1665: Scarlet – Chapters One, Two, Three, and Four (But Really Only Chapter One)Posted: January 23, 2017
Genre: Romance & Spiritual
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie ft. Auntie Vodka
Trigger Warning: References to body disorders (anorexia, bulimia, etc.), suicide, homophobia, and rape.
Sponsored by Apple.
Also, Auntie Vodka is a real person, and all of her lines are specifically written by her.
Hiraani, Jeffrey, and Niel are not.
*Jeffrey and Hiraani drag Angie down to her desk*
NO! NO! I DON’T WANNA! I DON’T WANNA DO IT!
Jeffrey: It’s for your own good.
HOW in the FUCK is it for MY OWN GOOD?
*screams, fights against her interns’ grips*
NO! FUCK YOU! I don’t want to review Scarlet!
Jeffrey: *ties Angie to her chair with a belt*
Stop! This is abuse!
Hiraani: What about when you furiously slapped me?
That was for a good cause!
Hiraani: What good cause?
Hiraani: Just review the fanfic.
*Jeffrey and Hiraani retire to their dungeon*
Howdy, all. I’m sick. I’m sick as hell. But yeah.
*sigh* 2017 is proving to be a shit year, ain’t it? My depression always gets worse in January. Nothing’s good anymore.
*looks down at manuscript* And it seems as though I found a fanfiction that is the embodiment of everything bad. Scarlet by The Sadness Egg.
*sigh* Guess there’s not any use fighting it anymore. Alright, well. This fic can’t be that bad, can it?
Scarlet Jonas Bieber Raven Archer new she had saw the 1.
I’ve been proven wrong. Well, how about we dive into Scarlet for real?
Scarlet Jonas Bieber Raven Archer new she had saw the 1. The boy hoo wuld change her life.
Twenty bucks says it’s Ghostface.
*twenty bucks fall out of the sky*
The gymnaesim wass filed with many many stewdents all dresed up for the homecomeing dunce, duncing about like fool. Scarlrt pityed them, beng dumm n all.
*Mary Sue counter falls out of the sky*
That’s really strange, but it’s a nifty ex machina, so I’ll allow it.
NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 1
Her raven black heir draped behind her,
…I’ll let Auntie Vodka take this one.
Auntie Vodka: I’m astounded. Exquisite. Pray tell, what inspired such fantastical descriptions? Find this author. Find her and bring her to me. I must learn. Must learn. Must learn. Must.
Huh. There you go.
the silvar screaks shimering in the low floressent gim lihts, her violet eyed twinkleing, her slender, anorexic bodyie
NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 2
This is gonna be a long day.
barley contaned in her size 0 dess.
A…a size zero dress? What the fuck are you talking about?
Lyle has informed me that Size Zero is a real thing. And now I’m gonna go cry.
She had ben geting fat latele shed have tu fx that.
NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 3
her fostr parents brent and shirly caled her cel butt she dint answer it. Scarlit is to cool for that.
Is this information really important to the story? I mean, be honest. If we took out all the unimportant stuff from this fic, the word count would be approximately 73.
her violet eyes flicked towerds the boi agaen.
Oh shit whaddup! Here he comes!
*Auntie Vodka slaps me in the back of the head*
He was sitting with his frend in the corner, oddely no duncinh.
That’s not actually all that odd. I’m fairly certain this guy might be an introvert, so not dancing at a party and instead having anxiety is not insanely uncommon for people of his kind.
Shee headed ovar, steeping gently thorough the herds o duncuiing stewdents.
NUT A MARI SU!!1! Counter: 4
Heer grace full body was grace full
Why does this ALWAYS happen???
like 1 of the beautiful baler-enas. scarlet flipped her hair, moveed her hips back to make her ass bigger, and sucked in her belly as far as it would go to make her tits look way bigger thabn the d cup theey wear.
Again, thanks for the unimportant wardrobe porn. Thanks for the perfectly meaningful rambling. Love you. *kisses fic’s forehead*
“helo bois she said”
the two guis wernt erect at al or even sayimng nything.
I’m honestly not surprised. *Scarlet holds a gun to my head* I’M SORRY!
Something tells me that Niel has no idea what’s going on.
“bois, your hot!”
“ok” they sad.
*snorts* BWAHAHAHAHA! *wipes snot from nose* I’m sorry. I’m sorry, carry on. *giggles*
“y arnt u 2 taking to mee?”
she run away cryineg.
It’s actually kinda fun to see Scarlet in emotional pain. Quick! Someone get the popcorn!
Holy shit! Wait!
*unties belt, walks down to the dungeon* You can…read the future?
*sigh* Nevermind. *walks up stairs, suddenly an anvil falls out of the sky and hits her*
Oh, go fuck yourself.
AUTHERS NOTE: omg charlie and robie are douchebags. scarlet has lots of pain but neither likes her! ;-;
Why?! Why would you do this?
The chapter has already ended? Really?
Niel, what comes next?
Niel: Bathroom knife!
Scarlet cryed and cryed, runing towerds the bathrum. “omg bois hate me!” she pulled a razer out of her pjurse, barsting into teers.
Not another one of these characters. Alright.
NOT AN EMO SUE! Counter: 5
just as she about to slice, a hot boy burst through the door of the womans bathrum,.
NO! DON’T RUIN THIS FOR ME! God damnit, Charlie!
“omg r u ok1”
“yea, i gess.”
Obviously not. You’re crying and you were about to commit suicide.
“sery i dindt pay atten-shun to u whale we were in the gym.”
Charlie called Scarlet a whale? I mean, I agree wholeheartedly, but really?
“its ok. wuts ur name!” she sad.
“charlie” he said.
Wait, don’t you already know his name? Isn’t the idea that you knew him beforehand? You fell in love with a person you’ve never talked to? *sigh*
I’m gonna fucking SCREAM.
AUTHERS NOTE: charlie had a chang of hurt.
He what in the what to who? What?
theyll be a cute cupel :D
I seriously doubt that. :D
sidney, (lol bc this is screem)
No shit? Judging by what you told me, I thought I was reading a fanfic of Piglet’s Big Movie.
scarlet kissed him on the lups.
Wait a minute.
sidney, (lol bc this is screem) scarlet kissed him on the lups.
no wanting ro kiss her.
“y dunt u want to kiss me?” scarlet cryed.
Dude. Not everyone who was ever nice to you wants to hook up with you. Jesus.
NOT AN EMO SUE! Counter: 6
“bc i have some1 else.”
Scarlet cryed as Dharlie left. “every1 harts me!”
No, everyone hates you. There’s a difference.
Elly ran in, her ugly ugly ugl! blond hair streeking behind her. “lookgirls, it’s SCARLET THE FATTY HIPPO!” ellys ugly accomplices, Katrina n Rose, beet me up.
Suddenly, as punches were fliing on me, i felt a wierd feling i had nevr felt b4.
Wait, what? Why did you randomly change tense? What the fuck?
“OUW!” screamd Rose as she explodeed in to a pil of blood!
Jumpscares don’t really work in fanfiction, hon. Sorry.
Scarlet smirked as Elly and Kat ran away in hoorrror.
There was no build up to this, so frankly this scared legitimately no one. *rolls eyes* Ugh, Jesus.
Oh great. Another Scrat segment. God damnit.
sighed and began to cry on her bed.
Not only can she murder people, but apparently she can also teleport.
NOT AN EMO SUE! Counter: 7
Shee just wnated a bf whod luv her.
Don’t you jump into a Disney esque ‘I Want’ song.
Scarlet knew that Charlie was the boi for her, butt he didnt want her!
Last time on: Scarlet.
Shee grabbed a razer blade, holding it to her rist.
Yaas girl! Work it!
She sighed and dug it lightly in to the skin, dragging downwerds. The pan went away quidk an sdhe weant tu slep.
I know from experience that that’s not how it works. I tried. Also!
NOT AN EMO SUE! Counter: 8
2 days latar
Just to be clear, nothing important happened in those two days that we skipped over. Nothing at all.
scratlet want to skool and saw charlie in tge halway, but teh bel ringed and she neded to get to class. so, after skool she decideed tu be the 1 perrson to Cineema Club so she cold convinc hm tu be heir bf.
So if you’re the one person that goes to Cinema Club, how are you going to convince him to be your boyfriend at the club? What even is this plan?
As shee turaned into the rum, shee saw somthin od.
Charlie and robbie were kising!
“u too r going to hell!” she screamed.
*sighs, taps foot on ground* Nothing, I’m fine.
Scarlet wuss tagt in evry singale fostr hom shee had ever been in that gays were sinner f@gs who God Almighty God hated!
Okay…okay I’m okay.
“i cant belive i ever liked u, f@ggot!” Scarlet screamed.
*annoyedly breathes out of nose*
AUTHERS NOTE: Tat was eunexpeted. Ok, to cleer 2 thing s ap.
HOMOSESUALITY IS RONG OK! IF EVRY1 HAs GAY, NO MORE HUmans ok!
GOD no like that ok god = winner boi
*slams fist on desk* Okay, FUCK YOU.
Alright, asshole. You wanna play like that? Two can play at that game. Listen up, Scarlet. Listen up, author. I’m gonna get this out of the way. Everyone is entitled to their religion, just the same as they are entitled to their opinion. I get it, okay? I get that. But listen. One of my BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD is a DEVOUT Christian. A person that I’m OUT to, a person that loves me for who I am. And she’s entitled to her religion as well. So what’s the fucking difference between her and this author? I’ll give you ONE FUCKING CLUE. My best friend isn’t a SHITHEAD who PUTS DOWN MINORITY GROUPS just because JESUS TOLD THEM TO.
NO WONDER YOU’RE WRITING A FANFICTION ABOUT AN EMO OC, NO WONDER SHE DOESN’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. THIS IS NOTHING MORE THAN A SELF INSERT FROM A PERSON WHO FINDS JOY IN DAMNING PEOPLE TO HELL.
And as for ‘everyone is entitled to their own opinion’, here’s this. If your opinion is literally the definition of discrimination against a minority group, then it’s NOT okay to say ‘everyone is entitled to their own opinion’. Sit your FUCKING ASS DOWN AND LISTEN.
I have NO time for your discrimination, author. I have no time for it. I hate you. I hate you, you despicable fucker! You horrendous bitch. You have no chance of redemption. Frankly, you can go to hell. You’re literally one of the worst people I have ever heard of.
I’m NOT against religion. I’m NOT against religion. I DON’T hate religious people. I’m against people who use their religion as an EXCUSE to PUT DOWN PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT FROM THEM. Homophobia is a sin according to the Bible. Fucking fine. Alright? You know what else are sins? Eating bacon. Tattoos. Getting remarried. Gossip. Football. Divorcing a cheater. If people followed these things, fucking everyone would be going to hell.
If your opinion literally might destroy someone else’s way of life, then maybe, just maybe, your opinion is a piece of shit, and if you’re acting like an asshole because of your religion like it’s an excuse, that makes you a piece of shit. And frankly, asshole, I wouldn’t give two shits if you got fucking totaled in a car wreck. You’re an ignorant little piece of shit who doesn’t deserve anything if you don’t at least try to pretend like you’re not one of the worst types of people on Earth.
(Okay, I’m done with the Todd gifs.)
We’ve worked TOO FUCKING HARD for our community to be undermined once again like it’s the fucking 20th century. We were doing SO FUCKING WELL FOR OURSELVES, and for you to fucking say stupid shit like that in your fic like…you’re just a fucking junkie preaching to the choir, fuckface! And yes, I fucking used a Green Day lyric, but I don’t give a shit! It’s true! You’re the fanfiction author equivalent of Vice President Mike Pence. That’s what you are. I wouldn’t be at all fucking surprised if you had Charlie go through electroshock therapy to turn them straight! I’m almost certain that’s what’s going to happen! Fucking hell!
Look at this video. Look at it. This is one of my favorite videos on the internet. Hopefully, Ms. Archer, if you come onto this website, see this riff and watch this video, it might just smack some fucking sense into you.
This is fucking worse than the homophobia in My Immortal 3. This is the worst homophobia I have ever read about. And to think it all comes from a fucking NINE YEAR OLD WHO CAN’T SPELL, is just fucking astounding. It’s astounding how much of a douchebag you are.
You are the worst kind of person. The absolute worst.
Auntie, any thoughts?
Auntie Vodka: Too bdrunk to know whats going on
Thanks. *groans* I really, really don’t want to continue reading this.
Charlie paused, and Robby quietly snuck out behind Scarlet, saying nothing.
Was Scarlet’s back turned towards Robby? If not, I cannot think of any other explanation as to how Robby escaped from behind Scarlet since just a second ago he was in front of her. Maybe Scarlet just has really bad eyesight?
“hoodo u think u r, you f@gg!” Scarlet howled.
*explodes out of pure anger*
Auntie Vodka: thats what i say wehn i win at bingo. HOOTY HOO! Banzai!
Shee was feriouss at him for being gros an aginst God.
Okay, cumshot. How do you know that Charlie is against God just because he’s gay? There’s nothing like that in the Gay Bible.
I promise. I wrote it.
Shee raced out of the room, crying.
She burst into teers next to heer loker. After a while, a girl with goldy-broun heir placeed heer haned on to her sholdar.
And then everyone became gay, amen.
“wats wrung?” she askd
*pulls out a long list of nitpicks based on the fic* Jesus Christ, where do I begin?
“Mi crush is aganst God. idk if i can like him anymor.” Scarlet replied.
I want an alternate ending to this where Scarlet’s sentence is taken literally based on how it’s written. Her crush doesn’t like God, so Scarlet can’t like God anymore, because of the process of elimination or whatever.
heer iliner wasu streeked don her face, but she didnt care!
And that sentence was important to the story because…why?
“o honey its ok. wut did he do O-o” the girl sad.
He did a thing that was against God. That’s literally all you need to know.
Also, what kind of emoticon is O-o?
“Hes a f@g. i caht him kising a nother dude . ;_;” replyed Scarlit.
Why does this remind me of Brooklyn Nine Nine? How do you pronounce ; _;?
“Hoo is your crush?” she asked.
“wtf hes always hiteing on me!” she screemed.
Well, he could be bisexual. I mean, that’s a thing, right?
Also, of course he’s always hitting on you. Because this fic is full of…
NOT ANOTHER EMO SUE! Counter: 9
“idk he’s so fucking stu pod. We shud kill him for beng an abominition.”
Woa-oah. That’s a bit of a stretch, isn’t it?
“ok.” kirby sad.
Oh my GOD. WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM, YOU MONSTER?!
“But i dunt thank hee dereves dat jus fr that.”
“ur a f@gg inabler! u shud die 2.”
I read that as ‘f@gg inhaler’ and I got really confused.
Scarlet ran off, crying and fled to her house.
I read that as ‘horse’ and I got really confused.
Ehh, I’m counting it.
NOT A FLICKA SUE!?! Counter: 10
Also, why is this the only thing I can think of?
Treasure Planet is a good movie, to be clear, but…God, John Rzeznik is such a little shit.
Hell, ain’t as bad as Charlie Puth, though. Fuck Charlie Puth.
da naxt day, Scarlet was headig thourgough dsa hal,
I need to look away for a second…I’m getting a headache from all the mistakes. Auntie, say something.
Auntie Vodka: thourgough mough bibbliegough what the fugough are yough saying.
Ugh, I meant something coherent.
wen the prince-i-pal stooped her!
That sounds like the new Apple product. This year, we’re introducing something phenomenal. Something never before seen. We call it the Prince iPal. Let me describe for you how it works.
You—OH MY GOD JUST SHUT UP.
“ok scarlet archer, we hav gotin repoerts of homo-fobic remerls and dead treats frum u last nite! u r gona be expeled
unels u du me a favor.”
Niel: Told you!
“wut” Scarlet was abot to cry.
“show me them titties!”
Auntie Vodka: At least buy her a drink first! This generation, I say!
That was the first coherent sentence in this entire fanfiction. It was the first sentence without any grammar mistakes. Woo-hoo!
Hiraani: I made pinata cakes!
No, Ghostie made them.
Hiraani: I can dream!
Dhe was so inocenrt, but heer parents would be made if she gut expeled. so she lifted heer shirt up, her massive, perky breats exposed.
NUT A TITTY SUE! Counter: 11
Is a revolutionary product, unlike anything Apple has ever made before. This includes—
Yes, YouTube, but that should be no surprise to anyone.
begun to jerk off. his tiny cock.
Exactly three eraser shavings high and one eraser shaving wide.
was uplsatinbg, hos hand wrunning up and dun it.
Scarlit leanned down, sucking herd at da prinmce-i-pals’ cock.
Auntie Vodka: This is the worst orgy I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen Three and a Half.
*cringes* Don’t remind me of that shit.
Auntie Vodka: You weren’t there for the worst of it.
“omg oh oh oh” he screemed as he climexed, jiz floing into her mouth. shee drank it.
den the bell rang and she fleed for clas.
So they were doing this in the middle of the hall?
Niel: Where else?
Auntie Vodka: Spit, don’t swallow. Otherwise it’s gay.
Auntie! What the fuck?
So, the author just stopped for a chapter break just for a quick illegal lemonparty? Seems legit.
Niel: Fruit sex!
The neit dayy, Scarlet, ran behid the skool. she read teh Bible she always caryed wit her and pulled up to da scripture.
Da scripture, huh? Reminds me of—
Auntie Vodka: *bad Steve Urkel voice* You’re too slow.
see spoted charlie near da akool and forceed the bible into his fac.
Well that’s not nice.
Auntie Vodka: Read a book!
“if a mum is yo lie with snother masn, that is an abi,mintuon in both of tem shal be in theer on blued.”
It should be a sin to deface the Bible with terrible grammar.
I mean, I don’t give a shit, but regardless—
scarlet ran of, fahing shun a gay abominition the wordz of Jee-sus.
AUTHERS NOT: OK THE REESON SCARLIT AND CHARLI R A CUPLE IN DA DES IS BC GAYS CANT FAL IN LOVE THY CIN ONLY BE LUSTFULL
That’s funny. Since Auntie Vodka and I are both proud LGBT members, we can both wholly agree with this statement.
Auntie Vodka: I have never felt sexual arousal in my life. I’ve tried viagra but they said it wouldn’t work for me. I think that’s called sexism, but who can say.
I hate sexists, don’t you?
Great, you taught him a new word. Happy?
Auntie Vodka: I’M SENILE.
NO YOU’RE NOT.
Anyway, that was part one of my Scarlet review. Auntie, any last thoughts before we close the riff?
Auntie Vodka: FUck no.
Kk cool cool. WHELP, this is Angie signing off for now. Until next time,