thet there al gong tu hale!

    Gong? Cerbs, why are you getting involved in this?

    BAAA!

    Well yes, this author deserves to be gonged, but she hasn’t smirked yet.

  3. BatJamags says:

    she waked aund da cerner but reliased it wus sartrdu.

    I… think she’s trying to spell “Saturday.”

  4. BatJamags says:

    “oh ym god we r!’ sad the westbereo batist curch.

    I was literally about to make a joke about this being the Westboro Baptist Church.

    Let’s see, I’ll need a new joke, uh…

    Ooh, there’s one.

    “oh ym god we r!’ sad the westbereo batist curch.

    Oh, go yell at a funeral or something.

  5. BatJamags says:

    cherlei was nacked. ohmygod he was hot and his 50 inch dick was erekt. scarlit fellt hersef go weet loking at it,. buot besid him, robie was nacked two and bennyt ovr at teh weast. sudanly, cfharlie slamed his big cok into robie’s virgin anus.

    If our author’s not a particularly immature troll, then she’s definitely got some confused feelings.

  6. BatJamags says:

    “fuk of”

    Fuk of prepz?

  7. BatJamags says:

    WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!

  8. BatJamags says:

    !11?21?111111111!11!11!1111!111!1!1!111!1!1111111
    !11!1
    11
    !11

    How?

  9. BatJamags says:

    But still… How do you navel someone’s ear?

    Have them lie on their side and belly flop onto their head.

  10. BatJamags says:

    Andy: *Loads scyther-rifle* Time to let my sweetheart do some riffing.

    Just watch the lightning-Dust. It messes with the intercom.

  11. BatJamags says:

    “omg ru sidenie?!5,4.:.j/ml,.t/yhn4wkj5cmsy56re6rwtrreutrthrekth4jthtri5rhreitrjdfi5eur6hrej,t.h

    Sydney: Yeah, what’s it to
    yoaiurthvn jz;mklclfcfgvjfffkjdjmdsskladf,xl;zs;’/s.,.;sa.;/s;’s.s.,,.sd,.?

  12. Leider Hosen says:

    How to deal with this fic. Facepalm? No. Headdesk? Not enough. Fuck it.

    Nope. Still not enough to dull the pain of this fic.

  13. Leider Hosen says:

    Good morning, patrons! And welcome to a special edition of Scarlet, the fanfiction that made Angie all things living and non-living cry, in which case…it only gets worse.

  14. Leider Hosen says:

    scatlet waked to clas. sudanly, hee relesed dat dere das do deople dn da dlass. “shat” she sad.

    Scat = Shit, and the “let” suffix = little or diminutive. Therefore Scarlet = Diminutive Little Shit.

    I approve of this. From now on you shall be known as Little Shit.

  15. Leider Hosen says:

    Andy: Don’t bring her down to this level!

    Yeah, Tyra doesn’t deserve to be affiliated with this filth.

  16. Leider Hosen says:

    Andy: According to Christian theology, yes, homosexuality is sinful. As is dishonesty, pride, lustfulness and all the rest. The thing is, every single person has done at least one of those things and has no place to be so dehumanizing to someone guilty of one that they’re not, if you get what I’m saying.

    Andy: Pretty much, homosexuality isn’t something to be shamed over. It’s just a thing like any other thing.

    I mentioned in the previous Scarlet review that things like bacon, tattoos, football…they’re all sins. Long story short: we’re all going to hell.

    Andy: Not bacon specifically, but that’s another story for another day. But, yeah, the point is we’re all going to hell. And we shouldn’t be acting all holier-than-thou on the wagon to the same pit of fire.

    More people should get this.

  17. One of many well-known jewelry and craft stores within Singapore, Oohwala (often called Rashiwala Bros situated at Arab Street) has been offering designers and hobbyists during the last 70 years. Travelers flock down to Arab Street and stop at this store to view the numerous rhinestones and gem stones which are exhibited on the cabinets. The trendy and antique touch to the shop produces a classic atmosphere that is unusual for this shop. Do not evaluate a shop by it’s cover, the gem stones and rhinestones offered listed here are one of the best value for money in Singapore, sold at below wholesale selling price even when bought in standard quantities. In the months to come, they are including to their online list to reflect all of the products which are available in the actual physical shop. Their future catalogues will include but are not limited to BeCharmed and Pave, Jewelry making tools, 925 silver components, tassels, fringes and trimmings.

  18. TacoMagic says:

    Andy: According to Christian theology, yes, homosexuality is sinful. As is dishonesty, pride, lustfulness and all the rest. The thing is, every single person has done at least one of those things and has no place to be so dehumanizing to someone guilty of one that they’re not, if you get what I’m saying.

    Andy: Pretty much, homosexuality isn’t something to be shamed over. It’s just a thing like any other thing.

    I mentioned in the previous Scarlet review that things like bacon, tattoos, football…they’re all sins. Long story short: we’re all going to hell.

    The real kicker is that those things are only forbidden/considered sinful by the Old Testament. The very same Testament that Jesus completed and set aside when he died on the cross. According to the Bible, none of those are actually a sin anymore (in Christianity at least).

    But of course, actually following the Bible doesn’t allow people to be bigoted or blame their problems on other people, so the old rules stick around to justify the hate.


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