1654: The Savior – Chapter Ten

Title: The Savior
Author: bubbersgod
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dark Souls
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter Ten
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

!!Warning!! Flamebait, nothing but fiery flamebait past yonder line! Thankfully we’re taking a break from the poorly written sex for the most part. Also, for those who are not fans of huge monologue rants mid Riff, there are two.

Welcome back Patrons, to The Savior! Boy, am I in a good mood after last chapter. Here’s what happened in case you missed it. Savior Stu used his corrupting influence to completely ruin Priscilla’s dignity, while turning everyone in Firelink into an asshole and showing off the profound lack of canon characters introduced in this fic. Afterwards, he went to Anor Londo and got #TyrannosaurusShrekt by Ornstein and Smough, who left him alive only for the amusement of watching him crawl feebly away from the battleground while insisting he was on top of things. If more over the top bullshit of that variety happens, the next nine chapters will be smooth sailing. Sadly, I’m not holding out hope.

Abrelepine: It’s a good thing two of us are villains because that much laughter was definitely a sin.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I will admit the festivities were welcome. Hopefully the abuse of Lady Priscilla ceases or I may just lose my temper again.

Chapter 10 Good News and Great Findings

Unless the news is “Savior Stu was murdered to kill by velociraptors” I don’t think it’s good.

The Savior arrived at Fire Link where he saw a few people resting about and Priscilla as well, having made room for whom ever was resting in the small hut now holding the warm bonfire.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Priscilla is certainly proving to be more polite than Savior Stu, but I question the dimensions of this “small” hut.

Well you see everything is composed of purified void, while also being suspended in void, so its dimensions are actually infinity!

Still in some pain from his conflict with Smough and Ornstein he was limping and had to be careful where he stepped.

…Did Orns seriously kick Savior Stu’s ass so hard that not even the healing power of the Bonfire was enough to shake the pain?

He hugged Priscilla and gave her a kiss. She thought he had returned to lay with her again but instead he was there to ask about the whereabouts of the lost Savior’s Casting’s.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Is this the same Stu as last chapter? This seems radically out of character.

She had no clue and after asked him if he wanted to lay with her. Though he did, he couldn’t, the pain was to great and he would be unable to move like that for some time.

He fucking did! Dragonslayer Ornstein is so metal he beat the Stu out of the Savior and rendered his bullshit damage immunity null and void.

Abrelepine: I must talk to Ornstein after hours. The fact Savior Stu was able to shake off consecutive Super Power Meltdowns within hours yet a single skirmish with Dragonslayer Ornstein has wounded him so badly not even his raging boner can overcome it is nothing short of superb.

She was disappointed but accepted it as it was. He decided to check Lite Town.

The now clean Lite Town was bright indeed, the sun shone great across the ruins and seemed to scare off the previous residents like mosquito’s and spiders.

The sun shone brightly. In a big ass trench beneath the archtree. And how did cleaning all the shit off the ground raise the ambient lighting!?

Abrelepine: Yet you glorified the beauty of Ash Lake, despite it being underground completely and having sunlight.

That’s completely different! Ash Lake is canon, and likely exists on an alternate plane since presumably the world is built atop it, yet the ceiling appears to be made of clouds. Come to think of it, Ash Lake is pretty fucking surreal by Soulbourne standards, which only adds to the awe and mystery. Blighttown is just a normal civilization in an unfavorable spot, but supposedly the sun shines into this big ass trench more than it does the surface. Were Blighttown supernatural, that would be one thing, but the only thing supernatural here is the eldritch influence of the Stu. A lesson for you kiddies, when you design a map, plan ahead and make sure it makes a semblance of logical sense or you get this shit!

The people where at work making houses and farms. There where a few whom used to be egg burdened, now free of their eggs and working on removing the webs and dead eggs from the Quaalag Domain. Things where going well here for sure. He made way to the sisters, hoping they would harbor no ill feelings for his gross request from before.

Abrelepine: Honey, that’s the least of your worries. They clearly enjoyed your “superb lovemaking” and company, and your response was to run away without a word and abandon them, leaving them to deal with the consequences of your actions. I imagine they are furious for an entirely different reason.

He found them and this was true, they both hugged him and asked about his travels. He told them about Priscilla and his promise to her to help her bear his child. They understood, it was quite easy for a women to grow such feelings for a man whom saved them as he was not above doing.

Oh fuck you having Quelaag endorse your bullshit trope! It actually makes it more bullshit because you are saying aloud “yeah, woman totally understand that when the big strong man saves them having sex two seconds later is the natural response!”

Sexist Douchecanoe: 10

Abrelepine: What an odd thing of you to say, after what you did with Ro.

What?

Abrelepine: You know.

*sigh* Okay patrons, dirty confession time. Without going into exhaustive detail, I’ll just say this: I use this trope too.

It’s not even a “bad habit” from my older writing. I deliberately employ it a lot so saying the trope is completely wrong is a little hypocritical. The “man helps woman, woman falls in love with man” (or vice versa) scenario is not always the absolute Satan in Hell of writing tropes, It can be done. However, here’s the caveat: sex should come with a strong relationship with a reasonable amount of chemistry driving it, else it becomes incredibly shallow and idiotic.

It can start as “he did a good turn by me so I wanted to hang around him more” but it has to develop past that point. Developing a relationship is so important that anytime I write I try as hard as possible to avoid shipping characters like I used to because it is so easy to derail the plot of even the best fictions by sacrificing logical progression of events in favor of making a pairing happen.

Now, let’s say it’s part of the plot. This pairing must happen for the plot to progress, for whatever reason, or in the case of my current novel this romance is critical to the development of a character. Well, you’d better squeeze into your big boy panties and plan ahead for it and take as many opportunities as possible to show them playing off eachother and growing close, that way the romance happens as naturally as possible. Romance is an extension of a good relationship, not a replacement for a relationship.

A lot of my OTPs now happen completely at random. I write my fics as I usually would and it just so happens that, when considering their interactions and where it would go they end up being an official pairing. And it works. It works extremely well. When your beta reader is demanding for a ship to happen because the relationship between two characters is so good, you’re onto something.

This fic has “romance” as a tag, but what chemistry does he have with any of the three girls he’s fucked so far? He clearly has no idea who Priscilla is or her history, and he clearly knows nothing about the Daughters of Chaos or the culture of Izalith. The entirety of all three relationships is thus:

They had issue. Savior fixed issue with Stu powers. He wanted sex with him because they pwetty. They wanted sex from him because he’s a Gary Stu who ‘helped’ them. It was super-duper amazballs sex (supposedly) so they wanted more sex from him.

So here it’s not the trope that’s at fault, it’s the utter inability to fucking write and piss poor execution! These vapid, soulless fucking “romances” that are so common in fiction are a disrespect and a disservice to every character involved. As a hopeless romantic I say this: give a fuck about romance when you write it. A properly executed, deep romance is extremely compelling and extremely satisfying to read and write. If you don’t want to put in the effort, that’s fine. Write porn. I totally have nothing against porn, but don’t withhold the fucking pretensions of writing quality fiction, especially in having your characters try to pass it off as a character motivation!

Quaalag was with child, they knew because of a spell they tried that revealed this fact.

Speak of the Stu. And of course Quelaag is pregnant. Let’s see the full ramifications be completely oversimplified and glossed over!

This news struck the Savior hard in the heart, he would have a child now. At least from Qualaag he would for sure, but this only told him he was capable of fulfilling his promise to Priscilla.

Really? You learn you’re a fucking dad and your first response is “Oh goodie, that means I can get Priscilla preggers too!” Though I shouldn’t be surprised.

Qualaag was happy to be carrying a human child for once, no more spider monster babies for her.

…The important thing is not that Quelaag is pregnant, but that she’s pregnant with the Stu’s spawn.

And no monster babies for Quelaag! Ah ah ah *finger wag* ah ah ah!

35e

*punch* *punch* *punch* I’ve had it up to fucking here with your goddamn attitude! *punch* *punch* *punch* “pesky drake” “pesky boulder spewer” “annoying Sen’s Fortress” *punch* the narration much like the Gary Stu is a conceited piece of fucking shit and you’ve pushed me to the limits of my patience with your snide fucking remarks! *punch* *punch* *punch* *punch* *punch*

Sexist Douchecanoe: 11

*chews a Chill Pill* Alright, what next?

She didn’t yet have a name for the child but in time this will change. He asked them about the magics and the pale sister told him of one such magic being in the ruins of New Londo.

The name of the land reminded him of Ornstein and Smough, whom resided still in Anor Londo.

*snerk* Thanks for reminding me of the duo that turned your rectum inside out, it’s something to smile over.

Hopefully this place would not have two guardians as the other did.

Oh, New Londo doesn’t have two guardians, don’t worry yourself.

Abrelepine: Really?

*snerk* Really.

 

If you look closely, you can see the fourth king lurking in the Dark - Art by OniRu

If you look closely, you can see the fourth king lurking in the Dark – Art by OniRuu

He kissed the sisters goodbye and they wished him luck to return to task delegation of their people whom where quick at work fixing and building a new kingdom for their queen’s.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Either Savior Stu is the task delegator for “Light Town” or the grammar is deteriorating.

Also, did I mention they are the queens of Lost Izalith not Blighttown?

Not My Dark Souls: 19

He arrived at New Londo, a damp dark and eerily quiet landscape awaited him. He moved along with no trouble until a ghost came after him. No matter how many times he swung his sword or cast a magic nothing hurt it. Then he remembered how to harm ghosts, you have to become cursed to harm these cursed, but he could only do so by death which was not an option.

Yeah, did I mention the sign hung outside New Londo reads “Welcome to HellFucktown”?

It’s one of two entry points to the Abyss, a force of Dark that would destroy the world in a heartbeat if it were ever allowed out of control. The Four Kings of New Londo woke it up and decided it would be a great idea to feed the Abyss so it could grow stronger. Their undead knights were twisted into extremely fucking nasty warriors called Darkwraiths, who don skeletal armor fused to their body. They are so immortal that in Dark Souls 3, after tens of thousands of years of battle, with their armor so fathomlessly ancient it’s ready to turn to dust, they are still every bit as dangerous as in Dark Souls 1.

Not only are they ridiculously physically strong thanks to their mutation by the Abyss, but they are essentially vampires. They can suck people’s souls out and render them hollow in an instant by just touching them, this ability to drain life called…. Lifedrain. Not the most creative I know.

The Darkwraiths posed such a threat to the world the entire city was flooded by the sealers to stop them from escaping. The Darkwraiths survived but were trapped at the bottom of the lake, everyone else drowned to death.

The phantoms of all the corpses beneath the water, the former citizens of New Londo, are immune to damage, intangible, and can fly. Imagine the wraiths from Return of the King only with really stretchy arms, a pair of daggers, and serious anger management issues. The only way to dispatch them is to do as the Stu said: slap on a harmless Transient Curse or get cursed by a Basilisk in order for your weapon to harm them, though the sword of Artorias the Abysswalker will also work.

So he did the next best thing, he pulled out a cursed ring and put it on his left Gauntlet, making his attacks land and make quick work of these monsters.

Or alternatively, he can pull a mystical ring out of his ass that is essentially a permanent Transient Curse. How does he have such a thing? MOVING ON!

He found nothing much of interest until he fell into the water bellow trying to avoid being struck by a ghost. Instead of sinking into doom he was able to swim due to a low load. He swam back to shore where he found what he came for.

I can buy him swimming… but him finding a single item amidst an entire ruined civilization that is mostly underwater with no fuss? Yeah, is it even a surprise anymore?

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I’d like to see him use a tome that’s been in a place like Londor for hundreds of years. No matter how well recorded, there is no way it isn’t absolutely ruined by now. Also, if one of the most powerful magic arts in the world was that easy to find, why did the Four Kings not covet it for themselves?

It was the, “Great Savior Soul Spear.” One of the stronger of the four great castings he would find on his journey but it could only be cast four times. Even so, this should prove a great asset in future endeavors.

*cracks knuckles* Okay, you know that rant I’ve been saving up for, that I took little snippets from earlier instalments to cite? Well, now’s the time. First, a little history lesson. Sulyvahn, can you explain Crystal Soul Spear, the masterpiece of Big Hat Logan?

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Of course. In the war against the dragons, Seathe the Paledrake betrayed his own as he lacked the stone scales of immortality his brethren possessed. He was fragile, weak, and deformed, and his fellow dragons outcasted him for it. However, Seathe was immensely cleaver, and discovered an ancient, primeval crystal with great power.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Seathe imbibed the crystal with his soul, and gained life eternal. It was said his wounds healed faster than his enemies could inflict them, and he used cursed crystal breath to frightening effect. With this power, he was able to pile mountains of dragon corpses at his feet, and was awarded dukedom by Gwyn and a place to research immortality in peace.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: One of the fruits of this labor was a form of “hard light” generated from the soul, which he trained others to wield themselves. This knowledge became the foundation of all sorcery, which spearheaded further research into the nature of the soul.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Big Hat Logan, the master sorcerer, was obsessed with Seathe, and constantly strove to perfect his art so he could become a crystal dragon himself. If Seathe was the father of sorcery, than Logan was its firstborn son. He invented numerous powerful arts of incredible power, the capitol of which was Soul Spear.

soul_spear

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Superficially it looks like a Soul Arrow, only larger, but in reality they are hardly comparable. Soul Arrow strikes its target and then “bursts”, creating damage from the dissipation of energy. Soul Spear takes a different approach: it’s rigid, hard, and above all, sharp. It’s so solid it pierces targets like a lance, and can actually drive through consecutive enemies with little effort.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: When Logan made it to the Duke’s Archives, with the help of the Chosen Undead, he used Seathe’s knowledge of the connection between souls and crystal to perfect his masterpiece further, creating Crystal Soul Spear.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Despite being made by a human, it’s arguably one of the most powerful destructive castings in existence, on par with Sunlight Spear, which Gwyn used to slay the ancient dragons. Only the most powerful of Sorcerers have the skill and raw power to wield it, but if they can master its use they can destroy nearly any enemy with a single, overwhelming barrage.

Feel that? That feeling of awe and wonder imagining giant diamond encrusted laser beams designed by a blind dragon and a mad sorcerer with a big ass hat exploding everything in their path? I’ve found that the best way to make a power awesome and impressive is to really capture the scale of it, to make the reader imagine what it would be like to see it firsthand. This is something Soulsbourne does very well. A lot of the special moves and attacks are relatively minimalistic, just weak enough to not be overblown and just strong enough to make you go “Wow, that was fucking awesome!”

Even the “gods” of the Dark Souls universe are flesh and blood and have vulnerable mortal lives, just like anyone else, but that one mortal life is unbelievably durable and they can do things that the Player Character couldn’t possibly do if they trained every day of their lives and gathered every soul they could. You can even get cheap knockoffs of what the bosses use sometimes, but they always hang in the rafters of the original.

This is something this fucking story has walked all over from the first fucking chapter.

…the Saviors casting time for a great spell called the “Necromancer Bolt” Which resembled soul arrow but it was green and far more powerful.

The land once known as “Light Land” because even as deep as it was you could once still see the sun shine even beneath the massive trees covering it.

Soon he had to pull out his trusty sword, its name was Fate, a blade improved upon using the gauntlets. It sliced through the giant’s steel like butter and the massive beast fell to its demise leaving behind many souls and even an interesting core.

Even in stories much better than this one it fucking pisses me off to no end when people insist that their super special OC has to be super better best in the context of the story. You know what? I’m okay with a fic having an OC that is really fucking good, maybe even the best at something, but the thing is you have to, you have to know where they fall in the broad scheme of everything else.

They will break the fucking balance of the entire story if they have too much power, that’s a given, but even if you keep them from being storybreaking you have to pay respect to the canon characters or you come off as a massive tryhard!

You can have a character be the strongest in their country, but you can’t make them stronger than Tarkus. You can give them vast power over miracles, but they can’t have more powerful lightning than Gwyn or the Nameless King. They can be a superb swordsmen, but you can’t have them outduel Pardoner Oswald, Artorias, or Yuria. You can’t give them a bow that can outshoot Gwyndolin. You can’t have a stripper who can control the Abyss better than Manus.

YOU CAN’T FUCKING DO IT!

You know why? Even making a character mildly OP in the context of their skills and abilities is really fucking dangerous because even in a good story, you can give readers a smidgen of doubt in where your characters fall. It’s easy to impress people you are just going to make your precious Stus and Sues the best at everything, and exist solely to walk over everyone else.

I wrote a Bloodborne fic recently, and the “final boss” was an exiled Cainhurst Knight known as Claudette, though she never speaks in the fic and she is an orphan (character without a proper fic) at the moment. I was running out of ideas on how to make her a legitimate threat after giving earlier adversaries quite a bit of power themselves, so I gave her crazy kung-fu powers that were still believable but good, as well as quickening, a completely canon ability.

When I wrote it, I immediately realized that giving her quickening was a huge fucking mistake and mildly revised it from her having the ability innately to her using a hunter’s bone, as a few others in the Bloodborne universe do. The reason for this is that only two characters in-universe can quicken without the use of a hunter’s tool at the time the fic is set: Gehrman and Maria.

In giving Claudette quickening as an innate power, I was saying she was on par with the First Hunter and his greatest and most powerful student. Maria was also the strongest member of the Cainhurst family, so saying my OC Cainhurst was as good as her officially made no sense.

I recognized that I was pushing it way to hard, and dialed it back. My trusty friend then said I made Claudette too unrealistically dexterous for all the equipment she had, so I dialed that back as well so she would be at the upper limit, but not past the speed at which hunters can fight and use quickening to supplement it.

With the overblown abilities gone, and being left with a normal but skilled huntress, I did something else: I gave her an excellent grasp at using hunter’s tools. I gave her a giant bag of tricks she was very adept at making use of, as well as superb accuracy with a sawed-off flintlock she quickdraws unexpectedly in the middle of the fight to get the drop on the protagonist. It’s something I’ve never seen before and it was very fun doing something out of left field.

With sheer practice and experience, she uses her superior adaptability and grace under pressure, along with all the tricks and tools, to get the better of a character I massively overpowered on purpose, kicking his ass one-sidedly with stamina to spare. So, by powering her down and relaxing that stress on canon abilities, I actually made Claudette infinitely more impressive in the context of the story because you could believe that while she was way better than the average hunter, she still had a limit and you could imagine trying to trifle with her and what a goddamn pain it would be.

This is what you royally fucking fail at bubbers! There is no context to your character’s strengths and abilities, there is no room for imagination or awe, it’s just you endlessly spewing how your character is so much better than everyone else. My magic is just like sorcery but better! He’s as strong a swordsmen as the best swordsmen, only better! You constantly run out of ways to make him more impressive, so you mix it up by just giving him another dumbfuck power ex nihilo to keep the audience interested, though anyone with more than a braincell has stopped taking you seriously at this point.

But the real funny part? The real part that makes this fucking hysterical, is that your super-duper better Do Not Steal castings, which are unarguably the strongest magics in the history of the world, are just rip-off’s of the canon, infinitely more interesting abilities!

Your “Great Savior Soul Spear” is just Crystal Soul Spear with none of what made it something legitimately epic to think about. Yeah, I know I’m retreading old ground here, but it had to be said that either bastardizing a canon power or pulling a power with no context out of your ass and slapping it in there for the sake of making it “interesting” is the pinnacle of laziness and utterly spits in the eye of what your supposedly writing an homage of.

So, I’m renaming my fucking counter! To something more fitting of all this “mine’s better” bullshit. For having your ultimate trump card be a canon power that’s just been watered down and made “more speshul” Here’s a ding!

Take that, Dark Souls!: 20

Abrelepine: I suppose we’ll have to settle for only a chapter this time, since your tirades were a little word intensive.

Yeah I know, I had a lot to bitch about and I decided to include some of my own experiences in there, so it’s no wonder I got a bit fired up. Anyways patrons, that brings this instalment of The Savior to a close. Tune in next time for more hot, Gary Stu Does Dark Souls action!

Vereor Nox.

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9 Comments on “1654: The Savior – Chapter Ten”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    murdered to kill by velociraptors

    [BLARING ALARM BLARES]

    *AdmiralSakai is killed to death by the DRD Division of Tactical Tactics Division.*

    Oh god dammit.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    He moved along with no trouble until a ghost came after him.

    Ew.

  3. BatJamags says:

    He kissed the sisters goodbye and they wished him luck to return to task delegation of their people whom where quick at work fixing and building a new kingdom for their queen’s.

    Go home, Google Translate. You’re drunk.

  4. BatJamags says:

    The Darkwraiths posed such a threat to the world the entire city was flooded by the sealers to stop them from escaping. The Darkwraiths survived but were trapped at the bottom of the lake, everyone else drowned to death.

    Also, many of them are employed at Lina’s coffee shop and as interns or minions elsewhere in the Library.

  5. BatJamags says:

    Big Hat Logan, the master sorcerer,

    And bearer of a truly magnificent hat,

  6. BatJamags says:

    orphan (character without a proper fic)

    Ah, so that’s what those are called. I hereby rename my mind The Orphanage.


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