1653: A New Metal Cyborg Trio! – Chapter Three, Part Two

Title: A New Metal Cyborg Trio!
Author: bopdog111
Media: Video Game
Topic: Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
Genre: Adventure/Mystery
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by SC, Dagger and Broadsword

Hello, and welcome back to A New Metal Cyborg Trio!, by bopdog111! I’m your host, SC, and I finally got sick of the running gag!

When we last left off, Raiden and Captain Dumbass became buddies, which didn’t fly with Madison and Wolf, who proceeded to engage in battle with the two. Wolf did admirably, despite failing miserably, whereas Madison was a whole heaping mess of uselessness.

So, I tried getting into contact with Scarlet and his team, since Cobalt and Bear couldn’t have told me no any clearer if they screamed it through a megaphone at me. I suppose I should have seen it coming, but Scarlet also said no. I didn’t want to risk talking to either of Dole’s right-hand men, or even Dole, himself, and I technically already involved Solaris in the riff, via Roy, so that left me with one other major faction who I touched upon but, as of yet, haven’t really given the spotlight to: The Aegis Vanguard, Solaris’ archnemesis and a frequent thorn in Guardian PMC’s side.

My guests this week are, surprisingly, the men in charge of the Aegis Vanguard – as busy as they are, I can’t fathom how they found the time to join me for a riff.

Firstly, we have the man in charge, himself: Commander Bohai Liu, codename “Broadsword,” an Anglo-Chinese special forces soldier-turned-PMC CEO. Due to extreme bodily harm suffered during his military career, Broadsword had to undergo surgery for a full-body cyborg chassis just to survive. Over the years, he had modifications made to his chassis, gradually transforming it from an artificial body into what can only be described as a juggernaut’s wet dream: bullets up to the weakest sniper rifle caliber just bounce right off of him, he can reach triple-digit speeds when sprinting, he is covered from head to toe and thus is nigh-indestructible by conventional means, and thanks to a multitude of strength enhancements, Broadsword can heft guns that would normally be stationary due to their weight with the ease of a sidearm – hence why one of the weapons in his personal arsenal is a minigun that bolts onto his arm. And as if that wasn’t impressive enough, he manages to hide all of that under a crisp and spiffy business suit. (The armor, I mean. The minigun has to be detached, first.)

Basically, you only fuck with Broadsword if you have a death wish or more firepower than his armor can defend against.

Broadsword: Not that I have any intention of revealing my own weaknesses, but I would assume that rocket launchers would still be effective. I’ve never given anyone the chance to fire one at me, mind, so I can’t say that for certain.

Following Broadsword is Lieutenant Commander Austin Monroe, codename “Dagger,” Aegis Vanguard’s second-in-command and a former Green Beret who was initially hired on as the Aegis Vanguard’s first experimental stealth operative. Using a combination of tried-and-true espionage techniques and neural implants that allowed him to turn near-invisible at will, Dagger would infiltrate enemy strongholds alone and complete objectives that would otherwise have been deemed laughable, at best. His career record very nearly saw the Aegis Vanguard making these experimental operatives less experimental, but then he slipped up and got caught, and in the process of being ruthlessly tortured for information, his neural implants were critically damaged. He was eventually saved, but thanks to the severity of the abuses he suffered, his body was near-crippled. Worse yet, his neural implants had to be surgically removed for his safety. It spelled the end of his espionage days, to say the least. However, Broadsword, after having learned of Cobalt’s notoriety via news outlets, decided that having a hacker would greatly benefit his organization, and he ordered the doctors to replace Dagger’s broken stealth implants with ones that would allow him to interface with computerized systems like a human datastick. Meanwhile, Aegis Vanguard R&D teams developed a bionic exoskeleton that would allow Dagger to get back out in the field – this time as a frontline operative, with strength and skills on par with full cyborgs.

So, Dagger gave up being a spy and became, essentially, an extremely dangerous computer virus.

Dagger: …I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not.

Hey, it’s not like I’m lying.

Dagger: I mean, sure, but I still feel vaguely insulted.

Anyhow, so we’re getting back to Captain Dumbass and Raiden again for what should be the final part of this riff, and then I’m going back to LAFS. I can’t believe I typed this, but I’m actually eager to get back to Killian’s Adventures In Inanity.

We ran into the gate where the lock is. I used my left hand to unlock it.

Dagger: …Was there some particular reason why which hand he used warranted clarification?

None whatsoever.

Dagger: Okay, so then, why should we care?

Broadsword: Dagger, you know better than to ask questions you already know the answers to.

Dagger: We don’t care, right.

As Raiden looked lke he was talking to himself. We ran in there killed more cyborgs and we arrived to a power plant.

Broadsword: Even when viewing combat from the integrated cameras on my operatives’ uniforms, it’s never been quite so boring to see as it is here.

That’s because this author seems to think that Revengeance, the gameplay, and Revengeance, the plot, are an inseparable entity. In the gameplay, mooks popping up on the field are dealt with in swift accord and are quickly forgotten about. In reality, even though he’s absurdly good at what he does, any rando cyborg could still be a viable threat to Raiden’s life that he would want to take seriously.

Broadsword: And Dagger tried to tell me once that video games were an apt method of virtual training for our own cyborg operatives. What say you now, Dagger?

Dagger: In my defense, that was when I was still adapting to my neural implants. You couldn’t really have expected me to maintain rational thought during that period of time.

“Why are we here?” I ask him. “A mission. By the Maverick Security Consulting, Incorporated.” Raiden answered.

Why would Raiden ever refer to his own employers like that? I mean, maybe if he were sitting in for a consultation or a status update with a client, like what happened with N’mani, then I could understand it, but when he’s in mission mode, talking to some kid who tried (and failed) to whoop his ass not long ago? I’m sorry, I just can’t see him going that direction.

Dagger: I imagine he also doesn’t read as being quite so stiff when he does speak formally, either.

No, Raiden is basically Cyborg Nero: His vocabulary consists of lots of fuck-yous and not many sirs.

Dagger: I thought as mu-

And that’s just the part of his vocabulary that wasn’t written by Jack the Ripper. That half of the book is just drenched in blood and consists of “ha ha ha” carved into the pages over and over again.

Dagger: …Maybe we should move on.

The Maverick company?

My dad worked there! :D*

Broadsword: Your father worked for a PMC?

Sure, we’ll go with that.

(*No, he didn’t. The Maverick he worked for was a wine bottle cap production plant.)

“What is the mission?” I ask him. “Dolzaev.” He answered as he zoomed in the screen. I zoomed to where he is and I saw a Russian wearing Russian clothing

Dagger: You know, as Russians are prone to do.

Broadsword: Rather like how I wear British business suits, yes?

And I wear American jeans.

yelling at two cyborg woman. He even pulled out a gun at them.

They proceeded to laugh at how small his gun was, which made him feel bad about himself.

Dagger: Cyborg ladies are more into swords anyhow. From what I’ve seen, at least.

Broadsword: Exceptions including Riot and Ironsight, who prefer tonfas and mobile weapon mainframes, respectively.

And Mistral, Mistral like spears.

One of the cyborg woman pulled out a blade to his neck. I recognized her as Cassie.

Oh hey, The One With The Useless Weapon finally became relevant again.

The Russian than went off as he puts his Gun up.

So I put my gun up, they’re playing my-

*PUNCH’D*

Dagger: We’re putting an end to that right now.

Ow…

The other turned and i saw it was Mistral. She blew someone i kiss while i blushed and Raiden yelled out and pulled out his sword.

Broadsword: Neither of these reactions were really appropriate to a taunting gesture of that sort, but then, I suppose I shouldn’t expect every cyborg to have my level of self-control.

Canonically, Raiden does get pretty startled, but that’s only because he had assumed, up to that point, that he was getting the drop on Mistral, and didn’t expect her to know he was nearby. I imagine he does have about your level of self-control otherwise.

Dagger: That would freak me out too, admittedly, if someone knew I was nearby the whole time.

Broadsword: I should freak you out regularly, then.

Dagger: You’re my boss, I expect it from you.

A hologram of a man with glasses, blue shirt, and brown hair popped up

Sparse though this description is, I was able to successfully link it to Kevin. That’ll probably never happen again.

and ask “Raiden what’s happening? Your heart rate spiked and who is this…” He swipe the hologram aside.

Fuck off, Kevin, we’re busy.

Dagger: I’ve had operatives try and close communication channels on me like that before. I usually just spam them on every other channel until they give up and actually pay attention to what I’m trying to tell them.

Broadsword: I would have been considerably less annoying… but they would have much preferred you over me when they did eventually face retribution for their insubordination.

We looked back and see that Mistral, and Cassie are gone.

Or were they even there to begin with?

Dagger: If you make an X-Files joke, I’m gonna punch you again.

“Yeah. We just dodged a bullet.” Raiden said. “Not quite. I’m sure Firestorm would find us shortly. We better hurry.” I said as he nodded.

Bit late for you to start building Little Miss Impractical up as this big time hunter, author.

“All right. We’re headed for the refinery.” Raiden said as we jumped down and silently killed the cyborgs guarding the place.

Killing cyborgs.

Silent.

Nope, sorry, no such thing in Revengeance. It’s one or the other, buddy.

That isn’t to say that there’s not technically a method of stealth-killing cyborgs, but here’s the thing: It involves stabbing them from behind, and when they go horizontal, they explode. So, yeah, no such thing as stealth-kills in Revengeance.

We made it to a cliff where a man with a black mustache, black hair, and wearing blue clothes called Raiden

Hi, Boris.

Broadsword: I’m amazed you can pull any specifics out of such vague descriptors.

In fairness, there’s only, like, one person who fits each set of vague descriptors. Revengeance has a rather unique cast, you see. It’s unlikely that anybody will look like a twin of someone else if they aren’t a standard faceless mook. So, in this instance, the author can kind of get away with broad descriptions like this, because it’s not difficult to narrow it down to who he could possibly be talking about.

and he said “Raiden the cliff is just ahead at the end if the old city. Beyond that is the refinery’s backyard.” “So what it’s a sheer drop? The refinery’s not connected to the city at all?” Raiden ask him.
“No. It was only built two years ago.” The man said. “There is a narrow path that leads to the plant but it’s protected by a fence we can cut out way through Raiden let’s go.” I said.

Will you people fucking breathe once in a while?!

Dagger: I was beginning to hyperventilate just reading all that.

Broadsword: I keep telling you, outfitting yourself with bionic rebreathers will solve that problem quite handily.

Dagger: Yeah, but I like actually having lungs, sir.

Broadsword: Why?

Dagger: …Because I didn’t get shot to shit during my military career and need a full-body chassis in order to survive?

Broadsword: There’s no call for personal attacks, Dagger.

“Who is this Raiden?” The man ask. “Just a kid that is a Cyborg in Desperado.

Oh, you know, some guy, might be a bad guy.

Dagger: We tend to pick up a few of those from time to time for interrogation.

Broadsword: We’ve proven ninety-nine-point-six times out of one hundred that they are, in fact, bad guys.

Point-six?!

Dagger: We’ve decided that maybe Hammer isn’t our best option for an interrogator.

The fuck did he do?!

Remember that boy i told you about weeks ago?” Raiden ask. “Yes i remember.” The man said. “This is him. But Desperado have erased his memory so he doesn’t know anything. We are looking for his sisters also.” Raiden said. “What!? Those… those sick bastards! Find them!” The man said.

We’ve ironically just covered half of Revengeance’s plot in three chapters, considering that the child cyborg thing was the tipping point that sent Raiden to Denver.

Broadsword: Raiden is perhaps the single most efficient investigator to ever exist.

Bullshit and efficiency don’t really go hand-in-hand.

“Yes Boris i’ll do that.” Raiden said as Boris hanged up.

God, okay, MOM.

Dagger: I imagine that’s another thing our operatives tend to do when they get tired of hearing me.

Broadsword: We swear up and down that all our operatives are professionals, but admittedly, some of them are teenagers.

You guys hire children as field agents?

Broadsword: No, it’s just that some of our operatives never truly grew up when they got through high school.

“There is a lot of security there let’s go.” I said as he nodded. We made it there and tan through

Now is not the time for spray-tans!

Dagger: I dunno, Raiden was looking pretty pasty, there.

Broadsword: And besides, look what it did for Sam’s complexion.

and i said “Raiden stop! There are some sensors that are part of security let’s be careful.” He nodded. We managed to avoid them. Before we can pass the last one it disappeared along with the rest. “What’s going on?” Raiden ask.
My sensors tracked something and i manage to blocked a slash before i can strike again it kicked my face and punch Raiden’s as it jumped back.

…Wait, shit, are we in combat all of a sudden?

Dagger: We are? Good grief, none of my combat protocols went live! If this were an actual battle, I’d be dead!

Broadsword: Or kicked in the face, as it were.

I looked and saw it was Cassie with her helmet in Battle Mode.

Broadsword: …And this means what? Did she have it on? Did it sprout knives?

Please no. We already have one outfit made of knives in this Library.

“Firestorm.” I said. “Windblade told me that you betrayed us and terminated Wolf. How could you? You even let this cyborg talk to you.” Cassie said with venom in her voice.

I mean, fucking Wolf’s day is one thing, but talking to that ugly Raiden person? Man, I don’t even KNOW you anymore!

Dagger: xoX0Jetstream_Sam0Xox is unfriending you so fast.

“And you?” Raiden ask with his High Frequency blade in his hands. “I am Cassie Adkins, codename: Firestorm, the strongest member in the Winds of Balance.” Cassie answered.

You have yet to prove this in any capacity.

“Firestorm?” Raiden ask. “I bring a storm full of dangerous fires of Hell that no-one survives from. You and my supposed leader are my next victims.” Cassie explained.

Broadsword: …Right. Certainly. Of course you do.

By the way, in case anybody was curious about Broadsword and Dagger’s codenames: A broadsword is a large military blade with a hilt that completely protects the hand, similar to how Broadsword is completely protected by his chassis. Or, if we go by the more popular modern definition, broadswords are weapons made for ruining the assholes of shitlords, much like how Broadsword destroys anybody stupid enough to fight him. By contrast, daggers are small enough to be concealed, and can easily be slid between bones to cause massive damage directly to vital organs, much like how Dagger used to be incredibly proficient at infiltrating and dismantling enemy bases, and is now proficient at infiltrating codes and manipulating computerized systems on a whim.

And, might I add, both codenames are markedly less tryhard than everything this author has come up with thus far.

Broadsword: I do appreciate the simplicity behind our names.

Dagger: See, I just picked mine because it sounded cool, I didn’t realize it was actually fitting for my job description.

“Cassie… do you know where my sisters are?” I ask her. “You have an older brother that died and now your asking me about two sisters? You’ve read your file incorrectly.” Cassie scoffed.
“I’ve just received a memory about them. You must know.” I said. “Even if i did know i wouldn’t tell you. Now die f^%#&rs!” Cassie yelled as me, and Raiden activated our battle modes.

Dagger: Well, I know how old the author is, now.

You caught that “censor” there, too?

Dagger: Yeah. I’m not sure what they’re trying to prove by censoring naughty words. So far, this fic has been about people dying left and right and otherwise beating each other up.

I basically said the same thing back when it first came up. This fic screams of a kid trying to look cool, but he thinks that cussing will hurt someone’s feelings. Uh, hi, kid, welcome to the internet, nobody gives a shit.

(Mini boss theme: A Stranger i Remain)

(Objective: Defeat Cassie.)

Oh, you whore. You did NOT just hijack Mistral’s boss theme.

Nope, I don’t allow this, I’m giving Cassie something that fits her better:

Right then, on with the shitshow.

Her health bar appeared at the-

Oh yeah right, like I’m gonna allow the stupid health meters back into this riff. Come on.

Me, and Raiden attacked but she jumped back. She ran up the walls and fired from her High Frequency Bow but we blocked her strikes and she jumped down and attacked her. She stumbled back but attacked us as we yelled out. I heard constant beeping and used Repair Nanomachines to fix my health bar.

Damn it, I misread that as nacho machines.

Broadsword: Haven’t eaten much today, I take it?

Shut up.

Raiden used his foot to attack but she blocked and i strike but she avoided it but i manage to kick her side.

Dagger: Well, then she didn’t avoid it, did she? You know, because “avoiding” typically entails “not getting hit.”

She grunted when Raiden punched her. She landed on her feet and used bet Bow to get us.

Broadsword: “Bet Bow?”

As in, “Bet you this bow ain’t gonna do shit.”

We used Ninja Run to deflect the shots.

See?

Broadsword: I daresay you’ve made a valid point.

After that she switch back to her blade and yelled “You are a damn stupid boy!”

This, coming from the twit who couldn’t even hit a pair of moving targets? With her lightning-firing bow?

Dagger: I’m sorry, what?

Yeah, her bow shoots lightning, so sayeth the idiot responsible for bullshitting the useless thing into existence.

Dagger: …And she failed to hit her targets?!

Worse than that, they blocked it.

Dagger: That’s not even physically-!

Broadsword: Dagger, you’ll short-circuit your data core if you keep on like that.

Dagger: After this, I may need a drink.

Broadsword: Alcoholic inebriation is not only strictly forbidden, according to the terms of your employment, but it also poses a threat to the processing functions of your-

Dagger: I KNOW, SIR.

Me, and Raiden hitted her but it did little damage.

Some part of me wants to keep this line around as an in-joke for future riffs where combat is this atrocious. This tends to happen frequently, and I’m not sure why.

Broadsword: Over-preparedness for future events that may never occur is preferable to under-preparedness for events that are already happening.

Dagger: He says these things with a straight face, and it honestly makes me wonder if he didn’t implant himself with emotional inhibitors.

Broadsword: Actually, I did – you and I both. They’re just manually operable, so we can dictate when they are and aren’t needed.

Dagger: …Good to know.

She stumbled back thought.

I guess using her brain is physically incapacitating for her.

Broadsword: As with everyone else in this story so far, it would seem.

She slashed me as i yelled out.

“Bailey/Monsoon?! What is WRONG with you?!”

I tried to slash but Cassie blocked it. We struggled for a while. Then she broke the hold. She kicked Raiden away

Wait a minute, Raiden wasn’t even doing anything!

Broadsword: Well, she had to vent her frustrations on something, I suppose. Or someone, as the case were.

and she slashed me but i blocked it but it knocked my blade out of my hand.

Broadsword: Speaking as a swordsman myself, perhaps next time, you might think about reflecting the attack, rather than just absorbing the brunt of it head-on? That seems to prevent a good deal of accidental disarmings, I find.

While i was stunned she kicked me away.

Dagger: Like a soccer ball?

I thought you were going to say a football.

Broadsword: Where I come from, he technically did. Of course, that’s an age-old argument that I think we’re all tired of hearing, now.

Dagger: Besides, I’ve never really been into American football. All these neural implants, and I still don’t get how that game works.

I mean, you have… probably double the access to the internet that I ever will, don’t you ever think to do some Wiki-hopping about that topic?

Dagger: I just said I’ve never been all that into it, why would I want to research something that doesn’t interest me?

Good point.

I grabbed my dagger

Dagger: Bad touch!

*Broadsword chuckles*

but before i can strike her she retracted her sword and slashed at a fast speed that sliced my right arm off! If my pain inhibitors were turned off that would really hurt! Raiden gasp once he have seen it. I yelled “S^%t! That is just so evil!”

This whole transgression reads like one of those parody movies where somebody suffers grievous bodily harm and then proceeds to whine and complain about how mean it was to a suddenly very apologetic attacker.

Dagger: So, Scary Movie… I don’t even begin to know which one, but I think it was one of them?

Maybe? I honestly don’t remember a thing about any of the Scary Movie series besides the aliens pissing from their fingers and kicking people in the nuts as a salutation in 3.

(I assume this goes without saying, but the Scary Movie series is fucking weird.)

I started to weaken. She thrust in me

“N-no, senpai! Yamete~!”

Dagger: Boss, I need to go be violently sick, now.

Broadsword: You’re excused.

*Dagger steps out into the hall and hurls into a bucket*

Broadsword: As you said, he has twice as much internet access as you ever will. This means that he sometimes missteps into the dark web and sees things no man should see. Kindly don’t ever remind him that horrifying anime porn is on that list ever again.

Shit, sorry… wait, the dark web dabbles in horrifying anime porn?!

Broadsword: It’s the dark web, they dabble in just about anything that polite society would deem a crime against mankind.

that got my stomach.

Yeah, Dagger’s too.

Dagger: Yeah. Thanks for that.

I cough up blood. “That’ll teach you then to betray us.” Cassie said

Broadsword: Speaking from personal experience, merely beating a traitor until they bleed certainly does not teach them never to betray you. It just makes them that more adamant that they made the right choice.

Dagger: You’re talking about the Shanghai incident, aren’t you?

Broadsword: Damned Solaris jumped on the opportunity to recruit Avis after that sordid debacle, and now he’s their top operative. I’m not a man of many regrets, but that’s certainly one of the more prominent ones.

If it helps you feel any better, their habit of mind-wiping and emotionally stunting their operatives means that at least he’s not driven by some delusion of betrayal and a desire for revenge, now.

Dagger: Yeah, that actually makes me feel worse. At least when he was still able to feel pissed off, we could have maybe reasoned with him.

Oh yeah…

as she pulled out her High Frequency blade out as i kneel down and cough up blood and she knees my face destroying my helmet. My screen says ‘Warning’! Raiden charged and attacked that sliced a bit of Cassie’s helmet off showing a part of her cheek.

(Theme ends)

So, Cassie has proven that she’s perhaps the only competent member of the team who isn’t Wolf, and who doesn’t need to be attached to Raiden at the hip like Bailey. I retract any statements of her being useless. But I will never stop mocking her weapon because it’s perpetual bullshit and deserves nothing else.

“Hmup!

Oh no, Cassie got the hiccups.

Dagger: Does holding your breath for three minutes work with cyborgs?

Broadsword: Can’t say that I know the answer to that one. I’ve yet to experience hiccups with my current body.

I would just kill you right now. But not when he’s around. I will be back idiot.” Cassie said as she ran.

Nevermind, I take it all back, Cassie’s a useless coward.

Raiden went over and said “You need help!”

Well, DUH.

“Mistral… is here… she can… help me.” I manage to say.

Uh, no, she is the exact opposite of the help you need, right now.

Broadsword: I would venture to say that she’s the antithesis of “help.”

“Alright just rest i will take you to her.” Raiden said as he picks me up. I just passed out.

Proof positive that Raiden hates you and wants you to die.

(Mistral boss theme: A Stranger i Remain)

Dagger: So I take it Mistral wasn’t very keen on helping?

When i woke up i saw Raiden fighting someone. It was Mistral with her Dwarf Gekko arms, and her Dwarf Gekko Spear.

He says that like she would use anything else.

In some sort of room where there is liquid nitrogen. I saw a lot of blood beside me and it is from where my arm used to be. I manage to looked up the health on Mistral and this is what i saw-

Nope, still not doing the health bar crap.

“You will fall!” Mistral yelled as she tried to slice Raiden. Raiden blocked.

Dagger: Well, that plan fell through rather quickly.

Broadsword: There were a few too many holes in the infrastructure.

Hang on, was that about Mistral, or are you talking about the state of my riffing chamber? Dude, I KNOW about the holes in the walls, the idiots I riff with are the single most destructive forces this side of an angry Sith raptor.

Broadsword: …Now what are you talking about?

He ran closer and and elbowed Mistral back. He ran with Mistral following as she yelled “Don’t f&%k with me boy!”

Dagger: Bit late for that, it seems.

She trust that Raiden manage to avoid.

Broadsword: You are putting quite a great deal of pressure on the man. You can’t just expect people to dodge you like that, it’s a good way to end up with hurt feelings later.

Yeah, geez, Mistral! Try to be more considerate!

It spitted out Liquid Nitrogen.

Because he failed to identify what, exactly, is spitting out liquid nitrogen, allow me to clarify: The final stage of Raiden and Mistral’s fight sees them in front of a large silo full of liquid nitrogen, which Raiden dupes Mistral into impaling with her spear, getting her stuck and giving him a foothold, before slicing it open, himself, right into her face. The resulting backlash of this freezes Mistral into a block of ice, which Raiden then promptly destroys, thus ending the fight.

Here, I’ll just let you see the full fight, since the author decided to come into it as late as he did:

As you can see, there’s not much about Revengeance that can be told without you experiencing the awesomeness visually.

Dagger: I’m very, very certain that we don’t train our operatives to fight like that.

Broadsword: Yes, our operatives take a much more tactical approach to things – since Solaris likes to dominate in close-quarters melee, we choose to strike from afar and deny them the opportunity to claim high ground. It forces them to either attempt to close the distance, or retaliate with their own gunmen, who are still deadly good shots but far less disciplined because they’re used more for deliberate, shock-and-awe brutality more than anything else. I don’t think our operatives would last very long in a battle of Revengeance’s sort, I’m afraid.

Well, to be fair, you’re also not in PlatinumGamesLand, where everybody is a God damn maniac toting unrealistically huge firepower and swords that could cleave buildings in twain.

Broadsword: A fact which I am suddenly much more glad to know.

Raiden landed on her spear and slashed the tank that caused her to be frozen. I knew what he was about to do. Using my all i ran and manage to push Mistral out of the way before Raiden can sliced her to bits.

Given how fast Raiden moves at any given time, that should be physically impossible – especially since he sashimi dices Mistral in Blade Mode, which I’ve discussed previously as Raiden moving so damn fast that time slows to a near-standstill.

Broadsword: God. Imagine the kind of strength a chassis would need to handle that sort of strain.

Dagger: You mean yours couldn’t?

Broadsword: It probably could, but I imagine something might break loose in the process.

Which is bad, generally speaking.

Broadsword: I would have thought that went without saying.

If it makes you feel any better, Raiden’s body was tricked out by a mad scientist of sorts. Yours had the aid of a professional team putting their collective geniuses together. So, your body is less bullshit than Raiden’s, even if it’s at the expense of being less durable.

Broadsword: I suppose I’ll count my victories where they crop up.

“Activate:… Heat hands!” I yelled

Oh, speaking of bullshit…

Dagger: Hey, I can do that, too: Activate Heat Hands!

*Dagger puts his coffee down and lays a hand on SC’s neck*

Yep, that sure is hot.

Dagger: See? You don’t even need to be a cyborg for that!

Broadsword: I suppose that would mean that I have Cold Hands?

Or Static Electricity Hands, if you shuffle your feet on the carpet.

Broadsword: No, that’s Stormcaller’s gimmick.

Dagger: Oh come on, Stormcaller’s gimmick is way cooler than that.

Broadsword: He does the MC Shuffle when not in the field and pokes any unfortunate passerby just to bother them.

Dagger: …Well, it’s cool when he’s not being a douchebag.

as my hands go to a crazy Fahrenheit.

Crazy Fahrenheit, huh?

(Admit it, that game is nuts, even as far as David Cage games go.)

I used them to unfreeze Mistral. Before i can continue to her legs i started to feel very weak that my Heat Hands stopped working.

Broadsword: You know, onboard heat sinks would prevent you from overloading your systems quite as fast.

Dagger: I take it Desperado didn’t really care too far as to whether or not their cyborgs were built to last?

Certainly not these idiots, at least.

“Boris! I need a helicopter here with Doktor ASAP!” I heard Raiden’s voice said before i blacked out.

“Right, sure, Raiden, I’m totally going to load Doktor into a chopper and send him out to an oil refinery which is currently on fire and about to explode. Do I look stupid to you?”

Be sure to Reivew!

I think you know, at this point, what my review is: “it sucks.” And that’s not even going into the recently-added chapter four, which, for the sake of getting back to my ACTUAL riff, I’m going to pretend doesn’t exist, much like I’ve been pretending that all the bullshit the OCs in this fic have been pulling never happened.

And on that note, thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Finally gonna be getting back to LAFS, so be prepared for, oh, maybe 150% less cyborgs and 300% more anime bullshit. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of the Aegis Vanguard’s Commander Bohai “Broadsword” Liu and Lieutenant Commander Austin “Dagger” Monroe, I’ll see you next time!

…So, how DID you two find the time to be here for this riff?

Dagger: Hammer. He’s number three. He takes over when we’re not around.

So, let me guess, he got his codename because he helps build and reinforce your business structure?

Broadsword: No, he got his codename because when he escaped from Solaris, he grabbed the nearest object to kill his pursuers with, and it happened to be a sledgehammer.

…Oh.

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39 Comments on “1653: A New Metal Cyborg Trio! – Chapter Three, Part Two”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    His vocabulary consists of lots of fuck-yous and not many sirs.

    I like that line.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    God, okay, MOM.

    Dagger: I imagine that’s another thing our operatives tend to do when they get tired of hearing me.

    Broadsword: We swear up and down that all our operatives are professionals, but admittedly, some of them are teenagers.

    You guys hire children as field agents?

    Broadsword: No, it’s just that some of our operatives never truly grew up when they got through high school.

    Later on they would enlist in the UNSC Marine Corps.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Me, and Raiden attacked but she jumped back. She ran up the walls and fired from her High Frequency Bow but we blocked her strikes and she jumped down and attacked her. She stumbled back but attacked us as we yelled out. I heard constant beeping and used Repair Nanomachines to fix my health bar.

    Damn it, I misread that as nacho machines.

    Broadsword: Haven’t eaten much today, I take it?

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Broadsword: As you said, he has twice as much internet access as you ever will. This means that he sometimes missteps into the dark web and sees things no man should see. Kindly don’t ever remind him that horrifying anime porn is on that list ever again.

    Shit, sorry… wait, the dark web dabbles in horrifying anime porn?!

    Broadsword: It’s the dark web, they dabble in just about anything that polite society would deem a crime against mankind.

    It looks something like this:

  5. BatJamags says:

    I saw a Russian wearing Russian clothing

    Clothing: Greetings, comrade. How is the rewolution to tear down the bourgeoisie and bring about class equality for the proletariat going? I ask this because I am drinking wodka and doing that dance where you kick a whole bunch.

    That’s a funny joke, right?

    Clothing: Yes, but I tell you three that are better. So, the proletariat walks into a bar…

    • SC says:

      Okay, the rest of the hysterical stereotyping, I’m fine with, but y’all gotta keep that Cossack dancing down, you’ll break something.

  6. BatJamags says:

    She blew someone i kiss while i blushed and Raiden yelled out and pulled out his sword.

    YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE? THINK AGAIN, YOU BLUSHING SON OF A-

    *Tranquilized*

    GoodJamags: Worry about the cyborg. I’ve got the worn-out rage joke under control.

    • SC says:

      I don’t see what he was mad about, Bailey was just putting on some blush before the fight. Gotta look fierce for boss fights, you know?

      • BatJamags says:

        GoodJamags: Yeah. I mean, if movie characters have to be wearing make-up even in situations where it makes no sense at all, why should video game characters be held to a different standard?

  7. BatJamags says:

    I bring a storm full of dangerous fires of Hell that no-one survives from.

    Holy shit. If I – and I mean me-me, not shouty-blusher-destroying-asshole-BadJamags-character-me – were in this situation, I wouldn’t even be afraid. I’d be too busy laughing my ass off at this tryhard name to notice that I was in actual physical danger from an overpowered cyborg.

  8. BatJamags says:

    Dagger: That’s not even physically-!

    That doesn’t seem physically possible!

  9. BatJamags says:

    I tried to slash but Cassie blocked it.

    Bailiwick: AmyxRenee?

    Cassie: NO! AmyxFuck-shit OTP!

  10. Delta XIII says:

    I’m your host, SC, and I finally got sick of the running gag!

    That’s fair. It was starting to get a little repetitive.
    One might even say… redundant?

    *BLARING ALARMS BLARE*

  11. Delta XIII says:

    A hologram of a man with glasses, blue shirt, and brown hair popped up

    Okay, well that just doesn’t make a lick of sense: That’s Raiden’s codec display, which is connected to his built-in Augmented Reality, which only he can see.
    Captain Dumbass should not be able to see this comm window.

    • SC says:

      That would make it kinda compromising if everybody could see the faces of the people Raiden communicates with. Desperado would probably put out hits on the entire Maverick team.

  12. Delta XIII says:

    Sparse though this description is, I was able to successfully link it to Kevin. That’ll probably never happen again.

    Actually, it was Doktor. Kevin doesn’t wear glasses.

  13. Delta XIII says:

    And that’s just the part of his vocabulary that wasn’t written by Jack the Ripper. That half of the book is just drenched in blood and consists of “ha ha ha” carved into the pages over and over again.

    There’s also 80’s one-liners and (in Codec calls at least) a fair amount of both bragging and philosophising about how crazy he is.

  14. Leider Hosen says:

    but before i can strike her she retracted her sword and slashed at a fast speed that sliced my right arm off! If my pain inhibitors were turned off that would really hurt! Raiden gasp once he have seen it. I yelled “S^%t! That is just so evil!”

    Gasp! The person trying to kill you with a sword cut off your arm!?!1/!?

    Abrelepine: That fiend!

  15. Leider Hosen says:

    Oh the humanity! There’s slashing everywhere, I haven’t seen anything like it! A squad of psychotic slashing cyborgs!

  16. agigabyte says:

    Basically, you only fuck with Broadsword if you have a death wish or more firepower than his armor can defend against.

    Geronimo: Ooh! I have a monomolecular spatula that can shoot lasers and generate shields in a manner akin to the gauntlets used by jackals from halo! This guy sounds like he’d be fun to spar with! Besides, I haven’t gotten to tie anyone up with a chain of interlinking books recently.

  17. agigabyte says:

    Bullshit and efficiency don’t really go hand-in-hand.

    Cain: Goddess would probably beg to differ. Of course, she’s a literal deity.


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