1656: My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside – Chapters Twenty and Twenty-One

Title: My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside
Author:
Unknown/Fake Tara
Media:
Movies/Books
Topic:
Harry Potter
Genre:
Romance, Parody
URL:
http://imm.dh.obdurodon.org/documents/MyImmortalComplete.doc
Critiqued by Angie

Guys, we’re almost free. We’ve almost gotten through the entire thing. We can finally live happily again! We never have to read this fanfic ever again! Are you excited? I’m excited.

Anyway, last time, we learned that Ebony is a polygamist, that you can hum prayers with words, and all of our main characters are part cat. And now, without further ado, I present the end of My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside. Let’s begin.

Chapter 20.

AN: Dis is wat da lst few chaps ment 2 b lik. Dunt funk rport me!!1111\
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Oh, god…that means…the bad grammar is back…FUCK!

Bi da tim we gt bak 2 da hose, it wuz brnt dwn. It wuz a bg shok cuz no1 xpctd it al.
“So swat our we gong 2 du nw”, Vamire tlkd tara. “We wll we go 2 nw?”

Ah, this scene feels oddly familiar. Gee, I wonder why. Hmmm….

“I bt itz da def buildas dat sis diz 2 me. Day no wer I livd. OMG, wer r al mi cholthes”, I scremd suciali. Vampir trid 2 cam me dwn, bt it wuz no gud. I wntd 2 kil mislef.

Basically just refer back to my last riff, just with more headdesks.

“We wll gt bak dem, dos prpz, dos bastd!!” Vampre sed 2 me. He wuz as angi as I wuz. Wat wer we 2 du.i hd noher 2 go al. I wwuz humless.

Awww, Ebony’s an orphan. The lass! Penny for the poor? Penny for the poor?

Cuz of diz, me nd Vampire slt our list wile lixtn 2 MCR I dnt luv u lik I lvu u yestaday!!

That’s not the name of the song! You don’t even know your FAVORITE BANDS. I HAVE SAID IT ONCE, I WILL SAY IT AGAIN.

I creid dta I lst my clthz. Dos fukn BASTD. Dey wll fukn paY!!11111
I dcided 2 rung a friedn. I ringd her up, & c sed, “Wat is it, mi bitchz!!”

So kawaii! What’s up bitch?

“Iv gt a probz”, I tlkd her”, mi hose is brnut gown!!11, plez pike me up!?”
So az we wer wiatng, Vamire tuk hiz painteez of, & I tuk my of to!!11,

He took off…his panties. I think there’s a secret double life of Vampire that we’re not being told. Her name is Vampira.

He den pizzd in my moth. Dem afta dat, e put hiz shichi thngy in 2 mi u-no-wat, & we did it. I den grapd hiz balz & he scremd saxily as I did dat.

Jesus. This sex scene is somehow better than the edited version. I don’t think the name of this fanfic should be Wake Me Up Inside. Maybe we should call it ‘A Clockwork Orange’, based on how sexed up everyone is in this fic.

Bt it wuznt da sam az Draco, & his lipz, & hw he lukd lik joul frm GC. He wuz so fukn ht. Ht in hiz jens, whi did he dmb me, dat fuknn Bastd, he mst fukin Die!!111. I cudnt kep dong it, cuz I keep finking of Fraco, & hiz secy Iz!!111

*gasp* Ebony, you’re turning into a prep! I can’t believe you! Wussing out of pity sex? You’re a disgrace to this family! *WHACK*

It wuz den dat Willow, mi firend puld up in a serena van.

Literally, we all know who Willow is. You don’t need to tell us who she is. WE. KNOW. *WHACK*

She lukd so hot wif wat she wor. Wif da shrt blck mini scrit, wif red strpz, to sa mezzy haor, c wuz fukn hot!!111 C wuz wering pnk chukz, & blck tght jenz!!1

You could’ve fit that into one run on sentence. God knows it wouldn’t be the first time.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxx

Cum in”, c sed…….
Wil in willowz haice, we slt our ritz wil lztne 2 Teen spirt, by Nirvana (if u dunt no dem den fuk of u prepz!!11). We den tlkd obut deprzzing fingz, dat mad me wnt 2 lit my tits agan.

Please do. Please do. End this fic sooner.

I den red a dprezing buk, wik alzo wntd 2 mak me slt my wist. I da kuk kept havng diz fougt? Wuz it cuz of me dong it wif Vanpire.

Say it with me, kids! Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation!

Fuk I wntd 2 kil mielfd.
We den gt 2 her hoze, whch wuz al goffik & stuuf. It lukd lik an old casstle, whchhad gargilz al arund it. It luk alt lik dat hoze frm Edwrt szizorz handz (if u dunt wat dat move iz, den FUK OFFF!!1111) we wnt in2 da hoze, & der wuz al diz psterz of GC, P!daDisko, Ritex pf speing,

Wait…who? Who is Ritex Pf Speing? Can someone look that up for me?

MCR, FOB, GD, Nirvsna, Eveneczent, & da otha foffik ndz. Willo wuz so fukn kool. & zhe wuz a fukn hottee!!1111 Man I wntd 2 do it wif hr.

*headdesk* And here’s one of these for good measure. *WHACK* God, I love the HoMI!

Zo wat iz wrng, “zhe sed.
“Voldamort haz burnd mi houze dwn, & brnt al my cloth (he muzt fukn pay 4 wat he haz don). Stan haz tld me 2 luk 4 sum bll, dat ment 2 c da futor”

Lucky Stan was at the concert, am I right? I mean, ain’t that lucky?!

“I c”, willo ded. C spok so zexily dat I gt an organizm. “Diz bll cn tel uz hw 2 defet da fark lord!!111 it wil tel uz hiz weknizz.

Webkinz? Does anyone remember Webkinz? Apparently Voldemort does.

“Kool, den we muzt luk 4 it nw”, I sed 2 hr
“No emoby”, u muzt sty her & rezt 4 2moro we wil luk!!11111”, she askd me.

How is that a QUESTION? Willow didn’t ASK you anything! And what happened to that beta reader, Shadow? SHADOW, please, save us!

So we gt sum food, whit wuz a kow, & sum gog kat food. It wuz alzo covrd wif blud, & we hd blud mixd wif mlk az well.

Yeah, this wasn’t just some stupid thing Shadow added in. This was all Fake-Tara’s idea. Because of course it was.

B4 we eta, we payd 2 da Devil by hyming diz:
“Stan wndrful Curze diz dina Az u do 2 othas Lt dem b tortad Beetn uon 4 nt akkeptng u b da 1 dat wil punizh dem & snd dem 2 jell!!1111”, we humd. Da dvul wuz plezd.

*headdesk* FUCK! THIS IS SO STUPID!

Afta we hd finshd our fud, we slt our riztz, 7 prazd da Devl. We den wtchd da corsb brid, we mad me wnt 2 do it wif Vanire. So me & Campire wnt 2 willoz can & bngd arond in it.

Luckily enough, that shit-ass poem isn’t in the original draft. Less emo sue bullshit to go through!

So I suxd on2 Vampir u-no-wat & suxd in al hiz pizz, denhe hd an ejecton& da smerm cam ut, whit I suxd in as wel.

Again, I will be comparing Vampire to a Boston Creme Donut. I want one, does anyone have a dollar?

Den we bgan 2 kiz ech otha hard. Den my lit bro milo cm into da van & bng arong wif uz qell. Nilo & bampire suxd on ech of mi b00bz da samtim. Den milo put hiz u-no wat in2 mi holey fing. Den Vampire put hiz u-no-wat in2 miloz holey fingy, whch we pashd 4 a huor, bot milo cud nt tak it animor, & hd 2 stp it 2 get out or da car.
“Wat iz rong”, I azkd him. “unt be a prep onme”.

Also, that wasn’t something Shadow added either. Thank god this part is still there!

“Bt itz my fixt tim, & I cud nt tak it anomore. Im onli 12”.

I somehow don’t believe this is Milo’s first time. Ebony most likely sexed up a baby when she was five. Ebony’s horny!

Cuz I hd enogh, & so has Vampire, we wnt bak in doorz. Willlo gt a kat dat c hd & slit itz fout, & gav it up az an offaing 2 stan
“Giv uz betternss 2morro
& alow uz 2 defet dem orep”, c sed. C wuz so kukn hot den dat I gt a organizm.

All I can say is, this fic is really, really, really, really, really shitty.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx
AN: I do nt wnt a beta animor as i do nut trst any1 hlping me out wif mi stori otha dan Raven R.I.P

Guys. We’re almost done. I mean that Author’s Note was almost done. I mean, fuck. I just can’t wait.

Chapter 21.

AN: Justn, fukn lev mi akont alon!!!!!!!!11 if u kept hakng in2 dis akont, I fukn rng da polise!!!!!!!!!!1 dis not jok!!!!!!!!111 Fnagz agin 4 gereth 4 getng mi akont bak, u fukn fox!!!!!!!!!!!!1
XXXXX666XXXXXXXX

Now they’re giving preps fucking death threats. Jesus Christ, Fake-Tara. You need to chill the fuck out.

So ew gt in2 willow`z sprtpak van, & we derived 2 da minster of majick. We gt ut of da can & wnt 2 da polis box, dat we gt in2, & we wnt in2 da man rum 4 da plac.

There’s absolutely nothing interesting that happened during that time. No one said a word. Have any of these people actually been to the Ministry of Magic? How do they know what to do? Did these characters watch Order of the Phoenix after they watched Corpse Bride?

Der wuz Wurmtail, gardng da Vampir, willow & Milo snekd pas da def deeler, I surduced him.

Um, actually, Wormtail died in the first My Immortal, didn’t he? *WHACK* Fucking stupid.

“Fany abita acton”, I aksd hm. He sed yez & he den pt hiz stiky fingy in2 mi u no wat &we di it.

Wait…what did she ask him? Fanny bite action? Is that a porno?

“Sop!!!!!!!!11”, I cremd sucialily, cuz I wuz in so muck pan. So I sopd & run of, catng up wif Bampire 7 da otha gis. We wlkd pasd da plase wer Vampire`s dogfafer ded.

Uh…um…. Okay.

*WHACK*

Vampir cryd vut I camd im dwn. We den gt 2 da plase wer al da orbz wer kept, & we camd acrzz da 1 dat sed Eboby Dementa Dark`ness Raven Way.

Shouldn’t it say Voldemort? Actually, shouldn’t it say…you know…absolutely nothing? Last time I checked, the orbs weren’t marked with doggy tags.

Then again, maybe it should say He Who Shall Not Be Named. That’s a lot to fit on a doggy tag.

I pikd it u[, bt sum def buildas wlkd in2 da rum. 1 of dem tuk of der massk.
It wuz…………. Draco!!!!!!!!!11111

Was he hot? Like Joel Madden? Did you get an orgasm? I’m sorry, I will NEVER get over that.

XXXXXXXXXXXXx

AN: Dat I nt updatd 4 a lng tim, bt da hakd gt diz akont!!!!!1 So fangz 4 da suprt. 2 da perzon dat is oplning 2 pt da stry on hr akont, do fukn dar,it ix my fukn stry, nt urz. Gt it?!?!!?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING OH MY GOD?????

Chapter 21: Chapter 21
AN: Sop fmaing me u prepz!!!!!11 Raven, dizx 1s u!!!!11111 MRC ROXS!!!!!!!!

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Raven, this is you! You’re Draco! Hypothetically.

“OMS” I fukn yled. “Y da fuk id u jond doz prepz. Volmevort tryd 2 kil u, u fukn dumhed”

Draco isn’t the only dumb head in this fanfiction. Just to be clear.

“By he fretnd 2 kil u”, Draco sed.
“Dats ok”, I sed senaly 2 hm.
“Hw u fukn der do dat”, yled da otha Def Deelet. “U wil b punshd wif def” c tuk her masl of, & it wuz dat fukn slut Paris.

You heard it here, folks. Paris Hilton is a death eater. Of course. This is like a People magazine. Or a Buzzfeed article. 21 Facts You Didn’t Know About Paris Hilton!

“I dona fukn kiil u fukn btch”, I yled secily.
“U cnt, cuz im Stanist!!!!!!!!!1111”, c cremd.

Are satanists not able to die? I thought that was the point, to see the devil?

“No u nt, u r fukn posr. Inly goffz cn b satnizt!!!!!!!!!!1111”, I fukn pizd ut!!!!!!!!!!11111111.

Ebony, don’t be racist!

“Voldermrf tlz da rulz arund her nw, u fukn no gud goff. 4 nw on, all goffz will DI!!!!!!!!11111”

So is Voldemort the headmaster now? Is that a thing now? That’s kinda weird.

, dat fukn pser yld. I cudnt believ it, I cudnt b a goff animor. I wnted to go & slt my rits, & listnd 2 sum MCR& sum Ritez of sprng, bt I nu I hd 2 sumfing abut Parid.

No one ever said you couldn’t be a goth anymore! It’s just against the rules. Since when do care about the rules?

So I did a spll, bt c blikd it.
“Wat da fuk”, I yled!!!!!!!!!11

Wow, it’s like the Bellatrix vs Sirius bit! Actually…it’s exactly like the Bellatrix vs Sirius bit. Hmm….

“Us prepz hav da powr of Voldesnort, so u cunt defet me, u fukn goff!!!!!!!!11”

The power of Voldemort compels you! The power of Voldemort compels you! *sprays tap water from a dollar store plastic bottle*

I wuz so fukn pizzd da I cud nt tak it. Sudnly, c hite me wif a blot of gren lite. I wuz ded……………

Aren’t you supposed to jump out a window onto the stairwell in an act to stop the demon? Am I thinking about the wrong story? Your ex boyfriend is here. Would you like to leave a message?

XXXXXXXXxx
AN: Wuz dat better?!?

No, it was not better. If you’re asking me to compare it to the Bellatrix vs Sirius battle, no, it was certainly not better. 50 Shades of Grey is the superior story here.

My Immortal: Wake Me Up Inside is down with the worst of the worst. The lowest form of shit. But luckily…

THE END

I have finished it. I have finished the sequel to the so titled “worst fanfic ever written”. How does it hold up?

It doesn’t.

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14 Comments on “1656: My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside – Chapters Twenty and Twenty-One”

  1. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “Bt it wuznt da sam az Draco, & his lipz, & hw he lukd lik joul frm GC.”

    I can’t believe I’m about to correct this story on My Immortal lore but…

    It’s Vampire who looks exactly like Joel Madden not Draco.

    This is what my life has become.

  2. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “Wif da shrt blck mini scrit, wif red strpz, to sa mezzy haor, c wuz fukn hot!!111 C wuz wering pnk chukz, & blck tght jenz!!1”

    Why is Willow wearing a skirt and trousers? And pink Chucks? What is she, some sort of prep?

  3. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “Um, actually, Wormtail died in the first My Immortal, didn’t he?”

    No, that was Snaketail. Completely different person.

  4. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “Voldesnort”

  5. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “I wuz ded……………”

    Well that was anticlimactic.

    Seriously, the only reason I knew that was the end was because of the big “The end” text. But that’s just My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside. It retreads old ground and then just fizzles out. What a waste.

  6. BatJamags says:

    Um, actually, Wormtail died in the first My Immortal, didn’t he?

    So did Draco, but continuity has no meaning in this realm.

  7. BatJamags says:

    “No u nt, u r fukn posr. Inly goffz cn b satnizt!!!!!!!!!!1111”, I fukn pizd ut!!!!!!!!!!11111111.

  8. BatJamags says:

    Ladies, Gentlemen, and Library dwellers not ladylike or gentlemanly enough to qualify for those terms (which is to say, all of us), I (and by “I” I actually mean Angie, since this isn’t my riff) present to you the fic that actually managed to fail at being bad and still be bad in that respect.

    • Angie says:

      *bows, falls to ground in process* Hooray!

    • agigabyte says:

      Cain: I speak on behalf of many people when I say that I am offended by your generalizations. Those people I am speaking on behalf of do not include Geronimo.

      Geronimo: Hey!

      Santa: He has a point.

      Cain: They also do not include our author.

      (HEY! -agig, the author)


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