1665: Scarlet – Chapters One, Two, Three, and Four (But Really Only Chapter One)

Title: Scarlet
Author: sadnesseggxxx
Media: Movies
Topic: Scream
Genre: Romance & Spiritual
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie ft. Auntie Vodka

Trigger Warning: References to body disorders (anorexia, bulimia, etc.), suicide, homophobia, and rape.

Sponsored by Apple.

Not really.

Oops.

Also, Auntie Vodka is a real person, and all of her lines are specifically written by her.

Hiraani, Jeffrey, and Niel are not.

*Jeffrey and Hiraani drag Angie down to her desk*

NO! NO! I DON’T WANNA! I DON’T WANNA DO IT!

Jeffrey: It’s for your own good.

HOW in the FUCK is it for MY OWN GOOD?

*screams, fights against her interns’ grips*

Hiraani: Stop.

NO! FUCK YOU! I don’t want to review Scarlet!

Jeffrey: *ties Angie to her chair with a belt*

Stop! This is abuse!

Hiraani: What about when you furiously slapped me?

That was for a good cause!

Hiraani: What good cause?

Charity?

Hiraani: Just review the fanfic.

Fine.

*Jeffrey and Hiraani retire to their dungeon*

Howdy, all. I’m sick. I’m sick as hell. But yeah.

*sigh* 2017 is proving to be a shit year, ain’t it? My depression always gets worse in January. Nothing’s good anymore.

*looks down at manuscript* And it seems as though I found a fanfiction that is the embodiment of everything bad. Scarlet by The Sadness Egg.

*sigh* Guess there’s not any use fighting it anymore. Alright, well. This fic can’t be that bad, can it?

chaptar oine
Scarlet Jonas Bieber Raven Archer new she had saw the 1.

*headdesk*

I’ve been proven wrong. Well, how about we dive into Scarlet for real?

chaptar oine
Scarlet Jonas Bieber Raven Archer new she had saw the 1. The boy hoo wuld change her life.

Twenty bucks says it’s Ghostface.

*twenty bucks fall out of the sky*

Thank you.

The gymnaesim wass filed with many many stewdents all dresed up for the homecomeing dunce, duncing about like fool. Scarlrt pityed them, beng dumm n all.

*Mary Sue counter falls out of the sky*

That’s really strange, but it’s a nifty ex machina, so I’ll allow it.

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 1

Her raven black heir draped behind her,

…I’ll let Auntie Vodka take this one.

Auntie Vodka: I’m astounded. Exquisite. Pray tell, what inspired such fantastical descriptions? Find this author. Find her and bring her to me. I must learn. Must learn. Must learn. Must.

Huh. There you go.

the silvar screaks shimering in the low floressent gim lihts, her violet eyed twinkleing, her slender, anorexic bodyie

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 2

This is gonna be a long day.

barley contaned in her size 0 dess.

A…a size zero dress? What the fuck are you talking about?

*confers*

Lyle has informed me that Size Zero is a real thing. And now I’m gonna go cry.

She had ben geting fat latele shed have tu fx that.

Clearly.

NOT A MARY SUE! Counter: 3

her fostr parents brent and shirly caled her cel butt she dint answer it. Scarlit is to cool for that.

spider

Is this information really important to the story? I mean, be honest. If we took out all the unimportant stuff from this fic, the word count would be approximately 73.

her violet eyes flicked towerds the boi agaen.

Oh shit whaddup! Here he comes!

*Auntie Vodka slaps me in the back of the head*

Ow!

He was sitting with his frend in the corner, oddely no duncinh.

That’s not actually all that odd. I’m fairly certain this guy might be an introvert, so not dancing at a party and instead having anxiety is not insanely uncommon for people of his kind.

Shee headed ovar, steeping gently thorough the herds o duncuiing stewdents.

NUT A MARI SU!!1! Counter: 4

Heer grace full body was grace full

AWOOGAH! AWOOGAH!

Why does this ALWAYS happen???

like 1 of the beautiful baler-enas. scarlet flipped her hair, moveed her hips back to make her ass bigger, and sucked in her belly as far as it would go to make her tits look way bigger thabn the d cup theey wear.

Again, thanks for the unimportant wardrobe porn. Thanks for the perfectly meaningful rambling. Love you. *kisses fic’s forehead*

“helo bois she said”
the two guis wernt erect at al or even sayimng nything.

I’m honestly not surprised. *Scarlet holds a gun to my head* I’M SORRY!

Niel: Butter!

Something tells me that Niel has no idea what’s going on.

“bois, your hot!”
“ok” they sad.

*snorts* BWAHAHAHAHA! *wipes snot from nose* I’m sorry. I’m sorry, carry on. *giggles*

“y arnt u 2 taking to mee?”
she run away cryineg.

It’s actually kinda fun to see Scarlet in emotional pain. Quick! Someone get the popcorn!

Niel: Butter!

Holy shit! Wait!

*unties belt, walks down to the dungeon* You can…read the future?

Niel: Anvil!

*sigh* Nevermind. *walks up stairs, suddenly an anvil falls out of the sky and hits her*

Niel: Anvil!

Oh, go fuck yourself.

AUTHERS NOTE: omg charlie and robie are douchebags. scarlet has lots of pain but neither likes her! ;-;

AWOOGAH. AWOOGAH.

Why?! Why would you do this?

chaptar to

The chapter has already ended? Really?

Niel, what comes next?

Niel: Bathroom knife!

Oh, goddamnit.

Scarlet cryed and cryed, runing towerds the bathrum. “omg bois hate me!” she pulled a razer out of her pjurse, barsting into teers.

Not another one of these characters. Alright.

NOT AN EMO SUE! Counter: 5

just as she about to slice, a hot boy burst through the door of the womans bathrum,.

NO! DON’T RUIN THIS FOR ME! God damnit, Charlie!

“omg r u ok1”

“yea, i gess.”

Obviously not. You’re crying and you were about to commit suicide.

“sery i dindt pay atten-shun to u whale we were in the gym.”

Charlie called Scarlet a whale? I mean, I agree wholeheartedly, but really?

“its ok. wuts ur name!” she sad.
“charlie” he said.

Wait, don’t you already know his name? Isn’t the idea that you knew him beforehand? You fell in love with a person you’ve never talked to? *sigh*

“im scarlet.”

I’m gonna fucking SCREAM.

AUTHERS NOTE: charlie had a chang of hurt.

He what in the what to who? What?

theyll be a cute cupel :D

I seriously doubt that. :D

sidney, (lol bc this is screem)

No shit? Judging by what you told me, I thought I was reading a fanfic of Piglet’s Big Movie.

scarlet kissed him on the lups.

Wait a minute.

sidney, (lol bc this is screem) scarlet kissed him on the lups.

I…don’t even…

*headdesk*

CARRY ON.

charlie wrihed,

He what-ed?

no wanting ro kiss her.
“y dunt u want to kiss me?” scarlet cryed.

Dude. Not everyone who was ever nice to you wants to hook up with you. Jesus.

NOT AN EMO SUE! Counter: 6

“bc i have some1 else.”
Scarlet cryed as Dharlie left. “every1 harts me!”

No, everyone hates you. There’s a difference.

Elly ran in, her ugly ugly ugl! blond hair streeking behind her. “lookgirls, it’s SCARLET THE FATTY HIPPO!” ellys ugly accomplices, Katrina n Rose, beet me up.

01

Suddenly, as punches were fliing on me, i felt a wierd feling i had nevr felt b4.

Wait, what? Why did you randomly change tense? What the fuck?

“OUW!” screamd Rose as she explodeed in to a pil of blood!

ron

Jumpscares don’t really work in fanfiction, hon. Sorry.

Scarlet smirked as Elly and Kat ran away in hoorrror.

There was no build up to this, so frankly this scared legitimately no one. *rolls eyes* Ugh, Jesus.

chaptar 3
Scralat

Oh great. Another Scrat segment. God damnit.

Oh wait.

sighed and began to cry on her bed.

Not only can she murder people, but apparently she can also teleport.

NOT AN EMO SUE! Counter: 7

Shee just wnated a bf whod luv her.

Don’t you jump into a Disney esque ‘I Want’ song.

 

Scarlet knew that Charlie was the boi for her, butt he didnt want her!

Last time on: Scarlet.

Shee grabbed a razer blade, holding it to her rist.

Yaas girl! Work it!

She sighed and dug it lightly in to the skin, dragging downwerds. The pan went away quidk an sdhe weant tu slep.

I know from experience that that’s not how it works. I tried. Also!

NOT AN EMO SUE! Counter: 8

2 days latar

Just to be clear, nothing important happened in those two days that we skipped over. Nothing at all.

scratlet want to skool and saw charlie in tge halway, but teh bel ringed and she neded to get to class. so, after skool she decideed tu be the 1 perrson to Cineema Club so she cold convinc hm tu be heir bf.

So if you’re the one person that goes to Cinema Club, how are you going to convince him to be your boyfriend at the club? What even is this plan?

As shee turaned into the rum, shee saw somthin od.
Charlie and robbie were kising!

02

“u too r going to hell!” she screamed.

*sighs, taps foot on ground* Nothing, I’m fine.

Scarlet wuss tagt in evry singale fostr hom shee had ever been in that gays were sinner f@gs who God Almighty God hated!

Okay…okay I’m okay.

“i cant belive i ever liked u, f@ggot!” Scarlet screamed.

*annoyedly breathes out of nose*

AUTHERS NOTE: Tat was eunexpeted. Ok, to cleer 2 thing s ap.
HOMOSESUALITY IS RONG OK! IF EVRY1 HAs GAY, NO MORE HUmans ok!
GOD no like that ok god = winner boi

*slams fist on desk* Okay, FUCK YOU.

Alright, asshole. You wanna play like that? Two can play at that game. Listen up, Scarlet. Listen up, author. I’m gonna get this out of the way. Everyone is entitled to their religion, just the same as they are entitled to their opinion. I get it, okay? I get that. But listen. One of my BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD is a DEVOUT Christian. A person that I’m OUT to, a person that loves me for who I am. And she’s entitled to her religion as well. So what’s the fucking difference between her and this author? I’ll give you ONE FUCKING CLUE. My best friend isn’t a SHITHEAD who PUTS DOWN MINORITY GROUPS just because JESUS TOLD THEM TO.

NO WONDER YOU’RE WRITING A FANFICTION ABOUT AN EMO OC, NO WONDER SHE DOESN’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. THIS IS NOTHING MORE THAN A SELF INSERT FROM A PERSON WHO FINDS JOY IN DAMNING PEOPLE TO HELL.

And as for ‘everyone is entitled to their own opinion’, here’s this. If your opinion is literally the definition of discrimination against a minority group, then it’s NOT okay to say ‘everyone is entitled to their own opinion’. Sit your FUCKING ASS DOWN AND LISTEN.

I have NO time for your discrimination, author. I have no time for it. I hate you. I hate you, you despicable fucker! You horrendous bitch. You have no chance of redemption. Frankly, you can go to hell. You’re literally one of the worst people I have ever heard of.

I’m NOT against religion. I’m NOT against religion. I DON’T hate religious people. I’m against people who use their religion as an EXCUSE to PUT DOWN PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT FROM THEM. Homophobia is a sin according to the Bible. Fucking fine. Alright? You know what else are sins? Eating bacon. Tattoos. Getting remarried. Gossip. Football. Divorcing a cheater. If people followed these things, fucking everyone would be going to hell.

If your opinion literally might destroy someone else’s way of life, then maybe, just maybe, your opinion is a piece of shit, and if you’re acting like an asshole because of your religion like it’s an excuse, that makes you a piece of shit. And frankly, asshole, I wouldn’t give two shits if you got fucking totaled in a car wreck. You’re an ignorant little piece of shit who doesn’t deserve anything if you don’t at least try to pretend like you’re not one of the worst types of people on Earth.

03

(Okay, I’m done with the Todd gifs.)

We’ve worked TOO FUCKING HARD for our community to be undermined once again like it’s the fucking 20th century. We were doing SO FUCKING WELL FOR OURSELVES, and for you to fucking say stupid shit like that in your fic like…you’re just a fucking junkie preaching to the choir, fuckface! And yes, I fucking used a Green Day lyric, but I don’t give a shit! It’s true! You’re the fanfiction author equivalent of Vice President Mike Pence. That’s what you are. I wouldn’t be at all fucking surprised if you had Charlie go through electroshock therapy to turn them straight! I’m almost certain that’s what’s going to happen! Fucking hell!

Look at this video. Look at it. This is one of my favorite videos on the internet. Hopefully, Ms. Archer, if you come onto this website, see this riff and watch this video, it might just smack some fucking sense into you.

This is fucking worse than the homophobia in My Immortal 3. This is the worst homophobia I have ever read about. And to think it all comes from a fucking NINE YEAR OLD WHO CAN’T SPELL, is just fucking astounding. It’s astounding how much of a douchebag you are.

You are the worst kind of person. The absolute worst.

Auntie, any thoughts?

Auntie Vodka: Too bdrunk to know whats going on

Thanks. *groans* I really, really don’t want to continue reading this.

Charlie paused, and Robby quietly snuck out behind Scarlet, saying nothing.

Was Scarlet’s back turned towards Robby? If not, I cannot think of any other explanation as to how Robby escaped from behind Scarlet since just a second ago he was in front of her. Maybe Scarlet just has really bad eyesight?

“hoodo u think u r, you f@gg!” Scarlet howled.

*explodes out of pure anger*

Auntie Vodka: thats what i say wehn i win at bingo. HOOTY HOO! Banzai!

Shee was feriouss at him for being gros an aginst God.

Okay, cumshot. How do you know that Charlie is against God just because he’s gay? There’s nothing like that in the Gay Bible.

I promise. I wrote it.

Shee raced out of the room, crying.
She burst into teers next to heer loker. After a while, a girl with goldy-broun heir placeed heer haned on to her sholdar.

And then everyone became gay, amen.

“wats wrung?” she askd

*pulls out a long list of nitpicks based on the fic* Jesus Christ, where do I begin?

“Mi crush is aganst God. idk if i can like him anymor.” Scarlet replied.

I want an alternate ending to this where Scarlet’s sentence is taken literally based on how it’s written. Her crush doesn’t like God, so Scarlet can’t like God anymore, because of the process of elimination or whatever.

heer iliner wasu streeked don her face, but she didnt care!

And that sentence was important to the story because…why?

“o honey its ok. wut did he do O-o” the girl sad.

He did a thing that was against God. That’s literally all you need to know.

Also, what kind of emoticon is O-o?

“Hes a f@g. i caht him kising a nother dude . ;_;” replyed Scarlit.

Why does this remind me of Brooklyn Nine Nine? How do you pronounce ; _;?

“Hoo is your crush?” she asked.
“charlie waker.”
“wtf hes always hiteing on me!” she screemed.

Well, he could be bisexual. I mean, that’s a thing, right?

Also, of course he’s always hitting on you. Because this fic is full of…

NOT ANOTHER EMO SUE! Counter: 9

“idk he’s so fucking stu pod. We shud kill him for beng an abominition.”

Woa-oah. That’s a bit of a stretch, isn’t it?

“ok.” kirby sad.

Kirby sad?

kirby-sad

Oh my GOD. WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM, YOU MONSTER?!

“But i dunt thank hee dereves dat jus fr that.”
“ur a f@gg inabler! u shud die 2.”

I read that as ‘f@gg inhaler’ and I got really confused.

Scarlet ran off, crying and fled to her house.

I read that as ‘horse’ and I got really confused.

Ehh, I’m counting it.

NOT A FLICKA SUE!?! Counter: 10

Also, why is this the only thing I can think of?

Treasure Planet is a good movie, to be clear, but…God, John Rzeznik is such a little shit.

adfadf

Hell, ain’t as bad as Charlie Puth, though. Fuck Charlie Puth.

puth

I digress.

chaper 3
da naxt day, Scarlet was headig thourgough dsa hal,

I need to look away for a second…I’m getting a headache from all the mistakes. Auntie, say something.

Auntie Vodka: thourgough mough bibbliegough what the fugough are yough saying.

Ugh, I meant something coherent.

Niel: Niel!

NOT YOU!

wen the prince-i-pal stooped her!

That sounds like the new Apple product. This year, we’re introducing something phenomenal. Something never before seen. We call it the Prince iPal. Let me describe for you how it works.

Niel: Fruit!

You—OH MY GOD JUST SHUT UP.
“ok scarlet archer, we hav gotin repoerts of homo-fobic remerls and dead treats frum u last nite! u r gona be expeled

Yes!

Niel: No.

unels u du me a favor.”

No!

Niel: Told you!

SHUT UP!

“wut” Scarlet was abot to cry.
“show me them titties!”

Pardon me?!?

Auntie Vodka: At least buy her a drink first! This generation, I say!

Scarlet cried.

That was the first coherent sentence in this entire fanfiction. It was the first sentence without any grammar mistakes. Woo-hoo!

Hiraani: I made pinata cakes!

No, Ghostie made them.

Hiraani: I can dream!

Dhe was so inocenrt, but heer parents would be made if she gut expeled. so she lifted heer shirt up, her massive, perky breats exposed.

NUT A TITTY SUE! Counter: 11

the prince-pal

Is a revolutionary product, unlike anything Apple has ever made before. This includes—

Niel: YouTube!

Yes, YouTube, but that should be no surprise to anyone.

begun to jerk off. his tiny cock.

Exactly three eraser shavings high and one eraser shaving wide.

was uplsatinbg, hos hand wrunning up and dun it.
Scarlit leanned down, sucking herd at da prinmce-i-pals’ cock.

Auntie Vodka: This is the worst orgy I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen Three and a Half.

*cringes* Don’t remind me of that shit.

Auntie Vodka: You weren’t there for the worst of it.

“omg oh oh oh” he screemed as he climexed, jiz floing into her mouth. shee drank it.
den the bell rang and she fleed for clas.

So they were doing this in the middle of the hall?

Niel: Where else?

Excuse me?

Auntie Vodka: Spit, don’t swallow. Otherwise it’s gay.

Auntie! What the fuck?

chaptr 4.

So, the author just stopped for a chapter break just for a quick illegal lemonparty? Seems legit.

Niel: Fruit!

No, sex.

Niel: Fruit sex!

*headdesk* NO!

The neit dayy, Scarlet, ran behid the skool. she read teh Bible she always caryed wit her and pulled up to da scripture.

Da scripture, huh? Reminds me of—

Auntie Vodka:

da-rules

Auntie Vodka: *bad Steve Urkel voice* You’re too slow.

see spoted charlie near da akool and forceed the bible into his fac.

Well that’s not nice.

Auntie Vodka: Read a book!

“if a mum is yo lie with snother masn, that is an abi,mintuon in both of tem shal be in theer on blued.”

It should be a sin to deface the Bible with terrible grammar.

I mean, I don’t give a shit, but regardless—

scarlet ran of, fahing shun a gay abominition the wordz of Jee-sus.

Jee-sus, huh?

*sighs dramatically*

AUTHERS NOT: OK THE REESON SCARLIT AND CHARLI R A CUPLE IN DA DES IS BC GAYS CANT FAL IN LOVE THY CIN ONLY BE LUSTFULL

That’s funny. Since Auntie Vodka and I are both proud LGBT members, we can both wholly agree with this statement.

Auntie Vodka: I have never felt sexual arousal in my life. I’ve tried viagra but they said it wouldn’t work for me. I think that’s called sexism, but who can say.

I hate sexists, don’t you?

Niel: Viagra!

Great, you taught him a new word. Happy?

Auntie Vodka: I’M SENILE.

NO YOU’RE NOT.

Anyway, that was part one of my Scarlet review. Auntie, any last thoughts before we close the riff?

Auntie Vodka: FUck no.

Kk cool cool. WHELP, this is Angie signing off for now. Until next time,

da-rules

Bye biches!

Advertisements

83 Comments on “1665: Scarlet – Chapters One, Two, Three, and Four (But Really Only Chapter One)”

  1. BatJamags says:

    Trigger Warning: References to body disorders (anorexia, bulimia, etc.), suicide, homophobia, and rape.

    Sounds like a great time. I’m sure this author will handle all of these subjects tastefully and respectfu*Snerk*

    Alright, I couldn’t get through that sentence with a straight face.

  2. BatJamags says:

    Scarlet Jonas Bieber Raven Archer

    Trollfic. I hope.

  3. BatJamags says:

    Twenty bucks says it’s Ghostface.

    One of them, at least.

  4. BatJamags says:

    Scarlrt pityed them, beng dumm n all.

    Oh, well I can completely understand largely unfounded feelings of superiority caused by the belief in most other people’s stupidity.

    Not that I do that, of course.

  5. BatJamags says:

    the silvar screaks shimering in the low floressent gim lihts, her violet eyed twinkleing, her slender, anorexic bodyie

    Alright, calm down, Enoby.

    • Angie says:

      No, this is a totally different character with no ties at all to Ebony. Clearly this character has a different name so they’re completely different and bear no ties to anyone at this table living or dead. Amen.

    • BatJamags says:

      Scarlet cryed and cryed, runing towerds the bathrum. “omg bois hate me!” she pulled a razer out of her pjurse, barsting into teers.

      CALM DOWN, ENOBY.

  6. BatJamags says:

    Lyle has informed me that Size Zero is a real thing. And now I’m gonna go cry.

    I’m pretty sure that would be, like, a black hole.

    • Angie says:

      I can’t even fucking fathom a Size Zero dress.

      • "Lyle" says:

        Welcome to the stupidity that is women’s clothing sizes. This is just one of the bullshit things we have to deal with. “Modern size 0 clothing, depending on brand and style, fits measurements of chest-stomach-hips from 30-22-32 inches (76-56-81 cm) to 33-25-35 inches (84-64-89 cm). Size 00 can be anywhere from 0.5 to 2 inches (1 to 5 cm) smaller than size 0.”

        Note the “depending on the brand and style” part. Women’s clothing sizes are NON-STANDARD. A guy can go buy a pair of pants measuring at a 34-32 and knows it’s a 34 inch waist and a 32 inch inseam. Meanwhile, I have a pair of size 12 jeans I have to suck my gut in to button and a pair of size 12 jeans I can pull on and off WITHOUT UNFASTENING. So typically I can find my best fit in a size 10. Explain that one to me.

        Also, size inflation is a thing. Manufacturers have changed the sizes as the average woman’s measurements have changed. It’s a marketing ploy to make us feel skinnier and purchase more clothing because a size 12 now a days used to be like a size 16 thirty years ago. Oh, and pants sizes are not the same as underwear sizes, even though they cover the same part of the body. Pants = size 10. Underwear? Size 6. Although in some brands, “Medium.” Other brands, “large.”

        And when you have such a posterior and you’re only 5 feet tall like certain Lyles, finding a dress that fits is nearly impossible. My mom had to hem my wedding dress up like 3 inches because I’m a leprechaun and they don’t make maxi dresses for leprechauns unless those leprechauns wear stilts.

        Other stupid female clothing issues:

        1.) Pockets that are either the size of a ritz cracker, or fake altogether.
        2.) Outer clothing so thin you can see through it (long sleeve shirts included) because apparently we have to wear 4 or 5 shirts at a time to maintain a modicum of warmth and modesty.
        3.) “Built-in bras” in dresses and camisoles designed by people who have no idea what a breast is or how it is shaped
        4.) BRAS designed by people who have no idea what a breast is or how it is shaped
        5.) Jackets/Winter wear with 3/4 length sleeves, because apparently our forearms are made of highly insulated material and don’t need coverage in a fucking snow storm.
        6.) Shorts who’s sole design is to be eaten by your crotch.

        I could go on, but you get the picture, I’m sure.

        …Wow, that rant went on a little longer than expected. Sorry about that.

        • GhostCat says:

          That’s not even addressing the special hell that is plus size women’s clothing, which has all the issues of regular women’s clothing – thin fabric requiring multiple layers and a schematic when getting dressed, non-standard sizing, steep necklines on everything, no frickin’ pockets – as well as additional problems. I own clothes that range from 20W to 26W and 2X to 5X and absolutely none of it fits the same. Most of the sizing issues arise from the fact that most clothing companies just take a standard pattern template and enlarge it – not really taking into account that increasing the width of the waist or chest also increases the width of the knees, ankles, shoulders, neckline, etc. of the garment and humans don’t gain or lose weight evenly over their entire body. And the selection is abysmal; if I can even find plus size clothing is a store it is almost always shapeless sacks of ugly, cheap cloth.

      • Angie says:

        Lyle keeps making things up like Size Zero.

        The pocket thing is true though.

      • SC says:

        See, this is part of why I like playing female characters in video games: game devs tend to make clothes across an expansive range, so you aren’t stuck with the idiotic real world fashion industry crap.

  7. BatJamags says:

    “bois, your hot!”
    “ok” they sad.

    Yeah, they should really turn up the AC in here.

  8. BatJamags says:

    AUTHERS NOTE: omg charlie and robie are douchebags. scarlet has lots of pain but neither likes her! ;-;

    THUH DRAHMUH

  9. BatJamags says:

    I’m gonna fucking SCREAM.

  10. BatJamags says:

    sidney, (lol bc this is screem) scarlet kissed him on the lups.

    *Brain attempts to comprehend this for a few minutes*

    So this is taking place in Australia?

  11. BatJamags says:

    Wait, what? Why did you randomly change tense? What the fuck?

    That was the weird feeling she’d never felt before.

  12. BatJamags says:

    “OUW!” screamd Rose as she explodeed in to a pil of blood!

    Oh, you’re stealing from Jeff the Killer now?

  13. BatJamags says:

    “u too r going to hell!” she screamed.

    *Sigh* Seriously?

  14. BatJamags says:

    Scarlet wuss tagt in evry singale fostr hom shee had ever been in that gays were sinner f@gs who God Almighty God hated!

    Oh hell, it’s Fundamentalist Enoby.

  15. BatJamags says:

    I read that as ‘f@gg inhaler’ and I got really confused.

    In the U.K., the other F word is slang for cigarette.

    Hey, maybe Scarlet just thinks that Charlie and Bobby are both cigarettes and that God hates those.

    • "Lyle" says:

      I saw “Fog Inhaler” and I got really confused.

    • SC says:

      Hey, maybe Scarlet just thinks that Charlie and Bobby are both cigarettes and that God hates those.

      Scarlet: I’ve never even met those people, and I can’t fathom which god they could have pissed off by existing. Also, what’s a cigarette?

      You put it in your mouth, light one end on fire and inhale.

      Scarlet: Oh, like a smoking pipe, then?

      Kinda, yeah.

  16. BatJamags says:

    chaper 3

    Isn’t this, like, the the fourth time chapter three has started?

  17. SC says:

    Scarlet

    Scarlet: Yes?

    Not you.

    Scarlet: Sounded like me.

  18. SC says:

    “OUW!” screamd Rose as she explodeed in to a pil of blood!

    Scarlet: I have caused many people to explode into bloody messes in my time – depending on the setting, it was either by cannon fire or using the Force to throw them into a wall really hard – and they usually don’t have the time to scream before being reduced to a red pulp.

  19. SC says:

    scarlet has lots of pain

    Scarlet: Er… yes, and they’re known as “old battle scars.” They tend to ache when the weather changes. But I certainly don’t think it needs announcing to the world.

  20. Leider Hosen says:

    Trigger Warning: References to body disorders (anorexia, bulimia, etc.), suicide, homophobia, and rape.

    Wow, I manged to get a BINGO before the fic even started… and now the Bingo card is giving me the finger.

  21. Leider Hosen says:

    The gymnaesim wass filed with many many stewdents all dresed up for the homecomeing dunce, duncing about like fool. Scarlrt pityed them, beng dumm n all.

    I’m pretty sure everyone in this is a dunce, regardless of Homecoming.

  22. Leider Hosen says:

    the silvar screaks shimering in the low floressent gim lihts, her violet eyed twinkleing, her slender, anorexic bodyie barley contaned in her size 0 dess.

    Ugghghghghghhg I thought The Savior had bad grammar. but somehow this is way worse. It’s actually painful to read, even if it was spelled correctly.

  23. Leider Hosen says:

    her violet eyes flicked towerds the boi agaen.

    but was it-

    Oh shit whaddup! Here he comes!

    Dammit! I was too slow.

  24. Leider Hosen says:

    just as she about to slice, a hot boy burst through the door of the womans bathrum,.

    NO! DON’T RUIN THIS FOR ME! God damnit, Charlie!

    “omg r u ok1”

    “yea, i gess.”

    Obviously not. You’re crying and you were about to commit suicide.

    …Are we going to completely forget the fact she pulled out her razor and a dude literally exploded through the door like Jason Voorhes, they’re having a conversation on the exploded remnants of the door!

  25. Leider Hosen says:

    Suddenly, as punches were fliing on me, i felt a wierd feling i had nevr felt b4.

    “OUW!” screamd Rose as she explodeed in to a pil of blood!

    Where did scarlet learn to Serious Punch?

  26. Leider Hosen says:

    “ur a f@gg inabler! u shud die 2.”

    Wow. WOOOOW.

    I wanted to think this fic was fake, but my shitty (ex) best friend slurred at FishSlayer about her wanting to write a character into her story because of her “shared gender” after making blatantly misogynistic comments against said character and clearly wanting her just killed off.

    In summary, I think “faggot enabler” is just too over-the-top bullshit in it’s narrowness to be fake. Obviously some self-entitled bitch thinks that every boy should be lined up to stick their dick in her and it’s obvious the only reason they don’t appreciate her feminine wiles is because Gay.

    I’m going to stop there to avoid making some extremely unfortunate comments in my anger.

  27. Leider Hosen says:

    “ok scarlet archer, we hav gotin repoerts of homo-fobic remerls and dead treats frum u last nite! u r gona be expeled

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAH!

    unels u du me a favor.”

    Ha…. ha?

    “wut” Scarlet was abot to cry.
    “show me them titties!”

    -Dons a hockey mask and dark blue jumpsuit while revving up a chainsaw and using a claw hand to slice a hole into dreamspace-

    IMMA CUM GIT YA U FUCKINGHGNGNMNGG64$$

    [Technical Difficulties]

  28. Leider Hosen says:

    AUTHERS NOT: OK THE REESON SCARLIT AND CHARLI R A CUPLE IN DA DES IS BC GAYS CANT FAL IN LOVE THY CIN ONLY BE LUSTFULL

    All righteous fury aside, yes, I have talked to someone that transparently ignorant of what sexuality is so yeah, fun.

    • GhostCat says:

      Oh, I bet; it was probably about as “fun” as the conversation I had with someone who thought I was lying about being bisexual because I’m apparently not “slutty” enough for that particular orientation. (It’s like they thought there was specific quota that had to be met or something.)

      • Angie says:

        See Page 398, Paragraph 4, Section 5. *opens book, maniacal screaming floods out of it* It’s about sexuality.

      • Leider Hosen says:

        Okay I gotta share this, since it’s actually funny bad instead of offensive bad (still blocked him after this though because I was tired of his shit). Words don’t really do it justice. This is, unedited, an excerpt of a convo over Discord between a Pansexual and an idiot highschooler who thinks he’s very smart but….

        Leider Hosen – Today at 9:43 PM
        I don’t really know. My faith in people is doing that great at the moment. I don’t want to get into a relationship unless I’m sure I’ll get along with them.

        [Name Redacted] – Today at 9:44 PM
        Gay.
        That sounds really gay.
        Sounds like you’re demisexual.

        Leider Hosen – Today at 9:44 PM
        Wow, first guess.

        [Name Redacted] – Today at 9:44 PM
        I dare you to look that up by the way.
        First guess?

        Leider Hosen – Today at 9:45 PM
        Yeah.
        I am.

        (long dramatic pause of absolute confusion, for literally one minute)

        [Name Redacted] – Today at 9:45 PM
        So you’re conservative?

        Leider Hosen – Today at 9:46 PM
        i’m middle of the road. I don’t like being far conservative or far liberal, but yeah, I think it’s important to not be afraid to really connect to people to get to know them. Nothing sexual about it, I’m just personal.

        [Name Redacted] – Today at 9:47 PM
        I generally figured considering most Christians are. And by conservative, I mean you want to know the person before you fuck them, generally getting married before so to reach the highest emotional level with them.

        Leider Hosen – Today at 9:48 PM
        Oh, I thought you meant political party consearvative lol

        [Name Redacted] – Today at 9:48 PM
        No. You’re dumb.

        I was so, so, SO tempted to tell him I was Pan and watch his brain turn into popcorn, but I held myself back since I was trying to be mature. But yes, it appears that most adolescents have no idea what sexual orientations outside CIS are or how people with them typically act.

        • GhostCat says:

          Oh, it’s not just adolescents- I’m in my mid-thirties and people my age can be just as clueless. I rarely bring up the fact that I’m demi since just being bi is enough to blow some people’s minds. It also often leads to people asking really invasive questions about my sex life that I really don’t want to answer.

      • "Lyle" says:

        “You’re bi? So you like threesomes.”

        My least favorite response.

      • Angie says:

        @Leider Hosen Honestly s a m e.

        I would’ve responded with 90% more sass and 75% no chill.

      • "Lyle" says:

        “But you married a man. You can’t be bi anymore if you married a man.”

        That doesn’t mean I don’t still like jumblies!

        • GhostCat says:

          I mean, Mr. Lyle does have beautiful eyes (and a nice bum) but he is kind of lacking in the jumblies department. But that just means you can go jumbly-watching together now.

      • SC says:

        I’m incredibly lucky that I’m not a person people like to quiz (for whatever reason), because while I’m fairly certain that I’m straight, I’m 100% certain that I willingly chose celibacy, so it really doesn’t matter because I simply don’t have any interest in romance or sex, on the whole, and I just KNOW that there are people whose brains would be incapable of accepting that.

        However, I did, at one point, have a very “tough guy” douchebag classmate one time make a presumptuous claim that I subscribed to the Presbyterian Church, when, at that point in time, I was practicing Catholic. And he refused to hear it when I corrected him no less than five times in a row. It was probably the closest I’ve ever come to kicking an asshole in the nuts to see him cry.

        (Nowadays, I’m “I’ll-worship-however-I-see-fit-ist,” so I don’t really bother with religion beyond reading up on other beliefs for the fun of it.)

        • GhostCat says:

          No one really seemed to care until I was around twenty-five or so, and then it seemed like every single conversation revolved around who I was dating, if I was married, how many kids I wanted, etc. ad nauseum. The fact that I wasn’t frantically seeking a life partner to spawn with (something I still have zero interest in) was a foreign concept to many people.

      • agigabyte says:

        I haven’t gotten any “asexuals don’t exist and/or are mentally ill” people yet, but I’m doubtful my luck will hold out.

      • Angie says:

        I am also lacking in jumblies, but I mean. *gestures widely at self* I’m not exactly very manly either.

    • agigabyte says:

      I’m guessing they also thought that Sexuality and Romanticism are one and the same?

      • Angie says:

        Clearly.

      • Leider Hosen says:

        Ughh you have no idea how much his “that sounds gay!” remark struck a cord with me for exactly that reason (in the thread I posted).

        Yes, I find gratification in being very personal with people and knowing a lot about them. Yes, that thing that tells you you’re supposed to look at people for their gender and sex doesn’t work properly, I treat people the same regardless of what they are and find more interest in their individual experiences and emotions.

        And yes, those two things in combination lead to me using very romantic language and overtones towards other men, because I empathize very deeply with people.

        But honestly, those feelings still make me very uncomfortable. I’m still trying to come to terms with my sex preference and the fact I don’t really discriminate on who I give my romantic feelings to. I also don’t really know if getting romantically attached to men is equal to me wanting to outright have sex with them. It’s a very serious thing to think on.

        So, him cutting me off in the middle of saying I’m not sure if I can jump right into another long-term friendship to say I sounded gay and try to evoke my main orientation as the punchline to a joke with “I dur u 2 luk that up lolololol”… let’s just say that it took a lot of self-control to keep the gloves on and bow out gracefully.

      • Leider Hosen says:

        Thanks. That means a lot to me since I’m temperamental as hell and lately it’s been really hard to reign it in.

        Being very emotionally charged is something that’s a part of me, there’s no “fixing” it, nor do I want to be fixed or corrected on it, but at the same time in cases like this I want to be the better person and be the one who’s patient and accepting, even if the other person doesn’t necessarily deserve it.

        Of course that gets me into trouble when it makes me feel like I have to prop up and support toxic people, or that it’s my job to empathize with and help them work through their problems personally, but dammit if I don’t want to at least try.

    • BatJamags says:

      In summary: God damn are there a lot of idiots in the world.

  29. TacoMagic says:

    chaptar oine
    Scarlet Jonas Bieber Raven Archer new she had saw the 1.

    I guess that means I’ll be breaking this bottle of wine open early today.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s