1666: The Savior – Chapters Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen

Title: The Savior
Author: bubbersgod
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dark Souls
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter Eleven
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

!!Warning!! The usual flamebait is still ever present, but there is no explicit sex because the author got bored and obviously stopped caring to type out every instance of sexytime. So, hazzah I suppose. That said it is present, but not detailed.

Abrelepine: I can hardly believe it.

Yeah, hard to believe innit? Barely any fucking content or description to anything and the author still got even lazier!

Pontiff Sulyvahn: How remarkable.

Yup. Greeting patrons, and welcome back to the thrilling adventures of The Savior! I hope you’re enjoying yourself more than I am. Last instalment, our hero found Not!CrystalSoulSpear in New Londo and skipped out on sexytimes with Priscilla on account of him being rekt so hard it temporally knocked the plot armor right off him. He also swung by Blighttown where he discovered Quelaag has abandoned her people in Lost Izalith and is pregnant with the Stu’s offspring. His response was to praise that his reproductive faculties are indeed still working properly and that he can also get Priscilla pregnant.

Father of the year material right there!

I didn’t do any more chapters as I unleashed a floodgate of rage and reminiscence (so sorry) and would have run over the page limit, but good news! Here’s a little repayment for your patience on this crazy adventure so far, three whole chapters! (or is it a punishment?)

Chapter 11 Revenge

Abrelepine: Sounds like Savior Stu decided to win his rematch with Ornstein.

Yes, unfortunately. All good things must come to an end one day, which is probably the only thing Soulsbourne about this fic.

The savior made it back to the room where he was stricken down the first time to find the two great hollow’s waiting for him. They tried the same tactics as before and almost hit the Savior many times. Finally he got some room and a chance to cast.

Because one of the fastest bosses in Soulsbourne would let you do that. Last time Ornstein was so fast you couldn’t even try to use magic, but of course this time you can do it no problem!

Pontiff Sulyvahn: You said it yourself, the Stu has decided one loss is enough and that he will not lose this time. Of all the foes he’s faced so far, these two are the only ones that have lasted more than a paragraph, namely because they fight back rather than stand still and let the Stu kill them. This time, however, the author has removed Ornstein’s signature speed because he realized a caster would win against him at around the same time Chaos froze over.

A massive green light shot from his right hand sending a Savior Soul Spear after Ornstein, whom was soaring towards him at such a pace he had no time to change coarse. It struck him in the face, exploding his head and making him fall dead to the ground in one hit.

*snerk* This is probably a coincidence, but I can’t believe I didn’t notice this earlier. An asshat in a black cloak shoots a giant green laser beam that one-hit-kills whatever it’s pointed at. Where have I seen that before?

RIP Orns Chapter 9-Chapter 11. Walked into a cast as slow and obvious as Soul Spear because the author had no further need of you.

Take that, Dark Souls!: 21

Smough stepped to him slowly, it seemed as though he was mourning at first, but he struck the dead corps hard making Ornstein’s Lightning power drain into his massive hammer.

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention this is two stage battle? Kill one, the second gets way stronger and recovers all his HP. And naturally, the Stu is fighting super Smough, who is the same only with extra damage. Super Ornstein is the one you don’t want to fuck with, since he has all his speed but a fuckload more damage and range, a huge lightning AoE, and a significantly more aggressive AI. If you survive, you get the Leo Ring, Ornstein’s enchanted band, which boosts the power of thrusting attacks to absolutely outrageous levels.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: For a Stu this powerful, the author appears to be pairing him up with all the easiest opponents, at least where there’s leeway to do so.

Smough was no longer fighting the same. Many of his attacks where the same in execution sure, but now lightning shock waves where a fact. The Savior cast a Great Savior Soul Spear witch hit hard as ever, but Smough was bigger and sported more vitality and defense than his smaller companion did. The savior used his last two Great Savior Soul Spears on him but still he did not fall.

Such thrill! Very tension! The bullshit insane OP Stu’s ultimate super attack didn’t work, whatever will he do!

Abrelepine: When you make a character this overpowered it becomes unbelievable they can lose. Literally, we all know he’s going to win, but I suppose the author decided his story needed tension at the last minute. Of course, I can get away with it because I am the main antagonist, the audience knows I can’t lose until the very end. The tension comes from the fact that, while I won’t die nor will I kill off the heroes, I can still leave the heroes with some- heh- permanent damage.

That is one thing I think was pretty brilliant, even back when I was a novice.

Finally, after a swing from the giant hammer whisked by his face, he jumped on Smough with his sword and proceeded to angrily stab him repeatedly in the shoulder, back, and face all the while yelling, “WHY WON’T YOU JUST DIE ALREADY DAMN YOU!” He didn’t realize it but he was in fact dead after the first stab which penetrated the heart.

…You know, I’ve made a couple of low key Twin Humanities references as a nod to the riff that got me into this website in the first place, but now I really do have to ask if this fucker is the spawn of BRSue, because he certainly has the “go fucking apeshit over facing an actual challenge” trait down pat.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: The poor infant. He actually had to work for once, but of course the author couldn’t have him work too hard, hence why Smough had to be dispatched by the very first hit.

He finally got it, the Lord Vessel. Now he could warp between bonfires and collect the lord souls needed to face the now hollow lord of these lands, Gwyn.

*laughs* Oh, the Irony!

Abrelepine: What?

He’s gotten so accustomed to brushing over all the canon characters so he can get back to his fleshlights loving waifus, he forgot all about Gwynevere.

Abrelepine: How is that-

Abrelepine: Oh. Ironic indeed.

Honestly, I’m surprised. For a guy who’s insistent on building a harem above all else, the one character you would expect him to ogle above all else is absent. She has about a billion “Amazing Chest Ahead” written in front of her a day and she is the one the Author didn’t feel the need to mention?

Pontiff Sulyvahn: At what point did you believe the author ran on logic.

Chapter 12 The Lord Vessel

He made it to fire link happy and in a great mood about his victory and progress.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: To the despair of the audience, and once again “happy” is a “great mood”, making the latter quote utterly-

[Blaring Alarm Blares Blaringly]

…Where are the Agents?

Abrelepine: They must have taken a paid holiday. They’ve been working double overtime lately.

He saw Priscilla step out of the small hut housing the fire link bonfire. Before she had time to talk he swooped her up in his arms and sat her down in the hut on the cloths making a resting place. He closed the opening and turned to face a now blushing and moist white maiden.

Because you can just run up to a girl and throw her on the bed with a “have sex now” and she will not only be a-ok but instantly aroused! Don’t talk about the hell you didn’t go through to get the Lordvessel or share your pains with her, just surprise her with a quick fuck!

Sexist Douchecanoe: 12

She knew what he was about to do and she wanted it bad. Any time now he would impregnate her with a fine child an she could finally live an age old dream of hers to mother a child.

Fuck you you fucking fuck.

[Blar-]

SHUT THE FUCK UP

[The silent alarm goes silent]

Sexist Douchecanoe: 13

This was that time in fact. It would not be known for a while but this time he would impregnate her.

Thanks for assuring us. I would be heartbroken if Priscilla didn’t bear one of your “fine” babies, because that is clearly the conflict I’m worried about.

Abrelepine: Is it my usual perversion, or does the author have a pregnancy fetish?

Hard to say, I’m leaning towards yes.

He left sweaty and panting, his lover now passed out from exhaustion. He went to King Seeker Frampt who told him how to go about getting the souls needed to gain access to the kiln of the first flame. He would have to kill Seeth, the scaleless dragon whom fathered all magic and turned on his own kind to gain access to infinite knowledge. The four lost kings of New Londo, whom fell into the abyss upon indulging in the power of life drain. The bed of Chaos, whom was born from a failed attempt at a second great flame. And lastly the Grave Lord Nito, a most hated and feared idol of death and disease. His power was frightening in that he could lay waste to a place even as pure and beautiful as Lite Town.

They would not be easy to get to but instead of killing them, he will save them from their corruption and gain their souls by doing so. Each has their own story to tell and reasons for becoming corrupt but none we shall fin deserve death as Frampt is so convinced.

I… I have no words. I’ve been riffing this for a while now and I was not prepared for this level of stupid. For the sake of convenience and keeping focus, I’ll just put the following deconstruction in bulleted list form. Thankfully, my constant asides to talk about Dark Souls’ awesome lore has given you enough knowledge to keep this brief:

Seathe the Scaleless: He betrayed his own kind and fathered sorcery, yup, but he did it out of jealousy, he was a freak of nature and committing genocide on his species was his way of paying them back. Why? Because he is absolutely fucking insane! If he had infinite knowledge he would’ve given himself scales and likely become much more mentally stable. You just took one look at his giant library and said “yup, he is all about knowledge!” No, he’s all about knowledge of immortality.

The Four Kings: I’ll be damned, this one’s correct. However, they chose to be the way they are. Sure, Kaathe talked them into it, but being Darkwraiths was 100% their choice. In fact, their followers come to worship the Abyss and build an entire kingdom in their memory!

The Bed of Chaos: …You know what? I’ll let this one slide. This is going off outdated knowledge.

Gravelord Nito: Stop picking on Papa Nito! If you want to be technical, he’s done the least damage of every other Lord! Gwyn and Seathe committed genocide on the dragons, the latter stole maidens from the former and warped them into mutated monsters, The Witch and her Daughters burned the entire world down and made demons, the Four Kings’ greed destroyed their entire nation, and Manus attempted to erase all life. Compared to that, afflicting dragons with disease to aid in the war effort then chilling in a coffin for a few millennia is pretty tame. Being a spooky skeleton is not equal to being evil, especially in a universe where the central conflict is that people don’t fucking die anymore!

Now, here’s what’s wrong with all four entries: you are making them out to be the poor sufferers of fate, saying they are sad corrupted victims and you’re going to sweep in and save them. You want to make the Savior more speshul by having him come to da rescue, fixing their “corruption” and sparing their lives, with no idea what you’re doing!

Oh, and you have the audacity to say that they have a story to tell? Oh, these figures are just poor and misunderstood by us dumb community people, but thankfully you’re going to tell us their sad story, fix them, and make it all better?

Unlikely.

I could ding you for a thousand things, but I’ll settle for one: Acting like you actually know the lore of these characters and using that as the basis of completely averting the main objective of the game (or at least one of them). Oh, and also acting like some of the most dangerous and powerful enemies you face in Dark Souls (lore wise) need your Stu’s help.

Take that, Dark Souls!: 22

The Savior picked up a lantern and headed for the tomb of giants to face Nito, the Lord of Death and bringer of Disease.

Chapter 13 Meeting Grave Lord Nito

The Savior made his way carefully though the catacombs slaying skeletons and pyromancers alike with his Savior Sword, which did not allow skeletons to revive.

Because using a blessed weapon was not as cool as using the hip and edgy Savior Sword (do not steal), and didn’t you already have an OP sword!? Do you have two of the fuckers or is the Savior Sword called “Fate”?

Take that, Dark Souls!: 23

He fell into a strange room where one of the five Pinwheel’s awaited him. These monsters have corrupted Nito and blocked his mind from making conscious decisions and have taken his powers from him as a result, making Nito a terrible monster.

…What?

The twist is… Pinwheel… Penw331… phe33nwhaal…..

Was the man behind the man? The big bad. Pinwheel was behind Nito all along! Nito wasn’t the badguy, it… WAS… fu3k1nG-

-LeiderHosen.exe/files/run!men=3^gh<Error:Internal_Logic_Error/failsy>*98gHdl_L95/-

Abrelepine: That wasn’t supposed to happen.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: His memory banks were already filled with rage and the constant draw of vast banks of lore. This one masterstroke of idiocy must have finally caused his logic centers to critically overload.

Abrelepine: I suppose we’ll just have to finish this ourselves. At this point I have a sick curiosity for seeing where this will go. Hold on…

*moans* So this is what it feels like to be in control of the narration. I have seniority, so it’s only fitting I stand in for Hosen. Alright Sulyvahn, I played Dark Souls offscreen, fun game, so I will explain why this makes no sense from a game standpoint, you can handle the lore.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: From what I know, Pinwheel was originally three: a man, a woman, and a child. The woman died of childbirth, the baby miscarried, and the father was stricken with grief. So greatly in fact that he tried to cheat death and became a necromancer in hopes of bringing them back. Nito was moved by his dedication, and made him an honorary necromancer, the father becoming the overseer of the catacombs and earning a coffin alongside Nito’s. The father did succeed in bringing his family to life, but not in the way he intended:

Death is natural, but cruel and unforgiving to those to try to cheat it. The father bears the weight of everyone on his shoulders it would seem. Based on the countless books in his boss room, plus the fact he’s picking over a skeleton, it seems that “their” pursuit is to separate once more. The whispering in his theme, nearly inaudible without earphones, is the three arguing among themselves. The Father apologizes for the misery he’s caused, the mother blames her husband, and the child simply mewls in fear.

 

I’m pretty scary myself, but even I have to say it was unnerving and hit a little too close to home.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: He was so desperate, he stole the Rite of Kindling from the Gravelord, all in the name of his family.

This idiot author decided that Pinwheel was worthy of being a major antagonist, and that he is controlling Nito, despite the fact the Gravelord is a god while Pinwheel is a whimpering human Necromancer. What makes it more insulting is that he’s clearly intended to be an early game boss, while most everyone faces him post Anor Londo. After beating Ornstein and Smough, Pinwheel is…underwhelming. And by that I mean he’s pathetically easy to kill to the point he’s become an inside joke.

Take that, Dark Souls!: 24

This one stole his rite of kindling, a power that allowed fires to be kindled so his miasma would not harm any lands with such a bonfire within them.

Strengthens bonfires? Yes. But it has nothing to do with miasma.

Take that, Dark Souls!: 25

The savior had trouble finding out which was real, as it kept summoning duplicates and moving about fast while casting strong magic’s. Soon enough though, it fell. And he gained the rite of kindling.

*snerk* See? Pinwheel was so weak that after moving very fast for a short period of time, he simply fell over dead.

Literary Genius: 9

He used his lantern to traverse the tomb of giants. It was dark an large scary monsters where not uncommon here.

*cringing* Don’t remind me. The Tomb of the Giants is pitch black and those Skeledoggos, as Hosen calls them, can instant kill you with a single pounce. The Bonewheels in the Catacombs are what you would get if you applied a wheel for gerbils to a skeleton, than gave it giant iron spines for the purpose of ripping you apart as they move too fast for you to evade. Everything else is just a big skeleton though.

He found another of the five Pinwheels, this one had stolen the power to heal those infested with blight puss. And another which stole the power to think for itself. He killed both reclaiming these powers to give back to the Grave Lord Nito.

This is just insulting. What does necromancy have to do with healing or stealing free will? Those belong to entirely different schools of magic, and the latter is completely out of Pinwheel’s league, especially considering he used it on a god.

Take that, Dark Souls!: 26

The other three had stolen the ability to reason, the ability to feel, and Nito’s humanity. These where all the things stolen from him that led to his current state.

Hello there, I will be your terrifying main villain for the evening!

 

Oh, woe is me! Save me Savior-Sempai!

I don’t see it. Are you really saying that a human necromancer was the creator of the god of death’s present form? Despite Nito being shown conjuring a body for himself before the Age of Fire in the prologue. Go back to brainlessly skipping over everything, you are terrible at being creative.

Take that, Dark Souls!: 27

Soon enough the Savior would Save him and this land infested with darkness and far worse blight than that of Lite Town.

Oh, it’s infested with the greatest blight of all, it was from the moment you walked in.

He found the last three roaming about near Nito’s room almost as if they where guarding it from others so they could manipulate him. He fought hard but there where to many of them. He left to plan for a second when he saw something on a distant ledge. He made it barely to the ledge and found a great prize, “Savior’s Great soul mass.” He used this new power to kill the three Pinwheels in his way with ease.

How convenient.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Naturally, it’s another ability copied from Logan.

Take that, Dark Souls!: 28

He fell down to where Nito was and he aimlessly walked to the disturbance.

*snerk* Yes. When trespassing into the domain of the god of death, the first thing you should do is wander aimlessly towards the rustling in the dark. Your tenacity is truly suicidal.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: The author’s pronoun game is nearly overpowering, I believe he was saying Nito aimlessly wandered towards the Savior when he fell down.

Aimlessly walked? Alright, let’s consult YouTube:

Honey, that’s not an aimless walk. That’s the god of death advancing on you with intent to kill for so rudely interrupting his nap.

The savior spread his arms making oll of the lost powers of Nito shine before him like the homing soul mass spell. All five of them shot into Nito making his scary skeleton armor and miasma cloak fall to the ground around him. The skeleton guards fell at the same instance. Nito was a tall man with long well kept red hair. He had a large bear the same color of his hair and an eye patch covering a lost eye, the other of witch was green.

Yes, the First of the Dead, who found the death soul, and introduced the very concept of senescence and death into a world of immortality, is not a dead skeleton but a “badass” guy in armor, complete with eyepatch. Truly bubbers is a visionary of character design. Or rather, taking the fascinating artistic style of Soulsborne and making it boring. Although, I would not be objected to having a bear of the same color as my sandy blonde hair. I’ll have to ask Hosen.

Take that, Dark Souls!: 29

Nito stood back up to greet his new savior. Nito shook his hand and began to tell the Savior his story.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: How about we place bets?

I’ll bet on eight dings of canon rape.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: nine.

“I once was sane just as you where, I found power in the first flame that gave me terrible powers but with it powers to reverse my terrible attacks effect on those whom where caught in the cross fire.

Take that, Dark Souls!: 30

MY miasma clouds reduced the terrible ancient dragons to poisoned flightless beasts, vulnerable to the breath of Seeth and the magics of my lord Gwyn.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: What a peculiar way to spell “lightning”, and you have it backwards. In very specific order: Gwyn’s bolts peeled apart their stone scales, since only lightning can break stone. Gough and his archers shot down the vulnerable dragons. The Silver Knights, Artorias, and Ornstein worked together in pushing their numbers back while the Witch burned down the archtrees to deny them their home. Ciaran and her Lord’s Blades bled and poisoned them with their swords. Only then did Nito, with the forests barren and the dragons bloodied and weakened, unleash a miasma of death and disease to finish them off. Even then, while there were many deaths, many dragons survived the poisoning, but were rendered harmless and denied death by Gwyn.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: That, of course, doesn’t remove the importance of Nito in the war. Only the combined effort of three Lords and all their followers made the total destruction of the Age of Ancients possible. Without Nito, far more dragons would have survived the war, and based on texts regarding the likes of Sinh and Kalameet, even one ancient dragon can devastate entire nations.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Suffice to say, Nito singlehandedly knocking the dragons from the sky and countering the stone scales is a vast overstatement of his role in the war. He was, like death is, a cleaner, sweeping away all the sick and wounded near the end of the fighting.

Abrelepine: Well fuck that! Didn’t you watch the prologue? We have an old fart with some Zeus bolts, Eight girly girls (who clearly had nothing to do with the victory, hence why it isn’t mentioned they were vulnerable to Izalith’s fire tempests), and a pale, gawky butterfly dragon. Clearly the “badass” lord of death was entirely responsible for the victory, though there’s always room for improvement, hence bubber’s visionary re-evaluation of his appearance and lore.

Take that, Dark Souls!: 31

We won the war! The dragons fell to our might like flies before a flame. But one day Seeth was fighting with Havel the rock. Havel hated Seeth for he killed his only begotten son.

…

Pontiff Sulyvahn: …

-Both recover, clearly fatigued and in great pain from laughing too hard-

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I suppose Havel is God in this universe *hehehehehe*

Take that, Dark Souls!: 32

Literary Genius: 10

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I’ll allow Otin to finish his riveting tale before I elucidate you on what actually happened.

His son fought for Seeth’s soul to become the chosen to light the next great flame. Seeth almost died you see, he had to rely on something he had never before considered, the corrupted cursed primordial crystal. It healed him but I fear he will grow to attached to the idea of immortality and some day it will drive him insane. But in this case all that needs be done is destroy the crystal, but I digress. He came to me, now week and torn to ribbons, angry and seeking revenge. He implored I kill him before he come back for another fight. He was well dressed for magic combat, but not for fighting against my powers. I was reluctant but he offered me a massive sum of souls, enough to hopefully save my lord Gwyn I figured. So he gave me the souls and told me to intercept him on his way to his home in Lite Town. So I did, I waited seven weeks for him to arrive at the Entrance of Lite Town. Finally I lost patience, so I decided to curse his home land in hopes that he would return and perish in the filth I left there. I planned to return a month or two later to reverse the land back to its former beauty, but I was attacked by strange monsters from a distant land. They stole my powers and here I stand today. All I have to give is my Lord Soul that I found in the first flame. It is no longer needed to support my power as you have returned my sanity. Here you may have it.”

-The canon violation/Gary Stu buzzer goes fucking apeshit and starts launching sparks and flames in all directions while clearly unnatural black smoke forms a skull overhead-

Holy shit!

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Take cover!

Havel had no son *ding* Seethe became connected to the crystal before the war *ding* The crystal was fine Seathe was cursed *ding* Seathe was always a little insane and became much more so due to his obsession for knowledge, the crystal did not make him more crazy *ding* destroying the Primordial Crystal only succeeds in making him vulnerable to damage and super fucking pissed off *ding* the idea of Seathe the Scaleless being driven into a corner by the son of the man who failed to kill him *ding* Seathe bargaining with Nito to kill Havel’s son makes no sense because Nito is his own god and would not bargain his power for souls to heal Gwyn *ding* the pronoun game is so fucking bad I don’t know what’s happening so I’ll add three dings for sheer heresy *ding* *ding* *ding* Blighttown being a sewer in the first place and Nito being enough of an asshole/dumbass to cause that much damage for such an asinine “plan” *ding* Pinwheel’s backstory being fucked *ding* and Nito ripping out his fucking soul and passing it off with no adverse effects like a lollipop! *Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing*

[Kill Dismember Sterilize]: 45

…What just happened?

A strange thing happened when the Savior grabbed the Lord Soul. It absorbed into his Gauntlet. He cast the Savior magic on the Lord Nito’s land saving it from the curse of Pinwheels. This time he did not fall or pass out from the casting, it seems the Lord Soul gave him the power to do so without any harm. These souls are powerful indeed.

Oh, Hosen is not going to like this.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Lord Souls have the power to transform the entire world around them, but undead have nowhere near the strength to use that kind of force. That, and it comes off as rather trivial since the Savior has done things like this from the start, the only difference is not the magnitude of his power, but how easily he’s able to do it with no adverse effects.

Which only makes the broken, stupid fucking idiocy that is his powers moreso.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I would get into Havel more, but that should have a place when Savior Stu goes to see Seathe… that and I think our buzzer needs a break.

??? Counter: Ngathf lgan’hagw heyl’r uhluhtc hfan’wlgm iulgn’hp

I guess here’s a good place to stop. Goodbye Patrons. One Lord Soul down, three to go. I can’t wait to see the other three try to top this one in the pure acidity of its badness.

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