1664: SONIC HIGH SCHOOL – Chapter Nine

Title: SONIC HIGH SCHOOL
Author: DarkDoomFireMaster
Media:  Video Game
Topic: Sonic the Hedgehog
Genre: Drama/Romance
URL: Chapter Nine
Critiqued by Lyle and Koori

I can’t.  I just can’t keep this up.

*Lyle is dragged into her office by Koori*

Koori:  Your public needs you, Miss Lyle.  You have no choice.

But this trollfic is sapping my will to live!  Please!  You do it this week!

Koori:  I have to take Barty to the vet again.  It’s been on the calendar for weeks.  I can’t cancel on this short of notice; they have to do special set up for him and you know he won’t let anyone else hold his fin when he gets his vaccines.

But-

Koori: Ask Lina to do it.  *pushes Lyle down onto her chair and then vanishes in a swirl of leaves*

Maybe I will!  *presses a few buttons on her cell phone*

Goddamnit.  *presses another button*  Voicemail.

Fine.  I’ll do it this week but next week I’m going to start alternating this piece of shit with a new fic.

So, summing up the last chapter, Espio decided he didn’t want Rouge to have his baby, so he and Sonic slipped her a “bortion” pill to make her lose said fetus.  However, since she was apparently 9 months along and not 1 day along, she went into labor in the middle of the cafeteria instead.  The school nurse shows up, along with some convenient privacy curtains, and Rouge ends up having a baby that looks like Knuckles.  Drama.  Wee ha-ha.

Oh, did I mention this author thinks babies come out of a woman’s anus?  Yeah.  This is why I’m going back to an alternating schedule.

Chapter 9: A Bunch of Babies

What, is she having a litter?

Rouge’s baby continued to do crying louder than a monster truck. Sonic looked at the baby really close.

“Hey Espio,” said Sonic. “Aren’t babies supposed to look like you? Rouge’s baby doesn’t look like you but looks like someone else I know.” Sonic rubbed his chin and thought about who it was that it looked like.

Don’t burst a brain cell with all that deep thinking you’re doing.

“Yeah Espio, Rouge’s baby looks like Knuckles!” said Vector. “Cool, I’m gonna go tell him!” Vector ran like a crocodile would to find Knuckles to tell him that what he said.

Which is good since Vector is a fucking crocodile.  If Vector was running like a llama, I’d be concerned.

Rouge was still on the ground looking all tired and sore, and Ms. Lesson was rubbing her butt because it was hurting from the baby that came out when she gave birth to her baby. This dang baby was still crying.

Of course the butt-baby is crying!  No one has wrapped it up and offered it to it’s mother!  Some skin-to-skin contact and a snuggle with mom will help immensely.

Espio looked worried about it. “You guys are right… why does not that baby look like me?”

Because Rouge had sex with Knuckles 9 months ago.

Espio went over to Ms. Lesson who was holding the baby still and looked at it closer and still could not see himself in the baby. “This does not make sense!” said Espio to the baby.

*points to her previous comment*  This really isn’t that hard to understand, Espio.  You must have the intellect of a fig newton.

Just then Vector came out of the door and there was Knuckles too, huffing and puffing and looking surprised. Knuckles went right to Rouge and looked at the baby. “Wagooh!” he said, making that sound when he saw the baby (Rouge’s baby) that looked like him. The baby was still crying. “What is wrong with you!” yelled Knuckles at Rouge. “Why did you go and have a baby! Now I gotta be your dad!” he kept yelling at her with the maddest feelings. Knuckles thought about his horoscope that he read this morning and it said “Your biggest fear will come true so you better watch out.” Now he knew what that meant, it was about Rouge’s baby, because Knuckles did not want this responsibility.

Why do you have to be the baby’s father?  Is it because *gasp* you and Rouge had sex 9 months ago?!  Nooooo!  So shocking!

It is harder than having a dog.

No shit, Sherlock.

Rouge was tired and Rouge’s baby was crying but Rouge was crying and scared of Knuckles’s volcano rage and said “I’m sorry! It was supposed to be Espio’s baby. I’m sorry it wasn’t because he would not treat me like this!”

I just… does the author assume that a baby’s father is a random event not related to which penis releases its feeling inside her?

What Rouge said sent Knuckles into the next level of his anger. He turned even redder and looked at Espio. “You tried to have a baby with her? Rouge is mine! You are not allowed!” Knuckles charged at Espio but Vector held him back. Sonic thought “Vector, why would you bring him here if you just know it was going to cause trouble.”

Uhm, what?  Wait.  Rouge and Knuckles were a known item?

Espio said, “What? I did not know. You are not BoyFriend and GirlFriend.” Espio seemed scared but still kind of calm.

That would be pure terror.  Sometimes pure terror causes you to sort of view things from an outside perspective and cause you to be oddly calm.

“We are but it was a secret! Now you have to pay!” Knuckles kept trying to get at Espio but Vector was holding him back,

This is something I have never understood.  It takes two to do the infidelity tango.  Knuckles should be just as angry at Rouge as he is at Espio.  And, given that Knuckles and Rouge had a secret relationship, the real fault is in Rouge since she didn’t feel the need to tell Espio that she was in another relationship.  Even if the relationship is an open one, the responsible thing would be to tell the 3rd person of the situation before the sex happens, that way they can make an informed decision if the want to get involved in a potentially tricky relationship.

and thank goodness Vector was here because he was the captain of the football team and could restrain him like a crocodile seatbelt that could also talk to you.

At least he isn’t made of lasagna.

Knuckles could not get to him so he said “Tomorrow, we will fight! Meet me in the hallway at the end of school and prepare for me to beat on your ass, shitman!” Knuckles stormed out of the lunch room and went away.

Misplaced rage is misplaced.

Rouge’s baby stopped crying and said “No, come back. You don’t have to fight Espio.” But it was too late because Knuckles was so gone by then.

The baby is talking.  It’s 10 minutes old.  My 5-year-old is unintelligible half the time; there is no way this baby can talk.

Rouge patted her baby on the head and said “You should go to sleep and get your rest, baby. You are probably tired.” So Rouge’s baby went to sleep and was finally quiet. Espio tried his best to look like a big tough guy and not panic but he was secretly scared and went back to doing what he was doing before this baby thing happened. So did Sonic, too.

If all else fails, go back to eating lunch.  Okay, then.

The rest of school and getting home from school happened. Sonic did not see Tails or Knuckles for any part of it. Tails was still mad at Sonic. Sonic took out his Sonic Phone on his way home and called his GirlFriend, Amy.

“Hey Amy, so did you decide if you wanted sex?” said Sonic.

Dude.  Really?  Back the fuck off already!

“You know,” said Amy. “Sonic, I am just too stressed out and nervous by everything going on at high school. Things are so crazy!”

Amy is the only character with a brain.  *takes out a notebook and jots down a note*

“Damn,” said Sonic, and hung up the phone and finished getting home. Sonic thought he would never be True BoyFriend and GirlFriend with Amy at this rate. It was almost like she had a second BoyFriend that Sonic did not know about and that was why Amy did not want sex from Somic.

Yes.  Let us just assume the reason she doesn’t want to have sex with you is because she’s seeing someone else on the side.  It couldn’t possibly be because she’s not ready to make that sort of commitment.

Sonic had dinner and then thought about his friends. Espio and Knuckles were both his friends but they were intending to fight. What could Sonic do? Sonic figured that they are still both his friend but he would go visit Espio because he was not the one who said to fight and because Knuckles had spikes on his hands that would make it hard to beat him in a fight. Sonic went to Espio’s house.

While formidable, hand spikes are not necessarily a sure win.  Bring a big stick and hit him before he gets in arm’s reach.  Knuckles never said it was a fist fight.

“Ding dong” said Espio’s doorbell and Sonic waited at the door.

*snort-giggle*  That, right there, is the best part of this entire fic.

Espio showed up at the door and opened it.

“Hey Sonic, thanks for coming.” Said Espio to Sonic. “You gotta help me prepare for this fight. We can start by learning how to get rid of puncture wounds. I was trying not to look nervous to Knuckles, but actually I was. Also, did you hear about Charmy Bee?”

How about you start with learning how to fight, not how to patch yourself up afterwards?  Or, better yet, call the cops and report a threat of physical violence to your person.

“Nope, I did not hear.” Said Sonic back to Espio.

“Knuckles kidnapped that little gay and is threatening to hurt him if I don’t show up to fight him tomorrow.

*smacks the buzzer*

Troll  be a Misogynistic Bigot: 11

It’s amazing how many crimes are committed in each chapter and no one thinks to call in the authorities.

So I have to especially now, because the gods will crush my soul even if Charmy Bee is an annoying idiot loser.” Said Espio then back to Sonic.

“Oh no, that’s really bad,” said Sonic. Sonic knew this now had to happen too because his morals were probably the best ever. He did not know Knuckles would stoop to such a mean thing. Sonic and Espio then walked into Espio’s house and up the stairs to Espio’s bed room.

Bow chicka bow wow?

“Our other friend is here too,” said Espio just as he was opening the door to his bed room. Espio finished opening the door and there was Tails, who was standing in Espio’s room. The moment Tails saw Sonic, his face turned into a salad of anger, the devil, and lava.

…. Okay, I lied.  The doorbell is not the best part of the fic.  This is.  A salad of anger, the devil, and lava.  A fucking salad.  Pardon me while I get my fork and totally tuck into this salad that is apparently evil incarnate.

I was debating doing a second chapter, but after Salad of Doom, I just can’t.  I’ve gotta leave it on that high note.  See you all next week!

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25 Comments on “1664: SONIC HIGH SCHOOL – Chapter Nine”

  1. BatJamags says:

    Which is good since Vector is a fucking crocodile. If Vector was running like a llama, I’d be concerned.

    What if he’s running like an alligator?

  2. BatJamags says:

    *points to her previous comment* This really isn’t that hard to understand, Espio. You must have the intellect of a fig newton.

    Well, now I’m hungry for fig newtons.

    That isn’t a bad thing, by the way, I’m just throwing it out there.

  3. Angie says:

    The baby was still crying. “What is wrong with you!” yelled Knuckles at Rouge. “Why did you go and have a baby! Now I gotta be your dad!” he kept yelling at her with the maddest feelings.

    This is like a bad episode of Blaxk Mirror.

    Or a good episode of the Kardashians.

  4. BatJamags says:

    “Tomorrow, we will fight! Meet me in the hallway at the end of school and prepare for me to beat on your ass, shitman!”

    Shitman joins the Library’s superteam alongside Molderman and Captain Obvious.

  5. Angie says:

    I just… does the author assume that a baby’s father is a random event not related to which penis releases its feeling inside her?

    It would explain why my father left.

  6. BatJamags says:

    While formidable, hand spikes are not necessarily a sure win. Bring a big stick and hit him before he gets in arm’s reach. Knuckles never said it was a fist fight.

    Yes, but you also have to speak softly.

  7. Angie says:

    that little gay

    me too

  8. BatJamags says:

    The moment Tails saw Sonic, his face turned into a salad of anger, the devil, and lava.

    What kind of dressing would you have on that salad?

    I’m thinking Thousand Island.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    Rouge’s baby continued to do crying louder than a monster truck.

    Monster trucks being known for their lachrymosity.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    Espio went over to Ms. Lesson who was holding the baby still and looked at it closer and still could not see himself in the baby

    That’s because babies are typically matte and not reflective.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Why did you go and have a baby! Now I gotta be your dad!”

    I am fairly certain that is not how it works.

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    What Rouge said sent Knuckles into the next level of his anger.

    Now he’s gone to ludicrous anger!

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    a crocodile seatbelt that could also talk to you

    God dammit I just cleaned up the place from the last time the SCP Foundation was here.

  14. SC says:

    Goddamnit. *presses another button* Voicemail.

    Which reminds me, in case any of you ever get sent to Shades’ voicemail, she changed it again. It now goes:

    “Well shit, mate, the damn thing rang four times and I didn’t pick up. I guess that means I don’t plan on answering it, huh? Leave a message and get off my bloody line, you numpty.”

    Admittedly, she was in a bad mood when she recorded that. Admittedly again, she’s kind of always in a bad mood.

  15. SC says:

    You must have the intellect of a fig newton.

    Hey, now. I’ve been playing Oh… Sir! again recently. If you want to start hurling insults, be prepared for a proper insult throwdown.

    Not because I agree with the author or anything, mind.

  16. SC says:

    The baby was still crying. “What is wrong with you!” yelled Knuckles

    “Why is yelling at this baby only making it cry more?!”

  17. SC says:

    Oh, did I mention this author thinks babies come out of a woman’s anus?

    SHIT BABIES!


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