1657: My Inner Life: Chapter 24 Part 2

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert:  This is it.  After this, this godforsaken story is finally, FINALLY, over.

Nora:  *Cracks knuckles*  Bring it on

After we arrived home, we stabled the horses, I put our son to bed then joined Link the tub room. When I got there, he had the tub already filled with hot water and (28)laxiousflower.

Ert:  Two seconds in and we’re already getting hit over the head with this crud.  Ok, what’s it this time?

(29) Laxiousflowers are small purple flowers with herbal powers. These small flowers are only found in the forest and are mainly dried then crushed into a power to use in healing potions or into a liquid for use in herbal tub bathes. When the vapors are breathed in, the medicine of the flower helps to relieve pain and relax tense sore muscles. It is also said that the scent of these flowers occasionally causes seductiveness’, causing one to become easily aroused. Sometimes the vapors from these flowers are used to help a couple relax during intercourse, thus helping the couple experience longer intense periods of lovemaking. aphrodisiac

Ert:  Oh for fuck’s sake.

Nora:  An aphrodisiac huh?  So, we really are heading back to this stories roots.  I can’t wait for there to be laughably bad science on top of all the sex.  Are they trying to make their kid strong again by constantly having sex?  Are we still on that train of batshit insane logic?

Goeth:  Who in the world uses a potential aphrodisiac in a healing potions?  I know we tend to let a lot slide in the “side effects may include” category, but this is seriously pushing it.

Taking my hand in his, he removed my robe and gently lifted me into the tub. Then I felt his broad hands against my shoulders as he begun to firmly massage them. As his gentle hands worked my sore tired muscles, and the soothing vapors of the laxiousflower penetrated my nose, I began to feel relaxed, my body loosened up, and Link’s soft and gentle words begun to run threw my mind.

Ert:  You think that after all this time, LQ would’ve been able to figure out what the difference between through and threw is.  I mean, this mistake keeps popping up.  Over and over again.

Goeth:  It’s like it’s some form of auto-correct designed to put the wrong word in.

I felt my eyes slowly close as the good feeling of being pampered caused me to drift into a state of pure bliss.
I just sat there while Link massaged me then bathed my body, removing the dust and dirt I picked up while caring for our house. But as my pregnancy progressed, chores were getting harder and more tiring to do.

Nora:  I’d like to call that section “LQ remembers that pregnancy has consequences.  But only kinda of.”

Ert:  Yeah, it rings kind of hollow that apparently chores are getting harder, but she was able to set two dragons on fire without any major problems.

So I decided that rather then take heat from Link from taking on overbearing responsibilities, I’d let him handle most of the housework like he did before during my first pregnancy, until after I gave birth. So I mentally decided that from that day forward until I had our second child, I would take it easy and relax.

Ert:  Good for you.  This is something that should’ve been common sense from the very second you got pregnant, but apparently we’re only just now bringing it up because LQ thinks we need this spelt out for us.

Goeth:  In reality, she was the only one who needed clarification.

After Link finished bathing me, he helped me out of the tub and handed me my light blue halter gown. I took it gently from him and slid it down over my body. The dress was snug and semi tight fitting, so it left nothing to the imagination and was one of Link’s favorite things to have me wear even though my belly stuck out.

Ert:  Not having ever been pregnant, I have limited perspective on the matter, but I was under the impression that pregnant women prefer much looser clothing, mainly for the sake of comfort.

Nora:  I just have a hard time seeing how she’s getting into a “snug and semi tight fitting” dress while seven months pregnant with nothing getting ripped.

After his eyes looked me over with a lingering desire,

Ert:  Ayup, I think it’s safe to say that this Link has a pregnancy kink.  It’s a thing, and I’m not trying to kink shame, but when you write a work that has kinks in it, it’s considered good form to put a heads up in the story description.  So people who aren’t fans of it can move on, and people who review it can mentally prepare themselves.  That and it helps people who are actually looking for the kinks too.

he decided to push aside the feelings for now and took me by the hand and led me down stairs. We gathered the fairies and decided that since night air was brisk and cool, we should enjoy the rest of the evening out on the porch swing.

Nora:  A swing?  While seven months pregnant?  Eh…I wouldn’t.  I mean I REALLY wouldn’t.

Goeth:  It just occurred to me that we have been getting little to no pregnancy symptoms.

Ert:  And while I’m glad that we’re not dealing with stereotypical mood swings, morning sickness, and cravings, this goes a little too far in the other direction.  Like pregnancy is just getting a bigger stomach for nine months, followed by five minutes of pain.

We went outside and sat down on the swing. I cuddled into Link’s arms, as he pushed the swing and caused it to move in a gentle rocking motion. Then I felt Link’s muscular arms slink around me, pulling me into his gentle embrace. I just rested my head against his chest and listened to the soft chirping sounds of the crickets for a few moments until Navi decided to stir up a conversation about the upcoming Fall Harvest. We just sat there and talked in meaningless dribble about who was going to set up the decorations, or who just who might be the next lucky girl to win the dance contest,

Nora:  Ok, see this right here?  In the hands of a more talented writer this scene would’ve been rather touching.  A moment of quiet relaxation and comfort that takes place right after a great threat has been revealed.

Ert:  The problem here is that this isn’t a talented author, there’s not a lot of emotional connection between the two, and this new threat feels very overblown.  We saw two dragons with riders that Jenna was able to beat without too much trouble, so I’m not really seeing how this is such a major threat.

when I felt a sudden chill run up my spine and the feeling of being watched rushed over me again. Since our home was located inside a secluded spot in the Lost Woods, I knew that this time something was definitely wrong.

Goeth:  It seems that her plot senses are tingling.

I looked up into Link’s eyes and whispered softy to him. “Link my love, I cannot help but feel as if we are being watched again.” “I know that this seems crazy, but this time I know that I’m not just worried, there really is something out the there watching us.” I lowered my head and nestled closer to him, seeking the protection of his strong arms. “Whatever it is, it’s causing me to shiver with a cold fear.”

Ert:  Jenna, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times.  You are not the freaking narrator.  Do not describe your life like that.  Either put that in the narration, or use more natural sounding dialogue when you’re talking.

Nora:  And even if it was in the narration it’d still come off as rather stilted.

I said in a shuddering voice. Link lowered his head down so that his lips were brushing my cheek, his warm breath tickled my skin. He took my hand in his and brushed his lips crossed my cheek. “Don’t worry my love.” “I built this house inside a secluded spot, it would be too hard for anyone to find us without knowing the way.”

Goeth:  He does have a point.  It is in the middle of the Lost Woods.  Unfortunately, I’m going off of the canon description of the forest, where it was a cursed place where you were transformed into a monster if you didn’t find your way out in time.  As such, I feel like this isn’t the same Lost Woods.  Either that or these two are overdue to be transformed into Stalfos.

Link took his hand and gently lifted my head up until our eyes locked.
“Jenna my dear wife, I have never been the one to ever doubt you, I have always entrusted in your instincts.”

Ert:  Except you don’t, because the first time she brought this up, you were somewhat dismissive of it.

Nora:  SHHHHHHHHHH.

“Even though I find it hard to believe that….” Just then Navi cut in. “Shhhhh…..do you hear that.” Navi said in a whisper, her blue aura flicking wildly. Gently Link lowered my head and cocked his long sensitive ear towards the sky, sitting in a dead silence while he quietly listened for any strange sounds. I too focused my hearing on the dead silence of the night, waiting for any strange noises. After a few minutes went by with nothing being heard except for the soft chirping of the crickets and the sound of each other breathing, Link lowered his head, then looked back at Navi. “Navi I hear nothing,” “What is it you heard?”

Ert:  Allow my dialogue to take on the form of being even more stilted.

Nora:  And why is Link moving Jenna’s head?

Goeth:  And why is he saying that he heard nothing when he can clearly hear two things?  Unimportant things, true, but that’s two more things than nothing.

Link questioned slightly annoyed. “It sounded like an low eerie grunting noise and I also felt as if we were being watched.” Navi said then silenced everyone again. “There it is again.”

Ert:  You know, I think they’re being watched.  I know, it’s hard to tell, it was only said THREE FUCKING TIMES, but I think there’s a very subtle implication of foul play here.

She said as she cautiously floated over towards a small clump of bushes. A light blue trail of fairy dust trailed behind her as she moved closer to the bush, each move she made taking in heed.

Nora:  Each move she made taking in heed…what?

Goeth:  Don’t look at me, I studied biology, not how to speak stupid.

Then she paused for a moment just a few feet from the bush, as if she was examining it. We watched in dead silence as she just floated there, her aura flickering wildly.

Nora:  This is the story equivalent of a jump scare.  Something that you can see coming from a mile away, yet is supposed to get some kind of reaction out of us.  Not because it was suspenseful or atmosphere, but because something was thrown in our faces and made us jump.

Then suddenly her aura changed onto a bright red as she shakily started floating backwards. Link and I dropped off the swing and slowly made our war to the end of the porch. “Navi what’s wrong?” Link called out to her worriedly. “Link…Jenna, I suggest that we all get the hell out of here!”

Ert:  And I suggest you talk like a regular fucking person.

Navi cried out as she turned around and started flying in a fast pace towards the house. Just then a loud shrill cry filled the air as a massive bat like creature shot out from behind the thicket and into the air. The beast’s eerie red eyes were focusing down on us. “OH MY GODDESSES…. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???!!!!”

Goeth:  Wait a minute?  SNUFFLES!  Damn it, I thought I had him leashed up.  And I had him on loan from Crunchy, oh boy am I going to get an earful about this.

I cried as I backed into Link, thrusting my shuddering body against his. “Oh Goddesses, I don’t know love, but everyone get into the house NOW!” Link shrieked as he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me towards the house. The sound of massive beating wings stirred the wind behind us as Link urgently pushed everyone inside the house, then bolted the door behind himself just before the beast managed to grab him.

Ert:  Uh, guys?  Hero of Time?  Super special awesome lady with a bunch of different titles that I can’t be bothered to remember?  Maybe try to fight the thing that’s attacking you?  I mean you’ve gone up against worse.

Nora:  The hell is going on?

We watched in horror as the massive black bat like beast tried to rip and claw at the windows, its long white fangs caked with thick saliva as they glistened against the dim moonlight.

Goeth:  I’m noticing the use of the word “try” there.  What, is it failing?

I just cried against Link’s chest while he held me close to him. “What are we going to do?” I said in between chokes of tears, my body shuddering with a cold fear. Just before Link could answer, my head snapped towards the winding staircase. “Oh My Goddesses, Link….our son is all alone up there!” “We have to get him, we have to!” I screeched as I pulled myself out of Link’s strong arms.

Ert:  I feel like this is a situation that could’ve been easily avoided if you, ya know, killed this thing.

Nora:  Something can’t be a threat if it’s dead.

Before he could stop me, I broke free and dashed into a dead run up the staircase towards the bedchambers. When I reached the top, I dashed into the bedchamber on my left, knocking the door aside as I flung past. Gasping and out of breath, I hobbled quickly over to the crib where our son was lying and reached my arms over the side to grab him when a loud death shrill echoed threw the room, rattling the windows relentlessly.

Nora:  Right, I forgot about how implausible this house was.  Link was able to somehow get a two story house built out in the middle of nowhere.  Possibly with contractors that never found their way out of the forest.

Goeth:  Wouldn’t Link have been faster?  Or at the very least, shouldn’t be be outside shooting a few arrows at Snuffles?

Quickly I grabbed our son, hugged him close to my body and turned to run out when suddenly a large dark figure with massive weight crashed threw the window and landed on its hind legs, its massive leathery black wings beating with fury.

Ert:  Wait, it crashed through the window?  Either you have a stupidly large window or this thing isn’t very big.  Either way, someone screwed up somewhere.

Then the beast curled back its twisted lips, revealing long sharp white fangs dripping with thick salvia while its chilling deep blood red eyes looked me over with such evil that it sent cold shivers up my spine. I hugged our crying son closer to my body as I slowly begun to back up, the beasts’ hollow-less red eyes watching my every move with bloodlust intentions flickering inside them. Slowly the massive bat like creature started matching my every move; its vicious snarls and grunts caused every muscle in my body to tremble in fear.

Goeth:  Snuffles!  Crunchy trained you better than this.  When you see the prey you pounce.  You don’t hesitate, that’s how your prey kept getting hijacked when he found you in the wild.  Of course, you were just a bat then.  Genetic manipulation, it’s a fine art.

Nora:  Seriously, this thing was willing to burst through a window and probably cut itself to oblivion to get inside.  Why is it taking its time now?

It was at that point I knew the evil creature was trying to trap me inside the room,

Ert:  And it’s somehow doing that, even though it hasn’t positioned itself between you and the exit.

the intentions clear upon its twisted face, but I knew if my son, my unborn child and I was going to survive, I had to escape at all costs.

Nora:  You sure?  I feel like you could survive if you didn’t escape.

I slowly continued to back up, watching the creature as it mimicked me, its fangs glistening against the dim light in the room as the saliva begun to drip faster and thicker from them, causing puddles of thick oozy slime to form on the floor, but I waited for the right moment, the right moment to make my escape. Then a strange noise begun to rumble inside the beast’s body as its mouth begun to open wider causing a dank smell of dead flesh and rotting food to emit from it.

Goeth:  Either Snuffles is letting off a particularly strong stench, which I find unlikely because I’ve been feeding him right, or he’s right on top of her and still haven’t made his move.  And here I thought we were making progress with him.  All right Snuffles, you need to go back to the old training regiment.  I’ll get the newspapers spread out in your pen.

With that the beast bucked its head back and let out an ear-piercing shrill cry that caused me to clench at my ears in pain, causing my eardrums to feel like they were going to explode inside my head. The minutes the beast spent locked in that death cry seemed to tick to an eternity,

Ert:  Minutes?  It’s staring up at the ceiling and screaming for minutes?  And Jenna didn’t just slip away while it was badly performing Klingon opera?

Goeth:  Your dog barks every time someone opens a door, Snuffles gets really excited when he sees a prey trying to escape.  He thinks it means chase time is coming.  We’re trying to ween him off it.

when suddenly all went silent and the next thing I knew the beast had gone air born and begun to dip into a death dive towards me. With a shriek and eyes wide with fear, I decided to make my escape. Swiftly I dashed towards the door, thrusting it aside as I darted past.

Nora:  It’s going airborne.  Inside.  Either Link made this house unnecessarily big or LQ didn’t think this action scene through, and I think we know which one happened here.

I clenched my son tight against my shaking body as I went into a mad dash down the winding staircase; the sound of massive beating wings rang loudly behind me.

Ert:  Because this thing is big enough to be threatening, but can still fit through a doorframe with ease.

Reaching the bottom, I grabbed a hold of Link and begun to pull him with me. “Oh My Goddesses Link, we have got to get the hell out of here, that flying beast attacked me upstairs and is now coming this way!”

Nora:  And for some reason, despite the thing screaming for several minutes, Link apparently just stood there with his dick in his hands.  As opposed to helping his very pregnant wife.  Jenna, why did you fall in love with this guy again?  Oh right, because he was a good lay.

Ert:  When you underdevleop characters and romance, actions you think are unimportant end up coloring their personalities for us.  This is why we think half of the people in this story are assholes.  Because they are.

I said fervently in-between gasps of breath my hands trembling vigorously. His blue eyes suddenly changed into a deep shade of gray, causing them to widen with a paralyzing fear.

Goeth:  We should’ve put in a counter for Mood Ring Eyes.

Ert:  We really should have.

“Oh My…..Lilly, Navi, Aria we must leave NOW!” Link cried as he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into a dead run along with him. Using his shoulder Link bashed threw the front door causing the wood to shatter into splinters just as the loud crashing sound of the metal staircase buckling and twisting under massive weight rang loudly behind us.

Nora:  Buckling and twisting?  Look, is this thing flying inside the house or not?  Make up your mind.

Ert:  And are they not even trying to fight it?  I get that Jenna is pregnant (not that it stopped her before) but why isn’t Link even trying?  Wouldn’t that be the smart thing to do anyway?  Provide cover for Jenna to escape and keep this thing from following her?  I know I complain about damsels in distress, but I’d make an exception for when the damsel is in the third trimester!

Just before Link and I rounded the corner, I saw the massive black bat creature landing heavily in our now mangled living room, its mouth gapped wide as its death cry begun to fill the night with a cold fear.

Nora:  Wait, it’s death cry?  It’s dying?

Goeth:  SNUFFLES!  NO!  HANG ON SNUFFLES!  SAY YES TO LIFE!

Link and I made our way threw

Ert:  Ok seriously, I checked.  She uses this word incorrectly thirteen times in this rift.  Did LQ honestly think that that was how you spelt through?

the darkness and into the stables where our horses were dancing around in fear,

Nora:  *Snort*  They were so terrified that they were doing the can-can.

their eyes rolling back as their frightened whinnies filled the surrounding area. We proceeded to free the horses, allowing all but two to run out the barn and into the deep thicket of the forest.

Ert:  Three days until something in there eats them.

Goeth:  One.  Moblins show up in there.

Quickly Link saddled Midnight Star and Epona, then threw our saddlebags across them. “Jenna quickly, saddle our son then mount, we must leave quickly!” Link said with urgency as he rallied our fairies then mounted his stallion. “We must hurry and ride to the castle to take sanctuary!”

Goeth:  We must leave, we must hurry to the castle, yeesh, you’d think they were in a hurry or something.

With hast, I quickly secured our crying son into his small saddle then mounted Epona. With one last glance at each other, Link and I booted our horses in the legs,

Nora:  And fed up with your abuse, they bucked you off and escaped into the night.

causing them to whiney and take off out of the barn and into the cold night at a dead run. We raced around the winding trails, made our way out the tunnel that led to the Lost Woods and out onto the peaceful rolling hills of Hyrule Field.

Ert:  These are the same “peaceful” hills that everyone was panicking about being set on fire, right?

Nora:  LQ honestly probably forgot all about that already.

I lowered my head down against Epona’s white mane as it whipped wildly in the wind, the hollowing noises of the wind rushing past us caused the silence of the night to be filled with chaos.

Goeth:  It’s windy = the night is filled with chaos.

Ert:  See, it’s not a bad idea to try and be descriptive, but don’t be pretentious with your descriptions, and for fuck’s sake, have them make sense.

Slowly the castle started to come into view just as the loud shrill cry of the bat beast rang threw the forest, followed by the sound of massive leathery wings beating in the air. Slowly I turned my head only to be faced with the sight of the massive evil creature swiftly emerging from the forest and into the air as it took pursuit after us.

Goeth:  Snuffles!  That’s it, get over here boy!  I’m very ashamed of you,

With a shudder, I lowered my body closer to Epona’s body and urged her on into a faster pace, causing her to catch up with Link’s horse and the trailing dust that glittered behind our frightened fairies. We pushed on, the vision of the castle came closer into view, and the silhouette soon gave way to the sight of the shimmering stone that formed the castle’s walls.

Ert:  Ok, I know I’ve been yapping on about the travel times in this story, but it gets more and more ridiculous every time I come back to it.  Before, getting from the forest to the castle in a day was stupid, but it at least implied that it took SOME time to get from point A to point B.  But this?  It sounds like they crossed that distance in five seconds.

Goeth:  They better have, if Snuffles has been chasing them for hours then he’s out of shape.

“Link…we must hurry….the beast is in pursuit!” I shrieked over the cascading noises racing threw the night, my hands twitching nervously on the reins. “Don’t worry love we’re almost there, just hang on a little longer!” Link called back, his voice being warped over the loud howling noises. “We won’t make it if that damned beast catches up with us!” I returned angrily as I looked back to see a large black shape with death red eyes thrusting its massive wings against the wind as it begin to dip into a death dive. “OH MY GODDESSES……LINK ITS CLOSING IN ON US……I screeched…..LINK….OH BY FARORE….WE MUST HURRY!”

Ert:  I’M CONFUSED, DO YOU NEED TO FUCKING HURRY OR SOMETHING!?  ALSO ALL CAPS MAKE THINGS MORE DRAMATIC RIGHT!?  OH MY APOLOGIZES, I FORGOT!  I NEED TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS BUT STUTTER AT THE SAME TIME!  IT…SHOULD BE…LIKE THIS…RIGHT!?”

Nora:  Said that she thought that the Triforce was a fairy tale at the very beginning of the story, but also takes the name of Farore in vain.  When Farore was one of the three goddesses that created the Triforce.  And I don’t think Jenna went through some sort of religious awakening in this story.

Suddenly the wooden bridge came into view as it lay across the small mote surrounding the shimmering walls that surrounded the Market. “Quickly Jenna…we must cross the bridge before it closes for the night!”

Ert:  Oh, Link and Jenna reach the drawbridge right before it goes up.  AGAIN!

Goeth:  Hm, the Hero of Time and his wife seem to be running towards us while being chased by a product of the world’s finest minds.  Well that’s hardly a reason to delay our drawbridge timetable.

Nora:  And no archers on the battlements, even though the whole kingdom is on alert.

Link cried out over the howling wind. Booting Epona in the legs, she bolted forward, as she raced across the wooden bridge causing a loud shuddering sound of hooves clicking wildly on it. Swiftly Link and I raced threw the Market and up the winding dirt path that led to Hyrule Castle as the loud shrieking cries of the beast rained loudly in the distance.

Ert:  Ok, either (man I take that approach a lot don’t I) Snuffles can’t get over the castle walls, in which case this is stupid, or Link and Jenna are running through the marketplace with him right behind him.  You fucking assholes.

We raced past the first gate, which amazingly, was left open and up to the second gates, where two guards were resting lazily on their spears.

Nora:  Isn’t the kingdom supposed to be expected an invasion from dragons any day now?  How the are there guards that are just slacking off?

Goeth:  Snuffles…why are you associating with these people?

Quickly Link and I pulled our horses to a skidding halt and dismounted, waking the guards suddenly causing them to jump shakily.

Ert:  THEY WERE FUCKING ASLEEP?!  YOU TWO ARE FUCKING FIRED!  OUT OF A CANNON!

Then the guards looked at us skeptically. “What business do you have here Link at this time of night?” One of the guards asked questioningly. “This is not the time to ask questions, hurry we must see Princess Zelda NOW….its of great urgency!”

Ert:  Uh, ok.  There’s a horrific monster right behind us, let’s lead it directly to Zelda.  Your logic is impeccable Link.

Nora:  Also, have fun dealing with this thing, horrifically under equipped guards.

Link snapped as the shrill cry of the bat creature shattered the silence of the night, its twisted black image came into view as it flew in front of the full moon, causing the guards to jump in fear. “Oh By the GODDESSES….what the hell is that?!” One of the guards cried out as he pointed skyward. “That’s what we came here about….now we must hurry and take sanctuary inside….open those damned gates NOW! I snapped as I grabbed one of the guard’s spears and thrust it at him.

Ert:  The Hero of Time just murdered a guard.  A lazy guard who wasn’t doing his job properly, but it’s still murder all the same.

Goeth:  Oh great, now Snuffles will just eat the body and not learn how to hunt properly.  Thanks Link!  Crunchy and I were trying to raise something that wasn’t an entitled brat!

Without any questions, the guards hastily opened the gates, allowing us to pass. I unfastened our son from his small saddle, then hastily followed Link and the guards into the sanctuary of the castle.

Ert:  And then the monster didn’t appear for the rest of the story.  Yeah.  I bet you thought there would be tension as they fought it off from the inside of the castle.  But nope.  They went inside the castle, it got bored, and it flew off.

Goeth:  That’s right, you get back here young man!  No desert for you tonight!

Upon entering the castle, Link grabbed one of the serving girls that was passing by and told her to go and wake Princess Zelda. A skeptical look crossed her face, but without haste, she walked quickly in the direction towards Zelda’s bedchambers. We were then directed to the throne room. A few minutes later, Zelda joined us along with her father in the throne room, tired and annoyed looks upon their faces.

Nora:  They just asked for Zelda, why is the king here?  What?  Were we in dire need of this guy’s advice?

Zelda swiftly approached us, her blue eyes glowing with irritation. “Link, Jenna, what is of such great importance for you both to come to the castle at this hour of the night?”

Ert:  Because “what’s wrong” would’ve taken too long to say.

Goeth:  Don’t say in fifty words what you can say in one.

Zelda questioned as she crossed her arms across her chest. “Princess, my dear friend, Link and I came her with terrible news, the news of a terrible creature that has entered Hyrule.”

Nora:  How do you know that it’s from outside Hyrule?  Have you seen some of the shit that lives in this place?

Nora:  Plenty of horrific things have come out of this country, what makes this thing so special that you know that it had to come from somewhere else?

I said shakily as I walked closer to Zelda, my brown eyes locking with hers. “What…creature….speak up my friend, what has happened.” Zelda returned, her ivory white hand resting upon my shoulder. “Princess what my wife is trying to say is that a terrible evil creature has attacked us in our home, causing us to flee from our house to take sanctuary here.” Link added as Zelda’s blue eyes begun to fill with a mixture of shock and fear.

Ert:  And I couldn’t fight it because my spine fell out of my body when I was screaming and running.

Nora:  By the way, I murdered one of your guards and I’m fairly certain the beast ate the other one.

“I cannot quite explain it myself, but I can say that the creature was of some gigantic black like bat creature with evil red eyes and vicious fangs.” “And from the way it attacked me, I say it’s soul propose was to attack and kill me,

Ert:  Jesus fucking Christ shut up.

Goeth:  Snuffles, I told you, you need to have a good reason to be focused on one target.  If you keep focusing on a Mary Sue, the universe will just keep rewriting itself and you’ll never get anywhere.

but for what reason I still don’t understand.” I said shakily as I went into Link’s arms in search of comfort. I just watched as Zelda and her father’s eyes widened, the fear apparent in their eyes. Just then our son started to cry loudly, his little pointed ears twitched uncontrollably as he squirmed in my cold arms. I took the blanket I had stuffed in the small leather bag I had carried in and wrapped him in it. “Shhhh my son, quiet down little one.” I cooed softly as I gently shook him in my arms. Then Aria flew down and floated softly around his head, the light blue glittery dust caused him to stop crying momentarily as he raised his hands up to grasp it. At that point I took the momentarily interruption of his crying to move off to one corner of the room.

Nora:  Uh, ok.  I guess we’re giving attention to this now.  Snuffles really should be outside, looking for a window to bash his way through, but nope.  No responding to him, no trying to figure out where he’s gone, if he even left, or who his master was.  Just comfort the kid, because that’s top priority right now.

“I think he needs to be fed, he’s hungry, cold and tired.” I said as I walked over to one of the velvety chairs in the corner, sat down and proceeded to feed him. I just sat there feeding little Link, while Link had a fevered discussion with Zelda and the king about the new threat of the dangerous dark bat creature roaming Hyrule.

Ert:  And we’re not going to get to see that conversation, because Jenna breastfeeding Link Jr. (who for some odd reason hasn’t received a namedrop in this rift) is clearly what deserved more of our time.

As I listened to Link describe the creature to Zelda, haunting memories of the degusting creature filled into my mind. The thought of those evil red eyes and dank breath sent paralyzing shivers up my spine, causing my body to shake with a cold fear. I looked down at our son suckling on my nipple and started to cry silently.

Goeth:  Ok Jenna, homeworld assignment.  In no less than 1,600 words, describe the ways in which Snuffles was a more dangerous foe than those two dragon riders that you fought.

Small crystal white tears begun to slowly stream down my face as the dread thoughts of what that evil creature might have done to our son should it have gotten a hold of him. And a mixture of fears raced threw my mind on what reasons the creature would’ve wanted with our son or me caused the feelings of trepidation to rage threw my body, threw my every vein. Then my head snapped and the cold fear raged up my spine again as the realization that I was still pregnant caused the color to drain from my eyes.

Ert:  “The realization that I was still pregnant.”  Good.  Fucking.  God.  This woman could not be anymore fucking sense.

Nora:  Goeth, what WOULD Snuffles do if he got to the baby?

Goeth:  Ever watch Watership Down?  Picture the scene with the dog.

I begun to shudder at the thought that if the creature had gotten a hold of me, our unborn son……
I clutched my son tighter as I slowly lowered my right hand to my belly, my fingers gently probing the wrinkles in the fabric of my gown. “Oh my Goddesses, was that creature really after me or was he really after our unborn child.”

Ert:  Well I certainly hope it was after you, because if not Snuffles has apparently taken a couple of blows to the head.  “Hm, there’s this raging Mary Sue who set two dragons on fire, but I feel like her seven month old fetus is something that deserves my attention more.”

Goeth:  Snuffles, we need to talk.

I thought to myself as the thoughts of the creature caused my body to feel like going numb. “What in all of Hyrule would it have wanted with our children,” then suddenly my body felt colder, the shock of what came to mind caused me to feel paralyzed, “Oh Goddesses……NO…. that cannot be what it wants them for…or is it?”

Ert:  I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!  You’re basically making shit up as you go.  For all I know, this could be the result of paranoid delusions that are a side effect of you having a near death experience.  Something that, like half the stuff in this story, could’ve been done well in the hands of a competent author, but here just comes off as annoying and pointless.

Suddenly I heard a gentle voice probe my mind. “Are you ok love?” The voice called.

Nora:  I’m crying after we nearly got eaten.  Yes, I’m peachy.

I looked up and saw that Link was staring at me, his dark blue eyes filled with worry. “Link my love, I think we need to talk…alone.” I returned weakly back to him in his mind. Link looked at me with a slight growing fear in his eyes, the color slowly draining from them causing them to turn a shade of gray. “What is wrong love, what has you all worked up?”

Nora:  *Looks out the window*  Give ya three guesses.

Link asked me again telepathically.  My eyes faltered. “Link….I just need to talk to you…alone.” I returned. “Ok Jenna my love, its ok…we’ll talk alone.” Breaking the connection, Link was able to temporarily pull himself away from Zelda and her father to speak with me alone. He came over and sat down on the velvety chair beside me, taking his strong warm arms and embracing my shaking body gently in them. I gently moved our son to the other breast so he could finish feeding, the looked up at Link, my eyes locking with his.

Ert:  So why can’t we tell Zelda this again?

Nora:  OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAWD LINK, I LIKE TOTALLY KNOW WHAT I’M DOING, SOOOOOOOOO BE QUIET!

I just sat there a moment at looked at him, unable to speak, then Link’s eyes penetrated deep into mine as he finally broke the silence. “Jenna what’s wrong, you do not look well.” Link said with concern, his hands stroking my shoulders. “Link…its just…that creature, I believe I know why it attacked me, and its those very reasons that scares the shit out of me.” I said shakily as small tears begun to well up in my eyes.

Goeth:  The dialogue in this story is very awkward.

Ert:  No kidding.  LQ keeps trying to crowbar in more flowery dialogue, with people saying “we must” instead of “we need to.”  And then Jenna cusses like this and you just realize that LQ can’t set a tone to save her life.

“What…what reasons, Jenna tell me what’s troubling you.” Link pleaded as his grip on my shoulders tightened. Then my eyes lowered. “Link…I believe I know what the creature was after….I feel that it was after our children…our son and our unborn child.”

Nora:  I have no proof of this whatsoever, in fact this thing could’ve just been going after anything it could eat, but I’m going with this because it allows me to be angsty.

I returned nearly on the verge of tears. Suddenly Link’s face went a shade of white, the color completely draining from his eyes. “What……are you serious Jenna…are you sure?” My eyes locked with his again. “Link, why do you think it came after me when I went to get our son?” “When we first ran into the house, it was shrieking and clawing at the windows downstairs, but don’t you find it a bit odd that it suddenly flew up and threw the window upstairs right after I ran up there?”

Ert:  Well maybe it was following you specifically.

Nora:  NO IT WAS GOING AFTER OUR SON AND UNBORN CHILD, THERE’S NO OTHER EXPLANATION!

Suddenly Link’s eyes lowered towards our son. “By the Goddesses you don’t suppose…?” “No he cannot be what it was after!” Link spurted suddenly, shaky and raspy. I took my free hand and rested it gently on Link’s “Love, yes I believe that it was our son and unborn child the creature was after.” I fear that Ariakas is behind that attack, he sent that evil creature to carry out his revenge against us for helping Dalamar and for I killing those two Draconians.”

Ert:  Airakas is kind of a let down in that regard.  He has an army of dragon riders, which are much bigger than Snuffles, and can breath fire, and he settles for this?

Goeth:  And Link and Jenna ran screaming like children anyway.  So letdowns invite more letdowns.

Just then little Link stopped suckling, looked up at his father, giggled and smiled. His little blue eyes seemed to sparkle as he locked eyes with Link’s. I watched as Link smiled, took him from my arms and cradled him in his own. With a teary smile, I inched over closer to Link and rested my head on his shoulder. Our son just giggled happily as his father teased and tickled him, causing tears to fall in steady streams down my face as I watched them. Then I felt something move in my stomach. Lowering my hand, I placed in upon my belly and felt the sudden thrusts from within. Our unborn child was kicking, and suddenly my head snapped. It was at that point I came back to the realization that it was that tiny life and the life of our son that was in danger.

Ert:  Good fucking God woman, you forget about things in three fucking seconds!  That’s Jenna.  Gives a great bit monologue about how the evil thing wants to kill her children, then drifts off and has to remind herself of the poorly supported conclusion that she came to.

Nora:  Also, what we’ve said a thousand times.  Could’ve been touching in the hands of a gifted author.

Goeth:  As it stands, this is just annoying and distracting.  It makes Jenna seem like she’s incapable of remembering anything for more than two seconds as well.

My face suddenly faltered as I looked back up at Link and directly into his eyes. “Link, I’m afraid.” “I’m afraid that Ariakas will continue his attacks on our children until he kills them…..” I stammered as I started to cry uncontrollably. “I fear that Ariakas will stop at nothing until he extracts out his revenge on us.”

Ert:  Why would he want revenge on you?  How would he even know what you’ve done?  Yeah you killed some of his men, but how the heck was he supposed to know that?  There weren’t exactly any witnesses.

Goeth:  Maybe Ariakas has a PCC scrying ball on speed dial.

I felt Link’s warn palm on my cheek as he kissed me gingerly. Then he handed our son back to me as he gently embraced me again. Slowly he rocked me in his arms while I cried, all the fears inside caused my stomach to clench up. “Shhhh Jenna its alright, I swear by my own life that I will not let anything befall you or our children.”

Nora:  Might want to step up in that regard buddy.  You did diddly dick while Snuffles was trying to see if it could fit your son in his mouth.

Goeth:  *Pulls out measuring tape*  He could.

Then Link put his hand underneath my chin and lifted my head up until our eyes met. “But I agree with you darling, I fear as well that Ariakas will stop at nothing to carry our his revenge against us.” “So I believe that it is time for us to locate this Shadow Realm and take out Ariakas from within.”

Ert:  I shall *Dramatic gasp* be productive!

Suddenly my eyes went ghostly white. “You cannot be serious!” I screeched. “You cannot actually believe that we can enter that cursed place and hope to come out ALIVE!” I reached over and clasped both hands on Link’s shoulders. “If we go there Ariakas will kill us for sure, and besides we don’t know what kind of evil creatures live in that place!” “We will be walking right into his hands!” I cried as I shook Link profusely.
Link looked up at me and smiled. “That’s why love,” His eyes seemed to glow with some kind of certainty. “He will not know we’re there.”

Nora:  That sounds intense, dramatic and suspenseful.  Too bad (hah, not really) nothing ever came out of it because this is the last of what LQ wrote.  Never updated the story again after this.  So thankfully it’s done…and sadly, so are we.

Ert:  Like I said before, this was gonna be the last fic I reviewed for awhile.  Life has been stressful, I’m not as passionate about this as I used to be, and I just need to stop.  So…thank you for everything.

Cornelia:  It’s been a real pleasure.

Nora:  And he never regretted a second of it.

Goeth:  He may not be as enthusiastic as he used to be, but maybe one day that will change.

Woods:  He hopes we don’t disappoint too many of you.

Seiko:  Sadly, this is where life is taking Ert.

Shepard:  But he’ll still be around.

John Freeman Who was Gordon Freeman’s Brother:  He always remember!

Ert:  Thank you.  For everything.  I’m trying to figure out my life right now.  It’s stable, but I still need to figure out exactly what I want to do.  To be honest it hasn’t exactly been ideal, and I feel really insecure when I keep seeing things like Taco being an engineer and Lyle being a microbiologist while my English degree isn’t doing much to get me a job outside of a grocery store.  The place I work actually offers a lot of benefits, including profit sharing, health insurance and really good bonuses, but it’s just….I don’t know.  I need to explore possibilities.  I’ve got a future ahead of me one way or another, I’m not going to be rendered homeless or destitute, but I’m still trying to figure things out.  And I’m rambling right now.  I get scared a lot, but I have good friends and family to help calm me down.  And I’m honored to consider you guys my friends.

Goeth:  Also someone is working on a comic of My Inner Life.

http://my-inner-life-comic.tumblr.com/

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