1672: The Girl – Chapter One

Title: The Girl
Author: MRobitussin
Media: Books
Topic: The Outsiders
Genre: Romance
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4162543/1/The-Girl
Critiqued by Angie

Trigger Warning: Minor antagonism of PTSD. Or maybe I’m just overreacting.

Also, use of the words ‘Soc’ and ‘Greaser’ are completely canon and not I, nor Lyle, nor the author of this fic I’m sure, mean these words to be offensive.

[If you’re interested in reading the book, there are some major spoilers in this riff, so go read it first then come back to this. – Lyle]

In my Scarlet review, I’ll…admit I wasn’t my normal, happy self. I was just so pissed about how awful it was that I decided I might as well reflect upon it in my reviews. I’m sorry.

Last year, I read a book that I’m sure everyone has read, The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. God, what an amazing book. I could read it over and over again.

So, as I go, I figured I might as well see if I can’t find an Outsiders fanfiction.

And boy, did y’all on the internet deliver.

I stumbled upon The Girl, and…*loud sigh* it almost made me like the source material less.

Marissa, the author, has also written two other Outsiders fanfiction that I am planning on reviewing once I’m through with this. Oh, and. One last thing before we start.

Let’s review!

Chapter 1: Ponyboy

Oh, I suppose I should explain this, since there’s no Author’s Note to do it for me. Each chapter is told from a different POV. So this is gonna be fun.

The first time I ran into her it was at school. I literally mean, ran into her.

Get it? Because it’s an exaggeration but it’s secretly real and I want to die!

I was walking to class, I just transferred into advance English,

I understand how one would assume that, and Ponyboy is very good with writing, but he got a passing grade by the skin of his teeth. Even if the teacher OK’ed it, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be allowed in.

had a huge book in my hand and looking

I’m pretty sure we forgot a word here, Marissa.

at my new schedule trying to figure out where my class was. I wasn’t paying attention, she was standing at her locker talking to her friends

She’s the new girl, right? Did her friends move to this school with her? Or did three or four people just run into her as Ponyboy did, and they instantly became friends? Is that a thing people do?

and I ran into her, knocking everything out of both our hands. In my defense,

No one said anything, Ponyboy. You don’t need to defend yourself from the reader.

I was nervous about my new class and trying to figure out where I was going, so yes I was a little coarse with her.

Alright, well, that’s no excuse for being a dick. Just when you tried to prove not all Greasers are bad. Twatwaffle.

“Watch it!” I yelled not even looking at her, as I got down picking up my things.

I criticized Slender Space for using too many commas, but really? This fic doesn’t have enough.

She sighed and half laughed. “Excuse me…you ran into me…”

Yeah! Ponyboy needs to shut up.

ponyboyI’m sorry I’m sorry. Please don’t look sad.

“No, you weren’t paying attention.” I was grabbing my books quickly, needing to get to class quickly.

Canonically, why would Pony be this rude? Really. What about the book implies that he would act like this if he accidentally bumped into someone he didn’t know? I can only imagine what he’s like when his friends playfully punch his arm.

“You’re the one who wasn’t paying attention, you had your head in the clouds, don’t accuse me of something I didn’t do!”

Honestly, I thought I would hate Riley. And I probably will once I get to know her. But really, she’s throwing major shade at Pony, and I can appreciate it. He’s being kind of a jackass.

“Look, fuck…”

Okay, author. I’m gonna stop you right there. Please look at me.

I looked up and paused.

Good. *takes out Baby and whacks the author over the head*

She was divine…wavy blonde hair, frosted blue eyes, light bronze skin that looked as smooth as ice, and although she wasn’t smiling, I could tell that her light rosy lips could produce a smile brighter than the northern lights.

She’s a Soc, ain’t she? I sure as hell wouldn’t be surprised. I ain’t ever heard of a female Greaser. I’m not denying the plausibility of there being a female Greaser, but the possibilities are slim. That’s all I’m saying.

I was left speechless and embarrassed for yelling at her for something I knew was my fault.

There we go, there’s our Ponyboy. I knew he would pull through. Get the clappers!

*shakes clapper from New Year’s Eve party*

She looked at me confused, waiting for me to finish my sentence, when I didn’t she scuffed at me,

She…scuffed at you?

I need to make sure I know the definition of scuff. I’m fairly certain I do. To scuff is to…shuffle your feet on the ground in embarrassment? How do you do that at someone?

picked up her things, and got up, still looking at me strangely.

“Stupid Greasers…” mumbled a guy standing next to her.

 

 

She glanced at him slightly disgusted and followed him as they walked off down the hall. That’s when I knew I had no chance, she was middle class…too good for a Greaser like me.

Ha! See? I called it and I didn’t even know! Woo! Another point for me.

That night I took a walk around 10,

A strangely specific time, not sure why that was necessary, you could’ve said ‘night time’ and gotten the point across less obscurely.

couldn’t sleep and Darry didn’t care as long as I stayed on our side of town.

I’m assuming that it’s because of Dally and Johnny’s deaths that he lets him do this? Hell, that’s probably all the more reason to not go prancing out at night. Get a glass of water and some chocolate cake, kid. Jesus.

I walked around the park, not really thinking about anything in particular.

Again, a strangely specific sentence that will no doubt lead to some mild misadventures where you meet Riley again and you start to be not assholes to each other. Right? God, you could predict this story without even trying.

After one lap around, I decided to go to Marlin’s, a corner store right across the street from the park entrance. As I walked up, I noticed a girl sitting on the trash can outside the front door, looking the opposite way that I was coming.

Uh-oh, there it is. I’m so good with predictions.

She was wearing tight blue jeans, a white t-shirt, and a jean jacket. As I got closer, I realized it was the girl from the hallway. What was she doing on this side of town? Maybe she really wasn’t middle class…

Huh. Never could’ve predicted that, though. Touché, Marissa. Touché.

I walked up and stopped next to her.

Then I breathed. Then my hand raised slightly. Then I breathed again. Then my heart beat. Then my blood pumped.

“Hey…” I said, trying to get her attention.

She turned her head, her eyes were pink and her cheeks were wet.

Well, I know what she’s been doing. One way or another.

Ew.

“Hi…” She said, sounding timid.

Is this how they talk the entire fic? This is gonna get old fast.

I was quiet for a minute, unsure of what to say to her…I recognized her, but she didn’t recognize me.

But…how? That doesn’t make the tiniest of sense. Is it because of the lighting? If so, you shouldn’t be able to recognise her either. This scene doesn’t work in ANY sense of the word.

“You ok?”

No. I have to read this fic.

She looked away. “I’m fine.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one, then threw the pack away.

Clearly she would’ve lit the pack on fire too, right? Or did she—oh. She actually took one of the cancer sticks out. Gotcha.

“Last one?” I asked.

She looked back at me with an annoyed look. “Yes…why?”

I was just curious. God damn.

Nah, he’s probably just gonna offer to buy her another—

“Want me to buy you one?” I was trying to be nice.

One singular cancer stick. Just one.

*internal groan* Marissa….

She shrugged. “Sure…” She reached into her pocket and handed me some money. I walked inside and bought her and myself a pack and a bottle of coke.

A coke? Sure you didn’t get a

soda

SODAPOP? HA HA, I’M SO FUNNY.

I walked back out and handed her the pack and coke, she looked at the coke. “I didn’t ask for this…”

YOU GET WHAT YOU GET AND YOU DON’T THROW A FIT, ASSHOLE.

“My treat,” I smiled and took a drink of my coke before opening my pack and lighting my own cigarette. We sat there quiet for awhile; she didn’t seem interested in me or remember me. “Consider it a peace offering.”

Oh shit!

She turned, confused. “Peace offering?”

No you don’t!

I laughed. “You don’t remember me…I ran into you today at school…”

WHOOP THERE IT IS.

She thought a moment. “Oh yes, the jerk that said it was my fault.”

Yeah, I mean. At least buy her dinner first.

“I’m sorry…” I looked down at my shoes and at that moment wish I had a new pair of shoes, I looked like a hood. “I was in a rush and not paying attention.”

At least he’s honest. Maybe this won’t be that bad.

She shrugged. “No big…don’t go losing sleep over it…” She paused a moment. “That ain’t why you’re walking around this late on this side of town is it?”

A good question. Say, this is turning out to be good—

I was confused, I belonged on this side of town, didn’t she see that?

*emphatic sigh* God fucking damnit. That’s what this fic does. It draws you in and then knocks you down when you think it’s getting good.

“I live two blocks away…And no I was walking around because I like to walk around. Usually if my brothers come, we race.”

Commas, Marissa! Fucking commas!

She gave me a half smile. “Sounds cool…”

Oh Jesus. We’re about to get a sob story from Riley, aren’t we. You can spot these things from a mile away.

“Yeah…” I replied, thinking a moment. “You live around here?”

She shook her head. “No, I live over on West Pointe.”

“West Pointe? What are you doing over on this side of town?”

I guess we’re never gonna get a clear answer on whether or not Riley is a Greaser, are we. Fine.

She shrugged, taking the last drag from her cigarette. “Walking around, decided to take a break.”

Unlike Alex.

(I had to.)

“I better walk you back home, you could get jumped out here this late being from that side of town.”

She ran away from home.

“No…” She replied, looking away from me. “I’m not going home.”

“What?” I was confused, but then laughed it off. “You’re crazy, come on.” I grabbed her arm and pulled.

I hate to imagine what kind of boyfriend Pony’s gonna be, judging by his actions here.

As I pulled, she screamed. It wasn’t in fear; it was a scream of agony and torture. I let go quickly and backed away from her. I didn’t think I was that strong. She sat there, cradling her arm in her other arm and chocking on tears.

Indeed she is chocking in tears, but I don’t think that’s what you meant.

I stared at her. “What the hell was that?”

“Nothing…” She said through sobs. “I’m fine…just go away!”

Bruises?

I walked up to her and pulled up the arm of her jacket as far as I could. There were black and blue bruises on her arms.

Ugh. *slams fist on buzzer*

Also, black and blue bruises? Bruises are usually black and blue, hon.

*BLARING ALARMS BLARE*

AaaaaAAAAAAH!

My mouth dropped, “Who did this? Did you get mugged?”

Is it supposed to be cute and endearing how little Ponyboy knows? Because intolerance is NOT tolerated here.

“No!” She said, pushing me away with her good arm. “Get away from me!”

Both her arms seemed fine a few minutes ago. We’ve gotta keep the plot going, I suppose. I’m just saying, it’s a plot hole.

“I just wanna help! Jesus, you’re a bitch!”

Oh my Jesus. Okay.

CLEARLY this author has no clue about her topic of choice, the abuse story. (Yeah, her father abused her, don’t act surprised, you saw it coming.) Do you have a single fucking clue what PTSD is beyond what you’ve seen on TV? Pony certainly should know, he’s the abused half of the world. Marissa, STOP PAINTING PONYBOY AS AN ANTAGONIST.

Case closed.

She didn’t reply, she looked away, still holding her arm. Her tears had stopped, but she was still sniffling. I couldn’t help, but feel sorry for her.

Nice comma, dickface. Or, nice grammar in the second part of your sentence, dickface.

I walked up to her. “Who did this to you?”

She sighed. “My dad ok? That’s why I ain’t going home…he needs to cool off.”

To be honest, this is equally the best thing and the stupidest thing Riley could have done.

I was confused. “What about your mom?”

Woah, Pony. Getting a bit personal there, buddy?

She laughed. “My mom’s halfway to New York right now; she left him this morning…that’s why he’s mad.” She looked at me. “May I ask why you care? You don’t even know who I am.”

You haven’t even…vaguely heard each other’s names, as they are referred to by their friends?

Also—I just thought about this—what are the odds that they met in the same place at the same time twice in one day? That’s some ex machina shit right there.

I held out my hand. “Name’s Ponyboy Curtice…

Oh, don’t lie, asshole. You know damn well your last name is Curtis.

and I just wanna help.”

“While also swearing and calling you a bitch. But you know. Helping.”

She looked at my hand, but didn’t take it. “I’m Riley Adams…I just moved here.” She half laughed. “And I’m not 100 sure where I am.”

You’re not 100 sure? Wanna add a ‘percent’ there, friend?

“You’re on the wrong side of town to be hiding…let me walk you home, maybe your dad’s asleep.”

That is a terrible idea, and you know it. God, did Marissa spend more than twenty seconds planning out the story? I mean, Riley doesn’t even have a character. What’s the plot so far? Pony bumps into a girl, timeskip about eight hours, they meet and Pony finds out her dad hit her once. And that’s it.

She thought a moment. “Ok…thanks…”

NO! WHAT THE FUCK, NO!!! God DAMNIT. Marissa just has NO IDEA HOW ANYTHING WORKS.

We walked in complete silence the whole way. She stopped cradling her arm and didn’t look at me, just kept her head tilted down and eyes on the ground.

I was about to judge her for that, before I realised that I would do the same with my introverted self, then I realised that if anything, RILEY IS OUT THERE AS FUCK. Who am I kidding, really?

It amazed me that someone could hurt someone like that. My friend Johnny had been abused by his step-father and I never understood that

either, but he was in a better place now.

I don’t know why the paragraph cut off, but oh well.

Also, finally some ties to the source material. *claps hands dramatically* Pick. Up. The. Pace.

Riley reminded me of him by the way she acted. Timid, weak, and afraid, it was a sad sight to see.

Now, this is a very touching moment. Easily the first one in the chapter.

We got to her house and she looked around. “I don’t see his car…he must have left…”

But enough of that. First we have to talk about cars and how stupid this idea was.

“You sure you’re gonna be ok here?” I stuck my hands in my pocket.

I think I’m finally knocking some sense into these charac—

She nodded. “I’ll be fine…thanks…”

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FU

*gasps for air*

CK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!

“I live on Chester, two blocks from that park…you ever need anything like a place to crash, don’t hesitate to come in…Door’s always open.”

She smiled at me, I was right her smile light up the night. “Thanks…”

But luckily, that’s the end of the fic. It wasn’t very good. The grammar was okay at best, and the OOC qualities of the characters left me completely pissed. Luckily it’s done and over with. So, what’s next?

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/4162543/2/

There’s a….

*laughs* There’s a chapter two?

*clicks on author’s page*

HAHA. AND THERE’S A SEQUEL!

Join me next time…when we cover the next edition of Scarlet….

God damnit.

Advertisements

16 Comments on “1672: The Girl – Chapter One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Minor antagonism of PTSD.

    The hell does that even mean?

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Last year, I read a book that I’m sure everyone has read, The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. God, what an amazing book. I could read it over and over again.

    We used it as the case source for our Mock Trial team one year in middle school.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Marissa, the author,

    OH GOD

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    She…scuffed at you?

    I need to make sure I know the definition of scuff. I’m fairly certain I do. To scuff is to…shuffle your feet on the ground in embarrassment? How do you do that at someone?

    As near as I can figure, she started pawing the ground like a bull.

    Which is… strangely awesome.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    As I pulled, she screamed. It wasn’t in fear; it was a scream of agony and torture.

    All that from squeezing some bruises?

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    My mom’s halfway to New York right now; she left him this morning…

    And she did not take her kid.

    Nice going there, lady.

  7. Leider Hosen says:

    “I just wanna help! Jesus, you’re a bitch!”

    *Hoists barstool* CLAAAAAAANG How about you “help” by backing the FUCK away from the abuse victim. People who go through anything emotionally scarring from someone close to them typically has no interest in people outside extremely trustworthy familiars, for reasons that are presumably obvious. You asshole.

  8. Leider Hosen says:

    “And I’m not 100 sure where I am.”

    She must be on her way to the bank to make a withdrawal of 100 more sures to afford that PCC Brand Map she’s always wanted.

  9. Leider Hosen says:

    *laughs* There’s a chapter two?

    I’m sure it not that long…

    See, it’s only… 23,000+ Words.

    …I’m going to find a hole to bury my head in.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s